Can I put an age limit on invitations?

nhultberg461 · January 2015

My fiancé's sister and I do not see eye to eye, saying it in the politest way possible. I do not want to have kids that are under the age of 13 allowed at the reception. My two children are part of the wedding party and will be over the age of 13 at the time of the wedding. Granted this is my second wedding, but I did not do the whole ceremony dress and reception for my first, I eloped. I want to make sure this is a special day for both of us. But don't want to be bullyied into letting guests bring kids that are under the age of 13. And also we are paying for this on our own.

LondonLisa · January 2015

nhultberg461 said:

My fiancé's sister and I do not see eye to eye, saying it in the politest way possible. I do not want to have kids that are under the age of 13 allowed at the reception. My two children are part of the wedding party and will be over the age of 13 at the time of the wedding. Granted this is my second wedding, but I did not do the whole ceremony dress and reception for my first, I eloped. I want to make sure this is a special day for both of us. But don't want to be bullyied into letting guests bring kids that are under the age of 13. And also we are paying for this on our own.

No, it is rude to say who is not invited so you absolutely cannot have an age limit or "adults only" on the invitation. It is fine having an adults-only party; you just address the invitation to those who are invited. However, what does your Fiance say? This is his niece/nephew afterall and he might want them there.

Also, it is rude to split up families. So if you have the Smith family invited with children aged 15 and 9, it is very rude to only invite the elder child.

ETA: It doesn't matter who is paying for your wedding, as an adult with 2 children I would find it strange if you weren't paying for this on your own. The only 2 people, regardless of age, who are responsible for paying for the wedding are the bride and groom so that make absolutely ZERO change on any advice. Also, be careful of the word "bullying"- asking to bring a child may be rude, but it is hardly bullying.

mikenberger · January 2015

nhultberg461 said:

My fiancé's sister and I do not see eye to eye, saying it in the politest way possible. I do not want to have kids that are under the age of 13 allowed at the reception. My two children are part of the wedding party and will be over the age of 13 at the time of the wedding. Granted this is my second wedding, but I did not do the whole ceremony dress and reception for my first, I eloped. I want to make sure this is a special day for both of us. But don't want to be bullyied into letting guests bring kids that are under the age of 13. And also we are paying for this on our own.

It's fine not to invite children outside of the wedding party.

What is not okay is when you are splitting up families because of your age rule. So example: Aunt Melba has two kids. One is 15 and the other is 8. It's all or none. When writing out the invites: outer envelope: Mr and Mrs John Smith. Inner envelope: Melba and John Smith. A lot of brides also put on their RSVPs the number of seats they have available for them. If it's a family of four and you only have two seats available on your RSVP card, you're going to get the hint that someone's not invited and it ain't your spouse.

If someone tries to RSVP their children, kindly call them and tell them that the invite was for them and their spouse/SO. Just expect more declines if you have a lot of friends with younger ones. And if FSIL wants to engage on the topic, she's not paying. "FI and I have decided jointly that we are not inviting children to our wedding. Have you tried the bean dip? FABULOUS." Immediately redirect the conversation. If you find out she's telling people that they can bring their children regardless of your wishes, it's your FI's place to step in and tell her to shut it down. If people show up with their kids, have someone run interference for you to tell them they do not have a seat nor food for the child and they will have to go home. (Not sure if I'd go that far, but if you're hell bent on no kids, go for it.)

But why the age 13 rule? Why not make it simple like 18?

nhultberg461 · January 2015

I'll give a little back story, my fiancé suffered a bleed in the brain and then three strokes in June. His sister came to our home (we live together as a family), he put me as his medical power of attorney. His sister was threatening to take me to court saying that the power of attorney was invalid, and then also wanted to take me to court for custody of him to take him out of state. She was the only one that was not excited/thrilled about us getting engaged. He has what is called aphasia, which is a brain disorder. He also had another brain surgery in December. To say that he and I have gone through a lot in the last 6 months is not a light statement. I have tried to get along with his sister. She took over our house when she was there with her youngest son. And if and when I spoke my mind about something I was told by his family that I needed to apologize for hurting her feelings. Now his mom and older sister have been nothing but supportive through this whole process and have said thank you and everything. But this is my day and I will not be bullied because she wants things her way. I'm not going to pay for another head at the reception, again WE ARE PAYING FOR THIS WHOLE WEDDING.

mikenberger · January 2015

nhultberg461 said:

I'll give a little back story, my fiancé suffered a bleed in the brain and then three strokes in June. His sister came to our home (we live together as a family), he put me as his medical power of attorney. His sister was threatening to take me to court saying that the power of attorney was invalid, and then also wanted to take me to court for custody of him to take him out of state. She was the only one that was not excited/thrilled about us getting engaged. He has what is called aphasia, which is a brain disorder. He also had another brain surgery in December. To say that he and I have gone through a lot in the last 6 months is not a light statement. I have tried to get along with his sister. She took over our house when she was there with her youngest son. And if and when I spoke my mind about something I was told by his family that I needed to apologize for hurting her feelings. Now his mom and older sister have been nothing but supportive through this whole process and have said thank you and everything. But this is my day and I will not be bullied because she wants things her way. I'm not going to pay for another head at the reception, again WE ARE PAYING FOR THIS WHOLE WEDDING.

No need for a back story, you don't need to give one to reasons to invite/not invite at your wedding. I'm glad to read that your FI is doing better though. Hopefully your FMIL and other FSIL will step in when little sister gets into a tizzy.

nhultberg461 · January 2015

My daughter will be 15 and my son 13 by the time we get married. But again they are part of the wedding party.

The cost of putting together a wedding on a tight budget is another reason. And even if I had my parents help with the costs, I still would look at the cost per head for everything. Most of our friends and family have children that are/or will be above the age of 13 as well.

LondonLisa · January 2015

nhultberg461 said:

I'll give a little back story, my fiancé suffered a bleed in the brain and then three strokes in June. His sister came to our home (we live together as a family), he put me as his medical power of attorney. His sister was threatening to take me to court saying that the power of attorney was invalid, and then also wanted to take me to court for custody of him to take him out of state. She was the only one that was not excited/thrilled about us getting engaged. He has what is called aphasia, which is a brain disorder. He also had another brain surgery in December. To say that he and I have gone through a lot in the last 6 months is not a light statement. I have tried to get along with his sister. She took over our house when she was there with her youngest son. And if and when I spoke my mind about something I was told by his family that I needed to apologize for hurting her feelings. Now his mom and older sister have been nothing but supportive through this whole process and have said thank you and everything. But this is my day and I will not be bullied because she wants things her way. I'm not going to pay for another head at the reception, again WE ARE PAYING FOR THIS WHOLE WEDDING.

Yes, I understand that is a difficult back story, but that is still not relevant to anything. It is fine to have an age limit as long as it doesn't split up families. Does your Fiance want his niece/nephew there? It is still rude to put it on the invitation or otherwise highlight who isnt invited and still doesn't matter if you are paying for the wedding.

LondonLisa · January 2015

nhultberg461 said:

My daughter will be 15 and my son 13 by the time we get married. But again they are part of the wedding party.
The cost of putting together a wedding on a tight budget is another reason. And even if I had my parents help with the costs, I still would look at the cost per head for everything. Most of our friends and family have children that are/or will be above the age of 13 as well.

So did you come up with this age limit to prevent only this child from attending? That seems fairly petty, honestly.

dcbride86 · January 2015

nhultberg461 said:

I'll give a little back story, my fiancé suffered a bleed in the brain and then three strokes in June. His sister came to our home (we live together as a family), he put me as his medical power of attorney. His sister was threatening to take me to court saying that the power of attorney was invalid, and then also wanted to take me to court for custody of him to take him out of state. She was the only one that was not excited/thrilled about us getting engaged. He has what is called aphasia, which is a brain disorder. He also had another brain surgery in December. To say that he and I have gone through a lot in the last 6 months is not a light statement. I have tried to get along with his sister. She took over our house when she was there with her youngest son. And if and when I spoke my mind about something I was told by his family that I needed to apologize for hurting her feelings. Now his mom and older sister have been nothing but supportive through this whole process and have said thank you and everything. But this is my day and I will not be bullied because she wants things her way. I'm not going to pay for another head at the reception, again WE ARE PAYING FOR THIS WHOLE WEDDING.

I'm very sorry about everything you and your husband have been through. That must have been very hard. I'm a bit confused about why his sister granted you power of attorney (did she even have power to do that?) if she was just going to threaten to sue you for it later. Are there 2 sisters?

But either way... how many children are you talking about? Would your age rule break up a family? Also, how does your FI feel about this?

nhultberg461 · January 2015

Are you paying for my wedding? I'm not splitting her family up, the rest of her children are above the age of 13 and get their own invite. I'm asking not only his family but my family not to bring anyone under the age of 13. Really it doesn't matter whose paying, really do you have millions set aside for your wedding? Do you have an unlimited amount of funds to pay for everything?

nhultberg461 · January 2015

No my fiancé gave me the power the attorney, and she didn't like it, because we aren't married yet. I do not think I'm being petty, sheesh you women are mean.

mikenberger · January 2015

nhultberg461 said:

Are you paying for my wedding? I'm not splitting her family up, the rest of her children are above the age of 13 and get their own invite. I'm asking not only his family but my family not to bring anyone under the age of 13. Really it doesn't matter whose paying, really do you have millions set aside for your wedding? Do you have an unlimited amount of funds to pay for everything?

Whoa. You really need to take it down a notch. I understand your emotions are on a very high level right now, but we're trying to help you.

nhultberg461 · January 2015

I would but I feel attacked.

dcbride86 · January 2015

nhultberg461 said:

No my fiancé gave me the power the attorney, and she didn't like it, because we aren't married yet. I do not think I'm being petty, sheesh you women are mean.

I wasn't being mean. I was genuinely confused because I thought you said she granted you POW, which was confusing to me. I also never said you were being petty. So I'm pretty confused by your response.

LondonLisa · January 2015

nhultberg461 said:

Are you paying for my wedding? I'm not splitting her family up, the rest of her children are above the age of 13 and get their own invite. I'm asking not only his family but my family not to bring anyone under the age of 13. Really it doesn't matter whose paying, really do you have millions set aside for your wedding? Do you have an unlimited amount of funds to pay for everything?

1.) If the rest of her children are invited then by definition, yes you are splitting up her family which is rude. Either invite all of her children or none.

2.) Only adults over 18 need their own invitation

3.) It doesn't matter who is paying for the wedding with regards to how you treat her. Even if you were paying, Bill Gates was paying or your fairy godmother was paying, it is rude to split up a family.

It really sounds like you just do not want this one child there...

dcbride86 · January 2015

nhultberg461 said:

Are you paying for my wedding? I'm not splitting her family up, the rest of her children are above the age of 13 and get their own invite. I'm asking not only his family but my family not to bring anyone under the age of 13. Really it doesn't matter whose paying, really do you have millions set aside for your wedding? Do you have an unlimited amount of funds to pay for everything?

You say you aren't splitting up a family. So that means that any family with at least 1 child invited has all children invited? Because inviting only some children is what we mean when we say "splitting up a family"

mikenberger · January 2015

Nobody is attacking you, I promise. We understand that you're paying for your own wedding and you do not want children under 13 there. I was asking for clarification because within my own circle of friends, I would be splitting families up if I did that. So for an easier route, I would choose to go with the 18 rule. But if you're not splitting families up, 13 is perfectly fine. No worries! Here's a kitten being cute. Hopefully it makes you smile!

nhultberg461 · January 2015

Others are on here and it just seems like those aren't really understanding what I'm trying to say. I'm not asking her to break up her family. I'm asking all those invited not to bring kids under the age of 13. I figured 13 and older would more than likely be more easily entertained and not crying and having fits. But why should I have to cater to one person just because. It was a simple question that I asked and then all of sudden it was like attack the person asking the question.

LondonLisa · January 2015

dcbride86 said:

nhultberg461 said:

No my fiancé gave me the power the attorney, and she didn't like it, because we aren't married yet. I do not think I'm being petty, sheesh you women are mean.

I wasn't being mean. I was genuinely confused because I thought you said she granted you POW, which was confusing to me. I also never said you were being petty. So I'm pretty confused by your response.

I said it was petty to come up with a rule to purposefully exclude one child in a family. Not calling OP petty, but if that was the case, that behaviour seems rather petty (and downright rude) to me. Yes, I get that the sister is difficult, but do not invite her other children and only not allow this 1 child not to come...

nhultberg461 · January 2015

But if I say over 18 doesn't that then exclude my two children?

dcbride86 · January 2015

nhultberg461 said:

Others are on here and it just seems like those aren't really understanding what I'm trying to say. I'm not asking her to break up her family. I'm asking all those invited not to bring kids under the age of 13. I figured 13 and older would more than likely be more easily entertained and not crying and having fits. But why should I have to cater to one person just because. It was a simple question that I asked and then all of sudden it was like attack the person asking the question.

There's no attacking. You have not yet answered my question, though: would this rule result in ANY situation where 1 (or more) child was invited, but that child's sibling is under the age of 13 and therefore will not be invited?

LondonLisa · January 2015

No one is attacking you- I am just genuinely confused. Does this sister have more than 1 child as you said that her other children will be there? As long as you are not splitting invitations with siblings (15 invited, 7 not) you are fine. It is just rude to explicitly state on the invitation: "13 and up only" or "adults only".

nhultberg461 · January 2015

In any situation. I feel like this is really a celebration of what he and I have gone through in the last 6 months. And would rather have our closest friends with us at this time. I do not feel that in my opinion that having children under the age of 13 is petty.

nhultberg461 · January 2015

All of her children are moved out of the house, and above the age of 18.

novella1186 · January 2015

nhultberg461 said:

I would but I feel attacked.

No one is attacking you. The advice given was very straight-forward, honest, and practical.

By "splitting up families" that means that some kids from a family are invited but other kids from that same family are not invited. This is very rude. And it sounds like that's what you're trying to do. It's ok to not invite kids, or to invite in "circles" (meaning relatives can bring kids but friends can't, or something else along those lines).

You'd be better off only allowing your own kids to attend and no one else's, rather than inviting some kids from one family but not the other kids from that same family. Do you know what I mean?

If my parents and sister were invited to an event but I was not invited, I'd be very hurt, and I'm sure my parents would question why I was snubbed in such a blatant way.

I'm sorry for the trouble with your FSIL.

dcbride86 · January 2015

nhultberg461 said:

All of her children are moved out of the house, and above the age of 18.

Okay, then why does she care about the age limit? FI and I are not inviting any children except for immediate family kids (who are all in the wedding). But we would never invite 1 child and not his/her sibling. So long as you avoid this, you're fine.

LondonLisa · January 2015

nhultberg461 said:

But if I say over 18 doesn't that then exclude my two children?

No, because you shouldn't explicitly say ANYTHING about who is and isn't invited with regards to an age limit. The Smiths have a 15 year old named Susan, you send the invitation addressed like this:

Mr and Mrs John Smith

Susan Smith

The Bakers have a 3 year old. Their invitation reads:

Mr and Mrs David Baker

Also, Children in the wedding party (your children) are generally exempt from any "no children" rule. You are free to invite (or not invite) any children you want, but don't split up siblings.

redoryx · January 2015

nhultberg461 said:

But if I say over 18 doesn't that then exclude my two children?

1) They are your kids

2) They are in the wedding party.

People will understand if they are the only under 18 people at the wedding and if they don't understand or whine about it, that's on them.

nhultberg461 · January 2015

So in other words the safest honest way to go without hurting anyone's feelings, what on the invitations?

I've already tried to reduce the drama of the day by not inviting some of my uncles who would be disrespectful of my dad. (my own parents are divorced).

So if you just state the Mr. & Mrs. on the invite does that pretty much state that you are not bringing your children?

novella1186 · January 2015

nhultberg461 said:

All of her children are moved out of the house, and above the age of 18.

The sister's children are all above 18? I'm confused. But if they're above 18 and no longer live with their parent, then they get their own separate invitation. Therefore, if you do not want to invite them, you simply don't send them an invitation. And address their parents' invitation specifically with the parents' name as a PP stated.

You're allowed to invite or not invite anyone you want. No worries. But, as a few of us have mentioned, it's not ok to invite SOME children from a family and then specifically exclude the other children from that same family.

And don't put anything like age limits on the invitation.

dcbride86 · January 2015

nhultberg461 said:

So in other words the safest honest way to go without hurting anyone's feelings, what on the invitations?
I've already tried to reduce the drama of the day by not inviting some of my uncles who would be disrespectful of my dad. (my own parents are divorced).
So if you just state the Mr. & Mrs. on the invite does that pretty much state that you are not bringing your children?

Correct. You address the invitation only to those who are invited. If the children are not on the invitation, they aren't invited. If the RSVP cards include the children, politely call them and explain that the invitation was only extended to the parents.

Can I put an age limit on invitations?

Re: Can I put an age limit on invitations?

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