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NER: What the heck do I do?

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Re: NER: What the heck do I do?

  • steph861steph861 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    wrongsideoftheocean said:
    Am I the only one who is concerned that this guy could be a nut job? Or abusive? I really liked my fiance as soon as I met him. And decided I was in love with him about a month, two months into dating. But I still was not absolutely convinced that he wouldn't turn out to be a bad guy, because 2 months (even though I saw him nearly every day) just wasn't that long. It was only after a prolonged amount of time where I saw how he handled life and treated other people that I fully believed he was a decent human being, which made me willing to move in with him. If I had a child, I would have been waiting a lot longer to make that determination. Am I just super paranoid? 
    I thought this too. Or my bigger concern is that he likes her but she's the one jumping the gun and calling immigration etc.
    He called immigration. He's been completely upfront with me throughout. I know he WAS married. I know he's not any more. Will he end up being a bad guy? Of course he could... But what if we're still considering all this in a years time, when we've spent longer in person, spent over a year getting to know each other, as is planned? Even on top of all this... If there's no way to do this without negatively affecting children, we will continue a LDR, FaceTime and vacations, until circumstances change.
    You already know this is your best option. You wouldn't be here if you didn't have reservations about going through with this. But it does you no good to try to hold on to the fairy tale of moving to the US to be with this man. The more you try to make the impossible happen, the harder you'll take it when you finally do realize that things won't work out exactly the way you want them to.

    The sooner you embrace the reality of a long-distance relationship, the less energy you'll waste talking to immigration officials, lawyers, etc. You can be relatively happy in a long-distance relationship, but only if you accept that it's your only option for the foreseeable future. Come to terms with it, take it slow with your BF, and continue to be there for your son. If he's the one, it will be worth the wait.
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  • laceykeolaceykeo member
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    Okay.

    Forgive me for blanking my name but, you never know what kind of people are lurking on the internet...
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  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited August 2014
    Gonna throw out there, I think someone else already did but I'm going to reiterate:

    I do not believe in "the one." Not really (okay, sometimes I'm really into this idea). But I think there are at least a "few fishies out there that can float our boats. The fishies that are NOT "the one" or part of "the few" are the ones who would require us to rip ourselves in half in order to be with them, either on purpose, or through uncontrollable circumstances.  
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  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
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    @thelastdreamer Great minds!
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  • JaxInBlueJaxInBlue member
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    MegEn1 said:
    wrongsideoftheocean said:
    Am I the only one who is concerned that this guy could be a nut job? Or abusive? I really liked my fiance as soon as I met him. And decided I was in love with him about a month, two months into dating. But I still was not absolutely convinced that he wouldn't turn out to be a bad guy, because 2 months (even though I saw him nearly every day) just wasn't that long. It was only after a prolonged amount of time where I saw how he handled life and treated other people that I fully believed he was a decent human being, which made me willing to move in with him. If I had a child, I would have been waiting a lot longer to make that determination. Am I just super paranoid? 
    I thought this too. Or my bigger concern is that he likes her but she's the one jumping the gun and calling immigration etc.
    He called immigration. He's been completely upfront with me throughout. I know he WAS married. I know he's not any more. Will he end up being a bad guy? Of course he could... But what if we're still considering all this in a years time, when we've spent longer in person, spent over a year getting to know each other, as is planned? Even on top of all this... If there's no way to do this without negatively affecting children, we will continue a LDR, FaceTime and vacations, until circumstances change.
    So for the next ten years, right? You said his youngest was 8, I think. 
    I really think a timeline like this is closer to accurate.  To do the least disruption to all of the kids involved, you will have to wait until they're in a place to be on their own.  And that's 10 years, if he can come to you.  (And even that's not a guarantee either set of kids will handle it well; one of my step-brothers in the midst of a 15+ year temper tantrum because his dad moved while he was in college and he started dating my mom). 

    Have you given any thought to the recommendation to talk to someone more qualified?  A priest/pastor/social worker, if not a therapist or psychologist, anyone who can be starker in terms of the legal consequences and who might be able to provide you with immediate coping strategies.
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  • sarawifenowsarawifenow member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited August 2014
    Haha wrong quote. This was meant to be a quote box fo the boarding pass. TK hates me today.


    image

    I'll be the first to admit when I was wrong OP. You did get some solid advice and I hope everything works out ok for you.

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  • MNVegasMNVegas member
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    @photokitty - this is great advice! You'd be amazed at what I found out by just googling some of the guys I met on the internet.
    Mary Click here for my bio! image
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    wrongsideoftheocean said:
    Okay. Forgive me for blanking my name but, you never know what kind of people are lurking on the internet...
    I'm not sure what relevance this has to the discussion.

    What did immigration tell your BF?

    Would you still move to the US in order to date him even if that means you have to leave your young son back in the UK?

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
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    PrettyGirlLost said:
    wrongsideoftheocean said:
    Okay. Forgive me for blanking my name but, you never know what kind of people are lurking on the internet...
    I'm not sure what relevance this has to the discussion.

    What did immigration tell your BF?

    Would you still move to the US in order to date him even if that means you have to leave your young son back in the UK?



    STUCK IN BOX

    It was to prove that this wasn't MUD. 
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  • MegEn1MegEn1 member
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    photokitty said:
    thelastdreamer said:
    lilacck28 said:
    Am I the only one who is concerned that this guy could be a nut job? Or abusive? I really liked my fiance as soon as I met him. And decided I was in love with him about a month, two months into dating. But I still was not absolutely convinced that he wouldn't turn out to be a bad guy, because 2 months (even though I saw him nearly every day) just wasn't that long. It was only after a prolonged amount of time where I saw how he handled life and treated other people that I fully believed he was a decent human being, which made me willing to move in with him. If I had a child, I would have been waiting a lot longer to make that determination. Am I just super paranoid? 
    So much this. Like the fact that this guy is encouraging you to move across the globe and mess up your kid's life for him is extremely disturbing.
    All this and...

    I honestly hope you have done thorough background checks on him. When I met a guy online or otherwise, I googled him and searched every court website I could find - that and auditor's, anything public record. From parking tickets to restraining orders - you need to know what you are dealing with.

    It is imperative to be CERTAIN that he is who he says he is!! I encourage all my friends to do this...it saved one friend from going out with a registered sex offender - she was a mother of 2 and it never occurred to her to do this. The guy - who had a great job, they really clicked, he was handsome and soooo sweet - was downloading and sharing kiddie porn.

    Too many woman are trusting and get up very seriously hurt!! Be diligent and full vet any potential suitors.

    image

    That just goes to show how creepy/crazy people can be on the internet. How creepy/crazy is it to want to cut yourself off from all friends and family, move to another country, and take your young son along for the ride because sexyweek?!

    Achievement Unlocked: Survived Your Wedding! 
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  • photokittyphotokitty mod
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    PrettyGirlLost said:
    wrongsideoftheocean said:
    Okay. Forgive me for blanking my name but, you never know what kind of people are lurking on the internet...
    I'm not sure what relevance this has to the discussion.

    What did immigration tell your BF?

    Would you still move to the US in order to date him even if that means you have to leave your young son back in the UK?
    She was specifically asked by a PP to prove she wasn't just MUD. It's not relevant, except to people who needed her to prove that she was being honest.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    lilacck28 said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    wrongsideoftheocean said:
    Okay. Forgive me for blanking my name but, you never know what kind of people are lurking on the internet...
    I'm not sure what relevance this has to the discussion.

    What did immigration tell your BF?

    Would you still move to the US in order to date him even if that means you have to leave your young son back in the UK?



    STUCK IN BOX

    It was to prove that this wasn't MUD. 
    Oh.


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • laceykeolaceykeo member
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    If LDR is all we have right now, and yeah, I do see that's the way it's looking...

    Then, LDR is what we have.

    I'll take that any day over "well, too bad there's an ocean between us, c'ya".

    I can't give up on him. I love him. That's how it is.

    I don't want to find anyone else.

    I wasn't actively out dating, hooking up, or anything like that.

    We met, albeit online, and within the first week of talking, I was thinking "uh-oh, here's me saying I've no interest in dating or anything right now, then this guy comes along..."
    It's a fast-grown relationship, yes, but I can't explain it, I just know he's the one.

    I don't want to date, I don't want "a guy".
    I want him, or nothing.
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  • sarawifenowsarawifenow member
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    wrongsideoftheocean said:
    If LDR is all we have right now, and yeah, I do see that's the way it's looking... Then, LDR is what we have. I'll take that any day over "well, too bad there's an ocean between us, c'ya". I can't give up on him. I love him. That's how it is. I don't want to find anyone else. I wasn't actively out dating, hooking up, or anything like that. We met, albeit online, and within the first week of talking, I was thinking "uh-oh, here's me saying I've no interest in dating or anything right now, then this guy comes along..." It's a fast-grown relationship, yes, but I can't explain it, I just know he's the one. I don't want to date, I don't want "a guy". I want him, or nothing.
    Sounds like you have your answer then. How often will you be able to see him in person?
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  • MNVegasMNVegas member
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    OP, has he agreed to an exclusive relationship with you? I assume he agreed to not date other women right? How are you going to know?
    Mary Click here for my bio! image
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  • photokittyphotokitty mod
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    jules3964 said:
    Just curious, but… will you expect him to remain faithful to you for 10 years, while you are apart? 

    You don't have to answer, but I'm not sure that's something I would realistically expect of someone.
    ETA: @MNVegas -- great minds! :)
    Think that's a little unfair. They can still travel and see each other. People in the military spend months apart for a number of years depending on their service and are still faithful.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited August 2014
    About the faithful questions... its not just guys who cheat! 10 years apart will be a long time for both parties. And people who live with each other cheat on each other. I'm not sure it's an anxiety you should heap onto yourself on top of the other things... trust issues kill relationships. 
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  • MNVegasMNVegas member
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    photokitty said:
    jules3964 said:
    Just curious, but… will you expect him to remain faithful to you for 10 years, while you are apart? 

    You don't have to answer, but I'm not sure that's something I would realistically expect of someone.
    ETA: @MNVegas -- great minds! :)
    Think that's a little unfair. They can still travel and see each other. People in the military spend months apart for a number of years depending on their service and are still faithful.

    SIB:

    Totally agree but hopefully they have spent more than a week together! Just trying to point things out to OP that she needs to think about. 
    Mary Click here for my bio! image
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  • photokittyphotokitty mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    wrongsideoftheocean said:
    If LDR is all we have right now, and yeah, I do see that's the way it's looking... Then, LDR is what we have. I'll take that any day over "well, too bad there's an ocean between us, c'ya". I can't give up on him. I love him. That's how it is. I don't want to find anyone else. I wasn't actively out dating, hooking up, or anything like that. We met, albeit online, and within the first week of talking, I was thinking "uh-oh, here's me saying I've no interest in dating or anything right now, then this guy comes along..." It's a fast-grown relationship, yes, but I can't explain it, I just know he's the one. I don't want to date, I don't want "a guy". I want him, or nothing.
    OP, if you two love each other and want to try and have a LDR then I wish you all the best. I still stand by my recommendation of thoroughly looking into his past - Google, court records, etc.

    If it is meant to be then you will both be able to stay faithful and wait to be together until it is the right time. Just be careful and go into everything with your eyes open. Be cautious with your safety, your heart and your son.

    GL!
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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  • kkitkat79kkitkat79 member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    jules3964 said:
    Just curious, but… will you expect him to remain faithful to you for 10 years, while you are apart? 

    You don't have to answer, but I'm not sure that's something I would realistically expect of someone.
    ETA: @MNVegas -- great minds! :)

    I wouldn't actually worry about this. When you love someone you don't really want to be with someone else. And you have to trust the other person until they give a reason not to. I talk from experience. My husband and I are going through an immigration process and we don't live in the same country. We haven't seen each other for 8 months and it will probably take another year at least until he'll be able to join me. But I trust him so I don't worry about him being unfaithful. To OP, if you think he is the one do the long distance, it's hard, but doable.
    Anniversary
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  • laceykeolaceykeo member
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    Sorry, got pulled away.


    We consider ourselves engaged. We are actively talking about planning a wedding, albeit a dateless one at the moment.
    Therefore, we trust each other to remain faithful.

    Should that not be the case, then evidently it hasn't worked out, and he's not the one after all.

    On the plus side, every issue discussed here so far simply ceases, and the one cheated on is left to pick up the pieces and go about moving on.

    If either of us ever were to cheat, the other would know.

    We talk about a lot of things. Everything. He's told me things about himself and his past that I know were extremely difficult for him, and vice versa.

    I am HUGE about talking about feelings, actions, anything and everything. In a smarted, university-attending life, I'd have become a therapist myself. As it is, I'm the local flippin agony aunt.

    We discuss everything.
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  • mysticlmysticl member
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    photokitty said:
    jules3964 said:
    Just curious, but… will you expect him to remain faithful to you for 10 years, while you are apart? 

    You don't have to answer, but I'm not sure that's something I would realistically expect of someone.
    ETA: @MNVegas -- great minds! :)
    Think that's a little unfair. They can still travel and see each other. People in the military spend months apart for a number of years depending on their service and are still faithful.
    To a point. Multiple visits to the US can raise red flags with immigration too.  The book Committed: A Love Story by Elizabeth Gilbert is the true story of an American citizen attempting to have a relationship with a non-American. It's the sequel to Eat Pray Love.  This book shows the hoops the U.S. government made them jump through. 
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  • laceykeolaceykeo member
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    How often will I be able to see him in person...

    Once a month for a couple of days at a time. Once every three months for around 7-8 days at a time. Twice a year for around 15 days each, or more likely a scattered mixture of the above.
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  • jules3964jules3964 member
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    photokitty said:
    jules3964 said:
    Just curious, but… will you expect him to remain faithful to you for 10 years, while you are apart? 

    You don't have to answer, but I'm not sure that's something I would realistically expect of someone.
    ETA: @MNVegas -- great minds! :)
    Think that's a little unfair. They can still travel and see each other. People in the military spend months apart for a number of years depending on their service and are still faithful.
    For sure, I'm not saying it can't happen! It's definitely possible and people do it. I guess personally I wouldn't enter into a relationship where I knew going into it that we couldn't be together for 10 years. I'd probably still want to date other people.

    But, that's irrelevant. OP, I wish you the best of luck.
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    MNVegas said:


    wrongsideoftheocean said:

    Sorry, got pulled away.


    We consider ourselves engaged. We are actively talking about planning a wedding, albeit a dateless one at the moment.
    Therefore, we trust each other to remain faithful.

    Should that not be the case, then evidently it hasn't worked out, and he's not the one after all.

    On the plus side, every issue discussed here so far simply ceases, and the one cheated on is left to pick up the pieces and go about moving on.

    If either of us ever were to cheat, the other would know.

    We talk about a lot of things. Everything. He's told me things about himself and his past that I know were extremely difficult for him, and vice versa.

    I am HUGE about talking about feelings, actions, anything and everything. In a smarted, university-attending life, I'd have become a therapist myself. As it is, I'm the local flippin agony aunt.

    We discuss everything.

    Oh honey you have no idea! Seriously how would you know if you don't see each other for months at a time?

    +1000.

    OP you're delusional. Get help.
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