Refusing a Plus 1?

PamBeesly524 · March 2016

delena76 said:

madamerwin said:

delena76 said:

adk19 said:

delena76 said:

Uuughhh here we go with this again. OP: you can do what you want. If you don't want to invite someone's SO, then don't. WHO IS PAYING FOR THE WEDDING? You or them? This is exactly how people end up in weddings they cannot afford and the ONLY person left feeling like sh*t is guess who? YOU and your husband when it's time to look at your drained bank account.

I'm actually surprised you gave in and sent an invite to someone who you haven't seen in 3 years. I'm a bit of a tough cookie so my response would have been something like this: "I was hesitant on inviting you to begin with because we haven't been in touch for 3 years. You bothered one of my bridesmaids about whether or not you were getting an invite which put her in an uncomfortable situation and I'm NOT cool with that. Now you want to take advantage of me extending an invite to you on MY special day by telling me you're bringing a guest? You now have a choice: come alone or don't come at all."

Let me tell you something, I'll knock down a guest list real quick! No one is going to have me and my FH arguing over finances the day after our wedding because people were there we didn't really want to be there to begin with! Remember: this person is going to be in wedding photos! Do you REALLY want to see her face in them for all of eternity?

You're wrong. Not inviting a guest's Significant Other is basically the worst thing you can do to your guests. Do you even like your guests? They're supposed to be your closest friends and family. Why would you want to treat them like shit? If you don't want to invite Bob because he skeeves you out, don't invite his wife Mary. Done. But you can't invite Mary and tell her to leave Bob home alone. If you don't like people, you don't have to invite anyone. Save ALL your money by not having a party. You don't like anyone anyway.

YOUR OPINION that I'm wrong doesn't make it fact my dear. Guess what? I'm NOT wrong because it's MY wedding and MY rules. If I can't afford to invite the SO who I have never met before, they're not getting invited - IF I have the room and the funds then they can come. Go ahead and break your bank account because you want to show off and please EVERYBODY. I'm not in the pleasing everybody business. SOMEONE is going to get upset at something. I have a budget set for my wedding and I'm sticking to it. Times have changed and this ain't the 1930's honey - traditions change, rules change, ETIQUETTE changes. I'm inviting the people I love and the people I want to spend 5+ hours with. I'm NOT spending $110++ a plate for someone I don't know.

I'm saving money by spending WITHIN MY MEANS. I'm not having a trailer party. GTFOH

To the first bolded: You can have whatever opinion you want, but guess what? Your opinion here is, in fact, very wrong.

To the second bolded: Etiquette is all about doing what makes your guests comfortable. THAT DOES NOT CHANGE with the times. Inviting someone without their SO will make them uncomfortable, as anyone else on here can attest, many from experience. You will lose friends if you do this, so yes - we will call you out on it. If you don't care about losing friends, by all means, carry on with your crappy plans.

IF we've never met, I've never been in your home, you've never been in mine THEN THEY WON'T BE UNCOMFORTABLE. My wedding planning is coming out just fine and my FRIENDS are quite happy. My FRIENDS whose husband's/SO's I'VE MET are invited and ARE COMING. Those who I HAVE NOT MET are not coming IF we don't have the room. I'm suppose to say no to some younger second cousins who I have a semi-close relationship with over a STRANGER?

YOU CANNOT PLEASE EVERYBODY! Someone is going to be pissed off at something and it's too bad. You can't understand I'm not inviting your man you met at a bar the night before that we've never met because I'd rather invite my FH's cousin Sally's 18 year-old daughter who I met a few times over family BBQ's??? Then BYE FELICIA.

I'm SO DONE with this thread. Good luck to your wedding planning ladies and I hope you don't break the bank inviting 100+ people with a +1!

To the OP: I stand by what I said. Tell her NO! lol

Did anyone else read this in their head exactly how it was written? It kind of makes me feel like she had a megaphone passing back and forth by her mouth while she was on her tirade.

climbingsingle · March 2016

Oh good, now we have "Usernames" in addition to Knottie#s.

This is not difficult. If you're inviting someone to your wedding, chances are that means they're a loved one or a loved one of your future spouse. Why you would choose to crap on these people is BEYOND me. If a person considers themself in a relationship, you invite their SO. It doesn't matter if it's a week or a year.

banana468 · March 2016

Username100108 said:

delena76 said:

IF we've never met, I've never been in your home, you've never been in mine THEN THEY WON'T BE UNCOMFORTABLE. My wedding planning is coming out just fine and my FRIENDS are quite happy. My FRIENDS whose husband's/SO's I'VE MET are invited and ARE COMING. Those who I HAVE NOT MET are not coming IF we don't have the room. I'm suppose to say no to some younger second cousins who I have a semi-close relationship with over a STRANGER?

YOU CANNOT PLEASE EVERYBODY! Someone is going to be pissed off at something and it's too bad. You can't understand I'm not inviting your man you met at a bar the night before that we've never met because I'd rather invite my FH's cousin Sally's 18 year-old daughter who I met a few times over family BBQ's??? Then BYE FELICIA.

I'm SO DONE with this thread. Good luck to your wedding planning ladies and I hope you don't break the bank inviting 100+ people with a +1!

To the OP: I stand by what I said. Tell her NO! lol

This. This right here. You can't make everyone happy. My fiancé and I have finally come to this.

To those arguing over Delena's original post, yes, OP posted this on an etiquette board, but that doesn't mean everyone needs to break out arguing over who's right and wrong instead of trying to help the OP...

I would do the same thing Delena said, politely tell her no in the first place. Our list is finalized. We are inviting the SO's we have met. Period. We have spoken face to face with the 2 guests who's SO's we have not met, and won't be inviting, and both have been very understanding of the situation. Our wedding is small, because of our budget. It is important to us to have our family there, with only our closest friends. We would rather invite my Aunt who lives out of state than invite our friends boyfriend whom we have never met. We explained our finances to these people. One of them did not have a SO at the time we printed invites, they were not included in our guest count. Inviting them would put us over our limit, when everything has already been booked and paid for. If something happens where someone RSVP's that they cannot make it, okay. we will let those 2 guests know it is okay for them to bring their SO's-We have said this to them. One said even if we have room, she wouldn't bring him because he doesn't know us, or anyone else that will be at our wedding, and her SO would be extremely uncomfortable.
I don't think situations like this mean the bride/groom care any less about their guests. Especially in the case of the OP. Someone else posted along the lines of "weddings are for your closest family and friends"-then why invite complete strangers, especially when the guest is perfectly okay with you not inviting them? And please, don't try to play devils advocate "They probably said it just to make you think it's okay" Because our friends aren't like that, especially these 2. They are very outspoken and have had no problem speaking up about anything else in the past.
I'm not looking to argue here, I don't particularly care if someone wants to respond to this and give me crap, this is just my opinion. Not arguing, just putting my opinion and experiences out there, right or wrong.

And if I were in OP's shoes, I wouldn't want Jane as a friend at this point, so being afraid of offending her would be out the window at this point. I would call her out and tell her I feel like she tried to guilt trip me into getting an invite after 3 years of not speaking, and now she's saying she plans to bring a plus 1, when that wasn't on the invite? We are no longer friends, not just because of this situation, but because we have been out of touch for so many years. Consider yourself uninvited. Byeeeeeee

The problem with your opinion is that you're doing something factually rude.

You can say, "We just aren't paying for alcohol for our guests. It's expensive so we're having a cash bar. If you want to give me crap for it then this is just my opinion." However that doesn't change the point that inviting only half of an established social unit *is* rude. That the guests understood means that you either have really understanding guests or they're good liars. It in no way shape or form should be construed as validation of your bad behavior.

LondonLisa · March 2016

Username100108 said:

delena76 said:

IF we've never met, I've never been in your home, you've never been in mine THEN THEY WON'T BE UNCOMFORTABLE. My wedding planning is coming out just fine and my FRIENDS are quite happy. My FRIENDS whose husband's/SO's I'VE MET are invited and ARE COMING. Those who I HAVE NOT MET are not coming IF we don't have the room. I'm suppose to say no to some younger second cousins who I have a semi-close relationship with over a STRANGER?

YOU CANNOT PLEASE EVERYBODY! Someone is going to be pissed off at something and it's too bad. You can't understand I'm not inviting your man you met at a bar the night before that we've never met because I'd rather invite my FH's cousin Sally's 18 year-old daughter who I met a few times over family BBQ's??? Then BYE FELICIA.

I'm SO DONE with this thread. Good luck to your wedding planning ladies and I hope you don't break the bank inviting 100+ people with a +1!

To the OP: I stand by what I said. Tell her NO! lol

This. This right here. You can't make everyone happy. My fiancé and I have finally come to this.

To those arguing over Delena's original post, yes, OP posted this on an etiquette board, but that doesn't mean everyone needs to break out arguing over who's right and wrong instead of trying to help the OP...

I would do the same thing Delena said, politely tell her no in the first place. Our list is finalized. We are inviting the SO's we have met. Period. We have spoken face to face with the 2 guests who's SO's we have not met, and won't be inviting, and both have been very understanding of the situation. Our wedding is small, because of our budget. It is important to us to have our family there, with only our closest friends. We would rather invite my Aunt who lives out of state than invite our friends boyfriend whom we have never met. We explained our finances to these people. One of them did not have a SO at the time we printed invites, they were not included in our guest count. Inviting them would put us over our limit, when everything has already been booked and paid for. If something happens where someone RSVP's that they cannot make it, okay. we will let those 2 guests know it is okay for them to bring their SO's-We have said this to them. One said even if we have room, she wouldn't bring him because he doesn't know us, or anyone else that will be at our wedding, and her SO would be extremely uncomfortable.
I don't think situations like this mean the bride/groom care any less about their guests. Especially in the case of the OP. Someone else posted along the lines of "weddings are for your closest family and friends"-then why invite complete strangers, especially when the guest is perfectly okay with you not inviting them? And please, don't try to play devils advocate "They probably said it just to make you think it's okay" Because our friends aren't like that, especially these 2. They are very outspoken and have had no problem speaking up about anything else in the past.
I'm not looking to argue here, I don't particularly care if someone wants to respond to this and give me crap, this is just my opinion. Not arguing, just putting my opinion and experiences out there, right or wrong.

And if I were in OP's shoes, I wouldn't want Jane as a friend at this point, so being afraid of offending her would be out the window at this point. I would call her out and tell her I feel like she tried to guilt trip me into getting an invite after 3 years of not speaking, and now she's saying she plans to bring a plus 1, when that wasn't on the invite? We are no longer friends, not just because of this situation, but because we have been out of touch for so many years. Consider yourself uninvited. Byeeeeeee

You can tell yourself that everyone understands until you are blue in the face. You're wrong.

It doesn't mean that your behaviour isn't rude, tacky and downright mean.

you should be ashamed how you're treating your friends.

madamerwin · March 2016

Username100108 said:
This. This right here. You can't make everyone happy. My fiancé and I have finally come to this.

To those arguing over Delena's original post, yes, OP posted this on an etiquette board, but that doesn't mean everyone needs to break out arguing over who's right and wrong instead of trying to help the OP...

I would do the same thing Delena said, politely tell her no in the first place. Our list is finalized. We are inviting the SO's we have met. Period. We have spoken face to face with the 2 guests who's SO's we have not met, and won't be inviting, and both have been very understanding of the situation. Our wedding is small, because of our budget. It is important to us to have our family there, with only our closest friends. We would rather invite my Aunt who lives out of state than invite our friends boyfriend whom we have never met. We explained our finances to these people. One of them did not have a SO at the time we printed invites, they were not included in our guest count. Inviting them would put us over our limit, when everything has already been booked and paid for. If something happens where someone RSVP's that they cannot make it, okay. we will let those 2 guests know it is okay for them to bring their SO's-We have said this to them. One said even if we have room, she wouldn't bring him because he doesn't know us, or anyone else that will be at our wedding, and her SO would be extremely uncomfortable.
I don't think situations like this mean the bride/groom care any less about their guests. Especially in the case of the OP. Someone else posted along the lines of "weddings are for your closest family and friends"-then why invite complete strangers, especially when the guest is perfectly okay with you not inviting them? And please, don't try to play devils advocate "They probably said it just to make you think it's okay" Because our friends aren't like that, especially these 2. They are very outspoken and have had no problem speaking up about anything else in the past.
I'm not looking to argue here, I don't particularly care if someone wants to respond to this and give me crap, this is just my opinion. Not arguing, just putting my opinion and experiences out there, right or wrong.

And if I were in OP's shoes, I wouldn't want Jane as a friend at this point, so being afraid of offending her would be out the window at this point. I would call her out and tell her I feel like she tried to guilt trip me into getting an invite after 3 years of not speaking, and now she's saying she plans to bring a plus 1, when that wasn't on the invite? We are no longer friends, not just because of this situation, but because we have been out of touch for so many years. Consider yourself uninvited. Byeeeeeee

To the bolded: You may not feel that way, but your guests will. And really - you are inviting all SOs except for two? I don't care how understanding these two friends seemed - of course they will act understanding to your face, most people don't want to ruffle feathers. But I bet at least one of them feels pretty shitty for their SO being singled out as not good enough to attend. Seriously, you really should figure out a way to include these two SOs who you deemed unimportant. You are being rude.

Kahlyla · March 2016

banana468 said:

I think she means, "At the end of the day she's going to wake up next to her husband and because she's treated her friends and family like shit she's only going to have him so screw you all."

Because spending your money is a reason to treat others poorly.

This isn't even good trolling. Is it spring break somewhere??

It's March Break in Canada, yes! Maybe it's a Canuck troll? I have hope that someone wouldn't truly be this awful.

glasgowtolondon · March 2016

Why not just elope. For the life of me I don't understand why people invite guests when their attitude is so clearly one of thinly veiled contempt for them? 'If I've never met your SO, forget it', 'If you've been in a relationship less than insert bullshit period of time that magically makes a relationship legit', forget it. 'If you don't have a ring on your finger, forget it'. All these excuses are gross. No one is suggesting everyone has to have a plus one, that is a different thing entirely. No one is suggesting anyone has to invite someone that friend x met at the bar last night (though why the fuck thats always thrown out I don't know. Do people often meet someone at a bar the night before a wedding and expect to bring them?). All anyone is advising here is the perfectly reasonable and polite approach of inviting your guests with their partner without exception. In what world is that a hard concept to grasp?

scrunchythief · March 2016

delena76 said:

adk19 said:

delena76 said:

Uuughhh here we go with this again. OP: you can do what you want. If you don't want to invite someone's SO, then don't. WHO IS PAYING FOR THE WEDDING? You or them? This is exactly how people end up in weddings they cannot afford and the ONLY person left feeling like sh*t is guess who? YOU and your husband when it's time to look at your drained bank account.

I'm actually surprised you gave in and sent an invite to someone who you haven't seen in 3 years. I'm a bit of a tough cookie so my response would have been something like this: "I was hesitant on inviting you to begin with because we haven't been in touch for 3 years. You bothered one of my bridesmaids about whether or not you were getting an invite which put her in an uncomfortable situation and I'm NOT cool with that. Now you want to take advantage of me extending an invite to you on MY special day by telling me you're bringing a guest? You now have a choice: come alone or don't come at all."

Let me tell you something, I'll knock down a guest list real quick! No one is going to have me and my FH arguing over finances the day after our wedding because people were there we didn't really want to be there to begin with! Remember: this person is going to be in wedding photos! Do you REALLY want to see her face in them for all of eternity?

You're wrong. Not inviting a guest's Significant Other is basically the worst thing you can do to your guests. Do you even like your guests? They're supposed to be your closest friends and family. Why would you want to treat them like shit? If you don't want to invite Bob because he skeeves you out, don't invite his wife Mary. Done. But you can't invite Mary and tell her to leave Bob home alone. If you don't like people, you don't have to invite anyone. Save ALL your money by not having a party. You don't like anyone anyway.

YOUR OPINION that I'm wrong doesn't make it fact my dear. Guess what? I'm NOT wrong because it's MY wedding and MY rules. If I can't afford to invite the SO who I have never met before, they're not getting invited - IF I have the room and the funds then they can come. Go ahead and break your bank account because you want to show off and please EVERYBODY. I'm not in the pleasing everybody business. SOMEONE is going to get upset at something. I have a budget set for my wedding and I'm sticking to it. Times have changed and this ain't the 1930's honey - traditions change, rules change, ETIQUETTE changes. I'm inviting the people I love and the people I want to spend 5+ hours with. I'm NOT spending $110++ a plate for someone I don't know.

I'm saving money by spending WITHIN MY MEANS. I'm not having a trailer party. GTFOH

You're spending $110+ per plate and are claiming you can't afford to invite SO's? You could've simply by having a less expensive wedding. Even in my area, which is extremely expensive, I can think of several nice, all in one places that are about half that. Ours was about $30 per person, which included full open bar and a nice Italian buffet dinner. Sure, we could've afforded something more fancy if we cut people, but it was more important to us to invite everyone we care about, AND their SOs.

Sure, you can do whatever you want. None of us can physically stop you. But wouldn't you rather your guests actually enjoy a more simple reception with their love, instead of them merely "getting through" the fancy one that fits your vision?

lyndausvi · March 2016

I spent $235 per person for a few people I didn't know. No debt, no breaking the bank.

Those people I didn't know before the wedding I do know now. Well 2 people I've never seen again. NBD. The people they came with were appreciative I allowed them to bring a companion. That is all that matters to me.

Of course, I decided my guest list (including SO/dates/companions/flavor of the fucking week.) THEN picked a place that I could afford. I guess I did it wrong.

EvilSockLady · March 2016

The "no SOs we've never met" thing gets me every time.

To anyone using that stupid rule, I'd like to pose the question "why have you not met them?" and really think about it.

What if the reason you've never met is because you don't live in the same town as the guest and therefore haven't met their SO yet. So... you're going to invite your guest, expect them to come and fawn all over your relationship, while essentially telling them that their relationship means about as much to you as dog doodoo... and you're also making them travel alone and without a partner to split a hotel room with. And you're separating two people in love for possibly a good number of days.

What if the reason you've never met is because your guest and/or their SO has been super busy with work/school and has been so stressed and frazzled that there hasn't been time to coordinate a meetup? Assuming they happen to be free the night of your wedding, that means you are separating them on a night where they would have been able to spend much needed time together. And you're also turning what could have been a wonderful, relaxing and fun break from the madness for your guest, into a very bittersweet event since they won't be able to share it with their most important person.

What if the reason you've never met is because the SO is shy/anti-social/just has no interest in meeting people? In this case, if you invite them, they probably won't come anyway, so you don't spend the money but you don't look like a total jerk.

What if the reason you've never met is because you've been so self-absorbed and wrapped up in your own wedding that you haven't taken the time to get up to speed in what and who is important in your friends' lives? If you don't invite them, your friends will see that the Bridezilla behavior you've exhibited the last few months extends even further: they don't get to share an evening with a person they love because they dared to find that love during your speshul "it's all about me and my wedding" season and that you care more about the dress and flowers and placesettings you're spending your money on than you do your friend.

We could go on and on with more examples.

But seriously... if you're inviting your best friends and family to your wedding, don't you want to meet their SOs and wouldn't your wedding be a great opportunity to do so? Isn't it normal to care about your friends and their lives and want to be involved?
If you care so little about a friend that you have no interest in meeting their SO and you'll tell them to their face that their relationship isn't important enough to you to merit an invitation, then why are you even inviting them? Save the money and don't spend it on friends you clearly care so little about.

PrettyGirlLost · March 2016

EvilSockLady said:

The "no SOs we've never met" thing gets me every time.

To anyone using that stupid rule, I'd like to pose the question "why have you not met them?" and really think about it.

What if the reason you've never met is because you don't live in the same town as the guest and therefore haven't met their SO yet. So... you're going to invite your guest, expect them to come and fawn all over your relationship, while essentially telling them that their relationship means about as much to you as dog doodoo... and you're also making them travel alone and without a partner to split a hotel room with. And you're separating two people in love for possibly a good number of days.

What if the reason you've never met is because your guest and/or their SO has been super busy with work/school and has been so stressed and frazzled that there hasn't been time to coordinate a meetup? Assuming they happen to be free the night of your wedding, that means you are separating them on a night where they would have been able to spend much needed time together. And you're also turning what could have been a wonderful, relaxing and fun break from the madness for your guest, into a very bittersweet event since they won't be able to share it with their most important person.

What if the reason you've never met is because the SO is shy/anti-social/just has no interest in meeting people? In this case, if you invite them, they probably won't come anyway, so you don't spend the money but you don't look like a total jerk.

What if the reason you've never met is because you've been so self-absorbed and wrapped up in your own wedding that you haven't taken the time to get up to speed in what and who is important in your friends' lives? If you don't invite them, your friends will see that the Bridezilla behavior you've exhibited the last few months extends even further: they don't get to share an evening with a person they love because they dared to find that love during your speshul "it's all about me and my wedding" season and that you care more about the dress and flowers and placesettings you're spending your money on than you do your friend.

We could go on and on with more examples.

But seriously... if you're inviting your best friends and family to your wedding, don't you want to meet their SOs and wouldn't your wedding be a great opportunity to do so? Isn't it normal to care about your friends and their lives and want to be involved?
If you care so little about a friend that you have no interest in meeting their SO and you'll tell them to their face that their relationship isn't important enough to you to merit an invitation, then why are you even inviting them? Save the money and don't spend it on friends you clearly care so little about.

Because these couples are greedy, entitled shits that want presents. All the presents.

EvilSockLady · March 2016

PrettyGirlLost said:

EvilSockLady said:

But seriously... if you're inviting your best friends and family to your wedding, don't you want to meet their SOs and wouldn't your wedding be a great opportunity to do so? Isn't it normal to care about your friends and their lives and want to be involved?
If you care so little about a friend that you have no interest in meeting their SO and you'll tell them to their face that their relationship isn't important enough to you to merit an invitation, then why are you even inviting them? Save the money and don't spend it on friends you clearly care so little about.

Because these couples are greedy, entitled shits that want presents. All the presents.

True! And we all know they are obligatory. Lizzie Post and Ask Natalie said so!

[Deleted User] · March 2016

EvilSockLady said:

The "no SOs we've never met" thing gets me every time.

To anyone using that stupid rule, I'd like to pose the question "why have you not met them?" and really think about it.

What if the reason you've never met is because you don't live in the same town as the guest and therefore haven't met their SO yet. So... you're going to invite your guest, expect them to come and fawn all over your relationship, while essentially telling them that their relationship means about as much to you as dog doodoo... and you're also making them travel alone and without a partner to split a hotel room with. And you're separating two people in love for possibly a good number of days.

What if the reason you've never met is because your guest and/or their SO has been super busy with work/school and has been so stressed and frazzled that there hasn't been time to coordinate a meetup? Assuming they happen to be free the night of your wedding, that means you are separating them on a night where they would have been able to spend much needed time together. And you're also turning what could have been a wonderful, relaxing and fun break from the madness for your guest, into a very bittersweet event since they won't be able to share it with their most important person.

What if the reason you've never met is because the SO is shy/anti-social/just has no interest in meeting people? In this case, if you invite them, they probably won't come anyway, so you don't spend the money but you don't look like a total jerk.

What if the reason you've never met is because you've been so self-absorbed and wrapped up in your own wedding that you haven't taken the time to get up to speed in what and who is important in your friends' lives? If you don't invite them, your friends will see that the Bridezilla behavior you've exhibited the last few months extends even further: they don't get to share an evening with a person they love because they dared to find that love during your speshul "it's all about me and my wedding" season and that you care more about the dress and flowers and placesettings you're spending your money on than you do your friend.

We could go on and on with more examples.

But seriously... if you're inviting your best friends and family to your wedding, don't you want to meet their SOs? Isn't it normal to care about your friends and their lives and want to be involved?
If you care so little about a friend that you have no interest in meeting their SO and you'll tell them to their face that their relationship isn't important enough to you to merit an invitation, then why are you even inviting them? Save the money and don't spend it on friends you clearly care so little about.

I agree with this so much, so there's not much to add. Not inviting SOs generally, but specifically for the reason that you haven't met, is hurtful.

But since the money aspect is being thrown out, maybe it would help to consider it the other way. If I were to get invited to a wedding, probably out of town, I will be putting up money for travel, hotel room, gift, Friday wedding (?) that's a day I have to take off work. There's a good chance I bought you a nice shower gift. My point is, I'll be putting up a decent amount of money to see you get married. Which I don't mind doing, I love attending events and buying gifts to celebrate the big moments in my friends' lives. It just seems so easy for someone to throw out that they're paying X amount of dollars per plate as an excuse, when I'm (as a guest) putting up a decent amount of money too for this wedding. Re-budget and decide what is really important, whether that's cutting your guest list or finding money elsewhere (cutting down on flowers or not having favors).

I'm a pretty independent person, and have no qualms about attending events or traveling alone, I've attended many weddings solo. Excuses as to why someone's SO isn't invited never really cut it in my book including the popular: "But they will be sitting with friends anyway." Is that friend group comprised of mostly couples? If so, that sucks. I'll have people to talk to for dinner and then I'll be on my own.

Honestly, at this point in my life, if I were invited w/o my significant other to a wedding, and I knew it was because the couple had never met him, I would seriously consider how convenient it is for me to attend. I all honesty, I would probably have some things to consider about my friendship too.

ILoveBeachMusic · March 2016

@delena76 Re: they haven't been together x amount of time. My daughter and SIL met and became serious rather quickly. They were both invited to the wedding of SIL's friend who had never met DD. She met a lot of SIL's friends for the first time at that wedding. They became engaged and married within a year and a half of meeting. Most of the friends at that wedding came to their wedding. DD was very excited to see all of them again. So if DD and SOL hadn't been dating your arbitrary amount of time/you hadn't met her, new friendships wouldn't have been made! I feel sorry for your friends.

Heffalump · March 2016

delena76 said:

YOUR OPINION that I'm wrong doesn't make it fact my dear. Guess what? I'm NOT wrong because it's MY wedding and MY rules.

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madamerwin · March 2016

ILoveBeachMusic said:

@delena76 Re: they haven't been together x amount of time. My daughter and SIL met and became serious rather quickly. They were both invited to the wedding of SIL's friend who had never met DD. She met a lot of SIL's friends for the first time at that wedding. They became engaged and married within a year and a half of meeting. Most of the friends at that wedding came to their wedding. DD was very excited to see all of them again. So if DD and SOL hadn't been dating your arbitrary amount of time/you hadn't met her, new friendships wouldn't have been made! I feel sorry for your friends.

I also met most of H's friends his friends' wedding, a few months after we started dating. H was a groomsmen, and when he asked bride if he could bring a date (he was offered a plus one but only RSVP'd for himself, originally), she insisted that he bring me, because she wanted to meet me.

Because that's how friends work - if someone is important to your friend/wedding guest, then they should be important to you too.

banana468 · March 2016

Heffalump said:

delena76 said:

YOUR OPINION that I'm wrong doesn't make it fact my dear. Guess what? I'm NOT wrong because it's MY wedding and MY rules.

My husband's favorite is, "That's stupid. *You're* stupid!"

[Deleted User] · March 2016

scribe95 said:

The irony is in my one situation I ever asked for a substitute the bride/groom knew the friend I brought but not my SO.

But your friend was specifically not invited For A Reason; probably a close-talker with halitosis named Sven. Amiright? How dare you suggest Sven as a replacement for your SO. How Dare YOU!!!!!!

charlotte989875 · March 2016

A friend of mine invited me and not H (then BF). He had met them a few times, but they B-listed him because reasons. It sucked. I was hurt because they knew him, knew me, but whatever arbitrary cutoff I made, but he didn't was ridiculous. They were rude. However I wasn't going to also be rude by pointing this out. Then had first tier guests decline and he was "allowed" to come.

Also, I met H's friends at the wedding, he met some of mine, we met some of their SOs. I also met some of H's aunts and uncles. We both met his cousins SO that night. Should these people not have been invited because we didn't know them ahead of time? Do you seriously not see how insane that logic is?

TrixieJess · March 2016

lisakae44 said:

Perhaps "serious relationship" was not the right phrase. The point being, we are not inviting SO's of under a year, or that we've never met. Though in this case, it's not actually an issue.

Totally late to this, FI and I moved in together and were pregnant less than a year of being together, but nevermind that, it's not like we would be in a serious enough relationship to attend your wedding.

fyrchk · March 2016

I was invited to a wedding once without my SO because the bride didn't deem my relationship "serious" enough even though we had been together a couple of years at that point. I was the odd man out and ended up leaving as soon as I possibly could. Now, I'm getting married and instead of inviting her without her SO, I'm just not inviting them period.

So, I guess my point is: people have feelings and long memories. Oh, and that I'm a petty, petty person.

madamerwin · March 2016

charlotte989875 said:

A friend of mine invited me and not H (then BF). He had met them a few times, but they B-listed him because reasons. It sucked. I was hurt because they knew him, knew me, but whatever arbitrary cutoff I made, but he didn't was ridiculous. They were rude. However I wasn't going to also be rude by pointing this out. Then had first tier guests decline and he was "allowed" to come.

Also, I met H's friends at the wedding, he met some of mine, we met some of their SOs. I also met some of H's aunts and uncles. We both met his cousins SO that night. Should these people not have been invited because we didn't know them ahead of time? Do you seriously not see how insane that logic is?

I think we need a flow chart for this...

1. Have you met the SO?
If YES: Move on to question 2.
If NO: Don't be an asshole. You are not all-important and don't get to decide whose relationships are valid. Invite the SO.

2. Have your friend and SO been dating for more than a year?
If YES: Move on to question 3.
If NO: Skip to question 4.

3. Do you have room in your budget to invite SO?
If YES: Congratulations! Your friend AND their SO made the cut.
If NO: Don't be an asshole. Cut out the custom photobooth so you have room in your budget to invite both of them.

4. Are friend and SO engaged to be married and/or have a child?
If YES: Congratulations! Your friend AND their SO made the cut.
If NO: Don't be an asshole. Stop judging other people's relationships and invite both of them.

By THIS logic, all you need to do is not be an asshole.

PrettyGirlLost · March 2016

madamerwin said:

charlotte989875 said:

A friend of mine invited me and not H (then BF). He had met them a few times, but they B-listed him because reasons. It sucked. I was hurt because they knew him, knew me, but whatever arbitrary cutoff I made, but he didn't was ridiculous. They were rude. However I wasn't going to also be rude by pointing this out. Then had first tier guests decline and he was "allowed" to come.

Also, I met H's friends at the wedding, he met some of mine, we met some of their SOs. I also met some of H's aunts and uncles. We both met his cousins SO that night. Should these people not have been invited because we didn't know them ahead of time? Do you seriously not see how insane that logic is?

I think we need a flow chart for this...

1. Have you met the SO?
If YES: Move on to question 2.
If NO: Don't be an asshole. You are not all-important and don't get to decide whose relationships are valid. Invite the SO.

2. Have your friend and SO been dating for more than a year?
If YES: Move on to question 3.
If NO: Skip to question 4.

3. Do you have room in your budget to invite SO?
If YES: Congratulations! Your friend AND their SO made the cut.
If NO: Don't be an asshole. Cut out the custom photobooth so you have room in your budget to invite both of them.

4. Are friend and SO engaged to be married and/or have a child?
If YES: Congratulations! Your friend AND their SO made the cut.
If NO: Don't be an asshole. Stop judging other people's relationships and invite both of them.

By THIS logic, all you need to do is not be an asshole.

Bloody brilliant!

kimmiinthemitten · March 2016

Super late to the party (the speshuls always wait until I have a busy day to gather and troll, I swear). However, I am so excited that I have likely never met Delena nor Username and therefore won't be invited to either wedding. Who's with me?

ETF dumb words

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020756/uploads/editor/rw/nt4uf8pl7uv3.jpeg

ernursej · March 2016

I'm late to the party as well ... Oh dear. I really needed colour commentary to keep track of the traffic.

I really hope that anyone who is considering not inviting SOs has to attend a wedding by themselves without their SO (not by choice) so they can see what it feels like. Let's celebrate our relationship by pooh-poohing a guest's relationship ....

ShesSoCold · March 2016

Another perspective - I was invited to my cousin's wedding without H. He was FI at the time, but BF when invitations went out (I think). It was a family wedding so I went. Everyone was asking where he was and they wanted to meet him and congratulate us on the engagement and etc. So it was super awkward for me to be like, "He's at home..." without flat out saying that Cousin was a dick for not inviting him or making it seem like H was the dick for not coming.

There's no reason not to include SO. Even in the "super special $110 per plate I'm so great wedding". There are so many other places to cut costs.

banana468 · March 2016

ShesSoCold said:

Another perspective - I was invited to my cousin's wedding without H. He was FI at the time, but BF when invitations went out (I think). It was a family wedding so I went. Everyone was asking where he was and they wanted to meet him and congratulate us on the engagement and etc. So it was super awkward for me to be like, "He's at home..." without flat out saying that Cousin was a dick for not inviting him or making it seem like H was the dick for not coming.
There's no reason not to include SO. Even in the "super special $110 per plate I'm so great wedding". There are so many other places to cut costs.

And if your super special $110/plate I'm so great wedding means that you can't afford to invite SOs then you can't afford your wedding.

SOs shouldn't be an after-thought.

flantastic · March 2016

ShesSoCold said:

Another perspective - I was invited to my cousin's wedding without H. He was FI at the time, but BF when invitations went out (I think). It was a family wedding so I went. Everyone was asking where he was and they wanted to meet him and congratulate us on the engagement and etc. So it was super awkward for me to be like, "He's at home..." without flat out saying that Cousin was a dick for not inviting him or making it seem like H was the dick for not coming.
There's no reason not to include SO. Even in the "super special $110 per plate I'm so great wedding". There are so many other places to cut costs.

I'm sure some bride would do this so that her "thunder wasn't stolen" by people congratulating you. Doesn't seem to have worked - not all conversation revolved around the bride. People still wanted to talk to you about your own life. Hmm.

onefootinthebayou · March 2016

On mobile but standing O to all of you (with some notable exceptions including the screaming mimi - wtf even was that thing?).

This is seems to be a new "trend" or something that good manners in general had more or less stamped out, but I've seen a lot more of this "couple determining whether our guests' relationships are significant enough to get a plus 1". (Which is incorrectly stated as it's established that an SO of any ilk is an SO, not a plus 1).

At at the risk of being repetitive, don't judge the relationships of your guests. If they say the are in a relationship, they must be invited by name. If you don't know their name, ask the primary guest.

I see a lot of excuse mongering and acting like a tight budget has them in a place where they have no choice but to rudely split up couples for the sake of saving money and space. There is always a choice. You can be an asshole or not be an asshole. Invite all SOs. Plus 1s are for truly single guests who wish to bring someone. If you can afford that, it's a nice gesture but not a requirement. I've heard people on other threads referring to bfs & gfs as "Plus 1s". They are not. They are SOs.

@delana76 your advice is horrific. I hope your post is a sad attempt at trolling b/c the anger and hostility you're exhibiting is not healthy.
@Username100108 I know you weren't trying to start an argument. It you've talked yourself into believing that your approach is correct when it absolutely is not. Couples need to be invited as a unit and what you've done to the ones you've excluded is very insulting. I hope you apologize and find a way to include those two SOs. Make a cut somewhere else to make it work. The comfort of your guests is more important than some flowers that will die or a couple bowls of personalized M & Ms.

To "general you":

You may say to yourself, "why do hear people get so whipped up about guest list etiquette? It's just a party and it's MY party and I'M paying for it!" While that may be true, this isn't just about guest list etiquette or even wedding etiquette. It is about overall etiquette, IRL, off the message boards, off the internet. It's about shifting your focus from an inward one to an outward one, one where you consider the way that you treat people and how it will affect them and inform their impression of who you are as a person. It's about having good manners and treating people well. These boards are a great place to learn.

The way you act towards others has real world consequences. If you take the path @delana76 suggests, you will likely not be very successful in making friends or keeping them. Acting in a selfish, uninformed, and entitled way without any regard for manners can at best annoy people in passing or at worst have long term implications; perhaps you get passed over for a promotion at work b/c you are perceived as rude, or you are dismissed as unworthy of getting to know by someone you thought might become a new friend. "Water seeks its own level" is something my mom always said. When you exhibit poor manners, it will hold you back from reaching your full potential personally and professionally.

End rant. Woke up on wrong side of bed.

PrettyGirlLost · March 2016

banana468 said:

ShesSoCold said:

Another perspective - I was invited to my cousin's wedding without H. He was FI at the time, but BF when invitations went out (I think). It was a family wedding so I went. Everyone was asking where he was and they wanted to meet him and congratulate us on the engagement and etc. So it was super awkward for me to be like, "He's at home..." without flat out saying that Cousin was a dick for not inviting him or making it seem like H was the dick for not coming.
There's no reason not to include SO. Even in the "super special $110 per plate I'm so great wedding". There are so many other places to cut costs.

And if your super special $110/plate I'm so great wedding means that you can't afford to invite SOs then you can't afford your wedding.

SOs shouldn't be an after-thought.

So much this.

But as I said previously, people who make their GUESTS the priority over themselves and their vision have no trouble figuring this out.

Refusing a Plus 1?

Re: Refusing a Plus 1?

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