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Maid of Dishonor

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Re: Maid of Dishonor

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    Alexandrathgr8Alexandrathgr8 member
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    Alexandrathgr8 said:
    I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with your MOH. As pp suggested i think you might want to take a second and really have a heart 2 heart with her. Maybe something serious is going on and instead of talking to you about it, she is displacing her anger? That is if you really care- if not, then it's your choice about whether you have her in your wp or not.

    Maybe i'm old fashioned, or just don't fit in to the "etiquette" that other brides on here agree with, but when i've said yes to be in a BM party i logically expect to be told what to wear, have to drop a little bit of money, and plan on doing what ever i can to make sure the bride is happy. This of course doesn't include really outrageous stuff like, cutting your hair a certain way, dropping a million dollars, or loosing a bunch of weight(although i'd try to do this anyway).But you don't seem to have asked for anything outrageous!  Do you ever watch Say Yes to the dress: Bridesmaids? Those girls are ridiculous complaining that they don't like the dresses, or that they think they should be able to pick out styles(if the bride isn't into that).... it isn't about them, it's about the Bride. I once had to wear a suit with a tie in a wedding party.. i felt ridiculous, but it's what the bride wanted- and in the end, who cares!


    Overall though, it sounds like you are more hurt about the lack of friendship this girl has been displaying. Don't get caught up in your wedding stuff, really think about the friendship piece and fix that... if it's worth it to you.

    Good luck!
    Bullshit.  The marriage ceremony is about the bride and groom.  You seriously think that the people who are going to be wearing the dresses should have no say in whether they like the dress or not?  JFC.  I wish we would go back to the times when your bridesmaids just wore their best dresses to the wedding and nobody obsessed over whether they matched the decor. 

    You've seen the move 27 Dresses right? I mean, i don't think the OP is about to have them wear anything outrageous.. but no, i don't think BM's should have total control and say over what they wear. I think random dresses with mere  matching colour and  fabrics don't look good. If bride wants long dresses but the bm wants to wear a short dress, too bad. Did i mention i wore a SUIT with a TIE for a bride... it wasn't about me.. and if you are truly a friend you will give up the need to wear something YOU like, for her.
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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    Viczaesar said:
    Alexandrathgr8 said:
    Alexandrathgr8 said:
    I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with your MOH. As pp suggested i think you might want to take a second and really have a heart 2 heart with her. Maybe something serious is going on and instead of talking to you about it, she is displacing her anger? That is if you really care- if not, then it's your choice about whether you have her in your wp or not.

    Maybe i'm old fashioned, or just don't fit in to the "etiquette" that other brides on here agree with, but when i've said yes to be in a BM party i logically expect to be told what to wear, have to drop a little bit of money, and plan on doing what ever i can to make sure the bride is happy. This of course doesn't include really outrageous stuff like, cutting your hair a certain way, dropping a million dollars, or loosing a bunch of weight(although i'd try to do this anyway).But you don't seem to have asked for anything outrageous!  Do you ever watch Say Yes to the dress: Bridesmaids? Those girls are ridiculous complaining that they don't like the dresses, or that they think they should be able to pick out styles(if the bride isn't into that).... it isn't about them, it's about the Bride. I once had to wear a suit with a tie in a wedding party.. i felt ridiculous, but it's what the bride wanted- and in the end, who cares!


    Overall though, it sounds like you are more hurt about the lack of friendship this girl has been displaying. Don't get caught up in your wedding stuff, really think about the friendship piece and fix that... if it's worth it to you.

    Good luck!
    Bullshit.  The marriage ceremony is about the bride and groom.  You seriously think that the people who are going to be wearing the dresses should have no say in whether they like the dress or not?  JFC.  I wish we would go back to the times when your bridesmaids just wore their best dresses to the wedding and nobody obsessed over whether they matched the decor. 

    You've seen the move 27 Dresses right? I mean, i don't think the OP is about to have them wear anything outrageous.. but no, i don't think BM's should have total control and say over what they wear. I think random dresses with mere  matching colour and  fabrics don't look good. If bride wants long dresses but the bm wants to wear a short dress, too bad. Did i mention i wore a SUIT with a TIE for a bride... it wasn't about me.. and if you are truly a friend you will give up the need to wear something YOU like, for her.

    No, I won't give up my sense of comfort in my own clothing when standing up in front of a bunch of people, and a true friend would not ask that of me.  I am not a barbie doll.  I have feelings and insecurities and things that I will not wear in front of other people in a million years.  While both the bridesmaid and bride should have a say in the chosen outfit, the person who is going to be wearing it should always have veto power.
    And paying for it, BTW.  I know some brides post on here how they are buying/bought their BMs' their dresses but in the 10 weddings I have been in, I have always had to but my own dress.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    Alexandrathgr8Alexandrathgr8 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    No, I won't give up my sense of comfort in my own clothing when standing up in front of a bunch of people, and a true friend would not ask that of me.  I am not a barbie doll.  I have feelings and insecurities and things that I will not wear in front of other people in a million years.  While both the bridesmaid and bride should have a say in the chosen outfit, the person who is going to be wearing it should always have veto power.
    Absolutely.  I don't mean to say making feel super uncomfortable. I just meant like on say yes to the dress bridesmaids- sometimes they are SO opinionated, it's like its THEIR wedding!!!! I wouldn't dream of putting my girls in something that they are super uncomfortable in, but that doesn't mean i'll completely sour my vision... ie. long vs. short. Chiffon vs. Satin.. that type of thing.
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    jneen101jneen101 member
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    Is it still a cute memory if you look back at the pictures and remember how you demanded that everyone look identical, even if they were uncomfortable with it?  And one or more of the people in the picture is possibly not happy at all and not having fun?  That would ruin the pictures for me personally.
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    Gizmo813Gizmo813 member
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    My girls are wearing matching dresses, because I've seen pics of WP wearing different dresses and sometimes they look terrific, and sometimes they look terrible. I don't have a good enough eye for design that I was willing to chance something I couldn't picture in my head. However, they all went shopping with me (at different times .. no big deal) and gave me their input so that I could make sure that I could pick a dress that looked good on all of them and none of them hated. I am allowing them to buy their own silver shoes ... it's really not that important. I am considering buying them jewelry to wear, but I haven't decided yet. Again, it's not that important. 

    OP, if you weren't getting married, and if your friend was not in your wedding, how would you approach her? Take the wedding out of the picture and assess the situation from the POV of her friend, instead of a bride who is worried her MOH is going to "ruin" HER DAY. Act like a friend, instead of a handler.


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    ei34ei34 member
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    I've been in enough bridal parties to know that my least favorite bride is one who dictates shoes, jewelry, and any other accessory beyond the dress.  If you insist they wear matching shoes, you're responsible for paying for them.  And gauges are a special kind of earring, just let your MOH wear what she's comfortable with instead of trying to hide something that's a part of her.

    Lunches so BM's can get to know each other are unnecessary, as are shared Pinterest boards.  I re-read your OP to try and see what it was that the MOH did wrong but just can't find anything.

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    artbyallieartbyallie mod
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    Hey, I wear ballet flats sometimes. I hate the ones with jewels or bows or anything on them. Some of them are also stupidly uncomfortable. Shoes are super personal and you really should just let them wear whatever. I do not even have a single picture of my bridesmaids where you can really see what their shoes look like.

    Also, regarding spending money, it does not matter one teeny tiny little bit how she chooses to spend her money. It just doesn't. Because she gets to choose what she wants to buy and how much she wants to spend. It is not cool to dictate that she has to spend $60 on shoes you picked.
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    Gizmo813Gizmo813 member
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    The last wedding I was almost in (wedding was cancelled, I was MOH), the bride insisted that we all get identical shoes dyed hot pink to match our dress. This was because she wanted a "shoe picture" of us wearing our shoes. Just a picture of our feet and the shoes.

    She didn't pay for the shoes. And then called off the wedding. And then didn't pay me back for the dress OR the shoes. And her FI took the gift I bought for them for the bridal shower and used it before the wedding that never happened. And then never gave it back. But this is another issue entirely.

    I was super annoyed that I had to pay for shoes (I need to be super careful about the kind of shoe that I wear b/c I have foot problems) and dye them hot pink, which is a color I'd never ever wear again. I made my annoyance clear at the time. 

    Luckily, I never dyed the shoes, and have never worn them. So I'm dying them purple and wearing them for my own wedding.  
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    JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
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    I still remain surprised that brides can even find shoes that the whole WP is comfortable in/ fits.  I wear a size 5.5 and some stores don't even carry my size.  Meanwhile, one of my BMs had foot surgery and needs special shoes.  It would never even occur to me to dictate shoes to my BMs because chances are, somebody's going to be uncomfortable with whatever style or heel height I picked.

    But yes, @antoto is exactly right-- if it's that important to match, the bride pays and it's not a "gift."
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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    antotoantoto member
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    @JCBride2014  One of my maids is 5.5 as well and it was EXTREMELY difficult.  It took me months of looking online to track down all 7 sizes I needed.  I do not envy your shoe size - it must be so hard for you to find shoes!
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    logana1logana1 member
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    I only went to such an extreme because thats what some of the people responding want to hear.

     

    I mean, forget the fact that she's taking the fun out of wedding planning for me.  I get what a lot of you are saying "She should be comfortable and wear what she wants" blah blah blah.  I made it very clear when I asked her about matching the group and we talked about budget. 

     

    My biggest problem is the wedding should be fun for me, and she's taking the fun out of it, for more than just me, but the other bridesmaids, the groom and family.  I never force anyone to come along on our wedding planning outings, I simply say "hey, we're going to do this on this day at this time if you want to join us." and most of them happily come on their own free will.  It's called family involvement. 

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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    logana1 said:

    I only went to such an extreme because thats what some of the people responding want to hear.

     

    I mean, forget the fact that she's taking the fun out of wedding planning for me.  I get what a lot of you are saying "She should be comfortable and wear what she wants" blah blah blah.  I made it very clear when I asked her about matching the group and we talked about budget. 

     

    My biggest problem is the wedding should be fun for me, and she's taking the fun out of it, for more than just me, but the other bridesmaids, the groom and family.  I never force anyone to come along on our wedding planning outings, I simply say "hey, we're going to do this on this day at this time if you want to join us." and most of them happily come on their own free will.  It's called family involvement. 

    She is not taking the fun out of the wedding planning for you.  You are taking the fun out of it because of your reaction to her.

    She doesn't have to be involved in the planning of your wedding.  Some people just don't care about weddings.  They care about you and that you are getting married but don't care about the actual planning portion of the wedding and that does not make them a bad person.  You say you don't force them to come but it seems that you hold a grudge if they don't.

    When you talked about matching the group did that also include telling her that she must fill in her gauges and wear matching jewelry and shoes that she may not be comfortable with?  Or did you just say "oh I want everything to match".  There is a big difference.  Also, when you ask for opinions what were you expecting from her.  If she doesn't like something she is allowed to say so.

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    logana1logana1 member
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    ChemFanatic25 said:
    logana1 said:

    I only went to such an extreme because thats what some of the people responding want to hear.

     

    I mean, forget the fact that she's taking the fun out of wedding planning for me.  I get what a lot of you are saying "She should be comfortable and wear what she wants" blah blah blah.  I made it very clear when I asked her about matching the group and we talked about budget. 

     

    My biggest problem is the wedding should be fun for me, and she's taking the fun out of it, for more than just me, but the other bridesmaids, the groom and family.  I never force anyone to come along on our wedding planning outings, I simply say "hey, we're going to do this on this day at this time if you want to join us." and most of them happily come on their own free will.  It's called family involvement. 

    First - I think the whole "she's taking the fun out of it for you" is in your head. You know the quote by Eleanor Roosevelt - "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."? Well your doing that. You're allowing one BM's opinion to drag you down and that is on you, no one else. 

    Second - if you want everyone to wear matching shoes and jewelry then you need to put forth the money, not them. Bridesmaids are only obligated to wear the dress that you picked out for them, and it does sound like you stuck to their budgets. But they are only obligated that. So you need to hike up your skirts and get to shopping and hopefully you have some coupons because $60 is a lot to spend on shoes, especially for one day. 
    For the record,they picked out the dress themselves. 
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    ChemFanatic25ChemFanatic25 member
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    ChemFanatic25 said:
    logana1 said:

    I only went to such an extreme because thats what some of the people responding want to hear.

     

    I mean, forget the fact that she's taking the fun out of wedding planning for me.  I get what a lot of you are saying "She should be comfortable and wear what she wants" blah blah blah.  I made it very clear when I asked her about matching the group and we talked about budget. 

     

    My biggest problem is the wedding should be fun for me, and she's taking the fun out of it, for more than just me, but the other bridesmaids, the groom and family.  I never force anyone to come along on our wedding planning outings, I simply say "hey, we're going to do this on this day at this time if you want to join us." and most of them happily come on their own free will.  It's called family involvement. 

    First - I think the whole "she's taking the fun out of it for you" is in your head. You know the quote by Eleanor Roosevelt - "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."? Well your doing that. You're allowing one BM's opinion to drag you down and that is on you, no one else. 

    Second - if you want everyone to wear matching shoes and jewelry then you need to put forth the money, not them. Bridesmaids are only obligated to wear the dress that you picked out for them, and it does sound like you stuck to their budgets. But they are only obligated that. So you need to hike up your skirts and get to shopping and hopefully you have some coupons because $60 is a lot to spend on shoes, especially for one day. 
    For the record,they picked out the dress themselves. 

    Okay, so they picked out the dress. I still stand by what I said earlier.
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    logana1logana1 member
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    This is the only place that has ever had the "you picked the outfit, you pay for it rule"
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    Gizmo813Gizmo813 member
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    logana1 said:
    ChemFanatic25 said:
    logana1 said:

    I only went to such an extreme because thats what some of the people responding want to hear.

     

    I mean, forget the fact that she's taking the fun out of wedding planning for me.  I get what a lot of you are saying "She should be comfortable and wear what she wants" blah blah blah.  I made it very clear when I asked her about matching the group and we talked about budget. 

     

    My biggest problem is the wedding should be fun for me, and she's taking the fun out of it, for more than just me, but the other bridesmaids, the groom and family.  I never force anyone to come along on our wedding planning outings, I simply say "hey, we're going to do this on this day at this time if you want to join us." and most of them happily come on their own free will.  It's called family involvement. 

    First - I think the whole "she's taking the fun out of it for you" is in your head. You know the quote by Eleanor Roosevelt - "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."? Well your doing that. You're allowing one BM's opinion to drag you down and that is on you, no one else. 

    Second - if you want everyone to wear matching shoes and jewelry then you need to put forth the money, not them. Bridesmaids are only obligated to wear the dress that you picked out for them, and it does sound like you stuck to their budgets. But they are only obligated that. So you need to hike up your skirts and get to shopping and hopefully you have some coupons because $60 is a lot to spend on shoes, especially for one day. 
    For the record,they picked out the dress themselves. 
    With 100% consensus? I doubt it, even if it's what they said at the time. See, if your bridesmaids are truly your friends, they may be hard pressed to say what they are really thinking because they don't want to hurt your feelings. I tried to get 100% consensus on my BM dress, and it didn't work. My MOH and I both liked one dress, one of my BM liked another. a third liked a completely different one from a completely different designer, and the fourth wouldn't really give me a straight answer. 

    People may not want to hurt your feelings, so they might be reluctant to disagree with you. 
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    logana1logana1 member
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    Maggie0829 said:
    logana1 said:
    This is the only place that has ever had the "you picked the outfit, you pay for it rule"
    We never said that you have to pay for the dresses.  We said you have to pay for any required and specific accessories.  If you said, "hey pick a pair of black flats." then no you don't have to pay for them.  But if you want them all to wear a specific pair of black flats and no other then you have to pay for it.  Same with jewelry.  If you said "hey, wear a necklace and some earrings." then you don't have to pay, but again, if you specify the exact type, color, and whatever else our of the jewelry then you pay for it.

    I get wanting girls in the same dress but why not let the personality of your girls shine through by allowing them to wear whatever accessories they want.  I mean you picked these girls for a reason and that reason isn't because they all looked the same.  It is because there is something about each of them that makes them special to you and makes them your friend.  Why try and dress them all like dolls?

    I've heard it both ways on this site actually.  That people consider it a "uniform" which I kind of think is silly.  I've been in two weddings and always paid for my "uniform" shoes and jewelry included.

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    logana1logana1 member
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    vt&dt said:
    OP, I think you've already decided that the way you envision your wedding ceremony and pictures looking is more important than your friendship with this girl.

    As sad as that is, I don't think any amount of discussion is going to change your mind.

    I wonder if, after you've kicked her out of your BP ("offering" her the choice is pretty much the same thing - heavily hinting that you don't want her there any more) and your wedding is over... you get the pictures and miss having her in them, non-matching shoes and dermal piercings and all.


    I would not.  Even when I try to have a normal non wedding convo with her, I get pushed aside for whatever is more important to her on her phone.
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    logana1 said:
    Maggie0829 said:
    logana1 said:
    This is the only place that has ever had the "you picked the outfit, you pay for it rule"
    We never said that you have to pay for the dresses.  We said you have to pay for any required and specific accessories.  If you said, "hey pick a pair of black flats." then no you don't have to pay for them.  But if you want them all to wear a specific pair of black flats and no other then you have to pay for it.  Same with jewelry.  If you said "hey, wear a necklace and some earrings." then you don't have to pay, but again, if you specify the exact type, color, and whatever else our of the jewelry then you pay for it.

    I get wanting girls in the same dress but why not let the personality of your girls shine through by allowing them to wear whatever accessories they want.  I mean you picked these girls for a reason and that reason isn't because they all looked the same.  It is because there is something about each of them that makes them special to you and makes them your friend.  Why try and dress them all like dolls?

    I've heard it both ways on this site actually.  That people consider it a "uniform" which I kind of think is silly.  I've been in two weddings and always paid for my "uniform" shoes and jewelry included.

    Well good for you.  

    I am just under the mindset that I have already dictated the dress (with their input of course) the last thing I want to dictate is their shoes and accessories because those really don't matter to begin with and I would rather then be in something comfortable and something that they like then spend money on crap that they will never wear again.

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    vt&dtvt&dt member
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    logana1 said:

    I would not.  Even when I try to have a normal non wedding convo with her, I get pushed aside for whatever is more important to her on her phone.
    There's your answer.  Sounds like you're more than ready to end the friendship to have the look you want.
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    Emmy1493Emmy1493 member
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    QQ, how much do you plan on looking at your wedding pictures? You say that's all that really matters over your BP's comfort (Which is shitty,sorry not sorry) and in reality, is not the most important part. You might have stated it, but being MARRIED is the goal of a wedding. Not matching outfits, or pictures. Yeah, they are great to have after the wedding. However, unless you plan on making wall paper out of your wedding pictures, you will barely see them or look at them. 

    No need to get that hyped up about the "Wedding Look," because that is something that the wedding industry and a lot of times (Pinterest) spew out at us brides. So in general, it doesn't make every bride different, if all of those same ideas are out there floating around waiting to be used...which they will, ya know?
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