Update on Me

[Deleted User] · August 2014

I've got a question. If you stay with this guy, were you planning to have kids with him?

doeydo · August 2014

@pinkrevenge No, neither of us want children.

[Deleted User] · August 2014

doeydo said:

@pinkrevenge No, neither of us want children.

That's the best news I've heard through this whole thing. Could you imagine Mr. I can't do chores or have money or be left alone for two minutes without fucking up being partly responsible for kids?

So, some follow-up questions, because I really want to hear this from you.

1. What would it take to make you break it off, right now? What would be the straw that would break you?

2. Realistically, how many days do you think it will be before you find him doing something wrong again? Do you think it will even last the week?

3. If you were to become sick or injured, could you rely on him to keep you guys afloat? To do the chores or run errands or keep a decent amount of money coming into the house?

4. Have you considered a vibrator? (you don't actually have to answer that one, I'm just saying that vibrators are always there for you when you need them, and they never cheat).

5. Imagine you got your own little one-bedroom or studio apartment. It's you and the cats. You free time is your own. There is no one to complain or to hurt you when you get home. Did the visual make you sad or feel peaceful?

6. If you wanted to try a new career path, hobby, take classes, or join a social outing club, could you do it? Or would taking care of him get in the way?

7. Do you think your FI knows what marriage vows mean, and can he follow them?

8. Realistically, how many times do you think you'll have these same complaints in your marriage?

doeydo · August 2014

bride2b71614 said:

I think you misinterpreted the tone of the PPs in response to your update as annoyance, but I viewed it as concern. From what I'm reading you don't trust him, you don't have sex, he uses his FASD as an excuse for poor behavior, he treats you like a caretaker rather than a lover, and he dissapoints you time and time again. May I ask why you stay with him? What redeeming qualities does this relationship have? I think we are supportive of each other and listen to each other. He is there for me in my blubbering, nonsensical moments. He understands and tries to help with my anxiety, PTSD, and my general weirdness. We like the most of the same movies and shows and we both like to stay in most of the time but sometimes go out, too. We like to hold hands and do a little bit of PDA. He kills the bugs and carries the heavy groceries. We make dinner together or take turns. In a lot of ways, he is more of a neat freak than I am. He is usually the one to say that we have to do dishes or laundry or whatever. If you are staying in this relationship to avoid being alone, or because you invested too much time in it, or because you feel guilty about what will happen if you leave, you need to realize that you deserve better than this. Relationships are a two way street. You've invested time and energy and really want this to work out, but you need to realize that he is incapable of reciprocating your efforts. When you marry someone, you can live with their flaws. In this case, I don't think you can look yourself in the mirror and say with a straight face "I can live with worrying constantly about whether or not he's being faithful." Please seek help from a different therapist, and please continue to use the boards as a support system. ETA: @doeydo‌, these questions were asked in the last thread and you never answered them. Maybe the good qualities have been lost because everything we read has been negative.

decembergrl2014 · August 2014

I don't know if nanny software is compatible with XBox's or not. Maybe you can put spyware on his phone and computer. My friend's sister used one that tracked EVERYTHING...texts, emails, websites and it recorded every phone conversation. If he went on a website that she didn't like she could block it. It also tracked locations, so she could see if he was lying about his whereabouts. He didn't know anything about it. Supposedly they're untraceable. Think about it though...Is this what you want from your relationship? Do you really want this extra weight on your shoulders, this anxiety? This is what you're doing by staying with him. The way I see it you have 2 choices...either move on with your life without him, or stay and maybe try to be less rigid and consider watching it with him. Now, you have a serious trust issue with him, and that's a VERY difficult thing to overcome.

jenajjthr · August 2014

doeydo said:

kkitkat79 said:

Why don't you watch porn together? It might be awkward at first, but maybe you could work with some of his impulse control problems and not against them? Just lie in bed together and watch some movies. So what if they are x-rated? I am open to trying this. I don't know about him, though, since he was against an open relationship or altering the boundaries on the relationship somewhat. The problem is that he cannot change and he will not change. He can love you to the moon and back, but his brain does not work properly. Are there any other problems that are really hard for you to deal with? I've read that he is not good with money, is that something that you've worked out? Yes, there is the money thing and I think our current banking situation is working for us. He also seems to lie instead of coming clean about something. For example, he has quit smoking in the past only to go back to it but not tell me and try to keep it hidden from me. If the main issue is him watching porn then maybe the way to deal with it is to experience it together? I don't know, I am not a professional, just seems like something worth trying if you want to stay in the relationship. I agree with the PPs that said that you first have to decide whether you are willing to accept him they way he is now. Because he will not change.

So let me get this straight, he doesn't want you to find another person to help fulfill your needs, but he won't stop doing things that hurt you but fulfill his needs? And he lies instead of being open and honest with you when he has a set back?

I'm going to stop being nice at this point and lay it out straight for you. Stop coddling as another PP pointed out. I've said it in previous posts and I'll say it again, you are in an abusive relationship and you need to get out. His FASD is irrelavent at this point. This is his crutch that he uses to control you. You use it as a reason to stay, to give it another chance. (I used my kids).

This asshole will never change!!!! His impulse control will never change. His desire to change will never change!!! He will always find a way to look at porn, talk to other women, lie to you, make you feel miserable, turn you into the caretaker/mom, treat you like shit!!!! No matter how much counseling you go to as a couple or as individuals. What you have now will always be what you have in the future!!!! In fact it will probably get worse.

The looking at porn will and talking to women will lose their luster and he will NEED more. Then it will be actually sleeping with other women. If he has such low impulse control, will he think of using protection for himself....for you? What diseases will he get, give to you? How will you feel if years from now you find out you have an STD? Or if god forbid it's an STD that could be passed down to your children...HIV.

Really? Is this how you want your future to look like? Constantly living in fear of what he's doing, who he is doing it with? I know you have invested a lot with this man. Emotionally and financially. I know it is a lot to throw away. I had to throw away 20 years of my life, my kids had to lose their dad. I almost wish I had listened to my gut all those years ago on my wedding day and never walked down that aisle, or the days leading up to it. They only reason I say "almost" is because of my kids, they are my everything and I wouldn't trade them out of my life. But at this moment you don't have children, you are free to walk away. You NEED to walk away, scratch that RUN away.

AddieCake · August 2014

Refresh me, as I either missed it or have forgotten. What are his reasons for rejecting sex with you? I keep forgetting that's one of the issues, and since he likes porn and stuff, it's troubling me that he's into that while not being into sex with you.

[Deleted User] · August 2014

I feel like "he carries groceries and watches tv and talks to me" is pretty much the most absolute basic thing that a partner could ever do. Almost anyone with a pulse could manage that.

A handful of women on here have personally offered to travel to you, help you pack your shit, and move out. You're not stuck, not financially, not physically, not legally, and not even logistically. Short of kidnapping you and facing jail time, there's nothing more that the ladies here can really do. You have to make the first step, and now is such a perfect time it's like the clouds parted and the angels are singing.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHDOEYDOWAKEUPANDGETOUTOFTHEREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

beethery · August 2014

pinkrevenge said:

doeydo said:

@pinkrevenge No, neither of us want children.

That's the best news I've heard through this whole thing. Could you imagine Mr. I can't do chores or have money or be left alone for two minutes without fucking up being partly responsible for kids?

So, some follow-up questions, because I really want to hear this from you.

1. What would it take to make you break it off, right now? What would be the straw that would break you?

2. Realistically, how many days do you think it will be before you find him doing something wrong again? Do you think it will even last the week?

3. If you were to become sick or injured, could you rely on him to keep you guys afloat? To do the chores or run errands or keep a decent amount of money coming into the house?

4. Have you considered a vibrator? (you don't actually have to answer that one, I'm just saying that vibrators are always there for you when you need them, and they never cheat).

5. Imagine you got your own little one-bedroom or studio apartment. It's you and the cats. You free time is your own. There is no one to complain or to hurt you when you get home. Did the visual make you sad or feel peaceful?

6. If you wanted to try a new career path, hobby, take classes, or join a social outing club, could you do it? Or would taking care of him get in the way?

7. Do you think your FI knows what marriage vows mean, and can he follow them?

8. Realistically, how many times do you think you'll have these same complaints in your marriage?

Re: Bolded

Took less than a day the last time.

decembergrl2014 · August 2014

Life is too short to spend it unhappy.

chibiyui · August 2014

When I got out of a less than great relationship, one of the qualities I listed of my ex was "he was usually nice to me"

Nice is a fucking common courtesy, not a relationship quality.

DTMFA.

doeydo · August 2014

pinkrevenge said:

doeydo said:

@pinkrevenge No, neither of us want children.

That's the best news I've heard through this whole thing. Could you imagine Mr. I can't do chores or have money or be left alone for two minutes without fucking up being partly responsible for kids?

So, some follow-up questions, because I really want to hear this from you.

1. What would it take to make you break it off, right now? What would be the straw that would break you? I'm not sure. If I found concrete evidence of him actually meeting up to cheat with women, that would be it. Or if he ever laid a hand on me in anger or said horrible stuff to me (ie. I'm a worthless piece of shit). If he didn't take no for an answer. If he ever harmed my cats or another animal on purpose.

2. Realistically, how many days do you think it will be before you find him doing something wrong again? Do you think it will even last the week? I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. I guess I just hope that the nanny software will deter or stop him from getting to the sites in the first place.

3. If you were to become sick or injured, could you rely on him to keep you guys afloat? To do the chores or run errands or keep a decent amount of money coming into the house? Yes, I think so. He couldn't manage the money coming in, though. So I would have to hobble on down to the bank with him to manage the money in the accounts, perhaps order groceries by phone or online to be delivered and do the rest of the bills online.

4. Have you considered a vibrator? (you don't actually have to answer that one, I'm just saying that vibrators are always there for you when you need them, and they never cheat). I already have a plug-in one that is kind of amazing.

5. Imagine you got your own little one-bedroom or studio apartment. It's you and the cats. You free time is your own. There is no one to complain or to hurt you when you get home. Did the visual make you sad or feel peaceful? The first two sentences make me sad/lonely, the last two sentences sound better I guess.

6. If you wanted to try a new career path, hobby, take classes, or join a social outing club, could you do it? Or would taking care of him get in the way? I think I could do it. My therapist thinks it is a good idea for me to do those sorts of things to build and broaden my life a bit. Right now, I only go to a LGBTQ+ group once a month.

7. Do you think your FI knows what marriage vows mean, and can he follow them? I think so. I don't know, but we're putting off the wedding for sure.

8. Realistically, how many times do you think you'll have these same complaints in your marriage? I'm not sure. It hasn't been that often through our relationship, but recently it has been a couple of times in a row.

theartistformerlyknownas · August 2014

Girl. Marriage vows say NOTHING about carrying groceries, killing bugs, liking the same movies and holding hands.

This is what ours do say, bolded for emphasis.

Do you, FI take this woman, Lolo as your wife, to love her and to honor her, to nurture, serve and support her, in times of joy and in times of difficulty? Do you promise to remain by her side regardless of what trouble befalls you, and in the presence of temptation to forsake this love, do you promise to remain steadfast and true? Do you promise with all your heart and soul to honor this vow till death do you part? If so answer now, "I do."

Can he promise you even ONE of those things? For a week, let alone with all his heart and soul til death do you part?

YOU DON'T MARRY A MAN FOR BUG KILLING CAPACITY. You know who can do all those things for you? YOUR CATS. Great emotional support, movie watching companions and pest control.

BreMR · August 2014

I wish my cat killed bugs :-/

[Deleted User] · August 2014

BreMR said:

I wish my cat killed bugs :-/

I found that a bottle of raid and an exterminator work awesome.

And hand vacs; they're amazing.

But basically, seems to me like Doeydo is convinced that because she's introverted she should settle for someone maybe two steps up from Poppeye The Strong-Handed Pimp.

"I hope the nanny software will make him stop" - seeing as he can turn it off, use another device that doesn't have it, and hand over his phone TWICE in ONE WEEK and get busted and still have a girlfriend to pick up after him? Yeah, I won't hold my breath.

[Deleted User] · August 2014

Hey Doeydo, you know how many times I've complained about my H betraying me in the entire eight years we've been together?

NOT ONCE.

"It hasn't been that often" is possibly the most depressing, delusional thing I've read in a long time.

Also, your answer to #3, let me translate that for you. "Yes, he could manage the home like money and chores and groceries, except not the money, and not the groceries, and not the litter box so not any chores with a smell, and ..."

Yeah, that's a "No".

BreMR · August 2014

snippet17 said:

MUD

It's the only hope I have left to cling to in this whole thing.

doeydo · August 2014

AddieCake said:

Refresh me, as I either missed it or have forgotten. What are his reasons for rejecting sex with you? I keep forgetting that's one of the issues, and since he likes porn and stuff, it's troubling me that he's into that while not being into sex with you.

He has low testosterone and is waiting to see a specialist. Also, apparently the porn and cam websites do the sex addiction thing for him, but sex with me is just regular and doesn't do that for him, though he says I am beautiful and whatnot. I have offered to "spice things up" before by watching porn together or whatever but he was against that because he didn't want "us" or sex with me to be part of that unhealthy, sex addiction.

beethery · August 2014

Most can appreciate beauty without needing to fuck the source. He's a terrible asshole and you know GOOD AND WELL that it would serve you best to remove yourself from his asshole(ness).

lc07 · August 2014

I'm sad about H and I not being together anymore. It's not what I wanted to happen. I am mourning the loss of what I had hoped our relationship could be.

And now I live alone with my cat.

But there are perks!

-I no longer have anxiety related to H stuff

-I sleep in the bed like a giant starfish

-Way less cleaning / laundry / dishes (even though we shared that work load)

-I can do whatever I want without working in someone else's schedule

-The time I used to spend with my H I am now spending on new things that interest me that I didn't really ever give time to before

I can't imagine ever dating again. (It's only been 3 months since we've been apart, I have no desire to date). I can't imagine anyone wanting to date me again which I know is illogical, but whatever, I still feel that way. So there is some loneliness at times. But that's okay. It's character building. And I'd rather be lonely than scared and stuck.

I'm doing me things, which are really fun. The empty space has kind of forced me to and I'm learning a lot about myself and liking myself more and more as I do more "me" things. I think if you had better self esteem you would see all of this differently.

I go to therapy once a week and see a psychiatrist for medication and to talk about physical health.

It's hard to make the choice to leave, and you go through different stages of dealing with the loss afterwards, but it does get easier and there are more plusses than minuses.

steph861 · August 2014

lolo883 said:

Girl. Marriage vows say NOTHING about carrying groceries, killing bugs, liking the same movies and holding hands.

This is what ours do say, bolded for emphasis.

Do you, FI take this woman, Lolo as your wife, to love her and to honor her, to nurture, serve and support her, in times of joy and in times of difficulty? Do you promise to remain by her side regardless of what trouble befalls you, and in the presence of temptation to forsake this love, do you promise to remain steadfast and true? Do you promise with all your heart and soul to honor this vow till death do you part? If so answer now, "I do."

Can he promise you even ONE of those things? For a week, let alone with all his heart and soul til death do you part?

YOU DON'T MARRY A MAN FOR BUG KILLING CAPACITY. You know who can do all those things for you? YOUR CATS. Great emotional support, movie watching companions and pest control.

I'm sorry, I know this is serious, but this made me laugh out loud.

steph861 · August 2014

doeydo said:

AddieCake said:

Refresh me, as I either missed it or have forgotten. What are his reasons for rejecting sex with you? I keep forgetting that's one of the issues, and since he likes porn and stuff, it's troubling me that he's into that while not being into sex with you.

He has low testosterone and is waiting to see a specialist. Also, apparently the porn and cam websites do the sex addiction thing for him, but sex with me is just regular and doesn't do that for him, though he says I am beautiful and whatnot. I have offered to "spice things up" before by watching porn together or whatever but he was against that because he didn't want "us" or sex with me to be part of that unhealthy, sex addiction.

There are two things you need to realize here:

1. He will keep pushing the boundaries to maintain the thrill. That's how addiction works.

2. Fixing his testosterone levels will make this exponentially worse. Then he actually will want sex. Combine that with the boundary pushing, and he will almost certainly start seeking out sex with other people.

This will very likely lead to physical cheating and the possibility of STDs and/or impregnating a random girl(s). The consequences of both of those things are permanent.* Are you prepared to deal with that?

*Not all STDs are permanent, but that's really beside the point here.

Kauris · August 2014

doeydo said: I think we are supportive of each other and listen to each other. He is there for me in my blubbering, nonsensical moments. He understands and tries to help with my anxiety, PTSD, and my general weirdness. We like the most of the same movies and shows and we both like to stay in most of the time but sometimes go out, too. We like to hold hands and do a little bit of PDA. He kills the bugs and carries the heavy groceries. We make dinner together or take turns. In a lot of ways, he is more of a neat freak than I am. He is usually the one to say that we have to do dishes or laundry or whatever.

@Doeydo, I really am on your side. I really hope you finally do what is best for you. I really hope you break this pattern and find the happiness that you very seemingly deserve. That being said, I am going to say this next line from a very loving place... I've had better fucking roommates than what your FI provides you.

Good luck and I hope you break this cycle, you deserve better woman!

jenajjthr · August 2014

Doeydo I find it interesting that you will address other people's posts but not mine, the person who went through a relationship like yours. A person who had to face a SO who cheated on her. A SO who is abused her. Yours is doing both. Yet you keep making excuses for him, like I did. Leave, leave, leave. As much as I would love to say your relationship is the one that will beat the odds, he will make a 180 degree change. Life is full of puppies and rainbows. This isn't a movie, this is real life. Who he is now, is who he is. He is making you so very unhappy, that is never going to change. "I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. I guess I just hope that the nanny software will deter or stop him from getting to the sites in the first place." He can turn this off, he can have another device, he can uninstall, then reinstall. Shit, he can say the FASD made him do it and you will buy it, hook, line, and sinker. You shouldn't have to hope, you shouldn't have to police him. He should want, at the very least, to promise you to never, ever go online unless in your presence. He can't even do that. "If he ever harmed my cats or another animal on purpose." He is harming you, on purpose. Are you less important than your cats? I know you think that the FASD gives him some leeway, but it doesn't. Not at this point. A person who really, really wants to make better choices actually tries. In less than a day he was back on his phone looking at sites. He doesn't want you watching porn with him because it would take away from the thrill of hiding it from you. I am no sex expert but I bet at this point he can only get aroused and get off by watching porn behind your back because it has become taboo. Normal sex with you doesn't give that thrill, hence you don't have it much anymore. At some point even porn won't do it for him anymore and he will have to escalate to keep getting the release he desires.

SammiNJonni · August 2014

Doey watching movies with you and carrying groceries a roommate can do those.

I agree with previous posters that he is turning to porn instead of you because of the taboo. Soon not even that will be enough and he will physically cheat. Why wait for the inevitable to happen and go through even more pain when it does.

Not all abuse is physical and what he is doing to you is abusing you. You should not wait until he does lay a hand on you or the cats to leave but do so now and begin rebuilding yourself. I still think you also need a new therapist who is not connected to your couples therapy and can really help you.

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826 · August 2014

Other PP's have said it all better than me, so here is a hug for my Canadian sister:

AddieCake · August 2014

My husband and I watch porn together. We also both watch it without each other. I don't see how that would make you part of his unhealthy sex addiction. Additionally, you can have a sex life that is spicier than vanilla "regular." If he is into "interesting" things, then he needs to be into them with you. If YOU'RE not into them, then you are not sexually compatible and shouldn't be together anyway. It sounds like an excuse to keep you at bay. It doesn't make sense for him to watch porn, get turned on by what he sees but not want to act on those feelings with you.

doeydo · August 2014

He watches girls alone on cam being all "hey look at these boobs" sort of thing and he likes girl on girl pornos. I can't stand those types (the women always look the same, most are faking that they are into women, have freakishly long fingernails that look like they would cause discomfort and pain for the other woman). Porn that tickles my fancy is usually made for women, for example a butch woman and femme woman getting it on.

doeydo · August 2014

smichek said:

I agree with the PPs. We care about you doey, and we want you to see how bad this situation is. You deserve someone who will go to the moon and back for you.

Please ask yourself these questions: If you were so sick that you needed help opening things, getting dressed, and going to the bathroom, would he help you? Yes, I think he would. Seriously, would he open your medicine bottle or even a jar of salsa if you were too weak to? Yes, I believe so. Would he sit on the floor and put your socks on for you because you're too weak? If I was literally incapable of doing it, yes I think he would. If you were vomiting, would he get over the stench and ick-factor and FASD to sit on the bathroom floor with you? No. I was sick once and had been vomiting in the bathroom, and he just told me to close the door. That pissed me right off.

I ask those questions because they're all things I've had to do. Some days my FI is too weak to put his socks on and I sit on the floor and do it for him. He regularly needs me to open things for him. I can't handle vomit, like at all. If I hear it, see it, smell it...chances are, I will vomit too. But I push through it for FI. I've sat on the bathroom floor and held his vomit-covered dentures in one hand and rubbed his back with my clean hand while silently telling myself "you will not vomit. you are fine. you will not vomit. Be here for FI. you will not vomit." I've stayed up for nearly 72 hours straight to watch him sleep in a hospital bed and help him go to the bathroom when the meds they gave him made him have to pee every 45 minutes. I've cried and slept in random chairs and corners of random hospitals because I'm scared and exhausted but I don't want to go home to sleep because I don't want him to wake up alone in a hospital bed. I've stayed up for hours contacting every last family member to let them know it's just pneumonia and his cancer isn't back. I've yelled at his family members who had the nerve to call and wake him up when he's in the hospital trying to sleep. And most importantly, I know my FI would do the same things for me. You want a FI who will do those things for you.

Screw FASD. Screw the low testosterone. Screw the excuses. Be with someone who would go to the ends of the earth for you even if it wasn't comfortable and easy for them.

ETF: TK so rudely ate my paragraphs.

jenajjthr · August 2014

doeydo said:

smichek said:

I agree with the PPs. We care about you doey, and we want you to see how bad this situation is. You deserve someone who will go to the moon and back for you.

Please ask yourself these questions: If you were so sick that you needed help opening things, getting dressed, and going to the bathroom, would he help you? Yes, I think he would. Seriously, would he open your medicine bottle or even a jar of salsa if you were too weak to? Yes, I believe so. Would he sit on the floor and put your socks on for you because you're too weak? If I was literally incapable of doing it, yes I think he would. If you were vomiting, would he get over the stench and ick-factor and FASD to sit on the bathroom floor with you? No. I was sick once and had been vomiting in the bathroom, and he just told me to close the door. That pissed me right off.

I ask those questions because they're all things I've had to do. Some days my FI is too weak to put his socks on and I sit on the floor and do it for him. He regularly needs me to open things for him. I can't handle vomit, like at all. If I hear it, see it, smell it...chances are, I will vomit too. But I push through it for FI. I've sat on the bathroom floor and held his vomit-covered dentures in one hand and rubbed his back with my clean hand while silently telling myself "you will not vomit. you are fine. you will not vomit. Be here for FI. you will not vomit." I've stayed up for nearly 72 hours straight to watch him sleep in a hospital bed and help him go to the bathroom when the meds they gave him made him have to pee every 45 minutes. I've cried and slept in random chairs and corners of random hospitals because I'm scared and exhausted but I don't want to go home to sleep because I don't want him to wake up alone in a hospital bed. I've stayed up for hours contacting every last family member to let them know it's just pneumonia and his cancer isn't back. I've yelled at his family members who had the nerve to call and wake him up when he's in the hospital trying to sleep. And most importantly, I know my FI would do the same things for me. You want a FI who will do those things for you.

Screw FASD. Screw the low testosterone. Screw the excuses. Be with someone who would go to the ends of the earth for you even if it wasn't comfortable and easy for them.

ETF: TK so rudely ate my paragraphs.

Doeydo,

So, my ex, you know the one who abused me and cheated on me? When I left him I got sick, really sick, coming out both ends sick. Even he came over and helped clean me up after I got sick in the bathroom. He did this, not because he cared about me so much, but because our oldest called him and asked for help and he does love him. But he still came over and helped. Yours said "Close the door" and he is still with you!!!! Do you see this? One who didn't love me or care about me, helped me. One who is supposed to love you, support you, in sickness and health told you to shut the door.

I get it, I'm sensitive to vomit. The sound and smell want me to join in. But I close my eyes, breath through my mouth and suck it up. My kids need me by their side when they are sick. When a partner is sick the same goes for them. That love and support means the world to a person who isn't feeling well. For him to leave you all alone, yet again, says even more about him.

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