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A polite way to say no crying babies during the ceremony

nyarmoshnyarmosh member
First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I am okay with kids coming to the wedding, however, I am having a videographer for the ceremony and would like to look back a nice ceremony experience. For me, the nice ceremony experience would be ruined by a crying baby. So the solution I have come up with is that I would hire an onsite babysitter (lots of babysitting experience etc) that would watch the babies during the 20-30 minute ceremony. Parents could call and chat with this babysitter prior to the wedding so that they could get to know her and feel more comfortable. Also, she would only be about 30-40 feet away from the ceremony in another room. 

What is a polite way to say this to parents of babies, that they can bring the baby but the baby is not invited to the ceremony? I was thinking of adding a separate note in the invitation politely saying this, but I am not sure what to specifically say in the note. I want it to be direct and that it is NOT OPTIONAL to use the babysitter but rather MANDATORY if they want the baby to come. 

I'd appreciate your help ... thanks!
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Re: A polite way to say no crying babies during the ceremony

  • Blue_BirdBlue_Bird member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    There is no polite way to do this. It would be quite rude, and very off-putting. If this is something you just can't let go, either don't invite parents with their infants, or don't invite parents of infants at all.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I am not sure how you'll be able to parent other people's children.  At least in my circle of friends, if it was mandatory to use a babysitter if they brought their baby to the ceremony, there is a good chance they wouldn't show up or wouldn't feel comfortable leaving their baby to a stranger (even if they did talk/meet before hand).
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  • mikenbergermikenberger member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    nyarmosh said:

    I am okay with kids coming to the wedding, however, I am having a videographer for the ceremony and would like to look back a nice ceremony experience. For me, the nice ceremony experience would be ruined by a crying baby. So the solution I have come up with is that I would hire an onsite babysitter (lots of babysitting experience etc) that would watch the babies during the 20-30 minute ceremony. Parents could call and chat with this babysitter prior to the wedding so that they could get to know her and feel more comfortable. Also, she would only be about 30-40 feet away from the ceremony in another room. 


    What is a polite way to say this to parents of babies, that they can bring the baby but the baby is not invited to the ceremony? I was thinking of adding a separate note in the invitation politely saying this, but I am not sure what to specifically say in the note. I want it to be direct and that it is NOT OPTIONAL to use the babysitter but rather MANDATORY if they want the baby to come. 

    I'd appreciate your help ... thanks!

    Wow. That's quite a rude thing to do to your family and friends. Why are you inviting children at all if you don't want them ruining your perfect ceremony? You are perfectly within etiquette not to invite children to the festivities but you are being absolutely rude and inconsiderate to your guests to forbid their children from going to the ceremony and demanding that they leave them with a stranger.

    Absolutely not. You are 100% wrong.

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  • ViczaesarViczaesar member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Ugh.



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  • rcher912rcher912 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    Yeah, you can say mandatory all you want, I'm not seeing how you can enforce it without, like...ushers/security guards turning away small children at the door. Yikes.

    I think it's a great option to offer - I know lots of parents who might want their kids to sit out of a quiet ceremony, but be all up for bringing them to the dinner/party, but "mandatory" is a bit much.
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  • artbyallieartbyallie mod
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    FWIW, a baby cried during our ceremony. We didn't even notice and our videographer was able to edit out the crying on the audio.

    But if you invite babies, you cannot take them away from their parents. Most people are intelligent and responsible enough to get them out quickly if they start crying.
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  • ohannabelleohannabelle member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    No. There is absolutely no polite way to say this.

    And mandatory to use a baby sitter chosen by someone other than a parent??????
    I don't think so. Inviting a guest doesn't give you the right to issue mandates about who babysits their children.  

    If, as a guest, I received the information that this was "NOT OPTIONIAL but MANDATORY" I'd be sending the controlling Bridezilla a quick decline. No gift would follow. 
    It's not just controlling and presumptuous, it's insulting to imply that I wouldn't know how to make a quick and graceful exit with a fussy baby. 
     
    Out of line, in every way.

    Mandatory: (Adjective)
    1
    :  required by a law or rule.





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  • MGPMGP member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    banana468 said:
    show previous quotes

    So true! Just today my normally doting daddy of a laid back husband turned to our 4 year old in the car and said "can you PLEASE just be quiet for 5 minutes?" and in her matter-of-fact little girl voice she said "no Dada I cannot".

    That being said, I would still exit stage left if she chattered through a wedding.
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    There's no polite way to do this. If you're that concerned, don't invite kids.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    The only polite way to prevent babies or small children crying at your wedding is to not invite them.
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    FFS. This is so wrong. Just don't invite kids.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • JoanE2012JoanE2012 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    nyarmosh said:
    I am okay with kids coming to the wedding, however, I am having a videographer for the ceremony and would like to look back a nice ceremony experience. For me, the nice ceremony experience would be ruined by a crying baby. So the solution I have come up with is that I would hire an onsite babysitter (lots of babysitting experience etc) that would watch the babies during the 20-30 minute ceremony. Parents could call and chat with this babysitter prior to the wedding so that they could get to know her and feel more comfortable. Also, she would only be about 30-40 feet away from the ceremony in another room. 

    What is a polite way to say this to parents of babies, that they can bring the baby but the baby is not invited to the ceremony? I was thinking of adding a separate note in the invitation politely saying this, but I am not sure what to specifically say in the note. I want it to be direct and that it is NOT OPTIONAL to use the babysitter but rather MANDATORY if they want the baby to come. 

    I'd appreciate your help ... thanks!
    It sounds like you should really have a child-free wedding.
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    Moderator 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    I didn't want crying babies at my ceremony either. It's my pet peeve when people don't just remove a fussing baby. So distracting...

    We solved this by not inviting children at all. There are zero polite ways to police others' parenting. You're having trouble wording it because it's rude.
    *********************************************************************************

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  • jenijoykjenijoyk member
    Tenth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    I am an insane control freak and before my wedding I worried about a lot of things I didn't need to worry about. Including babies crying, although I never went so far as to consider banning them from the ceremony. But unless you are a total insane person, on your actual wedding day I PROMISE you will not care. You really, really won't. At least one baby cried during our ceremony. If I noticed at the time, I so did not care and did not remember because I was on Cloud 9 and too busy actually getting married. Watched my wedding video, I still didn't notice the crying baby because I was too busy sniffling and marveling at how good I looked in my dress. I literally DID NOT NOTICE the crying baby until I watched my wedding video for like the third time, with my bridesmaid/best friend, who noticed the cry only because it was her baby. And she turned to me on the couch and went, "Oh my god! Is that [Susie]?" At which point we both laughed. ZERO CARES GIVEN. 

    You're stressing over something you don't need to stress over. I get it. Weddings sometimes make people lose their minds. I lost mine at multiple points pre-wedding, stressing over ridiculous things that in the end don't matter - my MIL wearing white, guests bringing uninvited guests, people getting too drunk, people not wearing appropriately formal attire, guests arriving late, guests arriving too early... things you just cannot control and things that really, big picture, do not matter. This is one of those things. You'll be fine. Forget the babysitter idea. Forget putting something offensive in your invites. Just take a deep breath and believe me that you will not care about this on the day of your wedding. 
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  • JBee85JBee85 member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited February 2015
    Even if you don't invite kids... Some parents will look at the RSVP and actually think their babies don't count because they aren't getting a meal/plate/seat at your reception and that it "wouldn't matter." I had TWO couples bring their babies to my wedding even though my invites were specifically addressed to the couple only. I mean... What was I going to do? Stop the ceremony altogether and tell them to leave?

     I was very fortunate their babies did not cry during the ceremony or speeches, and the parents actually sat in the back of the church in case they had to take their baby out. In addition I was SO busy with other guests and happenings at my own wedding that I honestly didn't notice them at all.

    So yea, be VERY prepared for people to still bring their babies to your wedding and you find out the day of because they will honest to God think their baby will not affects their RSVP.
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  • 00kim0000kim00 member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer
    I disagree with the trend here that your idea is somehow more rude than a child-free wedding, though your wording was a little harsh. You clearly want a child-free wedding, despite what your first sentence says. Though i personally don't understand (i wanted as many kids as possible at my wedding!), it seems the etiquette police say it's totally fine. However, you seem to also realize that this may be difficult for some families, so you want to help relieve the burden of finding childcare. That, to me, is a step above banning children altogether. The question is just how to do it so what happened here doesn't happen with your honored guests and people see it as positive rather than totally rude. Here's my thought:

    1. invite just the parents, as you would for a child free wedding. Lots of advice on these boards on how to do that, but basically say nothing on the invite about who is not invited

    2. Follow up later with the applicable parents, after they get the invite bit before rsvps are due. Talk to them as you normally would (in person, Facebook, whatever) and let them know if they're having trouble finding childcare you have someone who's interested in babysitting and you'd happily cover the cost if it can help them attend. As you see from the reactions here, it's not likely many will take you up on it. You may just end up with 1 family,and if that happens you can pay the sitter to go to their house. If more than one family is interested, explain the shared sitter and offer locations, which may include near the ceremony or at someone's house.

    But don't mention it on the invite. And to be safe, once you decide how you want to handle it, post another thread here. People here may seem harsh, but they'll keep you from doing something perceived as very rude, and it's better to offend internet strangers than your friends and family! If your approach flies here, you're good to go.
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    00kim00 said:
    I disagree with the trend here that your idea is somehow more rude than a child-free wedding, though your wording was a little harsh. You clearly want a child-free wedding, despite what your first sentence says. Though i personally don't understand (i wanted as many kids as possible at my wedding!), it seems the etiquette police say it's totally fine. However, you seem to also realize that this may be difficult for some families, so you want to help relieve the burden of finding childcare. That, to me, is a step above banning children altogether. The question is just how to do it so what happened here doesn't happen with your honored guests and people see it as positive rather than totally rude. Here's my thought: 1. invite just the parents, as you would for a child free wedding. Lots of advice on these boards on how to do that, but basically say nothing on the invite about who is not invited 2. Follow up later with the applicable parents, after they get the invite bit before rsvps are due. Talk to them as you normally would (in person, Facebook, whatever) and let them know if they're having trouble finding childcare you have someone who's interested in babysitting and you'd happily cover the cost if it can help them attend. As you see from the reactions here, it's not likely many will take you up on it. You may just end up with 1 family,and if that happens you can pay the sitter to go to their house. If more than one family is interested, explain the shared sitter and offer locations, which may include near the ceremony or at someone's house. But don't mention it on the invite. And to be safe, once you decide how you want to handle it, post another thread here. People here may seem harsh, but they'll keep you from doing something perceived as very rude, and it's better to offend internet strangers than your friends and family! If your approach flies here, you're good to go.
    Why do you think it's rude to not invite children? Children are not a social unit with their parents.. Minor children can be added to their parent's invitation, but they are invited or not invited just like any other guest. Likewise, if they are invited, they need to be invited to both the ceremony and reception. 

    The only people you must invite are significant others. You also should not split up minor siblings. Other than that, you can pick and choose who to invite, because a child is a guest, just like an adult is a guest.
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  • pinkjunebride15pinkjunebride15 member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its

    We're not having children either and we are also having an onsite babysitter. What we're doing is including a separate letter with the invite polietly stating that our ceremony and reception is a 10 year+ event and that we have provided an onsite babysitter for the whole day. We really tried to make the letter about the kids having the best day and not having to behave themselves or sit still and about how the parents would have a better day. Honestly, if people get pissy because their kid can't come, that's fine. It's my day, not theirs and if I don't want kids there then that's my choice...same with you. You've gone above and beyond by providing a babysitter and letter them know..that's really all you have to do. If people call and bitch just polietly say that you've provided a babysitter for their convenience and really just leave it at that. If they don't come, well, cheaper wedding for you.

     

    Enjoy!

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    00kim00 said:
    I disagree with the trend here that your idea is somehow more rude than a child-free wedding, though your wording was a little harsh. You clearly want a child-free wedding, despite what your first sentence says. Though i personally don't understand (i wanted as many kids as possible at my wedding!), it seems the etiquette police say it's totally fine. However, you seem to also realize that this may be difficult for some families, so you want to help relieve the burden of finding childcare. That, to me, is a step above banning children altogether. The question is just how to do it so what happened here doesn't happen with your honored guests and people see it as positive rather than totally rude. Here's my thought: 1. invite just the parents, as you would for a child free wedding. Lots of advice on these boards on how to do that, but basically say nothing on the invite about who is not invited 2. Follow up later with the applicable parents, after they get the invite bit before rsvps are due. Talk to them as you normally would (in person, Facebook, whatever) and let them know if they're having trouble finding childcare you have someone who's interested in babysitting and you'd happily cover the cost if it can help them attend. As you see from the reactions here, it's not likely many will take you up on it. You may just end up with 1 family,and if that happens you can pay the sitter to go to their house. If more than one family is interested, explain the shared sitter and offer locations, which may include near the ceremony or at someone's house. But don't mention it on the invite. And to be safe, once you decide how you want to handle it, post another thread here. People here may seem harsh, but they'll keep you from doing something perceived as very rude, and it's better to offend internet strangers than your friends and family! If your approach flies here, you're good to go.
    How exactly is a child-free wedding rude?  Some people just don't want to invite children.  There is nothing rude about not wanting kids at your wedding.  Would you say that if a couple doesn't want to invite their adult cousins that they are being rude?  Or if a couple doesn't want to invite their Aunts and Uncles then they are rude?  People can pick and choose who they want to invite.  But what is rude is inviting a group of people and then making it mandatory that that group of people be placed in a separate location for the ceremony because they may make noise.

    OP, my niece (18 months at the time) cried as soon as our officiant started talking.  My sister (my nieces Mom) was my MOH and she and I looked at each other when my niece started crying and almost busted out laughing.  My nieces timing was just so spot on that it was hilarious.  Her Dad immediately took her out of the ceremony area.

    As long as you and your FI are married at the end of the ceremony then your ceremony is not ruined.

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