How to respectfully decline yarmulke at wedding?

WildFlower2350 · December 2015

My husband and I are Catholic and will be attending a Jewish wedding (first time). I understand they traditionally offer a yarmulke for the male guests to wear. How or what is a polite way for my husband to decline this? The ceremony is not in a synagogue.

sparklepants41 · December 2015

WildFlower2350 said:

My husband and I are Catholic and will be attending a Jewish wedding (first time). I understand they traditionally offer a yarmulke for the male guests to wear. How or what is a polite way for my husband to decline this? The ceremony is not in a synagogue.

Just a question - do you need to decline it? Close friends of H & I got married a few years ago at an estate. She is Catholic and flew her family priest down to officiate the wedding, and he is Jewish and had his family's rabbi officiate as well. On the way into the ceremony the bride's priest took a yarmulke out of respect.

I'm hoping others weigh in, but I think there is a way your husband can take a yarmulke out of respect, but not wear it.

WildFlower2350 · December 2015

Good point. I guess that makes sense. I didn't know if it was disrespectful to take it and then put it in your pocket ??? Just didn't know if a simple "no thank you" would be appropriate?

banana468 · December 2015

I'm curious: Is there a reason you want to decline? My understanding is that the wearing of a yarmulke or kippot is out of respect just like in a Catholic church, there may be head coverings for the women and possibly no exposed shoulders.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

My 30 second google search on yarmulkes said that it is a sign of respect towards God. As Catholics, why would you have objection to that? Honestly curious. Not asking to get into a religious debate. Just wondering why it would be important to decline one.

Jen4948 · December 2015

WildFlower2350 said:
Good point. I guess that makes sense. I didn't know if it was disrespectful to take it and then put it in your pocket ??? Just didn't know if a simple "no thank you" would be appropriate?

The only appropriate way to decline is to be wearing a hat of your own.

All males, regardless of what their own religious faith is, are expected to cover their heads in the sanctuary of a synagogue or at Jewish events. The only other respectful option is not to attend.

Sorry.

That said, unless the ceremony is Orthodox, probably nothing will be said to him if he does not cover his head. But an uncovered head will be seen as disrespectful of the Jewish faith.

MegEn1 · December 2015

I sort of look at it like going into a Buddhist temple and taking off your shoes. Buddhist or not it's the respectful thing to do. For Jews, going into the sanctuary means covering your head in some way.

LondonLisa · December 2015

WildFlower2350 said:

Good point. I guess that makes sense. I didn't know if it was disrespectful to take it and then put it in your pocket ??? Just didn't know if a simple "no thank you" would be appropriate?

Why would you not wear it? It is just a symbol of respect during Jewish rites. There are thousands of examples of non-Jews wearing them during Jewish services (it doesn't interfere at all with your Catholicism). As it is a symbol of respect, I don't think you could decline it without making it into a big thing.

Even Queen Elizabeth, the head of the Anglican Church, removed her shoes when visiting a Sikh temple:

Image: http://www.cs.columbia.edu/~sable/research/photos/cn23002.jpg

WildFlower2350 · December 2015

Interesting. I looked it up elsewhere and saw in articles written by men of the Jewish faith stating it was not seen as disrespectful. I was curious to see what folks had to say here. As mentioned, it's not at a temple, though I realize it is a Jewish event as someone previously mentioned. My husband and I are Catholic and our Jewish friends attended our wedding mass at a Catholic Church but did not "participate" in the religious elements of the mass. I didn't see that as disrespectful. Many of the men at my sister in laws wedding to a Jewish man opted not to wear the yarmulke either. Thanks for weighing in everyone. Much appreciated.

MegEn1 · December 2015

WildFlower2350 said:

Interesting. I looked it up elsewhere and saw in articles written by men of the Jewish faith stating it was not seen as disrespectful. I was curious to see what folks had to say here. As mentioned, it's not at a temple, though I realize it is a Jewish event as someone previously mentioned. My husband and I are Catholic and our Jewish friends attended our wedding mass at a Catholic Church but did not "participate" in the religious elements of the mass. I didn't see that as disrespectful. Many of the men at my sister in laws wedding to a Jewish man opted not to wear the yarmulke either. Thanks for weighing in everyone. Much appreciated.

It's different than taking the eucharist for example, because to do that you have to be a fully initiated before taking communion (religious part of the service) while any man in the sanctuary should have their head covered, no matter if they're participating in any part of the religious service or not.

That said, if it makes you uncomfortable for some reason and this wedding isn't in the sanctuary I think you should be fine not to wear it. Ours was an outdoor wedding and a lot of non-Jewish men didn't wear them even though we provided them.

Though someone might need to jump in and correct me that for a ceremony in a non-sanctuary it doesn't matter. It might and I just might not know any better.

lyndausvi · December 2015

If a Catholic Priest enters a temple he would put on a yarmulke. A CATHOLIC PRIEST, now I ask, why would it be wrong for an "ordinary" Catholic to wear one because they are Catholic?

It's a sign of respect, I think he needs to suck it up and wear one. If he really doesn't then head on over to a non-baseball hat store and buy a hat.

ETA - Jewish friend didn't participate in mass - you are comparing apples and oranges. Wearing a yarmulke is the like woman wearing a pashmina because the church requires shoulders to be covered. Or taking off your shoes entering a Buddhist temple.

sparklepants41 · December 2015

lyndausvi said:

If a Catholic Priest enters a temple he would put on a yarmulke. A CATHOLIC PRIEST, now I ask, why would it be wrong for an "ordinary" Catholic refuse to wear one because they are Catholic?

It's a sign of respect, I think he needs to suck it up and wear one. If he really doesn't then head on over to a non-baseball hat store and buy a hat.

ETA - Jewish friend didn't participate in mass - you are comparing apples and oranges. Wearing a yarmulke is the like woman wearing a pashmina because the church requires shoulders to be covered. Or taking off your shoes entering a Buddhist temple.

EXACTLY THIS. My friend's priest wore a yarmulke during her wedding ceremony - which was neither in a temple nor a church.

climbingsingle · December 2015

My H and I were raised Catholic but my H has a step-family that is Jewish. At every Jewish event we attend at their temple, my H wears a yarmulke and I wear the provided head/hair covering for married women. It's required at their temple, and it shows respect. I would never refuse to wear it. I really don't see what the big deal is to put one on.

OliveOilsMom · December 2015

WildFlower2350 said:

Interesting. I looked it up elsewhere and saw in articles written by men of the Jewish faith stating it was not seen as disrespectful. I was curious to see what folks had to say here. As mentioned, it's not at a temple, though I realize it is a Jewish event as someone previously mentioned. My husband and I are Catholic and our Jewish friends attended our wedding mass at a Catholic Church but did not "participate" in the religious elements of the mass. I didn't see that as disrespectful. Many of the men at my sister in laws wedding to a Jewish man opted not to wear the yarmulke either. Thanks for weighing in everyone. Much appreciated.

But, did your Jewish friends stand and sit when appropriate? Or did they just sit there the whole time not doing anything? Them sitting or standing was them respecting your faith. I have no problems with non-Catholics choosing not to kneel. They don't believe in the Eucharist like we do, so no need to kneel.

When I have attended my friends' kids baptisms in a different faith, H & I always stand and sit when everyone else does. We don't actively participate by signing or praying, but we respect their religion and we show that by sitting and standing when appropriate.

I also equate wearing a yarmulke to be the same as standing for another countries national anthem. You are just showing that you respect that country, by standing. It does not mean that you are throwing out your allegiance to your own country.

lembaslover · December 2015

I agree with PP the respectful thing to do is to just accept it and wear it. It's not saying that you are turning your back on your God or converting to Judaism, you're just being respectful. I'm not religious but when my parents pray before meals I bow my head and sit quietly during it out of respect. When I enter someone's house I take off my shoes unless I'm told not to out of respect. This is no different and shouldn't be seen as an offense to your husband to wear one.

holyguacamole79 · December 2015

As a Catholic, I agree with PPs.

Here's an answer from a Catholic apologist on Catholic Answers regarding this:

"A kippah, for those who don't know, is a Jewish skullcap and is also known as a yarmulke. If a Catholic has just reason to wear a kippah -- such as visiting a synagogue that requires men to wear one while on the premises -- then certainly he may do so. But otherwise a Catholic should not presume to co-opt the traditions and customs of non-Christians when there is not just reason to do so." http://forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=493362

OP, I think a fair comparison would be if a Jewish friend were attending a Catholic wedding and didn't want to stand up during the Gospel. It would be disrespectful.

wink0erin · December 2015

PPs have it covered. He should wear it out of respect if it is handed to him. That's not something you say "no thanks" to.

Jen4948 · December 2015

MegEn1 said:

WildFlower2350 said:

Interesting. I looked it up elsewhere and saw in articles written by men of the Jewish faith stating it was not seen as disrespectful. I was curious to see what folks had to say here. As mentioned, it's not at a temple, though I realize it is a Jewish event as someone previously mentioned. My husband and I are Catholic and our Jewish friends attended our wedding mass at a Catholic Church but did not "participate" in the religious elements of the mass. I didn't see that as disrespectful. Many of the men at my sister in laws wedding to a Jewish man opted not to wear the yarmulke either. Thanks for weighing in everyone. Much appreciated.

It's different than taking the eucharist for example, because to do that you have to be a fully initiated before taking communion (religious part of the service) while any man in the sanctuary should have their head covered, no matter if they're participating in any part of the religious service or not.

That said, if it makes you uncomfortable for some reason and this wedding isn't in the sanctuary I think you should be fine not to wear it. Ours was an outdoor wedding and a lot of non-Jewish men didn't wear them even though we provided them.

Though someone might need to jump in and correct me that for a ceremony in a non-sanctuary it doesn't matter. It might and I just might not know any better.

The mass and wearing a yarmulke are two different things. The Mass is restricted to Catholics and some other religions. There's no "opt-in" for anyone else, such as Jews. Whereas, the rules about covered heads at synagogues and Jewish events apply to all males; that is, there's no "opt-out."

Heffalump · December 2015

This is definitely more about respect than your own religious practices. I'm not religious. When people bow their heads in prayer, for a blessing before a meal or whatever, I bow my head, too. I don't pray, but I'm respectful of those who do. To me, that's exactly what this is.

holyguacamole79 · December 2015

Jen4948 said:

WildFlower2350 said:

Interesting. I looked it up elsewhere and saw in articles written by men of the Jewish faith stating it was not seen as disrespectful. I was curious to see what folks had to say here. As mentioned, it's not at a temple, though I realize it is a Jewish event as someone previously mentioned. My husband and I are Catholic and our Jewish friends attended our wedding mass at a Catholic Church but did not "participate" in the religious elements of the mass. I didn't see that as disrespectful. Many of the men at my sister in laws wedding to a Jewish man opted not to wear the yarmulke either. Thanks for weighing in everyone. Much appreciated.

It's different than taking the eucharist for example, because to do that you have to be a fully initiated before taking communion (religious part of the service) while any man in the sanctuary should have their head covered, no matter if they're participating in any part of the religious service or not.

That said, if it makes you uncomfortable for some reason and this wedding isn't in the sanctuary I think you should be fine not to wear it. Ours was an outdoor wedding and a lot of non-Jewish men didn't wear them even though we provided them.

Though someone might need to jump in and correct me that for a ceremony in a non-sanctuary it doesn't matter. It might and I just might not know any better.
The mass and wearing a yarmulke are two different things. The Mass is restricted to Catholics and some other religions. There's no "opt-in" for anyone else, such as Jews. Whereas, the rules about covered heads at synagogues and Jewish events apply to all males; that is, there's no "opt-out."

Just to clarify, only the Eucharist is reserved for Catholics and Orthodox Christians. Jews, Buddhists, Atheists, or anyone else is welcome to attend Mass. They can sing, exchange the sign of peace, sit, stand, kneel ... it is just not appropriate for them to receive the Eucharist.

lyndausvi · December 2015

If your FI is such a strong Catholic then I suggest asking your parish priest what to do. From everything I know they will say wear the yarmulke. Maybe that will ease his mind.

MrsMack10612 · December 2015

holyguacamole79 said:

Jen4948 said:

WildFlower2350 said:

Interesting. I looked it up elsewhere and saw in articles written by men of the Jewish faith stating it was not seen as disrespectful. I was curious to see what folks had to say here. As mentioned, it's not at a temple, though I realize it is a Jewish event as someone previously mentioned. My husband and I are Catholic and our Jewish friends attended our wedding mass at a Catholic Church but did not "participate" in the religious elements of the mass. I didn't see that as disrespectful. Many of the men at my sister in laws wedding to a Jewish man opted not to wear the yarmulke either. Thanks for weighing in everyone. Much appreciated.

It's different than taking the eucharist for example, because to do that you have to be a fully initiated before taking communion (religious part of the service) while any man in the sanctuary should have their head covered, no matter if they're participating in any part of the religious service or not.

That said, if it makes you uncomfortable for some reason and this wedding isn't in the sanctuary I think you should be fine not to wear it. Ours was an outdoor wedding and a lot of non-Jewish men didn't wear them even though we provided them.

Though someone might need to jump in and correct me that for a ceremony in a non-sanctuary it doesn't matter. It might and I just might not know any better.
The mass and wearing a yarmulke are two different things. The Mass is restricted to Catholics and some other religions. There's no "opt-in" for anyone else, such as Jews. Whereas, the rules about covered heads at synagogues and Jewish events apply to all males; that is, there's no "opt-out."

Just to clarify, only the Eucharist is reserved for Catholics and Orthodox Christians. Jews, Buddhists, Atheists, or anyone else is welcome to attend Mass. They can sing, exchange the sign of peace, sit, stand, kneel ... it is just not appropriate for them to receive the Eucharist.

STUCKINBOX

Some Protestant Christians also serve communion and though all are welcome to partake (we view it differently, though no less solemnly as Catholics), I would not feel comfortable partaking in a church that was not my own.

As a non-Catholic, that was married Catholic, I made an effort to be respectful of all the faith as I prepared for my marriage (and during the ceremony). I have also attended several Catholic masses. I do stand/sit as necessary, but I do not kneel (I do bow my head respectfully) nor partake of the Eucharist.

Jen4948 · December 2015

holyguacamole79 said:

Jen4948 said:

MegEn1 said:

WildFlower2350 said:

Interesting. I looked it up elsewhere and saw in articles written by men of the Jewish faith stating it was not seen as disrespectful. I was curious to see what folks had to say here. As mentioned, it's not at a temple, though I realize it is a Jewish event as someone previously mentioned. My husband and I are Catholic and our Jewish friends attended our wedding mass at a Catholic Church but did not "participate" in the religious elements of the mass. I didn't see that as disrespectful. Many of the men at my sister in laws wedding to a Jewish man opted not to wear the yarmulke either. Thanks for weighing in everyone. Much appreciated.

It's different than taking the eucharist for example, because to do that you have to be a fully initiated before taking communion (religious part of the service) while any man in the sanctuary should have their head covered, no matter if they're participating in any part of the religious service or not.

That said, if it makes you uncomfortable for some reason and this wedding isn't in the sanctuary I think you should be fine not to wear it. Ours was an outdoor wedding and a lot of non-Jewish men didn't wear them even though we provided them.

Though someone might need to jump in and correct me that for a ceremony in a non-sanctuary it doesn't matter. It might and I just might not know any better.
The mass and wearing a yarmulke are two different things. The Mass is restricted to Catholics and some other religions. There's no "opt-in" for anyone else, such as Jews. Whereas, the rules about covered heads at synagogues and Jewish events apply to all males; that is, there's no "opt-out."

Just to clarify, only the Eucharist is reserved for Catholics and Orthodox Christians. Jews, Buddhists, Atheists, or anyone else is welcome to attend Mass. They can sing, exchange the sign of peace, sit, stand, kneel ... it is just not appropriate for them to receive the Eucharist.

Ok, thanks for clarifying.

But my point is that when attending a wedding in another religion, you need to be respectful of the rules of the other religion, whether that's covering your head, not taking the Eucharist, removing your shoes, or whatever the rule in question is.

At a Jewish wedding, if you're male, you are expected to cover your head. If you don't want to accept a yarmulke, then you need to wear your own hat. But expecting to go bareheaded would be disrespectful to Judaism.

banana468 · December 2015

Ditto the others that if he's conflicted he can ask a priest. But as others said, I think not wearing the head covering is comparable to entering a Catholic church wearing inappropriate clothing.

TrixieJess · December 2015

PPs have it covered.

Just an aside, I was raised agnostic. My father coached basketball in a largely Jewish area, oftentimes he and my mother went to events where they were asked to cover their heads. It had nothing to do with religious belief but respect for the environment and sanctimony of the event.

LD1970 · December 2015

I'm Jewish. My husband is atheist-raised-Catholic. He and I have been to a slew of my friends' kids' bar/bat mitzvahs. He does not wear a kippah. "No thank you" is FINE unless it's an orthodox shul.

By the way, when in church for something, I'll stand and sit with anyone else, but will not ever kneel.

Jen4948 · December 2015

LD1970 said:

I'm Jewish. My husband is atheist-raised-Catholic husband and I have been to a slew of my friends' kids' bar/bat mitzvahs. He does not wear a kippah. "No thank you" is FINE unless it's an orthodox shul.
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By the way, when in church for something, I'll stand and sit with anyone else, but will not ever kneel.

Actually, it's not "FINE." It's just that no one says anything to him.

Probably no one ever will interrupt a service to ask someone to cover their head. But choosing not to follow the rules, knowing what the rules are, is a deliberate gesture of disrespect.

STARMOON44 · December 2015

I'm surprised people are taking such a hard line on this. I attend Jewish weddings often and there are usually at least a handful of men not wearing a kippah, and my Jewish friends all say it's totally fine (none of them are Orthodox). I'd say "no thanks" or just not taking one would be fine.

I also find it interesting that a couple people have mentioned that some Catholic Churches provide head coverings and shawls for women. I have no problem covering my shoulders and boobs, but would decline a head covering if offered.

banana468 · December 2015

STARMOON44 said:

I'm surprised people are taking such a hard line on this. I attend Jewish weddings often and there are usually at least a handful of men not wearing a kippah, and my Jewish friends all say it's totally fine (none of them are Orthodox). I'd say "no thanks" or just not taking one would be fine. I also find it interesting that a couple people have mentioned that some Catholic Churches provide head coverings and shawls for women. I have no problem covering my shoulders and boobs, but would decline a head covering if offered.

I'm thinking that this is a "when in Rome" thing as well as a respect thing. My Catholic parish does not provide head coverings for women. We are a bit more relaxed with attire in the summer (our town population swells in the summer with cottage dwellers) so shorts are rather common.

However, the attire that is permissible in the parish isn't permissible in many European churches especially if you intend to travel to Vatican City. There you'll actually be turned away if you don't follow the rules.

holyguacamole79 · December 2015

banana468 said:

STARMOON44 said:

I'm surprised people are taking such a hard line on this. I attend Jewish weddings often and there are usually at least a handful of men not wearing a kippah, and my Jewish friends all say it's totally fine (none of them are Orthodox). I'd say "no thanks" or just not taking one would be fine. I also find it interesting that a couple people have mentioned that some Catholic Churches provide head coverings and shawls for women. I have no problem covering my shoulders and boobs, but would decline a head covering if offered.

I'm thinking that this is a "when in Rome" thing as well as a respect thing. My Catholic parish does not provide head coverings for women. We are a bit more relaxed with attire in the summer (our town population swells in the summer with cottage dwellers) so shorts are rather common.

However, the attire that is permissible in the parish isn't permissible in many European churches especially if you intend to travel to Vatican City. There you'll actually be turned away if you don't follow the rules.

Yep.

When I was in Turkey visiting the house of the Virgin Mary, they had a basket of shawls before you entered. If your shoulders or knees were bare, you would have to cover them or you were not permitted to enter.

PrettyGirlLost · December 2015

LD1970 said:

I'm Jewish. My husband is atheist-raised-Catholic husband and I have been to a slew of my friends' kids' bar/bat mitzvahs. He does not wear a kippah. "No thank you" is FINE unless it's an orthodox shul.

By the way, when in church for something, I'll stand and sit with anyone else, but will not ever kneel.

Just curious, but why is that the line? What's the difference between standing out of respect for the service and kneeling? It's not like you are going up to take the Eucharist.

How to respectfully decline yarmulke at wedding?

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