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Help with a bridesmaid that has DEEPLY hurt me...

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Re: Help with a bridesmaid that has DEEPLY hurt me...

  • 150-dress
    150-bach
    50- alterations
    50- any little extras needed (shoes, bra etc)
    100- hair& makeup
    50-transportaion/ extras for bach party
    50- gift (not that a gift is ever necessary, but as a BM, I'd feel obligated)
    25- shower things (even paper, pencil, and sharpener cost something)

    150+150+50+50+100+50+50+25= $625 more than likely minimum for your BM, not to mention if they are OOT or you are all staying in a hotel the night before.  You've forgotten to take into account the other small things that need to fall into place to make it happen.

    What we have here is a failure to communicate AND do math.  If this is bothering you that much (since you are considering a friendship ending move), you both NEED to make it a priority to speak IN PERSON OR ON THE PHONE.  If these women are important enough to be in your BP, they are deserving enough of a phone call, and for you to accommodate their schedule to make it happen.

    If they want to go and have their hair done at another salon, let them. If they want to do it on their own, let them.  Doing the get ready thing is not a big deal.  It's not going to make you any less married. 
    PrettyGirlLost
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    I am late to this party and PPs have covered almost everything.

    My question is why did you (the OP) feel the need to show your text conversation with your BM to all the other people in the wedding party?  This is a prime example of you begging for drama.

    My second observation is I don't understand why you are pissed about the hair and MU. You claim it was optional. So BMs picked another place. I get that you want them around for breakfast, but you cant require that. The BM ARE required to show up when pictures start, and no earlier.

    BabyFruit Ticker
    MyNameIsNotInLoveInQueensOliveOilsMomcowgirl8238
  • OP, I know you have told us the costs and many of these things were discussed with your BMs ahead of time.  For the purpose of my comment, I am going to assume that is true and every single cost was crystal clear and understood by all of them.

    But, with a cooler head, read your friend's side of the texts.  Almost the ENTIRE GIST of it is that she feels financially put-upon.  She has clearly and honestly (but not rudely) stated the items/costs that she is uncomfortable with and can't afford.  Whether that is "can't afford" because she would rather put a down payment on a mink coat or "can't afford" so she can put food on her table is irrelevant.  Her budget is her budget and she has told you what she can/can't afford.

    As for getting ready the morning of, although you've said you've never told the BMs it was mandatory they get their hair/make-up with your stylist, but then you are also hugely disappointed that they chose to go with a cheaper option.

    I understand you want to hang out with them in the morning.  Some people don't like that, but I find it fun also.  But they obviously don't want to use your stylist because of the cost.  There are a lot of ways you can treat this.  You can pay for all their hair yourself.  You can cancel with your stylist and go join them where they are going (especially since it sounds like they are all going to the same place).  Or you can go hang out with them while they get ready and use your stylist either before or after.  At least those are the options I thought of, off the top of my head.

    Of course, this is personal choice, but I would NEVER spend $100 for hair or make-up as a BM.  Even when I got married, I did my make-up myself and paid $150 for my hair.  And was sorry I spent that money, after the fact. 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    guilletskichuk
  • I wanted to add, maybe you'd be better off if this particular BM is NOT able to attend shower/bach/early morning hair and makeup with you, since you don't seem to have a great relationship to her.  If she's not there, you don't have to worry about annoying you, or "getting her lines crossed" and being "rude" to you.  You can relax and enjoy the time with your mom and the girls who are able to make these events, whom you presumably are closer to, and "rude" BM can join you right before the ceremony or pictures, whichever come first.  You'll hardly have to interact with her at all on your wedding day, and you can let the friendship dissipate on its own after the wedding without being the "bad guy."  Just let her know where and when, and don't worry about it anymore.  If she shows up to any pre-wedding events, maybe you can have a face-to-face conversation to clear up all these misunderstandings you have with her.  
    [Deleted User]
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    KatWAG said:

    I am late to this party and PPs have covered almost everything.

    My question is why did you (the OP) feel the need to show your text conversation with your BM to all the other people in the wedding party?  This is a prime example of you begging for drama.

    Begging?  That was outright creation of drama, and it was immature and unnecessary.

    My second observation is I don't understand why you are pissed about the hair and MU. You claim it was optional. So BMs picked another place. I get that you want them around for breakfast, but you cant require that. The BM ARE required to show up when pictures start, and no earlier.



    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • I think the part that is really upsetting is that all the girls are going together to the other salon and basically leaving the bride out. I know if all my brides maids went somewhere else together on my wedding day I would be sad too. 

    The rest to me is texting! these conversations need to be had in person. Texting leaves way to much to interpretation and can create some really big problems.
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think the part that is really upsetting is that all the girls are going together to the other salon and basically leaving the bride out. I know if all my brides maids went somewhere else together on my wedding day I would be sad too. 

    The rest to me is texting! these conversations need to be had in person. Texting leaves way to much to interpretation and can create some really big problems.
    If the bride wanted all her bridesmaids to get their hair done together at a specific salon then she can pay for it. These bridesmaids aren't doing it to leave the bride out, they're doing it because they can afford place A but not place B (where the bride booked them). The bride can change her appointment to join them if getting their hair done together is so important. Or pay for the salon of her choosing since it's obviously not optional despite OP insisting that it is.

    OP is out of line, it's one thing to be disappointed but she's the cause of these issues and isn't accepting blame and is trying to make her bridesmaids look like the bad guys.

    This.  I, too, wanted to spend the morning with all of my BMs.  So I paid for everyone to get their hair done.  I specifically budgeted for it.  I was also able to get a MUA if a certain number of ladies wanted to get it done.  I told them the price is x for makeup and I need a minimum of 4 people.  Let me know privately if this is ok and majority rules.  Enough ladies wanted the MUA that she did come with the hair stylists.  I had already planned on getting airbrush MU, so I just went out early and was the first appointment of the day at a salon where they had airbrushing.  I then went back to my house and met the hair stylists and the MUA, where we all finished getting ready.
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I think the part that is really upsetting is that all the girls are going together to the other salon and basically leaving the bride out. I know if all my brides maids went somewhere else together on my wedding day I would be sad too. 

    The rest to me is texting! these conversations need to be had in person. Texting leaves way to much to interpretation and can create some really big problems.
    Why?  They are just getting their hair done.  I presume you get your hair done alone all the time, so why do you need an entourage the day of your wedding?  You actually don't.  "Getting ready together" is actually not the bonding experience everyone thinks it is, and I say this having been a BM like 10+ times.  I got ready all by myself when I go married and it was so relaxing and fantastic!

    I have a cousin who is a hair dresser and a few years ago he told me about one of the most stressful bridal appointments he has ever had- He and his assistants were styling a bride, both mothers, and 6 BMs and Everyone had an opinion on Everything and they were all squawking and stressing the bride out the entire time.  He said the lot of them drove all the stylists nuts. 


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • thefanciestbecklerthefanciestbeckler Chattanooga, TN member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    I got my hair done by myself for my wedding. It was fine. Then I went to the venue to do my makeup and hang out with the BM's while they did their makeup. We had food and drinks and had a great time together without getting our hair done all together.

  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    of my 9 BM's 7 of them got their hair done at the same place as I did.   Now just because we all got it done at the same place did NOT mean we were all together.  Some of them were there a good 3 hours before I was.   They left to go back to the house before I was finished.   A few were getting their's done while I was, but they were across the room on in another area.

    Sure it doesn't happen outside of hollywood, but for the most part you are all not getting worked on at the same time anyway.  Someone is getting hair while another is in the makeup room.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Definitely late to the party, but if my BMs decided to go to a different place I would just go with them...what's the big deal about everyone going to whatever SPECIFIC salon that OP chose? Even if it was agreed upon months before, it obviously isn't agreed upon now.


    I haven't checked the forums for a week or 2. It seems like a lot of crazies have popped up.
    InLoveInQueenskimmiinthemittenspockforprezthatpreppynerd
  • Wow. I have asked my girls for their input for everything as they did with their weddings. A miscommunication between friends doesn't mean you berate them. That was my only point.
    I don't understand where you were "berated" in the conversation you posted. You need to attempt to read that conversation out of your own personal context/high emotions. 
    SP29
  • Also totally late to the party. If I had to do it again, I would've done my hair & makeup solo. It's the last bit of silence I'd get for the day. And, unless they are 12, can you please stop calling them girls?
    I did get my hair done solo, and it was wonderful:)
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