I wish I'd ignored etiquette. Would this have been unreasonable?

mollybear90 · May 2015

I'm less than 7 weeks out from my wedding, and now that we're getting our RSVP's in, I'm a little disappointed. Our first-choice venue was a beautiful, architecturally-significant, historical home. Unfortunately, its maximum capacity is 100 guests. That meant that we would've been able to invite our families and closest friends, but our coworkers would need to be dropped from the guest list. I work at an architectural firm, and I'm pretty close to my coworkers. I felt bad that the people who were most likely to to appreciate the architectural venue would be the ones who wouldn't be able to come, so we ultimately decided on a bigger, more boring venue so that we could invite them all.

We've gotten some declines to our invitations, and at this rate, I'm pretty sure we're going to end up with less than 100 guests even including our coworkers. I'm feeling a bit let down that we most likely could have had our wedding at our dream venue, and my coworkers would've been able to join us. It didn't occur to me at the time that I could have gone with the nicer venue, and told my coworkers that I would extend them an invitation if the room opened up. When I first started planning, I immersed myself in wedding etiquette. I became too worried about offending people, and I forgot that my guests are rational, understanding, kind people. Seriously - I asked my best coworker friend this morning if she would've been offended if I'd gone with the dream venue and having to "b-list" her, and her response was, "Why didn't you do that?!" Even with the chance that she wouldn't have been able to attend, she would've loved to see the pictures from our wedding at the other venue. It's making me wish I'd asked her that question a year ago.

What do you guys think? Is it ever okay to go against etiquette? Why don't people just ask their guests what they would find offensive, rather than assuming it might be rude and potentially losing out on something they really want?

Has anybody else gone through a realization like this? I just feel like I missed out and it's upsetting me.

drunkenwitch · May 2015

Soooo...do you read these boards? Because snowflakes trying to rationalize rude behavior is not met with hugs and puppies.

i am also left wondering why the WEDDING is more important than the marriage.

JellyBean52513 · May 2015

The fact that you think you "missed out" because of a building is really disappointing, OP. I know that a wedding is an extremely important event, but it's just one day. I guarantee you that if you looked back at pictures, you'll notice the fact that your closest co-workers are missing from them more than you'll notice the building. A historic venue is a novelty that will eventually lose its luster because it's just a building, but you'll always remember the amazing time you had with your friends and family. I definitely understand your perspective on it, and I don't even think you're that out of line with your reasoning, but you definitely made the right choice in not B-listing and being rude to your guests. Besides, a good friend-especially one you have to see every day at work-isn't likely to tell you that you have a rude idea to your face. Maybe she would, but most won't even if that's how they feel

lyndausvi · May 2015

And you could have easily written a post saying "I'm glad I followed etiquette because I have 94% acceptance rate".

When it comes to accepts it's a crap shot. But you are better off being the one who is under then trying to figure out how to seat everyone in an over crowded venue.

FWIW - I always dreamed of a beach wedding. Seriously, for as long as I can remember. We booked a beach location. The ceremony was to going to be on the beach. 147 out of 174 invited guests were going to be sitting on the beach witnessing our wedding..

Well mother nature had other plans. She sent Tropical Storm Hannah up the east coast on my wedding day. The ceremony was moved to under a tent. A tent that was rated for 60mph wind. TS Hannah had about 58mph winds.

Was my wedding location my dream? No. While the tent was a plan B, it was never something I thought I would actually use. Was it still the most amazing day of my life? Yes.

mollybear90 · May 2015

I didn't mention, I also have emotional ties to the building; it's not just that I think it's pretty. I have history with it and it holds sentimental value. I wasn't trying to "rationalize rude behavior." Maybe it's just the invitation declines that are upsetting me; I feel like I would've gotten my coworkers either way, so why not have it at my first choice venue?

@drunkenwitch, that was really mean. When did I say that my wedding mattered more than my marriage? I'm unbelievably excited to be married and spend the rest of my life with my fiance.

chibiyui · May 2015

mollybear90 said:
I didn't mention, I also have emotional ties to the building; it's not just that I think it's pretty. I have history with it and it holds sentimental value. I wasn't trying to "rationalize rude behavior." Maybe it's just the invitation declines that are upsetting me; I feel like I would've gotten my coworkers either way, so why not have it at my first choice venue?

@drunkenwitch, that was really mean. When did I say that my wedding mattered more than my marriage? I'm unbelievably excited to be married and spend the rest of my life with my fiance.

What's done is done.

Being an adult means making decisions. You chose between a building and being able to invite coworkers.

I take offense to your comment that you were so worried about etiquette that you forgot that people are kind and rational. My kind and rational opinion is that if you b-list due to venue restrictions, either you're planning is suspect or you don't really care too muchabout your guests.

mollybear90 · May 2015

Yep, what's done is done. I'm perfectly comfortable with the venue I ended up with. When I realized I might be under 100 guests, I think it just triggered a reaction from when I realized sadly all those months ago that my venue couldn't hold all of my loved ones. I stand by my statement that I wish I'd thought to ask a year ago, and saved myself the strife of worrying about what was rude and what wasn't. My coworkers are pretty honest. I honestly probably would've still chosen the bigger venue for other reasons, but I still would've loved pictures of my friends and family dressed all spiffy in front of the house. I'm not the only one who would've loved that venue. Like I said, sentimentality and stuff.

It bothers me that everyone's assuming I hate my guests. My fiance and I don't drink or dance. However, our reception will consist of both, because we want our guests to have an awesome time. Either way, though, as a wedding guest, I would never presume to be the bride and groom's highest priority. I know it's an etiquette board and we're aiming to be as accommodating to our guests as possible, but I'm just going off my observations of my own guests. I'm honestly not trying to offend anybody, sorry.

drunkenwitch · May 2015

mollybear90 said:
I didn't mention, I also have emotional ties to the building; it's not just that I think it's pretty. I have history with it and it holds sentimental value. I wasn't trying to "rationalize rude behavior." Maybe it's just the invitation declines that are upsetting me; I feel like I would've gotten my coworkers either way, so why not have it at my first choice venue?

@drunkenwitch, that was really mean. When did I say that my wedding mattered more than my marriage? I'm unbelievably excited to be married and spend the rest of my life with my fiance.

Why are you an etiquette board complaining you followed etiquette. You said you "missed out", your words and I called you on it.

afox007 · May 2015

Hindsight is always 20/20. If you had known back then what your actual guest count would be you could have picked the venue you preferred. You still did the right thing by not B listing it would have been rude to ask your coworkers if they were cool being B listed.

LondonLisa · May 2015

B-listing anyone to be incredibly rude. I would be so insulted if I was but I, of course, would never say it to your face.

But especially with colleagues- you do realise that could negatively affect your career. I'm not saying anything major, like being fired, but when you are rude to coworkers, they remember. I recently posted about how a coworker gave me an invitation to his wedding and said: "We aren't doing plus ones" meaning that my fiance wasn't invited. I was so insulted they called my future husband a plus one. It was incredibly rude, and it made me see this normally very sweet guy in an different light. I'm not saying that I would fire him, or block his promotion, but I would think twice before putting him in a client facing role if he can't instinctively know how to conduct himself. What is he going to say to a major donor when they want to bring their husband or wife to an event? One of the best pieces of work advice I have ever received is: "If I can't trust you with the small stuff, there is no way I am going to trust you with the big tasks".

I'm not 6, I don't expect to be invited everywhere, but if a colleague said: "If we get enough nos, you can come to our wedding" I would politely say "Oh ok, thanks" and just leave it (and would eventually decline- your wedding is not a huge privilege to be invited to). I would think you were rude and tacky, and definitely see you in a different light.

Viczaesar · May 2015

mollybear90 said:
I'm less than 7 weeks out from my wedding, and now that we're getting our RSVP's in, I'm a little disappointed. Our first-choice venue was a beautiful, architecturally-significant, historical home. Unfortunately, its maximum capacity is 100 guests. That meant that we would've been able to invite our families and closest friends, but our coworkers would need to be dropped from the guest list. I work at an architectural firm, and I'm pretty close to my coworkers. I felt bad that the people who were most likely to to appreciate the architectural venue would be the ones who wouldn't be able to come, so we ultimately decided on a bigger, more boring venue so that we could invite them all.

We've gotten some declines to our invitations, and at this rate, I'm pretty sure we're going to end up with less than 100 guests even including our coworkers. I'm feeling a bit let down that we most likely could have had our wedding at our dream venue, and my coworkers would've been able to join us. It didn't occur to me at the time that I could have gone with the nicer venue, and told my coworkers that I would extend them an invitation if the room opened up. When I first started planning, I immersed myself in wedding etiquette. I became too worried about offending people, and I forgot that my guests are rational, understanding, kind people. Seriously - I asked my best coworker friend this morning if she would've been offended if I'd gone with the dream venue and having to "b-list" her, and her response was, "Why didn't you do that?!" Even with the chance that she wouldn't have been able to attend, she would've loved to see the pictures from our wedding at the other venue. It's making me wish I'd asked her that question a year ago.

What do you guys think? Is it ever okay to go against etiquette? Why don't people just ask their guests what they would find offensive, rather than assuming it might be rude and potentially losing out on something they really want?

Has anybody else gone through a realization like this? I just feel like I missed out and it's upsetting me.

No.

TrixieJess · May 2015

LondonLisa said:
B-listing anyone to be incredibly rude. I would be so insulted if I was but I, of course, would never say it to your face.

But especially with colleagues- you do realise that could negatively affect your career. I'm not saying anything major, like being fired, but when you are rude to coworkers, they remember. I recently posted about how a coworker gave me an invitation to his wedding and said: "We aren't doing plus ones" meaning that my fiance wasn't invited. I was so insulted they called my future husband a plus one. It was incredibly rude, and it made me see this normally very sweet guy in an different light. I'm not saying that I would fire him, or block his promotion, but I would think twice before putting him in a client facing role if he can't instinctively know how to conduct himself. What is he going to say to a major donor when they want to bring their husband or wife to an event? One of the best pieces of work advice I have ever received is: "If I can't trust you with the small stuff, there is no way I am going to trust you with the big tasks".

I'm not 6, I don't expect to be invited everywhere, but if a colleague said: "If we get enough nos, you can come to our wedding" I would politely say "Oh ok, thanks" and just leave it (and would eventually decline- your wedding is not a huge privilege to be invited to). I would think you were rude and tacky, and definitely see you in a different light.

This. As usual, @LondonLisa is right on target. Guess what? My venue is super small and we will not be inviting co-workers or even extended family. At the end of the day I will be married, so will you Snowflake. Maybe you should start thinking about what your marriage is going to be like if you get thrown off and in a snit about your choice of venue.

lovegood90 · May 2015

So you make a post on an etiquette board about how you wish you'd gone against etiquette, and then get defensive when people don't agree with you? Ok then.

Jen4948 · May 2015

Consider this: How would you have felt as a guest to be invited to a coworker's wedding, only to find that you were invited at the last minute because other invited guests declined?

There's no justification for breaching etiquette, and posting that you wish you had, without regard for the feelings of those who would have been impacted by what you claim to wish you had done on an etiquette board kills whatever sympathy people might feel for you. It was your decision to invite more people than the venue you wanted could hold; now you need to own that choice like a grownup instead of wishing you'd gotten something at the expense of others. Color me disgusted.

PamBeesly524 · May 2015

Coulda, shoulda, woulda... You made your decision, why are you looking for justification for an idea you didn't even do? I understand the disappointment but if everyone had accepted, then your co-workers wouldn't be at your wedding, and if you're really close to them, wouldn't you rather they witness you tie the knot rather than look at architecture in photos later?

FWIW, we just got all of our RSVPs back and we're 6 people short from meeting the minimum capacity of the venue... But we aren't inviting 6 people to cover those plates, we're sucking it up and paying the minimum. There's never a reason to B-list... I've been B-listed before and it's extremely hurtful. One of your co-workers might have said she would have preferred that but he/she doesn't speak for them all, and could have just been being nice to your face.

redoryx · May 2015

Here's the thing -- if you really really really wanted that venue, you would have figured out a way to make it work by cutting down your guest list. But you didn't and while it's unfortunate that you are getting some declines, not picking that venue was a deliberate choice. You had the option and decided not to take it, so you didn't really miss out on anything.

To answer your question, no: there is no reason to go against etiquette especially when it comes to B-Listing. Also, we're strangers on the internet who have no problem telling people when they are being rude. Your friends and family most likely won't be as honest and let you think what you are doing is perfectly okay when it isn't.

MadHops21 · May 2015

You may know your co-workers to be friendly and say that, but if you did in fact B list them, they would be singing a different tune. No one likes the feeling of being B-listed, even if they say it's okay. If your co-workers are as kind and friendly as you say they are, then they would never say anything negative about you thinking about B-listing them since they're too kind to say "No, that's wrong.".

southernbelle0915 · May 2015

To answer your title question: Yes, it would be unreasonable.

This is like saying "well I bought a lottery ticket and actually won, so I totally should have bought that mansion because now I could pay it off!" Or "I totally should have had a garden wedding without a Plan B because the weather ended up being really great!"

When you're planning a wedding (or anything really), you plan for what you can afford and what makes sense for your event. You prioritized inviting more than 100 people over the historic venue so you had to compromise. We all do it.

Its FAR better to have this kind of regret than "$&@#%$&%(&-$-#, I invited over capacity, 115 RSVPd yes and the venue is saying I can't have more than 100. Now I have to move the whole wedding in two weeks or uninvited people." There are posts here like that. It's heartbreaking but they bring it on themselves by not planning with logic.

Throw a surprise birthday party for your FI there. Or throw an anniversary party there. Or find some other reason to have a party there if you love it that much.

Butterflyz419 · May 2015

OP, I feel you. We're getting even more declines than we expected (and we expected a lot, Sunday evening wedding with 75% OOT guests) and it's had me second guessing some of my decisions. Some things I cut because I didn't think we'd come in under budget, not inviting my coworkers because we were already inviting way more people than we had initially planned and choosing a budget venue with as it looks now we could have afforded another place because the guest list is smaller even though I really do like our current venue. I've made peace with it because there are some things I can upgrade now in this last month that I didn't think I could have and all the most important people (because yes, some guests are more important to me than others) will be there.

One of the PP asked how you would feel to be b-listed, while I can't answer for you, I know I wouldn't care. The idea that ranking guests as some more important than others is some heinous unforgivable crime doesn't jive as rational to mne. It would make the entire concept of a bridal party, i.e. designating a few special individuals as the VIPs, as your nearest and dearest and most important people in your life, as inherently rude as you'd be rubbing it in the face of everyone else--I love these people best. But everyone KNOWS that there are tiers of closeness and so I don't get what there is to be offended about. I suppose it's only hurtful if you think you rank higher in that person's life than you actually do, but that's no different than not being asked to be in the Wedding Party if you think you're close enough to be asked and it turns out, nope. Shrug. As I said in another thread, I've attended weddings with almost every single violation they hate most around here (although I haven't been b-listed in an invitation as far as I know, but a tiered reception amounts to the same, and I had no problem with that) and I've never been offended or thought less of the couple for said violation because like you said, I'm a kind, rational, understanding human being who thinks their wedding day is for them, and not for me. For me it's just a day, a day that might include some free food and entertainment and socializing, but just another day. For them, it's a day that will be framed on their walls and looked back on often. More important to me that it's perfect for them than that it's perfect for me.

TrixieJess · May 2015

Butterflyz419 said:
OP, I feel you. We're getting even more declines than we expected (and we expected a lot, Sunday evening wedding with 75% OOT guests) and it's had me second guessing some of my decisions. Some things I cut because I didn't think we'd come in under budget, not inviting my coworkers because we were already inviting way more people than we had initially planned and choosing a budget venue with as it looks now we could have afforded another place because the guest list is smaller even though I really do like our current venue. I've made peace with it because there are some things I can upgrade now in this last month that I didn't think I could have and all the most important people (because yes, some guests are more important to me than others) will be there.

One of the PP asked how you would feel to be b-listed, while I can't answer for you, I know I wouldn't care. The idea that ranking guests as some more important than others is some heinous unforgivable crime doesn't jive as rational to mne. It would make the entire concept of a bridal party, i.e. designating a few special individuals as the VIPs, as your nearest and dearest and most important people in your life, as inherently rude as you'd be rubbing it in the face of everyone else--I love these people best. But everyone KNOWS that there are tiers of closeness and so I don't get what there is to be offended about. I suppose it's only hurtful if you think you rank higher in that person's life than you actually do, but that's no different than not being asked to be in the Wedding Party if you think you're close enough to be asked and it turns out, nope. Shrug. As I said in another thread, I've attended weddings with almost every single violation they hate most around here (although I haven't been b-listed in an invitation as far as I know, but a tiered reception amounts to the same, and I had no problem with that) and I've never been offended or thought less of the couple for said violation because like you said, I'm a kind, rational, understanding human being who thinks their wedding day is for them, and not for me. For me it's just a day, a day that might include some free food and entertainment and socializing, but just another day. For them, it's a day that will be framed on their walls and looked back on often. More important to me that it's perfect for them than that it's perfect for me.

Aren't you an amenable person? And you are wrong. The wedding ceremony is for the couple, the reception is a thank you for attendance for friends and family to the ceremony. As such, they must be hosted, properly. When people come to your home, do you have the same lackadaisical attitude about hosting? I work my ass off to properly host everyone that comes into my house whether they are my best friend or I met them 5 minutes ago when they walked in with my friends. A wedding should have the same courtesy.

photokitty · May 2015

mollybear90 said:
Seriously - I asked my best coworker friend this morning if she would've been offended if I'd gone with the dream venue and having to "b-list" her, and her response was, "Why didn't you do that?!" Even with the chance that she wouldn't have been able to attend, she would've loved to see the pictures from our wedding at the other venue. It's making me wish I'd asked her that question a year ago.

Of course she told you that - who wants to risk offending a coworker and making their work environment awkward or tense? You should follow her lead, stop asking questions and dreaming about the what ifs you had been rude to your coworkers in the first place.

Either that or she is suggesting she didn't want to attend and buy you gift, she really wishes you hadn't invited her so it didn't consume so much of her life when you really wanted to B list her bc the venue is more important than the guests to you, and she just wants to see the photos so you'll shut about about it already.

blabla89 · May 2015

I understand your frustration about the declines. DH wasn't able to invite some of his friends because he had to invite MIL's family, and then they all declined. So we had a smaller number than we anticipated and of course DH wished he had invited his friends instead. But did we b-list? No, because that is so much ruder than not being able to invite them to the wedding.

When your coworker said she would have wanted a b-list invite, she was just being nice. I guarantee if your coworkers had found out that you only invited them after some a-list guests declined, they would have thought it rude. (Refer back to @londonlisa's post because it's on point)

mollybear90 said:
What do you guys think? Is it ever okay to go against etiquette? Why don't people just ask their guests what they would find offensive, rather than assuming it might be rude and potentially losing out on something they really want?

Has anybody else gone through a realization like this? I just feel like I missed out and it's upsetting me.

So you asked what we think, and you got your answer. When you invite guests to your wedding it is your responsibility to not be rude to them; that is the purpose of wedding etiquette. It is always better to err on the side of not being rude.

flantastic · May 2015

TrixieJess said:

Butterflyz419 said:
OP, I feel you. We're getting even more declines than we expected (and we expected a lot, Sunday evening wedding with 75% OOT guests) and it's had me second guessing some of my decisions. Some things I cut because I didn't think we'd come in under budget, not inviting my coworkers because we were already inviting way more people than we had initially planned and choosing a budget venue with as it looks now we could have afforded another place because the guest list is smaller even though I really do like our current venue. I've made peace with it because there are some things I can upgrade now in this last month that I didn't think I could have and all the most important people (because yes, some guests are more important to me than others) will be there.

One of the PP asked how you would feel to be b-listed, while I can't answer for you, I know I wouldn't care. The idea that ranking guests as some more important than others is some heinous unforgivable crime doesn't jive as rational to mne. It would make the entire concept of a bridal party, i.e. designating a few special individuals as the VIPs, as your nearest and dearest and most important people in your life, as inherently rude as you'd be rubbing it in the face of everyone else--I love these people best. But everyone KNOWS that there are tiers of closeness and so I don't get what there is to be offended about. I suppose it's only hurtful if you think you rank higher in that person's life than you actually do, but that's no different than not being asked to be in the Wedding Party if you think you're close enough to be asked and it turns out, nope. Shrug. As I said in another thread, I've attended weddings with almost every single violation they hate most around here (although I haven't been b-listed in an invitation as far as I know, but a tiered reception amounts to the same, and I had no problem with that) and I've never been offended or thought less of the couple for said violation because like you said, I'm a kind, rational, understanding human being who thinks their wedding day is for them, and not for me. For me it's just a day, a day that might include some free food and entertainment and socializing, but just another day. For them, it's a day that will be framed on their walls and looked back on often. More important to me that it's perfect for them than that it's perfect for me.
Aren't you an amenable person? And you are wrong. The wedding ceremony is for the couple, the reception is a thank you for attendance for friends and family to the ceremony. As such, they must be hosted, properly. When people come to your home, do you have the same lackadaisical attitude about hosting? I work my ass off to properly host everyone that comes into my house whether they are my best friend or I met them 5 minutes ago when they walked in with my friends. A wedding should have the same courtesy.

I do have a friend with a lackadaisical attitude about hosting in her home. She invites a bunch of people over for dinner and an evening without worrying about whether or not she has enough chairs for everyone. I have to bring up "Do we have something else we can make into a seat for so-and-so?" She runs the dishwasher while people are there, so that it's running during dinner, and then doesn't seem to notice when the dinner she's offering requires knives, all of which are in the dishwasher. She never has had anything but alcohol and tap water to offer as beverages since I've been pregnant, and I always have to go into the kitchen and find a glass and fill it myself. If people didn't politely offer to bring food each time, there would probably not be enough food.

I love her, but I HATE going over there for these things. I'm pretty confident I'm not the only one. She might view it as being laid-back and not stuck-up so that people are comfortable in her home, but people are the opposite of comfortable, and it comes across like she doesn't give a shit.

If you are going to ask people to come see you get married, and ask them to travel, get dressed up, take time, etc., it would be nice if they felt like you gave a shit that they were there and comfortable. OP, your wedding will be great because you have enough food and space for everyone, and no one feels like a second-tier guest. @southernbelle0915 is right in that you have ensured that by prioritizing correctly, and your logic for promoting doing otherwise is just wrong.

plainjane0415 · May 2015

This is just one of those things that suck when you have an event and invite people to it. It's more rude to b list people than it is to be decisive and careful in choosing your guest list. If you wanted your coworkers there so badly, then you should have trimmed your guest list to accommodate.

Sioux1986 · May 2015

First world problems:

"I have over 100 people to invite to my wedding, I had to miss out on my dream venue."

anjemon · May 2015

Butterflyz419 said:
OP, I feel you. We're getting even more declines than we expected (and we expected a lot, Sunday evening wedding with 75% OOT guests) and it's had me second guessing some of my decisions. Some things I cut because I didn't think we'd come in under budget, not inviting my coworkers because we were already inviting way more people than we had initially planned and choosing a budget venue with as it looks now we could have afforded another place because the guest list is smaller even though I really do like our current venue. I've made peace with it because there are some things I can upgrade now in this last month that I didn't think I could have and all the most important people (because yes, some guests are more important to me than others) will be there.

One of the PP asked how you would feel to be b-listed, while I can't answer for you, I know I wouldn't care. The idea that ranking guests as some more important than others is some heinous unforgivable crime doesn't jive as rational to mne. It would make the entire concept of a bridal party, i.e. designating a few special individuals as the VIPs, as your nearest and dearest and most important people in your life, as inherently rude as you'd be rubbing it in the face of everyone else--I love these people best. But everyone KNOWS that there are tiers of closeness and so I don't get what there is to be offended about. I suppose it's only hurtful if you think you rank higher in that person's life than you actually do, but that's no different than not being asked to be in the Wedding Party if you think you're close enough to be asked and it turns out, nope. Shrug. As I said in another thread, I've attended weddings with almost every single violation they hate most around here (although I haven't been b-listed in an invitation as far as I know, but a tiered reception amounts to the same, and I had no problem with that) and I've never been offended or thought less of the couple for said violation because like you said, I'm a kind, rational, understanding human being who thinks their wedding day is for them, and not for me. For me it's just a day, a day that might include some free food and entertainment and socializing, but just another day. For them, it's a day that will be framed on their walls and looked back on often. More important to me that it's perfect for them than that it's perfect for me.

I have been to a tiered wedding, and I do think the hosts were rude and I judge them a bit for it. They are friends of H's and when we were invited I had never heard of such a thing. But since they were people H really likes, we went. I didn't really realize it was a thing that happens and just thought they were rude and not very thoughtful. We had to travel to go to this and we only were allowed for part of it.

They are still H's friends. They were invited to our wedding. I like them, they're nice people. But I do hold it against them a bit. I know it's partly because I think H is the awesomest person and they didn't value his friendship enough to make him a first tier guest. Not being invited would have been a normal thing, this just came off as not caring enough about him. But it's also partly because of how rude they were to us. I'm not going to go out of my way to do stuff for them or make it to their events. I've never said anything to them. If asked, I would tell them how much fun we had at their reception (which we did, it was a good time). But I still hold it against them a bit.

Edited to fix grammar. I cannot make sentences.

Butterflyz419 · May 2015

TrixieJess said:
OP, I feel you. We're getting even more declines than we expected (and we expected a lot, Sunday evening wedding with 75% OOT guests) and it's had me second guessing some of my decisions. Some things I cut because I didn't think we'd come in under budget, not inviting my coworkers because we were already inviting way more people than we had initially planned and choosing a budget venue with as it looks now we could have afforded another place because the guest list is smaller even though I really do like our current venue. I've made peace with it because there are some things I can upgrade now in this last month that I didn't think I could have and all the most important people (because yes, some guests are more important to me than others) will be there.

One of the PP asked how you would feel to be b-listed, while I can't answer for you, I know I wouldn't care. The idea that ranking guests as some more important than others is some heinous unforgivable crime doesn't jive as rational to mne. It would make the entire concept of a bridal party, i.e. designating a few special individuals as the VIPs, as your nearest and dearest and most important people in your life, as inherently rude as you'd be rubbing it in the face of everyone else--I love these people best. But everyone KNOWS that there are tiers of closeness and so I don't get what there is to be offended about. I suppose it's only hurtful if you think you rank higher in that person's life than you actually do, but that's no different than not being asked to be in the Wedding Party if you think you're close enough to be asked and it turns out, nope. Shrug. As I said in another thread, I've attended weddings with almost every single violation they hate most around here (although I haven't been b-listed in an invitation as far as I know, but a tiered reception amounts to the same, and I had no problem with that) and I've never been offended or thought less of the couple for said violation because like you said, I'm a kind, rational, understanding human being who thinks their wedding day is for them, and not for me. For me it's just a day, a day that might include some free food and entertainment and socializing, but just another day. For them, it's a day that will be framed on their walls and looked back on often. More important to me that it's perfect for them than that it's perfect for me.

Aren't you an amenable person? And you are wrong. The wedding ceremony is for the couple, the reception is a thank you for attendance for friends and family to the ceremony. As such, they must be hosted, properly. When people come to your home, do you have the same lackadaisical attitude about hosting? I work my ass off to properly host everyone that comes into my house whether they are my best friend or I met them 5 minutes ago when they walked in with my friends. A wedding should have the same courtesy.

I'm wrong not to be offended by things that I don't consider offensive? Okay. Yeah, sure.

I host very well. I like hosting. My wedding will also be well hosted but I don't care about these supposed violations by others.

flantastic · May 2015

Butterflyz419 said:

TrixieJess said:
OP, I feel you. We're getting even more declines than we expected (and we expected a lot, Sunday evening wedding with 75% OOT guests) and it's had me second guessing some of my decisions. Some things I cut because I didn't think we'd come in under budget, not inviting my coworkers because we were already inviting way more people than we had initially planned and choosing a budget venue with as it looks now we could have afforded another place because the guest list is smaller even though I really do like our current venue. I've made peace with it because there are some things I can upgrade now in this last month that I didn't think I could have and all the most important people (because yes, some guests are more important to me than others) will be there.

One of the PP asked how you would feel to be b-listed, while I can't answer for you, I know I wouldn't care. The idea that ranking guests as some more important than others is some heinous unforgivable crime doesn't jive as rational to mne. It would make the entire concept of a bridal party, i.e. designating a few special individuals as the VIPs, as your nearest and dearest and most important people in your life, as inherently rude as you'd be rubbing it in the face of everyone else--I love these people best. But everyone KNOWS that there are tiers of closeness and so I don't get what there is to be offended about. I suppose it's only hurtful if you think you rank higher in that person's life than you actually do, but that's no different than not being asked to be in the Wedding Party if you think you're close enough to be asked and it turns out, nope. Shrug. As I said in another thread, I've attended weddings with almost every single violation they hate most around here (although I haven't been b-listed in an invitation as far as I know, but a tiered reception amounts to the same, and I had no problem with that) and I've never been offended or thought less of the couple for said violation because like you said, I'm a kind, rational, understanding human being who thinks their wedding day is for them, and not for me. For me it's just a day, a day that might include some free food and entertainment and socializing, but just another day. For them, it's a day that will be framed on their walls and looked back on often. More important to me that it's perfect for them than that it's perfect for me.
Aren't you an amenable person? And you are wrong. The wedding ceremony is for the couple, the reception is a thank you for attendance for friends and family to the ceremony. As such, they must be hosted, properly. When people come to your home, do you have the same lackadaisical attitude about hosting? I work my ass off to properly host everyone that comes into my house whether they are my best friend or I met them 5 minutes ago when they walked in with my friends. A wedding should have the same courtesy.

I'm wrong not to be offended by things that I don't consider offensive? Okay. Yeah, sure.

I host very well. I like hosting. My wedding will also be well hosted but I don't care about these supposed violations by others.

Oh my God. It's not that hard. If your wedding is well-hosted, it's because that's important. And it is important, even if you personally let it go when people treat you poorly. Other people don't let it go, and they don't have to let it go in order to be a good friend/person. No one thanks you for coming onto the Etiquette board and promoting bad etiquette. So stop.

TrixieJess · May 2015

Butterflyz419 said:

TrixieJess said:
OP, I feel you. We're getting even more declines than we expected (and we expected a lot, Sunday evening wedding with 75% OOT guests) and it's had me second guessing some of my decisions. Some things I cut because I didn't think we'd come in under budget, not inviting my coworkers because we were already inviting way more people than we had initially planned and choosing a budget venue with as it looks now we could have afforded another place because the guest list is smaller even though I really do like our current venue. I've made peace with it because there are some things I can upgrade now in this last month that I didn't think I could have and all the most important people (because yes, some guests are more important to me than others) will be there.

One of the PP asked how you would feel to be b-listed, while I can't answer for you, I know I wouldn't care. The idea that ranking guests as some more important than others is some heinous unforgivable crime doesn't jive as rational to mne. It would make the entire concept of a bridal party, i.e. designating a few special individuals as the VIPs, as your nearest and dearest and most important people in your life, as inherently rude as you'd be rubbing it in the face of everyone else--I love these people best. But everyone KNOWS that there are tiers of closeness and so I don't get what there is to be offended about. I suppose it's only hurtful if you think you rank higher in that person's life than you actually do, but that's no different than not being asked to be in the Wedding Party if you think you're close enough to be asked and it turns out, nope. Shrug. As I said in another thread, I've attended weddings with almost every single violation they hate most around here (although I haven't been b-listed in an invitation as far as I know, but a tiered reception amounts to the same, and I had no problem with that) and I've never been offended or thought less of the couple for said violation because like you said, I'm a kind, rational, understanding human being who thinks their wedding day is for them, and not for me. For me it's just a day, a day that might include some free food and entertainment and socializing, but just another day. For them, it's a day that will be framed on their walls and looked back on often. More important to me that it's perfect for them than that it's perfect for me.
Aren't you an amenable person? And you are wrong. The wedding ceremony is for the couple, the reception is a thank you for attendance for friends and family to the ceremony. As such, they must be hosted, properly. When people come to your home, do you have the same lackadaisical attitude about hosting? I work my ass off to properly host everyone that comes into my house whether they are my best friend or I met them 5 minutes ago when they walked in with my friends. A wedding should have the same courtesy.

I'm wrong not to be offended by things that I don't consider offensive? Okay. Yeah, sure.

I host very well. I like hosting. My wedding will also be well hosted but I don't care about these supposed violations by others.

Nope, the wrongness was that you believe that a wedding is just for the couple. I answered that in my next sentence...reading comprehension, it's a lifelong skill, as is hosting like a boss!

beachyone15 · May 2015

Sioux1986 said:

First world problems:
"I have over 100 people to invite to my wedding, I had to miss out on my dream venue."

This is how I feel.

OP - You are lucky to have so many that want to come and celebrate with you. I understand why you feel a little upset but you got the best outcome - more people who love you, over a prettier location. You could have invited fewer people and had the prettier venue, but instead you wanted to invite more people and that's ok. It would NOT have been ok to b-list and if I were one of the people you did that to, I'd be pretty offended.

Instead of wishing that you ignored etiquette, perhaps you should be saying that you wish you'd invited fewer people and booked your dream venue in the first place. I don't think a statement like that would have gotten people as riled up.

Butterflyz419 · May 2015

Well I do believe that and I'll always believe it because I don't go to weddings for myself. Other people's weddings are not about me. As is so often repeated here, other people don't care about your wedding as much as you. I accept that and therefore believe that a couple should have the wedding that brings them the most joy as I will mostly forget about it. I will not understand what there is to be offended about many of the things that people complain about here.

And if it's a first world problem to complain that one has more people to invite than their 100-person venue would hold, it's just as much a first world problem to complain that you weren't somebody else's first choice when determining their guest list. Neither are serious matters if we're going to go for larger context. I also find it silly that it is continuously dismissed here that it is possible that some people legitimately don't care about these "rules" whether they're the hosts or the guests. I'm not following the rules because they're the rules, and I don't sneer at or side-eye the weddings of others based on these rules. I've said it here before and I'll say it again. If there is only one right answer to these questions then you should just put up a link to Miss Manners and you can all call it a day because there's nothing to discuss apparently and therefore no need for a discussion board.

I wish I'd ignored etiquette. Would this have been unreasonable?

Re: I wish I'd ignored etiquette. Would this have been unreasonable?

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