I think changing your name isn't about pro/con. It's about you're _______'s wife. Taking his name shows that you respect him & that you're his. Call me old fashioned, but it was a 'no brainer' for me.
I am also not changing my name. I've built a good repuation in my field over the last couple of years, and I don't want to lose that network because people don't recognize my name on something. There are also work-related hurdles to changing my name that aren't really worth the time to figure out.
Earlier in my life (even through college), I was very sure I'd change my name to match my husband's. My family is very traditional, and it would be expected. However, I attach a lot of meaning to names, and I'm very proud of my heritage (which is tied closely with my last name). My fiance's last name is linked to a culture and religion I don't share, and it doesn't fit me at all. I've agreed to let our kids have his last name, but they are definitely going to be taught about my heritage. I have only sisters (and one already changed her name), so this is the last generation of our family name.
I think changing your name isn't about pro/con. It's about you're _______'s wife. Taking his name shows that you respect him & that you're his. Call me old fashioned, but it was a 'no brainer' for me.
My husband and I must not respect each other and neither of us must "be" the others' (what even IS that?) since we both kept our names. Seriously, if this reasoning works for you, then rock on, but it sure sounds like it insinuates judgment toward any woman who doesn't take her husband's name.
I think changing your name isn't about pro/con. It's about you're _______'s wife. Taking his name shows that you respect him & that you're his. Call me old fashioned, but it was a 'no brainer' for me.
I will not change my last name. Neither BF nor I feel strongly about having the same last name and I feel very strongly that a woman should not be categorized by her marital status (what's that about?!) and I also dislike the historical connotations of possession that go along with changing your name to your husband's (historically it showed man's ownership over his wife). There is just this inherent assumption that a woman will change her name to her husband's. Why don't we as a society ever ask the man if he will change his last name? People actually get outraged at the thought!
BF may change his last name to mine, and any children would have my last name.
There's no right answer to this, just what is right for the specific couple.
I think changing your name isn't about pro/con. It's about you're _______'s wife. Taking his name shows that you respect him & that you're his. Call me old fashioned, but it was a 'no brainer' for me.
So...when a husband doesn't change his last name to match his wife's, then he doesn't respect her? Or is it just women that need to show respect to their husbands?
ETA: I have to say that I think there are many, many ways to show you respect your partner that have nothing to do with your name.
Pros of changing: - Appease traditional relatives - Experience a big, tangible change to go along with a more intangible change - Buy cute signs for your yard that say "The Johnsons" or whatever - Share a name with all family members (if applicable. You can do this by other means too.) - By embracing the "default" option (in the US anyway) avoid having to explain your choice to everyone who's nosy
Pros of keeping: - Buck tradition and start the slow process of making the choice more normal in our society - Keep professional continuity - Retain what is to many an important part of yourself - Keep your email address (if applicable) - Avoid a bunch of paperwork
I'm keeping mine. A big part of the reason (despite the above) is because my mom kept hers and made me realize it was an option, and I want to do the same for my potential kids. And the whole double standard really gets my goat.
@cruffino I was actually talking to my partner about this a few days ago. A lot of people talk about it like, "Oh, he's okay with me keeping my name," or, "He prefers that I change it." Which, obviously, is a fine thing to say. But it just makes me think about how strange and kind of creepy it is that we talk about it like that. Like, we'd all better hope that my partner is okay with me not changing my name because it's none of his business. But no one would say, "She's okay with him keeping his last name," and a lot of people feel like it's not okay for a woman to want her husband to change his last name to hers. That just makes me all kinds of irritated.
@phira Yup, it's definitely a double standard. DH is traditional and would prefer I change my name, but he respects my decision. Oh the joys of the patriarchy!
Whatever anyone decides, the one thing I always say to people is, 'Be polite if people ask, as long as they're asking not to be nosy but for legit reasons.'
To wit: A former co-worker of mine and DH's, who's still a very good friend of ours, was invited to our wedding. Along with his wife.
On FB, his wife (whom I didn't know), is Susie Smith. (Friend is John Doe). At work (she works in the same industry I do, so I see her name often), she is Susie Smith. To be on the very, very safe side, I still asked our friend, 'Hey, did your wife keep her maiden name socially or just professionally? How does she want to be addressed?'
He said he'd ask her.
He asked her. I got a long, ranty FB message about how she was married and I needed to respect that and what did I think she had done with her name, and why did I think she wouldn't have taken her husband's name and etc., etc., etc.
Bottom line: You can do whatever you want, but you can't get mad when people make (honest) mistakes or ask (reasonable) questions.
(Not saying you would, just that some people do, and it's annoying).
I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
I'm going to add something that many PPs haven't mentioned: using his credit cards. Where I work, your ID must match the last name on the credit card (prefer the whole name, but at least the last name). If you wanted to use his card for something, and you go by your maiden name, I wouldn't be able to accept it.
This being said, I'm having a big struggle myself in whether or not to change. I love my FI's family, love the name and how its shorter, easier to say and sounds good with my name, but I loved my father dearly and my whole family. So do what makes you feel good, and if you get an account you both may use, get your own cards
@HisGirlFriday13 that is so ridiculous! If someone asked which I preferred, I would be flattered and happy that they were taking so much care not to offend me! People who get snarky about stuff like that really need to rethink their priorities.
FI and I had a long conversation about what to do with my last name. I'm the first physician in my family and like that I'm Dr. Smith (but a much more unique variety). We talked about me changing to his last name, but all of my training and licensing is complete which is a true pain to change. I know about the nightmares associated with hyphenated last names when it comes to anything done on computers. I also have a long last name that doesn't need any additional syllables. In the end, we decided that I'll be keeping my last name which is really common in our social circle. Any kids will have his last name only. If someone calls me Mrs. Jones socially, I don't feel a need to correct them. I'll just legally be Dr. Smith.
If you don't change your name definitely have a conversation about what you will name the kids. Hyphenating kid's names can be a huge pain. I used to work at an after school program and several of the kids had hyphenated names. The first name tended to be the mother's and the second the father's. I would see the first part get dropped all the time. So Billy Smith-Jones would end up being called Billy Jones. When parents picked up their kids they had to sign them out. They were listed by alphabetical order in the sign out book (each kid had their own page). Going back to my example Billy Smith-Jones would be filed under "S" since his last name started with "S". The child's own parents (especially Mr. Jones) would look for the child under "J" and would want to know why he was filed under "S". Um, because you gave your child the name Smith-Jones so the first letter of his last name is "S". I also wonder what would happen if one these kids married another hyphenated name. Would the next generation be White-Brown-Smith-Jones?
If you don't change your name definitely have a conversation about what you will name the kids. Hyphenating kid's names can be a huge pain. I used to work at an after school program and several of the kids had hyphenated names. The first name tended to be the mother's and the second the father's. I would see the first part get dropped all the time. So Billy Smith-Jones would end up being called Billy Jones. When parents picked up their kids they had to sign them out. They were listed by alphabetical order in the sign out book (each kid had their own page). Going back to my example Billy Smith-Jones would be filed under "S" since his last name started with "S". The child's own parents (especially Mr. Jones) would look for the child under "J" and would want to know why he was filed under "S". Um, because you gave your child the name Smith-Jones so the first letter of his last name is "S". I also wonder what would happen if one these kids married another hyphenated name. Would the next generation be White-Brown-Smith-Jones?
That does sound confusing. However, I think that when that generation of kids grew up enough to be planning kids of their own, they would be in a position to have an adult conversation about what to name those kids. It just seems silly to consider what the names of hypothetical grandchildren would be when deciding whether or not to change your name after your wedding. I think hyphenating is a great way to represent two families. If the biggest challenge is that a teacher is a little confused about a child's name- well that doesn't seem like it should be a main consideration at all, and seems easily remedied if the teacher just asks the parents or child what is preferred.
If you don't change your name definitely have a conversation about what you will name the kids. Hyphenating kid's names can be a huge pain. I used to work at an after school program and several of the kids had hyphenated names. The first name tended to be the mother's and the second the father's. I would see the first part get dropped all the time. So Billy Smith-Jones would end up being called Billy Jones. When parents picked up their kids they had to sign them out. They were listed by alphabetical order in the sign out book (each kid had their own page). Going back to my example Billy Smith-Jones would be filed under "S" since his last name started with "S". The child's own parents (especially Mr. Jones) would look for the child under "J" and would want to know why he was filed under "S". Um, because you gave your child the name Smith-Jones so the first letter of his last name is "S". I also wonder what would happen if one these kids married another hyphenated name. Would the next generation be White-Brown-Smith-Jones?
That does sound confusing. However, I think that when that generation of kids grew up enough to be planning kids of their own, they would be in a position to have an adult conversation about what to name those kids. It just seems silly to consider what the names of hypothetical grandchildren would be when deciding whether or not to change your name after your wedding. I think hyphenating is a great way to represent two families. If the biggest challenge is that a teacher is a little confused about a child's name- well that doesn't seem like it should be a main consideration at all, and seems easily remedied if the teacher just asks the parents or child what is preferred.
If that is the argument for giving a child 2 last names then it would also be the argument for giving the next generation four last names. And I actually meant that last bit as a joke.
Also, I was not confused about what the child's name was. It was very clear what the child's name was on the paper work the parents filled out. If they wanted the child's last name to be listed as Jones then they should have named him Jones.
If you don't change your name definitely have a conversation about what you will name the kids. Hyphenating kid's names can be a huge pain. I used to work at an after school program and several of the kids had hyphenated names. The first name tended to be the mother's and the second the father's. I would see the first part get dropped all the time. So Billy Smith-Jones would end up being called Billy Jones. When parents picked up their kids they had to sign them out. They were listed by alphabetical order in the sign out book (each kid had their own page). Going back to my example Billy Smith-Jones would be filed under "S" since his last name started with "S". The child's own parents (especially Mr. Jones) would look for the child under "J" and would want to know why he was filed under "S". Um, because you gave your child the name Smith-Jones so the first letter of his last name is "S". I also wonder what would happen if one these kids married another hyphenated name. Would the next generation be White-Brown-Smith-Jones?
I agree the hyphens are a pain at school (and probably other aspects of life too) And also wondered about their kids with the 4 names haha! I know they can choose what to do with that later but it just gets me thinking the hyphens don't make sense for the long haul. Also some kids get sick of the hyphens and just start identifying with the second name. Even recently addressing save the dates, my friends BF is a hyphen and I was told he hyphens at work but socially just uses the second name.
I think I like the idea of putting my maiden as my new middle name and taking my husbands last name. I always knew I'd want to take my husbands name but its nice to keep your old name too without hyphenating. I have a common middle name that I dont feel a particular connection with, so I don't mind dropping it. My problem is that someone else in my field has my first name and my future married last name! Hope she doesn't mind me stealing her name!
I think I like the idea of putting my maiden as my new middle name and taking my husbands last name. I always knew I'd want to take my husbands name but its nice to keep your old name too without hyphenating. I have a common middle name that I dont feel a particular connection with, so I don't mind dropping it. My problem is that someone else in my field has my first name and my future married last name! Hope she doesn't mind me stealing her name!
Make sure you can legally do that in your state. In some states the marriage license only allows for the changing of the last name, not the middle name.
If you don't change your name definitely have a conversation about what you will name the kids. Hyphenating kid's names can be a huge pain. I used to work at an after school program and several of the kids had hyphenated names. The first name tended to be the mother's and the second the father's. I would see the first part get dropped all the time. So Billy Smith-Jones would end up being called Billy Jones. When parents picked up their kids they had to sign them out. They were listed by alphabetical order in the sign out book (each kid had their own page). Going back to my example Billy Smith-Jones would be filed under "S" since his last name started with "S". The child's own parents (especially Mr. Jones) would look for the child under "J" and would want to know why he was filed under "S". Um, because you gave your child the name Smith-Jones so the first letter of his last name is "S". I also wonder what would happen if one these kids married another hyphenated name. Would the next generation be White-Brown-Smith-Jones?
That does sound confusing. However, I think that when that generation of kids grew up enough to be planning kids of their own, they would be in a position to have an adult conversation about what to name those kids. It just seems silly to consider what the names of hypothetical grandchildren would be when deciding whether or not to change your name after your wedding. I think hyphenating is a great way to represent two families. If the biggest challenge is that a teacher is a little confused about a child's name- well that doesn't seem like it should be a main consideration at all, and seems easily remedied if the teacher just asks the parents or child what is preferred.
If that is the argument for giving a child 2 last names then it would also be the argument for giving the next generation four last names. And I actually meant that last bit as a joke.
Also, I was not confused about what the child's name was. It was very clear what the child's name was on the paper work the parents filled out. If they wanted the child's last name to be listed as Jones then they should have named him Jones.
I'm sorry if that came off as snarky, I didn't mean to imply that you couldn't figure out hyphens. I just don't think that concerns about how other people feel or think should affect a couple's decision on what to do with their and their children's names. If they want to hyphenate- great. Yes some kids get tired of it, but some don't. They can decide when they're older if they want to change their names, just go by one, etc. and what to do about their own kids names one day. It seems like each of the situations you've described have been worked out by the person with the hyphenated name. So I guess I just don't see the big inconvenience. The parents get to make the decision that's right for them, and at a later time the child gets to make the same decision.
I think I like the idea of putting my maiden as my new middle name and taking my husbands last name. I always knew I'd want to take my husbands name but its nice to keep your old name too without hyphenating. I have a common middle name that I dont feel a particular connection with, so I don't mind dropping it. My problem is that someone else in my field has my first name and my future married last name! Hope she doesn't mind me stealing her name!
Make sure you can legally do that in your state. In some states the marriage license only allows for the changing of the last name, not the middle name.
Although you can always actually legally change your name, unrelated to marriage.
I'm going to add something that many PPs haven't mentioned: using his credit cards. Where I work, your ID must match the last name on the credit card (prefer the whole name, but at least the last name). If you wanted to use his card for something, and you go by your maiden name, I wouldn't be able to accept it.
This being said, I'm having a big struggle myself in whether or not to change. I love my FI's family, love the name and how its shorter, easier to say and sounds good with my name, but I loved my father dearly and my whole family. So do what makes you feel good, and if you get an account you both may use, get your own cards
I'm sorry, but this is ridiculously dumb. So at your place of work, I could walk in and use a credit card belonging to my brother, my father (or my FIL, had I taken H's name), my ex-husband (had I married, taken a guy's name, and then divorced), or any Joe Schmoe with my same last name?
Seriously. In this day and age especially, last names just don't automatically denote marriage. Two people can share a last name without being married just as easily and validly as two people can be married and not share a name.
ETA: And if I were in a same-sex marriage and we shared a common name, would your company let me use my partner's credit card? Or would the company assume we were sisters or cousins? Way, way too many assumptions going on for this to be a legit way of doing business.
If you don't change your name definitely have a conversation about what you will name the kids. Hyphenating kid's names can be a huge pain. I used to work at an after school program and several of the kids had hyphenated names. The first name tended to be the mother's and the second the father's. I would see the first part get dropped all the time. So Billy Smith-Jones would end up being called Billy Jones. When parents picked up their kids they had to sign them out. They were listed by alphabetical order in the sign out book (each kid had their own page). Going back to my example Billy Smith-Jones would be filed under "S" since his last name started with "S". The child's own parents (especially Mr. Jones) would look for the child under "J" and would want to know why he was filed under "S". Um, because you gave your child the name Smith-Jones so the first letter of his last name is "S". I also wonder what would happen if one these kids married another hyphenated name. Would the next generation be White-Brown-Smith-Jones?
That does sound confusing. However, I think that when that generation of kids grew up enough to be planning kids of their own, they would be in a position to have an adult conversation about what to name those kids. It just seems silly to consider what the names of hypothetical grandchildren would be when deciding whether or not to change your name after your wedding. I think hyphenating is a great way to represent two families. If the biggest challenge is that a teacher is a little confused about a child's name- well that doesn't seem like it should be a main consideration at all, and seems easily remedied if the teacher just asks the parents or child what is preferred.
If that is the argument for giving a child 2 last names then it would also be the argument for giving the next generation four last names. And I actually meant that last bit as a joke.
Also, I was not confused about what the child's name was. It was very clear what the child's name was on the paper work the parents filled out. If they wanted the child's last name to be listed as Jones then they should have named him Jones.
I'm sorry if that came off as snarky, I didn't mean to imply that you couldn't figure out hyphens. I just don't think that concerns about how other people feel or think should affect a couple's decision on what to do with their and their children's names. If they want to hyphenate- great. Yes some kids get tired of it, but some don't. They can decide when they're older if they want to change their names, just go by one, etc. and what to do about their own kids names one day. It seems like each of the situations you've described have been worked out by the person with the hyphenated name. So I guess I just don't see the big inconvenience. The parents get to make the decision that's right for them, and at a later time the child gets to make the same decision.
I wasn't saying don't do it. I was just pointing out some things to take into consideration when making the decision.
Also, I've heard from some people that entering a hyphenated name on a computer form can be a problem. That is a practical consideration.
What they do in a lot of Hispanic countries, where women typically do not take their husband's name, is this: Mary Smith-Jones marries John Brown-Roberts. Their children are Susan and Billy Jones-Roberts. Billy marries Diane Patrick-Lee. Their children have the last name Lee-Roberts.
It makes tracking geneology So. Much. Easier. And it makes sense without having 18 billion names.
I will probably be changing my last name. I was hesitant, but only because I like my last name even if no one says it right.
We are going to give my maiden name as a middle name to one of our kids, a boy if we have one. The initial happens to fit an initials tradition my FI wants to continue, so it works out.
I respect anyone who wants to keep their maiden name, but honestly I don't understand the "losing yourself" argument against it. I could change my entire name tomorrow, but I would still be me.
@clueclaw Honestly, the concept that it's not a big deal is one that's constantly used to invalidate women who don't want to change their names (not saying HEY stop invalidating me! This is a general observation, not specifically a thing about you personally). There's this idea that, well, it's just a name, it's not like you're changing who you are, why is it such a big deal?
But at the same time, a lot of women are pressured extensively, often but not always subtly, to change their names. From, "Don't you want the same last name as your kids?" to, "Well, you'll go by Mrs. Hislast, won't you?" and even just asking, "Oh, why not?" people subtly put pressure on women to change their last names after marriage. We talk about how important it is to our fiances or husbands (or parents or in-laws) that we change our names, or we say how our fiances/husbands "are okay" with us keeping our names, as if it's not entirely our choice, or how other people's opinions have to come into play about our names.
And when you add in the extremely high percentage of women who change their last names after marriage, and the extremely low number of men who change theirs, you end up concluding: it must be a big deal.
Because if it weren't such a big deal, we'd see more men changing their last names, we'd see more people picking new last names together, as a family, and we wouldn't be asking people to defend their choices.
Re: Pros and Cons of Name Changing
I am also not changing my name. I've built a good repuation in my field over the last couple of years, and I don't want to lose that network because people don't recognize my name on something. There are also work-related hurdles to changing my name that aren't really worth the time to figure out.
Earlier in my life (even through college), I was very sure I'd change my name to match my husband's. My family is very traditional, and it would be expected. However, I attach a lot of meaning to names, and I'm very proud of my heritage (which is tied closely with my last name). My fiance's last name is linked to a culture and religion I don't share, and it doesn't fit me at all. I've agreed to let our kids have his last name, but they are definitely going to be taught about my heritage. I have only sisters (and one already changed her name), so this is the last generation of our family name.
I am changing my last name to FI's. I was initially against it, because I LOVE my maiden name.
Also...my initials match my mother's: "ABC". But then I realized my initials would match my mother's MAIDEN initials once I got married: "ABD". Aw...
- Appease traditional relatives
- Experience a big, tangible change to go along with a more intangible change
- Buy cute signs for your yard that say "The Johnsons" or whatever
- Share a name with all family members (if applicable. You can do this by other means too.)
- By embracing the "default" option (in the US anyway) avoid having to explain your choice to everyone who's nosy
Pros of keeping:
- Buck tradition and start the slow process of making the choice more normal in our society
- Keep professional continuity
- Retain what is to many an important part of yourself
- Keep your email address (if applicable)
- Avoid a bunch of paperwork
I'm keeping mine. A big part of the reason (despite the above) is because my mom kept hers and made me realize it was an option, and I want to do the same for my potential kids. And the whole double standard really gets my goat.
In my gut, I want to stay who I am. I feel bad because I know DH would like me to change it, but as of this moment, I'm keeping my name.
Yup, it's definitely a double standard. DH is traditional and would prefer I change my name, but he respects my decision. Oh the joys of the patriarchy!
It makes tracking geneology So. Much. Easier. And it makes sense without having 18 billion names.