So I recently got engaged. I mostly lurk here, occasionally I respond to posts or ask questions. I'll probably be asking more questions now.
My situation is such that I have no money. At least not that I want to pay for a wedding with. My boyfriend wants a big fat fancy wedding, I would rather elope, but it is important to him so we are doing a ceremony/reception type deal. My mom is contributing a large amount of the budget, and therefore contributing to the guest list as well. Here are some of my questions (some of which may fall under etiquette)
1. My mom is paying for her guests. Does her "say" end there? I showed her invitations I liked (very simple, vista print) and she said I need formal wedding invitations with the inner envelope and like lace and crap. Also flowers.
2. Do I need programs? What about a bridal party? I've been a bridesmaid and its sucky.
3. A venue I'm interested in is a B&B. I can rent the entire facility (including 8 rooms) for the weekend and it is in price range, but barely. The coordinator said that "most often the guests pay for the rooms" but to rent the entire facility is one charge. Do the guests pay the venue for their rooms and the venue credit me or do I rent the venue and eat the cost (this is fine)? If they offer me money for their room do I take it? I know there was a thread about this once but I can't find it.
5. If we do a rehearsal dinner, do I need to provide alcohol/open bar? We would most likely be doing a "cater yourself" type thing with pizza or maybe have a small buffet brought in. I would have to do set up and clean up for this situation (at this venue)
6. Would just various cheeses/fresh fruits be suitable enough for cocktail hour?
7. How terrible is a Friday wedding? What about a Saturday or Sunday brunch wedding?
Are there any other areas I can cut out without going against proper hosting?
Any suggestions or comments are appreciated. Sorry if this is too long!
Re: Big wedding on a tiny budget
What is most important to the two of you? Having all your relatives and friends at your wedding? Open bar? Dancing? Since you have no money, you are going to need to prioritize.
A large wedding can be done without spending $40,000. Have a daytime ceremony in a park shelter, and serve picnic food. A fancy wedding can be done on a budget. Just cut your guest list. You need to decide what is most important, but since someone else will be paying for it, you might not get a lot of say.
Yep - not your Boyfriend - your FI...
1) Ye who pays gets a say (to a large extent)... On the invites look at some of the kits from Walmart/Michael's/Staples in the clearance aisle that fit both your visions that you can create a compromise with. I'd try to compromise with the inner/outer envelope aspect and an RSVP card with your original idea/plan first though because hanging around here - "where good invites go bad!" Find a way to go a little more "formal invite" without sacrificing what you want nor your budget! It can be done.
2) Bridal parties are optional, if you assume the attitude of your only expectation is your WP will "Show up the day of the wedding, in the designated attire (let them choose!), relatively sober, and pose for a few pictures then hang around for dinner" it won't be so bad. As for programs, if anything, it's nice to have a relative timeline of the day. DH's cousin put a timeline with the invitation for everyone and didn't do any other programs. It was nice! We knew what times the main events would be at and no "wonder what time this'll start" stuff.. IMO - nice but not necessary. If you want to do them, it's called Kinkos, and they'll fold them for you for a few pennies more which is well worth your time to NOT have to do!
3) Budget first, ENTIRE guest list second, then venue. Do not look at venues until you have a "I MUST invite", "I want to invite", and "I'd like to invite if space and money allows" (this is not a B-list, it's prioritizing the size of your weding based on your budget) and look at venues that fit those numbers accommodating for your single guests to bring a SO or +1. Yes, you will use all 8 of those rooms at a B&B for your immediate families and you/FI to have a honeymoon suite. IMO - work it out amongst yourselves! It really does sound like the B&B will ultimately be out of your budget/size though so get that guest list finalized NOW before you look at a single additional venue!
5) Go to a local restaurant and have someone else clean up the mess and pay for everyone to have pizza and drinks. Your cost and stress will ultimately be lower than if you try to put something together yourself. You do not want to be working to clean up after everyone is done after the rehearsal, you want to be preparing yourself for the next day. Do you need a rehearsal, not really, but it is nice so everyone gets together to know where things are at on the property so they don't look disorganized the day-of. It doesn't need to be a long process.
6) Yes - or just skip it if your budget truly is that tight. Typically we recommend a meat tray as well for a more savory option for those lactose intolerant or having to watch sugars.
7) Weekend brunch is preferable to a Friday night as you're essentially asking guests to take time off from work. It's also a "know your crowd" because if your guests are all local to the venue that's significantly different than if people need hotel rooms to attend your wedding.
Additional rec's - The #1 thing to remember is the golden rule - treat your guests as you'd like to be treated. Communicate with your vendors. If you only want to spend $200 on flowers, give your florist the budget to run with to make it happen. You don't need thousands of dollars in arrangements to have a beautifully flowered wedding. You can really "Elope at home" and other than the food and drinks for your guests, not spend on the "extras". When it comes to the cake - Walmart/Sam's/Super Target/Local Grocery Store/HyVee/BJ's/etc. al make wedding cakes the only challenge is you've got to do the delivery. But - whatever you do, DO NOT CHEAP OUT on your guests! Don't buy a cake because it's cheap - buy it because it tastes FANTASTIC for the price-point! Don't use Sam's regular icing, use their whipped icing - there's a HUGE taste difference!!! (one tastes great, the other tastes like you just grabbed a spoonful of Shortening!).. The simpler the design for your baker the cheaper the cake will be to make/deliver. If you don't like cake, go ahead and order a delicious dessert for everyone instead. Do not purchase a single bridal magazine.
And - the best money you can invest in this process is a good marriage prep counselor! Your first paragraph was enough to let us know that this is something important to do because the main reasons for divorce or simply Communication and Finances. Working the "rules of engagement" on the front end before you plan the wedding is the best money you two can spend because it's investing into the marriage...
1. We haven't looked at this venue yet. I've been communicating with the coordinator through email, I'm just interested in this venue and wanted to see what the prices were and what they would get me.
2. Totally not worried about getting the money back for the rooms or if anyone wants to leave before the weekend is up. The way she described it to me is "$X will get you the entire venue for friday night- sunday am, with all available rooms (8), but usually the guest will pay for these" they would be used for our VIPs. It was just the wording I didn't quite understand so I wasn't sure if someone here had experience with that. I will clarify if I decide to see the venue.
3. We have a guest list. Right now its "Who would we invite if we could invite everyone we wanted to" and will soon become "Who do we want to be there the most" I came up with less than 50 people, his was 120+. Its a work in progress. My mom is contributing to the wedding because she wants to contribute to the guest list.
4. We do have a budget, but I want to stay as below budget as possible. Right now it's about $15k. I found a decent caterer and this particular venue does push the budget BUT we haven't even looked at it and there are a few that are cheaper in the area, I just like the idea of having rooms available onsite for the ease of our guests.
Things that are important to us are: Open bar, a decent DJ. I just want to make sure if I cut the budget in more places than the guest list, that I'm doing it in the right places.
I'd talk to your mom and ask her honestly what her strings are. If you're comfortable with what she asks for in return, then go ahead but don't count on it until you have it in your bank.
The difference between 50 and 120 is huge! I'd stop all wedding planning until you have a guest list you, your FI and your mom if applicable can all sign off on.
We are just narrowing things down right now. Unfortunately I live in a very expensive area, and 90% of our guests will be traveling. His family dynamics, without writing a book here about it, are a huge factor in where and when this wedding is held.
You say that your Mom is "contributing" to the budget. Where is the rest of the money coming from?
My daughter's wedding, five years ago, cost about $12,000. No DJ and no open bar, held in the daytime for 135 guests.
You are already looking at invitations? Stop!
1. A valid marriage license.
2. An officiant.
3. Legal witnesses.
4. A comfortable venue that can easily fit your guest list.
5. A chair for every guest.
6. Food enough for everybody.
7. A timeline with no gaps.
8. Written invitations
You must have all of the above! Additional options may include a wedding party, alcohol, dancing, DJ, decor, flowers. Asking your guests to pay for any part of your wedding or honeymoon (cash bar, honeyfund, etc.) is very rude.
What I needed to know is where I can realistically cut my budget, that's all. So thank you for that info and that list CMG, I appreciate it
I'm sure I'll have a better idea in a few weeks, once we get more details ironed out.
I think the best way to approach it would be to ask your mom what she wants her money to go to and if she has anything you need to take into consideration when you're deciding on venues. If she wants to have input you should find out in advance and then can choose to accept her money (with her stipulations) or decline it. This is a better approach than "we already compromised on other things so were choosing the venue we want".
I mu understand the desire to have rooms close by, but maybe you can find a venue that has a hotel within walking distance? Also, this would mean there's no confusion over who pays for the rooms and guests could book and pay for them directly without involving you.
Programs are always option.
If you do not have a WP, and even if you do, if your ceremony is straight forward, you don't need a rehearsal, thus you'll save money on a rehearsal dinner. Alcohol is never required- a dry event is OK, but you'll find people prefer it. Pizza and pop for a rehearsal is just fine.
Definitely get on the same page with your Mom about what she expects. If you say to her, "Mom, we can only afford to invite 50 guests to our wedding" and she responds, "Well I want X,Y,Z there, so I'll pay for them", that to me is different than "I'm giving you $X toward the wedding, and I expect to see X,Y,Z invited..... (among other things she expects)". I would ask her what she would like to see her money go towards.
Personally, I think if she is "paying for her guests" then she doesn't really get a say in the venue, food, invitations etc. While she may think, "MY guests are coming and I want them to have steak dinners and formal embossed invitations with lace", those demands affect every other guest as well, increasing your overall budget beyond what you can afford and beyond what she is contributing. Saying this- crazier things have happened, and sometimes parents have high expectations for their children's weddings, even if they are not contributing, so best to ask now. Another way to go about things, for example the formal invitations, is to tell your mom, "Mom, I know you would like formal invitations but I have only budgeted $200 for invitations which will not cover the invitations you would like". She can either concede or perhaps offer to pay for the invitations she'd like.
The B&B guest rooms confuse me. The general rule is, if you are required to book/pay for rooms because it is required to book the venue (some small places, such as cabins/retreats/resorts/ etc will state that you can't just book the banquet room, you have to book the whole venue), that is your cost to cover. How you then choose to use those rooms is up to you (wedding party, family, VIPs), but you don't charge your guests for them. Otherwise, guests should be responsible for their own lodgings and personally I'd stay away from booking something on someone's behalf and then expecting them to pay you back- let them deal with the venue.
Sometimes the more traditional wedding venues can be cheaper because they do weddings near every weekend (sometimes all weekend), so they own tables, chairs, linens, cutlery, dishes, decor, have the ceremony and reception space, the coordinators and staff.... thus they can offer packages at reasonable prices. Definitely consider it versus a place you need to bring everything into yourself.
There is nothing *wrong* with a Friday wedding, but realize it may be inconvenient for your guests as they will be required to take time off work. A friend of mine was married on a Friday. Ceremony was at 5pm. Many guests showed up *right* before the processional started and some showed up late and had to stand at the back of the room because they were all coming from work. Many also left relatively early because they'd been up since 6am and at work all day. Brunch weddings are lovely (Sat or Sun)! I wish more people had them.
As for cocktail hour, it does not need to be expensive or lavish, but have a few options and something that is going to tide your guests over. Crackers + cheese, fruit and veggie platters, even a few bowls of pretzels/chips/nachos/snack mix, meat + cheese platter. These are things you could order from a grocery store.
Things you can cut: Flowers. Decor in general (put a table cloth on the table and provide napkins, but no one cares about chargers or chair covers or colour coordination). Consider wine and beer only versus an open bar. Videography. Photography (I think most people would tell you their photos were important to them- but consider a shorter package of 4-6 hours and get the essentials versus these large 9-12h packages with engagement sessions and edited books, etc). Rings. How much you are spending on your wedding dress- purchase one used, consider a "not" wedding dress.
Let me ask this regarding alcohol-- say we offer beer and wine only. Would it be reasonable to have mixed drinks available if the guests want to pay for them? Or should we just stick to it with beer and wine and if you want something else too bad thats all we have.
Sorry if I'm asking all my questions in one thread!
I did similar things with stuff I really didn't care about. Centerpieces? They were very simple. No one really cares about them. I combined table numbers with the guest book. Etc.
Your mom and your FI both need to get a handle on what's realistic for your area and your budget. However, our wedding was about 15k and we were able to invite 200 people with 120 showing up.
Have a bridal party if you want your closest friends to stand up with you. (If you don't, that's fine.) It doesn't have to suck. Just make it clear to everyone that they only have to get a navy dress (or can wear whatever, I'm sure they'll look great), that getting ready together is totally optional, etc. If you wouldn't want to have to do it, don't ask it of them. Simple.
Good that you've been discussing these things with the key players involved. Now, the best way to keep your budget in check - watch your pennies! If Caterer A charges $25/pp, and Caterer B charges $20 but charges $3/pp for linen service, $3/pp for china, and $2 for glassware/water glasses = guess which is the better deal for the same meal and add-ons? It's those nickels and dimes that add up to real money in a hurry!
If the place is twice your budget, walk twice as fast in the other direction! But absolutely get 100% of that guest list finalized before you look at future places!!