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Ok to put attire on invitation?

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Re: Ok to put attire on invitation?

  • dxavierahdxavierah member
    10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    asilem1998 said:
    Black tie optional is a real thing people. It means you don't have to wear a tux or gown but it is encouraged.

    http://24.media.tumblr.com/17888a1e05666ffa7ca4301b00b3f1a2/tumblr_mzvzczk3IS1tqm119o6_500.gif


    http://31.media.tumblr.com/5bd87efef37a8a28d76e938b44d812f5/tumblr_mzvyliseLV1tqm119o7_500.gif

    Did you happen to read this thread?

    We have explained ad nausem why BTO is NOT a real thing at all.

    You can always wear a tux or gown- it's always an option to be well dressed. 

    Attire should never be "encouraged" on an invitation. 

    Adults should know how to dress themselves and if they don't then either you didn't do your job conveying the formality of your event with your invitations. . . or they just don't fucking care and will dress as they please whether or not you list attire requests on your invitation.


    http://25.media.tumblr.com/fc73c134f49433879e8b1f73f380cf42/tumblr_mzvzky2EFq1tqm119o2_400.gif





    Adults should know how to dress themselves YES THEY SHOULD...BUT NOT EVERYONE DOES and if they don't then either you didn't do your job conveying the formality of your event with your invitations UHM NO, DON'T PUT THAT IGNORANCE ON THE HOST. . . or they just don't fucking care YES...YES.....NOW YOU'RE HITTING THE NAIL and will dress as they please whether or not you list attire requests on your invitation.  SO DON'T BE UPSET WITH THE HOST FOR TELLING MY PHOTOGRAPHER TO AVOID CERTAIN PEOPLE IN THE PHOTOGRAPHS THAT I'M PAYING LOTS OF MONEY FOR AND WANT TO BE ABLE TO ENJOY LOOKING AT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE

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  • Monk6552Monk6552 member
    Second Anniversary First Comment
    Maybe I missed this somewhere in the thread…

    but it seems that many of the responses here indicate that you should not provide guidance on dress on the invitation - because you should be able to tell from "the invitation and where the wedding is". Two follow-up questions here (and admittedly I am totally a newbie to planning and just got engaged) - how exactly would you be able to tell from the invitation if dress isn't specified on there? 

    Second, our potential venue is brand new and a rather untraditional location - such is the case when you live in an extremely expensive city and have a modest budget. However, just because we are in an untraditional setting does not mean the attire is casual - we still want a cocktail attire wedding just like many of the other hotel weddings we've been to. My question is - given the possible disconnect between the venue and expectations - should we spell it out on the invite? I.e. "cocktail attire" or something to that effect?

    Thanks for all input!
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    dxavierah said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    phira said:
    HOLD ON.

    Flats or wedges are more comfortable than heels?!

    image
    learn2platform.
    YES!!!!!! Especially when the weddign is a GARDEN PARTY at an Everglades Wildlife Sanctuary.....stillettos are not what you want to wear.  And because I KNOW my guests, I wanted them to know that their best heels are not what they would want to be in.  I call it being considerate of my guests. I knew that the only pavement was the path they took to get to the ceremony site, and the center aisle which was blocked from their use until the ceremony was over.  You can only prance around on your toes for so long to keep your heels from sinking into the ground.  If i went smewhere and had no idea that i would be on a lawn I would be annoyed that my 4" heels were covered in dirt and sporting battle scars from the rocks leaves and vines they encountered to prevent myself from falling.
    I meant that platform heels are very comfortable. . . even if stilettos. 

    BUT  I wouldn't wear heels to an outdoor wedding and reception.  I know how to walk in them in the grass, but it's a pain.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    dxavierah said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    asilem1998 said:
    Black tie optional is a real thing people. It means you don't have to wear a tux or gown but it is encouraged.

    http://24.media.tumblr.com/17888a1e05666ffa7ca4301b00b3f1a2/tumblr_mzvzczk3IS1tqm119o6_500.gif


    http://31.media.tumblr.com/5bd87efef37a8a28d76e938b44d812f5/tumblr_mzvyliseLV1tqm119o7_500.gif

    Did you happen to read this thread?

    We have explained ad nausem why BTO is NOT a real thing at all.

    You can always wear a tux or gown- it's always an option to be well dressed. 

    Attire should never be "encouraged" on an invitation. 

    Adults should know how to dress themselves and if they don't then either you didn't do your job conveying the formality of your event with your invitations. . . or they just don't fucking care and will dress as they please whether or not you list attire requests on your invitation.


    http://25.media.tumblr.com/fc73c134f49433879e8b1f73f380cf42/tumblr_mzvzky2EFq1tqm119o2_400.gif





    Adults should know how to dress themselves YES THEY SHOULD...BUT NOT EVERYONE DOES and if they don't then either you didn't do your job conveying the formality of your event with your invitations UHM NO, DON'T PUT THAT IGNORANCE ON THE HOST  It's your job as a host to set the tone of your event via your invitations.  If you are having a very upscale, evening event and you choose to use informal invitations, then yes, that mistake is on you the host.  or they just don't fucking care YES...YES.....NOW YOU'RE HITTING THE NAIL and will dress as they please whether or not you list attire requests on your invitation.  SO DON'T BE UPSET WITH THE HOST FOR TELLING MY PHOTOGRAPHER TO AVOID CERTAIN PEOPLE IN THE PHOTOGRAPHS THAT I'M PAYING LOTS OF MONEY FOR AND WANT TO BE ABLE TO ENJOY LOOKING AT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE  Seriously?!  You are going to be pissed off in 10 years when you look at your wedding album and it doesn't look like a professional bridal mag photo shoot?  How many photos of your guests do you really think you are even going to pay to have printed?



    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • dxavierahdxavierah member
    10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    Inkdancer said:
    @mandalynnecobb

    1. Please page Porscha or one of the other Knot Gods to change your username so it is not your full name. The internet is full of crazies.

    2. Do you really think asking them to wear something else is going to help? I mean, I agree with you to some extent, I would be pretty unhappy if my cousin showed up to my wedding in daisy dukes. But realistically, what will the result be? Some might change their attire for you. Some might come in the most horrifying thing they can, just to spite you.

    my sister-in-law's plus one came dressed like she literally just got off the pole....i spoke to her, but no, absolutely not did i pose with her for my photographer.  she got pictures with us on her own camera....the best picture of you is always the one that's screwed up by someone else.

    I had guests to show up in after 5 attire.....sequines and all....at a 1 o'clock wedding.  Everyone keeps saying that pople know how to dressed based on the invitation....no everyone does not.  They should, but what is there about a invitation that says 1 o'clock at a wildlife sanctuary that screams put on your silk lace and sequines?

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    dxavierah said:
    Inkdancer said:
    @mandalynnecobb

    1. Please page Porscha or one of the other Knot Gods to change your username so it is not your full name. The internet is full of crazies.

    2. Do you really think asking them to wear something else is going to help? I mean, I agree with you to some extent, I would be pretty unhappy if my cousin showed up to my wedding in daisy dukes. But realistically, what will the result be? Some might change their attire for you. Some might come in the most horrifying thing they can, just to spite you.

    my sister-in-law's plus one came dressed like she literally just got off the pole....i spoke to her, but no, absolutely not did i pose with her for my photographer.  she got pictures with us on her own camera....the best picture of you is always the one that's screwed up by someone else.

    I had guests to show up in after 5 attire.....sequines and all....at a 1 o'clock wedding.  Everyone keeps saying that pople know how to dressed based on the invitation....no everyone does not.  They should, but what is there about a invitation that says 1 o'clock at a wildlife sanctuary that screams put on your silk lace and sequines?

    This is our point.  Even if you put down what attire your would recommend your guests to wear there will always be ones that completely ignore it.  Or read it and think that they know what is best to wear for a wedding regardless of what you may of noted.  So why risk offending people that actually do know what to wear just to try and get those guests that are going to wear whatever they want regardless, into something that is more appropriate?

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  • dxavierahdxavierah member
    10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    KatWAG said:
    mandalynnecobb said:
    im worried that im going to spend a ton of money and people will come dressed like its halloween...

    SO WHAT? Shouldn't you be more focused on marrying the love of your life and spending the day with friends and family. Obsessing so much about clothes makes you seem shallow.
    it doesn't make her seem shallow......she's spending a TON of money....including for her pictures.  What is wrong with her NOT wanting her pictures to look like ripley's believe it or not!? I didn't pay for a videographer because i KNOW i won't look at a video.....i will however look at my pictures over and over and over, and i don't want to be reminded that i paid top dollar for memories of a freak show.  The day is important to her and she WANTS to remember it not wipe it out because she didn't get the look she dreamed of!
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  • dxavierahdxavierah member
    10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    lyndausvi said:
    Keopu said:
    I am a bit bothered by this post. We will be adding "aloha attire" to our invitations and our website. For one, it's pretty standard practice here in Hawai‘i and let's people know it's okay to wear shorts or jeans, but it should be accompanied by a nice aloha shirt. 

    The other thing is there's a cultural difference with about a third of our wedding party coming from the continent. When both my fiancé and I have been to friends' weddings in California and Arizona, the wedding attire was waaaaaaay different than here in Hawai‘i. If someone from the continent came in a blazer they would be totally overdressed and stick out like a sore thumb. But if we put casual and they came in shorts, slippers, and a polo shirt, they'd also stick out like a sore thumb for being too underdressed. It's a point of cultural education for us that we're willing to do and want to make sure our out-of-town guests understand. 

    I just want to bring in the discussion of different cultures into the mix. Though I'm sure I'll be crucified for it.
    This was actually the only thing we went against standard etiquette on.

    Both our families have Catholic Church,  high end venue, full meal, top shelf bar,  dress your best type weddings.    Our wedding was on a beach, no shoes and DH didn't wear a suit let alone a tie.   We still had a Saturday night with sit-down dinner and top shelf open bar.  

     Our families were completely confused on what to wear.  Not one of them had been to a non-church wedding , let alone on a beach. Completely out of their comfort zones.  It was the number #1 we were asked.    

    So  we decide to add a FAQ insert that among other questions was about attire.  It said something like "what should we wear" - the wedding is going to be on the actual sand beach. Jackets and ties are not necessary.  There will be a shoe valet available at the edge of the beach for your shoes.  We also put had the same FAQ page on our website.    (*note not all beach weddings are actually on the physical beach. Some are on decks or patios that overlook at beach.)

    Our guests we thrilled we put that on the inserts.   We received a lot of compliments because they just had never experienced a wedding where the groom was so causal.  The men would have felt out of place being more dressed than the groom.

    I personally do not regret putting information letting our guests know it was more casual then they are use to in the insert eve though it went against etiquette.   
    And because you know your guests best....what you did made more sense than trying to follow some old information, which although it may still be relevant for another wedding, had no place at yours.  I've been to beach weddings that were not on the sand and i've been to beach weddings that were.....rather than be surprised and uncomfortable, i appreciate the bride and groom telling me that ahead of time.  Then i don't have to bother them with phone alls and emails asking these silly questions when they have so much other stuff to pull together before THEIR WEDDING
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  • antotoantoto member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    Okay.  I have a genuine question here.  What resource are people using when you say attire should not be mentioned in the wedding website?  On my website I mention the attire... but I also talk about how the garden will be in full bloom so people with allergies may want to consider taking medication if they want to stay comfortable, and so on.  It's not that I think any of my guests are "morons" (holy cow... I would never say/feel that about my guests), but if they are on my wedding website and looking for info about where to be/what to do/etc would "wedding attire is formal"  not help a few of them?

    I fully agree that it should NOT be on your invite, but I feel like a wedding website is fine... am I wrong?  I don't know :(  I just feel like invitations are formal and you should only stick to the traditional format, but websites are completely different animals.  There are tons of things on my website that I wouldn't put on my invite.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    My parents and I spent a lot of money to give our guests a kick ass party.  We did not spend a ton of money just for pretty pictures.

    And like I said in a previous post 90% of your wedding pictures will be of you and your wedding party and immediate family.  The few that you will have with your guests will be when you are partying it up at your reception.  You certainly aren't taking posed full length portraits with each of your guests.

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  • KatWAGKatWAG member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited February 2014
    dxavierah said:
    KatWAG said:
    mandalynnecobb said:
    im worried that im going to spend a ton of money and people will come dressed like its halloween...

    SO WHAT? Shouldn't you be more focused on marrying the love of your life and spending the day with friends and family. Obsessing so much about clothes makes you seem shallow.
    it doesn't make her seem shallow......she's spending a TON of money....including for her pictures.  What is wrong with her NOT wanting her pictures to look like ripley's believe it or not!? I didn't pay for a videographer because i KNOW i won't look at a video.....i will however look at my pictures over and over and over, and i don't want to be reminded that i paid top dollar for memories of a freak show.  The day is important to her and she WANTS to remember it not wipe it out because she didn't get the look she dreamed of!

    What exactly do you think these people are going to show up wearing that makes it a freak show? It does make her seem shallow, seeing as appearances aren't everything and jeans don't ruin weddings.

    ETA: maybe you could slow down with the "......" and the "?!?!?!" Proper grammar and puncation are good things.

    BabyFruit Ticker
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Maggie0829 said:
    My parents and I spent a lot of money to give our guests a kick ass party.  We did not spend a ton of money just for pretty pictures.

    And like I said in a previous post 90% of your wedding pictures will be of you and your wedding party and immediate family.  The few that you will have with your guests will be when you are partying it up at your reception.  You certainly aren't taking posed full length portraits with each of your guests.
    Yep, this exactly.

    Ladies, get a grip.  You are not going to be paying to print out or to have included in an overpriced wedding album a bunch of random shots of your guests. . . even if you are in the photo with them.

    So stop worrying about what your pictures will look like!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • dxavierahdxavierah member
    10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    edited February 2014
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    dxavierah said:
    vt&dt said:
    wow.  

    All of this "I'm above etiquette/my guests are idiots/I was rude and offended someone and people are saying so!" makes me want wine.

    @dxavierah why did you invite all of those people that you obviously think are morons to your wedding?  

    I sent out my invitations and people have read them, I've gotten back about 40% of RSVPs two weeks before the deadline.  AND I'm a Middle-American (this gem) so obviously know nothing because all I do is eat at Applebee's and shop at Wal-Mart.  How the heck has my planning been so successful?!

    Sorry, I'm snarky today.
    I have no control over other people's ignorance...and one's class level has nothing to do with intelligence, and neither of the above facts change who you know and love.....you invite who matters to you.  Doesn't mean you love everything they do....one of my sisters-in-law didn't show up to our wedding, but we don't love her any less....will she be invited to anything else that we host OF COURSE.....Will she show up? Who knows.  I didn't bother looking at the check-in list to see who did or didn't show up,but i do know that people who DIDN'T rsvp tried to get in, and people who DID rsvp didn't show up.  All I lknow is we planned for 200 and considering that there wasn't much left over of ANYTHING we came pretty close to that number if we didn't hit it on the head!
    Then why did you give a rat's ass what your loved ones are wearing to your wedding?

    That is the entire point of why putting attire requests on invitations is rude, and why we keep telling people not to do it in this specific thread and in all the others that pop up on TK.

    If you truly care for people and the important thing is that they are present to witness, support, and celebrate your marriage, then the clothes on their backs shouldn't matter.

    When Brides worry about what their guests are going to wear, and try to control that, they are essentially worrying and trying to control how their photos will look.  And then they are saying that all that is truly important to them is having a photo album that looks like a Martha Stewart Wedding article.
    That's YOUR opinion....and ours are different.  It doesn't make one right or wrong.  I didn't want an album full of people looking like they are about to fall over.  someone else doesn't want an album of people looking like a freak show.  Fact of the matter is, you have no choice but to relive your wedding through your pictures or video.  Why are yo ladies all so offended by someone wanting to have good memories to look at long after the pomp and circumstance has ended?  My husband I personally did what WE wanted....for everything....and aside from the 8 people who just wanted something to complain about, everyone felt that it was refreshing to have a wedding that didn't get all caught up in the "you have to do this at a wedding" madness.  Weddings are not cookie cutter...they should and more often now reflect the personalities of the bride and groom.  It isn't a time for everyone else to be saluted.  Many brides and grooms don't get to enjoy THEIR weddings because they are so busy doing what everyone else wants them to do, and yes, i've had many tell me personally that they regret not doing what they wanted to do because others enjoyed the day more than they did.  I didn't want to regret my wedding....it was funded by us so it was for us and it turned out that everyone there was able to enjoy the spaces and activities that we enjoy.
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  • antotoantoto member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    Inkdancer said:
    antoto said:
    Okay.  I have a genuine question here.  What resource are people using when you say attire should not be mentioned in the wedding website?  On my website I mention the attire... but I also talk about how the garden will be in full bloom so people with allergies may want to consider taking medication if they want to stay comfortable, and so on.  It's not that I think any of my guests are "morons" (holy cow... I would never say/feel that about my guests), but if they are on my wedding website and looking for info about where to be/what to do/etc would "wedding attire is formal"  not help a few of them?

    I fully agree that it should NOT be on your invite, but I feel like a wedding website is fine... am I wrong?  I don't know :(  I just feel like invitations are formal and you should only stick to the traditional format, but websites are completely different animals.  There are tons of things on my website that I wouldn't put on my invite.
    On your website, you may absolutely say things like "the gardens will be in full bloom" or "June is a high-pollen season" or "the cocktail hour will be held on a grassy lawn". What you can't say is "no jeans", "only flat shoes", or "tuxes required". Basically, you can tell guests about the location or things they need to know, but once you get specific about what they can and cannot wear, you're being rude.
    I would never say "no jeans" or "only flat shoes" or anything like that because that is just weirdly specific and controlling and IS rude.  Saying "attire will be formal" is a guideline...   Again, has Miss Manners or Emily Post or any etiquette book/site said anything on this topic or are people sort of making this up...?
    image
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    antoto said:
    Inkdancer said:
    On your website, you may absolutely say things like "the gardens will be in full bloom" or "June is a high-pollen season" or "the cocktail hour will be held on a grassy lawn". What you can't say is "no jeans", "only flat shoes", or "tuxes required". Basically, you can tell guests about the location or things they need to know, but once you get specific about what they can and cannot wear, you're being rude.
    I would never say "no jeans" or "only flat shoes" or anything like that because that is just weirdly specific and controlling and IS rude.  Saying "attire will be formal" is a guideline...   Again, has Miss Manners or Emily Post or any etiquette book/site said anything on this topic or are people sort of making this up...?

    artbyallie said:
    I think I posted it on a different thread, but Miss Manners makes it perfectly clear that it is not okay to put attire anywhere. And she is the only authority that still advocates real etiquette.

    artbyallie said:
    Aha! Found it:

    From Miss Manner's Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding, "DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am attending a wedding with my family next month and have received an e-mail giving the "attire for the ceremony and reception" as All White for women and girls, and khaki pants and white shirts for the men and boys. The e-mail states that this will make the wedding fit in with the couple's outdoor theme.
    My questions: a. Is it appropriate for the couple to dictate what guests should wear to the wedding? b. Do guests need to go along with this? and c. Isn't it a faux pas for anyone but the bride to wear white at a wedding?
    GENTLE READER: a. no, b. no, and c. yes."

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • NYCBruinNYCBruin member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    Monk6552 said:
    Maybe I missed this somewhere in the thread…

    but it seems that many of the responses here indicate that you should not provide guidance on dress on the invitation - because you should be able to tell from "the invitation and where the wedding is". Two follow-up questions here (and admittedly I am totally a newbie to planning and just got engaged) - how exactly would you be able to tell from the invitation if dress isn't specified on there? 

    Second, our potential venue is brand new and a rather untraditional location - such is the case when you live in an extremely expensive city and have a modest budget. However, just because we are in an untraditional setting does not mean the attire is casual - we still want a cocktail attire wedding just like many of the other hotel weddings we've been to. My question is - given the possible disconnect between the venue and expectations - should we spell it out on the invite? I.e. "cocktail attire" or something to that effect?

    Thanks for all input!
    You can tell from the "fanciness" of the invitation the fanciness of the location.  Heavy cardstock, letterpress, formal language = formal.  Casual invitations with "fun" fonts means more casual.  

    The other thing that clues people in on how to dress is the location and time of day.  Evening in a ballroom = formal.  Outdoors in the middle of the day = casual.  

    If your location suggests that your event will be more casual, there is a chance people may dress more casually.  Ditto if it's during the day.  

    It's always rude to tell adults how to dress.  Your desire to have your guests look a certain way does not change that.  Hopefully you want your guests there because you care about them and not because you think they'll look pretty in the background of photos.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
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  • antotoantoto member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited February 2014
    PrettyGirlLost said:

    antoto said:
    Inkdancer said:
    On your website, you may absolutely say things like "the gardens will be in full bloom" or "June is a high-pollen season" or "the cocktail hour will be held on a grassy lawn". What you can't say is "no jeans", "only flat shoes", or "tuxes required". Basically, you can tell guests about the location or things they need to know, but once you get specific about what they can and cannot wear, you're being rude.
    I would never say "no jeans" or "only flat shoes" or anything like that because that is just weirdly specific and controlling and IS rude.  Saying "attire will be formal" is a guideline...   Again, has Miss Manners or Emily Post or any etiquette book/site said anything on this topic or are people sort of making this up...?

    artbyallie said:
    I think I posted it on a different thread, but Miss Manners makes it perfectly clear that it is not okay to put attire anywhere. And she is the only authority that still advocates real etiquette.

    artbyallie said:
    Aha! Found it:

    From Miss Manner's Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding, "DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am attending a wedding with my family next month and have received an e-mail giving the "attire for the ceremony and reception" as All White for women and girls, and khaki pants and white shirts for the men and boys. The e-mail states that this will make the wedding fit in with the couple's outdoor theme.
    My questions: a. Is it appropriate for the couple to dictate what guests should wear to the wedding? b. Do guests need to go along with this? and c. Isn't it a faux pas for anyone but the bride to wear white at a wedding?
    GENTLE READER: a. no, b. no, and c. yes."
    Ah, this is helpful :)  Thank you very much for finding this for me.  I will definitely have to delete that off of my website!

    Edit:  Although I doooo have to say what that person was talking about - dictating colors and fabrics is NOT the same as giving a guideline to formality... but better safe than sorry.
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  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    dxavierah

    Er, I think you misinterpreted my post. I think that the majority of people know that flats and wedges are more comfortable than stilettos; telling guests that is infinitely silly because they already know that. And to me, it's rude because it's condescending--as if I wouldn't know what shoes are more comfortable.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    antoto said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:

    antoto said:
    Inkdancer said:
    On your website, you may absolutely say things like "the gardens will be in full bloom" or "June is a high-pollen season" or "the cocktail hour will be held on a grassy lawn". What you can't say is "no jeans", "only flat shoes", or "tuxes required". Basically, you can tell guests about the location or things they need to know, but once you get specific about what they can and cannot wear, you're being rude.
    I would never say "no jeans" or "only flat shoes" or anything like that because that is just weirdly specific and controlling and IS rude.  Saying "attire will be formal" is a guideline...   Again, has Miss Manners or Emily Post or any etiquette book/site said anything on this topic or are people sort of making this up...?

    artbyallie said:
    I think I posted it on a different thread, but Miss Manners makes it perfectly clear that it is not okay to put attire anywhere. And she is the only authority that still advocates real etiquette.

    artbyallie said:
    Aha! Found it:

    From Miss Manner's Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding, "DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am attending a wedding with my family next month and have received an e-mail giving the "attire for the ceremony and reception" as All White for women and girls, and khaki pants and white shirts for the men and boys. The e-mail states that this will make the wedding fit in with the couple's outdoor theme.
    My questions: a. Is it appropriate for the couple to dictate what guests should wear to the wedding? b. Do guests need to go along with this? and c. Isn't it a faux pas for anyone but the bride to wear white at a wedding?
    GENTLE READER: a. no, b. no, and c. yes."
    Ah, this is helpful :)  Thank you very much for finding this for me.  I will definitely have to delete that off of my website!

    Edit:  Although I doooo have to say what that person was talking about - dictating colors and fabrics is NOT the same as giving a guideline to formality... but better safe than sorry.
    Again, you communicate the formality of your event by the venue you chose, the time of day your event is being held, and the formality and quality of your invitations.  You can also include pictures of your venue on your wedding website.  But that should be all that is needed for someone to figure out how to dress for your wedding.

    Wedding ceremony held in a cathedral or church followed by a late afternoon/evening wedding in an upscale hotel or a historic mansion, and the invitations were on letterpress with calligraphy?  Formal wedding- cocktail dress heels, suit and tie.

    Afternoon wedding ceremony and reception outdoors in the Everglades?  Casual wedding- summer dress, flats or sandals, polo or short  sleeve button down shirt, khakis.



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  • InkdancerInkdancer member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    antoto said:
    Inkdancer said:
    antoto said:
    Okay.  I have a genuine question here.  What resource are people using when you say attire should not be mentioned in the wedding website?  On my website I mention the attire... but I also talk about how the garden will be in full bloom so people with allergies may want to consider taking medication if they want to stay comfortable, and so on.  It's not that I think any of my guests are "morons" (holy cow... I would never say/feel that about my guests), but if they are on my wedding website and looking for info about where to be/what to do/etc would "wedding attire is formal"  not help a few of them?

    I fully agree that it should NOT be on your invite, but I feel like a wedding website is fine... am I wrong?  I don't know :(  I just feel like invitations are formal and you should only stick to the traditional format, but websites are completely different animals.  There are tons of things on my website that I wouldn't put on my invite.
    On your website, you may absolutely say things like "the gardens will be in full bloom" or "June is a high-pollen season" or "the cocktail hour will be held on a grassy lawn". What you can't say is "no jeans", "only flat shoes", or "tuxes required". Basically, you can tell guests about the location or things they need to know, but once you get specific about what they can and cannot wear, you're being rude.
    I would never say "no jeans" or "only flat shoes" or anything like that because that is just weirdly specific and controlling and IS rude.  Saying "attire will be formal" is a guideline...   Again, has Miss Manners or Emily Post or any etiquette book/site said anything on this topic or are people sort of making this up...?
    You would be surprised how many brides flat out say "no jeans" or "don't wear white". It's rude but people do it.

    Also, things like "formal attire" mean different things to different people. For my grandfather, that means he's not wearing camouflage pants. (No joke. It's like 30 years in the military taught him nothing.) For me, it means I'm breaking out my silver evening gown. So guidelines like that are less helpful than information about weather, floor or lack thereof, etc.
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    eyeroll
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  • antotoantoto member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    Inkdancer said:
    antoto said:
    Inkdancer said:
    antoto said:
    Okay.  I have a genuine question here.  What resource are people using when you say attire should not be mentioned in the wedding website?  On my website I mention the attire... but I also talk about how the garden will be in full bloom so people with allergies may want to consider taking medication if they want to stay comfortable, and so on.  It's not that I think any of my guests are "morons" (holy cow... I would never say/feel that about my guests), but if they are on my wedding website and looking for info about where to be/what to do/etc would "wedding attire is formal"  not help a few of them?

    I fully agree that it should NOT be on your invite, but I feel like a wedding website is fine... am I wrong?  I don't know :(  I just feel like invitations are formal and you should only stick to the traditional format, but websites are completely different animals.  There are tons of things on my website that I wouldn't put on my invite.
    On your website, you may absolutely say things like "the gardens will be in full bloom" or "June is a high-pollen season" or "the cocktail hour will be held on a grassy lawn". What you can't say is "no jeans", "only flat shoes", or "tuxes required". Basically, you can tell guests about the location or things they need to know, but once you get specific about what they can and cannot wear, you're being rude.
    I would never say "no jeans" or "only flat shoes" or anything like that because that is just weirdly specific and controlling and IS rude.  Saying "attire will be formal" is a guideline...   Again, has Miss Manners or Emily Post or any etiquette book/site said anything on this topic or are people sort of making this up...?
    You would be surprised how many brides flat out say "no jeans" or "don't wear white". It's rude but people do it.

    Also, things like "formal attire" mean different things to different people. For my grandfather, that means he's not wearing camouflage pants. (No joke. It's like 30 years in the military taught him nothing.) For me, it means I'm breaking out my silver evening gown. So guidelines like that are less helpful than information about weather, floor or lack thereof, etc.
    Bolded is CRAY.  Vomit.

    I think there is an actual definition of "formal attire", isn't there?  Of course, the people that need this hint probably wouldn't know what that definition was anyways... *sigh* lol
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