Registry Concerns

beethery · October 2014

I'm sorry that the treatment you first received made you so upset you cries. No one should ever feel that way. I am glad to say I haven't. Definitely my fiance have gotten a few laughs at how rude people were about our choices. I have to admit he logged on under my name once and had a little fun saying we were having a pay your own way buffet. I have gotten two messages from other members laughing at the responses to me and being glad that someone unlike the "bitchy" members had something to say. I'm not name calling by saying that. Just saying what my messages said. I did find it ironic that under etiquette forum the people were so harsh and rude. Fortunately I have worked in the hospitality industry for 19 years so I have tough skin. Anyway. Yes feel free to inform people about what you think of things. But when they tell you. I have my reasons and I am not going to change it. Then back off. Don't insult them for it. Its a waste of energy. And when you think about it... Its just silly. Life is so much bigger than worrying about who thinks what. So much bigger. And so short. You can be gone tomorrow and look how today was wasted by insulting others. Say your thoughts. Then move along. Don't try and force things on people.

"Life is so much bigger than what anyone thinks."

Then you will understand my sentiment when I inform you that no one fucking cares that you're pleased with your shitty plans and that your friends that we do not fucking care about still love you. I would be super duper excited if you got married, went on your honeymoon, and enjoyed yourself so much that you stayed an extra week and we didn't have to hear your worthless nonsense for that much longer.

By all means, enjoy yourself. Also:

NO ONE CARES.

theartistformerlyknownas · October 2014

I really love when the most ridiculous of Special Snowflakes don't know how to quote so they're just spewing their crazy arguments at a wall. It amuses me to no end.

iloveotters2014 · October 2014

@StickEmUpKitty

I think what you are failing to understand is that etiquette is not really about people talking shit about you behind your back and what they think of YOU.

It's about being considerate of others and not putting them into an awkward and uncomfortable position. It's about you caring about your friends and family....not about you and what you want for yourself.

Whether you want to think of it this way or not, flat out asking people for cash makes many people feel awkward and uncomfortable. It should be their decision to give you a cash gift and many many people do without being asked.

ohannabelle · October 2014

beethery said:

#1 thing that people don't understand isn't against etiquette: telling people where they fucked up if they show up looking for opinions.
We don't think that the posters are terrible people as individuals. We just think they need to change their plans so that they don't treat their guests like shit.

To quote the ever-wise RuPaul Charles;

If a person can't get through that without thinking they're being attacked, then the internet isn't a good place for them.

This may be the best quote ever.

Beethery, seriously. You are the wind beneath my wings.

StickEmUpKitty · October 2014

We won't have service fees. That online part that has service fees is shut off. I think ive explained that a few times now. I initially posted here to the original poster. Not to anyone else. But everyone jumped all over me for my decision in registry. I wasn't looking for advice on that. And nothing said changes my mind. It only solidifies our choice in registry. Have a great afternoon everyone.

StickEmUpKitty · October 2014

I thought I did. But my phone must have a mind of its own. Anyway that post wasn't to you.

chibiyui · October 2014

ohannabelle said:

beethery said:

#1 thing that people don't understand isn't against etiquette: telling people where they fucked up if they show up looking for opinions.
We don't think that the posters are terrible people as individuals. We just think they need to change their plans so that they don't treat their guests like shit.

To quote the ever-wise RuPaul Charles;

If a person can't get through that without thinking they're being attacked, then the internet isn't a good place for them.

This may be the best quote ever.

Beethery, seriously. You are the wind beneath my wings.

Re quoted cause we all need a little more RuPaul I. Our lives.

I'd gif, but, mobile.

theartistformerlyknownas · October 2014

StickEmUpKitty said:

I thought I did. But my phone must have a mind of its own. Anyway that post wasn't to you.

Don't care who it was to, or who this was to. And it's called the quote button, not reply.

Watch me do it twice!

StickEmUpKitty said:

We won't have service fees. That online part that has service fees is shut off. I think ive explained that a few times now. I initially posted here to the original poster. Not to anyone else. But everyone jumped all over me for my decision in registry. I wasn't looking for advice on that. And nothing said changes my mind. It only solidifies our choice in registry. Have a great afternoon everyone.

The fact that having your choice confirmed as an offensive, counter-etiquette choice SOLIDIFIES it in your mind solidifies my hunch that you're a pretty terrible person.

XrebeccaX · October 2014

I will just say that I believe "not being concerned with that people think" is a very different concept altogether from "being rude regardless of how it makes other people feel."

For instance our wedding was very far out of town, and very small. We didn't do the garter and bouquet stuff, or have a first dance, or cut a cake. People had lots of opinions about these choices and they felt very free to make them known to me. I smiled and nodded and ignored them because these were not choices that were rude/caused discomfort to others.

But other choices we made - not having a gap, not inviting people to a shower that weren't invited to the wedding, not putting "no gifts" on the invites even though we sincerely did not care about gifts one way or the other - were made because they affected the comfort of other people.

We also had a small registry (because we don't need a lot of stuff!) and guess what! People gave money because obviously.

themosthappy91 · October 2014

classyduck said:

There has been some really excellent and heartfelt advice given on this thread, and I really hope the OP sees that and considers carefully her choices.

However, I have to say -- especially on the first two pages -- I was disappointed to see how many people had to come here and been humbled by "having their asses handed to them" after their first post or so. Does no one else see the potential "board culture" problem that indicates? PPs were stating it like it was a badge of honor -- like getting hazed for your ignorance is a right of passage to participate here. ... We aren't "greeks" on a college campus. We are adults in a polite society. Can't we be more inclusive?

For all of you whose "asses were handed back" (myself included), there must be several, or many more who NEVER CAME back. I think that is a missed opportunity to help inform other couples!

I want to reiterate -- the substance of the advice given on these forums, and especially the etiquette forum, is exemplary, but sometimes the delivery is... ironically ... rude? Perhaps callous -- and usually the abrasiveness comes from the sometimes cruel use of sarcasm.

I'm sure most knotties identify with the culture of sarcasm on these boards -- in fact most of them probably love it. Over time I grew to tolerate it, and eventually enjoy the playful humor in it, but my feelings too were hurt terribly when I first came here. I'm not kidding, I shed tears. Big fat ones. I actually had a different username, I was so ashamed I remade my account. But I'm glad I tried again, because my wedding will be much more polite than it would have been otherwise.

But, why does this humiliation seem to be a right of passage? I LOVE the honesty and directness of the advice given here (don't compromise that!), but the scathing sarcasm, especially for newcomers, is intimidating. Don't call them twelve, don't insult their character. Criticize, constructively, the bad ideas, not the person.

Let's take the OP as an example (who had a bad idea, but in some cases, was accused of being a bad person): a couple things clued me in to an important need for education here: She referred to etiquette as "stuffy" and stated that if she were having a "black tie event" with tuxes or whatever, that she would observe "it" (etiquette), but didn't feel it necessary for her event. There is a common misconception that etiquette is equivalent to "high society", and my initial assessment is that she is simply not informed on what the essence of etiquette really is! She hears that word, and I imagine it sounds arcane to her, and she conjures up formality and proper speech and monocles or something. When really, good etiquette can be exemplified by the simplest of down home southern comfort -- great hosting, and making your guests excruciatingly comfortable, even if you're doing it in overalls. I believe if this had been explained to her simply, rather than in language that (at times, condescendingly) assumed she already understood this, she may not have taken offense so quickly.

So anyway, I'll end this little testament by saying my complaints here apply to a significant minority of knotties -- the vast majority are very caring and respectful -- and have earned real gratitude from me. But there is a vocal minority that isn't afraid to get nasty and sarcastic fast. THAT is what will tank theknot's reputation, and scare away members that we can help, teach, and could become valued future members. I challenge knotties to call them out and ask them to deliver their excellent ideas in a more constructive way.

P.S. And also, for the mods to have a bit more guts AND finesse (mass purging is counterproductive, if you haven't learned that already; but consistent, predictable, and progressive discipline IS productive. So far I've seen little to no progressive intervention from mods. Either the ax falls, or it doesn't. -- if this has been happening out of my sight, then props on you, and I retract my comments.)

I just want to applaud this very reasonable and thoughtful approach to raising potential issues with the culture of these boards! It's refreshing for someone to take up a complaint *not* in the form of starting an independent thread whining about how everyone here is mean and must have no life, which inevitably devolves into absolute nonsense.

I definitely agree that sometimes it seems like a few people on here forget their manners when it comes to interacting politely, though that is very rare. What is more common is people not necessarily realizing how harshly their snark comes across to people who are new here- which isn't necessarily a problem, but maybe just something to keep in mind. A lot of people find the snark really funny, which is great- but it can be deterring for well-meaning newcomers who haven't been "initiated" into the culture here yet. Again, that's not to say people shouldn't be snarky if they enjoy it- but just to suggest there are certain situations in which snark may cause a person to dig their heels in on a bad etiquette move whereas gentleness might have persuaded them to do otherwise.

I guess the only thing I really have a problem with is people saying that sometimes they are harsh or snarky because they get so sick of answering the same questions from different posters over and over. This isn't anyone's job, so if you truly feel like your answer will inevitably be harsher than it needs to be due to your frustration with the repetitiveness of the question, why not just let someone else field that particular query? One thing we are lucky to have here is an abundance of people who are very consistent about appropriately answering a myriad of basic etiquette concerns, so I'm sure someone will provide the necessary response

.

StickEmUpKitty · October 2014

I've been called many names on this board over the past few days. And still I haven't once called anyone a total bitch. If you don't have anything nice to say wouldn't proper manners say to keep it to yourself? Done with this thread. Go ahead and reply with more insults and cute cartoons. And enjoy them amongst yourselves.

chibiyui · October 2014

StickEmUpKitty said:
I've been called many names on this board over the past few days. And still I haven't once called anyone a total bitch. If you don't have anything nice to say wouldn't proper manners say to keep it to yourself? Done with this thread. Go ahead and reply with more insults and cute cartoons. And enjoy them amongst yourselves.

You also had your FI post some absurd stuff for the purpose of shit stirring, so don't act like you smell like roses.

JoanE2012 · October 2014

StickEmUpKitty said:

I've been called many names on this board over the past few days. And still I haven't once called anyone a total bitch. If you don't have anything nice to say wouldn't proper manners say to keep it to yourself? Done with this thread. Go ahead and reply with more insults and cute cartoons. And enjoy them amongst yourselves.

Buh bye!

SachaBee · October 2014

"Anyway that post wasn't to you"

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Can we add that to Bingo?

JoanE2012 · October 2014

chibiyui said:

I've been called many names on this board over the past few days. And still I haven't once called anyone a total bitch. If you don't have anything nice to say wouldn't proper manners say to keep it to yourself? Done with this thread. Go ahead and reply with more insults and cute cartoons. And enjoy them amongst yourselves.
You also had your FI post some absurd stuff for the purpose of shit stirring, so don't act like you smell like roses.

Yeah, I don't get the whole FI logging in to post stupid stuff. Very lame and reeks of immaturity.

classyduck · October 2014

Liatris2010 said:

@classyduck said:

There has been some really excellent and heartfelt advice given on this thread, and I really hope the OP sees that and considers carefully her choices.

However, I have to say -- especially on the first two pages -- I was disappointed to see how many people had to come here and been humbled by "having their asses handed to them" after their first post or so. Does no one else see the potential "board culture" problem that indicates? PPs were stating it like it was a badge of honor -- like getting hazed for your ignorance is a right of passage to participate here. ... We aren't "greeks" on a college campus. We are adults in a polite society. Can't we be more inclusive?

For all of you whose "asses were handed back" (myself included), there must be several, or many more who NEVER CAME back. I think that is a missed opportunity to help inform other couples!

I want to reiterate -- the substance of the advice given on these forums, and especially the etiquette forum, is exemplary, but sometimes the delivery is... ironically ... rude? Perhaps callous -- and usually the abrasiveness comes from the sometimes cruel use of sarcasm.

I'm sure most knotties identify with the culture of sarcasm on these boards -- in fact most of them probably love it. Over time I grew to tolerate it, and eventually enjoy the playful humor in it, but my feelings too were hurt terribly when I first came here. I'm not kidding, I shed tears. Big fat ones. I actually had a different username, I was so ashamed I remade my account. But I'm glad I tried again, because my wedding will be much more polite than it would have been otherwise.

But, why does this humiliation seem to be a right of passage? I LOVE the honesty and directness of the advice given here (don't compromise that!), but the scathing sarcasm, especially for newcomers, is intimidating. Don't call them twelve, don't insult their character. Criticize, constructively, the bad ideas, not the person.

Let's take the OP as an example (who had a bad idea, but in some cases, was accused of being a bad person): a couple things clued me in to an important need for education here: She referred to etiquette as "stuffy" and stated that if she were having a "black tie event" with tuxes or whatever, that she would observe "it" (etiquette), but didn't feel it necessary for her event. There is a common misconception that etiquette is equivalent to "high society", and my initial assessment is that she is simply not informed on what the essence of etiquette really is! She hears that word, and I imagine it sounds arcane to her, and she conjures up formality and proper speech and monocles or something. When really, good etiquette can be exemplified by the simplest of down home southern comfort -- great hosting, and making your guests excruciatingly comfortable, even if you're doing it in overalls. I believe if this had been explained to her simply, rather than in language that (at times, condescendingly) assumed she already understood this, she may not have taken offense so quickly.

So anyway, I'll end this little testament by saying my complaints here apply to a significant minority of knotties -- the vast majority are very caring and respectful -- and have earned real gratitude from me. But there is a vocal minority that isn't afraid to get nasty and sarcastic fast. THAT is what will tank theknot's reputation, and scare away members that we can help, teach, and could become valued future members. I challenge knotties to call them out and ask them to deliver their excellent ideas in a more constructive way.

P.S. And also, for the mods to have a bit more guts AND finesse (mass purging is counterproductive, if you haven't learned that already; but consistent, predictable, and progressive discipline IS productive. So far I've seen little to no progressive intervention from mods. Either the ax falls, or it doesn't. -- if this has been happening out of my sight, then props on you, and I retract my comments.)

Our purpose as mods is to warn users who are violating the TOS and ban them if they do not heed those warnings. We also can ban vendors. That is about it. I have zero interest in telling people how to post, and even if I did, I don't think I would change any minds.

If you see a report that violates the TOS, please report it and tag me or @Slothiegirl. I think if you report a post, you can see the mod's reply, which might give you some insight into the whole business, but really it is not very exciting.

Thank you @Liatris2010 for pointing this out. I forget that theknot boards ten to take a more hands off approach to modding that other boards I've been on (which is fine -- getting too involved can have the effect of stifling discussion). You are right, it isn't the mods place on these to instruct how to post, just to make sure the TOS aren't violated. I still hope that community members will be conscientious of the culture they create, though.

themosthappy91 said:

classyduck said:

There has been some really excellent and heartfelt advice given on this thread, and I really hope the OP sees that and considers carefully her choices.

However, I have to say -- especially on the first two pages -- I was disappointed to see how many people had to come here and been humbled by "having their asses handed to them" after their first post or so. Does no one else see the potential "board culture" problem that indicates? PPs were stating it like it was a badge of honor -- like getting hazed for your ignorance is a right of passage to participate here. ... We aren't "greeks" on a college campus. We are adults in a polite society. Can't we be more inclusive?

For all of you whose "asses were handed back" (myself included), there must be several, or many more who NEVER CAME back. I think that is a missed opportunity to help inform other couples!

I want to reiterate -- the substance of the advice given on these forums, and especially the etiquette forum, is exemplary, but sometimes the delivery is... ironically ... rude? Perhaps callous -- and usually the abrasiveness comes from the sometimes cruel use of sarcasm.

I'm sure most knotties identify with the culture of sarcasm on these boards -- in fact most of them probably love it. Over time I grew to tolerate it, and eventually enjoy the playful humor in it, but my feelings too were hurt terribly when I first came here. I'm not kidding, I shed tears. Big fat ones. I actually had a different username, I was so ashamed I remade my account. But I'm glad I tried again, because my wedding will be much more polite than it would have been otherwise.

But, why does this humiliation seem to be a right of passage? I LOVE the honesty and directness of the advice given here (don't compromise that!), but the scathing sarcasm, especially for newcomers, is intimidating. Don't call them twelve, don't insult their character. Criticize, constructively, the bad ideas, not the person.

Let's take the OP as an example (who had a bad idea, but in some cases, was accused of being a bad person): a couple things clued me in to an important need for education here: She referred to etiquette as "stuffy" and stated that if she were having a "black tie event" with tuxes or whatever, that she would observe "it" (etiquette), but didn't feel it necessary for her event. There is a common misconception that etiquette is equivalent to "high society", and my initial assessment is that she is simply not informed on what the essence of etiquette really is! She hears that word, and I imagine it sounds arcane to her, and she conjures up formality and proper speech and monocles or something. When really, good etiquette can be exemplified by the simplest of down home southern comfort -- great hosting, and making your guests excruciatingly comfortable, even if you're doing it in overalls. I believe if this had been explained to her simply, rather than in language that (at times, condescendingly) assumed she already understood this, she may not have taken offense so quickly.

So anyway, I'll end this little testament by saying my complaints here apply to a significant minority of knotties -- the vast majority are very caring and respectful -- and have earned real gratitude from me. But there is a vocal minority that isn't afraid to get nasty and sarcastic fast. THAT is what will tank theknot's reputation, and scare away members that we can help, teach, and could become valued future members. I challenge knotties to call them out and ask them to deliver their excellent ideas in a more constructive way.

P.S. And also, for the mods to have a bit more guts AND finesse (mass purging is counterproductive, if you haven't learned that already; but consistent, predictable, and progressive discipline IS productive. So far I've seen little to no progressive intervention from mods. Either the ax falls, or it doesn't. -- if this has been happening out of my sight, then props on you, and I retract my comments.)

I just want to applaud this very reasonable and thoughtful approach to raising potential issues with the culture of these boards! It's refreshing for someone to take up a complaint *not* in the form of starting an independent thread whining about how everyone here is mean and must have no life, which inevitably devolves into absolute nonsense.

I definitely agree that sometimes it seems like a few people on here forget their manners when it comes to interacting politely, though that is very rare. What is more common is people not necessarily realizing how harshly their snark comes across to people who are new here- which isn't necessarily a problem, but maybe just something to keep in mind. A lot of people find the snark really funny, which is great- but it can be deterring for well-meaning newcomers who haven't been "initiated" into the culture here yet. Again, that's not to say people shouldn't be snarky if they enjoy it- but just to suggest there are certain situations in which snark may cause a person to dig their heels in on a bad etiquette move whereas gentleness might have persuaded them to do otherwise.

I guess the only thing I really have a problem with is people saying that sometimes they are harsh or snarky because they get so sick of answering the same questions from different posters over and over. This isn't anyone's job, so if you truly feel like your answer will inevitably be harsher than it needs to be due to your frustration with the repetitiveness of the question, why not just let someone else field that particular query? One thing we are lucky to have here is an abundance of people who are very consistent about appropriately answering a myriad of basic etiquette concerns, so I'm sure someone will provide the necessary response .

Yes, that was exactly my line of thinking. Not a *problem* really, I just think about how close I was to not coming back, and how glad I am that I did. I hate to think that others are scared off permanently. Not all of us have thick skin! Hence the defensiveness that can be counterproductive, as you point out.

AddieCake · October 2014

StickEmUpKitty is leaving? Awwww, that's a shame. We'll try to soldier on without you, poster I've never seen post before today.

As for those lecturing on the culture of TK, it's been the same culture for years. YEARS. And there's no shortage of new people signing up and sticking around. So the culture here doesn't appear to be an issue at all for keeping the community alive and growing.

The issue is people not understanding how the internet works and needing to lurk a little when they join a new place (no different here than in real life, as I'm sure most people hang back a bit in a new place in real life before they jump right in) and that they don't get to decide for hundreds to thousands of community members how the show will be run.

Seriously, stop blaming TK regs for newbs' sensitivities. I never had my ass handed to me as a newb. You know why? I lurked. I paid attention. And when I started posting, I avoided landmines and made nice with people and shared my wedding experiences with people asking for help. And if someone didn't like my ideas, I didn't throw a hissy fit and pout and declare it was my day or that YOU DON'T KNOW ME OR MY FRIENDS/FAMILY!!!!! or any of the other nonsense people get snarked at for around here.

It's not that complicated, folks.

LDay2014 · October 2014

So you didn't actually register for experiences, you registered for cash. That's the point. You are asking people for cash which is blatantly rude. That's what you don't seem to get.

StickEmUpKitty said:
we have a honeyfund for st martin and we are leaving the night after our wedding. the plane tickets and resort are paid. Our honeyfund is just for stuff to do while we are there. and if people contribute towards that then that is great.. if not we are going anyway.

StickEmUpKitty said:
Yeah that icon shows from my home computer. But not on my phone which is mostly what I use. Thank you though.
As for our trip.. Yes we do leave the next day. And our trip is already paid for by us. Got the plane tickets and resort a while back. We also have jobs so we do have money yo spend on everything while we are there. We don't solely rely on the honey fund for that. Its just nice if that's what gifts end up going towards. Never hurts to end up with money put away rather than another thing we unfortunately can't fit in the kitchen or linen closet.

classyduck · October 2014

AddieCake said:

StickEmUpKitty is leaving? Awwww, that's a shame. We'll try to soldier on without you, poster I've never seen post before today.

As for those lecturing on the culture of TK, it's been the same culture for years. YEARS. And there's no shortage of new people signing up and sticking around. So the culture here doesn't appear to be an issue at all for keeping the community alive and growing.

As I mentioned in my post, I really enjoy this community AND it's culture -- yes I giggle at the sarcasm too. And clearly, it is a successful community, I don't dispute that. I was pointing out one aspect that dissatisfied me initially, and offering some food for thought.

The issue is people not understanding how the internet works and needing to lurk a little when they join a new place (no different here than in real life, as I'm sure most people hang back a bit in a new place in real life before they jump right in) and that they don't get to decide for hundreds to thousands of community members how the show will be run.

Seriously, stop blaming TK regs for newbs' sensitivities.

I'm not blaming TK reg's for newbies' sensitivities. I'm blaming a select few TK regs for their sometimes mean sarcasm, that does seem to have affected more than just a few oversensitive people.

I never had my ass handed to me as a newb. You know why? I lurked. I paid attention. And when I started posting, I avoided landmines and made nice with people and shared my wedding experiences with people asking for help.

I always thought the push to lurk was indicative of a problem. One should be able to expect polite responses without having to learn special rules exclusive to this community.

And if someone didn't like my ideas, I didn't throw a hissy fit and pout and declare it was my day or that YOU DON'T KNOW ME OR MY FRIENDS/FAMILY!!!!! or any of the other nonsense people get snarked at for around here.

These forums taught me that rudeness is never the correct response to someone else's rudeness.

It's not that complicated, folks.

No, I don't imagine it is. This forum also taught me that the soul of etiquette is the comfort of others. I do admit I find it a shame, and perhaps a bit of a bad example, that people are sometimes rudely pilloried instead of politely corrected, and made to feel so uncomfortable, on an etiquette board.

I have been around long enough to know that one other aspect of board culture is to make sweeping generalizations and twist someone's words around. And I can sense that is where this is going, so I will withdraw from this discussion.

esstee33 · October 2014

classyduck said:

AddieCake said:

StickEmUpKitty is leaving? Awwww, that's a shame. We'll try to soldier on without you, poster I've never seen post before today.

As for those lecturing on the culture of TK, it's been the same culture for years. YEARS. And there's no shortage of new people signing up and sticking around. So the culture here doesn't appear to be an issue at all for keeping the community alive and growing.

As I mentioned in my post, I really enjoy this community AND it's culture -- yes I giggle at the sarcasm too. And clearly, it is a successful community, I don't dispute that. I was pointing out one aspect that dissatisfied me initially, and offering some food for thought.

The issue is people not understanding how the internet works and needing to lurk a little when they join a new place (no different here than in real life, as I'm sure most people hang back a bit in a new place in real life before they jump right in) and that they don't get to decide for hundreds to thousands of community members how the show will be run.

Seriously, stop blaming TK regs for newbs' sensitivities.

I'm not blaming TK reg's for newbies' sensitivities. I'm blaming a select few TK regs for their sometimes mean sarcasm, that does seem to have affected more than just a few oversensitive people.

I never had my ass handed to me as a newb. You know why? I lurked. I paid attention. And when I started posting, I avoided landmines and made nice with people and shared my wedding experiences with people asking for help.

I always thought the push to lurk was indicative of a problem. One should be able to expect polite responses without having to learn special rules exclusive to this community.

And if someone didn't like my ideas, I didn't throw a hissy fit and pout and declare it was my day or that YOU DON'T KNOW ME OR MY FRIENDS/FAMILY!!!!! or any of the other nonsense people get snarked at for around here.

These forums taught me that rudeness is never the correct response to someone else's rudeness.

It's not that complicated, folks.

No, I don't imagine it is. This forum also taught me that the soul of etiquette is the comfort of others. I do admit I find it a shame, and perhaps a bit of a bad example, that people are sometimes rudely pilloried instead of politely corrected, and made to feel so uncomfortable, on an etiquette board.

I have been around long enough to know that one other aspect of board culture is to make sweeping generalizations and twist someone's words around. And I can sense that is where this is going, so I will withdraw from this discussion.

**SITB**

People are typically politely corrected first, albeit sometimes bluntly, and snarkiness is reserved for when they inevitably reply with insults and/or stupidity because we don't KNOW them, man, and how could we say their idea is rude???? And their family loves them and won't care! It's just the seemingly endless stubbornness that gets the snark flowing. There have been posters who came to the boards with a rude idea, were told it would be rude, and said "Oh, OK. I didn't realize." And then everyone just moves on with their lives.

Re: the bolded: passive aggressive much?

beethery · October 2014

classyduck said:

AddieCake said:

StickEmUpKitty is leaving? Awwww, that's a shame. We'll try to soldier on without you, poster I've never seen post before today.

As for those lecturing on the culture of TK, it's been the same culture for years. YEARS. And there's no shortage of new people signing up and sticking around. So the culture here doesn't appear to be an issue at all for keeping the community alive and growing.

As I mentioned in my post, I really enjoy this community AND it's culture -- yes I giggle at the sarcasm too. And clearly, it is a successful community, I don't dispute that. I was pointing out one aspect that dissatisfied me initially, and offering some food for thought.

The issue is people not understanding how the internet works and needing to lurk a little when they join a new place (no different here than in real life, as I'm sure most people hang back a bit in a new place in real life before they jump right in) and that they don't get to decide for hundreds to thousands of community members how the show will be run.

Seriously, stop blaming TK regs for newbs' sensitivities.

I'm not blaming TK reg's for newbies' sensitivities. I'm blaming a select few TK regs for their sometimes mean sarcasm, that does seem to have affected more than just a few oversensitive people.

I never had my ass handed to me as a newb. You know why? I lurked. I paid attention. And when I started posting, I avoided landmines and made nice with people and shared my wedding experiences with people asking for help.

I always thought the push to lurk was indicative of a problem. One should be able to expect polite responses without having to learn special rules exclusive to this community.

And if someone didn't like my ideas, I didn't throw a hissy fit and pout and declare it was my day or that YOU DON'T KNOW ME OR MY FRIENDS/FAMILY!!!!! or any of the other nonsense people get snarked at for around here.

These forums taught me that rudeness is never the correct response to someone else's rudeness.

It's not that complicated, folks.

No, I don't imagine it is. This forum also taught me that the soul of etiquette is the comfort of others. I do admit I find it a shame, and perhaps a bit of a bad example, that people are sometimes rudely pilloried instead of politely corrected, and made to feel so uncomfortable, on an etiquette board.

I have been around long enough to know that one other aspect of board culture is to make sweeping generalizations and twist someone's words around. And I can sense that is where this is going, so I will withdraw from this discussion.

You get TWO Latrice Royale gifs! Two! Congratulations!

AddieCake · October 2014

And, as I am always reminding everyone, rude vs polite here is subjective. Once again we have someone deciding for the masses what THEY think is rude and lecturing the masses on how everyone needs to respond via THEIR definition. You don't get to decide for the community what is rude and how people should respond or conduct themselves or what words they should choose.

Any way you slice it, you are trying to tell people how to post. Stop doing that. Plain and simple. It's been pointed out time and time again that nobody is going to change their posting style as a result of these posts. So why do people keep coming along thinking they will be THE ONE?

People are going to post how they are going to post, and TK at large is not affected by it. The ones who can't handle it here go to other forums to chat. And they come back here still to use the tools, buy the shit, etc. The Knot as a whole, as a business, is not affected by the culture of the forums. Don't like it, don't stay. Neither the social nor the business end of TK will be affected.

levioosa · October 2014

FWIW, I always thought of "the push to lurk" as a way to learn things gradually. I didn't see it as some rite of passage. There are so many new posters who ask questions that are literally answered on the first page. There are stickies about their EXACT subject. Most of their questions could be answered by lurking and reading.

The Indigo Children, inviting abusive "plus ones" etc are unusual. Instead we often get the same question repeatedly complete with indignant screaming about are daring to judge the honey fund/no ring no bring/other stupid pointless thing. And yes, this is the etiquette board, but once you start screaming, I don't see a need to put up with it either.

beethery · October 2014

classyduck said:
I have been around long enough to know that one other aspect of board culture is to make sweeping generalizations and twist someone's words around. And I can sense that is where this is going, so I will withdraw from this discussion.

I just remembered to remark on this.

As long as you've been on and have lurked/read etc, I think you may have forgotten how poorly it goes over when someone tries to revolutionize the boards by telling people how to post.

Working wonders here, isn't it?

KatieinBkln · October 2014

I lurked for a good long while. My first post still "stung" a bit at times. Rather than bristling and running away, I asked myself: "Would you think this was terrible if you read it on another thread? No? You'd think it was annoying at worst and funny at best? Then shut up and deal."

Lurking is not some kind of high-level study course in "how to best fit in" to the boards. My god, it's supposed to be informative, and even fun! I still "lurk" to some extent, checking out threads that I find interesting but don't have anything to add to. Suggesting that lurking as a requirement for successful posting is somehow unfair or too much to expect is like being a writer who doesn't think she needs to read. No, you really do. You really should. And if that feels like "too much work" then that's a You problem, not a forum problem.

Maggie0829 · October 2014

I lurked in the beginning but not all that much. I was "yelled" at a few times, but unlike some special snowflakes, I took the constructive criticism to heart and ignored any shitty comments because why let something a complete stranger said get to you? And I have been on here for 3 years so I started back when TK was a lot harsher then it is today.

abbyj700 · October 2014

It never ceases to amaze me the number of people who ask if something is okay - and people on the etiquette board let them know - "No, that is against etiquette and rude" - and they just keep pushing, and explaining why it is different for them and blah blah blah. It's not opinion - honeyfunds are against etiquette - FACT.

cambryn · October 2014

I disagree that honeymoon funds are tacky. You're registering for a honey moon, instead of a lot of home stuff you do not need. That just seems to be common sense, to me.

No one is obligated to give a gift either way.

A couple whose wedding I went to the other day did this- they've been together for years and even have kids.

Here's how they put it:

"(Un)Registry

We gave a $60 check- and it was a relief not to have to pick out something dumb like hand towels and get it shipped to us and all that.

In many cultures it is expected for people to JUST give money- I have no idea why so many Americans bristle at this.

JCbride2015 · October 2014

cambryn said:

I disagree that honeymoon funds are tacky. You're registering for a honey moon, instead of a lot of home stuff you do not need. That just seems to be common sense, to me.

No one is obligated to give a gift either way.

A couple whose wedding I went to the other day did this- they've been together for years and even have kids.

Here's how they put it:
"(Un)Registry
Since we've been together for some time now and have accumulated almost every necessary household item you can think of, we didn't put much on our registry. However if you are still compelled by generosity, we would be thrilled with any form of flat, paper gifts "

We gave a $60 check- and it was a relief not to have to pick out something dumb like hand towels and get it shipped to us and all that.

In many cultures it is expected for people to JUST give money- I have no idea why so many Americans bristle at this.

BARF. I am not even kidding, I can taste the bile in my mouth reading that. So fucking, enormously, overwhelming, disgustingly rude.

I'd give them a piece of paper. That's what they want, right?

@cambryn Are you actually suggesting you would have gotten them no gift otherwise? And then you read that nasty little blurb begging for your money and just realized, "OH! I had NO IDEA money was a good gift? I REALLY needed the bride and groom to beg me for money to remember that I'm allowed to give money! What a novel idea!"

ETA: And WTF at the bolded? I haven't heard of any Americans who "bristle" at giving money. I exclusively give money as wedding gifts. And I still hate Honeyfunds. Because they are rude, period, full stop. Nobody needs an Unregistry or Honeyfund or Whatthefuckever to know that giving money is acceptable.

chibiyui · October 2014

cambryn said:

I disagree that honeymoon funds are tacky. You're registering for a honey moon, instead of a lot of home stuff you do not need. That just seems to be common sense, to me.

No one is obligated to give a gift either way.

A couple whose wedding I went to the other day did this- they've been together for years and even have kids.

Here's how they put it:
"(Un)Registry
Since we've been together for some time now and have accumulated almost every necessary household item you can think of, we didn't put much on our registry. However if you are still compelled by generosity, we would be thrilled with any form of flat, paper gifts "

We gave a $60 check- and it was a relief not to have to pick out something dumb like hand towels and get it shipped to us and all that.

In many cultures it is expected for people to JUST give money- I have no idea why so many Americans bristle at this.

If you like giving money, why would you not just give money?

There are some people who do find giving cash gifts crass, but most people give what they want to give. I like baking, so I tend to give baking reltated stuff. If I look at a registry and they don't have bakware on it, I just give cash. If they don't have a registry, I just give cash (unless I'm super close and have a great physical gift idea.)

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