(closed)

jacques27 · July 2014

People can go wherever they want to get a drink. If they want to go out to a restaurant and have some wine, that's fine by me. I just know that these people like to sit and drink and drink and drink. My goal is not to be mean or controlling. Also, these 4 people are people that we can't not invite.

Unless those four people are you, your FI, and the officiant (and technically that's only three) or they are paying for any part of this wedding/reception/weekend, then technically they are people you cannot invite - you just choose not to exercise that option. Because all that's really necessary to get married is you, a person to get married to, and an officiant. The rest is all just bonus fluff. Just like you can also choose to not have a four day slumber party with people whose behavior makes you uncomfortable and just have a nice one evening ceremony and reception and go about the rest of your weekend, but you choose not to. There are always choices.

You can only control you and the choices you make. I'll say it again, adults don't get to control what other adults do. You can certainly word of mouth it that you would appreciate not having alcohol, but if these people are that into drinking (which you omitted from your first post, by the way - there's a huge difference between being "a little more into alcohol" than your parents who drink a few times a year which you went on and on about and "drinking to get drunk on a routine basis") they are going to drink.

Out of curiosity, since there seemed to be several things you omitted from your OP, can you please clarify how it is you are hosting and feel you can set rules when you wrote "I may decide to just buy it all [the snacks] (since our parents may end up paying for most of the wedding anyway)." Does that mean they really are paying for the lake house? Both sets of parents are paying? Because they are the hosts, not you then, and I'm not sure how you can dictate to the people paying for the wedding that they can't drink if they want to even at the wedding, let alone all weekend.

PrettyGirlLost · July 2014

MegEn1 said:

My concern is this: people who want to drink will find a way, rules or no. They may go out to a bar and get hammered and then stumble home, but if they are drinkers and you are providing them with lots of down time they will likely find a way.

While an extended vacation sounds like a great idea, if you don't trust these people to have a few beers and not get slobbery, you probably can't trust them to follow the rules.

Because honestly? I might obey the letter of your rules (or bring a bottle of wine up to my room because it's an extended vacation) or I'd go out and have some drinks. I'm not a sloppy drunk, or even a frequent drunk. But if I were ... well, you may still end up with drunk folks on your hands.

If it were me, rather than put down rules telling people not to drink at all, I'd try to make sure it was an activity-filled weekend. Keep everyone busy and it'll keep them out of trouble.

Best of luck on your wedding.

Yeah the US Government tried that once. It was called Prohibition. It was a huge success if you call the rise of organized crime, boot leggers, bath tub stills, and seedy speakeasies a huge success.

iloveotters2014 · July 2014

You seem to be setting yourself up for failure. What exactly is going to be happening the 4 days? Are you guys ever planning to go out for dinner? If you do and someone orders a beer or 2 will you freak? Honestly, I'm not a big drinker but 9 times out of 10 when I go out of town or go up north or something I bring a bottle or 2 of wine. I would probably do this. It's a weekend getaway. Even if you put a house rules insert I would more than likely forget. Would you freak out if you saw someone walk in holding a bottle of wine or a 6 pack? I'm just honestly curious about what you plan to do when this REAL situation could happen.

ETA - My brother doesnt drink. He hasn't in 15 years. I understand this and I respect this, but when we go out for dinner I don't NOT order a glass of wine. And he also wouldn't see it as disrespectful if I did order a glass of wine. You seem to think your friends would be disrespecting you if they decided to leave the house and have a cocktail. I don't understand that.

PrettyGirlLost · July 2014

TheGrimReaper said:

Also, maybe I suck, but if my family member was like "And we'll take 4 days! Make my wedding your vacation this year!" I would not be into that. I already have a vacation planned.

Then I suck right along with you. A dry, 4 day weekend in the same house as 20 other family members in no way sounds like fun or a vacation to me. In fact it sounds like the antithesis of both of those things.

lolo883 said:

blueskies13 said:

If these 'legal adults' have respect for my fiance and I, they will respect our wishes. Life isn't all about doing what you wanna do and drinking. There will be other beverages. If someone were to go out and get drunk at a bar, it would be hugely disrespectful. I just don't think that's going to happen. They are going to be fine with this, it's ridiculous that it even escalated to this.

People who know how uncomfortable you are around alcohol yet have repeatedly gotten shit-faced drunk in front of you before, and enjoy drinking to get drunk on a regular basis, are somehow going to be fine with this? OK... but then why are you asking?

And so much this. People are NOT going to change their behaviors just because you are getting married. Sorry, not likely to happen.

PrettyGirlLost · July 2014

crabbylucy said:

blueskies13 said:

Only those who want to stay are going to stay. It isn't required. They can pay for their own $200-400/night hotel room if they'd like to. All for a glass of wine, I guess.

You best believe that I would be paying for my own room if that meant I had the freedom of choosing what I wanted to drink. Wine? Hell yes.

I'd be paying to have my own room and bathroom! Sharing bathrooms with that many people is a pain in the ass, to say the least.

RosieC18 · July 2014

Full disclosure: I am at work and have not been able to read the whole thread (I'm also on mobile).

I get it. I don't drink and I don't like intoxicants. Drunk people are scary - they're unpredictable, they're loud, they're sometimes inappropriate and when you're sober they're often rather annoying. When it's people I know/care about that can be even worse. My H or friends or whomever that I love is *different.* Maybe not in fundamental ways, but enough to make it odd and disorienting and yes, scary. I spent many years refusing to be around drunk people and I would have a similar reaction to what you've described: wanting to burst into tears, feeling weak and shaky, needing to escape. I've gotten better about it through basically aversion therapy - being exposed to it a bit at a time. I still don't like it but it doesn't freak me out. Drugs, even pot, still have the same effect. I can't even watch movies with explicit heroin use, for example.

But here's the thing: I have always recognized that this is a "me" problem and that no one else owes me their sobriety. I think it's totally fair to have a dry wedding/reception. A) you're hosting and

presumably these are people who love you and your Fi, and this is important to you and not that hard for them to comply with. However, an entire weekend is pushing it pretty far. Not because it should be so hard not to drink for that long, but because they aren't required to cater to your irrationality (that I share! And understand!).

Perhaps the lake house hang-out is just not a good fit for you and your guests. If you're not okay with how people behave on those types of trips, then don't have one. I get that it sucks to be limited from something that should be fun even without alcohol, but that's who you are and you can't ask the world to revolve around your issues. That's why they're issues.

I don't think you're a control freak for feeling this way. I know from experience that it's exhausting and isolating to try to protect yourself from the behavior of others that legitimately causes you severe discomfort. But you only get to ask for so much indulgence and you have to figure out the rest for yourself.

cu97tiger · July 2014

blueskies13 said:

@cu97tiger It actually has nothing to do with my religion. Did it feel good to get a little dig in? You must be a very pleasant woman.

You clearly missed my point. Whether your religion determined your attitudes towards drinking or not, my guess is that it specifically tells you not to judge others. But you have proceeded to judge anyone who drinks 'too much.' I put 'too much' in quotes because it's a determination made by you, not by the person who is actually doing the drinking.

And yes, I actually am a very pleasant woman.

BMoreBride6 · July 2014

@cu97tiger I love the idea behind your signature picture! So cool!

cu97tiger · July 2014

BMoreBride6 said:

@cu97tiger I love the idea behind your signature picture! So cool!

Thanks! Next year will be tough because this year's picture was a little grainy, so it will look really bad as an 11x14. I was thinking we could hold the phone out close to the camera, with us in the background for next year. After that, we might have to only do big anniversaries...

MGP · July 2014

RosieC18 said:

they aren't required to cater to your irrationality

STUCK IN THE BOX

This is genius and I am going to use it every single time a bride comes on here and complains when people won't cave into their ridiculous demands.

Besides everything else that has already been said - why hasn't anyone questioned the OP why they want to share their wedding night and honeymoon with 12 to 20 other people in the same house, and why would their guests want to share the couple's wedding night and honeymoon in a house, with no alcohol nonetheless? Sounds like a terrible time all the way around.

MuppetOverlord · July 2014

I think that if you are inviting the 12-20 most important people in your life, you can respect them enough to let them be the people that they are with the comforts they desire for the duration.
If the presence of alcohol puts you into tears, you may want to talk with a therapist.
If you don't supply alcohol, many won't drink any. Some will go out and pick some up. It is still likely to be a tame event.
Keep in mind that people in your family may do as you demand, but it doesn't mean they aren't judging you and discussing it the moment you walk away. If someone gave me, at 33, "house rules", I would be offended. If my parents got the same rules, they would be beyond offended. We would all likely stay for the reception and take off after...and we hardly drink.

ohannabelle · July 2014

I'd go, and follow the no alcohol rule. But there'd be a damned big cloud of marijuana smoke drifting up from the lake.

Kidding. It's fine to have a dry wedding. I have no problem with that. But once you get into telling other adults- including your elders- how to behave for several days, you've crossed the line into controlling behavior, which is not being a good hostess.

If someone told me "no alcohol for the weekend, my house, my rules," I'd be genuinely offended. Even though I only rarely drink, and usually don't drink over a weekend. Because they're telling me how to behave, and that I can't be trusted to behave like a civilized adult, and make socially responsible decisions for myself.

And yes, the crying thing is neither rational nor normal. It's either invented drama, or yes, you need help.

And no, I don't believe you're not controlling, as evidenced by your behavior in telling previous posters how to respond. That's not how adult conversations work. People respond in various ways, digress to discuss related topics, consider various possibilities, and sometimes disagree. If you post a topic on a public board with hundreds of members, you're going to get varied responses. Not just the ones you want, like, or agree with.

Welcome to the internet.

Strawberry211chicago · July 2014

MGP said:

RosieC18 said:

they aren't required to cater to your irrationality

STUCK IN THE BOX

This is genius and I am going to use it every single time a bride comes on here and complains when people won't cave into their ridiculous demands.

Besides everything else that has already been said - why hasn't anyone questioned the OP why they want to share their wedding night and honeymoon with 12 to 20 other people in the same house, and why would their guests want to share the couple's wedding night and honeymoon in a house, with no alcohol nonetheless? Sounds like a terrible time all the way around.

This, so much. I really want to know why this 4 day wedding situation is necessary.

Maggie0829 · July 2014

Quite a few people got drunk at our wedding (including my H) and I did not find it disrespectful or rude at all. I was actually happy because that meant that it was a kick ass party and people were enjoying the fuck out of themselves.

Look, OP, people gave you some great advice. Here are your options...

1) Ditch the weekend plans and just have a one day affair

2) Set up the house rules but then learn to deal with the fact that people will most likely go out and have some drinks at a bar and *GASP* possibly get drunk

3) Don't invite the 4 people that you are worried about

Honestly, if I were invited to a 4 day weekend at a beach/lake house you bet your butt I am going to want to have a drink or two (or 3 or 4) because it is a flipping vacation and that is what I like to do on my vacations, sit in the sun and drink some beer/wine.

Liatris2010 · July 2014

My guess is your four "problem drinkers" are FI's family and you can't not invite them. Fine. You've accepted that. The next thing you need to accept is that you cannot dictate other people's behavior. You can set house rules, but you can't make rules for outside the house and you seriously need to consider how you will be enforcing the house rules. Someone staggers in drunk at 2am, what do you do, and how does that impact your future relationship? Drunk people are annoying, but easier to put up with than a sour relationship with the in-laws.....

lyndausvi · July 2014

MGP said:

RosieC18 said:

they aren't required to cater to your irrationality

STUCK IN THE BOX

This is genius and I am going to use it every single time a bride comes on here and complains when people won't cave into their ridiculous demands.

Besides everything else that has already been said - why hasn't anyone questioned the OP why they want to share their wedding night and honeymoon with 12 to 20 other people in the same house, and why would their guests want to share the couple's wedding night and honeymoon in a house, with no alcohol nonetheless? Sounds like a terrible time all the way around.

We spent our wedding night in a house with 19 other people (my whole family, kids and all). Huge beach rental house. Every person was in a real bed. Every room had their own bathroom.

We didn't start out staying there, but our hotel reservation got mess up the manager was a huge ass so we decided to just go back to the beach house were the room I stayed in the days leading up to the wedding was still empty.

Not ideal, but it worked out. We left for the HM the next day.

Of course our house was stocked with a full bar.

LDay2014 · July 2014

Liatris2010 said:

My guess is your four "problem drinkers" are FI's family and you can't not invite them. Fine. You've accepted that. The next thing you need to accept is that you cannot dictate other people's behavior. You can set house rules, but you can't make rules for outside the house and you seriously need to consider how you will be enforcing the house rules. Someone staggers in drunk at 2am, what do you do, and how does that impact your future relationship? Drunk people are annoying, but easier to put up with than a sour relationship with the in-laws.....

You know what this makes me think of? The uber-conservative parents/church pastors/authority figures who say their poeple can't do 'X' so what do the people do? Go out, do 'x' in excess...

If you tell them they can't drink, and force them to go elsewhere (and they will) you'd better hope and pray that they are smart enough to not drink and drive.

They will drink, that's not a question. It's a celebratory 4 day weekend/vacation. Question is, will they be of sound enough mind away from the cabin to make it home safely?

Edited: For clarification of the point...not just parents/kids. When you 'ban' someone from doing something, they're going to try harder to find a way TO do that thing.

Liatris2010 · July 2014

LDay2014 said:

Liatris2010 said:

My guess is your four "problem drinkers" are FI's family and you can't not invite them. Fine. You've accepted that. The next thing you need to accept is that you cannot dictate other people's behavior. You can set house rules, but you can't make rules for outside the house and you seriously need to consider how you will be enforcing the house rules. Someone staggers in drunk at 2am, what do you do, and how does that impact your future relationship? Drunk people are annoying, but easier to put up with than a sour relationship with the in-laws.....

You know what this makes me think of? The uber-conservative parents who say their kids can't do 'X' so what do the kids do? Go out, do 'x' in excess...

If you tell them they can't drink, and force them to go elsewhere (and they will) you'd better hope and pray that they are smart enough to not drink and drive.

They will drink, that's not a question. It's a celebratory 4 day weekend/vacation. Question is, will they be of sound enough mind away from the cabin to make it home safely?

Yes, but parents of minor children can ground them, take away the car or other privileges, assign extra chores, etc. What are the bride and groom going to do? Send their guests to bed with no supper? Exclude them from the next evening's game night? Or just make a big scene?

JellyBean52513 · July 2014

blueskies13 said:

If these 'legal adults' have respect for my fiance and I, they will respect our wishes. Life isn't all about doing what you wanna do and drinking. There will be other beverages. If someone were to go out and get drunk at a bar, it would be hugely disrespectful. I just don't think that's going to happen. They are going to be fine with this, it's ridiculous that it even escalated to this.

***Stuck in the box***

OP, the above bolded statement really makes me shake my head and honestly, it makes me feel bad for you. The fact that you specifically point out drinking in a statement that references "doing what you want to do in life" tells me that you have a really biased attitude towards the practice of drinking. I'm not sure what has happened to you in life that's caused you to be this way, but the longer you harbor these negative thoughts about drinking--and the people who drink--the longer you will find yourself to be miserable and uncomfortable. That's no way to live.

If these 4 guests who like to drink a lot are your future in-laws, then PLEASE consider how this will affect your life and your relationship with them moving forward before you try to force your personal values onto them. I totally understand wanting people to respect your wishes in your own home. I personally would never let someone smoke cigarettes in my home, but they can obviously go outside to do it. One thing I stand very firm on is that I would also never allow anyone to be in my home if they'd been using certain drugs (I'm talking heroine, crack, or similar hard drugs), no matter where they'd used them.... but then again, if I knew of anyone who did them, I wouldn't have a relationship with them to begin with and I'd NEVER invite them on a 4-day vacation and expect them to drop their habit just like that!

I want you to know, OP, that people who drink aren't bad people. Even people who drink to get drunk aren't bad people. I'll even go so far as to say that (most) alcoholics are not bad people. Please do yourself a favor and stop vilifying drinkers/the habit of drinking, it's obviously causing you more anxiety than you should have.

Liatris2010 · July 2014

JellyBean52513 said:

blueskies13 said:

If these 'legal adults' have respect for my fiance and I, they will respect our wishes. Life isn't all about doing what you wanna do and drinking. There will be other beverages. If someone were to go out and get drunk at a bar, it would be hugely disrespectful. I just don't think that's going to happen. They are going to be fine with this, it's ridiculous that it even escalated to this.

***Stuck in the box***

OP, the above bolded statement really makes me shake my head and honestly, it makes me feel bad for you. The fact that you specifically point out drinking in a statement that references "doing what you want to do in life" tells me that you have a really biased attitude towards the practice of drinking. I'm not sure what has happened to you in life that's caused you to be this way, but the longer you harbor these negative thoughts about drinking--and the people who drink--the longer you will find yourself to be miserable and uncomfortable. That's no way to live.

If these 4 guests who like to drink a lot are your future in-laws, then PLEASE consider how this will affect your life and your relationship with them moving forward before you try to force your personal values onto them. I totally understand wanting people to respect your wishes in your own home. I personally would never let someone smoke cigarettes in my home, but they can obviously go outside to do it. One thing I stand very firm on is that I would also never allow anyone to be in my home if they'd been using certain drugs (I'm talking heroine, crack, or similar hard drugs), no matter where they'd used them.... but then again, if I knew of anyone who did them, I wouldn't have a relationship with them to begin with and I'd NEVER invite them on a 4-day vacation and expect them to drop their habit just like that!

I want you to know, OP, that people who drink aren't bad people. Even people who drink to get drunk aren't bad people. I'll even go so far as to say that (most) alcoholics are not bad people. Please do yourself a favor and stop vilifying drinkers/the habit of drinking, it's obviously causing you more anxiety than you should have.

I'm going to disagree about the bolded. Life is all about doing what you want. Granted, it is not about doing those things free from consequences, but still, I feel sad that you think life is not about doing what you want. We are given one life to enjoy, you'd better believe I am going to do what I want or die trying.

casey8784 · July 2014

MegEn1 said:

I want wine in the worst way now.

I'm actually sitting here reading this, while sipping a glass of wine! (Granted, had poured it before starting this thread, so....)

JellyBean52513 · July 2014

@Liatris2010 I'm sure she meant that life at the beach wedding/vacation home from hell is not all about doing what you want. And it definitely isn't about drinking.

Liatris2010 · July 2014

JellyBean52513 said:

@Liatris2010 I'm sure she meant that life at the beach wedding/vacation home from hell is not all about doing what you want. And it definitely isn't about drinking.

What could possibly be hellish about sharing a house with 19 people and no social lube to make it go more smoothly?

Simply Fated · July 2014

blueskies13 said:

If these 'legal adults' have respect for my fiance and I, they will respect our wishes. Life isn't all about doing what you wanna do and drinking. There will be other beverages. If someone were to go out and get drunk at a bar, it would be hugely disrespectful. I just don't think that's going to happen. They are going to be fine with this, it's ridiculous that it even escalated to this.

It escalated to this because you said in your first post that anyone drinking alcohol of any kind makes you want to cry.
When, really, it's all about just four people who like to drink excessively. AND who would totes understand if you asked them not to.

So, there is your answer. Just ask those four people to not drink excessively during the weekend. If you aren't close to them to talk to them about this, then they shouldn't be on your short list of 20 people you really have to have there. There is no need to ban all alcohol if the alcohol itself isn't the problem.

However, if you want to ban all alcohol, go for it. Just put it in the information you'll be giving all the guests. For instance:
~Arrival time should be between 11am and 12 pm on Thursday. Lunch will be served at 12:30pm.
~Pillows will be provided, but it is encouraged you bring your own pillowcase
~Food and snacks will be provided, but please feel free to bring any snacks or drinks you want in addition to what will be provided. Limited refridgeration space will be provided.
~ Alcohol and alcoholic beverages will not be permitted in the house or on the grounds.
~Please bring a towel if you plan on using the lake for swimming

Something like that? You can print them out on nice card stock paper and insert them with the invitations.

Sars06 · July 2014

Serious question - if you hate being around intoxicated people so much, how do you even know that these 4 people like to get as drunk as they apparently do? I would think you would avoid being in those situations in the first place.

I am also confused as to how these people are close enough friends to be invited to your intimate 20 person wedding weekend but not close enough to know and respect your discomfort with alcohol. How do you spend time with them usually?

I know if I had a friend who was vehemently anti-something, I would assume that something (whatever it is) would not be part of her wedding.

Knottie20363977 · July 2014

Knottie20363977 · July 2014

ahyatt87 · July 2014

I just think this is the reason prohibition failed miserably. As soon as you tell adults that they are not allowed to do something they feel is well within their right to do, they will go out of their way to do the very thing you are trying to prevent. I would have no problem attending a dry wedding. I routinely go to my MIL's for dinner and she has a dry household, but there is a reason I don't stay with her for extended periods of time. I simply don't agree with the rules. OP with such a small guest list you can just spread that the house rule is no alcohol allowed. But please don't be surprised if not everyone is thrilled or if people find their own accommodations. I'm going to go have a glass of wine with my dinner now. ETA Knot paragraph fail!

Knottie20363977 · July 2014

Liatris2010 · July 2014

So glad you took the time to respond to what was clearly (or so I thought) a joke,

blueskies13 said:

@Liatris2010 I'm not sure about your family, but if you seriously need 'social lube' to get along... You need more than booze. Who ever said anything about 19 people? I specifically said it will be about 12 people.

@SimplyFated My wanting to cry is wrong? I don't get that. It shouldn't make any of you angry. It was a personal attack on nobody. Certain things make people uncomfortable. Some people don't like drugs. Some people don't like smoking. Some people don't like bugs. Actually, my fiance runs from spiders. People have irrational fears, and maybe my irrational fear is those who are intoxicated. I didn't feel the need to share any family history of alcoholism to prove good reasoning. People are just bothered by certain things. This is my thing. It was nobody's job to rant and rage and freak out about it. I don't care what any of you drink! I just don't want intoxicated family members around me. It makes me uncomfortable.

Liatris2010 said:

My guess is your four "problem drinkers" are FI's family and you can't not invite them. Fine. You've accepted that. The next thing you need to accept is that you cannot dictate other people's behavior. You can set house rules, but you can't make rules for outside the house and you seriously need to consider how you will be enforcing the house rules. Someone staggers in drunk at 2am, what do you do, and how does that impact your future relationship? Drunk people are annoying, but easier to put up with than a sour relationship with the in-laws.....

but not this, which is actually helpful and worthy of consideration (or so I thought). Rules that you can't enforce are pointless and do nothing but draw ire. If that is how you want to start off your marriage and relationship with your in laws or whoever else, good luck. I have no doubt you will need it.

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