Bridesmaid duty

[Deleted User] · July 2015

I am a bridesmaid in my friends wedding. Her shower is a "simple" backyard bbq at her aunts house. She has a maid and matron of honor who have planned the whole thing. We are getting catered sandwich platters and each bringing a side. Food for 30ish people ended up being $45 per each of the 7 girls in the bridal party. The maid of honor picked out the decorations, ordered the expensive invites, and all the other stuff, with no input from anyone else. She's now asking us each to give $115 towards the shower. I don't want to make a stink and cause tension before the big events but I'm a little confused as to why it's so much. Is it normal that the whole bridal party is expected to pay? I'm unable to come up with that money by the shower but I don't want to say anything to make anyone upset. I just feel like I'm being asked to pay a lot of money for something I had no real say in. I am very frugal and would have done things differently knowing I don't have a lot of spare cash. Thoughts? Advice? Maybe this is the norm and I've just never seen it before in the numerous weddings I've been in....

pinupbride6189 · July 2015

This is not ok. The MOHs are the ones hosting the shower, so they are the ones that should be paying for it. If all of the BMs were co-hosting, that would be one thing, but it doesn't sound like the case. The only "duties" you have as BM are to show up on time for the wedding, relatively sober, in the agreed upon attire and good spirits, and stand there for pictures. It is not your duty to go broke on a party.

Did the MOHs discuss cost-splitting with you or other members of the BP before hand or did they just invoice you? Either way, it's rude to expect someone to subsidize a party you're hosting.

ETF: subject verb agreement

[Deleted User] · July 2015

pinupbride6189 said:
This is not ok. The MOHs are the ones hosting the shower, so they are the ones that should be paying for it. If all of the BMs were co-hosting, that would be one thing, but it doesn't sound like the case. The only "duties" you have as BM is to show up on time for the wedding, relatively sober, in the agreed upon attire and good spirits, and stand there for pictures. It is not your duty to go broke on a party.

Did the MOHs discuss cost-splitting with you or other members of the BP before hand or did they just invoice you? Either way, it's rude to expect someone to subsidize a party you're hosting.

We had one meeting to discuss details. This consisted of the moh showing us everything she already bought, decor, invites, favors, etc.. And then deciding on food. She said we would split the food but never mentioned splitting the rest of the stuff. Then we get an email last week (2 weeks before the shower) saying each girl will owe $115 total plus needs to bring a 12 pack of beer, bag of ice, and a side dish.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

I'm sitting here trying to figure out how paper goods, favors, and a few decorations is costing 7 girls about $75 each?! For a small e0-35 person shower!

pinupbride6189 · July 2015

Knottie22105860 said:

This is not ok. The MOHs are the ones hosting the shower, so they are the ones that should be paying for it. If all of the BMs were co-hosting, that would be one thing, but it doesn't sound like the case. The only "duties" you have as BM is to show up on time for the wedding, relatively sober, in the agreed upon attire and good spirits, and stand there for pictures. It is not your duty to go broke on a party.

Did the MOHs discuss cost-splitting with you or other members of the BP before hand or did they just invoice you? Either way, it's rude to expect someone to subsidize a party you're hosting.
We had one meeting to discuss details. This consisted of the moh showing us everything she already bought, decor, invites, favors, etc.. And then deciding on food. She said we would split the food but never mentioned splitting the rest of the stuff. Then we get an email last week (2 weeks before the shower) saying each girl will owe $115 total plus needs to bring a 12 pack of beer, bag of ice, and a side dish.

So, this "simple" shower for 30 people is going to cost over $800 and that's not even for all the food and drink? I guess it depends on your circle, but that seems outrageous to me. So, she told you, not asked, but told you, that you'd all be splitting food costs, and then sprung the rest of it on you without gauging your budgets. I'd call her on it. Tell her you can't afford all of that and she didn't check to see if you could before she went and bought everything. There's no reason to dig yourself into a financial hole over a party.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

pinupbride6189 said:

Knottie22105860 said:

This is not ok. The MOHs are the ones hosting the shower, so they are the ones that should be paying for it. If all of the BMs were co-hosting, that would be one thing, but it doesn't sound like the case. The only "duties" you have as BM is to show up on time for the wedding, relatively sober, in the agreed upon attire and good spirits, and stand there for pictures. It is not your duty to go broke on a party.

Did the MOHs discuss cost-splitting with you or other members of the BP before hand or did they just invoice you? Either way, it's rude to expect someone to subsidize a party you're hosting.

We had one meeting to discuss details. This consisted of the moh showing us everything she already bought, decor, invites, favors, etc.. And then deciding on food. She said we would split the food but never mentioned splitting the rest of the stuff. Then we get an email last week (2 weeks before the shower) saying each girl will owe $115 total plus needs to bring a 12 pack of beer, bag of ice, and a side dish.

So, this "simple" shower for 30 people is going to cost over $800 and that's not even for all the food and drink? I guess it depends on your circle, but that seems outrageous to me. So, she told you, not asked, but told you, that you'd all be splitting food costs, and then sprung the rest of it on you without gauging your budgets. I'd call her on it. Tell her you can't afford all of that and she didn't check to see if you could before she went and bought everything. There's no reason to dig yourself into a financial hole over a party.

The tricky part is that it's a mixed group of friends. I'm a work friend of the bride and the mohs are school friends so I barely know them. They may think it's cheap but I certainly do not. I had my bridal shower a few weeks ago and had about 55 people. It was in a rented hall with a full sit down Italian meal and it cost my mom and others less than $1000. That's double the people and a totally different meal. Plus my mom had it catered because that was her choice and she paid. For this shower, I would have manned the grill to save $100!

STARMOON44 · July 2015

I'd respond directly to the girl who sent the email "hey spendygirlname, I'm not able to contribute to the shower beyond the food I already agreed to bring. I wish you had discussed contributions and setting a budget before making those decisions on your own so I could have told you then what I can afford. see you at the shower, frugalgirl"

Sure she might be upset. But better that than you being broke!

southernbelle0915 · July 2015

STARMOON44 said:
I'd respond directly to the girl who sent the email "hey spendygirlname, I'm not able to contribute to the shower beyond the food I already agreed to bring. I wish you had discussed contributions and setting a budget before making those decisions on your own so I could have told you then what I can afford. see you at the shower, frugalgirl"

Sure she might be upset. But better that than you being broke!

Exactly this. Copy and paste these words.

AddieCake · July 2015

Yep. Agree with Starmoon. People have no right to plan parties and then invoice people for them later without having agreed to a dollar amount previously. You're probably not the only one feeling this way in the group.

kvruns · July 2015

an $800 shower for 35 people? What??

speakeasy14 · July 2015

This sounds exactly like a disaster of a wedding I was in a few years ago. My advice: tell whoever is asking for the money that you will only be able to give the $45 as planned and your side dish.

*side note* Since this sounds identical to the situation I was in, I can guarantee this won't be the last ridiculous request from this group. Stand your ground and make it clear what you can and cannot afford. They may run to the bride and start more problems, but it is better than you going broke.

Maggie0829 · July 2015

Yup, agree with starmoon. Tell her that you are only able to contribute what was agreed upon and nothing else.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

Thanks ladies! Now how do I go about saying this to her with the shower in less than a week without stirring the pot too much? And without making her think I'm a total bitch

Maggie0829 · July 2015

Knottie22105860 said:

Thanks ladies! Now how do I go about saying this to her with the shower in less than a week without stirring the pot too much? And without making her think I'm a total bitch

By basically writing word for word what Starmoon put in her post.

southernbelle0915 · July 2015

Knottie22105860 said:

Thanks ladies! Now how do I go about saying this to her with the shower in less than a week without stirring the pot too much? And without making her think I'm a total bitch

Copy and paste @STARMOON44's wording.

YOU are not the one stirring the pot, just FTR. She's the one trying to swindle money out of people for the elaborate shower she planned on everyone else's dime! You are not stirring the pot by stating a fact: "I can't afford that and I didn't agree to it, I'm sorry."

PrettyGirlLost · July 2015

Knottie22105860 said:

Thanks ladies! Now how do I go about saying this to her with the shower in less than a week without stirring the pot too much? And without making her think I'm a total bitch

1st, you respond to her exactly as Starmoon suggested.

2nd, you stop worrying about whether or not she will think you are stirring the pot or being a bitch. That's her shit to deal with.

The MOH *will* be pissy with you, but too fucking bad. She never should have been spending your money w/o your consent. If the MOH gets mad, let her be mad. Ignore her and carry on.

AddieCake · July 2015

Yes, what Starmoon said is perfect. Will there still be "backlash"? Possibly. But that's b/c she is a poor planner and will be mad that she got called on it. Too bad for her. She's in the wrong, not you.

banana468 · July 2015

Ditto the others.

If she pushes back then simply say, "I do wish you consulted me before this." What's done is done.

If other topics are brought up (like a bachelorette) simply advise what you can contribute up front.

Sometimes bridal parties resemble high school cliques. But after the wedding, I'd rather make srue that I'm not in debt due to the MOH spending my money without my consent.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

banana468 said:
Ditto the others.

If she pushes back then simply say, "I do wish you consulted me before this." What's done is done.

If other topics are brought up (like a bachelorette) simply advise what you can contribute up front.

Sometimes bridal parties resemble high school cliques. But after the wedding, I'd rather make srue that I'm not in debt due to the MOH spending my money without my consent.

The Bach is planned. $35 for tickets and $50 for hotel. Plus dinner and drinks. Not too bad but on top of the $115 for the shower I can't make it all work. I know I could decide not to attend the Bach party but that's not fair to the bride.

MandyMost · July 2015

Aside from responding almost word-for-word as written above, the only other thing you can do is make sure you don't show up to the party bragging about your brand now expensive shoes, and the fancy dinner you went to last night, and the extravagant vacation you're planning.

You are totally in your right to choose to spend your money however and wherever you want, and the MOH was totally wrong for not discussing the budget before just invoicing you. Nevertheless, right or wrong, it is very annoying when someone says "I can't afford that" to your face, and then turns around and brags about all the money they're spending on something else.

Not that you would do this, but it's worth mentioning it. My sis-in-law does this ALL the time and it drives me nuts.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

MandyMost said:
Aside from responding almost word-for-word as written above, the only other thing you can do is make sure you don't show up to the party bragging about your brand now expensive shoes, and the fancy dinner you went to last night, and the extravagant vacation you're planning.

You are totally in your right to choose to spend your money however and wherever you want, and the MOH was totally wrong for not discussing the budget before just invoicing you. Nevertheless, right or wrong, it is very annoying when someone says "I can't afford that" to your face, and then turns around and brags about all the money they're spending on something else.

Not that you would do this, but it's worth mentioning it. My sis-in-law does this ALL the time and it drives me nuts.

I wish I could afford new shoes! Haha I'm getting married in October so all my money is going towards my own wedding right now.. I'll definitely be careful about what I say though. Thank you!

[Deleted User] · July 2015

Knottie22105860 said:

Ditto the others.

If she pushes back then simply say, "I do wish you consulted me before this." What's done is done.

If other topics are brought up (like a bachelorette) simply advise what you can contribute up front.

Sometimes bridal parties resemble high school cliques. But after the wedding, I'd rather make srue that I'm not in debt due to the MOH spending my money without my consent.
The Bach is planned. $35 for tickets and $50 for hotel. Plus dinner and drinks. Not too bad but on top of the $115 for the shower I can't make it all work. I know I could decide not to attend the Bach party but that's not fair to the bride.

It's a party for the bride. The fact that you're not there isn't going to wreck the night for her. Or, honestly, if this were me, I'd go to dinner and the show, not drink or drink very little, and then head home to sleep in my own bed. I don't do group hotel rooms. I'm way too old for that shit. And you'll save $50 and not have to see people in their skivvies in the morning.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

adk19 said:

Knottie22105860 said:

banana468 said:
Ditto the others.

If she pushes back then simply say, "I do wish you consulted me before this." What's done is done.

If other topics are brought up (like a bachelorette) simply advise what you can contribute up front.

Sometimes bridal parties resemble high school cliques. But after the wedding, I'd rather make srue that I'm not in debt due to the MOH spending my money without my consent.
The Bach is planned. $35 for tickets and $50 for hotel. Plus dinner and drinks. Not too bad but on top of the $115 for the shower I can't make it all work. I know I could decide not to attend the Bach party but that's not fair to the bride.

It's a party for the bride. The fact that you're not there isn't going to wreck the night for her. Or, honestly, if this were me, I'd go to dinner and the show, not drink or drink very little, and then head home to sleep in my own bed. I don't do group hotel rooms. I'm way too old for that shit. And you'll save $50 and not have to see people in their skivvies in the morning.

It's far away and the bride already said she would be "upset" if I wasn't there (or any of the bms). Plus.. That's something I know where my money is going unlike the shower where I have no idea where the additional money is going.

Maggie0829 · July 2015

Knottie22105860 said:

Knottie22105860 said:

Ditto the others.

If she pushes back then simply say, "I do wish you consulted me before this." What's done is done.

If other topics are brought up (like a bachelorette) simply advise what you can contribute up front.

Sometimes bridal parties resemble high school cliques. But after the wedding, I'd rather make srue that I'm not in debt due to the MOH spending my money without my consent.
The Bach is planned. $35 for tickets and $50 for hotel. Plus dinner and drinks. Not too bad but on top of the $115 for the shower I can't make it all work. I know I could decide not to attend the Bach party but that's not fair to the bride.

It's a party for the bride. The fact that you're not there isn't going to wreck the night for her. Or, honestly, if this were me, I'd go to dinner and the show, not drink or drink very little, and then head home to sleep in my own bed. I don't do group hotel rooms. I'm way too old for that shit. And you'll save $50 and not have to see people in their skivvies in the morning.
It's far away and the bride already said she would be "upset" if I wasn't there (or any of the bms). Plus.. That's something I know where my money is going unlike the shower where I have no idea where the additional money is going.

Nothing like pressuring you into going even if you (or another BM) doesn't want to/can't go.

charlotte989875 · July 2015

MandyMost said:

Aside from responding almost word-for-word as written above, the only other thing you can do is make sure you don't show up to the party bragging about your brand now expensive shoes, and the fancy dinner you went to last night, and the extravagant vacation you're planning.

You are totally in your right to choose to spend your money however and wherever you want, and the MOH was totally wrong for not discussing the budget before just invoicing you. Nevertheless, right or wrong, it is very annoying when someone says "I can't afford that" to your face, and then turns around and brags about all the money they're spending on something else.

Not that you would do this, but it's worth mentioning it. My sis-in-law does this ALL the time and it drives me nuts.

So, I definitely see how this is super annoying, but I kind of disagree that it's something you should be judged about (besides bringing these things up weirdly at a shower). You don't know if someone got the shoes as a gift, had a GC to the restaurant, are planning their first vacation with your spouse, SO, etc., etc. I guess I feel like it's super rude to ask/tell people how to spend their money and invoice the OP for a shower she didn't have a say in and at the same time, I think it's rude to judge someone for having new shoes/going out to dinner/planning a vacation. Maybe they've been saving and wanted those things, and having someone spring a $110+ shower invoice wasn't in their budget plans.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

charlotte989875 said:

MandyMost said:

Aside from responding almost word-for-word as written above, the only other thing you can do is make sure you don't show up to the party bragging about your brand now expensive shoes, and the fancy dinner you went to last night, and the extravagant vacation you're planning.

You are totally in your right to choose to spend your money however and wherever you want, and the MOH was totally wrong for not discussing the budget before just invoicing you. Nevertheless, right or wrong, it is very annoying when someone says "I can't afford that" to your face, and then turns around and brags about all the money they're spending on something else.

Not that you would do this, but it's worth mentioning it. My sis-in-law does this ALL the time and it drives me nuts.

So, I definitely see how this is super annoying, but I kind of disagree that it's something you should be judged about (besides bringing these things up weirdly at a shower). You don't know if someone got the shoes as a gift, had a GC to the restaurant, are planning their first vacation with your spouse, SO, etc., etc. I guess I feel like it's super rude to ask/tell people how to spend their money and invoice the OP for a shower she didn't have a say in and at the same time, I think it's rude to judge someone for having new shoes/going out to dinner/planning a vacation. Maybe they've been saving and wanted those things, and having someone spring a $110+ shower invoice wasn't in their budget plans.

I think they should absolutely be judged if They are planning their first vacation with Your spouse. Homewrecker. (Sorry, grammar nerd in me caught that and I had to comment.)

charlotte989875 · July 2015

Ha. Long day at work. Not enough coffee. Yes, judge away about that!

SP29 · July 2015

Agree with all the above. Tell the MOH exactly what Starmoon said.

MOH is in the wrong, not you. No one should tell anyone else how to spend their money (even if they are filthy rich) or expect others to cover the cost of a party THEY are hosting.

MOH may be snippy, but stick to your guns and repeat, "I am sorry but you did not discuss these extra costs prior to purchasing and the additional expenses are not in my budget".

huskypuppy14 · July 2015

My sister had to do pretty much say the same thing Starmoon said when she was in her friend's wedding last year. The MOH planned a bridal shower and invoiced the bridal party. My sister wasn't even consulted on the date, and couldn't go because it was the same day as my bridal shower. She said, I'm not paying for a shower I wasn't involved in planning.

Also, I've planned 2 showers, and they were each about 30 people and fully catered at a restaurant. The cost for catering/restaurant/food was about 800 each, so I have no idea what this 800 dollars is going towards if you still have to bring food too!

[Deleted User] · July 2015

huskypuppy14 said:
My sister had to do pretty much say the same thing Starmoon said when she was in her friend's wedding last year. The MOH planned a bridal shower and invoiced the bridal party. My sister wasn't even consulted on the date, and couldn't go because it was the same day as my bridal shower. She said, I'm not paying for a shower I wasn't involved in planning.

Also, I've planned 2 showers, and they were each about 30 people and fully catered at a restaurant. The cost for catering/restaurant/food was about 800 each, so I have no idea what this 800 dollars is going towards if you still have to bring food too!

My thoughts exacttly! It's insane! And the worst part is that I honestly don't know where the money is going because all she said was its going to the rest of the cost.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

Knottie22105860 said:

huskypuppy14 said:
My sister had to do pretty much say the same thing Starmoon said when she was in her friend's wedding last year. The MOH planned a bridal shower and invoiced the bridal party. My sister wasn't even consulted on the date, and couldn't go because it was the same day as my bridal shower. She said, I'm not paying for a shower I wasn't involved in planning.

Also, I've planned 2 showers, and they were each about 30 people and fully catered at a restaurant. The cost for catering/restaurant/food was about 800 each, so I have no idea what this 800 dollars is going towards if you still have to bring food too!

My thoughts exacttly! It's insane! And the worst part is that I honestly don't know where the money is going because all she said was its going to the rest of the cost.

My shower was over 50 people in a rented Hall with a nice catered meal and it was still only $1000

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