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Knottie20363977 · July 2014

huskypuppy14 · July 2014

Are you paying for the vacation home? If your guests are supplementing or subsidizing the cost, you absolutely cannot tell them they can't bring booze if they want to.

However, if it's your vacation home, and you're letting everyone stay there, then of course your house your rules.

For the wedding reception, it's perfectly acceptable to have a dry wedding. How long would everyone be staying at the house?

blueskies13 said:

My fiance and I have always have similar feelings about alcohol. We are both religious, but for completely non-religious reasons; we are just not interested in drinking. We are not interested in the flavor, experience, feeling, ect. I have many friends and family members who do enjoy drinking, and I am completely okay with that. However, I am completely not okay with being around those who are intoxicated.

My fiance and I go to wineries for dinner, and eat peacefully around people drinking wine. I am completely comfortable with that, because there is nobody 'falling down drunk.' I've been in a few situations with drunk people, and it really scares me. I grew up in a household with parents who drank maybe twice a year (1-2 half glasses of red wine each) on special occasions only. Beer expired in our fridge (Yes, expired. It takes a long time for beer to expire) when we bought it for company and they left some. I have neither seen either parent drunk nor tipsy, and I am probably underexposed to it all. This is who I am, though, and my fiance is understanding of it. His family is a little more into alcohol than mine, but he has decided to stay clear of it with me. I just want to be comfortable at my wedding, and since it is MY wedding, I feel like I have a right to be comfortable.

For our wedding, we are planning a lake getaway at a vacation home for no more than 20 people. It will probably be closer to 12 people. We will spend a few nights there after we are married, with our families for fun. I plan to buy a good amount of snacks and food, (obviously all the reception food), and ask that people supplement it. I may decide to just buy it all (since our parents may end up paying for most of the wedding anyway). There will be plenty of beverages including water, pepsi (fiance's family's favorite), other pops, sweet tea, lemonade, hot chocolate, ect. I don't want people bringing their own booze, and I certainly won't be supplying it.

So the bottom line is that there will be no alcohol. My fiance agrees with me, and we won't be changing our stance. However, how do I convey this to everyone in a polite manner? I realize that some people enjoy alcoholic beverages at weddings and lake getaways, but not at mine. I would be very uncomfortable, almost to the point of tears. I just want to be happy, but I don't want to upset everyone either. I know it would not be classy to put "Dry Wedding" on the invites- but I just want to be very clear. I don't want to be stuck with a bunch of intoxicated people all weekend. Please help!

Knottie20363977 · July 2014

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CMGragain · July 2014

You are the hosts. You set the house rules.
Since your wedding is a small one, use word of mouth about the no alcohol rule before the wedding. If anyone doesn't get the word, or agree, you approach them privately and ask them to put the beer back in their car and drink it at some other time.
The same rules apply to marijuana.

gothic_fairy60 · July 2014

You are well within your rights to tell people that you do not want alcohol around. Since your guest list is small you might have guests that understand. If I was told I could stay at a lake property with someone I know and they began telling me what I can and can not bring I would side-eye them, especially if it is something legal like alcohol or cigarettes. Your guest are probably all very close to you and already know your feelings about alcohol though. Agree with CMGragain, remind people with word of mouth.

lc07 · July 2014

I'm sorry, but I seriously am side-eying this. I cannot have a glass of wine in your company without making you want to cry? Lots of people are capable of enjoying alcohol without being assholes. You sound very controlling and it stops being all about you when you invite others to attend.

AddieCake · July 2014

If you are paying for the house, then you can ask people not to bring alcohol into it. I think you're being a little dramatic, though.

pearlsofsteel · July 2014

Do what you want but I'd also try to look deeper into why you have such an issue with it because you're a bit OTT.

banana468 · July 2014

If you're paying for the home you do get to say what goes in it but I'm seriously side eyeing this. As a grown adult, I don't take well to my own parents telling me what do do. If I didn't know your rules before I agreed to stay in the home I'd probably abide by them (vs. stay somewhere else) but just as you judge the drinking, I'd judge the control - freak aspect.

Then again, I was raised that alcoholic beverages are at every event - including my child's birthday parties. Yes the are alcoholics in my family but most drinkers aren't.

STARMOON44 · July 2014

Make sure you tell people this before they commit to staying in the house, and that your plans don't require them to be in the house (ie make sure there is a hotel nearby). I would respect your house rules and not drink in your house, but I would also think you're being a ridiculous drama queen and not stay with you because a dry wedding weekend in a lake house sounds really boring to me. I've been to a dry wedding weekend before, but everyone knew the resort was dry before they booked, and lots of people stayed in nearby hotels instead.

Also- it sounds like you know people will want to drink and that they won't be happy to be told they can't, or you wouldn't even be asking this question. So planning a dry weekend away seems like a dumb idea. Why not cake and punch close to home and then you and husband go away?

[Deleted User] · July 2014

You can ask that there no alcohol since you are paying for rental. I'm assuming you have a guest or two that isn't good at controlling themselves else you probably wouldn't be so concerned about this. I agree that you should tell guests in advance that while at the home you are renting, there will be no alcohol. Would you be open to having some fun mocktails? I think it would be fun to have some fun summer drinks while sitting around at a lake, but that doesn't mean that those fun drinks have to have alcohol. Also, if someone decides that they would prefer to stay elsewhere so that they can end their day with a glass of wine, be ok with that decision too. They are respecting your wishes of no alcohol in your home but doing what will accomodate themselves too. Also be prepared on how you would deal with it if a guest does say open a glass of wine or bring some beer into the house & trying to do it in a way that doesn't cause a melt down.

BMoreBride6 · July 2014

blueskies13 said:

My fiance and I have always have similar feelings about alcohol. We are both religious, but for completely non-religious reasons; we are just not interested in drinking. We are not interested in the flavor, experience, feeling, ect. I have many friends and family members who do enjoy drinking, and I am completely okay with that. However, I am completely not okay with being around those who are intoxicated.

My fiance and I go to wineries for dinner, and eat peacefully around people drinking wine. I am completely comfortable with that, because there is nobody 'falling down drunk.' I've been in a few situations with drunk people, and it really scares me. I grew up in a household with parents who drank maybe twice a year (1-2 half glasses of red wine each) on special occasions only. Beer expired in our fridge (Yes, expired. It takes a long time for beer to expire) when we bought it for company and they left some. I have neither seen either parent drunk nor tipsy, and I am probably underexposed to it all. This is who I am, though, and my fiance is understanding of it. His family is a little more into alcohol than mine, but he has decided to stay clear of it with me. I just want to be comfortable at my wedding, and since it is MY wedding, I feel like I have a right to be comfortable.

For our wedding, we are planning a lake getaway at a vacation home for no more than 20 people. It will probably be closer to 12 people. We will spend a few nights there after we are married, with our families for fun. I plan to buy a good amount of snacks and food, (obviously all the reception food), and ask that people supplement it. I may decide to just buy it all (since our parents may end up paying for most of the wedding anyway). There will be plenty of beverages including water, pepsi (fiance's family's favorite), other pops, sweet tea, lemonade, hot chocolate, ect. I don't want people bringing their own booze, and I certainly won't be supplying it.

So the bottom line is that there will be no alcohol. My fiance agrees with me, and we won't be changing our stance. However, how do I convey this to everyone in a polite manner? I realize that some people enjoy alcoholic beverages at weddings and lake getaways, but not at mine. I would be very uncomfortable, almost to the point of tears. I just want to be happy, but I don't want to upset everyone either. I know it would not be classy to put "Dry Wedding" on the invites- but I just want to be very clear. I don't want to be stuck with a bunch of intoxicated people all weekend. Please help!

While I feel it is fine to have your wedding/reception completely dry, I'd be incredibly irritated that someone felt the need to didcate what I could and couldn't drink for 4 days. If you are only inviting 20 of your nearest and dearest, and you are so horribly uncomfortable with anyone drinking, I'm assuming none of your nearest and dearest are exactly people who get trashed. You say you don't have a problem with people drinking, but you don't want to be around intoxicated people. Then you said if anyone brought any alchohol what so ever, you'd be moved to tears. There is something strange there. Expecting people to follow the law and not become raging drunks is very different than telling them they cannot have a glass of wine with dinner.

NYCMercedes · July 2014

It's fine to say no alcohol at my house. Expect a lot of declines, however. Also, if you're the hostess, don't ask people to supplement your munchies. That's not acceptable.

jnissa · July 2014

It sounds like your wedding is small enough that this won't matter to people because they all intimately know you. I would be declining the invite because being told as an adult to go four days at a vacation destination that, while you may be paying for the house, would involve time off work and money to attend for me, without having some wine would be a deal breaker.

It's your house, your money, your rules, but you're ultimately hosting. I'd give some thought to whether this request is ultimately making your guests uncomfortable *for four days*.

offensivekitten2 · July 2014

This is one of those situations where you can be technically correct with etiquette, but also be a jerk with it.

I personally would not stay in the same house as you if you started overlording at me like this. I'm pregnant and can't drink, but I'd still avoid the hell out of sharing space with someone with such intense control issues. I mean, what other perfectly legal activity will you think you can control about my stay? Sex? What I watch on tv? What I eat and when? What activities I do? Nooooooo thank you. You can keep your 'upset bride' routine, I'm getting a hotel.

climbingsingle · July 2014

Seeing someone drink a glass of wine or a beer is going to make you cry? Seriously? I can't tell if you're a drama queen or someone that's insanely controlling or just incredibly immature.

You're well within your right to tell people no alcohol since you're paying for the whole weekend. But controlling your guests like that is something that really rubs me the wrong way. These are adults of legal drinking age, yes? Why must you demand that they not drink at all? People can enjoy a glass or two of wine without being fall down drunk.

JaxInBlue · July 2014

I really agree with PPs. Your house, your rules. That said, the way your post reads, it's wedding first, then fun-filled family weekend at the rented house. And you mentioned that you have family/friends who enjoy alcohol (and I'm assuming can do so responsibly).

Would you be open to a compromise where the house was dry until after the wedding? Say everyone gets on Friday, wedding on Saturday. During this time, no alcohol. But Sunday and Monday, after the wedding, if people want to bring in beer or wine for their own enjoyment, you do your best to go with the flow. I'd imagine you'd want to spend some private time with your new husband during that time, and I wouldn't try to control what people do in your absence.

indianaalum · July 2014

I think it's way too controlling. I don't think you can dictate what people do for 4 days Truth be told, the people who don't really drink won't drink regardless of whether you say it, and the people who feel the need to get "trashed" would just ignore you anyway even if they did agree to your face. Then what would you do? Kick them out?

I think have a dry RECEPTION as that is definitely within your right but it's fair game for the rest of the weekend.

If people are willing to spend that much money and time for your wedding, the people who normally drink are gonna want to drink

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826 · July 2014

Though life goes on if being unable to drink for 4 days, I'd side eye this as well and I have a story about it.

My brother visited me in town during vacation. He was in town for a conference/convention, and his GF did not accompany him. We drank some coolers and played Mario Party one night and life was good. He told his GF how he had a few drinks and she flipped out on him. "You only drink when I'm not around." "You're drinking because I'm stressing you out." "You'll get alcohol poisoning!!" "I depress you and that's why you're drinking!!"

No, he's an adult, and had a few coolers to relax while he was in town and you CANNOT control another adult and tell him what he can and cannot do, especially not while he is in a completely different down in the comfort of his sister's home. He wasn't even intoxicated, he was just I lost respect for her that day. I realized there was something deeper going on than just her missing my brother.

I would respect your house rules, since you are the one providing lodging, but to be so freaked out over someone not getting the memo and bringing a bottle of Chardonnay to celebrate your nuptials is an indicator of something deeper going on that you may with to address. At some point you'll have to come to terms that people socially drink, and I know you stated you can eat at a winery with no problems while people drink around you so I am unsure how this scenario is any different?

golden1215 · July 2014

For coming from such a dry upbringing (just like mine) you seem to have a very odd relationship with alcohol. I would suggest some form of counseling because there seems to be much more going on.

Such a visceral reaction to a normal, adult thing like having a glass of wine with dinner is really odd.

PrettyGirlLost · July 2014

Even before the ban on alcohol, I would not stay at the rental house with everyone; I've had several bad experiences renting beach houses with a bunch of people and I'll never do it again.

Also, I don't typically take multiple days off to attend OOT weddings unless I'm in the wedding party.

Your views on alcohol are very controlling, paranoid, and over the top. If your guests choose to stay with you, I'm sure they will abide by your rules but will be very annoyed with you.

manateehugger · July 2014

I also find such a reaction (if you aren't exaggerating) to be concerning.

I grew up in a heavily Southern Baptist area in a relatively dry home. There were a couple bottles of wine around in the house, but never beer or hard liquor (the first time my mother saw me drink a beer was at our rehearsal dinner).

However, I grew up, became an adult, and made my own determinations about alcohol. I find it odd that in your post, you gave such a detailed background of your parents' alcohol habits. You admit you are underexposed - so why would a glass of wine bring you to tears?

bmydesigner · July 2014

I'm very confused as to why just seeing someone drink could make you cry. Especially coming from your dry background. I know some people that are in fact very uncomfortable around alcohol, but that's only because they have a history of alcoholics / alcohol abuse in their family. Not trying to sound rude, but I would definitely advise to maybe seek some counseling, because I think there's a little bit more to the problem here.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

I'm chiming in to say that while it's your vacation house, your rules, I would probably find another place to stay if my drinking a glass of wine at dinner makes you cry.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

I'm sorry, but you'll cry if someone has a sip of alcohol during what is essentially an entire vacation weekend?

Sure, if you paid for everything it's your rules, but ... that's just laughable. I haven't heard anything to pearl-clutchy since an old friend sent me a 21st birthday card completely filled -inside and back - about how sick her heart felt because she knew I would be drinking.

mysticl · July 2014

The more limits you put on alcohol the more likely you are to have people try to get around them. Flasks at the reception, going out to their cars to drink, leaving the house and going to dinner without you so they can have glass of wine, etc.

Most people can go a few days without a drink. Even when I'm not pregnant I go days, even weeks between drinks. If I got to your beach house and there was no booze I wouldn't care at all. However, if I got an invite telling me I was prohibited from drinking the entire weekend, well, I'm the kind of person who would go looking or a margarita. Now my reaction would be different if I knew you or your FI were in recovery but that doesn't sound like it's the case here.

chibiyui · July 2014

I like @mysticl can go a few days to weeks without drinking and not even notice it. But 4 days without because the host will cry if I drink means I'm going to be craving wine the whole time. Especially if I knew that host ate dinners at wineries with her to be husband and had no issues with that.

I really recommend counseling as well, because somethiong isn't adding up here.

novella1186 · July 2014

That's a really rude thing to do to your guests. A dry wedding is one thing, but forcing them to take an entire dry vacation? Rude. You can't force your own lifestyle choices on everyone around you. They're adults. It's very strange that you feel the need to control the behavior of a group of adults. Being a good host means treating everyone with respect and ensuring they enjoy themselves, since they've taken the time to travel to your wedding and probably spent some amount of money on it. Not imposing a harsh list of rules that ensure they will not get to enjoy their time.

lyndausvi · July 2014

First off a dry wedding is fine.

Second - If we decided to take 4 days off (maybe more if there is travel time involved) and I have to share a house with 20 other people, I'm going to need a drink - LOL.

Since there is only 20 people I would spread the word by mouth so people can decide if they want to follow your house rules or not. Even for a free place to stay I would not spend what little vacation time we have with those rules. We would happily go to the dry wedding and spent one night, but not 4. And it's not even that we can't go 4 days without alcohol. We go many days/weeks without alcohol. But on the rare days DH gets time off we enjoys a cocktail together by the lake.

AddieCake · July 2014

I completely agree with Lynda. I can certainly attend events without alcohol, but sitting around several days at a lake house is going to get kind of boring to me. I would want to kick back and relax with a couple drinks and enjoy people's company, play cards, whatever.

Jen4948 · July 2014

You can prohibit alcohol in your house or even at your reception, but honestly, the most I would do is just not serve it. You really can't prevent them from drinking when they're not actually on your property.

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