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Crazy situation

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Re: Crazy situation

  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
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    lyndausvi said:
    We actually did say for better or for worse in our vows.    And richer and poorer for that matter.   

    While asking for the ex to move in is recent, the underlying situation is not.  You knew when you got married about the agreement.  If you didn't know that details, then that is your own fault.

    This is your worse.  Having the ex move into our home is NOT an option.  However, that doesn't mean I'm not going to support my husband in getting through this.    With some concessions of course.

    Because there is an agreement that he pays for their housing,  I would help out my husband with securing temporary housing.    More indirectly by picking up more of OUR joint expenses so he can free up some money.    It's only 4-6 months, it's something I would be willing to take on since there is an ending.

    In exchange, DH would have to agree to re-visit the current arrangements with a lawyer.   He might still pay for the mortgage (it's his house and getting equity anyway).  However, he can ask she will now pick up the expenses a standard paying tenant would have to pay. 

     He should ask that the alimony limited to another year.  That way she has time to find a job before she loses it.   

    She has to be out of the house by "x" date.  Whether that is a few months after the last one graduates from HS or  college or 4 years from now regardless of how old the kids are.    Just find an end date.

    Maybe even throw in he has the kids all summer if he wants more time.

    Now a judge may not sign off on all or any of the changes, but at least he tried.  And that is the important thing here.  Him trying to fix would mean a lot, even if a judge rejects some of the requests.   At least then you can blame a judge then him being overly accommodating.
    All of this.

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  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
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    So you're ok with a grown ass adult refusing to get a job to support herself and her kids, and "allowing" her ex husband to support her and their kids, 100%, for the rest of their lives?

    If she's not disabled, why shouldn't she work and help support her own kids?  Isn't that her responsibility too?

    Yeah, I judge this, because it's this very loose agreement that is partially responsible for this very unfortunate mess the OP and her husband and his kids and his ex are now in.  I agree with PPs who have said that these divorce agreements should be codified and have a statute of limitations of some sort.
    No, I'm not personally okay with any of this but that doesn't mean OP can't be. That was my entire point. What works or doesn't work for us shouldn't determine what works or doesn't work for OP. 

    Maybe the H is a schmillionaire with money falling from his ass. Maybe he'd rather have the mother of his children be home with them instead of working to make ends meet when he has the means to provide for them. Maybe not. Either way it's not our position to decide what OP should be comfortable with. 
    Doesn't sound like OP is ok with it:


    @Maggie0829 - love the pic! I did tell H that if she were to stay (and at this point I would do it for the kids. With the way I'm feeling right now H and his ex could both eat shit and die!)I said that she would have to get a summer job. She's not familiar with my area, and I will be off for the summer, so I can drive her around and she can fill out applications until her fucking hand falls off. If she's that set against working then maybe going to her mother's won't sound so bad. If H can't back me up on this then I AM DONE!!!!!!

    In my first post about this, I said OP seems to be okay with the previous arrangement. I don't want to put words in her mouth, but she didn't seem to have a problem with any of this until there was a possibility that the ex wife move into her home. And I was answering your highlighted question - OP never said she had a problem with that. 

    I think we can agree that OP has a problem with the ex-wife living with her, as most sane people would. 
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  • I would not give up on my marriage yet. That kind of decision is not best made under so much stress. Will your H go to councilling with you? A therapist can look at the situation and make suggestions without being emotional involved. I so hope this works out for you. I am also on my second marriage and can only imagine how you feel.
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
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    debbeau said:
    I would not give up on my marriage yet. That kind of decision is not best made under so much stress. Will your H go to councilling with you? A therapist can look at the situation and make suggestions without being emotional involved. I so hope this works out for you. I am also on my second marriage and can only imagine how you feel.

    You might want to tip toe through OP's past threads. There are a ton of red flags. They seem to have a history of empty threats and communication issues.
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  • decembergrl2014decembergrl2014 NYC!!! member
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  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
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    edited June 2015
    sarahufl said:
    I've been following this thread and just shaking my head. No part of this makes sense. You haven't mentioned that the ex wife has a disability that keeps her from working, so I am going under the assumption that she does not.

    In which case- she is an ADULT. She needs to....be an adult....and that means working and caring for herself and her children in an adult manner. We all fall on hard times and need support, but in this case, you shouldn't be the one providing it. No part of this situation makes sense and you can rest assured I would NOT let the ex move into MY HOUSE that I PAID FOR and be a mooch. No way, no how.

    Also, I am not going to even touch the very clear relationship and communication issues you all have. This isn't a healthy relationship, I suggest counseling where you can work through this or you have a very long road ahead of you.
    To the bolded: She doesn't need to work or care for her children because she is being enabled by her ex-H.
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  • sarahuflsarahufl New York member
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    KatWAG said:
    sarahufl said:
    I've been following this thread and just shaking my head. No part of this makes sense. You haven't mentioned that the ex wife has a disability that keeps her from working, so I am going under the assumption that she does not.

    In which case- she is an ADULT. She needs to....be an adult....and that means working and caring for herself and her children in an adult manner. We all fall on hard times and need support, but in this case, you shouldn't be the one providing it. No part of this situation makes sense and you can rest assured I would NOT let the ex move into MY HOUSE that I PAID FOR and be a mooch. No way, no how.

    Also, I am not going to even touch the very clear relationship and communication issues you all have. This isn't a healthy relationship, I suggest counseling where you can work through this or you have a very long road ahead of you.
    To the bolded: She doesn't need to work or care for her children because she is being enabled by her ex-H.
    lol, excellent point. In which case, the ex husband ALSO needs to be adult.

    There isn't much adult-ing going on here.
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  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
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    How old are the kids? This will greatly impact how lazy I find her.

    If she moves in with you (bad idea) who is going to watch the kids all day if you succeed in forcing her to get a job?

    If none of the kids are in school then I honestly would not find any fault in her not having a job. Paying for childcare would probably negate any salary she would receive.

    If they are in high school and can be left alone, then my opinion will be different. 
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  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
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    How old are the kids? This will greatly impact how lazy I find her.


    If she moves in with you (bad idea) who is going to watch the kids all day if you succeed in forcing her to get a job?

    If none of the kids are in school then I honestly would not find any fault in her not having a job. Paying for childcare would probably negate any salary she would receive.

    If they are in high school and can be left alone, then my opinion will be different. 
    So single moms or dads should stay at home and live off of whatever means they can so they can stay home because the ridiculous cost of child care negates the salary they could potentially make?

    Makes sense to me. My mom must've been an idiot to work two jobs and go to school full time. Silly silly mom.

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  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    How old are the kids? This will greatly impact how lazy I find her.

    If she moves in with you (bad idea) who is going to watch the kids all day if you succeed in forcing her to get a job?

    If none of the kids are in school then I honestly would not find any fault in her not having a job. Paying for childcare would probably negate any salary she would receive.

    If they are in high school and can be left alone, then my opinion will be different. 
    So single moms or dads should stay at home and live off of whatever means they can so they can stay home because the ridiculous cost of child care negates the salary they could potentially make? Makes sense to me. My mom must've been an idiot to work two jobs and go to school full time. Silly silly mom.
    I wouldn't say that.

    However if the agreement is that he pays for their housing, he gives her CS and alimony and she can life off that without working, so be it.     

    Since it's in an agreement signed off by a judge it's not as easy has just cutting her off.   If he wants her to work HE is going to have to go back to the courts and get his obligations lowered to make her start financially contributing. 








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  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
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    lyndausvi said:



    How old are the kids? This will greatly impact how lazy I find her.


    If she moves in with you (bad idea) who is going to watch the kids all day if you succeed in forcing her to get a job?

    If none of the kids are in school then I honestly would not find any fault in her not having a job. Paying for childcare would probably negate any salary she would receive.

    If they are in high school and can be left alone, then my opinion will be different. 
    So single moms or dads should stay at home and live off of whatever means they can so they can stay home because the ridiculous cost of child care negates the salary they could potentially make?

    Makes sense to me. My mom must've been an idiot to work two jobs and go to school full time. Silly silly mom.

    I wouldn't say that.

    However if the agreement is that he pays for their housing, he gives her CS and alimony and she can life off that without working, so be it.     

    Since it's in an agreement signed off by a judge it's not as easy has just cutting her off.   If he wants her to work HE is going to have to go back to the courts and get his obligations lowered to make her start financially contributing. 




    But it is clear that she cannot live off of what he's giving her and not work.

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  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    How old are the kids? This will greatly impact how lazy I find her.

    If she moves in with you (bad idea) who is going to watch the kids all day if you succeed in forcing her to get a job?

    If none of the kids are in school then I honestly would not find any fault in her not having a job. Paying for childcare would probably negate any salary she would receive.

    If they are in high school and can be left alone, then my opinion will be different. 
    So single moms or dads should stay at home and live off of whatever means they can so they can stay home because the ridiculous cost of child care negates the salary they could potentially make? Makes sense to me. My mom must've been an idiot to work two jobs and go to school full time. Silly silly mom.
    Yeah - that's exactly what I said :unamused: FFS 

    If her H agreed to pay for exW to stay at home bc they divorced with 3 young children, then that's an agreement between them. Honestly, even if the kids are in HS, it's none of my business. I'm guessing the "guilt" is substantiated and the reason he pays for his ex to live and have to work.

    What your mom did or what my mom did has no baring on the agreement that the OP and his ex have. If she wants to be a stay at home mom and he decided to subsidize her lifestyle so she could then that's their decision. I'm just trying get the full story here bc OP left some big holes.

    I'm not bashing SAHMs or working moms, so don't put words in my mouth to suggest I am. This is a singular situation.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    How old are the kids? This will greatly impact how lazy I find her.

    If she moves in with you (bad idea) who is going to watch the kids all day if you succeed in forcing her to get a job?

    If none of the kids are in school then I honestly would not find any fault in her not having a job. Paying for childcare would probably negate any salary she would receive.

    If they are in high school and can be left alone, then my opinion will be different. 
    So single moms or dads should stay at home and live off of whatever means they can so they can stay home because the ridiculous cost of child care negates the salary they could potentially make? Makes sense to me. My mom must've been an idiot to work two jobs and go to school full time. Silly silly mom.
    I wouldn't say that.

    However if the agreement is that he pays for their housing, he gives her CS and alimony and she can life off that without working, so be it.     

    Since it's in an agreement signed off by a judge it's not as easy has just cutting her off.   If he wants her to work HE is going to have to go back to the courts and get his obligations lowered to make her start financially contributing. 


    But it is clear that she cannot live off of what he's giving her and not work.
    Not really.

    It's clear she can't live off the CS and alimony alone her own.  Hence, why she needs help with temporary housing.

    However, he pays her housing (and maybe utilities).  If she is frugal enough she can live off CS and alimony just fine since she doesn't have housing expenses.       Which again is something the ex-husband seems to have agreed with.

    I would love to know how long they have known about the displacement?   Moving, even temporarily can be expensive and a hardship for the working person.






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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
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    How old are the kids? This will greatly impact how lazy I find her.

    If she moves in with you (bad idea) who is going to watch the kids all day if you succeed in forcing her to get a job?

    If none of the kids are in school then I honestly would not find any fault in her not having a job. Paying for childcare would probably negate any salary she would receive.

    If they are in high school and can be left alone, then my opinion will be different. 
    So single moms or dads should stay at home and live off of whatever means they can so they can stay home because the ridiculous cost of child care negates the salary they could potentially make? Makes sense to me. My mom must've been an idiot to work two jobs and go to school full time. Silly silly mom.
    I wouldn't say that.

    However if the agreement is that he pays for their housing, he gives her CS and alimony and she can life off that without working, so be it.     

    Since it's in an agreement signed off by a judge it's not as easy has just cutting her off.   If he wants her to work HE is going to have to go back to the courts and get his obligations lowered to make her start financially contributing. 


    But it is clear that she cannot live off of what he's giving her and not work.
    BOXESBOXESBOXES

    I don't think that's true. It sounds like she's been living off what he gives her without working for a while.

    It also looks like he agreed to provide her with housing as part of the divorce. Alimony doesn't have to be cash from one person to the other. It can also include things like providing housing or benefits. It may be that he's legally responsible her housing.
  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited June 2015
    lyndausvi said:
    How old are the kids? This will greatly impact how lazy I find her.

    If she moves in with you (bad idea) who is going to watch the kids all day if you succeed in forcing her to get a job?

    If none of the kids are in school then I honestly would not find any fault in her not having a job. Paying for childcare would probably negate any salary she would receive.

    If they are in high school and can be left alone, then my opinion will be different. 
    So single moms or dads should stay at home and live off of whatever means they can so they can stay home because the ridiculous cost of child care negates the salary they could potentially make? Makes sense to me. My mom must've been an idiot to work two jobs and go to school full time. Silly silly mom.
    I wouldn't say that.

    However if the agreement is that he pays for their housing, he gives her CS and alimony and she can life off that without working, so be it.     

    Since it's in an agreement signed off by a judge it's not as easy has just cutting her off.   If he wants her to work HE is going to have to go back to the courts and get his obligations lowered to make her start financially contributing. 


    But it is clear that she cannot live off of what he's giving her and not work.
    Not really.

    It's clear she can't live off the CS and alimony alone her own.  Hence, why she needs help with temporary housing.

    However, he pays her housing (and maybe utilities).  If she is frugal enough she can live off CS and alimony just fine since she doesn't have housing expenses.       Which again is something the ex-husband seems to have agreed with.

    I would love to know how long they have known about the displacement?   Moving, even temporarily can be expensive and a hardship for the working person.
    This. It's clear she's been living off the CS & alimony, with her ex covering the mortgage, since at least Dec (I'm assuming much longer since that's when OP married him). Not being able to afford housing outside the agreement she and OP's H is very understandable.

    I think this whole situation is OP's husband's problem. He created it, he enabled his ex. The real problem now is OP's H is trying to make it the OP's problem. 
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

    lyndausvi
  • Hey OP, one more point to consider- if your H's ex moves in your home for several months, she might be considered a tenant rather than a guest.  I don't know when a guest becomes a tenant per NJ law, but I'm aware that if she decides not to leave your home when repairs on the other house are complete, you would need to follow a formal eviction process.  Eviction can be a long and expensive process. I agree with previous posters that you shouldn't let her move in, but at the very least, consult with a lawyer before letting her move in.
    Fran1985 [Deleted User]lyndausvi
  • Oh hell no. 

    If she refuses to work, that's on her. If she can't afford a place, that's on HER. If she hates the family she CAN stay with, THAT'S. ON. HER. 

    This is going to put an unnecessary strain on both of you. Take the kids, tell her to grow the hell up, and call it a day. He is responsible for his children, not her. He divorced her. That's literally the point of divorce. To never be responsible for that person again. 

    She's been offered alternatives; she won't grow up and be a responsible mother and take them. It is not your responsibility to be her "fall back." You don't need her to see H as a fall back for anytime she has a problem in life. She'll know she always has that power and will abuse the crap out of it. 

    tl;dr - NO BUENO. 
    ---------------------------------------------------
    This.  Completely.

    PrettyGirlLost
  • sarahuflsarahufl New York member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    KatWAG said:
    OP I have (not so patiently) been waiting for an update. Anything??? @decembergrl2014

    I think the OP is going to continue to ignore this thread, even though she has been online. And then in 3-4 months start a thread asking for ideas on how to kick the ex out of her house.
    Vicious cycle.
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