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[Deleted User] · July 2014

Many of these posters commented that within rules of etiquette you are welcome to say that there will be no alcohol allowed at all the weekend of your wedding. A couple even suggested to you that you may share by word of mouth about the house rules. One stated to put it on the invitation. So, people did answer your question.

clarke10 · July 2014

Just make sure you give people enough notice so they can make their own accommodations elsewhere. I sure as hell would.

Knottie20363977 · July 2014

lennonkdc · July 2014

Why not tell them with a cute poem: Thank you all for being here, but there will be no liquor wine or beer. We must control your whole vacation, and can not abide intoxication. You will spend the next 4 days dry, also so that the bride won't cry.

TheGrimReaper · July 2014

blueskies13 said:

We are not changing our wedding plans. My fiance doesn't think that his family is going to have any problems with it. I didn't ask for opinons, and I'm still not. I am not being rude, controlling, or insensible. It just makes me uncomfortable. It is my pocketbook and therefore my house for the time we are there. To answer some of your previous questions, there are only 4 people who would be interested in drinking during the entire weekend. @flantastic, I am not wrong. You are unkind.

STUCK IN BOX:
Then why are you here? You obviously don't respect or like these people by the way you speak about them, so just don't invite them. Easy peasy.

sophhabobopha · July 2014

I'm wondering why you choose to associate with these people if you abhor their habits that much.

lyndausvi · July 2014

blueskies13 said:

We are not changing our wedding plans. My fiance doesn't think that his family is going to have any problems with it. I didn't ask for opinons, and I'm still not. I am not being rude, controlling, or insensible. It just makes me uncomfortable. It is my pocketbook and therefore my house for the time we are there. To answer some of your previous questions, there are only 4 people who would be interested in drinking during the entire weekend. @flantastic, I am not wrong. You are unkind.

Then tell those people the house rules. You are starting to make this more complicated than it needs to be.

JaxInBlue · July 2014

Absolutely agree with PPs. This may be a sign that you need to re-evaluate your plans. The dry reception is not the issue. You can absolutely have a dry rehearsal and/or dry reception. It sounds like your reception plans are fine, based on what you've already shared.

The issue is trying to dictate the behavior of adults for the remainder of the time. As PPs have suggested, you can provide guests with "House Rules" that are appropriate to where you are staying. They can include the general guidelines for the use of the property - ie: park here, check in here, gate code is..., etc. and your own rule of no alcohol in the house.

But that's not a realistic expectation for people who enjoy alcohol in their lives. It is highly likely that even with your rule people will attempt to drink. They may, out of love and respect for you, not drink at the wedding itself, but the rest of the vacation should be theirs to enjoy as they please. You might be happier and more at ease if you think about scaling back your plans or further reducing your guest list.

clarke10 · July 2014

If everyone on here thinks you're being controlling, then there's a good chance it might be true.

abbyj700 · July 2014

I believe you are taking things much too personally. No one has attacked you - they've given you advice. You just don't like the advice. As an adult you need to realize that when you solicit opinions, you are going to get some you don't like. No one was rude, no one broke terms of service as you had implied. I honestly do think that setting yourself and others up to be miserable isn't smart for the most important day of your life. Many people don't want to share a home with 20 people for a vacation. Many people don't want to be given rules that go above and beyond what is legal in this country. They're adults. Please treat them as such. A 1/3 of your guests from what you say would be unhappy in this situation. Please be sure to let them know you plan on controlling what everyone does so they have the option to opt out, only attend the wedding or stay in a judgement free home on their own dime.

sophhabobopha · July 2014

Also, you bet you ass I'd be sneaking alcohol in to deal with a four day weekend with a bunch of people who aren't allowed to drink.

huskypuppy14 · July 2014

blueskies13 said:
If the people whom are coming were capable of controlling themselves, that would be a different story. I know that they enjoy to be intoxicated, and that's what they do when they drink. They drink to get drunk. There is no 'have two glasses of wine,' or 'have a few beers.' I don't need help. There is nothing wrong with being uncomfortable around drinking. I don't need 'help.' I think that many of you were very rude without reason to be. I didn't ask if you thought it was appropriate, did I?

I think that if anyone needs booze that bad, they're the ones who need help. I'M the one paying for it, so I'm going to be comfortable. I didn't ask your opinion. I asked how to word it, but obviously you just want to bash me for using 'wanting to cry' as a description. I am not controlling. It is not my job to host someone's drunk and stupid weekend. I don't have to be uncomfortable just so that somebody else can drink.

There is no reason to bash on here. Isn't that in the community guidelines? Asking if I'm going to cry at family functions? Drinking uncontrollably is NOT normal. Sorry! I hope you all feel better for getting in your 2 cents and being so incredibly rude, (as well as commenting on something you weren't asked about).

[Deleted User] · July 2014

blueskies13 said:

We are not changing our wedding plans. My fiance doesn't think that his family is going to have any problems with it. I didn't ask for opinons, and I'm still not. I am not being rude, controlling, or insensible. It just makes me uncomfortable. It is my pocketbook and therefore my house for the time we are there. To answer some of your previous questions, there are only 4 people who would be interested in drinking during the entire weekend. @flantastic, I am not wrong. You are unkind.

When you post any kind of topic on a public forum, you're going to get opinions. Isn't that the point of the post? To get a group's thoughts/opinions/advice on what you're asking?

cu97tiger · July 2014

blueskies13 said:

We are not changing our wedding plans. My fiance doesn't think that his family is going to have any problems with it. I didn't ask for opinons, and I'm still not. I am not being rude, controlling, or insensible. It just makes me uncomfortable. It is my pocketbook and therefore my house for the time we are there. To answer some of your previous questions, there are only 4 people who would be interested in drinking during the entire weekend. @flantastic, I am not wrong. You are unkind.

You're not having a 'wedding' you're having a 'wedding weekend.' It does not make sense to host that kind of a weekend when you know that you will make at least some of your guests uncomfortable.

By continuing to insist that 'it's my day weekend, so I'm doing it MY way,' you ARE being controlling and insensible. You realize that some of your hosted friends/family may not like this rule. So WHY would you INSIST that they stay with you for four days AND abide by your rules? Have your wedding, but allow your guests to stay elsewhere. Also, your judgement of their drinking is probably in direct opposition to your religion. Just guessing on that part.

KatieinBkln · July 2014

crabbylucy said:

blueskies13 said:

We are not changing our wedding plans. My fiance doesn't think that his family is going to have any problems with it. I didn't ask for opinons, and I'm still not. I am not being rude, controlling, or insensible. It just makes me uncomfortable. It is my pocketbook and therefore my house for the time we are there. To answer some of your previous questions, there are only 4 people who would be interested in drinking during the entire weekend. @flantastic, I am not wrong. You are unkind.

When you post any kind of topic on a public forum, you're going to get opinions. Isn't that the point of the post? To get a group's thoughts/opinions/advice on what you're asking?

SIB

I'm utterly shocked that this OP wants to control the nature of the responses given. Seriously, there is absolutely NO indication in her OP that she would be the kind of person who wants to tell other people what to do/how to do it.

MegEn1 · July 2014

My concern is this: people who want to drink will find a way, rules or no. They may go out to a bar and get hammered and then stumble home, but if they are drinkers and you are providing them with lots of down time they will likely find a way.

While an extended vacation sounds like a great idea, if you don't trust these people to have a few beers and not get slobbery, you probably can't trust them to follow the rules.

Because honestly? I might obey the letter of your rules (or bring a bottle of wine up to my room because it's an extended vacation) or I'd go out and have some drinks. I'm not a sloppy drunk, or even a frequent drunk. But if I were ... well, you may still end up with drunk folks on your hands.

If it were me, rather than put down rules telling people not to drink at all, I'd try to make sure it was an activity-filled weekend. Keep everyone busy and it'll keep them out of trouble.

Best of luck on your wedding.

AlexisA01 · July 2014

I am side eyeing this and yes, I have to ask:How is this okay etiquette wise, I am legitimately asking. Especially with Adults that are of age. I can understand not smoking in the house but to tell someone they can not have a glass of wine or a beer. Adults should be able to drink without needing monitoring?

sophhabobopha · July 2014

KatieinBkln said:

crabbylucy said:

blueskies13 said:

We are not changing our wedding plans. My fiance doesn't think that his family is going to have any problems with it. I didn't ask for opinons, and I'm still not. I am not being rude, controlling, or insensible. It just makes me uncomfortable. It is my pocketbook and therefore my house for the time we are there. To answer some of your previous questions, there are only 4 people who would be interested in drinking during the entire weekend. @flantastic, I am not wrong. You are unkind.

When you post any kind of topic on a public forum, you're going to get opinions. Isn't that the point of the post? To get a group's thoughts/opinions/advice on what you're asking?

SIB

I'm utterly shocked that this OP wants to control the nature of the responses given. Seriously, there is absolutely NO indication in her OP that she would be the kind of person who wants to tell other people what to do/how to do it.

TheGrimReaper · July 2014

Hey, I'll agree with you. Drinking uncontrollably is not 'normal.' I don't particularly enjoy being around people that are wasted. But, knowing that, I don't make plans with people who enjoy getting hammered which result in us being in close quarters for 4 days straight. I don't tell them what to do, they're grown ups. I just don't have sleepovers with them.

ashleyep · July 2014

AlexisA01 said:

I am side eyeing this and yes, I have to ask:How is this okay etiquette wise, I am legitimately asking. Especially with Adults that are of age. I can understand not smoking in the house but to tell someone they can not have a glass of wine or a beer. Adults should be able to drink without needing monitoring?

Because she's paying for it, so it's a matter of her house, her rules. If I invite you to my home for the weekend, and I don't drink or want alcohol in it, you have to respect that. Same thing if I'm footing the bill for a cabin rental.

Knottie20363977 · July 2014

StitelME · July 2014

blueskies13, I also get a little uncomfortable when in the company of some of the really heavy drinkers in my family, many of whom are invited to my wedding in a couple of weeks. It's hard to reconcile not wanting to limit the fun of others (by controlling the availability of alcohol in this case) with the desire to keep a few individuals from getting too far out of control. In my situation, we decided that our best decision was to only offer beer and wine but no liquor at the reception. However, we have also empowered the bartender and event staff to cut off any individual who is getting exceptionally sloppy (like falling over or getting sick in flower bushes, etc.). I respect your desire for a dry reception and dry weekend.

My opinions about whether or not a dry house visit should happen, I think word of mouth is probably your best bet in terms of informing your guests about your preferences regarding a dry weekend. Just putting it on the invitations feels like you would just be begging guests to try to circumvent it. At least with word of mouth, you can attach reasoning to the rule, which might make it easier for your guests to stomach.

chibiyui · July 2014

blueskies13 said:

We are not changing our wedding plans. My fiance doesn't think that his family is going to have any problems with it. I didn't ask for opinons, and I'm still not. I am not being rude, controlling, or insensible. It just makes me uncomfortable. It is my pocketbook and therefore my house for the time we are there. To answer some of your previous questions, there are only 4 people who would be interested in drinking during the entire weekend. @flantastic, I am not wrong. You are unkind.

Why don't you just not invite those 4 people? That seems to be your easiest option.

Many posters told you that because you're paying, it's okay to state house rules.

I do think you're being somewhat unreasonable with this, esp. since you didn't mention that these 4 people you're worried about apparently have a substance problem when PP's mentioned you had gaps in logic in your first post, specifically wanting to cry if someone drank at the vacation home, yet you don't have a problem eating dinner at a winery.

And of course, you don't have to BUY anyone booze, but what are you going to do if you find out someone sneaks in a bottle or flask? Are you going to take it away from them?

MegEn1 · July 2014

OP, let me ask you a question:

It sounds like you're okay around alcohol, but not okay around drunks. Would it be possible to, while not providing alcohol, not forbid it, but via word of mouth make sure that people were aware that you aren't doing any parties, you don't want to get hammered, you just want to have a nice, relaxing weekend?

Dealing with drunks in socially unacceptable situations is a time-honored tradition. There are ways around it.

I don't say this because I think you shouldn't be allowed to make the rules in your own house. I say this because I think the 'no alcohol' rule will not get the result that you want, which is no drunks.

Aray82 · July 2014

PDKH said:

blueskies13 said:

If the people whom are coming were capable of controlling themselves, that would be a different story. I know that they enjoy to be intoxicated, and that's what they do when they drink. They drink to get drunk. There is no 'have two glasses of wine,' or 'have a few beers.' I don't need help. There is nothing wrong with being uncomfortable around drinking. I don't need 'help.' I think that many of you were very rude without reason to be. I didn't ask if you thought it was appropriate, did I?

I think that if anyone needs booze that bad, they're the ones who need help. I'M the one paying for it, so I'm going to be comfortable. I didn't ask your opinion. I asked how to word it, but obviously you just want to bash me for using 'wanting to cry' as a description. I am not controlling. It is not my job to host someone's drunk and stupid weekend. I don't have to be uncomfortable just so that somebody else can drink.

There is no reason to bash on here. Isn't that in the community guidelines? Asking if I'm going to cry at family functions? Drinking uncontrollably is NOT normal. Sorry! I hope you all feel better for getting in your 2 cents and being so incredibly rude, (as well as commenting on something you weren't asked about).

Ok, so they get drunk. I also get drunk. I was drunk Friday off wine. I managed to go out with my friends, dance, take a cab home, chug some water, wake up, and have a productive Saturday: I worked out, paid bills, and ran a couple errands. SHOCKING FOR SOMEONE WHO GETS DRUNK, I KNOW!

Unless these people are assaulting you, someone else, or damaging property, I think it's controlling to tell them they cannot drink. Or if they are that bad when intoxicated, they do need help and I wouldn't invite them if I were you.

As to the bolded, I HATE this attitude. It's ridiculous. Of course no one NEEDS alcohol, but it's an enjoyable part of adult life for many - especially when on vacation. There are all sorts of things people don't need over the span of four days, but you aren't intending on banning desserts, sex, boating, laying out, or anything else right?

And as for our comments, that's like someone coming on here and saying, "I want to politely ban the color red from my wedding. What's the best way to do that?" We wouldn't tell them the best wording to do something so ridiculous; we'd tell them they were being ridiculous.

All of this right here. As someone with a few recovering alcoholics in her family, I can tell you that "getting drunk" and even "falling down drunk" are in no way a clear indication of whether someone has a serious drinking problem. In fact, the ones who seem like they're able to manage it better are sometimes the ones in need of the most help--because they know they have a problem and have figured out how to hide it! Even the standard definition of an alcoholic in the medical community (x amount of drinks per month/per sitting) is not always an accurate indication of serious drinking issues.

OP, I'm sorry you did not get the advice you were hoping for, but I can tell you that this forum is one of the best at giving honest advice, albeit blunt at times. These posters genuinely want to be helpful and offer you some perspective that may prevent you from being unintentionally rude to your nearest and dearest. I will just echo PPs in saying that while you technically could ban alcohol at a house you're paying for, it would not be the best way to treat your adult guests. If you do suspect that someone close to you does have a drinking problem, handle it with that person on a case-by-case basis, apart from your wedding weekend.

BMoreBride6 · July 2014

blueskies13 said:

@cu97tiger It actually has nothing to do with my religion. Did it feel good to get a little dig in? You must be a very pleasant woman.

I think what she meant is that judging others is probably against your religion, not that your religion is against their drinking.

lyndausvi · July 2014

AlexisA01 said:

I am side eyeing this and yes, I have to ask:How is this okay etiquette wise, I am legitimately asking. Especially with Adults that are of age. I can understand not smoking in the house but to tell someone they can not have a glass of wine or a beer. Adults should be able to drink without needing monitoring?

I believe in house rules. The OP is renting the house, so he is within her rights to make such rules.

Now this is where it gets controlling. It appears the OP is taking it a step farther and saying you are not even allowed go to a restaurant and have a glass of wine as long as your are staying in my house. Yeah, I will respect not drinking in your house, I will not extended that to any place I might go to while staying at said place.

Knottie20363977 · July 2014

banana468 · July 2014

You're not being controlling. You're just telling grown adults what legal behavior you're not allowing. How is that NOT controlling?

I also wonder how far away from civilization the house is. What's stopping the guests from boozing it at local bars or restaurants? What will you do if guests show up drunk?

My honest advice is either don't rent the house or don't invite the problem drinkers to stay in it. If you think everyone else shares your same philosophy then just share the home with those people.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

blueskies13 said:

People can go wherever they want to get a drink. If they want to go out to a restaurant and have some wine, that's fine by me. I just know that these people like to sit and drink and drink and drink. My goal is not to be mean or controlling. Also, these 4 people are people that we can't not invite.

So, the rules are they just can't drink in the house for that weekend? If they go out that weekend after the wedding to the restaurant where they drink and get drunk, take a taxi back to house, that would be ok?

ETA: I'm asking out of curiosity.

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