I'm going to have to agree with everyone else here. Dry wedding, fine. Asking people to take a dry vacation and be on the verge of tears if I have a couple of glasses of wine? I would have to pass. Ain't no way I'm spending a "few days" at a place with such controlling rules (because I'm sure there are others, if you're this wound up about alcohol) with 12-20 other people. I would go mad.
Anyways, I guess to answer your question, the best you can do is not provide any alcohol, and spread by word of mouth that you expect none to be brought. And please do not ask your guests to "supplement snacks".
I have maybe one drink a month, tops. Maybe once a year I'll drink to the point where I'm certainly intoxicated and not safe to drive, but I'm certainly not rowdy, starting brawls, cussing people out, or stripping down in front of people. Because alcohol doesn't make you do that. Alcohol may make you a little more uninhibited, but isn't going to drastically alter your personality into a personality that wasn't already there lurking to begin with. I am perfectly capable of knowing my limits and behaving appropriately when drinking.
I am also one of the first ones to roll my eyes when people get huffy about dry weddings and imply they are incapable of enjoying a 6 hour social event (i.e. wedding) without imbibing in alcohol and have no problem going out to places that don't serve alcochol. AND EVEN I AM SIDE-EYEING THE HECK OUT OF THIS REQUEST. Adults don't get to tell other adults what to do. Period. I have no desire to spend time with a person who tries to control me.
Presumably, the 12-20 people are your nearest and dearest loved ones. I'll assume 2 of them will be your parents, whose drinking habits who are already aware of and are comfortable with and presumably won't suddenly change just because there is booze lying around. So these 12-20 people should... 1) Already be people whose drinking habits you are intimately familiar with, 2) Be people who are familiar with your drinking habits and how you feel about seeing people be sloppy drunk, and 3) All have an (unspoken) understanding of the above (otherwise you likely wouldn't be close enough to them to have them be one of only 12-20 people at your wedding since you can't abide people who get sloppy drunk).
So, try trusting your friends and family instead. Respect them, don't control them. If you can't trust and respect them and can't handle watching one of them drink a legal beverage without dissolving into tears, then I would seek professional guidance as to why you can't.
Am I the only one curious which family member she is directing this ban too? With only 12-20 people it has to be someone close.
Just based on the OP I guessing one or all of FI's family? If that is the case, will holidays with the in-laws become a crying fest because they like to drink? Or will maybe the OP will just have to always host in order to be in control? UMM.
What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests. Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated.
As PPs have mentioned, I CAN go 4 days without wine; but if you forbid me you can bet the sippy cup I'm wandering around with has half a bottle of Chardonnay in it.
Maybe make a compromise and request that guests don't bring liquor - but allow beer and wine. Or limit it until after the reception.
Telling a bunch of grown adults they can't drink for 4 days seems a bit ridiculous to me.
The bolded probably won't work if the OP's FI wants a dry reception because he's a recovering alcoholic. He won't agree to beer and wine any more than liquor.
Maybe make a compromise and request that guests don't bring liquor - but allow beer and wine. Or limit it until after the reception.
Telling a bunch of grown adults they can't drink for 4 days seems a bit ridiculous to me.
The bolded probably won't work if the OP's FI wants a dry reception because he's a recovering alcoholic. He won't agree to beer and wine any more than liquor.
OP never said anything about anyone being a recovering alcoholic.
Maybe make a compromise and request that guests don't bring liquor - but allow beer and wine. Or limit it until after the reception.
Telling a bunch of grown adults they can't drink for 4 days seems a bit ridiculous to me.
The bolded probably won't work if the OP's FI wants a dry reception because he's a recovering alcoholic. He won't agree to beer and wine any more than liquor.
Wait, he is? I missed that entirely. I thought it was that the two of them just don't like to drink and she evidently can't hang with even social sippin'.
Maybe make a compromise and request that guests don't bring liquor - but allow beer and wine. Or limit it until after the reception.
Telling a bunch of grown adults they can't drink for 4 days seems a bit ridiculous to me.
The bolded probably won't work if the OP's FI wants a dry reception because he's a recovering alcoholic. He won't agree to beer and wine any more than liquor.
Wait, he is? I missed that entirely. I thought it was that the two of them just don't like to drink and she evidently can't hang with even social sippin'.
Sorry, I got him confused with someone else. But it is their prerogative to have a dry wedding reception because no one is entitled to alcohol at someone else's wedding.
Maybe make a compromise and request that guests don't bring liquor - but allow beer and wine. Or limit it until after the reception.
Telling a bunch of grown adults they can't drink for 4 days seems a bit ridiculous to me.
The bolded probably won't work if the OP's FI wants a dry reception because he's a recovering alcoholic. He won't agree to beer and wine any more than liquor.
Wait, he is? I missed that entirely. I thought it was that the two of them just don't like to drink and she evidently can't hang with even social sippin'.
Sorry, I got him confused with someone else. But it is their prerogative to have a dry wedding reception because no one is entitled to alcohol at someone else's wedding.
Of course they should have a dry wedding if they aren't alcohol/people who enjoy alcohol fans. No one said any differently.
But telling someone they can't drink a glass of wine the rest of the weekend when they've given up time and money to come celebrate with OP is crazy controlling.
Dry weekend = you bet your ass I'd sneak things in
And unless these 20 people know each other well / are really comfortable with each other, I'd bet that most of them wouldn't get embarrassingly piss drunk around each other. In a group of 20, I wouldn't, unless it's my closest friends my age.
Maybe make a compromise and request that guests don't bring liquor - but allow beer and wine. Or limit it until after the reception.
Telling a bunch of grown adults they can't drink for 4 days seems a bit ridiculous to me.
The bolded probably won't work if the OP's FI wants a dry reception because he's a recovering alcoholic. He won't agree to beer and wine any more than liquor.
Wait, he is? I missed that entirely. I thought it was that the two of them just don't like to drink and she evidently can't hang with even social sippin'.
Sorry, I got him confused with someone else. But it is their prerogative to have a dry wedding reception because no one is entitled to alcohol at someone else's wedding.
Of course they should have a dry wedding if they aren't alcohol/people who enjoy alcohol fans. No one said any differently.
But telling someone they can't drink a glass of wine the rest of the weekend when they've given up time and money to come celebrate with OP is crazy controlling.
Maybe make a compromise and request that guests don't bring liquor - but allow beer and wine. Or limit it until after the reception.
Telling a bunch of grown adults they can't drink for 4 days seems a bit ridiculous to me.
The bolded probably won't work if the OP's FI wants a dry reception because he's a recovering alcoholic. He won't agree to beer and wine any more than liquor.
Wait, he is? I missed that entirely. I thought it was that the two of them just don't like to drink and she evidently can't hang with even social sippin'.
Sorry, I got him confused with someone else. But it is their prerogative to have a dry wedding reception because no one is entitled to alcohol at someone else's wedding.
Of course they should have a dry wedding if they aren't alcohol/people who enjoy alcohol fans. No one said any differently.
But telling someone they can't drink a glass of wine the rest of the weekend when they've given up time and money to come celebrate with OP is crazy controlling.
No argument there!
Phew, I'm just glad my reading comprehension is still working.
Re: dry receptions, I've gotten into philosophical debates with my friends about this and I'm tired. I'm all, "Of course it's allowed to have a dry reception as long as you provide food and beverages appropriate to the time of day," and they're all, "But BOOOOZE!" and I'm all, "Obviously it would be more fun with booze, but seriously, it's allowed."
Maybe make a compromise and request that guests don't bring liquor - but allow beer and wine. Or limit it until after the reception.
Telling a bunch of grown adults they can't drink for 4 days seems a bit ridiculous to me.
The bolded probably won't work if the OP's FI wants a dry reception because he's a recovering alcoholic. He won't agree to beer and wine any more than liquor.
Wait, he is? I missed that entirely. I thought it was that the two of them just don't like to drink and she evidently can't hang with even social sippin'.
Sorry, I got him confused with someone else. But it is their prerogative to have a dry wedding reception because no one is entitled to alcohol at someone else's wedding.
Of course they are. But we're talking about the entire weekend. Sure you're not in the wrong if you tell your guests you don't want alcohol in the house that you're paying for, but it's kind of ridiculous. When I say "limit it" I meant don't allow alcohol in the house until after the reception.
If the people whom are coming were capable of controlling themselves, that would be a different story. I know that they enjoy to be intoxicated, and that's what they do when they drink. They drink to get drunk. There is no 'have two glasses of wine,' or 'have a few beers.' I don't need help. There is nothing wrong with being uncomfortable around drinking. I don't need 'help.' I think that many of you were very rude without reason to be. I didn't ask if you thought it was appropriate, did I?
I think that if anyone needs booze that bad, they're the ones who need help. I'M the one paying for it, so I'm going to be comfortable. I didn't ask your opinion. I asked how to word it, but obviously you just want to bash me for using 'wanting to cry' as a description. I am not controlling. It is not my job to host someone's drunk and stupid weekend. I don't have to be uncomfortable just so that somebody else can drink.
There is no reason to bash on here. Isn't that in the community guidelines? Asking if I'm going to cry at family functions? Drinking uncontrollably is NOT normal. Sorry! I hope you all feel better for getting in your 2 cents and being so incredibly rude, (as well as commenting on something you weren't asked about).
We answered your question. You are perfectly within your rights according to etiquette to request that your guests don't bring alcohol with them. But expect to piss some of them off and cause some major eye rolling when you do so.
If the people whom are coming were capable of controlling themselves, that would be a different story. I know that they enjoy to be intoxicated, and that's what they do when they drink. They drink to get drunk. There is no 'have two glasses of wine,' or 'have a few beers.' I don't need help. There is nothing wrong with being uncomfortable around drinking. I don't need 'help.' I think that many of you were very rude without reason to be. I didn't ask if you thought it was appropriate, did I?
I think that if anyone needs booze that bad, they're the ones who need help. I'M the one paying for it, so I'm going to be comfortable. I didn't ask your opinion. I asked how to word it, but obviously you just want to bash me for using 'wanting to cry' as a description. I am not controlling. It is not my job to host someone's drunk and stupid weekend. I don't have to be uncomfortable just so that somebody else can drink.
There is no reason to bash on here. Isn't that in the community guidelines? Asking if I'm going to cry at family functions? Drinking uncontrollably is NOT normal. Sorry! I hope you all feel better for getting in your 2 cents and being so incredibly rude, (as well as commenting on something you weren't asked about).
You're the one that said you would cry if someone drank at your wedding. And if all of the people you are inviting are fall down drunks who need to drink, why are you inviting them to this kind of a wedding?
You don't get to tell adults what to do or how to behave. If you want to have a dry wedding, have one. But you can't tell people they're not allowed to drink for the rest of a vacation. Grow up.
If the people whom are coming were capable of controlling themselves, that would be a different story. I know that they enjoy to be intoxicated, and that's what they do when they drink. They drink to get drunk. There is no 'have two glasses of wine,' or 'have a few beers.' I don't need help. There is nothing wrong with being uncomfortable around drinking. I don't need 'help.' I think that many of you were very rude without reason to be. I didn't ask if you thought it was appropriate, did I?
I think that if anyone needs booze that bad, they're the ones who need help. I'M the one paying for it, so I'm going to be comfortable. I didn't ask your opinion. I asked how to word it, but obviously you just want to bash me for using 'wanting to cry' as a description. I am not controlling. It is not my job to host someone's drunk and stupid weekend. I don't have to be uncomfortable just so that somebody else can drink.
There is no reason to bash on here. Isn't that in the community guidelines? Asking if I'm going to cry at family functions? Drinking uncontrollably is NOT normal. Sorry! I hope you all feel better for getting in your 2 cents and being so incredibly rude, (as well as commenting on something you weren't asked about).
Ok, so they get drunk. I also get drunk. I was drunk Friday off wine. I managed to go out with my friends, dance, take a cab home, chug some water, wake up, and have a productive Saturday: I worked out, paid bills, and ran a couple errands. SHOCKING FOR SOMEONE WHO GETS DRUNK, I KNOW!
Unless these people are assaulting you, someone else, or damaging property, I think it's controlling to tell them they cannot drink. Or if they are that bad when intoxicated, they do need help and I wouldn't invite them if I were you.
As to the bolded, I HATE this attitude. It's ridiculous. Of course no one NEEDS alcohol, but it's an enjoyable part of adult life for many - especially when on vacation. There are all sorts of things people don't need over the span of four days, but you aren't intending on banning desserts, sex, boating, laying out, or anything else right?
And as for our comments, that's like someone coming on here and saying, "I want to politely ban the color red from my wedding. What's the best way to do that?" We wouldn't tell them the best wording to do something so ridiculous; we'd tell them they were being ridiculous.
I feel like this is similar to perhaps me saying, "I don't believe in premarital sex. So for the entire weekend you are there, if you are not married you may not have sexual contact in any way. Have fun!"
I'm thinking this might not be the correct type of wedding for you. I'm just being honest here.
There is NOTHING wrong with a dry wedding. NOT ONE THING WRONG WITH HAVING ONE.
However, your dream wedding is not your standard 2-7 hour wedding, then people go on with the normal lives. You want them to spend 4 days with you on your own terms. And you are inviting 12-20 people who you KNOW like to drink.
You are setting yourself up for failure. Plan and simple. You are even stressed now about the possibility of people drinking. I can't imagine what you will be like during the weekend. If these people you are trying to control like to drink they are going to drink.
For your own sake scrap the whole weekend wedding plan. Plan your [dry] wedding as a one day event. I think it will save you a lot of unnecessary stress.
Not one person here says you have to host alcohol at all for the weekend or even allow it to be consumed at the house. But it's pretty shitty to tell adults they are not allowed drinks on their own time with their own money, simply because you paid for the house. They are well withing their rights to go to a local bar, restaurant or grab a 6-pack and sit by the lake to drink if they want.
What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests. Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated.
OP, what is the normal protocol for family vacations? I'm guessing you've done family vacations before with alcohol present?
You can definitely have no alcohol at your wedding reception. No need to announce anything about it. Simply do not serve it.
There is no good, nice wording for what you are asking us regarding the rest of the trip because it's impolite to tell grown ups that they cannot do something perfectly legal because you don't like it.
I mean this with all kindness, perhaps just do the wedding and nix the vacation?
Once in college my boyfriend and I went on a weekend trip to his friend's cabin on a lake. Her parents were there also and they don't approve of premarital sex, so I ended up spending the weekend sharing a double bed with a girl I didn't know. It was NOT fun. It was nice of them to host us, but had I known that was going to happen, I would not have gone. Most likely once your guests hear of your desires they will choose to go to the wedding only and skip the boring 4 day vaca.
If you seriously have to sit at your computer and be rude to other people for fun, maybe you need to grow up. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Neither does my fiance. Most of you failed to even address my question and just went on a rant about how much you think I'm wrong. If they don't want to come, they don't have to.
**** STUCK IN THE BOX
In general if you are having a tough time coming up with something it's because is't not something that can be politely done.
With so few people just spread it via word of mouth. Just let your FI know to tell his family that the wedding is a 4 day event and they are not allowed to drink during that time. If they complain simply say they are free to find their own accomendations.
What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests. Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated.
If the people whom are coming were capable of controlling themselves, that would be a different story. I know that they enjoy to be intoxicated, and that's what they do when they drink. They drink to get drunk. There is no 'have two glasses of wine,' or 'have a few beers.' I don't need help. There is nothing wrong with being uncomfortable around drinking. I don't need 'help.' I think that many of you were very rude without reason to be. I didn't ask if you thought it was appropriate, did I?
I think that if anyone needs booze that bad, they're the ones who need help. I'M the one paying for it, so I'm going to be comfortable. I didn't ask your opinion. I asked how to word it, but obviously you just want to bash me for using 'wanting to cry' as a description. I am not controlling. It is not my job to host someone's drunk and stupid weekend. I don't have to be uncomfortable just so that somebody else can drink.
There is no reason to bash on here. Isn't that in the community guidelines? Asking if I'm going to cry at family functions? Drinking uncontrollably is NOT normal. Sorry! I hope you all feel better for getting in your 2 cents and being so incredibly rude, (as well as commenting on something you weren't asked about).
You seriously neglected adding this crucial information to your original post. No one here is going to feel sorry for failing to read your mind on this.
If that is the case for your guests, I think putting yourself in a position where you're hanging out with them for an extended period is probably just a bad idea, no? If they really are heavy drinkers, then why put them (and yourself) in a position where someone is sure to be uncomfortable?
Finally, you got good advice for how to word the "no alcohol" thing. Please don't decline to take it just because it also came along with some advice you don't like.
Re: (closed)
I have maybe one drink a month, tops. Maybe once a year I'll drink to the point where I'm certainly intoxicated and not safe to drive, but I'm certainly not rowdy, starting brawls, cussing people out, or stripping down in front of people. Because alcohol doesn't make you do that. Alcohol may make you a little more uninhibited, but isn't going to drastically alter your personality into a personality that wasn't already there lurking to begin with. I am perfectly capable of knowing my limits and behaving appropriately when drinking.
I am also one of the first ones to roll my eyes when people get huffy about dry weddings and imply they are incapable of enjoying a 6 hour social event (i.e. wedding) without imbibing in alcohol and have no problem going out to places that don't serve alcochol. AND EVEN I AM SIDE-EYEING THE HECK OUT OF THIS REQUEST. Adults don't get to tell other adults what to do. Period. I have no desire to spend time with a person who tries to control me.
Presumably, the 12-20 people are your nearest and dearest loved ones. I'll assume 2 of them will be your parents, whose drinking habits who are already aware of and are comfortable with and presumably won't suddenly change just because there is booze lying around. So these 12-20 people should...
1) Already be people whose drinking habits you are intimately familiar with,
2) Be people who are familiar with your drinking habits and how you feel about seeing people be sloppy drunk, and
3) All have an (unspoken) understanding of the above (otherwise you likely wouldn't be close enough to them to have them be one of only 12-20 people at your wedding since you can't abide people who get sloppy drunk).
So, try trusting your friends and family instead. Respect them, don't control them. If you can't trust and respect them and can't handle watching one of them drink a legal beverage without dissolving into tears, then I would seek professional guidance as to why you can't.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Telling a bunch of grown adults they can't drink for 4 days seems a bit ridiculous to me.
Dry weekend = you bet your ass I'd sneak things in
And unless these 20 people know each other well / are really comfortable with each other, I'd bet that most of them wouldn't get embarrassingly piss drunk around each other. In a group of 20, I wouldn't, unless it's my closest friends my age.
Achievement Unlocked: Survived Your Wedding!
I think that if this is such a big issue for you, you should either:
A) Cut those people out of the list; or