Bridesmaid vs. Reader

onefootinthebayou · December 2014

Sorry, just learned about this "quote button" thing. I'm not much of a thread participant, obviously, and will likely continue not to be after this but my response to your comment is this:

Thank you, that was helpful. I did ask her to be a bridesmaid and I'm glad I did. In the intro email I sent to all of them, I thanked them for accepting and stated that although I needed them next to me on my wedding day, I understand the reality of being a working woman and did not expect them all to attend the bachelorette, shower, engagement party, etc. if work/time/travel did not permit. In fact, I would never expect that of anyone. Most of the commenters made incorrect assumptions about my expectations. Thank you for your answer, it was definitely more along the lines of the kind of discourse I expected from here. Have a wonderful holiday.

onefootinthebayou · December 2014

slothiegal said:

Please use the quote button. It's a headache to try and decipher who you're responding to.

Everyone responded to your question based on the information you provided. No one was rude to you.

onefootinthebayou said:

Missing the point. I never said what my expectations were. They are low. However, there are more duties that come w/being a bridesmaid than an invited guest. I suppose that is only in my experience though, and clearly that differs from about everyone on here. Either way, thanks for your thoughts.

Yes, and those duties include:

1) getting a dress
2) showing up on time, (fairly) sober

Nothing more. Certainly some BMs feel the need to do more, or are ABLE to do more, and that's fine. But those seriously are the only actual "duties".

onefootinthebayou · December 2014

Thank you for teaching me about the quote button, I'm not much of an internet commenter. Perhaps rude was an overstatement but if my friends & family spoke to me the way most of these people did, I would be a bit put off. Lesson learned.

onefootinthebayou · December 2014

redoryx said:

onefootinthebayou said:

I can see I've made a mistake from soliciting advice from the strangers on this site. I thought this might be a forum where I could get some thoughtful advice from others going through the same (happy) time as me but, like the hopeless abyss of most internet comment threads, I'm left discouraged by the mildly unfriendly to outright condescending tone of the comments, "Um, what responsibilities? Oh my God, you're a bridezilla, the wedding industry has infiltrated your expectations, blah blah blah". No one except annakay511 really got my point and I'm honestly surprised at how many of you could be so incredibly perceptive as to assume to know what my expectations of a bridal party are. My question came from my own experience as a bridesmaid several times over, and I did find myself traveling, attending & planning parties, assisting the bride to be, etc. much more than I would have would I have just been an invited guest. I guess that I would just suggest to nearly all of you that you just like you think before you speak, please think before you comment. Ask yourself, "Am I really so free from criticism that I can be rude or make assumptions about someone who asked a simple question when I have so little information about their situation and when, in fact, I don't know them at all?" In any case, I'm sorry I posted here, it's funny how so few responses offered any sort of advice and so many just talked about yourselves. Bummed about my first post on The Knot. Boo.

**i swear there are boxes when I type this up**

I think it's just a misunderstanding of what a BM or MOH is because, yes, it is a step up from being an invited guest. The role of a Bridesmaid or a Maid of Honor is just that -- an honor. You, the bride, are honoring them by asking them to stand beside you. You are telling everyone who attends the wedding that these are your nearest and dearest. You don't treat your nearest and dearest like hired help by expecting them to do a bunch of stuff.

If they volunteer on their own, that's perfectly fine. But, as I said above, it's the expectations of the bride when it becomes voluntold that is the problem in these situations.

onefootinthebayou · December 2014

Thank you, but yes, there is clearly nearly 100% misunderstanding on this post. I listed absolutely nothing about my expectations in my original question, perhap my misplay. Bottom line is that there are more time & $ commitments in being a bridesmaid and that is not up for debate. It's just been my exact experience and that is what I am drawing from. Most seem to have assumed the worst about me (which makes no sense) and again assumed that I would be placing all of these wild expectations on my bridal party, which I'm not. I have always been honored to be selected as a bridesmaid, a reader, and more recently just a guest at a very small wedding. In any case, it's a moot point, I'm just disappointed at the tone of most of the commenters on here. I thought this was supposed to be a happy and helpful environment where we all share good ideas and keep the snark to ourselves. My mistake. In any case, thank you for taking the time to comment.

abbyj700 · December 2014

OP - I'm really confused on what you're taking offense to. You asked, people answered. They let you know that it's a common misconception that wedding party members have special duties outside of getting appropriate attire and showing up.

If you're just starting in to your planning, step back, take a breath and relax. Taking offense to advice from strangers will do nothing but leave you stressed out for no reason. The whole process is overwhelming enough without constantly becoming defensive. Good luck! :-)

redoryx · December 2014

onefootinthebayou said:

Thank you, but yes, there is clearly nearly 100% misunderstanding on this post. I listed absolutely nothing about my expectations in my original question, perhap my misplay. Bottom line is that there are more time & $ commitments in being a bridesmaid and that is not up for debate. It's just been my exact experience and that is what I am drawing from. Most seem to have assumed the worst about me (which makes no sense) and again assumed that I would be placing all of these wild expectations on my bridal party, which I'm not. I have always been honored to be selected as a bridesmaid, a reader, and more recently just a guest at a very small wedding. In any case, it's a moot point, I'm just disappointed at the tone of most of the commenters on here. I thought this was supposed to be a happy and helpful environment where we all share good ideas and keep the snark to ourselves. My mistake. In any case, thank you for taking the time to comment.

In your original post you mentioned you didn't want to make her feel obligated to take on the responsibilities and time commitment of being a bridesmaid. All we were trying to point out is that there are no responsibilities and the time commitment is minimum -- go buy the dress, maybe get some alternations, then show up in the dress. That's all she has to do. And your post was all we had to go on, so, yes, it did seem like you had expectations above and beyond what is required of a BM.

flantastic · December 2014

onefootinthebayou said:

Thank you for teaching me about the quote button, I'm not much of an internet commenter. Perhaps rude was an overstatement but if my friends & family spoke to me the way most of these people did, I would be a bit put off. Lesson learned.

I'm just going to copy and paste what I recently wrote on another thread.

That's part of the point. People come on here all the time and when we tell them they have a bad idea, they respond with "well all of my friends/family/guests love the idea!" when really they're just saying so in order to keep from hurting their feelings. You come here to hear the truth from strangers. We care about you too, but in a different way - we want to help prevent you from making an ass of yourself in front of the people you actually know. That doesn't require that we dress up the truth.

If it helps, OP, I'm confident you're a decent person, but the industry-fueled imaginary "duties" of bridesmaids are a common misconception among many well-intended people, so everyone here just meant to clarify that point for you as well.

slothiegal · December 2014

onefootinthebayou said:

Thank you for teaching me about the quote button, I'm not much of an internet commenter. Perhaps rude was an overstatement but if my friends & family spoke to me the way most of these people did, I would be a bit put off. Lesson learned.

Yeah, well, we're not your "friends & family" and we will not give you that sort of coddling. That's the great thing about these boards, we will give you an unbiased viewpoint.

onefootinthebayou · December 2014

flantastic said:

onefootinthebayou said:

Thank you for teaching me about the quote button, I'm not much of an internet commenter. Perhaps rude was an overstatement but if my friends & family spoke to me the way most of these people did, I would be a bit put off. Lesson learned.

I'm just going to copy and paste what I recently wrote on another thread.
That's part of the point. People come on here all the time and when we tell them they have a bad idea, they respond with "well all of my friends/family/guests love the idea!" when really they're just saying so in order to keep from hurting their feelings. You come here to hear the truth from strangers. We care about you too, but in a different way - we want to help prevent you from making an ass of yourself in front of the people you actually know. That doesn't require that we dress up the truth.
If it helps, OP, I'm confident you're a decent person, but the industry-fueled imaginary "duties" of bridesmaids are a common misconception among many well-intended people, so everyone here just meant to clarify that point for you as well.

onefootinthebayou · December 2014

Fair enough, point taken. Thank you.

onefootinthebayou · December 2014

slothiegal said:

onefootinthebayou said:

Thank you for teaching me about the quote button, I'm not much of an internet commenter. Perhaps rude was an overstatement but if my friends & family spoke to me the way most of these people did, I would be a bit put off. Lesson learned.

Yeah, well, we're not your "friends & family" and we will not give you that sort of coddling. That's the great thing about these boards, we will give you an unbiased viewpoint.

onefootinthebayou · December 2014

Understood, but it's kind of presumptuous to assume my friends & family coddle me. They don't. Let's put it a different way - I tend to be a bit formal in my communications and I guess I was just taken aback at some of the responses. If I communicated this way with clients or colleagues, although I wouldn't likely be fired, I would not continue to be liked and well respected. In any case, I learned that an internet forum is not necessarily a good fit for me in terms of soliciting advice. Just a personal choice.

onefootinthebayou · December 2014

abbyj700 said:

OP - I'm really confused on what you're taking offense to. You asked, people answered. They let you know that it's a common misconception that wedding party members have special duties outside of getting appropriate attire and showing up.

If you're just starting in to your planning, step back, take a breath and relax. Taking offense to advice from strangers will do nothing but leave you stressed out for no reason. The whole process is overwhelming enough without constantly becoming defensive. Good luck! :-)

onefootinthebayou · December 2014

That's actually very good advice & I appreciate it. In 4 weeks, I've knocked out venue, dress, guest list, hotel block, asked all bridesmaids in person, found their dresses, selected a cake, and received Save the Dates, all while working full time & traveling to no less than 7 cities in that same four weeks. Interestingly, I've experienced zero stress and have had a ton of fun doing these activities. I credit that stresslessness to finding the right person & being so excited to throw a fun party for my friends, family, coworkers, and fiance's family, friends, & coworkers. It's clear I didn't give enough detail in my original post but I'm going to have to stick by my original reaction of being disappointed in the comments. It really has nothing to do with the wedding but in a larger sense I just hate the way people on the internet treat each other. It's why I never post comments (and why I didn't know how to use the quote thing). I just tend to be put off by people making assumptions that are completely baseless and untrue - and now I see that they made those assumptions b/c I provided so little detail. But they were still wrong and I didn't get a lot out of this experience except to learn that this is not the best forum for me to seek advice. I guess I'm better at face to face interactions. In any case, thank you for taking the time to respond & I hope you have a great holiday.

Viczaesar · December 2014

Okay, in order to quote properly you hit "quote" and then you type your response in the same box before you hit "post reply."

slothiegal · December 2014

onefootinthebayou said:

Understood, but it's kind of presumptuous to assume my friends & family coddle me. They don't. Let's put it a different way - I tend to be a bit formal in my communications and I guess I was just taken aback at some of the responses. If I communicated this way with clients or colleagues, although I wouldn't likely be fired, I would not continue to be liked and well respected. In any case, I learned that an internet forum is not necessarily a good fit for me in terms of soliciting advice. Just a personal choice.

I'm not getting paid to post politely here. Just stating the facts in an effort to help you avoid hurting feelings. Nothing more, nothing less. Take it or leave it.

onefootinthebayou · December 2014

Yeah, ya lost me there. First it's "unbiased opinion", now it's facts. I can't keep up & am clearly confused. All I know is, I posted a benign question, got about net zero of good advice, and a ration of criticism. Being a scientist, I guess I tend to be a little more analytical in terms of communicating but then again, this was my first and I'm sure will be my last post. Either way, I'm glad you taught me about that quote thing. Seemed like hitting "reply" would have made sense but at least I learned a new trick today.

Viczaesar · December 2014

onefootinthebayou said:

Yeah, ya lost me there. First it's "unbiased opinion", now it's facts. I can't keep up & am clearly confused. All I know is, I posted a benign question, got about net zero of good advice, and a ration of criticism. Being a scientist, I guess I tend to be a little more analytical in terms of communicating but then again, this was my first and I'm sure will be my last post. Either way, I'm glad you taught me about that quote thing. Seemed like hitting "reply" would have made sense but at least I learned a new trick today.

What a load of crap. You got quite a bit of good advice. It's nobody's fault but your own that you're too busy having a hissy fit to pay any attention to it.

onefootinthebayou · December 2014

I wasn't having a hissy fit, I was busy yesterday closing my year at work & bouncing around on here in the evening and I was just surprised at what I found. I took exception to the tone of the comments and I said something about it. I'm sorry that seemed to have upset you. I thought this was supposed to be a polite environment and I was wrong. It's my own fault for expecting more from a free online service where commenters aren't vetted or up-voted like they are on Reddit, so the best comments rise to the top. I suppose it's fitting that this one is at the bottom! Maybe next time don't make assumptions about a poster and say things that are aggressive. It's a much better way to start the day. Happy Holidays.

onefootinthebayou · December 2014

Viczaesar said:

onefootinthebayou said:

Yeah, ya lost me there. First it's "unbiased opinion", now it's facts. I can't keep up & am clearly confused. All I know is, I posted a benign question, got about net zero of good advice, and a ration of criticism. Being a scientist, I guess I tend to be a little more analytical in terms of communicating but then again, this was my first and I'm sure will be my last post. Either way, I'm glad you taught me about that quote thing. Seemed like hitting "reply" would have made sense but at least I learned a new trick today.

What a load of crap. You got quite a bit of good advice. It's nobody's fault but your own that you're too busy having a hissy fit to pay any attention to it.

onefootinthebayou · December 2014

And for the record, I've actually SEEN a sloth in the wild in Nicaragua. They do not wear dresses. That's just ridiculous.

redoryx · December 2014

You not liking the good advice you received does not mean you didn't receive good advice.

onefootinthebayou · December 2014

redoryx said:

You not liking the good advice you received does not mean you didn't receive good advice.

Once again, it's not about "liking" the advice. I'm bright enough to understand that opinions are objective. You're off-topic. What happened was, any advice I got was lost in the direction the thread took, which was dominated by incorrect assumptions of what my expectations were. As I said many times, it was my mistake for not posting enough detail in the original post. This is not a productive conversation. I made my decision and I'm happy with the way it turned out. I posted the question on a whim but I made the decision using my own judgement and the relationship I had with my friend, which turned out to be the right call.

photokitty · December 2014

onefootinthebayou said:

And for the record, I've actually SEEN a sloth in the wild in Nicaragua. They do not wear dresses. That's just ridiculous.

There is no way I will read anything on the internet today that can beat this statement

Viczaesar.

ETA: please note, I used my sarcasm font on that second bit.

onefootinthebayou · December 2014

photokitty said:

onefootinthebayou said:

And for the record, I've actually SEEN a sloth in the wild in Nicaragua. They do not wear dresses. That's just ridiculous.

There is no way I will read anything on the internet today that can beat this statement

Viczaesar.

ETA: please note, I used my sarcasm font on that second bit.

onefootinthebayou · December 2014

Haha, finally. Someone who really gets me. I just added "sarcasm font" to my Christmas list.

AddieCake · December 2014

I am so confused. Am I drunk again?

Viczaesar · December 2014

photokitty said:

onefootinthebayou said:

And for the record, I've actually SEEN a sloth in the wild in Nicaragua. They do not wear dresses. That's just ridiculous.

There is no way I will read anything on the internet today that can beat this statement

Viczaesar.

ETA: please note, I used my sarcasm font on that second bit.

Amen!

rnsoon · December 2014

OP - First, welcome to the internet, where anyone can say anything they like, and it's not illegal unless it's a threat on someone's life.

Secondly, think like a scientist, if you are in fact a scientist. You stated, "I don't want her to feel obligated to take on the time and responsibilities of being a bridesmaid", or something to that effect. The content of this sentence would lead readers to believe that you have expectations of your bridesmaids outside the realm of buying a dress, possibly getting it altered, and showing up to your wedding. You cannot argue against that, there is no way, and I apologize for that. The majority of brides DO believe, because of the wedding media/market, that bridesmaids have to help with crafts, throw parties, and have all these other ridiculous assumptions of catering to the bride. AS ETIQUETTE STATES, and you are on the etiquette board, they need a dress that mostly fits and they need to be relatively sober at your wedding, as they have promised by accepting your offer to be a bridesmaid. Those are the only two responsibilities, neither of which take an unnecessary amount of time.

You were not given any ill advice, nor did anyone reply with snarky responses or intentions of being mean. You were given good advice relative to the content of your original posts. Maybe you should have been more clear IN that original post what time constraints and responsibilities you were thinking of so your readers did not HAVE to make assumptions.

Also, I'm fairly certain nobody believes wild animals wear clothing. It is purely for humor. The internet is FILLED with it. Try it some time, it's quite fun.

Carry on.

Edited for grammar.

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