Guest should understand the formality of the event based on the formality of the invitation you send to invite them, as well as the location of the venue and time of day.
If they still have questions, they can ask. In which case, it is OK to let them know the general tone of dress. Never tell them they HAVE to wear a long gown, but it would be ok to let them know the BM's, MOB, and MOG will be in floor length gowns and the men will be in tuxes. Or, the opposite- suits and cocktail dresses.
I agree that "black tie optional" is more confusing. I would also be wondering, "Ok, so WHAT exactly am I supposed to wear?". Because black tie yes and black tie no are two very different outfits.
key words here......GUEST SHOULD KNOW......guests SHOULD know a lot of things.....but they don't. Gone are the days of formal events every month and invitations to galas and cotillions. Guests SHOULD know to return that postage paid RSVP card.....but you'll only get back 30% of them before your deadline, and you will get 10% of the guests to call you the week before the wedding to say "I forgot to send back my RSVP"....as an event planner I've seen first hand that ignorance is mre often than not, the norm.
quite honestly, MOST invitees are morons and need to be told what you want to see. I'm sick of people asking what my wedding colors are so they can wear them. If i wanted every guest to wear my weddign colors i would have asked them to be IN the wedding. I'm tired of people complaining about my venue because they "only wear such-and-such" to weddings. We noted on the invitations that ladies will be most comfortable in lats or wedges and I've gotten at least 8 calls from women who said "I AM NOT wearing flats or wedges to a wedding regardless of what you say"...and that's just fine with me, but I don't want to hear one time that their heels are getting destroyed or they can't walk around. It's not my problem once I've done my part to give the information you need to make a smart decision. On the other hand, it won't matter what you put on the invitation because no one will read it, and half the guests will say they lost it and call you 500 times before the wedding to ask questions that were already answered in writing on the invitation!
Wow, this is a much more pessimistic view of guests than I've seen and very much not in line with my experience.
I also feel like you might have opened yourself up to the complaints by putting something about attire on the invites. Like, maybe they're insulted that you told them what to wear...
quite honestly, MOST invitees are morons and need to be told what you want to see. I'm sick of people asking what my wedding colors are so they can wear them. If i wanted every guest to wear my weddign colors i would have asked them to be IN the wedding. I'm tired of people complaining about my venue because they "only wear such-and-such" to weddings. We noted on the invitations that ladies will be most comfortable in lats or wedges and I've gotten at least 8 calls from women who said "I AM NOT wearing flats or wedges to a wedding regardless of what you say"...and that's just fine with me, but I don't want to hear one time that their heels are getting destroyed or they can't walk around. It's not my problem once I've done my part to give the information you need to make a smart decision. On the other hand, it won't matter what you put on the invitation because no one will read it, and half the guests will say they lost it and call you 500 times before the wedding to ask questions that were already answered in writing on the invitation!
Oh honey you opened the flood gates with this comment...I dont have pity on you for the backlash you are about to receive. I'm glad you think so highly of your loved ones.
Guest should understand the formality of the event based on the formality of the invitation you send to invite them, as well as the location of the venue and time of day.
If they still have questions, they can ask. In which case, it is OK to let them know the general tone of dress. Never tell them they HAVE to wear a long gown, but it would be ok to let them know the BM's, MOB, and MOG will be in floor length gowns and the men will be in tuxes. Or, the opposite- suits and cocktail dresses.
I agree that "black tie optional" is more confusing. I would also be wondering, "Ok, so WHAT exactly am I supposed to wear?". Because black tie yes and black tie no are two very different outfits.
key words here......GUEST SHOULD KNOW......guests SHOULD know a lot of things.....but they don't. Gone are the days of formal events every month and invitations to galas and cotillions. Guests SHOULD know to return that postage paid RSVP card.....but you'll only get back 30% of them before your deadline, and you will get 10% of the guests to call you the week before the wedding to say "I forgot to send back my RSVP"....as an event planner I've seen first hand that ignorance is mre often than not, the norm.
I got 90% of my RSVPs back on time. And "what I want to see" on my wedding day are my loved ones. I don't care what they're wearing.
quite honestly, MOST invitees are morons and need to be told what you want to see. I'm sick of people asking what my wedding colors are so they can wear them. If i wanted every guest to wear my weddign colors i would have asked them to be IN the wedding. I'm tired of people complaining about my venue because they "only wear such-and-such" to weddings. We noted on the invitations that ladies will be most comfortable in lats or wedges and I've gotten at least 8 calls from women who said "I AM NOT wearing flats or wedges to a wedding regardless of what you say"...and that's just fine with me, but I don't want to hear one time that their heels are getting destroyed or they can't walk around. It's not my problem once I've done my part to give the information you need to make a smart decision. On the other hand, it won't matter what you put on the invitation because no one will read it, and half the guests will say they lost it and call you 500 times before the wedding to ask questions that were already answered in writing on the invitation!
To the bolded: Well now I do think you've actually made a couple points that others can benefit from.
"Most invitees are morons..." Yes, that is EXACTLY the message you will send to all of your friends and family if you tell them what to wear. Please take time to consider this point before finalizing your invitation wording.
"I AM NOT wearing flats or wedges to a wedding regardless of what you say..." As PPs have already pointed out, even if you are rude enough to tell guests what to wear they will not listen. So at that point you have insulted them and failed to achieve your misguided goal.
Seriously, I have this one cousin who has worn jeans to every wedding but his own. His wife could lay out an appropriate outfit on his bed and say, "Dammit just put this on, for the love of God!" and he would still say "Nah, jeans are fine as long as I'm wearing this [plaid] button-up shirt."
Number of weddings to which he has worn jeans: 7 Number of weddings that have been ruined because of it: 0
quite honestly, MOST invitees are morons and need to be told what you want to see. I'm sick of people asking what my wedding colors are so they can wear them. If i wanted every guest to wear my weddign colors i would have asked them to be IN the wedding. I'm tired of people complaining about my venue because they "only wear such-and-such" to weddings. We noted on the invitations that ladies will be most comfortable in lats or wedges and I've gotten at least 8 calls from women who said "I AM NOT wearing flats or wedges to a wedding regardless of what you say"...and that's just fine with me, but I don't want to hear one time that their heels are getting destroyed or they can't walk around. It's not my problem once I've done my part to give the information you need to make a smart decision. On the other hand, it won't matter what you put on the invitation because no one will read it, and half the guests will say they lost it and call you 500 times before the wedding to ask questions that were already answered in writing on the invitation!
So... Moral of the story is that you told people what to wear and they got pissed off, AND YOU ARE FINE WITH THAT?!? If I got an invitation that said to come in flats or wedges I would be livid!! I'm a damn adult and can dress myself. I hate flats and I think (IMHO, when worn on me) that wedges are f-ugly, so do I get to show up in runners or barefoot? Oh Runners with a cocktail dress there is a good look!
quite honestly, MOST invitees are morons and need to be told what you want to see. I'm sick of people asking what my wedding colors are so they can wear them. If i wanted every guest to wear my weddign colors i would have asked them to be IN the wedding. I'm tired of people complaining about my venue because they "only wear such-and-such" to weddings. We noted on the invitations that ladies will be most comfortable in lats or wedges and I've gotten at least 8 calls from women who said "I AM NOT wearing flats or wedges to a wedding regardless of what you say"...and that's just fine with me, but I don't want to hear one time that their heels are getting destroyed or they can't walk around. It's not my problem once I've done my part to give the information you need to make a smart decision. On the other hand, it won't matter what you put on the invitation because no one will read it, and half the guests will say they lost it and call you 500 times before the wedding to ask questions that were already answered in writing on the invitation!
It sounds like you really don't think very highly of most of your guests. If you think these people are stupid/awful then why on earth did you invite them to your wedding?
Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
quite honestly, MOST invitees are morons and need to be told what you want to see. I'm sick of people asking what my wedding colors are so they can wear them. If i wanted every guest to wear my weddign colors i would have asked them to be IN the wedding. I'm tired of people complaining about my venue because they "only wear such-and-such" to weddings. We noted on the invitations that ladies will be most comfortable in lats or wedges and I've gotten at least 8 calls from women who said "I AM NOT wearing flats or wedges to a wedding regardless of what you say"...and that's just fine with me, but I don't want to hear one time that their heels are getting destroyed or they can't walk around. It's not my problem once I've done my part to give the information you need to make a smart decision. On the other hand, it won't matter what you put on the invitation because no one will read it, and half the guests will say they lost it and call you 500 times before the wedding to ask questions that were already answered in writing on the invitation!
I'd love to know why you're inviting all these morons to your wedding. Sounds like you'd have an easier time corralling a bunch on 2nd graders into following your rules than these idiotic adults. yeah....eye roll.
After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!
All of this "I'm above etiquette/my guests are idiots/I was rude and offended someone and people are saying so!" makes me want wine.
@dxavierah why did you invite all of those people that you obviously think are morons to your wedding?
I sent out my invitations and people have read them, I've gotten back about 40% of RSVPs two weeks before the deadline. AND I'm a Middle-American (this gem) so obviously know nothing because all I do is eat at Applebee's and shop at Wal-Mart. How the heck has my planning been so successful?!
A wedding H and I went to last year had dress code on their website. It was beyond insulting. "We would like to see you dressed in your best and please remember wearing white is the bride's job." I know how to dress myself, thank you. Also, my best is a silk ballgown and no way am I wearing it to your early evening buffet cash bar reception. That doesn't scream formal to me.
Also, that line did not stop half of the guests from showing up in jeans. People who know better will dress correctly. Those who do not know will ask. Those who do not care will disregard the line anyway.
A wedding H and I went to last year had dress code on their website. It was beyond insulting. "We would like to see you dressed in your best and please remember wearing white is the bride's job." I know how to dress myself, thank you. Also, my best is a silk ballgown and no way am I wearing it to your early evening buffet cash bar reception. That doesn't scream formal to me.
Also, that line did not stop half of the guests from showing up in jeans. People who know better will dress correctly. Those who do not know will ask. Those who do not care will disregard the line anyway.
A wedding H and I went to last year had dress code on their website. It was beyond insulting. "We would like to see you dressed in your best and please remember wearing white is the bride's job." I know how to dress myself, thank you. Also, my best is a silk ballgown and no way am I wearing it to your early evening buffet cash bar reception. That doesn't scream formal to me.
Also, that line did not stop half of the guests from showing up in jeans. People who know better will dress correctly. Those who do not know will ask. Those who do not care will disregard the line anyway.
I bet half of them did that just to be spiteful.
Woah, half?! That seems high. I agree, maybe it was intentional, lol.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
From Emily Post (the queen of traditional etiquette): "Do not mention gifts or attire on the wedding invitation. If necessary,
"Black tie" may be written in the lower right on a reception invitation."
I was wondering about the "optional" thing too, and now I am certain I will not approach it on the invites. For more from this wise woman, check out her site (or buy her book - I have a 1960's edition that is surprisingly applicable, despite the well behaved stay-at-home wife stuff. Take it with a grain of salt, but know that she is the guru of propriety.)
I was recently at a nice wedding where a young woman was dancing in denim shorts. I once went to an outdoor wedding in the redwoods where a woman showed up in a Pepto-pink pillbox hat and Jackie-O suit. These are the guests that don't care what your invite says - they are there to party and to represent the best way they know how. I love that. Go with it, and have a great time.
These sentiments are NOT by the Queen of Etiquette herself, but rather her "estate" which is run by her less-etiquette-friendly descendants who are in bed with the wedding industry and willing to entertain rude ideas for profit.
We went to a wedding last fall and some of my friends from high school showed up in jeans and sneakers. If the bride noticed, she didn't show that she cared in the slightest. Of course, a group of us all had a moment of "can you believe so-and-so wore JEANS?". So yes, guests may side-eye and talk about it but WHO CARES????? A wedding day is about SO much more than what your guests decide to show up wearing. You certainly will not look foolish because someone above the age of 18 dressed themselves inappropriately by whoever's standards. For our wedding, so many guests are coming from out of town, I will be happy just to see them, never mind what they are wearing... if they flew across the country for our wedding and wanted to wear deer-hunter-orange overalls, by all means let them wear it. So many of these threads people forget they are talking about ADULTS not toddlers. Sheesh. On your wedding day, you do YOU and let everyone else worry about themselves.
This. Our wedding was at a golf/country club, and everyone knew how to dress without me writing instructions like elementary schoolers on a field trip.
One of my BMs did change into jeans halfway through the reception. She doesn't usually wear dresses (I gave the option of a suit, she chose a bridesmaids dress), and apparently remembered how uncomfortable she finds them. She asked to change into the other clothes she had brought, and I, of course, said yes. I did this because she is one of my nearest and dearest, and her comfort is of the utmost importance to me. She, in turn, surprised me by wearing a button down that matched the dresses, because she's awesome.
One of her friends did end up making a comment on one of pictures with her in it after she had changed, but they were teasing her, not me or my wedding.
For those that don't know black tie optional means tuxedos can be worn but are not necessary. Instead a dark suit would be an acceptable alternative.
No. Black tie optional means nothing. Men are free to wear tuxedos, or not, at any time for any reason. They don't need invitation wording to tell them they have the "option" to wear something.
Did you not read any of the previous discussion about how BTO is basically a made-up dress code and is simply confusing?
"I'm not a rude bitch. I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."
For those that don't know black tie optional means tuxedos can be worn but are not necessary. Instead a dark suit would be an acceptable alternative.
No. Black tie optional means nothing. Men are free to wear tuxedos, or not, at any time for any reason. They don't need invitation wording to tell them they have the "option" to wear something.
Did you not read any of the previous discussion about how BTO is basically a made-up dress code and is simply confusing?
Obviously, she did not.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Personally. It is YOUR wedding. I think it is ok for you to put whatever you want for YOUR wedding. If people are offended by such things then screw them. I don't think most adults know how to dress themselves to begin with and you want certain memories for your wedding.
However, I do agree that if you say it is black tie there will be CERTAIN things people expect.
At the end of the day it is your wedding and you should do what you would expect to see of others of it were their wedding.
Black tie optional is a real thing people. It means you don't have to wear a tux or gown but it is encouraged.
No, No it isn't. It is either Black tie or it isn't. Saying that it is encouraged is like saying "I want a black tie wedding but I don't want to host it like one (aka Pay for it)"
Personally. It is YOUR wedding. I think it is ok for you to put whatever you want for YOUR wedding. If people are offended by such things then screw them. I don't think most adults know how to dress themselves to begin with and you want certain memories for your wedding.
However, I do agree that if you say it is black tie there will be CERTAIN things people expect.
At the end of the day it is your wedding and you should do what you would expect to see of others of it were their wedding.
This is an Etiquette board. The very point of etiquette is "if it would offend people, don't do it."
You may think what you like but please do not go around giving advice like this on a board where people come for real help.
Re: Ok to put attire on invitation?
I got 90% of my RSVPs back on time. And "what I want to see" on my wedding day are my loved ones. I don't care what they're wearing.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
"Most invitees are morons..." Yes, that is EXACTLY the message you will send to all of your friends and family if you tell them what to wear. Please take time to consider this point before finalizing your invitation wording.
"I AM NOT wearing flats or wedges to a wedding regardless of what you say..." As PPs have already pointed out, even if you are rude enough to tell guests what to wear they will not listen. So at that point you have insulted them and failed to achieve your misguided goal.
Seriously, I have this one cousin who has worn jeans to every wedding but his own. His wife could lay out an appropriate outfit on his bed and say, "Dammit just put this on, for the love of God!" and he would still say "Nah, jeans are fine as long as I'm wearing this [plaid] button-up shirt."
Number of weddings to which he has worn jeans: 7
Number of weddings that have been ruined because of it: 0
So... Moral of the story is that you told people what to wear and they got pissed off, AND YOU ARE FINE WITH THAT?!?
If I got an invitation that said to come in flats or wedges I would be livid!! I'm a damn adult and can dress myself. I hate flats and I think (IMHO, when worn on me) that wedges are f-ugly, so do I get to show up in runners or barefoot? Oh Runners with a cocktail dress there is a good look!
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
I'd love to know why you're inviting all these morons to your wedding. Sounds like you'd have an easier time corralling a bunch on 2nd graders into following your rules than these idiotic adults. yeah....eye roll.
After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!
Also, that line did not stop half of the guests from showing up in jeans. People who know better will dress correctly. Those who do not know will ask. Those who do not care will disregard the line anyway.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
One of my BMs did change into jeans halfway through the reception. She doesn't usually wear dresses (I gave the option of a suit, she chose a bridesmaids dress), and apparently remembered how uncomfortable she finds them. She asked to change into the other clothes she had brought, and I, of course, said yes. I did this because she is one of my nearest and dearest, and her comfort is of the utmost importance to me. She, in turn, surprised me by wearing a button down that matched the dresses, because she's awesome.
One of her friends did end up making a comment on one of pictures with her in it after she had changed, but they were teasing her, not me or my wedding.
Obviously, she did not.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
However, I do agree that if you say it is black tie there will be CERTAIN things people expect.
At the end of the day it is your wedding and you should do what you would expect to see of others of it were their wedding.
It is either Black tie or it isn't. Saying that it is encouraged is like saying "I want a black tie wedding but I don't want to host it like one (aka Pay for it)"
You may think what you like but please do not go around giving advice like this on a board where people come for real help.