Bridesmaid with Hot Pink Hair

southernbelle0915 · September 2014

sobocinn said:
To me, hair cuts, piercing, etc. are irrelevant because I don't care if my sister gets a tattoo on her face, one of those monroe piercings, etc before my wedding. She can gain 100 lbs and get a pixie cut for all I care. I am just not a fan of hot pink hair in my wedding photos so that is something that is relevant to me.

I would never TELL someone to change. I would politely ask to tone stuff down.

I call BS on the first paragraph. Someone worried about pink hair in a picture isn't worried about face tattoos, hair cuts, and facial piercings? Sorry, I can't buy it. Did you have a traumatic experience with the color pink or something?

How do you not understand that asking someone to "tone stuff down" means that they will need to change something. You're just phrasing it in a way that makes you feel better about it.

ETF spelling

slothiegal · September 2014

sobocinn said: @MagicInk Okay, my apologies. My friend wears vibrant and wild colors that I've never seen worn before in my life. I'm very sorry I offended you, and I truly mean that. I should've known better than to mention that twice because it's no reason to differentiate whether he's a friend or has a different sexuality. That was very inconsiderate on my part. I think it's really great that you put pink streaks in your hair for breast cancer awareness.
@mrsmagicgeek When I said not changing them, I meant as in personality wise. I would never want to take away something that makes someone feel like their identity is taken away. I should've made that more clear!
@pinkrevenge I don't think I'm superior to anyone, but you can go ahead and keep assuming things of me when you truly have no clue who I am. I think it's ridiculous that I'm being attacked for my personal opinion, and it makes me sad that there are people out there in this world that can't say"I don't agree with your opinion, nor do I like it... But at the end of the day, it has no effect on me so let's agree to disagree." I also find it sad and pathetic that people can't express themselves in a post without using appropriate language. But hey, I guess people feel free to freak out and curse on whoever they want from behind a keyboard... I guess I'm just used to socializing with people in professional settings where we need to respect and speak to each other like adults. To me, hair cuts, piercing, etc. are irrelevant because I don't care if my sister gets a tattoo on her face, one of those monroe piercings, etc before my wedding. She can gain 100 lbs and get a pixie cut for all I care. I am just not a fan of hot pink hair in my wedding photos so that is something that is relevant to me. Maybe all the things you mentioned are relevant to you if it's stuff that you care about for your wedding. I never said I dislike people with different colored hair. I just personally wouldn't want someone in my bridal party to decide they want lime green hair or something after I've asked them to be in my wedding. To each his own. I respect your opinion and style.

I would never TELL someone to change. I would politely ask to tone stuff down. If someone says no then so what....? It's not the end of the world. If you asked someone to be in your bridal party after they chose a vibrant hair color, huge tattoo, etc., then you knew going into it that they have that kind of style, then you just need to deal with it. Streaks are one thing, but a whole head of hair a more daring color is another (in my opinion.......)The bride said before that she talked to her friend about dying her hair, and the woman was all for it....But now all of a sudden, she isn't. I would have more of an issue with the friend going back on her word than the hair color. I guess that last sentence will be attacked now too.

But don't you think it could be possible that that is part of an identity? I proudly wear and refuse to cover up my scar because it says I'm a survivor I love my piercings because they tell my story (my mom asked if I could take them out/cover them up for my wedding pics and I flat out told her no).

One of my best friends (BM previously mentioned) changes her hair month to month because it makes her feel beautiful. And, although it is not the only reason, we became friends because I was so impressed with how well she knew herself and how little she gave a fuck to what other people thought.

Isn't all of that part of identity?

I'm just truly trying to understand the thought process.

ETA: omg boxes

nicole4793 · September 2014

@southernbelle0915 Like I said, asking them to tone down their appearance isn't asking them to change their personality. And once again, if they say no, it's not a big deal. It's not like it's truly going to effect or ruin the day. I have a few piercings so I guess that's why I'm okay with them. Tattoos are also something that I don't see as a big deal. The only reason I've been mentioning pink is because that's what this whole discussion is based on. I also wouldn't like lime green, bright blue, etc. I guess my only big issue is daring colors as a full hair color. Streaks and whatnot like the bridesmaid from the original post wouldn't bother me what so ever. Phrasing any of this differently truly doesn't make me feel better about my opinion. My opinion is nothing to be embarrassed or feel badly about, just like yours isn't. I truly appreciate that you're able to disagree with my opinion without freaking out though!

southernbelle0915 · September 2014

sobocinn said:

@southernbelle0915 Like I said, asking them to tone down their appearance isn't asking them to change their personality. And once again, if they say no, it's not a big deal. It's not like it's truly going to effect or ruin the day. I have a few piercings so I guess that's why I'm okay with them. Tattoos are also something that I don't see as a big deal. The only reason I've been mentioning pink is because that's what this whole discussion is based on. I also wouldn't like lime green, bright blue, etc. I guess my only big issue is daring colors as a full hair color. Streaks and whatnot like the bridesmaid from the original post wouldn't bother me what so ever. Phrasing any of this differently truly doesn't make me feel better about my opinion. My opinion is nothing to be embarrassed or feel badly about, just like yours isn't. I truly appreciate that you're able to disagree with my opinion without freaking out though!

To the bolded - this is what I really don't get. I agree with you - it's definitely NOT going to ruin the day.

So why make a friend feel obligated to change their appearance? I get you're not saying "Change your hair or else." but you ARE making them feel obligated by asking them to do it. Most friends/family want to please the bride so they'll oblige requests even if the requests are out of line and ridiculous (like asking someone to color, cut, grow out, or "tone down" their hair). So what people are telling you here is not to make ridiculous requests because people will feel obligated.

BMs come here all the time and vent about bride requests like this. How they think the bride is shallow, bitchy and doesn't respect them or love them "as is". While they often do whatever it is anyway, they are hurt, pissed and questioning their friendship with the bride.

So back to the point we agree on - if it isn't going to ruin the day, why put someone you love in that position?

nicole4793 · September 2014

@southernbelle0915 I definitely see your point. Asking the BM to go back to streaks or something might even affect her self-esteem too, which is something I hadn't really considered.

slothiegal · September 2014

sobocinn said:

@southernbelle0915 Like I said, asking them to tone down their appearance isn't asking them to change their personality. And once again, if they say no, it's not a big deal. It's not like it's truly going to effect or ruin the day. I have a few piercings so I guess that's why I'm okay with them. Tattoos are also something that I don't see as a big deal. The only reason I've been mentioning pink is because that's what this whole discussion is based on. I also wouldn't like lime green, bright blue, etc. I guess my only big issue is daring colors as a full hair color. Streaks and whatnot like the bridesmaid from the original post wouldn't bother me what so ever. Phrasing any of this differently truly doesn't make me feel better about my opinion. My opinion is nothing to be embarrassed or feel badly about, just like yours isn't. I truly appreciate that you're able to disagree with my opinion without freaking out though!

You're right, it won't ruin your day--but it could ruin your friend's or your friendship.

I can not IMAGINE asking my best friend, the one who's held me while I've cried and has paid my rent when I couldn't and has held my limp hand while I'm unconscious in a hospital bed, change one god damn thing about herself, including appearance. And if she asked me to do so (and god knows I've done all of the above for her!), I would be incredibly upset. Maybe it wouldn't be the end of our friendship, but my god would I be offended.

She loves me for ME. Flaws, hair, piercings, fuck ups and all. And I, her. And when I got married, I wanted all of her flaws, hair, piercings and fucks up right beside me.

ETA: pronouns!

holyguacamole79 · September 2014

sobocinn said:
@southernbelle0915 I definitely see your point. Asking the BM to go back to streaks or something might even affect her self-esteem too, which is something I hadn't really considered.

I'll put this out there. When my sister asked me if I was planning to grow my hair out for her wedding, it HURT. Is short hair part of my identity? Not really. But it showed me that she cared more about appearances than about the fact that I am her sister. It is still something that upsets me regarding how she handled her wedding. Don't be that person.

[Deleted User] · September 2014

VulgarGirl · September 2014

pinkrevenge said:

I don't have much to add. People have already said what I wanted to say, which is that even asking someone to "tone it down" is offensive and hurtful, and would forever alter my relationship with a person.

But I am going to add that I'll swear all I want because this isn't my work or any other "professional setting". It's the TK. And I like swearing.

Here here!

chibiyui · September 2014

MagicInk said:

pinkrevenge said:

I don't have much to add. People have already said what I wanted to say, which is that even asking someone to "tone it down" is offensive and hurtful, and would forever alter my relationship with a person.

But I am going to add that I'll swear all I want because this isn't my work or any other "professional setting". It's the TK. And I like swearing.

Here here!

Obliga-fucking-tory

LittlePeachBlossom · September 2014

MagicInk said:
I dyed my hair bright pink yesterday, since it's close to October and I always go pink in October for breast cancer awareness. My hair is also a pixie cut. I am covered in tattoos. I have piercings.

Ask me to change or hide one of these things about myself, you might as well be asking me not to be bring FI because a lesbian is gonna make grandma feel weird.

My look, my sexuality, my personality, they are all a part of who I am. You either love the entire package or you go fuck yourself. Frankly, I'm too damn old and too damn tired to give a shit which way you lean. If you're gonna ask me in your wedding and then tell me I can't color my hair, I need to grow my hair out, piercings out, tattoos covered, I'm gonna tell you to go fuck yourself, because we are no longer friends because I'm not gonna put up with people who treat me shitty and basically tell me I'm not good enough the way I am.

Not related to OP. (Hella rude btw)

@MagicInk‌ can we see?? I loe pink hair. I work in corporate so I can't go wild with it but I don't think it'd look good on me anyway

.

BrandNewJ · September 2014

This seriously made me cry happy tears. You put into words everything I feel for my best friend. Your words here are beautiful.

slothiegal said:

sobocinn said:

I can not IMAGINE asking my best friend, the one who's held me while I've cried and has paid my rent when I couldn't and has held my limp hand while I'm unconscious in a hospital bed, change one god damn thing about herself, including appearance....
She loves me for ME. Flaws, hair, piercings, fuck ups and all. And I, her. And when I got married, I wanted all of her flaws, hair, piercings and fucks up right beside me.

ETA: pronouns!

[Deleted User] · September 2014

beethery · September 2014

pinkrevenge said:

Yesterday H pointed out a girl with purple hair and said I would look really cute in that color. Husband, why do you poke my sadness? I miss my pink hair so much that it's always pink in my dreams.

And actually, I'm a BM in a wedding next summer, and the bride asked if I planned to coordinate my hair to my dress

I mean, you have to admit that a rosy, lavender-colored hair would look pretty cool with a purple bridesmaid dress. Romantic, even.

I saw a girl yesterday with hair that exact color you described, and hot pink at the ends. She lookedamazing.

[Deleted User] · September 2014

slothiegal · September 2014

BrandNewJ said:

This seriously made me cry happy tears. You put into words everything I feel for my best friend. Your words here are beautiful.

slothiegal said:

sobocinn said:

I can not IMAGINE asking my best friend, the one who's held me while I've cried and has paid my rent when I couldn't and has held my limp hand while I'm unconscious in a hospital bed, change one god damn thing about herself, including appearance....
She loves me for ME. Flaws, hair, piercings, fuck ups and all. And I, her. And when I got married, I wanted all of her flaws, hair, piercings and fucks up right beside me.

ETA: pronouns!

Awwww thanks!

Everybody call your best friend tonight and tell them how much you love her/him!

flantastic · September 2014

To all who freaked out about "Hitler bride" (and rightfully so, if she's serious) - I'm pretty sure she meant to be facetious. The next comment after (something like "LET IT GO!!!") is also her, but since she's a Knottienumbers I don't blame anyone for not noticing.

She probably tried to be so over the top that she thought her sarcasm was obvious... but we've seen so many snowflakes that it was just a little too real, I think

chelsiesparks · September 2014

Honestly, they are ultimately your pictures that will showcase your big day. You have every right to want them to look the way you want. Asking her to tone it down is not asking her to change who she is. Yes, she is showing her personality through her hair but as a friend you know her personality and that is why it is important to have her in your party. However, I do not look at it as making your friends props any more than dressing them up the way we want for our wedding. Its your wedding, its your big day.

Just wait until closer to the wedding day and ask her politely.

mrsmagicgeek · September 2014

chelsiesparks said:

Honestly, they are ultimately your pictures that will showcase your big day. You have every right to want them to look the way you want. Asking her to tone it down is not asking her to change who she is. Yes, she is showing her personality through her hair but as a friend you know her personality and that is why it is important to have her in your party. However, I do not look at it as making your friends props any more than dressing them up the way we want for our wedding. Its your wedding, its your big day.
Just wait until closer to the wedding day and ask her politely.

No. Changing haircolour is not the same as changing clothes.

AddieCake · September 2014

I just want to say that I use "obscene language" in my real life as well. It's not something I reserve for the anonymity of my keyboard. And I hope when you talk to your gay friend about his makeup he tells you to fuck off.

holyguacamole79 · September 2014

chelsiesparks said:
Honestly, they are ultimately your pictures that will showcase your big day. You have every right to want them to look the way you want. Asking her to tone it down is not asking her to change who she is. Yes, she is showing her personality through her hair but as a friend you know her personality and that is why it is important to have her in your party. However, I do not look at it as making your friends props any more than dressing them up the way we want for our wedding. Its your wedding, its your big day.
Just wait until closer to the wedding day and ask her politely.

Did you not read anything we've been saying? There is no way in hell I'd change something like my hair color for a wedding. If the bride has a problem with that, she can screw herself.

[Deleted User] · September 2014

lurkergirl · September 2014

How did I miss this thread??! I have nothing to add because reading this depleted my supply of fuck you for the month.

southernbelle0915 · September 2014

chelsiesparks said:
Honestly, they are ultimately your pictures that will showcase your big day. You have every right to want them to look the way you want. Asking her to tone it down is not asking her to change who she is. Yes, she is showing her personality through her hair but as a friend you know her personality and that is why it is important to have her in your party. However, I do not look at it as making your friends props any more than dressing them up the way we want for our wedding. Its your wedding, its your big day.
Just wait until closer to the wedding day and ask her politely.

Way to stir the pot. Or you just don't read.

[Deleted User] · September 2014

so.... i'm the bride... and I have purple ombre hair... I've been thinking... do I want the photo's that i'm going to look at for the rest of our lives to show my purple hair... will I love it in ten years? I'm forty... this is our second wedding for both of us... and we're having a barefoot beautiful rustic hipsterish wedding in a friends English garden backyard... but here's the thing... the purple hair... the nose ring... the tattoos... those are the things that show who I am... they are the things my Beloved fell in love with... I still haven't decided what i'm going to do... but probably whatever I want to do at the moment... bottom line... you can't ask her to change herself for you... you can however love your friend the way she is... I will say this... I am a big girl... and most of my friends got married when they were in their early early twenties... and they wanted perfect looking wedding parties... so... because I was bigger I wasn't asked to be in any of their weddings... these were my best friends since SECOND grade... one was my best friend since birth... and you can never know how much that hurt me... the girls that were their bridesmaids... they haven't seen some of them SINCE their wedding... it still hurts me if I think about it... so love your friend the way she is... if she is bold enough to change her hair color like that... she's probably pretty awesome....

MegEn1 · September 2014

I want to dye my hair now in the worst possible way.

mrscomposer · September 2014

Hey! I thought of a solution!

If you offer to (slowly, carefully, and in a healthful manner) pay for her to turn her hair a colour that is appropriate for "your vision" of "your day", and then (slowly, carefully, and in a healthful manner) pay for her to return her hair to what you originally disapproved of - then go right ahead!

(This coming from a bride who will decide three days before her wedding whether she'll have bright purple or bright red streaks in her hair).

holyguacamole79 · September 2014

jsangel1018 said:

Hey! I thought of a solution!
If you offer to (slowly, carefully, and in a healthful manner) pay for her to turn her hair a colour that is appropriate for "your vision" of "your day", and then (slowly, carefully, and in a healthful manner) pay for her to return her hair to what you originally disapproved of - then go right ahead!
(This coming from a bride who will decide three days before her wedding whether she'll have bright purple or bright red streaks in her hair).

Seriously!??! The only "vision" I had for "my day" was that the women most important to me were standing by my side. If the hair color matters that much, hire a fuckin model.

princessofgenovia · September 2014

jennajones24 said:

so.... i'm the bride... and I have purple ombre hair... I've been thinking... do I want the photo's that i'm going to look at for the rest of our lives to show my purple hair... will I love it in ten years? I'm forty... this is our second wedding for both of us... and we're having a barefoot beautiful rustic hipsterish wedding in a friends English garden backyard... but here's the thing... the purple hair... the nose ring... the tattoos... those are the things that show who I am... they are the things my Beloved fell in love with... I still haven't decided what i'm going to do... but probably whatever I want to do at the moment... bottom line... you can't ask her to change herself for you... you can however love your friend the way she is... I will say this... I am a big girl... and most of my friends got married when they were in their early early twenties... and they wanted perfect looking wedding parties... so... because I was bigger I wasn't asked to be in any of their weddings... these were my best friends since SECOND grade... one was my best friend since birth... and you can never know how much that hurt me... the girls that were their bridesmaids... they haven't seen some of them SINCE their wedding... it still hurts me if I think about it... so love your friend the way she is... if she is bold enough to change her hair color like that... she's probably pretty awesome....

That is so fucked up and I'm sorry your friends were so shitty to you. I'm pissed on your behalf. One of the girls I'm thinking of asking to stand with me is a big girl. I give zero shits. What I do care about is how she's always been there for me, how she makes me laugh, how we cried together when our friend died, how she encouraged me to go to grad school and then sent me care packages when I was stressed. The size of her waist is totally unimportant, the size of her heart is what matters to me.

Knottie76885396 · September 2014

I think that if it's really important to you, you need to make sure that when you bring it up with her that you are considerate of her feelings. Make sure that you approach it in a way that she doesn't feel personally affronted, or that you have a problem with her look. See what compromises you can come up with.

As an alternative to her dying her hair or toning it down for a single day, what about the idea of a natural looking wig, extensions, etc.? You don't have to spend a stupid amount of money, or have her wear something fake looking, but it might be a nice compromise to help tie in with the more traditional affair without her compromising who she is.

Bridesmaid with Hot Pink Hair

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