DRAMA-Please HELP!

redoryx · February 2015

Knottie10513705 said:

Yes, agree on letting it go. As I mentioned earlier, the emailed was sent beginning of January. So in response to her email, I said nothing more than ok I'll see you next time when everyone decides to get together. Done.
But after the email while I talked to my fiancé, he did say we were being inconsiderate for not asking her to be in the wedding while the younger brother's boyfriend was, so I naturally want everyone to be happy (now I talked to my future MIL she said at this point I should try asking her to be in the wedding) - hence the card to ask her to be my bridesmaid. If there isn't any drama going on with her, couldn't she respond to that - or graciously say no to that at least?
Also someone asked about my age, I am 29.

Well yeah, after she tells you that everything is okay and you don't need to explain your choices for bridal party, you basically extended her a pity B-list Bridesmaid invitation. That wouldn't make me feel that great.

Knottie10513705 · February 2015

That's not a pity B-list. That was my FMIL advice and I took it... I sincerely want her to be in my wedding.

It's rude to not respond, PERIOD.

mikenberger · February 2015

Knottie10513705 said:

That's not a pity B-list. That was my FMIL advice and I took it... I sincerely want her to be in my wedding.
It's rude to not respond, PERIOD.

SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO RESPOND TO YOU. AT ALL. EVER. ON ANY PLANET. AND YOU DO NOT WANT HER IN YOUR WEDDING PARTY. YOU ADDED HER AFTER YOUR FH'S BROTHER CALLED YOU TO TELL YOU SHE WAS CRUSHED SHE WASN'T IN IT.

Fucking fucking seriously fuck.

[Deleted User] · February 2015

Knottie10513705 said:

That's not a pity B-list. That was my FMIL advice and I took it... I sincerely want her to be in my wedding.
It's rude to not respond, PERIOD.

It's also RUDE and downright RIDICULOUS that you continue to harass this person for a response. HER NON-RESPONSE IS THE RESPONSE.

redoryx · February 2015

Knottie10513705 said:

That's not a pity B-list. That was my FMIL advice and I took it... I sincerely want her to be in my wedding.
It's rude to not respond, PERIOD.

If that were true, you would have asked her way back when you asked all of your other bridesmaids.

There was nothing wrong or inconsiderate about not asking her. But now you've put her in a position where she probably knows you're only asking her because you've perceived some made-up-drama and are acting on your FMIL's advice. It's like when a mom tells an older sibling they have to take their younger sibling to the party to make them feel included. It's a shitty, shitty place to be in as that younger sibling.

When she emailed you, she said it's all okay. She didn't care, didn't mind, didn't want to be in the wedding party and now she probably wants to be in it even LESS because of the circumstances regarding being asked. But she can't say NO after all this drama but she doesn't want to be in it so is hesitant to commit and say yes.

levioosa · February 2015

Dude, it was totally a pity B-list. And I'm sure she felt that way too. But she wasn't even upset to begin with, so I'm sure she just rolled her eyes and went on with her life.

Is this really how you want to be introduced to your FI's family? You are the biggest drama instigator ever.

snarkymaid · February 2015

OP, listen. You say you want her in the wedding, but I don't think that's true, or else you would have asked her from the start. That's fine. You didn't have to include her then, and you didn't have to extend the invitation now.

But now that you've gone tripping over yourself to include her after the fact, she probably DOES feel like it's a pity invitation, even if you don't intend it to be. It seems to me that, in your attempt to smooth any ruffled feathers, you've made the situation worse by 1. making her feel like an afterthought, and 2. sending her too many messages for her liking.

Does it suck that she's not responding to you? Sure. But she probably needs some breathing room and you're overwhelming her. Just let it go, be nice when you see her (seriously, it isn't that hard to be around people you don't like, or who you think don't like you, whatever the situation actually is here. I can't keep up), and maybe she'll come around. Maybe she won't, but it won't ruin your wedding or your marriage.

flantastic · February 2015

Knottie10513705 said:

That's not a pity B-list. That was my FMIL advice and I took it... I sincerely want her to be in my wedding.
It's rude to not respond, PERIOD.

Just because it's your FMIL's advice does not make it not a pity B-list. How is that so difficult to see?

At least Donna Meagle owns her drama.

KatWAG · February 2015

Knottie10513705 said:

Unfortunately asking the boyfriend not to be in the wedding was also part of trying to amend with her - I guess as southernbelle0915 asked why I am trying to please everyone - I don't know, unfortunately my fiancé and I have always been like this, always being nice to people.. apparently not worth it.
Thanks for the advice everyone I really appreciate it!

being nice people and being a doormat are not the same thing.

levioosa · February 2015

I need some wine after three pages of this shit and it's not even ten a.m.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2015

mikenberger said:

Knottie10513705 said:

I am not sure. It bothers me too. It's like she is turning this into her wedding... I am trying everything to amend things with her because I know how much my fiancé cared about his family and his brother, I just don't want the brothers stop talking to each other due to a sister in law throwing tantrum. I am super exhausted by the drama and can't seems to concentrate on the wedding planning without thinking about it... how could someone treats a bride like this knowing this will certainly cause distress?

I, too, am exhausted from the drama.

I don't understand why everybody is flipping out, yourself included, about this woman not being in the wedding party.

OMFG OP, your FI's brother is married to a Drama Lama. Let me guess, she acts like this all the time?

Just stahp with this women right now- stop feeding into her drama and need for attention, stop trying to make amends, just stop. Ignore her and all further comments and ignore anyone in your FI's family who brings this shit up to you again.

Your FI needs to tell his brother, "Dude, your wife needs to get over herself and chill the hell out." Or if your FI is that concerned with the matter, he should ask her to stand on his side.

And your FI also needs to profusely apologize to his other brother and his BF for being so rude as to ask the BF to step out of the WP. Super, super rude and offensive. You don't offend and hurt another person in an attempt to appease a person who is acting like a selfish, immature ass. Ever.

But seriously, who the hell are these women who get this butthurt over NOT being asked to waste money on a dress they will never wear again, waste time standing around getting ready on the wedding day, have to stand uncomfortably for 20-40mins during the ceremony, then have to stand around some more for pictures, etc?

MairePoppy · February 2015

levioosa · February 2015

@prettygirllost

I don't think SIL is the drama llama, if you read the rest of the thread.

flantastic · February 2015

PrettyGirlLost said:

mikenberger said:

Knottie10513705 said:

I am not sure. It bothers me too. It's like she is turning this into her wedding... I am trying everything to amend things with her because I know how much my fiancé cared about his family and his brother, I just don't want the brothers stop talking to each other due to a sister in law throwing tantrum. I am super exhausted by the drama and can't seems to concentrate on the wedding planning without thinking about it... how could someone treats a bride like this knowing this will certainly cause distress?

I, too, am exhausted from the drama.

I don't understand why everybody is flipping out, yourself included, about this woman not being in the wedding party.

OMFG OP, your FI's brother is married to a Drama Lama. Let me guess, she acts like this all the time?

Just stahp with this women right now- stop feeding into her drama and need for attention, stop trying to make amends, just stop. Ignore her and all further comments and ignore anyone in your FI's family who brings this shit up to you again.

Your FI needs to tell his brother, "Dude, your wife needs to get over herself and chill the hell out." Or if your FI is that concerned with the matter, he should ask her to stand on his side.

But seriously, who the hell are these women who get this butthurt over NOT being asked to waste money on a dress they will never wear again, waste time standing around getting ready on the wedding day, have to stand uncomfortably for 20-40mins during the ceemony, then have to stand around some more for pictures, etc?

It doesn't even sound like she's actually butthurt. And if she is, she played it off in an appropriate and mature way already. Everyone else in the family is creating the drama.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2015

levioosa said:

@prettygirllost

I don't think SIL is the drama llama, if you read the rest of the thread.

I'm catching up, but she's the one who threw the fit about not being in the WP. . . and then apparently other people in the OP's FI's family joined in to support her, right?

levioosa · February 2015

PrettyGirlLost said:

levioosa said:

@prettygirllost

I don't think SIL is the drama llama, if you read the rest of the thread.

I'm catching up, but she's the one who threw the fit about not being in the WP. . . and then apparently other people in the OP's FI's family joined in to support her, right?

Everything was hearsay. And when OP reached out to SIL, SIL responded politely that she had never said anything and wasn't hurt. OP then proceeded to contact her numerous times and then tried to B-list her into the wedding party....and then OP said that she couldn't bear to see SIL at a function and be respectful to her.

redoryx · February 2015

PrettyGirlLost said:

levioosa said:

@prettygirllost

I don't think SIL is the drama llama, if you read the rest of the thread.

I'm catching up, but she's the one who threw the fit about not being in the WP. . . and then apparently other people in the OP's FI's family joined in to support her, right?

We don't actually KNOW she threw a fit. The OP is getting it all from other people. Her only interaction with the SIL was a polite email where the SIL said the OP didn't need explain anything related to the wedding party

flantastic · February 2015

PrettyGirlLost said:

levioosa said:

@prettygirllost

I don't think SIL is the drama llama, if you read the rest of the thread.

I'm catching up, but she's the one who threw the fit about not being in the WP. . . and then apparently other people in the OP's FI's family joined in to support her, right?

Nope. OP emailed her, and SIL said "no worries, there's no need to explain your choices to me" and that's the only direct contact they've had.

BIL (the husband) said that she was upset about not being asked. Which maybe she was, but privately, with her husband. Then everyone decided SOMETHING MUST BE DONE.

Knottie10513705 · February 2015

Yes, I am being called out as "harassing" her, apparently trying to amend things here to make sure everyone is happy is the drama queen here.

She did throw a fit in silence, it was coming out of her husband's mouth that she was extremely upset she wasn't asked, apparently what I thought was the right thing to do, backed fire on me. I should have started the thread earlier so I can be stopped from contacting her from the beginning!

PrettyGirlLost · February 2015

KatWAG said:

How exactly is she being a sociopath? Are you a pyschologist? If not, you might want to lay off the armchair diagnosis.

She might be acting childish, but you are the one feeding this drama. Let it go.

Yeah, having a diva fit over not being in a wedding is not part of the characteristics of psychopathy.

Cruelty to animals, fire starting, bedwetting- those are. So are antisocial behavior, lacking empathy for others, lacking remorse.

Knottie10513705 · February 2015

Yes I apologize for that diagnosis as I am no psychologist I had removed/edited it off my previous/initial post.

levioosa · February 2015

Knottie10513705 said:

Yes, I am being called out as "harassing" her, apparently trying to amend things here to make sure everyone is happy is the drama queen here.
She did throw a fit in silence, it was coming out of her husband's mouth that she was extremely upset she wasn't asked, apparently what I thought was the right thing to do, backed fire on me. I should have started the thread earlier so I can be stopped from contacting her from the beginning!

OMG, three pages and you still don't get it!? Just let it go! She was never required to respond to you! SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO RESPOND TO YOU AT ALL.

YOU ARE THE ONE CREATING ALL OF THE DRAMA. YOU ARE THE DRAMA LLAMA HERE.

MyNameIsNot · February 2015

PrettyGirlLost said:

levioosa said:

@prettygirllost

I don't think SIL is the drama llama, if you read the rest of the thread.

I'm catching up, but she's the one who threw the fit about not being in the WP. . . and then apparently other people in the OP's FI's family joined in to support her, right?

Maybe. That's all hearsay to the third degree. She said she wasn't upset and didn't know where those rumors came from.

I'm starting to suspect that FMIL or some other member of the FI's family might be instigating drama llama OP for the entertainment value. 1) FMIL told OP to ask FSIL to be a second string BM, 2) FI's "whole family" is all up in arms and everyone is telling everyone else something someone supposedly said to someone else.

MairePoppy · February 2015

Yep, we would have told you not to be pressured into asking her to be in the wedding party.

Also, I wonder if her husband is the one with the hurt feelers, KWIM? But even if she told her husband she was crushed, he shouldn't have betrayed her confidence. My guess is that she's embarrassed that her husband made a big deal out of this.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2015

levioosa said:

Everything was hearsay. And when OP reached out to SIL, SIL responded politely that she had never said anything and wasn't hurt. OP then proceeded to contact her numerous times and then tried to B-list her into the wedding party....and then OP said that she couldn't bear to see SIL at a function and be respectful to her.

redoryx said:

We don't actually KNOW she threw a fit. The OP is getting it all from other people. Her only interaction with the SIL was a polite email where the SIL said the OP didn't need explain anything related to the wedding party

flantastic said:

Nope. OP emailed her, and SIL said "no worries, there's no need to explain your choices to me" and that's the only direct contact they've had.
BIL (the husband) said that she was upset about not being asked. Which maybe she was, but privately, with her husband. Then everyone decided SOMETHING MUST BE DONE.

Oh Jesus Christ and General Jackson ><

Knottie10513705 said:

Yes, I am being called out as "harassing" her, apparently trying to amend things here to make sure everyone is happy is the drama queen here.
She did throw a fit in silence, it was coming out of her husband's mouth that she was extremely upset she wasn't asked, apparently what I thought was the right thing to do, backed fire on me. I should have started the thread earlier so I can be stopped from contacting her from the beginning!

So your FI's brother- her husband- is a shit stirrer, then.

My advice still stands- stop with her and her husband and everyone. Let it go, move on. You apparently tried. If people want to be idiots about this, let them continue to be- in silence ;-)

And if your FI is worried about appeasing his family, he can ask her to be on his side.

Knottie10513705 · February 2015

Levioosa - you're funny... but thanks for your posts!

I am fine, just seeking advice here as to how to react next time I see her, no drama don't worry!

novella1186 · February 2015

Knottie10513705 said:

Levioosa - you're funny... but thanks for your posts!
I am fine, just seeking advice here as to how to react next time I see her, no drama don't worry!

And multiple people have now given you advice on that as well. Or do we need to repeat it 6000 more times?

levioosa · February 2015

Knottie10513705 said:

Levioosa - you're funny... but thanks for your posts!
I am fine, just seeking advice here as to how to react next time I see her, no drama don't worry!

It's just that this whole thread has been like a dog chasing it's tail.

Basically, being polite to her the next time you see her and dropping all of this means you win all of the scenarios.

Scenario #1: She actually is a drama llama. She is lying. You are just trying to be nice. She knows she got under your skin. So by being polite and letting it go, you drive her crazy because she just wants to know she got to you. Winning.

Scenario #2: BIL started all of this. SIL is blindsided and has no idea what is happening. You have made things incredibly awkward for her by repeatedly reaching out. By being polite to her when you see her and letting it go, she can finally take a deep breath and relax. BIL will be annoyed that his shit stirring got him no where.

Scenario #3: Basically the same as #2 except FMIL started this and egged you on to B-list. Results are the same. By being the bigger person you win. Nothing will be gained by feeding into the drama.

And for the future, unless you hear something directly from the source itself, ignore it. There is no reason an entire family should be involved in something like this.

Knottie10513705 · February 2015

Totally get it, totally agree that it was out of line that the younger brother gets involved in the first place, plus the boyfriend feeling "uncomfortable" in the wedding now. Notes when my fiancé talked to the younger brother couple days ago, he pretty much stood firm that his boyfriend would rather not to be included in the wedding. Out of place, out of line.

Advice: as she had told the younger brother she wants everyone to get along, I am expecting her to see me next time and say something like "haven't talked to you in a while how's everything?". Do I not even mention why didn't you get back to me if you are concerned how everything was?

[Deleted User] · February 2015

Knottie10513705 said:

Totally get it, totally agree that it was out of line that the younger brother gets involved in the first place, plus the boyfriend feeling "uncomfortable" in the wedding now. Notes when my fiancé talked to the younger brother couple days ago, he pretty much stood firm that his boyfriend would rather not to be included in the wedding. Out of place, out of line.
Advice: as she had told the younger brother she wants everyone to get along, I am expecting her to see me next time and say something like "haven't talked to you in a while how's everything?". Do I not even mention why didn't you get back to me if you are concerned how everything was?

I would honestly just reply, "Everything's great!" and move on.

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