Minor Update Vent - Uninvited to the Wedding

mellyD2014 · February 2014

FI and I were just uninvited to the wedding of one of his long-time friends. Absolute friendship ending move. I'm sad that FI is losing a friend but absolutely outraged about the whole situation. Essentially, FI and a bunch of the other guys wanted to host something for the groom; groom & bride found out they were planning something and absolutely flipped their lids. I am unsure about giving too many details away, but has anyone ever had this happen? How did you support your FI through it?

I'm beyond angry about it - we had already sent in our RSVP and put a deposit down on a rental (it's essentially a DW - 2 hours away and there was no block set up for guests).

GRRR! Mostly I'm venting, but wanted to see if any one had some advice on how to support FI through this. I want to share my own opinion on these "friends" but don't want to make it harder for him. Thoughts?

***
Update: As this cluster continues to spiral out of control, the 8 of us have received official un-invitation calls. Additionally, G is demanding that we stay away from the beach town that weekend. While he has benevolently (sarcasm) offered to pay us the deposit back, I think we're going to have way more fun enjoying a vacation

MrsMack10612 · February 2014

I understand not wanting to provide details, but do I read correctly that you (and possibly others) were uninvited because of bachelor party plans?

That seems a little extreme. I sense there is more behind this than that.

Jen4948 · February 2014

Well, I'll agree that it's rude to uninvite people and a friendship-ending move, but before I pass further judgment, what were your FI and his friends planning, and had they already approached the groom/couple only to be told no and decided to do it anyway?

mellyD2014 · February 2014

Yes - the bachelor party is being planned by the groom & bride and they are having a joint gathering. The guys wanted to have their own dinner/night out/whatever in addition to that. This idea didn't fly - but instead of politely declining, it blew up into this totally unnecessary cluster.

cowgirl8238 · February 2014

mellyD2014 said:

FI and I were just uninvited to the wedding of one of his long-time friends. Absolute friendship ending move. I'm sad that FI is losing a friend but absolutely outraged about the whole situation. Essentially, FI and a bunch of the other guys wanted to host something for the groom; groom & bride found out they were planning something and absolutely flipped their lids. I am unsure about giving too many details away, but has anyone ever had this happen? How did you support your FI through it?

I'm beyond angry about it - we had already sent in our RSVP and put a deposit down on a rental (it's essentially a DW - 2 hours away and there was no block set up for guests).

GRRR! Mostly I'm venting, but wanted to see if any one had some advice on how to support FI through this. I want to share my own opinion on these "friends" but don't want to make it harder for him. Thoughts?

I agree more details are needed to understand what's going on here!

ChemFanatic25 · February 2014

Wow, that is really extreme just for a little miscommunication.

Jen4948 · February 2014

mellyD2014 said:

Yes - the bachelor party is being planned by the groom & bride and they are having a joint gathering. The guys wanted to have their own dinner/night out/whatever in addition to that. This idea didn't fly - but instead of politely declining, it blew up into this totally unnecessary cluster.

What would have been involved in this? Strippers? Lap-dancing? Drugs? Drunkenness? Did the groom gently say no only to be pressured or told that they guys were going to do it to him anyway?

Depending on how raunchy or risque it got, that might be the reason it blew up, and it might not have been a "totally unnecessary cluster."

StephJean83 · February 2014

I guess for me, not knowing more it is hard to say whether B&G are being reasonable or not. It does seem extreme to uninvite someone over a bachelor party plan.

I was uninvited, as a child with my family, from my cousin's wedding and to this day my family does not speak to my aunt who uninvited us.

mellyD2014 · February 2014

As per my 2nd post - the G&B were planning their own joint bachelor/ette; the G's friends (including FI) wanted to do something additionally for G that didn't include B & her friends; no plans were actually in place yet, but when G found out they were planning, instead of politely declining (which, obviously, they have every right to do and I don't think FI & friends would've pushed for it after a decline), they went off the ledge.

I agree, I don't think the reaction is appropriate, but I get the sense that G is defensive about his relationship w/ B, so this is all just a culmination of whatever issues there are there.

Jen4948 · February 2014

Okay, thanks for clarifying.

It does sound like he overreacted. But I was trying to figure out what he was overreacting to.

cowgirl8238 · February 2014

mellyD2014 said:

Yes - the bachelor party is being planned by the groom & bride and they are having a joint gathering. The guys wanted to have their own dinner/night out/whatever in addition to that. This idea didn't fly - but instead of politely declining, it blew up into this totally unnecessary cluster.

I have no idea why you be uninvited over something so silly. A simple no-thank you was all that was needed. This shouldn't have been a friendship ending move. I am sorry for what they did.

Edit because poster added a comment that I hadn't seen

mellyD2014 · February 2014

Okay, thanks for clarifying.

It does sound like he overreacted. But I was trying to figure out what he was overreacting to.

@jen4948 you and me both! I'd totally understand if it was something risque - that's not something everyone wants or enjoys - but there were literally no plans yet!

StephJean83 · February 2014

mellyD2014 said:
Yes - the bachelor party is being planned by the groom & bride and they are having a joint gathering. The guys wanted to have their own dinner/night out/whatever in addition to that. This idea didn't fly - but instead of politely declining, it blew up into this totally unnecessary cluster.

What were they planning? My FH planned a party for his buddy and they went to the firing range, bar hopped on the way back to the groom's and they grilled out at the groom's. The groom had no idea it was happening and thought he wasn't getting a bachelor party.

If it was truly just a dinner out and some drinks that seems extreme but if it involved stuff the groom didn't want, still extreme but the groom should have talked about it.

AddieCake · February 2014

WTF

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

If the only sin was that your FI and his friends wanted to do a guys-only event with Groom and Groom got defensive and flipped his shit, then yeah, they over-reacted.

If they weren't pushing strippers on him or something raunchy, then Groom is being ridiculous.

I'm so sorry for your FI

mellyD2014 · February 2014

StephJean83 - There weren't any plans in place yet. From what I gathered after this all blew up, the ideas the group were playing around with sounded pretty tame - steak dinner, local concert, drinks at the bar they used to frequent when they first met, etc.

grumbledore · February 2014

Dafuq. That's really shitty. Assuming that those doing the planning approached the groom and said, "We'd like to do ____ for you, are you into it?" He could have simply said no thank you and moved on. I sense there's either more to it (maybe only on B&G's end and not yours) or these people are insane. Either way, it still sucks.

mellyD2014 · February 2014

Ick. The situation just is so unbelievably stupid. Thanks for the support all - G&B were a big part of their circle of friends, so I'm really feeling for all involved.

delujm0 · February 2014

So....are this bride and groom ever going to be allowed to just go to dinner alone with their own friends once they get married? Or is a wedding ring a glorified leash that means that they must be together at all times?

I agree with PP that unless something was being planned for this event that the groom didn't approve of (such as strippers or whatever) this seems like a non-issue. If the B&G are going to be crazy people now, it's probably better that you guys not be friends anymore anyway.

i will seriously never understand joint bachelor/bachelorette parties or couples that refuse to be separated for any reason. It's ok to go out with your friends without your spouce. Nothing terrible will happen if you're not attached at the hip. This attitude just screams "LOW SELF ESTEEM" to me. If you're afraid that your FI is going to leave you to be with a stripper, or that if they go out without you they'll cheat on you, you probably shouldn't be getting married anyway.

StephJean83 · February 2014

mellyD2014 said:
StephJean83 - There weren't any plans in place yet. From what I gathered after this all blew up, the ideas the group were playing around with sounded pretty tame - steak dinner, local concert, drinks at the bar they used to frequent when they first met, etc.

Does the B&G do everything together? It sounds like maybe they are afraid that the friends don't approve and will try to talk the groom out of the wedding/marriage.

banana468 · February 2014

Are your deposits non refundable? If they are, go anyway and just don't attend the wedding. Sounds like you're better off without them!

mellyD2014 · February 2014

Yeah, they don't spend any time apart AT ALL, which, fine - whatever floats your boat. As someone who values my alone and girlfriend time, though, I can't say I understand it. No one dislikes the B though, they've been part of the circle of friends for years, so I can't imagine anyone trying to talk either side out of their wedding. I think you guys are all hitting the nail on the head, though, with the trust issues comments.

KatWAG · February 2014

shrekspeare said:

Did everyone else get uninvited as well?

This is what I want to know. Were the other guys involved in the bach party also uninvited? I get a sneaking suspicion that there is more to this story.

mellyD2014 · February 2014

Yep - all of 'em.

singinchick13 · February 2014

I do know a couple who insist on doing pretty much everything together....one will not attend a social gathering without the other, basically. When they got married last year, the guys all got together during the bridal shower, and they had bachelor/bachelorette parties on the same night. Everyone essentially met up at the end of the night, no harm done. Even though they insist on always including one another, I doubt they would ever end a friendship over this, that seems to be pretty extreme.

AddieCake · February 2014

This is so entirely fucked up. I keep rereading it to make sure I didn't miss a detail that would make it all make sense.

Maggie0829 · February 2014

These people sound crazy and your FI is better off without such a co-dependent person to their SO as a friend.

mellyD2014 · February 2014

Naah, they didn't have a wedding party - just a MoH and BM (a family member of the groom that no one knows), so it's not like it's a huge group - all of us who were uninvited were just friends of the groom or dating/engaged to those friends. It is the strangest, most insane thing I've ever peripherally been a part of!

MrsMack10612 · February 2014

Whoa. That's just nuts. I hope the groom realizes the damage he's done to all of his friendships with this little maneuver.

I hope he and his attached at the hip wife will be very happy with each other, because that's all they are going to have.

I think I'd go nuts if I didn't spend some time sans husband.

mellyD2014 · February 2014

@AddieL73 I know! I keep checking in w the other ladies involved and my FI to make sure we're not missing anything either! Lots of hurt feelings involved, I think. Guys are upset they're being dumped, essentially, by the G, and maybe the G feeling disrespected because they don't want to include B on everything? Maybe? I have no clue.

jdluvr06 · February 2014

I'm having trouble wrapping my brain around this.

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