Paging @Phira

loves2shop4shoes · June 2014

@Phira, I was wondering how things are going with you and your FI? What's the news?

phira · June 2014

Hey, thanks for checking in on me!

Things are better. We've put wedding planning mostly on hold for the time being. Not like, "Can't talk about it EVARRR," but we're not actively planning anything, and it's making me feel a little better.

I started therapy last week and I'm still working through the intake process. Meanwhile, because of a really, really weird snafu, our therapy session with our couples therapist was canceled last week, and we're seeing her tomorrow instead. I'm anxious, though; she's about to go on maternity leave, and so we won't be able to start seeing her regularly until the end of August. And then, depending on her schedule and my schedule (which I won't know until August), she might not have any available times for us.

I would like feedback, if possible, about what you folks suggest we do about our therapy situation. For a LOT of reasons, we'd prefer not to find a new therapist (reasons = scheduling, location, personality, and, most important of all, insurance). If we do seek out a new therapist, we likely won't be able to find someone and start sessions right away, and so we might end up waiting till the end of August/beginning of September to start anyway.

The beginning of September is our "deadline" in terms of postponing the wedding; we can only delay the invitations for so long. So I'm just anxious that we won't really be able to get into a good groove with couples therapy before the invitations go out, regardless of whether or not we stick with our current therapist or find a new one.

Day to day, things have been better. J had insisted that we go to his family's father's day cookout and not leave early to go to a dinner that my family was hosting (all the typical J-anxiety reasons: his dad's feelings would be hurt, his family would think it was rude that we left early, I don't "have a dad" anyway), and then felt SUPER guilty about it. I think I might bring it up with him tonight--while things worked out as well as they could have yesterday (his parents were late, so leaving early would have been a bad idea; my family's event ended up being really dull), in the future, we need to be better about splitting holidays and dealing with conflicting family events.

He hasn't been out late since our fights a couple weeks ago, although when he has been out, he's texted me letting me know when he'll be home. So that's an improvement; hopefully it'll continue. The next big conflicting family stuff won't be until Christmas, though, so ... no idea if he'll throw the same hissy fit he threw two years ago (he refused to ask anyone for a ride from his parents' house to a T stop so we could go to my family's Christmas dinner--which started hours after his family's--so we had to beg a ride off of his brother at the last minute).

loves2shop4shoes · June 2014

@Phira, what insurance do you have? Have you looked into the Danielsen Institute? It's right on Bay State Road and caters to BU students. I also saw Wendy Jolles briefly, before our move to Chicago, and she is AMAZING. She's right on Washington Street, between BC and BU. Idk if she takes your insurance, but it's worth a try.

You definitely need couples therapy before you make any decisions about whether to move forward with the wedding. And if you can't find a therapist by September, then you should probably postpone it by default.

You sound like you're still having some issues, and frankly, my jaw hit the floor when I read the bit about him not wanting to do your family's Father's Day because "you don't have a dad anyway." Um, excuse me? It seems like he's ok being late to, or missing, your family's events so that you can consistently attend his family's events. That doesn't seem equitable.

GoldenPenguin · June 2014

Echoing what Shoes said, I think it's imperative for you to find another therapist. You should be able to go through your insurance to find someone that accepts it - I had a SUPER hard insurance at my last job, but I knew that therapy was necessary, so I found one. If it's this important to do anything you can to find another therapist - you live in a big enough area that there HAS to be another option.

phira · June 2014

I'm actually doing individual counseling at the Danielsen Institute! I work on Cummington, so it's unbelievably convenient. It took two months to get an appointment, though, and I'm only just starting intake appointments now. I have no idea how much they're going to charge me either. I currently have the BU student insurance (although the better version of it).

The Fathers' Day thing was really irritating for a lot of reasons. It ended up being best that we planned to stay at his family's event the whole time. We showed up on time, but most of the family didn't show up for a good 30-45 minutes, and my future parents-in-law were an hour late (J's dad injured his back last week, and his mom kept running out of ingredients while making dessert). And my family's dinner (which was not officially a Fathers' Day thing) ended up running pretty short and being really unfun, so if we had left early from J's family event and gotten to my family's event a bit late, we still would have missed almost all of it and it wouldn't have been worth it anyway.

The reasons WHY we "couldn't" make both events, though, are still not okay reasons for me. While we were walking home from our aborted couples therapy appointment last week, we talked about it. I made it clear--just like I had when I first brought it up!--that I was obviously okay with prioritizing his family's Fathers' Day thing over my family's dinner. But that I was not okay with the whole, "WE CAN'T LEAVE EARLY" bullshit, and since I don't see my family nearly as often as he sees his, and since my family so rarely has events in Boston/Brookline (usually we're out in the 'burbs and J and I have to get a ride), there's less of an excuse for missing my family's events when we can get to them easily.

leia1979 · June 2014

I agree with PP and wouldn't wait until August for your therapist to come back from leave. She must have a few people she could refer you to because she will have made arrangements for others to cover while she's out. I think sooner is way better in this case.

I'm glad some things are better, but he still prioritizes his own family way above you or your family, and that isn't fair.

Swazzle · June 2014

phira said:

Hey, thanks for checking in on me!

Things are better. We've put wedding planning mostly on hold for the time being. Not like, "Can't talk about it EVARRR," but we're not actively planning anything, and it's making me feel a little better.

I started therapy last week and I'm still working through the intake process. Meanwhile, because of a really, really weird snafu, our therapy session with our couples therapist was canceled last week, and we're seeing her tomorrow instead. I'm anxious, though; she's about to go on maternity leave, and so we won't be able to start seeing her regularly until the end of August. And then, depending on her schedule and my schedule (which I won't know until August), she might not have any available times for us.

I would like feedback, if possible, about what you folks suggest we do about our therapy situation. For a LOT of reasons, we'd prefer not to find a new therapist (reasons = scheduling, location, personality, and, most important of all, insurance). If we do seek out a new therapist, we likely won't be able to find someone and start sessions right away, and so we might end up waiting till the end of August/beginning of September to start anyway.

The beginning of September is our "deadline" in terms of postponing the wedding; we can only delay the invitations for so long. So I'm just anxious that we won't really be able to get into a good groove with couples therapy before the invitations go out, regardless of whether or not we stick with our current therapist or find a new one.

Day to day, things have been better. J had insisted that we go to his family's father's day cookout and not leave early to go to a dinner that my family was hosting (all the typical J-anxiety reasons: his dad's feelings would be hurt, his family would think it was rude that we left early, I don't "have a dad" anyway), and then felt SUPER guilty about it. I think I might bring it up with him tonight--while things worked out as well as they could have yesterday (his parents were late, so leaving early would have been a bad idea; my family's event ended up being really dull), in the future, we need to be better about splitting holidays and dealing with conflicting family events.

He hasn't been out late since our fights a couple weeks ago, although when he has been out, he's texted me letting me know when he'll be home. So that's an improvement; hopefully it'll continue. The next big conflicting family stuff won't be until Christmas, though, so ... no idea if he'll throw the same hissy fit he threw two years ago (he refused to ask anyone for a ride from his parents' house to a T stop so we could go to my family's Christmas dinner--which started hours after his family's--so we had to beg a ride off of his brother at the last minute).

I can really not get over this part (most of the rest of it, too, but this part just WOW).

Oh my god, it makes me so angry for you.

cu97tiger · June 2014

@phira - for someone who refers to their SO as their partner, yours sounds like anything but a partner. That might sound harsh, but while you're saying now that reasons for NOT being able to make both events is not ok with you, you didn't stick up for yourself, or your right to spend time with your family.

1) Find a new couples therapist STAT, or postpone the wedding. I cannot imagine saying vows with something like these issues hanging over my head.

I just can't continue. There are so many red flags here that I just want to shake you, @phira. And I mean that because I care about what happens to you. This man may have anxiety, but he is also manipulative. At the very least, he should be willing to seek counseling to help fix things between you.

GoldenPenguin · June 2014

cu97tiger said:

@phira - for someone who refers to their SO as their partner, yours sounds like anything but a partner. That might sound harsh, but while you're saying now that reasons for NOT being able to make both events is not ok with you, you didn't stick up for yourself, or your right to spend time with your family.

1) Find a new couples therapist STAT, or postpone the wedding. I cannot imagine saying vows with something like these issues hanging over my head.

I just can't continue. There are so many red flags here that I just want to shake you, @phira. And I mean that because I care about what happens to you. This man may have anxiety, but he is also manipulative. At the very least, he should be willing to seek counseling to help fix things between you.

QFT.

lennonkdc · June 2014

Yeah, J's comments aren't ok, and I think in your gut you know that. Its one thing to not be overjoyed at the prospect of spending time with a SO's family. FI and I had the same issues early on and I basically told him to suck it up, and he has. Being an adult means doing things you don't always want to do. I'm even more appalled that J's family is so chronically, disrespectfully late. There are a lot of red flags here and I hope you guys get the help you need to address them.

eilis1228 · June 2014

The whole "You don't have a father" bit INFURIATES me! That's beyond rude and derogatory, and if BF had said that to me, I would have slapped him. To me, and of course I'm an internet stranger who has only heard updates from you, it sounds like he doesn't consider you to be his equal, and he definitely doesn't consider your family to be his family. For me, that's a huge issue. Family events and holidays are always tricky when you're in a serious relationship, but he doesn't seem to even be trying to compromise with you or focus on your family.

I agree with the others about finding a therapist ASAP. I don't think you'd have enough time to see any progress by the time your current therapist comes back from maternity leave.

I really hope things improve for you guys! *hugs*

evadorrough · June 2014

phira said:

Hey, thanks for checking in on me!

Things are better. We've put wedding planning mostly on hold for the time being. Not like, "Can't talk about it EVARRR," but we're not actively planning anything, and it's making me feel a little better.

I started therapy last week and I'm still working through the intake process. Meanwhile, because of a really, really weird snafu, our therapy session with our couples therapist was canceled last week, and we're seeing her tomorrow instead. I'm anxious, though; she's about to go on maternity leave, and so we won't be able to start seeing her regularly until the end of August. And then, depending on her schedule and my schedule (which I won't know until August), she might not have any available times for us.

I would like feedback, if possible, about what you folks suggest we do about our therapy situation. For a LOT of reasons, we'd prefer not to find a new therapist (reasons = scheduling, location, personality, and, most important of all, insurance). If we do seek out a new therapist, we likely won't be able to find someone and start sessions right away, and so we might end up waiting till the end of August/beginning of September to start anyway.

The beginning of September is our "deadline" in terms of postponing the wedding; we can only delay the invitations for so long. So I'm just anxious that we won't really be able to get into a good groove with couples therapy before the invitations go out, regardless of whether or not we stick with our current therapist or find a new one.

Day to day, things have been better. J had insisted that we go to his family's father's day cookout and not leave early to go to a dinner that my family was hosting (all the typical J-anxiety reasons: his dad's feelings would be hurt, his family would think it was rude that we left early, I don't "have a dad" anyway), and then felt SUPER guilty about it. I think I might bring it up with him tonight--while things worked out as well as they could have yesterday (his parents were late, so leaving early would have been a bad idea; my family's event ended up being really dull), in the future, we need to be better about splitting holidays and dealing with conflicting family events.

He hasn't been out late since our fights a couple weeks ago, although when he has been out, he's texted me letting me know when he'll be home. So that's an improvement; hopefully it'll continue. The next big conflicting family stuff won't be until Christmas, though, so ... no idea if he'll throw the same hissy fit he threw two years ago (he refused to ask anyone for a ride from his parents' house to a T stop so we could go to my family's Christmas dinner--which started hours after his family's--so we had to beg a ride off of his brother at the last minute).

SITB
I agree with Swazzle that the "don't have a real dad" comment is really inappropriate. You shouldn't say that to people you don't give a shit about, much less your FIANCEE. It's just cruel, and J's anxiety/other issues don't give him a license to be cruel.

Also-- just because he feels guilty about something does not give him a pass. Sure, genuine remorse helps in the process of forgiveness/moving on as a couple, but guilt doesn't get rid of the fact that he was really shitty to you.

I don't know you as well as the rest of these ladies, but you certainly deserve to be treated so much better than you are currently. Make therapy a priority, please.

doubleSS07 · June 2014

@phira when H and I were looking for couples counseling 2 years ago we tried going through insurance too and his only covered 3 sessions. We went but didn't click with the counselor. We ended up finding a place online that did it on a sliding scale based on what you could afford. Keep in mind that the counselors were graduated from school but getting in hours. Wendy was amazing though. We ended up doing both individual and couples with her and it helped her to guide us as a couple but I know some therapists don't care to do that.

I really hope that you are able to find someone or that at the very least the individual counseling you are starting helps you to see and address some of the issues in a productive way. That was a horrible thing for him to say to you whether he felt guilty about it later or not. I don't know your family history so I apologize but it seems like he is taking gut shots and that is not fair. I'm sorry that you are having to deal with all of this and make such huge choices about your relationship with the wedding looming.

KeptInStitches · June 2014

Phira, J isn't being a partner to you. I hurt so badly for you right now.

phira · June 2014

I do want to add--his family is rarely that chronically late, and his parents are almost always the first ones at any get-together (whereas everyone in my family is chronically late, so when I show up "on time," no one else is there for a good 20 minutes or more).

The comment about my dad that J made was made while J was very drunk. I left that out mostly because I don't think it's an excuse.

I think I'll talk to him about it tonight. I was waiting till we were with our therapist before I did, but it was really upsetting. We're going to see if she has someone she can refer us to while she's on maternity leave; otherwise, I will insist on finding someone else.

ETA: Right now, I feel like postponing isn't an option. Not because it really isn't an option--because it IS an option--but because ... I don't know, I can't really even articulate it. Because everything I can sort of think of feels like a terrible excuse. If that makes any sense.

cu97tiger · June 2014

@phira - the issues you are having with J are not going to just 'go away' or magically be fixed by two months with a therapist. These are deep-seated issues that the two of you need to work on TOGETHER. Putting them off for three months, then getting married two months later is going to make for a miserable marriage. I hope I'm not right, but I think you backing down from postponing is going to be something that you regret.

labro · June 2014

@phira I haven't really commented because I just feel so sad for you and I really really really want for things to work out for you and J. However, it seems to me that you're also really afraid to postpone and/or cancel your wedding. My BFF went through the same thing in her first engagement and they hadn't even booked anything yet! However, not once has she regretted breaking off the engagement. Her FI was selfish and domineering and it was all about him. Which is kind of how J is coming across to me right now. She did a lot of soul searching, broke up with the guy, and two years later met the right guy for her. They are going on two years of marriage now, have a baby, and a happy, healthy partnership and marriage. At this point in your relationship with J, I just don't see that you are getting that. Our marriage counselor has told us that sometimes bad habits/frustrations/whatever only get worse in marriage...that the true side of a person can come out because they feel "safe" within their marriage vows. Are you going to be ok with the J that feels "safe" in marriage and all of these things that are red flags now suddenly escalate because you're in a significantly binding agreement with each other?

Pepperally · June 2014

I've held off saying much as well, but I think that postponing the wedding to take the pressure off of any work you do in therapy together will help. Maybe J won't see it that way, but having a wedding sort of dangling out there while you are trying to work on things is just going to put way too much pressure on the situation. You are going to have to do wedding plans when you are just getting started with therapy, so in my mind you can't really get a break from it. Making wedding decisions while you are going to therapy just sounds like way too much for you...it was too much for me and I postponed/canceled the wedding to work on things with a clear agenda, with no pressure of a wedding.

And I do think that you bend too much for him, in general (trust me, been there, done that), and by keeping the wedding going so he doesn't see it as a break up is not helping anything. You need to be true to yourself and focus on meeting YOUR needs. How do you want to look back on planning your wedding? Shouldn't it be a happy time and reinforce why you are getting married? Is this what you envisioned when you agreed to marry him? Is this how you want to enter marriage?

phira · June 2014

I just want to remind everyone that I REALLY appreciate all of the feedback I'm getting. All of it. It can be really hard to hear a lot of these kinds of comments, but I'd so much rather get honest opinions than just have everyone be all, "Eh, I mean, we're not THERE with you so I guess we can't really say anything, sounds fine, whatever."

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do. I feel pretty optimistic that things will improve with therapy (both in terms of making the problems less problem-y, and in terms of making it easier to handle problems). But I am extremely irritated at how I was pressured into not postponing the engagement, and now I'm being pressured into not postponing the wedding. It's hard to determine how much pressure there really is, and how much is just me being stubborn and contrary.

Ollie08 · June 2014

@phira you are NOT being stubborn at all. I also agree with @pepperally that having the possibility of a wedding and the mounting pressure to make a decision before "the point of no return" is not a recipe for success. I know it's not what you want to hear, and I'm sure there are so many great things about J and your relationship that you don't share with us. But I think the one thing everyone can agree on is that moving forward with a wedding when your relationship has cracks in the foundation is a bad idea. Also I feel like postponing now is an easier pill to swallow than waiting until weeks before the wedding.

Lots of love and hugs for you through this difficult time.

cu97tiger · June 2014

@phira - I don't think it is being stubborn or contrary at all for you to have legitimate concerns about the state of your relationship. It is actually really mature and forward-thinking of you. Yes, an engagement is kind of like a train, and once it gets going, it is hard to stop. But wouldn't you rather stop it than have it go completely off the tracks?

I just want to remind you that YOU are the only one that has to agree to postponing it. I know you want to take J's feelings and thoughts into account, but if you are the one that thinks that postponing it is a good idea, then you need to do that, for yourself and for your and J's relationship. You know you will have a couple dozen NEYers here to back you up!

Pepperally · June 2014

@phira - I think that is the typical "well, I will bend for him" attitude when you say you're not sure if you're just being stubborn. NO, that means you are using your backbone and you are not used to that and how that feels. Yes, it can be hard as hell to put your foot down, but I think you are just not used to it.

phira · June 2014

Honestly, I am entirely the kind of person who will refuse to do something on principle because I someone insists that I "have" to. So even if things were totally peachy and perfect, and I was told, "Well, you CAN'T postpone your wedding," I'd be all, "O RLY?!! Just watch me!"

loves2shop4shoes · June 2014

To be honest, @phira, I don't think you're the one being stubborn or contrary.

I think your FI is very selfish, and very disrespectful. It bothers me that literally everything has to be his way. And I'll be 100% honest, because you said you appreciate the honesty, I don't think any amount of therapy is going to change that he is fundamentally selfish and disrespectful. And honestly, I think you make excuses for him, tiptoe around him, and try not to make waves, always vowing to make him understand the err of his ways later. You allowed him to dictate your engagement, even though you wanted to wait, because you didn't want to make waves. And now you're allowing him to dictate whether or not the engagement will be postponed, because you don't want to make waves.

I don't care how drunk he was, what he said to you was a low blow. It was cruel. It was unacceptable. You deserve better than that.

I don't care how annoyed he was at you, not responding to text messages, or providing an estimate of when he was coming home, was unacceptable. I also suffer from anxiety, and PTSD, and I do not use those issues as excuses to mistreat DH. I do not use my anxiety as a way to always get my way.

You're a smart girl. You are logical. You know, in your heart of hearts, that there are several things that are very, VERY wrong in your relationship. And while I applaud you trying to work through a difficult situation, there's a difference between working through a difference of opinion/outlook and working through major personality issues. Marriage won't change the fact that your FI prioritizes his family before you AND your family. Marriage won't change the fact that your FI does not treat you as an equal, or a partner. Marriage won't change that your FI gets disrespectful when he doesn't get his way. Marriage won't change that your FI manipulates you and emotionally blackmails you into doing whatever he wants. And I strongly, strongly doubt that short-term therapy is going to change these personality differences in a meaningful enough way to make this a healthy relationship.

@Phira, when you really think about all of this, do you REALLY want to marry him?

lilacck28 · June 2014

loves2shop4shoes said:

You're a smart girl. You are logical. You know, in your heart of hearts, that there are several things that are very, VERY wrong in your relationship. And while I applaud you trying to work through a difficult situation, there's a difference between working through a difference of opinion/outlook and working through major personality issues. Marriage won't change the fact that your FI prioritizes his family before you AND your family.

THIS. I can't say anything better than PP have, but the whole time I was reading this, I kept thinking "yes, relationships require occasional maintenance to keep them as happy and healthy as they can be, but not THIS MUCH work"

...especially during the beginning of a relationship, or during what is supposed to be, and often is, a pretty happy time. The amount of work that you are describing in these posts sounds to be a result of a conflict of personalities and communication styles, along with a dose of disrespect, that makes for a very rocky and potentially unhealthy relationship.

phira · June 2014

So I came home, thinking, "Okay, I'm going to talk to him about the thing he said last week about me not having a dad, and he'll be mortified that he said that, and he'll apologize, and I'll come back to NEY and be all we're gonna work it out and everyone's going to frown a bit." Boy, was I wrong.

He denies that he made that comment about me not having a dad. Like now, "I don't remember that," but flat-out, "I never said that." And then accused me of gas-lighting him when I insisted that he HAD said it and that I wasn't making it up or remembering wrong.

Based on the Fathers' Day stuff, and a conversation we had earlier today about splitting Thanksgiving and Christmas (where he commented that because I don't like Thanksgiving or Christmas, and because I'm Jewish, it wasn't fair that we had to alternate Christmas like we agreed to alternate Thanksgiving), I said that I thought that for the time being, we should stop trying to split holidays. He was really upset about that and when I asked him why, he said, "Well, you'll probably say that other people's perception shouldn't matter, but ..." and then said that it was going to be really hard for him to explain why I wasn't at Thanksgiving or Christmas.

Our therapist canceled on us for tomorrow (she's pretty much right on top of her due date) but mentioned that there was someone who'd be covering for her. J asked me what I thought about that, and I said that I'd be fine seeing the person covering her and I'd be fine finding someone else. But when he asked what we were going to do if we had to wait till August, I pointed out that we didn't actually need to wait till August or September to make the decision to postpone the wedding.

He got really upset again and started crying and I pointed out that I really wanted the decision to postpone to be something we made together, and he said he would never decide to postpone. I basically gave up at that point and decided to get some space, but before I left the room, I told him that honestly, we have serious problems, and I'm not okay marrying him while that's the case.

During that conversation, I realized the main reason why I'm having so much trouble with the decision to postpone. It's that because it's not a decision we're making together--because he's perceiving it as something I'm doing to him--I feel terrified about the consequences. I know I have the support of you amazing people, as well as my mom and my best friends. But because it's not a together-decision, and because I know that he won't be able to "fake" it being a together-decision, I'm really scared of the effect it'll have on my relationship with his family (and, obviously, my relationship with him). I really do believe that a LOT of how a relationship is perceived is based on how the couple presents the relationship. So if postponing the wedding is presented as something I'm doing to J because I don't want to marry him, then I can't see his family ever forgiving me. But if it's presented as a decision he and I are making together because we want to work out some of our conflicts before we commit, I'm less anxious about being a pariah if the postponement remains just a postponement.

CLoGreenEyes · June 2014

First...I send HUGS.

Second, while I understand why you are afraid to postpone, I feel like he is really preying on the fears you have and using it to keep you from doing what you know you need to. You have explicitly told him that postponing the wedding =/= breaking up; it's simply a chance to work out some things without the added pressure of getting married RIGHT on top of it. These issues are serious, yes, but postponement doesn't mean you've said you absolutely WON'T marry him. If he would honestly present it to his family in such a negative light and DELIBERATELY paint you as this cruel person who's actually INFLICTING damage on him, I think you can take that as further insight into his character. It would be another example of him putting them and their perceptions ahead of what is ultimately best for the two of you.

I really feel for you, girl, and I hope you will tread very carefully with this. I see a lot of similarities between your situation and that of my best friend who just got married. Not even two months after their wedding, she's saying she feels trapped, wants to separate, and wishes she'd called things off before they got married. I know that where you are, the situation already seems like it's moving full speed ahead, but if you don't take ample time to face it now, you WILL have to make up for that later. Don't let his insecurities stop you from pursuing what you know is right. It does NOT get better from here unless you do something about it NOW.

ETA: Sorry for all the caps; apparently I like EMPHASIS.

bethsmiles · June 2014

*hugs* I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. The PPs have given you great advice and I agree with everything they've said. There are clearly some serious issues going on here and while I'm hoping the best for you and J, I don't think it would be a good idea to move forward with the wedding without resolving these issues.

Swazzle · June 2014

@phira - It sounds like you're putting J's feelings first and J is putting J's feelings first. Who's putting you first?

And as it stands, you're entering into a marriage where you hope that he will change. I know you know that's something that we all have advised newbs and regs alike against doing. Are you really willing to marry J as he is now?

loves2shop4shoes · June 2014

Oh @phira. Hugs.

Now, to get to the point. I really wish you could have seen my expression as I read your last post. I was only 2 paragraphs in and had shouted "WHAT?!?" 6 times at the screen. I then continued to read, continued to be like, "WHAT?!?" and then DH came over and asked what's up. I then gave him the "THIS CAN'T BE REAL" blink. You know which one I mean.

So first, J has the nerve to say something absolutely awful to you. Then he denies that he said it? And he still has his balls attached? You're better than me.

Also, you're Jewish, so you can't alternate Christmas? Can't you think of it as vacation time that you get, regardless of if you're religiously celebrating, and alternate accordingly? If he absolutely won't agree to that for religious purposes, and his family gets Christmas EVERY year, then I'm sorry, but I think the equitable thing to do would be for your family to get Thanksgiving every year. God, are there ANY instances in which things DON'T revolve around him/his family? This is just ridiculous.

Honestly, if you feel the need to postpone the wedding, which it is sounding like you do, then I 100% agree with CLo. Him badmouthing you to his family and playing the victim would only give you further insight into his questionable character.

Honestly, I think you need to pull a "Run, Forrest, Run," and I think deep down, you know I'm right.

lilacck28 · June 2014

First you don't have a dad, so why should you get to spend time with your family around father's day, and now you're Jewish so why should you get to spend time with your family around Christmas when EVERYONE gets vacation around then??? That sounds like a severe lack of respect. Severe. I can't even... ETA: I agree with Shoes. If he gets Christmas every year, you should get Thanksgiving every year. And further, it shouldn't be you and J fighting about and being mad about that! If anything, its usually the parents/ families that make little hissy fits and then realize that you and husband are a team and have two sets of families and get over themselves.

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