Registry Concerns

Maggie0829 · October 2014

StickEmUpKitty said:

Off to enjoy my day. Hope you all enjoy yours. If you reply and I don't. I probably won't ever see what you said. Once I close my browser i can't find anything on this site. Its not very easy to navigate the billion threads.

StickEmUpKitty · October 2014

We want to do both. We have a full week. We want to spend some days sightseeing. And other days just relaxing by the water.

flantastic · October 2014

StickEmUpKitty said:

And if they don't like it they don't have to use it. And if they talk shit behind my back then I'll never know. I don't care you guys. Its a fun laid back day. No stuffy rules here. My family isn't that way and either am I.

You don't care if they talk shit behind your back?

Do you care if they are comfortable at your wedding?

ETA: The "stuffy rules" exist because they prevent you making an ass of yourself and being a jerk to others. But if you don't care about that, then by all means go ahead with your plans.

Maggie0829 · October 2014

flantastic said:

StickEmUpKitty said:

And if they don't like it they don't have to use it. And if they talk shit behind my back then I'll never know. I don't care you guys. Its a fun laid back day. No stuffy rules here. My family isn't that way and either am I.

You don't care if they talk shit behind your back?
Do you care if they are comfortable at your wedding?

I have the feeling that answer is most likely no.

penguin44 · October 2014

I should have worded it better. I wouldn't want anyone to DONATE to ANY of my vacations. Whether it be the honeymoon or a yearly trip. That would make me uncomfortable.

chibiyui · October 2014

StickEmUpKitty said:

Off to enjoy my day. Hope you all enjoy yours. If you reply and I don't. I probably won't ever see what you said. Once I close my browser i can't find anything on this site. Its not very easy to navigate the billion threads.

Wut. It's 2014, it's not that hard to use the internet.

KatieinBkln · October 2014

chibiyui said:

StickEmUpKitty said:

Off to enjoy my day. Hope you all enjoy yours. If you reply and I don't. I probably won't ever see what you said. Once I close my browser i can't find anything on this site. Its not very easy to navigate the billion threads.

Wut. It's 2014, it's not that hard to use the internet.

Damn it, you beat me to it!

Jells2dot0 · October 2014

WTF TK?!?! I never got a notification that I was tagged in this post.

I posted this earlier on another board. It's inline with what Penguin said:

wedding registries are primarily used for bridal showers. Bridal showers came about to shower the couple with gifts to start their new marriage off on the right foot, as it was assumed back in the day that the new couple would be starting off married in a brand new home, having never lived together. Items on a traditional registry are usually things a couple would need for daily use- towels, sheets, pots, kitchen utensils, etc. These items are not really considered luxuries, but rather necessities to properly run a home. And, again, the purpose of a shower (where registries stemmed from) is to give gifts. It's a known gift giving event.

A honeymoon is definitely a luxury. Many of your guests may not even be able to afford a vacation of their own!

To add on to that, as pps said, you should never include registry info on a wedding invite. They are not specifically meant to be gift giving events. If you only have a honeyfund, you are getting a check in the mail. So, there is no gift to open at a shower and therefore, no need to have a bridal shower. If you don't have a bridal shower, then technically, you don't need a registry.

KatWAG · October 2014

I am so glad I came back after @stickemupkitty said GBCK. I dont think I could handle another princess who doesnt think stuffy rules like simple etiquette apply to her.

And can someone please explain to me why you would go through all the trouble of paying the HM fund fees yourself (as to not put them on the gift giver)??? Isn't cash easier?

KatWAG · October 2014

StickEmUpKitty said:

Katwag mentioned no one wants to pay for your sexfest. And Penguin44 said something about no one wanting to pay for her week of sex. Can we move on now? Thanks.

I guess I didnt have my sarcasm font on. Oops.

theartistformerlyknownas · October 2014

Jells2dot0 said:

WTF TK?!?! I never got a notification that I was tagged in this post.

I posted this earlier on another board. It's inline with what Penguin said:

wedding registries are primarily used for bridal showers. Bridal showers came about to shower the couple with gifts to start their new marriage off on the right foot, as it was assumed back in the day that the new couple would be starting off married in a brand new home, having never lived together. Items on a traditional registry are usually things a couple would need for daily use- towels, sheets, pots, kitchen utensils, etc. These items are not really considered luxuries, but rather necessities to properly run a home. And, again, the purpose of a shower (where registries stemmed from) is to give gifts. It's a known gift giving event.

A honeymoon is definitely a luxury. Many of your guests may not even be able to afford a vacation of their own!

To add on to that, as pps said, you should never include registry info on a wedding invite. They are not specifically meant to be gift giving events. If you only have a honeyfund, you are getting a check in the mail. So, there is no gift to open at a shower and therefore, no need to have a bridal shower. If you don't have a bridal shower, then technically, you don't need a registry.

This is my primary gripe with honeymoon registries. How wonderful for you that you couldn't think of a single household good you would like to stock your marital home with, but you think you're entitled to ask someone to pay for you to go swimming with dolphins? I was fortunate enough to go on a nice honeymoon (which we paid for ourselves, after having paid for our whole wedding, thankyouverymuch), but many of my friends and family didn't take a honeymoon - heck, some of them have never traveled outside of our state. It would have been a slap in the face to ask them to fund a vacation for us. "Sorry, friend who bought us really thoughtful but inexpensive salt shakers because it's what you could afford, your only option is $100 toward hang gliding at sunset, which will really turn into a $93 check for me." Not cool.

penguin44 · October 2014

Jells2dot0 said:
WTF TK?!?! I never got a notification that I was tagged in this post.

I posted this earlier on another board. It's inline with what Penguin said:

wedding registries are primarily used for bridal showers. Bridal showers came about to shower the couple with gifts to start their new marriage off on the right foot, as it was assumed back in the day that the new couple would be starting off married in a brand new home, having never lived together. Items on a traditional registry are usually things a couple would need for daily use- towels, sheets, pots, kitchen utensils, etc. These items are not really considered luxuries, but rather necessities to properly run a home. And, again, the purpose of a shower (where registries stemmed from) is to give gifts. It's a known gift giving event.

A honeymoon is definitely a luxury. Many of your guests may not even be able to afford a vacation of their own!

To add on to that, as pps said, you should never include registry info on a wedding invite. They are not specifically meant to be gift giving events. If you only have a honeyfund, you are getting a check in the mail. So, there is no gift to open at a shower and therefore, no need to have a bridal shower. If you don't have a bridal shower, then technically, you don't need a registry.

Thank you. This is what I was trying to say. You did a much better job saying it.

aurianna · October 2014

Ooooh. A butterfly farm! They are fun. We went to one of those on our honeymoon in St. Maarten.
...And we paid for it with the money that guests gave us on their own, unsolicited, without a honeymoon registry.

slothiegal · October 2014

StickEmUpKitty said:

Its 2014

(ETA holy shit I got myself out of the box!!!)

themosthappy91 · October 2014

Oh goodness. This can all be summed up with the following:

You might not think honeyfunds are rude, but many people do. You can't know for sure if any of your family and friends will be among those who think they are rude because most likely if they do they will never ever tell you. One person on your guest list could think it's rude, half could think it's rude, or 99% could think it's rude and you will probably not hear about it. If you are okay with the possibility that any number between "one" and "all" of your guests think you are doing something very rude, then go ahead and have a honeyfund. If not, don't do it.

amelisha · October 2014

SaraBrideSoon said:

StickEmUpKitty said:

That's funny. But if I wanted to write that I would have myself. And if people didn't give gifts through honey fund because they found out so awful then honey fund wouldn't exist. So enough people are cool with it. And those who aren't done have to use it. No big deal. my friend who used it said 90% of her gifts were honeyfund gifts. And almost everyone brought the envelope to the wedding with a print out of what activity they were sending the gift for. Pretty cool. Is there is absolutely no charge on their gift to you to print out that slip.

Anyway to the original poster I just put our info about the registry on our wedding website. No place else. So if they see it they see it. I think maybe offbeatbride might have a more open minded forum where you can get tips on wording etc.

Ugh, offbeatbride is NOT okay with rudeness either, for the record.

MGP · October 2014

lolo883 said:
This is my primary gripe with honeymoon registries. How wonderful for you that you couldn't think of a single household good you would like to stock your marital home with, but you think you're entitled to ask someone to pay for you to go swimming with dolphins? I was fortunate enough to go on a nice honeymoon (which we paid for ourselves, after having paid for our whole wedding, thankyouverymuch), but many of my friends and family didn't take a honeymoon - heck, some of them have never traveled outside of our state. It would have been a slap in the face to ask them to fund a vacation for us. "Sorry, friend who bought us really thoughtful but inexpensive salt shakers because it's what you could afford, your only option is $100 toward hang gliding at sunset, which will really turn into a $93 check for me." Not cool.

This, exactly. A honeymoon is an unnecessary trip and I don't get how people don't feel awful about asking their guests to pay for something that they (meaning their guests) may not be able to afford for themselves. I didn't feel horrible registering for towels and serving platters. What I would have felt horrible would have been to register for a beach dinner and my in laws - who have not flown in over a decade because they can't afford even one airline ticket - felt pressured to buy it.

The only vacations I pay for are for myself. Sorry not sorry.

artbyallie · October 2014

Bottom line here, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL PEOPLE YOU WANT MONEY. Everyone wants money, ergo everyone knows YOU want money. Money is never a bad thing to give/receive as a gift, and such has been the case since its very conception. However, using a website to ask for money, which then pockets some of that money, just tells me that you have no financial sense in the slightest.

ohannabelle · October 2014

Asking for money is rude.

Specifying where you intend to spend the money doesn't make it any better.

Committing crimes against poetry won't make it better.

l9i · October 2014

We had a sizable registry and guess what. We were fortunate to receive many cash gifts. Enought in fact that we could have easily used it to pay for our honeymoon if we so choosed. One that we planned with what we saved and could afford on our own. Also, guess what. This happened without any guests being prompted to give us cash, contribute to a honeyfund, or being ticked off due to rude behavior being discussed- people are smarter than you think

holyguacamole79 · October 2014

l9i said:
We had a sizable registry and guess what. We were fortunate to receive many cash gifts. Enought in fact that we could have easily used it to pay for our honeymoon if we so choosed. One that we planned with what we saved and could afford on our own. Also, guess what. This happened without any guests being prompted to give us cash, contribute to a honeyfund, or being ticked off due to rude behavior being discussed- people are smarter than you think

Ditto.

mrsmagicgeek · October 2014

My DH and I are going to the butterfly farm on St Martin in two weeks

We're also paying for it. ETA: Why does my ticker never show up?

LondonLisa · October 2014

I feel like I am beating a dead horse here because I have said it so much on these forums:

If you spend money (Honeyfund) to get something that would otherwise be free (Not registering) you are HORRIBLE with money! To the point where I would wonder if you were mature/ smart enough to be married in the first place.

Why would you give 7% to someone when you can have it for free?

jellybeann · October 2014

I was a BM in a wedding almost 2 years ago and the bride had a honeyfund. I had never seen one before and I thought it was a cool idea - like, wow I'm going to get them a nice couples' massage in Peru! Guess what? They never went to Peru.

So I guess they just used the check for something else? I would have rather just given them money, but I like getting things off of the registry.

l9i · October 2014

jellybeann said:

I was a BM in a wedding almost 2 years ago and the bride had a honeyfund. I had never seen one before and I thought it was a cool idea - like, wow I'm going to get them a nice couples' massage in Peru! Guess what? They never went to Peru.

So I guess they just used the check for something else? I would have rather just given them money, but I like getting things off of the registry.

THIS. I previously posted about my BM who did a honeyfund and everyone talked shit about it behind her back so she still thinks people liked it... totally forgot they didn't go on their honeymoon! It registry included items for a carribean gateway. They did a weekend wine tasting trip instead. So if I had 'donated' I'd feel slighted....

aurianna · October 2014

mrsmagicgeek said:

My DH and I are going to the butterfly farm on St Martin in two weeks We're also paying for it. ETA: Why does my ticker never show up?

mrsmagicgeek

If either you or your DH are Star Wars fans, check out the Yoda Guy's shop. Not a ton there... but come on... it's the guy who designed Yoda!
Also the Belgian chocolate is yummy and made good gifts even if it did have the tourist up charge price.

southernbelle0915 · October 2014

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE this poem. I'm totally using this for my REAL wedding, which will take place next year. We are going to get SO many experiences from our honeyfund.

I'm going to put this poem on my invitations. Thank you, like SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much. It's really going to help my guests because they'll know that I want money.

Also, all you haters can just stop responding. You all are just jealous of brides. I feel sorry for your husbands. OP is only trying to help other brides-to-be make THEIR day super speshul.

/*sarcasm font

biggrouch · October 2014

I can't believe people who say honeymoon registries are tacky don't see the irony of referring to honeymoons as "sex fests." What could be MORE TACKY than talking about what another person is going to do in bed on his or her vacation?

princessleia22 · October 2014

We also didn't have much to put on a traditional registry and looked into honeymoon funds. At first they seemed like a great idea. I even signed up for them and created the registry. As I looked more into it, and read comments on TK, I started hating honeymoon funds more and more. And my honeymoon registries were deleted before anyone knew about them. Here are the biggest reasons why I've turned against them:

First, they all take a percentage of the gift. So, someone gifts you $100, but you only get $95... seems like a waste. If I'm going to give someone money, I want them to get the full value, not some random company.

The main reason I dislike them is because they really are deceiving to your guests. Most people don't fully understand how the process works. They think that if they purchase you a spa treatment, that it gives you credit at whatever resort toward that treatment, like a gift certificate. But, no... all purchases just give you a big, fat check to use on whatever you want. There is nothing stating that you have to, or intend to, use the gifted money for the purpose stated in the registry. If I buy someone a spa treatment, I want to know that is what my money is being used for, not so they can get trashed at the bar. If I want to give you cash, I'll give you cash. It's not appropriate to lie to me and make me think I'm giving you a tour of the city, when I really just paid $50 to give you a $45 check. I would have rather just given you the $50 directly.

And I know, looking back at the honeymoon fund I had originally set up, it's easy to get over zealous with what activities you list and it's easy to add more than you will actually do. If we had gone scuba diving, swimming with dolphins, spa treatments, fancy dinners every night, and all the other stuff we had originally added to the list, we would have been exhausted. On our actual honeymoon, we did a few activities, but actually preferred to just relax and enjoy each others company... that didn't cost money. If people donate to a certain activity, you have an obligation to do that activity that they are contributing toward. Many people don't. So, you basically are lying to them.

Like others said, if you just don't do a registry or do a very minimal registry, people will get the hint and likely give cash anyway. We did a very small registry and ended up with 95% of our gifts in cash/check/gift card form. People know that money is always an acceptable gift without you having to state it with a cutesy poem or tricking them into it with a honeymoon fund. And when people ask where you are registered, just tell them that you have all the household items you need, so have decided not to do a registry, but are trying to save for honeymoon/new house/etc.

IF you do decide to do a honeymoon fund, which I obviously don't recommend, skip the poem... it's not needed. And be honest about what it is. Make sure people know the fine print about there being fees and that they are gifting you money, not the actual activity the registry states. Or register for a general honeymoon fund, not specific activities, which helps portray that they are contributing to the trip in general, not purchasing a reservation for a specific item. This is much more truthful, although not as cutesy and appealing as registering for candlelit dinner on a beach. If you do register for specific activities, make sure to DO ALL the activities that people contributed towards. Even better, take pictures of you participating in that activity and send them the photo with the thank you card. Like, if Great Aunt Gretta contributed toward scuba diving, go scuba diving and send her a photo of you doing it, so she can see what her money went toward.

Edit: (princessleia22 was formerly known as nicoann)

iloveotters2014 · October 2014

When I see a couple has a hoenyfund I specifically get them either a boxed gift or a gift card to a store. I usually do the gift card to a store since you can't return that for cash

In any other situation I give cash. I seriously doubt I'm the only person who does that when they see a honeyfund.

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