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Crazy situation

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Re: Crazy situation

  • BouxRadleyBouxRadley DFW member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    It honestly just sounds like there wasn't a lot of clear and honest communication prenuptial. Does he seem to care at all how you feel about this situation? I think you need to just sit him down and tell him where your head's at and how you're feeling and why you feel the situation is so wrong. If he still puts her above you, then you've got yourself a case. Because it doesn't sound like the kids are even really his priority, it's all four of them as a unit. Maybe he still sees her as family? Either way. Like PP said, it doesn't sound like he's emotionally divorced from her. 

    No matter what happens, it sucks and I'm so sorry you have to go through this. 

    P.S. Sometimes you have to create your own miracles. 
    PrettyGirlLostkimmiinthemitten
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    spglsp said:
    When he and I first started dating he told me they each had lawyers, but because she didn't work and had no money, he was going to have to pay for both of their lawyers. She was also staying at her parents house, and they hated him at the time, so they were influencing her a lot. He told me he feels guilty about the way he treated her when they were married. I told him he was to find a way to work through it, and to forgive himself. He also doesn't want to try for full custody. I think part of it is out of guilt, and he's afraid the kids will hate him for taking their mother away from them. He also reminded me of something tonight. His ex has a sister that also lives with the parents. The sister is very mean to his younger daughter. She calls her names like fat and stupid. H said he witnessed this first hand, and the sister still lives there. From what he told me that's the reason why his ex doesn't want to stay there. If that's true, I don't blame her. If someone were talking to my child like that I wouldn't want to be there either. When he reminded me of that I was tempted to back down, but I didn't. I know the kids love me and feel safe with me. Part of me wants to give in for their sake, but I'm scared to death that it'll be the final nail in the coffin, as far as my marriage goes. With this situation, he and I are hanging on by a thread.
    That "pay for her lawyer" thing is just not how it works; you do not pay for your ex's divorce lawyer. I stand by my previous post, he is deeply entrenched and whether that's from guilt or anything else, it does not matter. The kids don't have to stay with some hateful relative, they can stay with you; she can't. If neither of them can prioritize the kids having stable housing over her hurt feelings at not being included, that's also a problem. No one is going to be homeless here, but it doesn't seem like there is a solution that will fully satisfy all three parties.

    To the bolded, yes, it does actually work that way when one party in a divorce is the sole bread winner.  And if this ex never had a job where she had her own income, it would be the responsibility of the other party (OP's H in this case) to pay the attorney fees.  It's not always a 100% that needs to be paid, it case be a sliding scale depending on certain circumstances.  I have seen this first hand working for a family law attorney in NJ.  It doesn't happen often, but it does happen.

    OP- I'm sorry you are going through this right now.  I think you need to encourage your H to find any rental for his ex and kids.  Has he looked through craigslist or driven around neighborhoods where the kids go to school?  Sometimes, if you offer to pay a little more per month, a landlord will be more willing to go for a shorter rental term.  I also think you should encourage your H to get a lawyer to go over their divorce settlement.  At the least, have timeframes added to certain things.  Like the ex will vacate the house after the youngest child turns 18 and is a full time student, etc.

    STARMOON44
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
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    In a lot of states it's extremely difficult to get sole custody of children during or after a divorce, especially it seems for the husband. There has to be a clear and substantial case of abuse, neglect, etc. So it may not even be realistic or feasible for OP's husband to seek full custody. But it's pretty clear he needs to stop pissing around and get a lawyer now, before renting an apartment for his ex or doing anything else. These agreements where OPs husband totally subsidizes his ex, a grown add adult, needs to come to a definitive end. She needs to get a job, pay for her own housing, etc. Otherwise OP might as well start looking for her own lawyer, one that specializes in divorce.
    To the bolded, I disagree. OP said she didn't have a problem with the previous arrangement. It might not work for you or for me, but OP knew about this when she married her husband and she was okay with him paying for the house and her not working. Maybe the possibility of the ex-wife living with her is the straw that is breaking the camel's back with this, but I don't agree that we should be telling OP what she should be okay with in her marriage. 

    Anyway, OP, you seem like a reasonable person. As much as I hate an ultimatum, have you sat down with your H and told him that under no circumstances are you living with his ex wife? How does he respond? 
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  • So, people are actually suggesting this man kick his ex wife out of her home, and then seek full custody of the kids?!? Yeah sure that'll work. Him being an idiot and a terrible husband doesn't make her an unfit mother.

    OP it sounds like you know this marriage was a bad idea. Get out quickly and try and figure out why you wanted life with a manchild.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • kvruns said:

    this might be a good situation to bring in a counselor/therapist to have a more objective party help you guys work through this so it doesn't go to the extreme of her and kids moving in and you filing for divorce.  Sounds like there are underlying issues that could be worked through and a professional might be able to help, both in helping him see why what he has been doing and is proposing is whacko and help you understand more about him and why he thinks that is a good idea.

    OP, isn't it your house?  Like, you owned it alone before him?  Yeah, no way in hell I'd let his ex move in.
    huskypuppy14sarawifenow
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    The state of New Jersey is one of those states where it's next to impossible to separate children from their mother. Same with NY. Unless a miracle happens, I don't think he and I will make it. A divorce shouldn't be so bad financially. We are married less than a year, and everything is separate. I'm just having trouble wrapping my head around the fact that I will probably end up being twice divorced. I know it's not the worst thing in the world. It's just sad. @novella1186: thank you for your kind words
    Oh brother, no, I sure hope not!

    I think it's time for a Come to Jesus talk with this man, and strongly, strongly, suggest he get a lawyer involved to settle his divorce and custody agreements with his ex.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    In a lot of states it's extremely difficult to get sole custody of children during or after a divorce, especially it seems for the husband. There has to be a clear and substantial case of abuse, neglect, etc. So it may not even be realistic or feasible for OP's husband to seek full custody. But it's pretty clear he needs to stop pissing around and get a lawyer now, before renting an apartment for his ex or doing anything else. These agreements where OPs husband totally subsidizes his ex, a grown add adult, needs to come to a definitive end. She needs to get a job, pay for her own housing, etc. Otherwise OP might as well start looking for her own lawyer, one that specializes in divorce.
    To the bolded, I disagree. OP said she didn't have a problem with the previous arrangement. It might not work for you or for me, but OP knew about this when she married her husband and she was okay with him paying for the house and her not working. Maybe the possibility of the ex-wife living with her is the straw that is breaking the camel's back with this, but I don't agree that we should be telling OP what she should be okay with in her marriage. 

    Anyway, OP, you seem like a reasonable person. As much as I hate an ultimatum, have you sat down with your H and told him that under no circumstances are you living with his ex wife? How does he respond? 
    So you're ok with a grown ass adult refusing to get a job to support herself and her kids, and "allowing" her ex husband to support her and their kids, 100%, for the rest of their lives?

    If she's not disabled, why shouldn't she work and help support her own kids?  Isn't that her responsibility too?

    Yeah, I judge this, because it's this very loose agreement that is partially responsible for this very unfortunate mess the OP and her husband and his kids and his ex are now in.  I agree with PPs who have said that these divorce agreements should be codified and have a statute of limitations of some sort.
    No, I'm not personally okay with any of this but that doesn't mean OP can't be. That was my entire point. What works or doesn't work for us shouldn't determine what works or doesn't work for OP. 

    Maybe the H is a schmillionaire with money falling from his ass. Maybe he'd rather have the mother of his children be home with them instead of working to make ends meet when he has the means to provide for them. Maybe not. Either way it's not our position to decide what OP should be comfortable with. 
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  • decembergrl2014decembergrl2014 NYC!!! member
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    @Maggie0829 - love the pic!

    I did tell H that if she were to stay (and at this point I would do it for the kids. With the way I'm feeling right now H and his ex could both eat shit and die!)I said that she would have to get a summer job. She's not familiar with my area, and I will be off for the summer, so I can drive her around and she can fill out applications until her fucking hand falls off. If she's that set against working then maybe going to her mother's won't sound so bad. If H can't back me up on this then I AM DONE!!!!!!

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  • @Maggie0829 - love the pic! I did tell H that if she were to stay (and at this point I would do it for the kids. With the way I'm feeling right now H and his ex could both eat shit and die!)I said that she would have to get a summer job. She's not familiar with my area, and I will be off for the summer, so I can drive her around and she can fill out applications until her fucking hand falls off. If she's that set against working then maybe going to her mother's won't sound so bad. If H can't back me up on this then I AM DONE!!!!!!
    You said she can stay in your house??

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  • decembergrl2014decembergrl2014 NYC!!! member
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    edited June 2015
    As an absolute last resort. He said he doesn't want her with us any more than I do. Again, at this point it would be for the kids.

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  • decembergrl2014decembergrl2014 NYC!!! member
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    Then I trick her into getting her lazy ass in the car and drop her and the kids off at her mother's.

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  • I don't understand why you guys take the kids for the 4-6 mon and she stays with her parents. Then the kids dont have to be around hateful auntie and ex doesnt live with you. Especially if it is only temporary, and the ex can visit the kids.

     

    I hope you guys find a solution that works for you though <3

     

     

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  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    If you let her move in - I'm sorry but I don't see this ending anyway but in divorce. The exW has control over everyone in this situation. You will be a captive in your own home.

    I don't understand why my suggestion of getting a rental he can sublet after is not being considered. He needs to fix this. You do not need to subsidize her living expenses - which is exactly what you re doing if you own your home, are paying the mortgage and keeping your finances separate.

    I think counseling is in order. You need a third party to mediate the situation and help the two of you work through it. 
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  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
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    Also, if the kids move in with you (with or without their mom) they will have to change school once the new year starts. Its not like you live in the next town over, you live in a different state. And schools require proof or residency.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited June 2015
    KatWAG said:
    Also, if the kids move in with you (with or without their mom) they will have to change school once the new year starts. Its not like you live in the next town over, you live in a different state. And schools require proof or residency.
    They are only 30-40 minutes away.  They can still attend their old school.  They are being temporarily displaced.   They are still residences of the other school district.


    But like someone said before, just because the kids move in doesn't mean her husband can just stop paying child support.  They have to go through the courts, even if it's temporary and everyone agrees or the ex-wife can claim he didn't pay.






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  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    KatWAG said:
    Also, if the kids move in with you (with or without their mom) they will have to change school once the new year starts. Its not like you live in the next town over, you live in a different state. And schools require proof or residency.
    They could still list the house under repair as their primary residence I'm sure. The schools might have to sign off, but I don't think this is the issue as they still "live" at that house, they are just temporarily displaced.
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
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    So you're ok with a grown ass adult refusing to get a job to support herself and her kids, and "allowing" her ex husband to support her and their kids, 100%, for the rest of their lives?

    If she's not disabled, why shouldn't she work and help support her own kids?  Isn't that her responsibility too?

    Yeah, I judge this, because it's this very loose agreement that is partially responsible for this very unfortunate mess the OP and her husband and his kids and his ex are now in.  I agree with PPs who have said that these divorce agreements should be codified and have a statute of limitations of some sort.
    No, I'm not personally okay with any of this but that doesn't mean OP can't be. That was my entire point. What works or doesn't work for us shouldn't determine what works or doesn't work for OP. 

    Maybe the H is a schmillionaire with money falling from his ass. Maybe he'd rather have the mother of his children be home with them instead of working to make ends meet when he has the means to provide for them. Maybe not. Either way it's not our position to decide what OP should be comfortable with. 
    Doesn't sound like OP is ok with it:


    @Maggie0829 - love the pic! I did tell H that if she were to stay (and at this point I would do it for the kids. With the way I'm feeling right now H and his ex could both eat shit and die!)I said that she would have to get a summer job. She's not familiar with my area, and I will be off for the summer, so I can drive her around and she can fill out applications until her fucking hand falls off. If she's that set against working then maybe going to her mother's won't sound so bad. If H can't back me up on this then I AM DONE!!!!!!


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    @Maggie0829 - love the pic! I did tell H that if she were to stay (and at this point I would do it for the kids. With the way I'm feeling right now H and his ex could both eat shit and die!)I said that she would have to get a summer job. She's not familiar with my area, and I will be off for the summer, so I can drive her around and she can fill out applications until her fucking hand falls off. If she's that set against working then maybe going to her mother's won't sound so bad. If H can't back me up on this then I AM DONE!!!!!!

    I wouldn't do this. I feel like you're setting a dangerous precedence if you even hint that you'll allow her to live in your house under certain conditions. Then you have bent to his/her will and they will know that you can be manipulated for anything further they might need. Like her staying there longer than the expected time.

     

    Also, who pays the mortgage on your house (not his). Does that come out of the joint account or is that paid by you?

    She said that she pays it and their finances are separate.
    BabyFruit Ticker
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