Charity donation in lieu of favors...

Ladeda123 · November 2014

Hi,

I know this is often a controversial topic but I ask that you please do not respond "do not do it" or that you do not like this...it is important to my Fiance and I and our family so we have chosen to donate to a charity instead of typical favors. I ask for your help in how to properly do so. Do I mention it on the printed menus? A sign at the placecard table? Do I provide small favors to accompany individual notes mentioning the favor? If so, what favor would work with a donation to a children's hospital? For those who disagree about the charity donations or do not believe i should post, I understand your opinion but please do not post. I have chosen to post about the donation and would simply like ideas from those who have also chosen to do so... no judgement posts please.

Any help would be greatly appreciated!

THanks!

artbyallie · November 2014

Ladeda123 said:

Hi,
I know this is often a controversial topic but I ask that you please do not respond "do not do it" or that you do not like this...it is important to my Fiance and I and our family so we have chosen to donate to a charity instead of typical favors. I ask for your help in how to properly do so. Do I mention it on the printed menus? A sign at the placecard table? Do I provide small favors to accompany individual notes mentioning the favor? If so, what favor would work with a donation to a children's hospital?

Any help would be greatly appreciated!
THanks!

If you wish to donate money to a charity, that is fine and dandy and you just do that. Just don't publicize it any way. No note. No sign. Favors are not necessary, but you should not point out that the lack of them is because you donated that money.

Ladeda123 · November 2014

I do not want the guests to believe i have done nothing..I would like to place a simple note. Please let me know where/how it can be nicely done. Please do not respond with "Do not do it." I understand if you disagree but I would like to inform them why there are no other favors present. Thanks

ohannabelle · November 2014

Ladeda123 said: I do not want the guests to believe i have done nothing..I would like to place a simple note. Please let me know where/how it can be nicely done. Please do not respond with "Do not do it." I understand if you disagree but I would like to inform them why there are no other favors present. Thanks SIB

Since this is so truly important to you, why not give something of your own up, instead of something you were giving to your guests? Like, "instead of purchasing bouquets and flowers, the bride has donated x dollars to z charity."

It still looks self centered, rather than truly charitable (look at me and how noble I am!) but not as bad as "look at me and how noble I am giving up something meant for you, while giving up nothing meant for myself."

True charity doesn't advertise itself.

There is no other answer.

Ladeda123 · November 2014

THe knot is meant to help those who posted questions with answers TOWARDS their questions, not to judge them on their decisions. I have chosen to donate to a cause that is highly important to 90% of the wedding. I would like them to know since it would be something I KNOW they would love to be a part of. Please only respond with what information on how/where people who have previously done so have posted "in lieu" of information.

Judgements on my decision please do not respond. Thank you.

wrigleyville · November 2014

Favors are not required. Therefore, there is no need to publicize your charitable action.

I've been to weddings without favors before, and I didn't care one bit. The reception is the "thank you" to your guests, which is why favors are not required.

If I see a little printed, "In lieu of favors..." sign, I think the couple is being sort of attention whorish, even if that isn't the case (as you said, you're just explaining why there aren't any favors).

So, I would skip the signs or any mention of it. That doesn't mean don't DO it. Just don't do the signs.

holyguacamole79 · November 2014

Ladeda123 said:
I do not want the guests to believe i have done nothing..I would like to place a simple note. Please let me know where/how it can be nicely done. Please do not respond with "Do not do it." I understand if you disagree but I would like to inform them why there are no other favors present. Thanks

The thing is, a favor is a gift for the guest. Your donation to a charity does not benefit your guests in any way, so there is no point in telling them. I've been to plenty of weddings with no favors. It really isn't a big deal.

Ladeda123 · November 2014

Please only respond with ideas on how to post. I appreciate your input but I have chosen to post and I would simply like ideas on how others who have done so have done it.

holyguacamole79 · November 2014

Ladeda123 said:
Please only respond with ideas on how to post. I appreciate your input but I have chosen to post and I would simply like ideas on how others who have done so have done it.

That's not how it works around here - you can't tell people how to respond. There really is no way to do this, so we aren't going to give bad advice.

Ladeda123 · November 2014

I am not telling you how to respond but you are not answering my questions only judging my opinion to post so there is not need to respond to my discussion. I have a short period of time so I am attempting to get things done when I see that I have a new response and it is simply judging my decision instead of offering suggestions on how it is not helping. I am asking that only those with suggestions to my questions about HOW TO POST will do so. Please do not take this as any disrespect. I am simply looking for answers.

daria24 · November 2014

Look I roll my eyes any time I see this information published at a wedding because it does seem like "omg look how wonderful we are for donating money!"

Whatever you do, don't put individual cards at each place setting that say "in lieu of favors, the bride and groom have made a donation in your honor to X." That is definitely the worst way of doing it. I don't want money donated in my honor to a charity I had no choice in, and the individual cards are a waste of trees.

The smallest eye roll I ever gave was a couple that printed "in honor of their wedding day, Bob and Mary have made a donation to X" at the bottom of their program. I have also seen that wording at the sign on the guest book table or gift table. It's not so in your face and you aren't pointing out to people that instead of spending money on your guests, you gave it to the less fortunate.

holyguacamole79 · November 2014

Ladeda123 said:
I am not telling you how to respond but you are not answering my questions only judging my opinion to post so there is not need to respond to my discussion. I have a short period of time so I am attempting to get things done when I see that I have a new response and it is simply judging my decision instead of offering suggestions on how it is not helping. I am asking that only those with suggestions to my questions about HOW TO POST will do so. Please do not take this as any disrespect. I am simply looking for answers.

I'm so sorry. Let me answer your questions as you requested.

Ladeda123 said:
Hi,
I know this is often a controversial topic but I ask that you please do not respond "do not do it" or that you do not like this...it is important to my Fiance and I and our family so we have chosen to donate to a charity instead of typical favors. I ask for your help in how to properly do so.

Do I mention it on the printed menus? NO

A sign at the placecard table? NO

Do I provide small favors to accompany individual notes mentioning the favor? small favors are fine. There is no need for a note.

If so, what favor would work with a donation to a children's hospital? Food is always a good favor. It goes with anything.

For those who disagree about the charity donations or do not believe i should post, I understand your opinion but please do not post. I have chosen to post about the donation and would simply like ideas from those who have also chosen to do so... no judgement posts please.

Any help would be greatly appreciated!
THanks!

Ladeda123 · November 2014

THank you @daria24. I see that you do not agree with posting but your input was helpful.

Almie425 · November 2014

I've seen it done before and it has not bothered me one bit! If I'm at your wedding it's because you're my friend, and I don't typically think my friends are being 'attention grabbing' Now, I have seen small signs at the guest book table... I think, depending on you're wedding vibe, you can have a nice vase with candies and a small sign with the 'in lieu' information...you can do this fairly inexpensively.

ohannabelle · November 2014

Your question was answered, you just didn't like the answers.

You didn't answer my question. If this charity is so important to you, why not contribute something of your own, like flowers?

Ladeda123 · November 2014

THank you for your suggestions @almie425. I think I will go with a small sign at the guest book or place card table.

Jen4948 · November 2014

Ladeda123 said:
THank you for your suggestions @almie425. I think I will go with a small sign at the guest book or place card table.

Which will make you look smug and self-important but will neither encourage your guests to give a damn about the cause or raise your own profile with the guests.

Look, you don't owe your guests favors, but no one appreciates being told that you wanted to do something else with the money you're donating. It's not a gracious message to give your guests. Just donate without making a big deal about how you're not giving your guests favors. Your wedding isn't an awareness raiser for the cause.

ohannabelle · November 2014

How about a tiara that says "I give to charity?" That would certainly get the desired point across.

Ladeda123 · November 2014

Wow. I don't understand the whole "mean girl' approach to your responses. If you do not agree with my choices, fine but why do you feel the need to be so rude and obnoxious about it? There are 1000s of boards you could offer your opinions to that people will appreciate why choose to post rudely? Please choose to go bully someone else. Your belittling statements said over an online forum really are not necessary.

Jen4948 · November 2014

Ladeda123 said:
Wow. I don't understand the whole "mean girl' approach to your responses. If you do not agree with my choices, fine but why do you feel the need to be so rude and obnoxious about it? There are 1000s of boards you could offer your opinions to that people will appreciate why choose to post rudely? Please choose to go bully someone else. Your belittling statements said over an online forum really are not necessary.

No one " bullied" you. You asked our opinions and we provided them. You could have lurked more before posting to try to discover whether or not the subject has been posted about before (it has) and whether the majority of regular posters here approve of the idea (we don't). And if we think there's something wrong with an idea, we have every right to say so and we will. We're not going to tell you how to do it. You have no right to expect otherwise, let alone to try to control how anyone else posts.

And if you think we're mean, you're very uninformed about just how mean the Internet can get. So do your homework before you start throwing around accusations instead of having a temper tantrum because you didn't get the validation you were looking for.

holyguacamole79 · November 2014

Ladeda123 said:
Wow. I don't understand the whole "mean girl' approach to your responses. If you do not agree with my choices, fine but why do you feel the need to be so rude and obnoxious about it? There are 1000s of boards you could offer your opinions to that people will appreciate why choose to post rudely? Please choose to go bully someone else. Your belittling statements said over an online forum really are not necessary.

You should try Wedding Wire.

ohannabelle · November 2014

Frankly, because you are proposing graceless ideas, and simultaneously attempting to dictate how people respond to you, and then you got bratty when people didn't do as you demanded. These things are rude. You don't propose conversations while dictating terms of what people should and shouldn't say.

If I knew of a genuinely gracious way to publicly say, "I didn't get you something, but I'd like to tell you what a good thing I did, instead" I would share it.

But there isn't a nice way to brag. There isn't a gracious way to walk around in an expensive gown at an expensive party, and make a public announcement, that hey, look, I'm also a great gal. And all I had to do was not give you a cookie.

There just isn't an appropriate way, at your own party, to announce your charitable work. This is for charitable fundraiser parties, and then someone else might say it about you, or write it down somewhere, and you get your smattering of applause, and fine. But a random announcement of your own good deeds at your own event? No. It comes across as self aggrandizing, which makes your guests uncomfortable.

There's nothing "mean" about telling someone this. They may not realize how self serving it looks.

If a charity is near and dear to your heart, donate, and feel happy. Why do you need to let people at your wedding know?

NYCMercedes · November 2014

Tell your guests with little cards at their place that you took the money you were going to use for needless gifts to them, and gave the money to the whatever.

MGP · November 2014

Ladeda123 said:

I do not want the guests to believe i have done nothing..

Then you have a terrible, disgusting, attention seeking attitude towards being charitable. Donate on your own time and not on your wedding day, donate your wedding gifts/cash, or make a budget cut and donate the difference of one of your own expenses (like your DRESS) and then don't tell a soul if you are so "passionate" about this cause.

Grow up. And go away.

thespeshulestsnowflake · November 2014

Stop saying people are being bullies. You asked a question and got an answer. You did not like said answer. You alsotold people how to post, in your original post here, which is against TOS. And hostestly, IMO if you mention that you are donating to charity in lieu of favors it seems like AH behavior, since favors are not necessary.

wrigleyville · November 2014

You're getting a good cross-sampling of regions and ages, and everyone says it's a bad idea to announce you donated to charity. Perhaps you should think, "Hmm, maybe my guests will feel the same way, since that seems to be the popular opinion."

artbyallie · November 2014

There is no appropriate way to brag about giving to charity at your wedding. It's too bad that you don't like that answer, but that is the answer. You can't tell people not to post if they disagree with you. If someone asked for the best way to jump off a bridge and added 'I'm going to do it anyway, so please don't answer unless you have a way to do it,' we would still advise them not to jump. An extreme example perhaps but nonetheless a good analogy.

Knottie1426944671 · November 2014

Wow, I literally do not know where to begin. I guess I should thank you "regular posters" (as you call yourself) since reading your narrow minded posts made me want to puke over and over again #bestweddingdietever.

Now let me attempt a constructive response (something I haven't seen much of). My brother and his wife had a friend that passed prior to the wedding. In lieu of favors (hold on to your hats, ladies, I'm about to blow your mind) they donated to the charity that had been created in her memory. On the dessert table there was a small framed sign explaining what they had done. Now mind you, I didn't do an exit interview with all of the guests but I am pretty sure people were moved by the donation. Furthermore I can assure you that the WIDOWER who was present at the wedding was deeply touched by what they had done.

That's just my two cents. Anyway I'm sure you all will have a lot to say as it seems like you have perhaps too much free time on your hands. Perhaps you should look into using that time for something more productive...I don't know...like community service. I work in a Children's Hospital and we are always looking for volunteers (*shines tiara).

inwoodsf · November 2014

I've seen this at weddings. Ive seen a note at the place card table or a small gift of chocolates/something with a placard stating something like, "To honor our commitment t o each other and to those who share this day with us we have made a donation to X in lieu of favors" on a table as guests exit.

I like the donation idea. I'm not at a wedding to get a gift or eat a good dinner- those are bonuses. I am at a wedding to celebrate two people who love each other enough to commit to each other and to choose to invite me to share the day- no matter how well I know the bride and groom.

How is it tacky to say, a donation has been made in lieu of favors to blah blah blah because it is important to the bride and groom? Who cares? It's only tacky if you think so little of the bride and groom to judge it. I think the poster's point was to say, I'm doing this at MY wedding, give me ideas how best to do it.

This thread took a weird turn. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Xo

wrigleyville · November 2014

leelee1015 said:

Wow, I literally do not know where to begin. I guess I should thank you "regular posters" (as you call yourself) since reading your narrow minded posts made me want to puke over and over again #bestweddingdietever.

Now let me attempt a constructive response (something I haven't seen much of). My brother and his wife had a friend that passed prior to the wedding. In lieu of favors (hold on to your hats, ladies, I'm about to blow your mind) they donated to the charity that had been created in her memory. On the dessert table there was a small framed sign explaining what they had done. Now mind you, I didn't do an exit interview with all of the guests but I am pretty sure people were moved by the donation. Furthermore I can assure you that the WIDOWER who was present at the wedding was deeply touched by what they had done.

That's just my two cents. Anyway I'm sure you all will have a lot to say as it seems like you have perhaps too much free time on your hands. Perhaps you should look into using that time for something more productive...I don't know...like community service. I work in a Children's Hospital and we are always looking for volunteers (*shines tiara).

Oh, give me a break. Many of us do community service, and many of us have lost loved ones. You're being judgmental simply because you didn't get the, "Oh, what a GREAT idea! You're such an amazing person to think of that!" answers you wanted.

I'm sure the tribute to the deceased was lovely and appreciated, but you will also see people on these boards who think drawing attention to a recent death at a wedding is morbid and awkward at times. Personally, I would think it touching, but why broadcast it if only for the sole purpose of, "Look at how awesome we are!!!" Why couldn't the couple simply tell the widower, "We made a donation in honor of X," separate from a huge crowd of people? Probably because they were going for the wow factor; otherwise, I can't think of any other reason to broadcast it.

I worked a suicide hotline for years. YEARS. I didn't put a single thing regarding that into our wedding programs, favors, etc. We donate to several charities, but we do so without making a big deal of it. When you put up a sign, that's making a big deal of it, which can rub people the wrong way.

I'm sorry the thread didn't go your way, but that's what happens when you open yourself up to a bunch of strangers' opinions.

Viczaesar · November 2014

leelee1015 said:

Wow, I literally do not know where to begin. I guess I should thank you "regular posters" (as you call yourself) since reading your narrow minded posts made me want to puke over and over again #bestweddingdietever.

Now let me attempt a constructive response (something I haven't seen much of). My brother and his wife had a friend that passed prior to the wedding. In lieu of favors (hold on to your hats, ladies, I'm about to blow your mind) they donated to the charity that had been created in her memory. On the dessert table there was a small framed sign explaining what they had done. Now mind you, I didn't do an exit interview with all of the guests but I am pretty sure people were moved by the donation. Furthermore I can assure you that the WIDOWER who was present at the wedding was deeply touched by what they had done.

That's just my two cents. Anyway I'm sure you all will have a lot to say as it seems like you have perhaps too much free time on your hands. Perhaps you should look into using that time for something more productive...I don't know...like community service. I work in a Children's Hospital and we are always looking for volunteers (*shines tiara).

You sound like a self-centered, snotty brat. You should work on that.

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