Straight cis woman here. I’ve been married to my husband for almost three years, and we’ve been together for eight. Over the weekend, he passed out drunk in our bed with his phone in his hand, open to an anonymous messaging app. He was on some trans- and gay-themed chat rooms under a fake name, where people were scheduling hookups and sending dick pics. He had also received some messages from guys, to which he didn’t appear to have responded. I confronted him about this, and he says that he’s bisexual. He says he’s long had feelings about men but hasn’t ever acted on them or told anyone before me. He says he downloaded the app a few months ago and views it as a form of pornography, that he wanted to just look at the boards anonymously, and that he has no intention to cheat or to be with a man.
We’ve been struggling lately, and his anger and lack of motivation are a factor—I have taken on the “nagging mom/wife” role, which I don’t relish. He says he’s sorry, he will never do this again, he will stop drinking, yada yada. I’m wondering if I can go on living my life with someone who may someday say he’s leaving me for a man (or just cheat on me). He’s 39 and I’m 34, and we were trying to have kids. Is he just repressing being gay? Can he be bisexual and not act on it? I am ashamed that our marriage might not even make it three years, terrified at the thought of figuring out what to do with our house and our lives, and worried I’m missing my shot at a family. When I say there were no clues before this, I mean it. I’m also so broken. What to do?
—What’s Going On
Re: This baggage needs to be unpacked to a therapist, not Prudie.
FFS, get a therapist and encourage your DH to do the same. Maybe he's bi, maybe he's gay and maybe he's not. But instead of taking the time to write a letter anonymously maybe you two can look into something together??
To me that's pretty reprehensible and symptomatic of basic communication, respect, and trust issues critical to a strong relationship.
Does she think Prudie will respond: "Nope, you're good" and the LW will be like: "great, that solves that!"
Agreed .... this should be for therapy, not Prudie
This isn't about sexuality or hookup apps or anything like that. He's depressed.
Angry, unmotivated, and drinking too much recently, it's right there in the letter. Get him a fucking doctor and a prescription and some coping skills and THEN work on this specific problem - which might not be a problem if he's coping with his mental health issues. (Honestly, it sounds like acting out for attention, BECAUSE HE'S SICK.)
I also think she's a jerk for not taking his sexuality seriously. Because being all, "Sure, yeah, you say your bisexual...mmmhmm," really makes one feel great about it and not mocked.
Right now, LW needs to decide what's a deal-breaker. If she wants to try to work it out with him, then she needs to ask him to take steps with her to work on their marriage. If he doesn't want to, then she has her answer? Also, she needs to stop trying to get pregnant until the discord is resolved.
As a complete aside, is this meme the helicopter pilot actor from Magnum P.I.?
Because I loved that show and haven't seen it in eons, lol.
It can very well be that he's suffering from some kind of depression. He probably does need therapy for a variety of reasons.
That hardly makes his behavior excusable. And I have to imagine that the wife is having a hard time processing all aspects because his sexuality isn't presented as a sole issue in their relationship but it's wrapped up in many issues where he's also been an extremely disrespectful husband.
But of course the troll comes out.
I'm not sure what it is about this forum but there is a greater than average number of straight people who think they have useful opinions on gay people's lives. it's so bizarre.
In this particular scenario LW’s husband was dishonest and on a hookup site. I feel bad for both of them but you can’t say LW wasn’t a victim.
I would certainly consider myself more of an authority than the myriad of straight people who can't seem to keep their mouths shut about what the homosexuals are doing these days though.
It’s shitty to cheat on your significant other. Full stop.
My post wasn’t a discussion on whether or not I’m homophobic but that no one should decide that their particular experiences are the rule. I’m a mother but every last idea I have on motherhood isn’t the be all end all.
But the LW's husband didn't do that. There are plenty of gay porn sites that don't have hookup and exchange dickpic features. He signed up for a website that enabled him to cheat on his wife. It is the same as the Ashley Madison scandal. Most people understand people look at porn, but signing up to extra features that enable hookups, even if they are not acted on, will rock your relationship core. It is a massive breach of trust. And I think the crux of the issue here is about trust rather than the bisexual part.
I think the LW is wrong to automatically assume that he is going to leave her for a man because he is bi. But I think it is more likely she is scared that he is going to leave her full stop (for a man or woman).
Its a betrayal of trust that is the issue.
"Better to be the dumper than the dumpee" ... "It's not you - it's me! Even though really - it is fully you dude!"... LW may be looking for her "out" because of the fear that he's already doing this and she wants to prepare (Be the first to strike so to speak with the divorce papers)