Wedding Party

DRAMA-Please HELP!

edited February 2015 in Wedding Party

I would like to apologize first if this seems to be a very longgggg forum but I am being driven crazy and wondering if fellow brides can help me out here??

 

I am marrying my fiancé in June this year after a long 2 years engagement! We’ve been together for almost 8 years now it’s finally happening! Unfortunately what is supposed to be my happy time is leaving me very confused by my future sister in law's behavior (my fiance’s brother’s wife).

 

Background – I’ve known my sister in law about 7 years now I would say? But we lived in different states up until recently (November 2014) when the brother and her moved to the same state as us due to job relocation. We were very civil towards each other, she was actually a nice person but we just never grew close due to living in different states and so we see each other when we see each other, not necessarily during holidays because me and my fiancé would go home to visit his mom (parents divorced) but the brother and sister in law never did (another story – but briefly explains here the family was from upstate NY, sister in law used to live there but since she moved out she never stepped foot back in to visiting the mom, and brother just followed her footstep, she doesn’t talk to her own mother either, for whatever reason, but that isn’t my business to dwell into it).

 

What happened – we were invited to their new home on New Year Eve 2014, but since I had to work and didn’t feel like driving into the city, so we didn’t go. My fiance’s younger brother and his boyfriend went because they live in the same city as the older brother and sister in law. Background on younger brother and boyfriend – known them for the past 4 years and hung out many many times because they have always live in the same state as me and my fiancé). So during the night, the conversation lead into our wedding parties, and the older brother and sister in law found out the boyfriend is invited to be a groomsman, but the sister in law did not (I did not invite her because I did not even have her phone numbers, that says how "close" we were - mind you she never even asked me once how was the wedding planning or congratulated me since we got engaged). At this point the boyfriend was very uncomfortable that he was asked and she wasn't in the wedding.


We received phone calls from both the younger brother and the older brother on New Year’s Day.

 

January 1st, 2015 – older brother called and told my fiancé his wife is crushed because she felt she was purposely left out, and younger brother called and told my fiancé his boyfriend felt uncomfortable to be in the wedding now because of this. As soon as I heard that, I felt really bad that I didn’t even think of the optic of the scenario and how bad it looked on my fiance’s part, so I immediately reached out to the sister in law (remember I didn’t have her phone number, I got it from the younger brother which he got it from Facebook). I called her 3 times and she did not pick up, texted her twice, nothing either. Comes to find out she had also deleted me from her Facebook (our relationship is described as Facebook friends, at best). Not exactly sure what else was there to do, I waited about a week and emailed her.

 

January 7th, 2015 – I emailed her and explained everything to her, told her she was not purposely left out and apologized if her feeling was hurt. Waited about 2 days she finally responded, said she had heard people were upset but she has not spoken to anyone about this and haven’t done anything, and my email to her was a surprised and explanation of my wedding choices was unnecessary (I chose my best friend aka my sister and 3 of my girlfriends from college, by the way).

 

Everyone in my family and his parents told me I don’t have to do anything else at this point (although the future MIL did say if I had a chance, I should ask her to be in my wedding), just move on with my wedding planning. Which I did. Now the end of January, after a month of not talking to anyone (my fiancé hasn’t talked to his brothers either), as I know how important family is to my fiancé, so I made and mailed my sister in law a card asking her to be my bridesmaid (as suggested by the future MIL) and I hope she accept it for both me and my fiancé. She never responded.

 

February 15th, 2015 – My fiancé finally called the younger brother telling him his boyfriend does not need to be in the wedding anymore if he’s not comfortable, and they both agreed. Through the conversation, the younger brother told my fiancé that they did meet with the older brother and sister in law for dinner recently, and she told everyone she hasn’t talked to us and hopefully everything is ok, all she wants is just for everyone to be happy, didn’t mention a word on I’ve tried to reached out to her 8 different times by even asking her to be my bridesmaid. Naturally the younger brother and the boyfriend thought I never reached out to her since I found out she was upset, which is not the case at all.

 

So now my question is – what do I do next? I certainly won’t be surprised even she is invited she won’t show up anyway. After all I’ve done to try to reach out to her (I literally did not do anything to her for her to derive this kind of behavior). I am very furious at this point and this has caused me anxiety, what should I do? How do you deal with such future sister in law?? She pretty much burned all bridges at this point and her husband is 100% with her. HELP!!

«1345678

Re: DRAMA-Please HELP!

  • I would like to apologize first if this seems to be a very longgggg forum but I am being driven crazy and wondering if fellow brides can help me out here??

     

    I am marrying my fiancé in June this year after a long 2 years engagement! We’ve been together for almost 8 years now it’s finally happening! Unfortunately what is supposed to be my happy time is being sabotaged by my sociopath future sister in law (my fiance’s brother’s wife).

     

    Background – I’ve known my sister in law about 7 years now I would say? But we lived in different states up until recently (November 2014) when the brother and her moved to the same state as us due to job relocation. We were very civil towards each other, she was actually a nice person but we just never grew close due to living in different states and so we see each other when we see each other, not necessarily during holidays because me and my fiancé would go home to visit his mom (parents divorced) but the brother and sister in law never did (another story – but briefly explains here the family was from upstate NY, sister in law used to live there but since she moved out she never stepped foot back in to visiting the mom, and brother just followed her footstep, she doesn’t talk to her own mother either, for whatever reason, but that isn’t my business to dwell into it).

     

    What happened – we were invited to their new home on New Year Eve 2014, but since I had to work and didn’t feel like driving into the city, so we didn’t go. My fiance’s younger brother and his boyfriend went because they live in the same city as the older brother and sister in law. Background on younger brother and boyfriend – known them for the past 4 years and hung out many many times because they have always live in the same state as me and my fiancé). So during the night, the conversation lead into our wedding parties, and the older brother and sister in law found out the boyfriend is invited to the wedding, but the sister in law did not (I did not invite her because I did not even have her phone numbers). We received phone calls from both the younger brother and the older brother on New Year’s Day.

     

    Janaury 1st, 2015 – older brother called and told my fiancé his wife is crushed because she felt she was purposely left out, and younger brother called and told my fiancé his boyfriend felt uncomfortable to be in the wedding now because of this. As soon as I heard that, I felt really bad that I didn’t even think of the optic of the scenario and how bad it looked on my fiance’s part, so I immediately reached out to the sister in law (remember I didn’t have her phone number, I got it from the younger brother which he got it from Facebook). I called her 3 times and she did not pick up, texted her twice nothing either. Comes to find out she had also deleted me from her Facebook (our relationship is described as Facebook friends, at best). Not exactly sure what else was there to do, I waited about a week and emailed her.

     

    January 7th, 2015 – I emailed her and explained everything to her, told her she was not purposely left out and apologized if her feeling was hurt. Waited about 2 days she finally responded, said she had heard people were upset but she has not spoken to anyone about this and haven’t done anything, and my email to her was a surprised and explanation of my wedding choices was unnecessary (I chose my best friend aka my sister and 3 of my girlfriends from college, by the way). First sign of sociopathic behavior without having conscience.

     

    Everyone in my family and his parents told me I don’t have to do anything else at this point, just move on with my wedding planning. Which I did. Now the end of January, after a month of not talking to anyone (my fiancé hasn’t talked to his brothers either), as I know how important family is to my fiancé, so I made and mailed my sister in law a card asking her to be my bridesmaid and I hope she accept it for both me and my fiancé. She never responded.

     

    February 15th, 2015 – My fiancé finally called the younger brother telling him his boyfriend does not need to be in the wedding anymore if he’s not comfortable, and they both agreed. Through the conversation, the younger brother told my fiancé that they did meet with the older brother and sister in law for dinner recently, and she told everyone she hasn’t talked to us and hopefully everything is ok, all she wants is just for everyone to be happy, didn’t mention a word on I’ve tried to reached out to her 8 different times by even asking her to be my bridesmaid, totally sociopathic behavior by  turning herself (as an aggressor) to a victim. Naturally the younger brother and the boyfriend thought I never reached out to her since I found out she was upset, which is not the case at all.

     

    So now my question is – what do I do next? I don’t even want her to come to my wedding anymore, and certainly won’t be surprised even she is invited she won’t show up anyway (but the dilemma is the older brother is obviously in the wedding). After all I’ve done to try to reach out to her (I literally did not do anything to her for her to derive this kind of behavior), I am convinced she is a sociopath. I am very furious at this point and this has caused me anxiety, what should I do? I don’t want to see her face but if I don’t invite her I’ll be the bad person again, she will definitely keep playing victim. How do you deal with such sociopath?? HELP!!

    What?

    What is the actual issue here? Is FSIL upset because she isn't in the wedding party and brother's boyfriend is? Or is she upset at not being invited to the actual wedding with her husband (which would have been as simple as putting her name on the invitation addressed to her house along with her husband's).

    If she's upset at not being in the WP, ignore ignore ignore. No one is owed a place in the WP. Older BIL will make his own decision about attending. She should still be invited to the wedding along with him.

    If she's upset about not being invited to the wedding at all (per the bolded) she is absolutely right.
  • I would like to apologize first if this seems to be a very longgggg forum but I am being driven crazy and wondering if fellow brides can help me out here??

     

    I am marrying my fiancé in June this year after a long 2 years engagement! We’ve been together for almost 8 years now it’s finally happening! Unfortunately what is supposed to be my happy time is being sabotaged by my sociopath future sister in law (my fiance’s brother’s wife).

     

    Background – I’ve known my sister in law about 7 years now I would say? But we lived in different states up until recently (November 2014) when the brother and her moved to the same state as us due to job relocation. We were very civil towards each other, she was actually a nice person but we just never grew close due to living in different states and so we see each other when we see each other, not necessarily during holidays because me and my fiancé would go home to visit his mom (parents divorced) but the brother and sister in law never did (another story – but briefly explains here the family was from upstate NY, sister in law used to live there but since she moved out she never stepped foot back in to visiting the mom, and brother just followed her footstep, she doesn’t talk to her own mother either, for whatever reason, but that isn’t my business to dwell into it).

     

    What happened – we were invited to their new home on New Year Eve 2014, but since I had to work and didn’t feel like driving into the city, so we didn’t go. My fiance’s younger brother and his boyfriend went because they live in the same city as the older brother and sister in law. Background on younger brother and boyfriend – known them for the past 4 years and hung out many many times because they have always live in the same state as me and my fiancé). So during the night, the conversation lead into our wedding parties, and the older brother and sister in law found out the boyfriend is invited to the wedding, but the sister in law did not (I did not invite her because I did not even have her phone numbers). We received phone calls from both the younger brother and the older brother on New Year’s Day.

     

    Janaury 1st, 2015 – older brother called and told my fiancé his wife is crushed because she felt she was purposely left out, and younger brother called and told my fiancé his boyfriend felt uncomfortable to be in the wedding now because of this. As soon as I heard that, I felt really bad that I didn’t even think of the optic of the scenario and how bad it looked on my fiance’s part, so I immediately reached out to the sister in law (remember I didn’t have her phone number, I got it from the younger brother which he got it from Facebook). I called her 3 times and she did not pick up, texted her twice nothing either. Comes to find out she had also deleted me from her Facebook (our relationship is described as Facebook friends, at best). Not exactly sure what else was there to do, I waited about a week and emailed her.

     

    January 7th, 2015 – I emailed her and explained everything to her, told her she was not purposely left out and apologized if her feeling was hurt. Waited about 2 days she finally responded, said she had heard people were upset but she has not spoken to anyone about this and haven’t done anything, and my email to her was a surprised and explanation of my wedding choices was unnecessary (I chose my best friend aka my sister and 3 of my girlfriends from college, by the way). First sign of sociopathic behavior without having conscience.

     

    Everyone in my family and his parents told me I don’t have to do anything else at this point, just move on with my wedding planning. Which I did. Now the end of January, after a month of not talking to anyone (my fiancé hasn’t talked to his brothers either), as I know how important family is to my fiancé, so I made and mailed my sister in law a card asking her to be my bridesmaid and I hope she accept it for both me and my fiancé. She never responded.

     

    February 15th, 2015 – My fiancé finally called the younger brother telling him his boyfriend does not need to be in the wedding anymore if he’s not comfortable, and they both agreed. Through the conversation, the younger brother told my fiancé that they did meet with the older brother and sister in law for dinner recently, and she told everyone she hasn’t talked to us and hopefully everything is ok, all she wants is just for everyone to be happy, didn’t mention a word on I’ve tried to reached out to her 8 different times by even asking her to be my bridesmaid, totally sociopathic behavior by  turning herself (as an aggressor) to a victim. Naturally the younger brother and the boyfriend thought I never reached out to her since I found out she was upset, which is not the case at all.

     

    So now my question is – what do I do next? I don’t even want her to come to my wedding anymore, and certainly won’t be surprised even she is invited she won’t show up anyway (but the dilemma is the older brother is obviously in the wedding). After all I’ve done to try to reach out to her (I literally did not do anything to her for her to derive this kind of behavior), I am convinced she is a sociopath. I am very furious at this point and this has caused me anxiety, what should I do? I don’t want to see her face but if I don’t invite her I’ll be the bad person again, she will definitely keep playing victim. How do you deal with such sociopath?? HELP!!

    To the bolded, I am confused. She is not invited to the wedding because you don't have her phone number??? Her husband is in the wedding!!! Of course she should be invited!!!
  • Sorry guys, typo - upset because she wasn't part of the wedding parties!!! Hence I tried everything to make it right, but she completely ignored me, deleted me off Facebook wouldn't talk to me at all, so I am not sure if she's coming to my wedding at this point. Her behavior is making me nausea. It's worth noting too she is 38, I am 29.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited February 2015
    What exactly is your FSIL upset about? Not being invited to the wedding (which is totally justified if her husband is invited) or not being in your wedding party (which is unjustifiable)?
  • Oh okay, that makes more sense. While she still needs to be invited to the wedding, you can just ignore her behavior. I would also suggest seating the wedding party and their SO at their own table away from you guys.

  • I think you and your FI are making a mountain out of a molehill and playing into her drama. So she's hurt you didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid? So what? You barely know her. If I were you, I would just let her wallow in her self-created drama and not ask her to be a BM, but that ship has sailed.

    I REALLY don't understand why your FI basically kicked out his brother's BF. That was SUPER uncalled for. 

    Honestly, at this point, I would do nothing. You've reached out to her via phone, text, email, snail mail. You've done your due diligence and the ball is in her court. Let her talk shit. You know the truth and the truth always comes out anyway - especially with something like that. People will probably find out you've reached out and asked her to be a BM and they'll know she lied. 

    People like your SIL end up burning bridges with people and losing credibility because they manipulate and lie. Let her dig her own grave. Be the bigger person and ignore her childish antics. You sound like a people pleaser. You can't please everyone - learn this now.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • mikenbergermikenberger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited February 2015
    If you post on multiple boards, please use XP in your title. 

    ETA (because I posted on your other thread): I wouldn't classify her as a sociopath. She's a drama queen at best. Stop feeding her your time. You are going far out of your way to accommodate her tantrum. And, DO NOT PUT HER IN YOUR WEDDING PARTY. Crimney. She threw a tantrum. And then she was invited into the bridal party after the fact. You didn't have to invite her then to join the party and you didn't have to invite her now.

    There seems to be some missing pieces though. She deleted you from Facebook and then everybody made a mountain out of a molehill and now the brother is out of the wedding party and everybody is in a tizzy. 

    I would absolutely STOP trying to make amends with her. I don't know why you continue down this path. Let her have her tantrum and move on.

    image
  • My fiancé didn't have a choice because the younger brother told him that his boyfriend is super uncomfortable to be in the wedding as she wasn't in my wedding, which I also disagree it almost as he was siding with her childish behavior.
  • My fiancé didn't have a choice because the younger brother told him that his boyfriend is super uncomfortable to be in the wedding as she wasn't in my wedding, which I also disagree it almost as he was siding with her childish behavior.
  • My fiancé didn't have a choice because the younger brother told him that his boyfriend is super uncomfortable to be in the wedding as she wasn't in my wedding, which I also disagree it almost as he was siding with her childish behavior.
    I think several people are making it uncomfortable for him. He's not "siding with" anyone. I think assuming such things about "sides" are what's gotten the whole lot of you embroiled in this drama in the first place.
  • My fiancé didn't have a choice because the younger brother told him that his boyfriend is super uncomfortable to be in the wedding as she wasn't in my wedding, which I also disagree it almost as he was siding with her childish behavior.
    Why does everybody in your family care that she's being a child? Did she threaten people or call/text/email threatening things to people? Or she got into a flurry, deleted you from Facebook (AGHAST!) and won't speak to you?

    Oh well. Shit happens. Life is tough, get a helmet. It seems like you're trying to kill a fly with a shotgun. So much overkill.

    image
  • I am not sure. It bothers me too. It's like she is turning this into her wedding... I am trying everything to amend things with her because I know how much my fiancé cared about his family and his brother, I just don't want the brothers stop talking to each other due to a sister in law throwing tantrum. I am super exhausted by the drama and can't seems to concentrate on the wedding planning without thinking about it... how could someone treats a bride like this knowing this will certainly cause distress?
  • I am not sure. It bothers me too. It's like she is turning this into her wedding... I am trying everything to amend things with her because I know how much my fiancé cared about his family and his brother, I just don't want the brothers stop talking to each other due to a sister in law throwing tantrum. I am super exhausted by the drama and can't seems to concentrate on the wedding planning without thinking about it... how could someone treats a bride like this knowing this will certainly cause distress?
    I, too, am exhausted from the drama.

    I don't understand why everybody is flipping out, yourself included, about this woman not being in the wedding party. 

    image
  • Wait... what?

    A woman who you aren't in contact with, and don't get along with wants to be in your wedding party, so you kick out someone who you wanted to be in the party and ask her instead???

    How does that make any sense at all?


    image
  • I did not kick anyone out - I was just adding her in if it will make everyone happy. And I said we have always been civil, I did not dislike her, but just didn't think we were close enough for her to be in my wedding... just didn't expect her reaction when she found out she wasn't asked.
  • I did not kick anyone out - I was just adding her in if it will make everyone happy. And I said we have always been civil, I did not dislike her, but just didn't think we were close enough for her to be in my wedding... just didn't expect her reaction when she found out she wasn't asked.
    No, but you essentially kicked out the brother's boyfriend because she had a fit about not being in the wedding. You didn't have to put the SIL in the wedding party. You were 1000% correct. You're not close enough for the wedding party? That's just fine.

    What's NOT okay is the subsequent actions. You need to chill out and let her have her fit and everybody else needs to get over it. I *still* don't get the reason why everybody is running around trying to appease this woman.
    image


    image
  • How exactly is she being a sociopath? Are you a pyschologist? If not, you might want to lay off the armchair diagnosis.

    She might be acting childish, but you are the one feeding this drama. Let it go.

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Ok so you didn't kick him out. You had a conversation with him about how he now feels uncomfortable and he agreed to not be in the wedding party. If he was so important to you that you wanted him in the wedding party to begin with, why would you allow her behavour to dictate who is in your wedding party? Why would you not reassure him that everything is fine and that you really want him to be involved? instead of letting her win??


    image
  • Unfortunately asking the boyfriend not to be in the wedding was also part of trying to amend with her - I guess as southernbelle0915 asked why I am trying to please everyone - I don't know, unfortunately my fiancé and I have always been like this, always being nice to people.. apparently not worth it.

    Thanks for the advice everyone I really appreciate it!


  • You keep using the word sociopath and I'm pretty sure you don't actually know what that word means. 

    You and your FI are making this so much more complicated.  You didn't need to reach out to her explaining your choice, and suggesting your brother's BF step down was also out of line.  Why did you kick him out to make amends? It doesn't make any sense.  Just let it go, don't respond to anyone's comments about the wedding, and stop sharing your wedding details with others.  If people do bring it up, simply change the subject. 


    image
  • Forgive me if I'm missing something. Your FBIL is the one who actually called your Fi to complain that his wife was crushed. She hasn't said one word to you about  it.

    Knottie10513705  said, "January 7th, 2015 – I emailed her and explained everything to her, told her she was not purposely left out and apologized if her feeling was hurt. Waited about 2 days she finally responded, said she had heard people were upset but she has not spoken to anyone about this and haven’t done anything, and my email to her was a surprised and explanation of my wedding choices was unnecessary (I chose my best friend aka my sister and 3 of my girlfriends from college, by the way)."

    Her response to your e-mail was appropriate and gracious. I would take her at her word and not pursue the subject.

    The only thing that sticks out, in your post, is that she deleted you from FB, but you don't know when that happened, right? Did the two of you communicate through FB frequently? She may have deleted old contacts.

                       
  • edited February 2015

    I wouldn't call it "gracious". Ignoring family member's calls, texts, email, snail mail, is far from gracious. She had obviously had her husband called my FI, she was obviously the reason why everyone isn't talking to each other.

    She deleted me immediately after I tried calling her multiple times, found out simply because I was going to FB message her, in fact I just "liked" her post an hour prior the brother calling.

     

  • levioosa said:

    I wouldn't call it "gracious". Ignoring family member's calls, texts, email, snail mail, is far from gracious. She had obviously had her husband called my FI, she was obviously the reason why everyone isn't talking to each other.

    She deleted me immediately after I tried calling her multiple times, found out simply because I was going to FB message her, in fact I just "liked" her post an hour prior the brother calling.

     

    I'm starting to think SIL isn't the main drama llama in the family.  You're hounding her with calls, texts, and emails.  Seriously.  Just leave it alone. 
    This is what I was thinking... that's a bit much. She might have deleted you from facebook just to get some space. If you were calling multiple times and also texting and also facebooking and also emailing and also sending cards, she might have thought "Sheesh give it a rest!" I mean, think of it from her side. That's a lot. 
    image
  • I wouldn't call it "gracious". Ignoring family member's calls, texts, email, snail mail, is far from gracious. She had obviously had her husband called my FI, she was obviously the reason why everyone isn't talking to each other.

    She deleted me immediately after I tried calling her multiple times, found out simply because I was going to FB message her, in fact I just "liked" her post an hour prior the brother calling.

    I mean, ok. You're trying to contact her to make amends. She is wrong to talk shit and try to have people "pick sides" (*MAJOR eye roll*). But you need to be the bigger person here.

    Don't hound her. Send her an email explaining the situation, and then leave. it. alone. Back off. Stop pour gas on the drama. She's like a real life internet troll. Stop feeding her. 

    If anyone asks, all you have to say is, "I asked her to be a BM on XX date via text and email. She hasn't responded yet. I tried to send her a FB message but for some reason we're not friends any more. I tried to re-friend her, but haven't heard anything." That is enough to let people know what's really going on, yet not make you look like a shit talker. If they pry, just say "I'm really not sure" and change the subject. You will look like the bigger person.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited February 2015
    JFC I am exhausted just reading this, it is like being back in high school! I think you both need to relax and stop creating all this drama!

    How can she sabotage your wedding? Is she going to kidnap the officiant? Rip up your marriage license? You will still get married regardless of her behaviour.

    You say she is trying to "make this her wedding"- she cannot do this without your permission. Is she going to call up your vendors and change your packages? Show up in a wedding gown and try to marry your fi?

    Leave her alone and just let her make an arse out of herself. The only time it reflects poorly on you is when you engage with the behaviour and get sucked into this drama. 

    1. Back off from the whole wedding party thing for now
    2. Ignore her and stop creating all this drama by indulging everyone's tantrums
    3. Focus on planning all the other parts of your wedding
  • It's too early for this. I need more coffee. This all sounds like some very petty, immature drama. 
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards