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Needy Fiance
So we've been engaged for 8 months, no wedding plans at all, planing on moving in together (we are repairing a house I bought a year ago).
So my fiance is needy 110% of the time, I compare his attitude to a child pretty much. He always wants what he wants, if he is wrong he'll get details out of nowhere to seems his idea believable etc. He gets easily cranky if he doesn't sleep, eat or get something he wants (not necessarily has to do with us).
I am very giving, I tend to overcompensate and even though I do it with all my heart and love not wanting anything back, a deep part of me expects him to want to return the love and spoil me the same way I do. And I don't know how in a way I feel hurt that he doesn't seem to care if he is attentive or not.
Sometimes I get this stupid idea stuck in my head that "I probably don't deserve to be spoiled", and after this my mind starts a battle between why he should and why he shouldn't which makes me very sad.
I have talked to him about how I feel and he says that I am lacking love from my family (my relationship with my mother is not great), and that I expect him to fill the gap.
What do you guys think? Am I overthinking stuff? Has anyone else been through this?
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Re: Needy Fiance
I think the person you choose to spend your life with SHOULD "fill that gap" to a certain extent, be the yin to one's yang. Not "complete you" but make you better. Support you. And definitely not minimize your feelings.
This reminds me so much of my ex, between his needs always coming first, him never being wrong and ESPECIALLY that if I had any issue it could somehow be traced back to being my mother's fault.
Time for the heave-ho. Sorry!
ETA: My last engagement was a trying period of reflection on the relationship, so don't feel like this is abnormal. You are SUPPOSED to keep evaluating to make sure you can commit to this person for life! A lifetime can feel way too long stuck with the wrong person. Leaving him later won't be easier.
And run like you are on fire.
. He always wants what he wants, if he is wrong he'll get details out of nowhere to seems his idea believable etc.
MsMoraga said:
I have talked to him about how I feel and he says that I am lacking love from my family (my relationship with my mother is not great), and that I expect him to fill the gap.
stuck in box
ETA oh boy boxes are FUBAR.
At one time I was in a long-term relationship with a manchild who I thought I wanted to marry. He was so needy, and he always did the making up details thing. Years later I sometimes think back to little things he told me and realize they were all lies, and feel like an idiot for believing all that. I'm going to take a wild guess and ask if your FI also has a jealous streak? I was convinced that I loved this guy, and deep down, constantly catering to him fulfilled some need to feel needed, but it was an unhealthy cycle for both of us. Ending that relationship was one of the best things I've ever done for my own well-being. After the initial sting of the breakup passed, it felt like a huge weight lifted off of me.
ETA: missing words
ETA again: From one woman with a "caretaker" personality to another, let me say this: YOU DO YOU. You are responsible for your own well-being, and you do what you need to do for yourself. Likewise, your FI is responsible for his well being. You are not. You can't fix everything for him, and you can't fix him.
I also know that sometimes when you're angry or upset you can write things that sound very negative and don't accurately depict the situation. It's possible that you've had a change of heart since you wrote this and you CAN think of his positive attributes and reasons why you don't want to end this relationship (beyond just feeling the need to be with someone).
If this is the case then I still STRONGLY encourage you to do couples counseling because these things you describe will eventually tear you apart and it's best to address them asap so you can honestly see if this is going to work or if you need to just move on with your life. Maybe some individual counseling would help you too, to address why you "don't deserve to be spoiled".
I loved everything about Lynda's post, which is why I'm copying it for you to hopefully read again OP.
Lynda - I think the bolded is an adorable analogy! And it's better than Phoebe's lobsters from Friends!
Gender stereotyping is shitty. Lolo's response to you wasn't over the top at all.
That is my opinion. Feel free to look up the word opinion in a dictionary.