Crazy situation

decembergrl2014 · June 2015

For the newbies on here: a little history. My husband and I have been married for six months. It's the second marriage for both of us. I don't have any kids of my own, but he has three awesome kids. My husband owns a house in NJ that was damaged by hurricane Sandy. When he and his ex got divorced he let his ex and the kids stay there. He pays the mortgage and maintains the property since he's the sole owner. In a couple of weeks his ex and the kids have to move out because the house has to be elevated. His ex REFUSES to work. She hasn't worked in over a decade! Since she refuses to work she can't afford a place, so it falls on H. She has family in the area who have said that she and the kids could stay there, but she hates them. It falls on H to find them a place. He's been trying to find rentals that offer short term leasing, but they all only offer 1 year leasing. They would not have to be out of the house for that long. His contractor says the house should be done and ready to move back in in 4-6 months. The state offers rental assistance, but only if a lease is signed. Long term hotels are too expensive. He would have to pay that out of pocket. Here's the kicker: he wants the kids AND THE EX to stay with us, as a last resort! He's trying to sweeten the pot by saying that he wouldn't give her the child support since it would be more expensive bills and bigger food bills. I don't care about the money! H and I have good paying jobs. I love the kids. I wish we could take them forever, but her too???? I understand she doesn't want to be separated from them, but her also living here with me and H? I can't wrap my head around this! I love H and the kids, but all I see is trouble on the horizon! I think our marriage will go up in flames! I need some advice. My friends and family think this is nuts. Even his ex thinks this is insane. Should I consider this as a last resort, and suck it up in case there's no other option, or should I keep telling H that if he can't find anything that she won't have any other choice but to go to her mother's house? I never, in my wildest dreams, thought I'd be in a situation like this.

OliveOilsMom · June 2015

decembergrl2014 said:

For the newbies on here: a little history. My husband and I have been married for six months. It's the second marriage for both of us. I don't have any kids of my own, but he has three awesome kids. My husband owns a house in NJ that was damaged by hurricane Sandy. When he and his ex got divorced he let his ex and the kids stay there. He pays the mortgage and maintains the property since he's the sole owner. In a couple of weeks his ex and the kids have to move out because the house has to be elevated. His ex REFUSES to work. She hasn't worked in over a decade! Since she refuses to work she can't afford a place, so it falls on H. She has family in the area who have said that she and the kids could stay there, but she hates them. It falls on H to find them a place. He's been trying to find rentals that offer short term leasing, but they all only offer 1 year leasing. They would not have to be out of the house for that long. His contractor says the house should be done and ready to move back in in 4-6 months. The state offers rental assistance, but only if a lease is signed. Long term hotels are too expensive. He would have to pay that out of pocket. Here's the kicker: he wants the kids AND THE EX to stay with us, as a last resort! He's trying to sweeten the pot by saying that he wouldn't give her the child support since it would be more expensive bills and bigger food bills. I don't care about the money! H and I have good paying jobs. I love the kids. I wish we could take them forever, but her too???? I understand she doesn't want to be separated from them, but her also living here with me and H? I can't wrap my head around this! I love H and the kids, but all I see is trouble on the horizon! I think our marriage will go up in flames! I need some advice. My friends and family think this is nuts. Even his ex thinks this is insane. Should I consider this as a last resort, and suck it up in case there's no other option, or should I keep telling H that if he can't find anything that she won't have any other choice but to go to her mother's house? I never, in my wildest dreams, thought I'd be in a situation like this.

Nope, nope, nope! I can't believe he wants his ex to move in as a last resort. I wouldn't want that period! I think you have to tell him your bottom line is that the ex will not move in period. Tell him you are fine with having the kids, but you draw the line at the ex.

What is his PSA like from the divorce? It may be time for him to go back to see his lawyer.

photokitty · June 2015

decembergrl2014 said:

For the newbies on here: a little history. My husband and I have been married for six months. It's the second marriage for both of us. I don't have any kids of my own, but he has three awesome kids. My husband owns a house in NJ that was damaged by hurricane Sandy. When he and his ex got divorced he let his ex and the kids stay there. He pays the mortgage and maintains the property since he's the sole owner. In a couple of weeks his ex and the kids have to move out because the house has to be elevated. His ex REFUSES to work. She hasn't worked in over a decade! Since she refuses to work she can't afford a place, so it falls on H. She has family in the area who have said that she and the kids could stay there, but she hates them. It falls on H to find them a place. He's been trying to find rentals that offer short term leasing, but they all only offer 1 year leasing. They would not have to be out of the house for that long. His contractor says the house should be done and ready to move back in in 4-6 months. The state offers rental assistance, but only if a lease is signed. Long term hotels are too expensive. He would have to pay that out of pocket. Here's the kicker: he wants the kids AND THE EX to stay with us, as a last resort! He's trying to sweeten the pot by saying that he wouldn't give her the child support since it would be more expensive bills and bigger food bills. I don't care about the money! H and I have good paying jobs. I love the kids. I wish we could take them forever, but her too???? I understand she doesn't want to be separated from them, but her also living here with me and H? I can't wrap my head around this! I love H and the kids, but all I see is trouble on the horizon! I think our marriage will go up in flames! I need some advice. My friends and family think this is nuts. Even his ex thinks this is insane. Should I consider this as a last resort, and suck it up in case there's no other option, or should I keep telling H that if he can't find anything that she won't have any other choice but to go to her mother's house? I never, in my wildest dreams, thought I'd be in a situation like this.

I don't understand how this "falls on him." He should tell her he will take the kids and she is on her own. She will be forced to find a solution. If she wants the kids with her than she will find a solution that allows her to keep the kids. I can't believe he pays child support and the mortgage, I'd have spent that money on fighting for full custody.

ShesSoCold · June 2015

It appears that you have married a jellyfish. He's clearly not going to put his foot down with the ex wife, so you need to put your foot down with him.

PamBeesly524 · June 2015

Yeah.. This is weird. If she can't support herself let alone three kids, why don't you and H or at least H have full custody?

flyingfoxes · June 2015

This is the craziest damn shit I have ever heard. This woman needs to get off her ass and get a job and figure out how where she is going to live. You guys can take the kids for the 4-6 months and she can figure out on her own where she wants to stay.

AddieCake · June 2015

I agree with PhotoKitty. I don't know why this falls on him. Obviously, he wants a roof over his kids' heads and as a human doesnt want to see their mother on the streets, but she refuses to work? Fuck that. He should not be putting is ex wife's needs and comfort over yours, especially when she is doing nothing to help her situation.

beachyone15 · June 2015

Have you talked to your H about how uncomfortable this makes you? That he is basically prioritizing her comfort over yours? I understand his concern for his kids, but it sounds like you need to tell him that this is crossing a line.

BouxRadley · June 2015

Oh hell no.

If she refuses to work, that's on her. If she can't afford a place, that's on HER. If she hates the family she CAN stay with, THAT'S. ON. HER.

This is going to put an unnecessary strain on both of you. Take the kids, tell her to grow the hell up, and call it a day. He is responsible for his children, not her. He divorced her. That's literally the point of divorce. To never be responsible for that person again.

She's been offered alternatives; she won't grow up and be a responsible mother and take them. It is not your responsibility to be her "fall back." You don't need her to see H as a fall back for anytime she has a problem in life. She'll know she always has that power and will abuse the crap out of it.

tl;dr - NO BUENO.

lyndausvi · June 2015

No, no, no.

Your DH is way too nice and his ex is taking advantage of the situation.

How is not giving her child support sweeten the pot? If they have a formal agreement from the courts he is NOT allowed to just stop pay child support. Even if it's temporary. He has to get his lawyer to formally request the temporary change due to circumstances or it could come back and bite him in the ass.

VulgarGirl · June 2015

Making sure his CHILDREN have a safe place to live is his responsibility. He's their parent. However making sure his adult ex-wife has a safe place to live, not his responsibility.

Take the kids in for sure. They have nothing to do with any of this are fully victims of circumstance. Ex-wife can go stay at the motel 6.

sheknows6 · June 2015

as other's have said- OH HELL NO.

Put your foot down, and do not move it until she's living with her mom or other family. She has options and her not "liking" those options are NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

No way in hell would I let an ex live in my house.

Maggie0829 · June 2015

Add me to the people confused as to why this is all falling on him. If she doesn't want to work that is HER choice but that doesn't mean that he should support her lazy ass. Honestly the fact that he continues to support his ex wife because she refuses to work would have been a major red flag prior to getting married. I would have had so many issues with that.

lyndausvi · June 2015

VulgarGirl said:

Making sure his CHILDREN have a safe place to live is his responsibility. He's their parent. However making sure his adult ex-wife has a safe place to live, not his responsibility.

Take the kids in for sure. They have nothing to do with any of this are fully victims of circumstance. Ex-wife can go stay at the motel 6.

First bold - totally agree.

Second bold - If they have a formal court agreement of who has physical custody it might not be that simple. In theory sure the ex-wife should allow the kids to stay with their dad during this, but as we all know parents get all cray-cray and put their own emotions above what is the right thing to do.

I do not know if there are any formal court agreements, but they need to be considered so it doesn't come back around later bite them in the ass.

VulgarGirl · June 2015

lyndausvi said:

VulgarGirl said:

Making sure his CHILDREN have a safe place to live is his responsibility. He's their parent. However making sure his adult ex-wife has a safe place to live, not his responsibility.

Take the kids in for sure. They have nothing to do with any of this are fully victims of circumstance. Ex-wife can go stay at the motel 6.

First bold - totally agree.

Second bold - If they have a formal court agreement of who has physical custody it might not be that simple. In theory sure the ex-wife should allow the kids to stay with their dad during this, but as we all know parents get all cray-cray and put their own emotions above what is the right thing to do.

I do not know if there are any formal court agreements, but they need to be considered so it doesn't come back around later bit them in the ass.

Good point Lynda. He might be able to get temporary physical custody? Or something along those lines depending on his state's laws. Like "Hey look in this situation we need to do this thing". Definitely need to look into that.

Oh and I thought of another thing, school? I'm sure they're on summer break now but you did say 4-6 months so if they are school aged do you and your husband live near their school? Would it be an issue even? Just something to think about.

decembergrl2014 · June 2015

I know I should stick to my guns, and keep saying no. Legally it's my house. I bought it before H and I met. I don't want it to come to this, but I've thought of saying that if he doesn't put his foot down with her then I'm going to have to do it with him. He will have to leave too. I will go back to living alone before his ex moves in. I know it sounds harsh, and it's the last thing I want to be when he's already so stressed out, but I feel like I need to make that (or any other ideas you wonderful knotties have) MY last resort.

climbingsingle · June 2015

Uh, why would he even consider taking in his ex-wife? This is crazy. No. She's an adult. She needs to find her own accomodations.

Maggie0829 · June 2015

decembergrl2014 said:

I know I should stick to my guns, and keep saying no. Legally it's my house. I bought it before H and I met. I don't want it to come to this, but I've thought of saying that if he doesn't put his foot down with her then I'm going to have to do it with him. He will have to leave too. I will go back to living alone before his ex moves in. I know it sounds harsh, and it's the last thing I want to be when he's already so stressed out, but I feel like I need to make that (or any other ideas you wonderful knotties have) MY last resort.

It does not sound harsh. What he is asking is insane. And the fact that he keeps supporting his ex-wife just because she doesn't feel like working is even more insane. This needs to stop and the only way it will is if you put your foot down.

pinkcow13 · June 2015

Yea, you need to put your foot down. He never should have suggested this in the first place. She is not his responsibility, she's a damn adult. His only responsibility in regards to the situation is to his kids. It seems that she's the way she is because everyone caters to her every need which is beyond ridiculous.

BouxRadley · June 2015

I can slightly understand the "she's the mother of my children, I can't leave her high and dry" argument, but since he's been supporting her, it sounds like pretty much 100% since the divorce, I think the argument would be null.

On the other hand, though, I wouldn't necessarily threaten to kick him out, because it sounds like he would go and find a place for, him, her and the kids to live together and that's not so kosher, either. He needs to learn how to be a man and husband and sever loyalties to his ex wife. If necessary, I'd take her to court for custody, but she's on her own residence wise.

decembergrl2014 · June 2015

I agree. I've told him so many times, "You had three kids, not four."

[Deleted User] · June 2015

photokitty said:

decembergrl2014 said:

For the newbies on here: a little history. My husband and I have been married for six months. It's the second marriage for both of us. I don't have any kids of my own, but he has three awesome kids. My husband owns a house in NJ that was damaged by hurricane Sandy. When he and his ex got divorced he let his ex and the kids stay there. He pays the mortgage and maintains the property since he's the sole owner. In a couple of weeks his ex and the kids have to move out because the house has to be elevated. His ex REFUSES to work. She hasn't worked in over a decade! Since she refuses to work she can't afford a place, so it falls on H. She has family in the area who have said that she and the kids could stay there, but she hates them. It falls on H to find them a place. He's been trying to find rentals that offer short term leasing, but they all only offer 1 year leasing. They would not have to be out of the house for that long. His contractor says the house should be done and ready to move back in in 4-6 months. The state offers rental assistance, but only if a lease is signed. Long term hotels are too expensive. He would have to pay that out of pocket. Here's the kicker: he wants the kids AND THE EX to stay with us, as a last resort! He's trying to sweeten the pot by saying that he wouldn't give her the child support since it would be more expensive bills and bigger food bills. I don't care about the money! H and I have good paying jobs. I love the kids. I wish we could take them forever, but her too???? I understand she doesn't want to be separated from them, but her also living here with me and H? I can't wrap my head around this! I love H and the kids, but all I see is trouble on the horizon! I think our marriage will go up in flames! I need some advice. My friends and family think this is nuts. Even his ex thinks this is insane. Should I consider this as a last resort, and suck it up in case there's no other option, or should I keep telling H that if he can't find anything that she won't have any other choice but to go to her mother's house? I never, in my wildest dreams, thought I'd be in a situation like this.

I don't understand how this "falls on him." He should tell her he will take the kids and she is on her own. She will be forced to find a solution. If she wants the kids with her than she will find a solution that allows her to keep the kids. I can't believe he pays child support and the mortgage, I'd have spent that money on fighting for full custody.

This exactly. If she can't take care of the kids, she should lose custody, the kids should go to him and she's on her own- even if it means a homeless shelter. I hope to God he didn't agree to something stupid in a divorce decree...

VulgarGirl · June 2015

So what's the deal? Does he have a bad case of white knight syndrom or does he feel guilty over shit that went down in their marriage?

Cause either way boy needs to work that shit out.

novella1186 · June 2015

Renting her an apartment with a year lease (so you have that apartment for 6 months longer than you might need it) seems WAY LESS CRAZY than letting her move in with you guys. Just rent the damn apartment as the last resort. JFC! You could always sub-lease it after the 6 months if you really needed to.

I also agree with PP, that taking care of her and providing her housing plus paying child support and whatever else is NOT his responsibility (I mean, yes paying child support is definitely his responsibility, but all the other things he's doing like paying her mortgage seems excessive and unnecessary)

STARMOON44 · June 2015

There are plenty of places that will do a short term lease. Don't fall for that.

lyndausvi · June 2015

FeeleyToBe said:

photokitty said:

decembergrl2014 said:

For the newbies on here: a little history. My husband and I have been married for six months. It's the second marriage for both of us. I don't have any kids of my own, but he has three awesome kids. My husband owns a house in NJ that was damaged by hurricane Sandy. When he and his ex got divorced he let his ex and the kids stay there. He pays the mortgage and maintains the property since he's the sole owner. In a couple of weeks his ex and the kids have to move out because the house has to be elevated. His ex REFUSES to work. She hasn't worked in over a decade! Since she refuses to work she can't afford a place, so it falls on H. She has family in the area who have said that she and the kids could stay there, but she hates them. It falls on H to find them a place. He's been trying to find rentals that offer short term leasing, but they all only offer 1 year leasing. They would not have to be out of the house for that long. His contractor says the house should be done and ready to move back in in 4-6 months. The state offers rental assistance, but only if a lease is signed. Long term hotels are too expensive. He would have to pay that out of pocket. Here's the kicker: he wants the kids AND THE EX to stay with us, as a last resort! He's trying to sweeten the pot by saying that he wouldn't give her the child support since it would be more expensive bills and bigger food bills. I don't care about the money! H and I have good paying jobs. I love the kids. I wish we could take them forever, but her too???? I understand she doesn't want to be separated from them, but her also living here with me and H? I can't wrap my head around this! I love H and the kids, but all I see is trouble on the horizon! I think our marriage will go up in flames! I need some advice. My friends and family think this is nuts. Even his ex thinks this is insane. Should I consider this as a last resort, and suck it up in case there's no other option, or should I keep telling H that if he can't find anything that she won't have any other choice but to go to her mother's house? I never, in my wildest dreams, thought I'd be in a situation like this.

I don't understand how this "falls on him." He should tell her he will take the kids and she is on her own. She will be forced to find a solution. If she wants the kids with her than she will find a solution that allows her to keep the kids. I can't believe he pays child support and the mortgage, I'd have spent that money on fighting for full custody.

This exactly. If she can't take care of the kids, she should lose custody, the kids should go to him and she's on her own- even if it means a homeless shelter. I hope to God he didn't agree to something stupid in a divorce decree...

I really wish it was that simple. If they have a court agreement it's just not. OP hasn't said either way.

IF they have a court agreement that she has physical custody I do not see a NJ judge say the ex will temporarily lose custody kids as a result of the dad essentially kicking her out of the house. Sure she has to leave for practical reasons, but end end result is mom is going to temporarily loses her home and kids. Judges do not always like that line of thinking.

Then there are other issues. The OP and husband both work, who takes care of the kids during the day. It's summer time, they are not in school so they need full time care (assuming they are not in camps and stuff). What happens when they return to school? Does the OP live near the school? How with they get there?

Look, I'm not saying this situation doesn't suck. Your husband allowed her to take advantage of him. I'm just not so sure it's as easy as saying "kids will live with us, ex is on her own".

Her living in your home is not an option, but I think you might have realize you might have to suck it up and pay for the expensive temp housing.

STARMOON44 · June 2015

I'm also unaware of any requirement to elevate shore houses on a particular schedule. He should wait to elevate until after he's sorted this out not push through evicting her in a few weeks.

decembergrl2014 · June 2015

@lyndausvi- I am off in the summers. (I'm a teacher.) H works all summer long.

When they got divorced the only time they went to court was for the judge to approve everything. They did one of those quickie, no lawyer divorces. As for custody, they agreed on joint legal custody. He gets them on the weekends, and one night during the week to visit (not overnight).

The kids and ex live in NJ. The school district the kids go to is about 30-40 minutes away, and they don't provide bus service. H and I live in NY.

lyndausvi · June 2015

decembergrl2014 said:

@lyndausvi- I am off in the summers. (I'm a teacher.) H works all summer long. When they got divorced the only time they went to court was for the judge to approve everything. They did one of those quickie, no lawyer divorces. As for custody, they agreed on joint legal custody. He gets them on the weekends, and one night during the week to visit (not overnight). The kids and ex live in NJ. The school district the kids go to is about 30-40 minutes away, and they don't provide bus service. H and I live in NY.

Which means she has primary physical custody. It's not necessarily easy to just say we will take the kids for 4-6 months to another state and you are thrown out on the streets.

Address the ridiculousness of him paying for her entire lifestyle separate from this situation.

Child support is one thing. Heck, even him paying the mortgage doesn't bother me. It's his house, so in theory he will get the money back when he sells. Paying for her entire lifestyle? That is a bit over-the-top and should have been addressed LONG before this situation came up.

He has basically allowed her to be a non-paying tenant. She is being displaced due to no fault of her own. As her landlord so-to-speak and the fact he voluntarily supported her all these years I think he needs to suck it up and pay for the short term rental.

On another note: Could you not have written up a lease for her so you could have gotten rental displacement funds? Personally I would have had a lease anyway, but clearly your DH doesn't care he is being taken advantage of.

decembergrl2014 · June 2015

@lyndausvi - he either has to do that, or force her to go to her mother's house. If neither one of those work then I'll have no choice but to ask him to find a place for himself too. It'll break my heart to do it, but I'm not a doormat. I already spoke to my mother about it too. Worse comes to worse she and I will go to Hawaii together.

LD1970 · June 2015

Is their divorce in NJ? It's partly an aside, but even if she moves in with you guys or with him, he can't just stop paying child support, even direct pay not through probation (and definitely NOT if it IS through probation). They'd have to do a consent order suspending support, get it signed by the judge, and filed with the court before child support could be suspended.

Otherwise, she's free to say he just stopped paying and then go after him for it in an enforcement action.

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