Etiquette

Legally married, now having a "real" wedding? Stop here first! (AKA, the PPD FAQ thread)

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Re: Legally married, now having a "real" wedding? Stop here first! (AKA, the PPD FAQ thread)

  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
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    Sabinus15 said:
    Most members of the TK have a conventional sense of morality, and STB and I have a post-conventional sense of morality. Don't feel bad, a professor once told me that many adults never reach level three. 
    Oh for fuck's sake, of all the condescending crap I have read on these boards. . .

    I don't give a flying rat's ass about the opinion of some unnamed Academic thrown down from his Ivory Tower. 

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    aurorajanettejenniferursAzAnnie
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    That chart gave me a good chuckle.  Thanks.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    grumbledoreaurorajanettejenniferurs
  • Gadzooks! That chart has enlightened me. I wonder if tom Cruise has reached level 3 theta yet?
    PrettyGirlLostaurorajanettemrsfinni
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    TerriHugg said:
    Regardless of your stance on following this etiquette rule, definition of lying, or what you call a PPD, I really do find it amazing that this thread has resorted to name calling, questioning someone's character, insulting intelligence, attacking someone's morale etc. Is all that really necessary? 


    My morale is fine, I just passed my morale check- I rolled a 6!

    If you meant morals, I think it's natural for people who think lying is shitty to question the morals and character of people who take no issue with it.
    I 100% agree.

    banana468aurorajanettejenniferurs

  • Sabinus15 said:
    It reminds me of that moral dilemma where you can choose to follow an injust law because it is the law or choose to break the law for the sake of the greater good. It just depends on the way you make moral choices and your moral development level as illustrated below:

    image
    My favorite part was when she implied that her PPD was for the sake of the "greater good".
    That's probably just about one of the most self-centered things I've ever heard.

    Newsflash: no one cares about your wedding as much as you do, and it doesn't even make a blip on the radar of "greater good" for society.

    And anyone who starts a sentence with "My professor said..." or "my professor told me" or whatever that shit said, should probably just drown in the vomit of everyone around them. It doesn't make you look smart to quote the thoughts of your professors. It just makes you look like you can't think for yourself.


    image

    PrettyGirlLostchibiyuiKeptInStitches
  • TerriHugg said:
    Regardless of your stance on following this etiquette rule, definition of lying, or what you call a PPD, I really do find it amazing that this thread has resorted to name calling, questioning someone's character, insulting intelligence, attacking someone's morale etc. Is all that really necessary? 


    And it seems to be the ones advocating PPDs and other etiquette fails who are the first ones to resort to name-calling.

    Yes, I judge people who lie to their loved ones.  If that's a problem, oh well.
    @JCBRIDE2014 ;

    I beg to differ. I've seen people on both sides of the argument resort to name calling. 
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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    @TerriHugg I'm sure people on both sides have called each other names, and it's not becoming on anybody.  But I also think it tends to be the anti-etiquette posters who are the first to go there.  Maybe not even so much with the PPD thing, but especially new posters who come on here calling all of us bitches because they get blunt advice.  Nobody was calling names until they started it, geesh!
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    image

    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

    PrettyGirlLost
  • TerriHuggTerriHugg member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Comments 100 Love Its First Answer
    edited January 2014
    Regardless of your stance on following this etiquette rule, definition of lying, or what you call a PPD, I really do find it amazing that this thread has resorted to name calling, questioning someone's character, insulting intelligence, attacking someone's morale etc. Is all that really necessary? 


    Honestly, I tried really hard to share my opinion in a rational and civil manner. However, it's hard to do that when you encounter someone who is so selfish and cold. I do realize that the situations on here have zero impact on my life, but I would really hate to be the person who is being lied to in these situations. I really hope that noone in my life would do that to me. Also, I will always stick up for private, small weddings are being "real" and "good enough" because I have been there and experienced that first hand at my own choosing.
    @Jellsdot0

    Believe or not, I really do understand. You feel passionately about the matter. There's nothing wrong with that. 

    I'm just of a different mind because I don't think this subject is as black and white as everyone is making it out to be. I believe there are definite gray areas to what people are considering PPD's or what we all even consider lying.  That's why I personally prefer not to deem someone selfish or lacking in the morals department right of the bat. We just never know. And quite honestly, if we want to go that route we can question the morals of everyone participating in this board for one reason or another if we tried hard enough. 

    P.S. Second ceremonies or PPD's aside, I actually really like that you advocate for private weddings. As much as I LOVED my 25 person wedding in the Bahamas, I really wanted to elope privately in Barbados. I feel like nothing is more romantic running way and pledging their love to each other. Kudos to you for going that route and loving every minute of it. 
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  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 Cowtown mod
    Moderator Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I just had to share the link to this thread on the DW board. I hope that the extended discussion doesn't detract from the purpose of this thread! There are PPDs abound on this site!!!!

     







    mimiphinmrsfinni
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I just had to share the link to this thread on the DW board. I hope that the extended discussion doesn't detract from the purpose of this thread! There are PPDs abound on this site!!!!
    Ruh roh, raggy!

    Prepare to repeat the same things said over and over in the 1st 20 pages of this thread over the course of the next 20 pages. . .

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    crunchymamaof2
  • APDSS22APDSS22 O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A is OK member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I just had to share the link to this thread on the DW board. I hope that the extended discussion doesn't detract from the purpose of this thread! There are PPDs abound on this site!!!!
    Ruh roh, raggy!

    Prepare to repeat the same things said over and over in the 1st 20 pages of this thread over the course of the next 20 pages. . .
    Great Scooby Doo reference.

    PrettyGirlLostJen4948
  • delujm0 said:

    STBMrsEverhart  i completely respect your decision to get married legally for healthcare benefits.  And your decision to have a celebration of your marriage at a later date.  You know, I'd even sit through a "ceremony" on that later date if i really loved you, as i assume all of your invited guests do.  However, what I can't get past is that the fact that you are already married is being willfully hidden from your guests.  If it's not actually that important, why are you intentionally hiding it from them?  If it doesn't really matter why can't you be up front about it?  You don't have to scrap your plans...you just have to be honest with your guests about what is actually being celebrated on that day.  Just because you want it to be recognized as the day you got married doesn't actually make it the day you got married.  That has already happened.

     

    Also, FYI, it is just as rude to specifically request "no gifts" on an invitation as it is to include the registry information on there.  By requesting "no gifts" you are basically saying "we know you were probably going to get us gifts, but you totally don't have to."  of course your guests don't have to do that.  it's not required.

    Allow me to quote myself: The fact that etiquette demands gifts not be mentioned, therefore requesting gifts not be given is rude too, is amongst the silliest bits of wisdom I choose to ignore.  

    I enjoy that you accused me of being "morally superior" and then threw the passive-aggressive "there's NOTHING my FI and i wouldn't do for the other in termsof healthcare" at me.  That is a spectacular display of hypocrisy.  It would be if I meant it to be passive aggressive. It was just a statement of fact about how my FI and I view each other and our commitment to the other's well being. Your choosing to project this on to you and your relationship is nothing I have any control over. If we were truly in a desperate situation of course i would have made the decision to legally marry my FI so that he could have healthcare benefits, as you did.  I'm not a monster.  And if i had done that, i would have cancelled my ceremony in May and held only the planned reception for my guests.  I would call it a "celebration of my marriage" on my invitations and accept that fact that some guests wouldn't attend because it wasn't my actual wedding.  Believe it or not, FI and i had a serious conversation about it, and decided that we have plenty of savings, and it wasn't worth the $1k that the procedure would cost to change our wedding date and plans.  If that number was $100k, yeah obviously we would have done something differently.  But that something would NOT have been to continue on with our existing plans unchanged and lie to our friends and family aobut our marital status until then. I do not expect that everyone would handle our situation the same way. But it's how we've chosen to deal with things, it's our path. 

     

    I'm done responding to you now - obviously we are at an impasse and neither of us is willing to back down.  We're going to have to agree to disagree on this issue. Excellent.



  • acove2006 said:

     

    acove2006 said:
    debmonn said:
    @STBMrsEverhart if you don't think it matters, then why don't you just tell the people who you are inviting to your "wedding"

    That would make the most sense, wouldn't it? Unless one was really worried about others' reactions, even if they won't admit it or think they do.



    I don't think worried is the proper word at all. We want our September wedding recognized by all as the day we are married, whether people are in attendance or not. That's going to be a little hard if we're regaling folks with the tale of being duped by my company and signing our marriage license ahead of time (which we were planning to do before leaving town anyway). No, it's not exactly how we wanted it all to go down but it's life, and as I've said before I don't believe being an adult equals scrapping your plans because things got complicated. I think it means making the best decisions you can using the information in front of you and deciding ahead of time if you can live with the consequences of your decisions. That is what we have done. Worrying would only cause undo aggravation and needless grief to an otherwise awesome time in our lives. 

    I'm pretty sure most people will still consider that your 'wedding' date, whether or not they know you were already married. Honestly, I doubt many of them will care and will truly want to celebrate with you if you're honest from the start. And more importantly, very few will actually remember your wedding date at all (be it the actual wedding day or the Mexico party). So this leads me to believe that deep down you must know that some guests may not approve of your plan so you feel lying is the only way to avoid potential negative feedback. You've said repeatedly that you wouldn't want those kind of people present anyway, so why not just tell them so they won't come? You're likely to get worse feedback if they find out you lied (and they will, somehow, sometime) so just be upfront and have some integrity.

     

    And how on earth did your insurance company dupe you? It wasn't our insurance company, it was the company I work for. When I inquired if our policy covers domestic partners, I was told no. Later, we found out this is not, in fact, the case. The whole situation could have been postponed until we did the paperwork the week before the wedding. But it didn't work out that way. 



  • The hobbit!
  • I love how this thread never dies and the thread troll keeps trucking every couple of days, bringing it up again and again and again. honestly honey your responses are so entertaining and self centered and delusional...they make me laugh.
    1. Being addressed specifically, then responding, is hardly my bringing anything up, repeatedly or otherwise. 
    2. Not agreeing with y'all and having a completely different opinion than the rest of you AND having no issues articulating that, doesn't make me a troll. It makes me unafraid to voice a differing point of view regardless of what you all think about it or have to say on the subject. 
    3. These threads tend to amuse me too, so I'm glad we're experiencing a similar level of enjoyment. 

    Sabinus15
  • mobkaz said:
    Sabinus15 said:
    Most members of the TK have a conventional sense of morality, and STB and I have a post-conventional sense of morality. Don't feel bad, a professor once told me that many adults never reach level three. 
    Your hubris would shock no one.  I am beyond content to be conventional, truthful, and moral. Why would I feel bad about putting others before myself?  My pity is for you and your self assessed level.  

    I could tell you had appointed yourself puppet for STB.....so kind of you to speak on her behalf as well.  I do believe she has admitted to at least one additional SN on The Knot.....I wonder.....
    Now Mobkaz, I assume your overly dramatized image of what I'm like IRL is on par with a soap opera villainess, but I have neither time nor effort to create pretend people and write posts as them. I know it must be shocking, and let me beat you to it, disappointing, to know there are people who actually agree with me or see my point. But I assure you they exist. It's affirming to know that the time I have wasted arguing with you all has helped a few people, or at least that's what the PM's I end up with reminds me. As I explained at the time my first SN was created years ago. I had forgotten about it and when we got engaged last spring, everything wedding related is linked to a separate email address as I don't want to have to wade through wedding-related email and promotions long after it's all said and done. Nothing shady was intended, and I have no reason to want to manage multiple SN's while pretending to be multiple people. That's just weird. 

    dwhereicome
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