this is the code for the render ad
Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Etiquette Forum
Wedding Etiquette Forum
New Discussion

Legally married, now having a "real" wedding? Stop here first! (AKA, the PPD FAQ thread)

1…4546485051…54

Re: Legally married, now having a "real" wedding? Stop here first! (AKA, the PPD FAQ thread)

  • chibiyuichibiyui member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    image
    image



    Anniversary
    Report Reply
  • LDay2014LDay2014 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    irinashayk said:
    @chibiyui‌ no, I never said lying was right. I said that a second wedding or a "do over" or PPD as you want to call it is fine. And people shouldn't act like assholes about it. Again. Nobody is making you go. Don't defend yourself with words that never came out of my keyboard.

    *SIB*
    Except that if the married couple aren't honest with their guests don't give their loved ones the courtesy of information which would allow them to make the informed decision to go.  Even the article says (as we have reiterated over and over and over...) just don't lie about it.  Tell your guests it's a celebration of marriage or a 'wedding solemnization' but don't call it a wedding a dupe your guests into believing they are witnessing something they aren't.

    Look at even the first paragraph of the article - a marriage solemnization and a wedding are two different things MOST OFTEN done at the same time.  So, once you are MARRIED, you are indeed husband and wife.  Dress it up all you want, but you are in fact married. Just don't lie about it and everyone's good.
    '
    As I have mentioned in previous columns about the marriage license, there is a distinction between the legality of getting married and the ritual of the wedding. In the United States, the two events often happen at the same time. Which understandably leads to the perception that weddings are the only time at which a marriage should be solemnized.'
    Report Reply
  • perdonamiperdonami member
    Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer
    MegEn1 said:
    I just don't understand why people can't seem to understand that PPD =/= a reception or party after the fact. A PPD is when you lie to your family and friends, call it a wedding, disrespect your already-made vows by ignoring them, and play dress up for everyone just because. There's lots of legitimate reasons to move a wedding up. That doesn't mean you can't host a big celebration of your marriage 6 months later or whatever.


    So much this^

    No one ever said you couldn't have a kick ass party with lots of cake and flowers to celebrate your love with those closest to you. But, there is no way one should condone lying to your family and leading them to believe they are literally witnessing your marriage when that day already has happened.

    Its just plain mean. 
    Report Reply
  • mrs4everhartmrs4everhart member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    MegEn1 said:
    The more I read this thread, the more I'm realizing that people arguing in favor of PPDs seem to be the ones who don't ... I don't know. I don't want to say they don't seem to value the institute of marriage. But it kind of seems that way.

    "A wedding is a wedding because I say it's a wedding." Well ... no. A wedding is a legal, social, religious contract that joins individuals into a family. You are either in that contract, or you are not.

    "Well, I don't see the world in black and white." That doesn't change the fact that you have entered into a marriage already.

    "My family and friends love me, they wouldn't care even if they knew." For (what I hope is) most people, marriage is a monumental and sacred agreement. To fake a ceremony seems disrespectful to me.

    My FI is a big civil war re-enactor, and I love to go and watch him, but even 150 years later it can sometimes seem ... awkward to replay such huge and world-altering events as a battle where men died. What makes it okay, to me, is that I go knowing it is a re-enactment, a learning opportunity. It's not done to actually 'redo' the battle. It's meant to memorialize it, so that I can understand what happened so many years ago. I don't get to witness the actual bloodshed, and they don't try to make me think that I am.

    I just don't understand why people can't seem to understand that PPD =/= a reception or party after the fact. A PPD is when you lie to your family and friends, call it a wedding, disrespect your already-made vows by ignoring them, and play dress up for everyone just because. There's lots of legitimate reasons to move a wedding up. That doesn't mean you can't host a big celebration of your marriage 6 months later or whatever.


    To the bold: Meh, maybe. Hard to say. But I think people involved in these untraditional arrangements are in a very small (but growing) minority and most of divorced people got married the old fashioned way, so I don't think one really has a whole lot to do with the other. My first marriage by way of an uber traditional wedding ended in divorce. My next marriage, by way of a nontraditional wedding, I have plans to stick out for the rest of my life. I don't really see the two as connected. 

    I don't think most of us advocating for getting married however one chooses are equally as flippant about the institution of marriage so much as we are about how to get that way. An unconventional wedding doesn't equal not caring about your marriage, or marriage in general. 
    Report Reply
  • LDay2014LDay2014 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    PDKH said:
    When it comes to PPDs, there is no getting married the old fashioned way. There's getting married and then there's not getting married, but pretending like you are. Those are the only two ways. 

    Valuing the moment you wear a white dress over the moment you became someone's spouse is sad.

    *SIB*
    Can I love you?
    Report Reply
  • manateehuggermanateehugger member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    LDay2014 said:
    PDKH said:
    When it comes to PPDs, there is no getting married the old fashioned way. There's getting married and then there's not getting married, but pretending like you are. Those are the only two ways. 

    Valuing the moment you wear a white dress over the moment you became someone's spouse is sad.

    *SIB*
    Can I love you?
    image
    image
    Report Reply
  • ViczaesarViczaesar member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    irinashayk said:
    me, after reading all of your comments. I did read, I never said it was ok to lie, if you have bothered to read what I had to say. It went for all the girls that "side eye" what they call PPD even if the bride is being truthful to the guests.

    At least the gifs make this fun, again, I feel back in HS
    image

    I do, too, when I read your posts.



    Report Reply
  • manateehuggermanateehugger member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    This is all I've gotten so far from our Russian model friend. image
    image
    Report Reply
  • ViczaesarViczaesar member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    irinashayk said:
    @viczaesar uuuuu! good one!
    Strike that; more like 6th grade. 



    Report Reply
  • mrs4everhartmrs4everhart member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    PDKH said:
    When it comes to PPDs, there is no getting married the old fashioned way. There's getting married and then there's not getting married, but pretending like you are. Those are the only two ways. 

    Valuing the moment you wear a white dress over the moment you became someone's spouse is sad.

    SITB*******************************

    Those might be the only two ways in your world. And that's cool for you. 

    As far as anyone "valuing" a garment over any aspect of a wedding or their marriage, I would tend to agree with you. But if someone values signing a document changing how the government views their relationship over saying their vows, frankly, that kind of saddens me. I'm not sure what someone is wearing at either moment is all that relevant. 
    Report Reply
  • MegEn1MegEn1 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    STBMrsEverhart said:
    PDKH said:
    When it comes to PPDs, there is no getting married the old fashioned way. There's getting married and then there's not getting married, but pretending like you are. Those are the only two ways. 

    Valuing the moment you wear a white dress over the moment you became someone's spouse is sad.

    SITB*******************************

    Those might be the only two ways in your world. And that's cool for you. 

    As far as anyone "valuing" a garment over any aspect of a wedding or their marriage, I would tend to agree with you. But if someone values signing a document changing how the government views their relationship over saying their vows, frankly, that kind of saddens me. I'm not sure what someone is wearing at either moment is all that relevant. 
    Does that mean you don't intend to value or uphold the promises that you made to each other when you signed that document?

    Achievement Unlocked: Survived Your Wedding! 
    Report Reply
  • mrs4everhartmrs4everhart member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    MegEn1 said:
    STBMrsEverhart said:
    PDKH said:
    When it comes to PPDs, there is no getting married the old fashioned way. There's getting married and then there's not getting married, but pretending like you are. Those are the only two ways. 

    Valuing the moment you wear a white dress over the moment you became someone's spouse is sad.

    SITB*******************************

    Those might be the only two ways in your world. And that's cool for you. 

    As far as anyone "valuing" a garment over any aspect of a wedding or their marriage, I would tend to agree with you. But if someone values signing a document changing how the government views their relationship over saying their vows, frankly, that kind of saddens me. I'm not sure what someone is wearing at either moment is all that relevant. 
    Does that mean you don't intend to value or uphold the promises that you made to each other when you signed that document?
    We didn't promise each other anything when we signed our license. The only thing we affirmed that day was that the information we gave the clerk was correct to the best of our knowledge. Then the clerk showed us which lines to sign. That's the really awesome thing about living somewhere you can self-solemnize - nothing is required to be said. The state of Colorado apparently isn't big on romance I guess. We handled the licensing as a business transaction, then grabbed lunch because we were starving. We had already hammered out the terms of how we'd be getting married, there wasn't much to discuss on the subject of signing a license nor are there any promises to keep as of yet. 
    Report Reply
  • MegEn1MegEn1 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    STBMrsEverhart said:
    MegEn1 said:
    STBMrsEverhart said:
    PDKH said:
    When it comes to PPDs, there is no getting married the old fashioned way. There's getting married and then there's not getting married, but pretending like you are. Those are the only two ways. 

    Valuing the moment you wear a white dress over the moment you became someone's spouse is sad.

    SITB*******************************

    Those might be the only two ways in your world. And that's cool for you. 

    As far as anyone "valuing" a garment over any aspect of a wedding or their marriage, I would tend to agree with you. But if someone values signing a document changing how the government views their relationship over saying their vows, frankly, that kind of saddens me. I'm not sure what someone is wearing at either moment is all that relevant. 
    Does that mean you don't intend to value or uphold the promises that you made to each other when you signed that document?
    We didn't promise each other anything when we signed our license. The only thing we affirmed that day was that the information we gave the clerk was correct to the best of our knowledge. Then the clerk showed us which lines to sign. That's the really awesome thing about living somewhere you can self-solemnize - nothing is required to be said. The state of Colorado apparently isn't big on romance I guess. We handled the licensing as a business transaction, then grabbed lunch because we were starving. We had already hammered out the terms of how we'd be getting married, there wasn't much to discuss on the subject of signing a license nor are there any promises to keep as of yet. 
    Going to take that as a 'no', that you don't take the contract 'vows' serious enough to take the insurance bennies and all the rest for being 'married'. 

    So if you don't consider yourself 'married' why did you sign a 'marriage' contract and take 'marriage' benefits that are set aside SPECIFICALLY for 'married' people?

    Achievement Unlocked: Survived Your Wedding! 
    Report Reply
  • mrs4everhartmrs4everhart member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Kahlyla said:
    STBMrsEverhart said:
    But if someone values signing a document changing how the government views their relationship over saying their vows, frankly, that kind of saddens me.
    They've got this cool thing now. You can actually do both at the very same time!
    Well, in our case, no we couldn't. Not without committing about $1200 to it, inconveniencing 4 other people, and ruining a day of our trip fulfilling Mexico's requirements for legal marriage. Oh, and the blood test and a ceremony neither of us cared much for. No thanks. 20 minutes, $35 plus parking meter money, in and out, done. That part is done, now we can move on to the next part without parting with a large sum of money, blood tests or inconveniencing anyone else. Much better IMO. 
    Report Reply
  • mrs4everhartmrs4everhart member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    flantastic said:

    STBMrsEverhart said:


    Kahlyla said:


    STBMrsEverhart said:

    But if someone values signing a document changing how the government views their relationship over saying their vows, frankly, that kind of saddens me.


    They've got this cool thing now. You can actually do both at the very same time!

    Well, in our case, no we couldn't. Not without committing about $1200 to it, inconveniencing 4 other people, and ruining a day of our trip fulfilling Mexico's requirements for legal marriage. Oh, and the blood test and a ceremony neither of us cared much for. No thanks. 20 minutes, $35 plus parking meter money, in and out, done. That part is done, now we can move on to the next part without parting with a large sum of money, blood tests or inconveniencing anyone else. Much better IMO. 
    I must have missed the part where you were being forced to have a DW in Mexico. Decisions have consequences.




    Not forced at all. It's what we wanted. It's what we're doing. Many decisions do have consequences. This one the possible "consequences" if I'd call them that, which I wouldn't, didn't outweigh the benefits, so we proceeded.

    Report Reply
  • MegEn1MegEn1 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    STBMrsEverhart said:
    Kahlyla said:
    STBMrsEverhart said:
    But if someone values signing a document changing how the government views their relationship over saying their vows, frankly, that kind of saddens me.
    They've got this cool thing now. You can actually do both at the very same time!
    Well, in our case, no we couldn't. Not without committing about $1200 to it, inconveniencing 4 other people, and ruining a day of our trip fulfilling Mexico's requirements for legal marriage. Oh, and the blood test and a ceremony neither of us cared much for. No thanks. 20 minutes, $35 plus parking meter money, in and out, done. That part is done, now we can move on to the next part without parting with a large sum of money, blood tests or inconveniencing anyone else. Much better IMO. 
    I must have missed the part where you were being forced to have a DW in Mexico. Decisions have consequences.
    Not forced at all. It's what we wanted. It's what we're doing. Many decisions do have consequences. This one the possible "consequences" if I'd call them that, which I wouldn't, didn't outweigh the benefits, so we proceeded.
    This is what I mean. You're taking advantage of benefits for married couples without accepting that you are a married couple. It's all about you and what you can get out of the system by gaming it, there doesn't seem to be any respect for the actual institute of marriage and why those benefits were set aside for married couples in the first place. 

    Achievement Unlocked: Survived Your Wedding! 
    Report Reply
  • mrs4everhartmrs4everhart member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    MegEn1 said:


    STBMrsEverhart said:

    flantastic said:

    STBMrsEverhart said:


    Kahlyla said:


    STBMrsEverhart said:

    But if someone values signing a document changing how the government views their relationship over saying their vows, frankly, that kind of saddens me.


    They've got this cool thing now. You can actually do both at the very same time!

    Well, in our case, no we couldn't. Not without committing about $1200 to it, inconveniencing 4 other people, and ruining a day of our trip fulfilling Mexico's requirements for legal marriage. Oh, and the blood test and a ceremony neither of us cared much for. No thanks. 20 minutes, $35 plus parking meter money, in and out, done. That part is done, now we can move on to the next part without parting with a large sum of money, blood tests or inconveniencing anyone else. Much better IMO. 
    I must have missed the part where you were being forced to have a DW in Mexico. Decisions have consequences.




    Not forced at all. It's what we wanted. It's what we're doing. Many decisions do have consequences. This one the possible "consequences" if I'd call them that, which I wouldn't, didn't outweigh the benefits, so we proceeded.




    This is what I mean. You're taking advantage of benefits for married couples without accepting that you are a married couple. It's all about you and what you can get out of the system by gaming it, there doesn't seem to be any respect for the actual
    institute of marriage and why those benefits were set aside for married couples in the first place. 



    If by gaming you mean paying an outrageous sum of money for a benefit offered to me through my workplace as part of my benefit package, sure. I wouldn't consider my workplace "the system" either. I haven't noticed any other benefit yet, so if I'm missing out on something bummer for me I guess. It's been pretty much life as usual. My thoughts and beliefs on the institution of marriage are the same as they've always been, and a marriage license, signed or unsigned, was never going to alter those beliefs.
    Report Reply
  • MegEn1MegEn1 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    So you aren't taking any visa, health insurance, tax, or other benefits as a married person? Why did you feel the need to get married on the DL at all, then? 

    Achievement Unlocked: Survived Your Wedding! 
    Report Reply
  • mrs4everhartmrs4everhart member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    MegEn1 said:

    So you aren't taking any visa, health insurance, tax, or other benefits as a married person? Why did you feel the need to get married on the DL at all, then? 

    Yes, I pay for his health insurance. It's not paid for us. So not exactly taking advantage of anything. We file our taxes separately so no gaming there. No need for visas, we're both American citizens. So it would seem no harm, no foul. But we would have signed our license ahead of our trip regardless, mexico's hoops were not to our liking to jump through.
    Report Reply
  • MegEn1MegEn1 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    Oh so you're just using the married status to get healthcare for both of you. That is an advantage that you're taking. 

    That's just what I mean, though - you're using the institution of marriage because you think you're special and deserve to have access to a benefit without being married. It's not the Special Snowflake healthcare benefit, it's the marriage benefit. To me, to ignore the institution but to claim the benefits is disrespectful to marriage as a whole.

    Do your guests for your reception know that you're married and why?

    Achievement Unlocked: Survived Your Wedding! 
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards