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The dreaded "gap"

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Re: The dreaded "gap"

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    KarlaJudithZKarlaJudithZ member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    mrsgeoffreymartin said:
    Ya'll are bunch of bridezilla bullies. Ladies, put down your Emily Posts- there is life after wedding. @courtneyandjohn2014‌, congrats on you upcoming nuptials. Your guests love you, and are coming to support and celebrate your new chapter of life, gap or not.
    OHMYGOD!! Seriously though! Everyone freaks out about all these crazy little details. Every time I've posted on here everyone has attacked me and mentioned how at THEIR weddings it was perfect and polite and proper and all these things that fits the mold of a perfect wedding.

    Why is everyone so aggressive on this board? A bride asks a question cause she needs help and here come the wedding police "GAPS BETWEEN CEREMONIES IS SELFISH! YOU'RE A TERRIBLE PLANNER!!"  Geeze. Can we lighten up a bit?


    Anyways, I think at the end of the day what we really need to realize is that the wedding isn't for your guests, it's for you and your fiance. I think everyone gets so caught up in "we have to entertain them, we have to feed them perfect food, we have to decorate so they think it's nice, blah blah blah..." that they forget about the important part. I feel like accommodating guests is what makes weddings so stressful. I'm getting married in October, and I've finally realized that my wedding is incredibly personal and intimate to me. The people I am inviting aren't doing me a favor by showing up, I'm allowing them the honor of witnessing an important moment in my life.

    Granted, I want everyone to enjoy themselves and I don't want them to be inconvenienced but I'm not gonna freak out if my party favors aren't chic and trendy and clever. I'm also not gonna freak out if my scheduled timeline doesn't go perfect. As long as I'm married and they're happy for me, I'll be happy.


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    KarlaJudithZKarlaJudithZ member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Jen4948 said:
    Ok, all you new posters: Gaps are inconsiderate and rude. Let me repeat that: Gaps are inconsiderate and rude. It doesn't matter if you announce it in advance to your guests or if you have other hospitality planned for several hours. The reception needs to begin as soon as the ceremony is over. That means that hospitality, in the form of a cocktail hour or something similar, has to be provided while any photography shoots for the couple, their families, and wedding party members taking place between the ceremony is going on, and the couple and wedding party have to immediately join the other guests as soon as the photo shoots are over. There is no justification for keeping guests waiting for you: Catholic/venue scheduling, "gaps are expected," "gaps are not rude," "guests can't all be at the ceremony," "regional/cultural," "It's your day/do what you want/it's our dream wedding," or whatever else you come up with don't make gaps acceptable. We've heard it all, and sorry, but none of it changes etiquette or our opinions. If that's what you're looking to do, you're barking up the wrong tree.

    Alright wedding police.....
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    Nuri1982Nuri1982 member
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    I'm shocked by how much judgment there is in the responses to this post. It is truly cringe worthy to imply that someone is rude, inconsiderate, self-centered and childish because of a minor scheduling issue. Is it not possible to help this fellow bride come up with a solution for her issue without showing your moral superiority? 

    Sometimes gaps can't be helped sometimes they can. Don't let the etiquette nazis make you feel bad because your mass has to be at a certain time, you already booked a reception space, and you don't want to eat dinner in the afternoon. We are not talking about a gap of 4 hours here and everything will run longer the day of...everything. So you may not have as big of a gap as you thought. What matters is the flow of events for the guest. If you can move things around so there is not gap, super. The Etiquette Gods are appeased and if not, I would urge out of town guests to check in the day before if possible or talk to the hotel about early check in. If you are holding your reception there and booking rooms they want to make you happy and they may be able to open the rooms early. Also tell them you have a gap. If this is something they do often them may have ideas for filling the time. 

    What about planing an alternative mini-event before the cocktail hour? This could be something that your parents or a member of the wedding party could be in charge of. Are there any museums, gardens or interesting sites near by? Buy a block of tickets and have them take a special museum tour in the mean time. How formal is your wedding? Could your Best Man organize some lawn games as ice breakers to get everyone in the mood? If there are kids coming maybe direct the couples with kids to a park so the little ones can get their wiggles out before the not so fun for kids cocktail hour (add some orange slices, crowns, fairy wings and magic wands and you got a happy kids). You could even give your guests the options of several different things and now your problem has become an event were you can showcase stuff you love or the place where you are getting married.

    In my experience people are understanding of gaps as long as they don't feel forgotten. If you have a wedding website mention it and use that space to explain. These are your friends and family they love you and if they are going to throw a fit about a 45 minute gap, why are they at your wedding? Make sure they know, suggest alternative things to do in the time frame or plan a mini event and your guests will understand and enjoy your wedding. 
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    Jsmith262Jsmith262 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Maggie0829 said:
    nico5923 said:
    I'm thinking many of these people aren't considering that it's Catholic wedding. You almost always have to have the ceremony around 2:00 in order to have everyone out in time for 4:00 pm Mass. It seems ridiculous to have the reception or even a cocktail hour start immediately after that. Plus, if you're doing the traditional thing of having the groom not see the bride until after the ceremony, then you have to have a gap between in order to take pictures in between. The wedding day is for the bride and groom. They get to do what they want. I really don't think it's an inconvenience to have a gap between the ceremony and reception. In fact, I don't ever think I've been to a wedding where there wasn't a gap in between. Go wander the town. You'll survive for an hour on your own. 
    Nope, I didn't forget that it is about a Catholic wedding.  When you decide to have a Catholic wedding in a church you also have to come to the realization that your night time reception may not be possible.  Be a big girl and/or boy and know that you have to make compromises in life, even on your super special day.

    Maggie, OMG I totally didn't realize you are the rule maker for weddings?! I'm going to need to see some certifications from you before I actually take into consideration the garbage that's coming out of your mouth...

    You are seriously a NIGHTMARE!!! Be quiet already and stop stomping on others' big days, geez.

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    erineileenerineileen member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    do whatever makes you happy. It's YOUR day. what others want to do on their wedding day is their choice. The people who matter most to you (ie the people being invited to the wedding) will understand why your times are the way they are. At the end of the day everyone will have a great time, gap or not!
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    JuliaWest71JuliaWest71 member
    First Comment

    I honestly don't see what the big deal is here. If you have a ceremony at 2p that goes until 3:15 or 3:30 and another 15 - 20 minutes to reception venue, which also happens to be where most people are staying, and there's a bar for people to grab a quick drink if they want, or check in, or drop their bags, or freshen up, or do whatever they want to do, that is the least of your worries on your wedding day. You're really talking about 30 - 45 minutes where guests don't have something specific to do. I have been to weddings like this one (once as a guest, once as a bridesmaid) and it was totally fine to have this gap. It was actually better because as a guest, I really did need to check into my hotel (and to those of you that suggested this, I would not have wanted to do it drunk at 11pm) and as a bridesmaid, I was involved in photos and didn't feel like I missed the entire cocktail hour because we were taking photos.

    I would have an issue if you were talking about a 4 hours gap (yes, I've seen that too), but 45 minutes? Come on... It's fine.

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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    KarlaJudithZ said:
    mrsgeoffreymartin said:
    Ya'll are bunch of bridezilla bullies. Ladies, put down your Emily Posts- there is life after wedding. @courtneyandjohn2014‌, congrats on you upcoming nuptials. Your guests love you, and are coming to support and celebrate your new chapter of life, gap or not.
    OHMYGOD!! Seriously though! Everyone freaks out about all these crazy little details. Every time I've posted on here everyone has attacked me and mentioned how at THEIR weddings it was perfect and polite and proper and all these things that fits the mold of a perfect wedding.

    Why is everyone so aggressive on this board? A bride asks a question cause she needs help and here come the wedding police "GAPS BETWEEN CEREMONIES IS SELFISH! YOU'RE A TERRIBLE PLANNER!!"  Geeze. Can we lighten up a bit?


    Anyways, I think at the end of the day what we really need to realize is that the wedding isn't for your guests, it's for you and your fiance. I think everyone gets so caught up in "we have to entertain them, we have to feed them perfect food, we have to decorate so they think it's nice, blah blah blah..." that they forget about the important part. I feel like accommodating guests is what makes weddings so stressful. I'm getting married in October, and I've finally realized that my wedding is incredibly personal and intimate to me. The people I am inviting aren't doing me a favor by showing up, I'm allowing them the honor of witnessing an important moment in my life.

    Granted, I want everyone to enjoy themselves and I don't want them to be inconvenienced but I'm not gonna freak out if my party favors aren't chic and trendy and clever. I'm also not gonna freak out if my scheduled timeline doesn't go perfect. As long as I'm married and they're happy for me, I'll be happy.


    Because the question has been brought up numerous times, and anyone who took the trouble to lurk would have found out, repeatedly, that gaps are rude.  Individual circumstances of "not minding it" don't make it polite.  We get sick and tired of people repeatedly coming out with "it's your wedding, do whatever makes you happy, nobody counts except the couple" attitudes.  

    Sorry, but no matter how you slice it, gaps are rude, inconsiderate, and avoidable.  Nothing justifies them: not the desire to have an evening reception even if the ceremony venue is not available immediately before the reception start time, family, cultural or regional "traditions," or "it's my day." The purpose of a reception is to receive the guests who attended the wedding, not for the bride and groom to showcase and stroke their egos at the guests' expense.
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    Butterflyz419Butterflyz419 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Maggie, the Reception is the party. The Ceremony is just that, a ceremony. It is the reason for the party. We're not starting a party and then kicking people out for two hours. We're having a WEDDING and then inviting people to a party in honor of that wedding. But you sound like one of those people who think that the party is the reason for the day and not the ceremony.
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    ckrause2ckrause2 member
    First Comment
    I'm surprised at how many people are against this. I personally would MUCH rather be able to check into the hotel and have some time to do whatever I want weather that is rest, freshen up, grab a snack, or catch up with a select group of people. The idea of extended the cocktail hour would be way less enjoyable to me where you feel like you have to be there but are really just hanging around longer than necessary, at least with a gap you can choose what you would like to do for the extra time. Just my personal opinion as a guest to weddings that have done both.
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    KarlaJudithZKarlaJudithZ member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    I love how everyone is also suggesting cocktail hours and all kind of stuff. Can we be considerate to the fact that not everyone has the money to pay for a ceremony, a cocktail hour and a reception and all the other crazy things you guys are suggesting?

    I hate this board. Everyone is rude.

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    Poltalian16Poltalian16 member
    First Comment
    I'm just putting my 2-cents here and most of you might stone me for it, but I need to say something. To the bride who posted this. I think what you have is OK. My wedding has a gap just like yours. And despite what others think, I find your planning fairly effective given your circumstances. My reception is a 15-20 min drive away as well. However, I have it located by the shore and as my wedding is in the middle of August, it is still a very busy time and traffic is horrid. This has caused my 15-20 min commute time to extend as much as 45 min to an hour. Also, after the reception time was made. My church had to inform me that my ceremony time had to be pushed up almost an hour. So at this time I have almost a 2-hour gap between the end of my ceremony and the reception. Now I have seen on TV and online some brides have a game set aside for her guests to kill the gap like a scavenger hunt to all of their key locations ( where they met, the proposal etc.). Its your wedding. You can't please everybody. Ive done all I can to make my guests comfortable but I can't control some things like the weather and the exact schedule. Neither can you. You should be happy. I'm sure if your guests know you well enough than they will be more than understanding and simply appreciate all the effort you put into their stay. You got a venue where they can simply go upstairs and sleep and not have to worry of who's got designated driver duty. And believe it or not, some relatives will enjoy the extra time to catch up with each other if this is one of those far and few get togethers that come in your family. You will also appreciate the extra time as well to reflect on your big day with your new husband. And if you finish early, you can get something to eat at the cocktail hour before the reception and get some of the required socializing out of the way so you can actually eat your dinner and have fun. My sister had everything planned so there was hardly a gap after her wedding. She scrambled through the pictures and barely ate anything at the reception because of the constant meet and greets. She never had her wedding cake ( groom smushed it into her face instead of feeding her). So, yeah, it may seem slightly selfish. But its your day. You've got to be happy on your one day. Give yourself and your guests a little breathing space. If they're not patient enough to wait out the time frame to eat they can go get a burger at Mickey D's.
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    kedonnkedonn member
    First Comment
    A gap is not rude at all! Having been to many Catholic weddings it is almost always the circumstance that there is a gap between the ceremony and the reception. This is usually due to the fact that you work on the Church's schedule and they don't really considering reception venues timings when making their mass schedules! First- you need to take your pictures! I know a lot of people do this before the wedding but most Catholic couples do this afterward because it tends to be more traditional, plus you probably want pictures at your venue and not just at the church even if you do those beforehand. Second- People need time to get to the next location and for the receiving line to wrap up. Third- I have been to many Catholic weddings where people do not wear the same outfit to the ceremony and the reception. A lot of times people will wear conservative church attire for the ceremony and then change into their cocktail attire afterwards. Lastly- any of your guests that think it is rude or unacceptable to have to kill an hour or two between your ceremony and your reception don't seem to have you and your big day first in their mind. It's your wedding, if you need a gap, take the gap and enjoy the day. The people that want to be there for you won't care about having to wait.
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    yellowbeetle77yellowbeetle77 member
    First Comment

    I am in the EXACT same situation - Catholic Ceremony starting at 2 pm and done hopefully around 3 pm. Pictures with family and some friends outside the church (assuming to leave for formal pictures with bridal party around 3:45 pm) and then reception starting cocktail hour at 5 pm. Our venue is about 15 minutes from Church as well and Hotel wont allow check in before 3 so those guests do need that time. Besides - its reall only about a 40 minute break when you include drive time and such. Then you serve dinner at 6 pm and can go until 10/11 that night.

    I think people will appreciate the NO RUSH of it all and then you have a good atmosphere to get the party started!

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    KarlaJudithZKarlaJudithZ member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    This is why the wedding industry makes billions of money and divorce rate is so high.

    If on your wedding day your biggest problem was "I have to be a good host," then I feel awful for your husbands. Please apologize to them for me on your behalf because that's embarassing.
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    jdluvr06jdluvr06 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    MagicInk said:
    ckel24 said:
    KarlaJudithZ said:
    mrsgeoffreymartin said:
    Ya'll are bunch of bridezilla bullies. Ladies, put down your Emily Posts- there is life after wedding. @courtneyandjohn2014‌, congrats on you upcoming nuptials. Your guests love you, and are coming to support and celebrate your new chapter of life, gap or not.
    OHMYGOD!! Seriously though! Everyone freaks out about all these crazy little details. Every time I've posted on here everyone has attacked me and mentioned how at THEIR weddings it was perfect and polite and proper and all these things that fits the mold of a perfect wedding.

    Why is everyone so aggressive on this board? A bride asks a question cause she needs help and here come the wedding police "GAPS BETWEEN CEREMONIES IS SELFISH! YOU'RE A TERRIBLE PLANNER!!"  Geeze. Can we lighten up a bit?


    Anyways, I think at the end of the day what we really need to realize is that the wedding isn't for your guests, it's for you and your fiance. I think everyone gets so caught up in "we have to entertain them, we have to feed them perfect food, we have to decorate so they think it's nice, blah blah blah..." that they forget about the important part. I feel like accommodating guests is what makes weddings so stressful. I'm getting married in October, and I've finally realized that my wedding is incredibly personal and intimate to me. The people I am inviting aren't doing me a favor by showing up, I'm allowing them the honor of witnessing an important moment in my life.

    Granted, I want everyone to enjoy themselves and I don't want them to be inconvenienced but I'm not gonna freak out if my party favors aren't chic and trendy and clever. I'm also not gonna freak out if my scheduled timeline doesn't go perfect. As long as I'm married and they're happy for me, I'll be happy.


    That right there is about the most self-entitled, spoiled brat thing I've ever heard on this site.
    I've been to a wedding like that. It fucking sucked.

    I can't believe I didn't see that before. No no no no no no no no no no. They are doing you a favor. A big one. I've said before but I'm going to say it again because this is my biggest pet peeve. It is never an honor to be invited to a wedding, in general it is a hassle. The couple are the ones who should feel honored that people are taking time out of their lives, spending money buying gifts, outfits, travel expenses, ect to go to your wedding. Do you honestly think that these people have nothing better to do with their time and money? Because news flash! They do. The only people at your wedding who feel like it is a big deal are the couple and possibly their parents. That is it.
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    KarlaJudithZKarlaJudithZ member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment

    KarlaJudithZ said:
    This is why the wedding industry makes billions of money and divorce rate is so high.

    If on your wedding day your biggest problem was "I have to be a good host," then I feel awful for your husbands. Please apologize to them for me on your behalf because that's embarassing.
    Seriously though, I feel bad for your fiances.
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