Registry Concerns

JoanE2012 · October 2014

StickEmUpKitty said:

We are having a honeyfund as our main registry and a small registry at crate and barrel for those who prefer that option. But we are a family of 6 and have lived on our own for many years and together for the last two. We have doubles of everything. That being said yes towels and replacement dishes are always nice. So we registered for a few of those things. But honestly the honeyfund is our main registry. I heard great things about it from other friends who had it... I have had several people compliment our registry and say how fun it is that they get to feel involved in helping us plan what fun things to do. They don't have to contribute on the website... they can just bring an envelope to the wedding. If people know you prefer money instead of a picture frame then they rather do that. Thats what I have been told by several friends and family members. Do what you want to do and what makes your day special. Saying you prefer something for your honeymoon is no worse than saying "hey I want these special towels"... Its a wish list... not something they have to do. Don't worry about everyone else here saying how terrible it is if you do it. You know your friends and family best.

That's the mentality! Who gives a shit about the guests?! Have the honeymoon registry. Just make sure to include a cutesy poem, because that makes any rude idea perfectly fine!

StickEmUpKitty · October 2014

No... no poem. But yes to the honeyfund.

StickEmUpKitty · October 2014

if you turn off the online pay feature honeyfund is free. so where is money being spent to get the word out?

mrsmagicgeek · October 2014

StickEmUpKitty said:
No... no poem. But yes to the honeyfund.

You're not going to get anyone here to tell you that something in poor taste is an awesome plan, especially not on the etiquette board.

StickEmUpKitty · October 2014

we have a honeyfund for st martin and we are leaving the night after our wedding. the plane tickets and resort are paid. Our honeyfund is just for stuff to do while we are there. and if people contribute towards that then that is great.. if not we are going anyway.

SachaBee · October 2014

Hey, @tiphenieB, sorry your thread's been so hijacked!! I think what you should probably take away from all this is:

1. While a few people agree with honeyfunds, most do not. Take this board as a microcosm of the world. Maybe 80-90% of your guests will think this is rude, or not understand what they are really being asked to contribute to. That's not good.

2. If you have a small or no registry, everyone will know you want money, which you can then spend doing whatever you want on your honeymoon.

3. NO POEM. Please. That doggerel is objectively terrible. I would be more gentle if you had written it yourself, but since you "found" it, here is the opinion of an actual person with a useless Master's degree in Literature: OH.GOD.NO.

StickEmUpKitty · October 2014

I wasn't looking for approval. I don't see anywhere where I asked for approval either.

Viczaesar · October 2014

StickEmUpKitty said:

I wasn't looking for approval. I don't see anywhere where I asked for approval either.

That's good, since you didn't get approval. What you did get was helpful information about your plans.

StickEmUpKitty · October 2014

Yes I have had helpful advice. But it was all outside this forum.
If it makes you feel good I will say thank you.

Viczaesar · October 2014

StickEmUpKitty said:

Yes I have had helpful advice. But it was all outside this forum. If it makes you feel good I will say thank you.

I really don't care if you say thank you.

[Deleted User] · October 2014

I am pretty open and easy going... This form really gives good insight into how people will view things with the vast difference of demographics, age, and cultures... If 95% of the board is telling you that Honeyfunds are tacky and rude.. chances are over half of the people at your wedding will too. Since you continue to argue it shows you do actually care and probably thinking about it somewhat. Even though you say you dont care. I hate them and find them insulting. You make you and your FI look like you can't afford your vacation thus as a guest making me wonder if you can afford anything in your life. If you cant then you woudlnt be asking for money. If you can't then you shouldn't be going on a trip. There is nothing wrong with a weekend away within driving distance.

MGP · October 2014

RachelLee83 said:

I am pretty open and easy going... This form really gives good insight into how people will view things with the vast difference of demographics, age, and cultures... If 95% of the board is telling you that Honeyfunds are tacky and rude.. chances are over half of the people at your wedding will too. Since you continue to argue it shows you do actually care and probably thinking about it somewhat. Even though you say you dont care. I hate them and find them insulting. You make you and your FI look like you can't afford your vacation thus as a guest making me wonder if you can afford anything in your life. If you cant then you woudlnt be asking for money. If you can't then you shouldn't be going on a trip. There is nothing wrong with a weekend away within driving distance.

Exactly. No one says "please give us money for our road trip to Myrtle Beach". It's always "please give us money for our five star resort in Bora Bora".

Seriously why don't people realize that if they are planning a trip they can't afford that the majority of their wedding guests probably can't afford it either? And why do people think it's appropriate to ask someone else to pay for something they couldn't provide for themselves?

plainjane0415 · October 2014

MGP said:

RachelLee83 said:

I am pretty open and easy going... This form really gives good insight into how people will view things with the vast difference of demographics, age, and cultures... If 95% of the board is telling you that Honeyfunds are tacky and rude.. chances are over half of the people at your wedding will too. Since you continue to argue it shows you do actually care and probably thinking about it somewhat. Even though you say you dont care. I hate them and find them insulting. You make you and your FI look like you can't afford your vacation thus as a guest making me wonder if you can afford anything in your life. If you cant then you woudlnt be asking for money. If you can't then you shouldn't be going on a trip. There is nothing wrong with a weekend away within driving distance.

Exactly. No one says "please give us money for our road trip to Myrtle Beach". It's always "please give us money for our five star resort in Bora Bora".

Seriously why don't people realize that if they are planning a trip they can't afford that the majority of their wedding guests probably can't afford it either? And why do people think it's appropriate to ask someone else to pay for something they couldn't provide for themselves?

THIS. 1000X. I'll say it again, it's not your guests responsibility to fund your vacation......... For the 15th time.

cowgirl8238 · October 2014

If I see someone has a honeyfund I will grab a box and scoop up one of the thousand land mines from my asshole neighbors dog and give it to you with a pretty bow on top!

Yeah, I'm a bitch sometimes, but I seriously can't stand when people ask for money. My Husband and I fund our own vacations, so why can't you!

iloveotters2014 · October 2014

StickEmUpKitty said:

we have a honeyfund for st martin and we are leaving the night after our wedding. the plane tickets and resort are paid. Our honeyfund is just for stuff to do while we are there. and if people contribute towards that then that is great.. if not we are going anyway.

@StickEmUpKitty

My honeymoon was also in St. Martin. I had no honeyfund.....yet we still didn't pay for anything on our honeymoon and we had a full registry. People give cash. Everyone knows that people like cash. We were given PLENTY of cash that we used on our honeymoon.

I guarantee you that you will have guests like me who will see that you are ASKING for cash and specifically not give you cash. Not everyone obviously....but you will probably have better luck just not asking for it.

southernbelle0915 · October 2014

@stickemupkitty - This is for you:

LDay2014 · October 2014

StickEmUpKitty said:
we have a honeyfund for st martin and we are leaving the night after our wedding. the plane tickets and resort are paid. Our honeyfund is just for stuff to do while we are there. and if people contribute towards that then that is great.. if not we are going anyway.

So, logistically speaking, you are leaving the day after your wedding and expect to have received your honeyfund money by then? How are you receiving it and making your reservations for extracurriculars before you fly out?

PS, it's not too hard to get back to threads - that little notification icon at the top right will take you to where you are tagged/replies to.

esstee33 · October 2014

Viczaesar said:

StickEmUpKitty said:

Yes I have had helpful advice. But it was all outside this forum. If it makes you feel good I will say thank you.

I really don't care if you say thank you.

But it's almost like she has manners!

classyduck · October 2014

There has been some really excellent and heartfelt advice given on this thread, and I really hope the OP sees that and considers carefully her choices.

However, I have to say -- especially on the first two pages -- I was disappointed to see how many people had to come here and been humbled by "having their asses handed to them" after their first post or so. Does no one else see the potential "board culture" problem that indicates? PPs were stating it like it was a badge of honor -- like getting hazed for your ignorance is a right of passage to participate here. ... We aren't "greeks" on a college campus. We are adults in a polite society. Can't we be more inclusive?

For all of you whose "asses were handed back" (myself included), there must be several, or many more who NEVER CAME back. I think that is a missed opportunity to help inform other couples!

I want to reiterate -- the substance of the advice given on these forums, and especially the etiquette forum, is exemplary, but sometimes the delivery is... ironically ... rude? Perhaps callous -- and usually the abrasiveness comes from the sometimes cruel use of sarcasm.

I'm sure most knotties identify with the culture of sarcasm on these boards -- in fact most of them probably love it. Over time I grew to tolerate it, and eventually enjoy the playful humor in it, but my feelings too were hurt terribly when I first came here. I'm not kidding, I shed tears. Big fat ones. I actually had a different username, I was so ashamed I remade my account. But I'm glad I tried again, because my wedding will be much more polite than it would have been otherwise.

But, why does this humiliation seem to be a right of passage? I LOVE the honesty and directness of the advice given here (don't compromise that!), but the scathing sarcasm, especially for newcomers, is intimidating. Don't call them twelve, don't insult their character. Criticize, constructively, the bad ideas, not the person.

Let's take the OP as an example (who had a bad idea, but in some cases, was accused of being a bad person): a couple things clued me in to an important need for education here: She referred to etiquette as "stuffy" and stated that if she were having a "black tie event" with tuxes or whatever, that she would observe "it" (etiquette), but didn't feel it necessary for her event. There is a common misconception that etiquette is equivalent to "high society", and my initial assessment is that she is simply not informed on what the essence of etiquette really is! She hears that word, and I imagine it sounds arcane to her, and she conjures up formality and proper speech and monocles or something. When really, good etiquette can be exemplified by the simplest of down home southern comfort -- great hosting, and making your guests excruciatingly comfortable, even if you're doing it in overalls. I believe if this had been explained to her simply, rather than in language that (at times, condescendingly) assumed she already understood this, she may not have taken offense so quickly.

So anyway, I'll end this little testament by saying my complaints here apply to a significant minority of knotties -- the vast majority are very caring and respectful -- and have earned real gratitude from me. But there is a vocal minority that isn't afraid to get nasty and sarcastic fast. THAT is what will tank theknot's reputation, and scare away members that we can help, teach, and could become valued future members. I challenge knotties to call them out and ask them to deliver their excellent ideas in a more constructive way.

P.S. And also, for the mods to have a bit more guts AND finesse (mass purging is counterproductive, if you haven't learned that already; but consistent, predictable, and progressive discipline IS productive. So far I've seen little to no progressive intervention from mods. Either the ax falls, or it doesn't. -- if this has been happening out of my sight, then props on you, and I retract my comments.)

beethery · October 2014

classyduck said:
>P.S. And also, for the mods to have a bit more guts AND finesse (mass purging is counterproductive, if you haven't learned that already; but consistent, predictable, and progressive discipline IS productive. So far I've seen little to no progressive intervention from mods. Either the ax falls, or it doesn't. -- if this has been happening out of my sight, then props on you, and I retract my comments.)

Hi, gutsy broad and also mod here.

When a poster expresses their distaste for criticism, regardless of whether it is constructive or not, they are not going to do well on any forum. If they decide they cannot hack it here, that is not the mods' problem. That is not the other posters' problem. That is their own issue to deal with as they please.

Granted, things get easily misconstrued* when a poster is new to message boards. What usually happens is that some loony-toon who knows her shit breaks etiquette shows up to gloat about whatever nonsense they've decided to partake in and when they've already been outed as a troll, and posters start responding to that person. Then the OP gets confused by the responses (thinking they are directed at them) and then becomes angry, and probably flounces. It happens all the time.

Our job as mods is not to introduce posters to how the internet or message boards work. If they can not figure out that posting on an open forum is going to get them feedback, negative of positive, that is their own issue to deal with. We will warn posters who engage in name-calling, bullying, harassment, or other TOS violations. That's our shit to deal with. If they have questions, they can PM us and we'd gladly explain, but I'll give you a guess as to how frequently that happens.

Sass will cease when people stop showing up looking for validation of their garbage on the etiquette board (and other boards). You let me know when that happens, alright?I say this all the time, perceived rudeness doesn't violate the TOS. If the sass bothers you, I don't know what to tell you.

*Hell, the amount of foul cries I've seen in regards to things as simple as even signature gifs (which they didn't understand was not directed at them and is actually present at the end of all of their posts) and light sarcasm is astonishing. But, I am familiar with the internet and the workings of a message board. Not everyone is. They learn eventually, and if they don't, they stick to facebook and go about their sheltered internet lives while complaining to anyone who'll listen.

perdonami · October 2014

beethery said:

classyduck said:
>P.S. And also, for the mods to have a bit more guts AND finesse (mass purging is counterproductive, if you haven't learned that already; but consistent, predictable, and progressive discipline IS productive. So far I've seen little to no progressive intervention from mods. Either the ax falls, or it doesn't. -- if this has been happening out of my sight, then props on you, and I retract my comments.)
Hi, gutsy broad and also mod here.
We will warn posters who engage in name-calling, bullying, harassment, or other TOS violations. That's our shit to deal with. If they have questions, they can PM us and we'd gladly explain, but I'll give you a guess as to how frequently that happens.

I hope this continues to be a trend here despite differing opinions on etiquette.

StickEmUpKitty · October 2014

That must be a hard feeling to have all of the time. Concern for how others view you and what you have. I love my friends and family and for all that they are. Just as they do me. I don't worry about how they view me because they know me well and love me as I am. We don't judge each other that way in my family. We support one another.
And our honeymoon is already paid for. The plane ride and the resort. And our house is full of doubles of household items. Our family also knows this. We both work and together we have four children. So this will be our first big trip together. We are very excited. And those who love us are excited for us not just to go on a trip. But that we found one another.
And I'm sincerely happy for anyone on this board who has found their other half as well. And for however you choose to celebrate that.

StickEmUpKitty · October 2014

Cute

StickEmUpKitty · October 2014

Yeah that icon shows from my home computer. But not on my phone which is mostly what I use. Thank you though.
As for our trip.. Yes we do leave the next day. And our trip is already paid for by us. Got the plane tickets and resort a while back. We also have jobs so we do have money yo spend on everything while we are there. We don't solely rely on the honey fund for that. Its just nice if that's what gifts end up going towards. Never hurts to end up with money put away rather than another thing we unfortunately can't fit in the kitchen or linen closet.

StickEmUpKitty · October 2014

I'm sorry that the treatment you first received made you so upset you cries. No one should ever feel that way. I am glad to say I haven't. Definitely my fiance have gotten a few laughs at how rude people were about our choices.
I have to admit he logged on under my name once and had a little fun saying we were having a pay your own way buffet. I have gotten two messages from other members laughing at the responses to me and being glad that someone unlike the "bitchy" members had something to say. I'm not name calling by saying that. Just saying what my messages said.
I did find it ironic that under etiquette forum the people were so harsh and rude. Fortunately I have worked in the hospitality industry for 19 years so I have tough skin.
Anyway. Yes feel free to inform people about what you think of things. But when they tell you. I have my reasons and I am not going to change it. Then back off. Don't insult them for it. Its a waste of energy. And when you think about it... Its just silly. Life is so much bigger than worrying about who thinks what. So much bigger. And so short. You can be gone tomorrow and look how today was wasted by insulting others. Say your thoughts. Then move along. Don't try and force things on people.

Viczaesar · October 2014

StickEmUpKitty said:

I'm sorry that the treatment you first received made you so upset you cries. No one should ever feel that way. I am glad to say I haven't. Definitely my fiance have gotten a few laughs at how rude people were about our choices. I have to admit he logged on under my name once and had a little fun saying we were having a pay your own way buffet. I have gotten two messages from other members laughing at the responses to me and being glad that someone unlike the "bitchy" members had something to say. I'm not name calling by saying that. Just saying what my messages said. I did find it ironic that under etiquette forum the people were so harsh and rude. Fortunately I have worked in the hospitality industry for 19 years so I have tough skin. Anyway. Yes feel free to inform people about what you think of things. But when they tell you. I have my reasons and I am not going to change it. Then back off. Don't insult them for it. Its a waste of energy. And when you think about it... Its just silly. Life is so much bigger than worrying about who thinks what. So much bigger. And so short. You can be gone tomorrow and look how today was wasted by insulting others. Say your thoughts. Then move along. Don't try and force things on people.

@StickEmUpKitty, if you don't quote the post to which you are responding we have no idea wth you're talking about.

I don't understand why it's so difficult for people to understand that you don't get to tell us how to post. You can choose not to continue to engage. Trying to tell others what to do just makes you look like a control freak.

Liatris2010 · October 2014

@classyduck said:

There has been some really excellent and heartfelt advice given on this thread, and I really hope the OP sees that and considers carefully her choices.

However, I have to say -- especially on the first two pages -- I was disappointed to see how many people had to come here and been humbled by "having their asses handed to them" after their first post or so. Does no one else see the potential "board culture" problem that indicates? PPs were stating it like it was a badge of honor -- like getting hazed for your ignorance is a right of passage to participate here. ... We aren't "greeks" on a college campus. We are adults in a polite society. Can't we be more inclusive?

For all of you whose "asses were handed back" (myself included), there must be several, or many more who NEVER CAME back. I think that is a missed opportunity to help inform other couples!

I want to reiterate -- the substance of the advice given on these forums, and especially the etiquette forum, is exemplary, but sometimes the delivery is... ironically ... rude? Perhaps callous -- and usually the abrasiveness comes from the sometimes cruel use of sarcasm.

I'm sure most knotties identify with the culture of sarcasm on these boards -- in fact most of them probably love it. Over time I grew to tolerate it, and eventually enjoy the playful humor in it, but my feelings too were hurt terribly when I first came here. I'm not kidding, I shed tears. Big fat ones. I actually had a different username, I was so ashamed I remade my account. But I'm glad I tried again, because my wedding will be much more polite than it would have been otherwise.

But, why does this humiliation seem to be a right of passage? I LOVE the honesty and directness of the advice given here (don't compromise that!), but the scathing sarcasm, especially for newcomers, is intimidating. Don't call them twelve, don't insult their character. Criticize, constructively, the bad ideas, not the person.

Let's take the OP as an example (who had a bad idea, but in some cases, was accused of being a bad person): a couple things clued me in to an important need for education here: She referred to etiquette as "stuffy" and stated that if she were having a "black tie event" with tuxes or whatever, that she would observe "it" (etiquette), but didn't feel it necessary for her event. There is a common misconception that etiquette is equivalent to "high society", and my initial assessment is that she is simply not informed on what the essence of etiquette really is! She hears that word, and I imagine it sounds arcane to her, and she conjures up formality and proper speech and monocles or something. When really, good etiquette can be exemplified by the simplest of down home southern comfort -- great hosting, and making your guests excruciatingly comfortable, even if you're doing it in overalls. I believe if this had been explained to her simply, rather than in language that (at times, condescendingly) assumed she already understood this, she may not have taken offense so quickly.

So anyway, I'll end this little testament by saying my complaints here apply to a significant minority of knotties -- the vast majority are very caring and respectful -- and have earned real gratitude from me. But there is a vocal minority that isn't afraid to get nasty and sarcastic fast. THAT is what will tank theknot's reputation, and scare away members that we can help, teach, and could become valued future members. I challenge knotties to call them out and ask them to deliver their excellent ideas in a more constructive way.

P.S. And also, for the mods to have a bit more guts AND finesse (mass purging is counterproductive, if you haven't learned that already; but consistent, predictable, and progressive discipline IS productive. So far I've seen little to no progressive intervention from mods. Either the ax falls, or it doesn't. -- if this has been happening out of my sight, then props on you, and I retract my comments.)

Our purpose as mods is to warn users who are violating the TOS and ban them if they do not heed those warnings. We also can ban vendors. That is about it. I have zero interest in telling people how to post, and even if I did, I don't think I would change any minds.

If you see a report that violates the TOS, please report it and tag me or @Slothiegirl. I think if you report a post, you can see the mod's reply, which might give you some insight into the whole business, but really it is not very exciting.

southernbelle0915 · October 2014

StickEmUpKitty said:
I'm sorry that the treatment you first received made you so upset you cries. No one should ever feel that way. I am glad to say I haven't. Definitely my fiance have gotten a few laughs at how rude people were about our choices.
I have to admit he logged on under my name once and had a little fun saying we were having a pay your own way buffet. I have gotten two messages from other members laughing at the responses to me and being glad that someone unlike the "bitchy" members had something to say. I'm not name calling by saying that. Just saying what my messages said.
I did find it ironic that under etiquette forum the people were so harsh and rude. Fortunately I have worked in the hospitality industry for 19 years so I have tough skin.
Anyway. Yes feel free to inform people about what you think of things. But when they tell you. I have my reasons and I am not going to change it. Then back off. Don't insult them for it. Its a waste of energy. And when you think about it... Its just silly. Life is so much bigger than worrying about who thinks what. So much bigger. And so short. You can be gone tomorrow and look how today was wasted by insulting others. Say your thoughts. Then move along. Don't try and force things on people.

1) You can try to waltz into an established community and tell people how to post but it just gets a laugh from everyone. So thanks for that.
2) A honeymoon registry is asking for money, which is against etiquette. You are on an etiquette board. I wonder hat you are surprised to be informed of that.
3) I simply don't believe you that every single one of your wedding guests knows the exact inventory of your home and that you have "doubles of everything." But even if that's true, a honeymoon registry is not an etiquette friendly solution. JUST DON'T REGISTER. When people say "I want to buy you a present. Where are you registered?" You say, "we aren't registered. We're saving up for xyz." People are not as stupid as you apparently think they are. You will get cash and checks if you do that. AND you won't pay any service fees. Yay - everyone wins!

beethery · October 2014

#1 thing that people don't understand isn't against etiquette: telling people where they fucked up if they show up looking for opinions.
We don't think that the posters are terrible people as individuals. We just think they need to change their plans so that they don't treat their guests like shit.

To quote the ever-wise RuPaul Charles;

If a person can't get through that without thinking they're being attacked, then the internet isn't a good place for them.

MobKaz · October 2014

StickEmUpKitty said:

I'm sorry that the treatment you first received made you so upset you cries. No one should ever feel that way. I am glad to say I haven't. Definitely my fiance have gotten a few laughs at how rude people were about our choices. I have to admit he logged on under my name once and had a little fun saying we were having a pay your own way buffet. I have gotten two messages from other members laughing at the responses to me and being glad that someone unlike the "bitchy" members had something to say. I'm not name calling by saying that. Just saying what my messages said. I did find it ironic that under etiquette forum the people were so harsh and rude. Fortunately I have worked in the hospitality industry for 19 years so I have tough skin. Anyway. Yes feel free to inform people about what you think of things. But when they tell you. I have my reasons and I am not going to change it. Then back off. Don't insult them for it. Its a waste of energy. And when you think about it... Its just silly. Life is so much bigger than worrying about who thinks what. So much bigger. And so short. You can be gone tomorrow and look how today was wasted by insulting others. Say your thoughts. Then move along. Don't try and force things on people.

This is one of the problems. People will deliberately create posts on "hot topics" to rile up the responders. Unfortunately, there are enough brides who actually do such things (as have pay-your-way "receptions"), that responders exhaust their patience trying to separate the real from the MUD posters. When YOU do it for "giggles" it sets the tone as to how posters then perceive you.

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