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Pre-wedding Parties

Maid of Honor

Yesterday my maid of honor called me sobbing because she realized she is not up for the role of being the maid of honor. She was also supposed to be the maid of honor in another wedding a week after nine, but I am not sure if she is going to be anymore. She told me she did not realize how much planning, responsibility, time, energy, and money went into being a maid of honor. I knew when I picked her that it was a risk because she was sometimes difficult to get in contact with, but she has been my best friend for more than half of my life. However, I never thought she would back out of being the maid of honor. She still wants to he a bridesmaid which is perfectly fine, but now I don't have a maid of honor. Now I have five bridesmaids (1 is actually a bridesman not that it matters) and my fiance has four groomsmen (1 is actually a groomswoman) and a best man so our sides are even. Should I ask one of the other bridesmaids to be my maid of honor instead? I know when I intitally decided who my maid of honor was my sister was very upset I didn't pick her, but my sister and I were not on the best of terms and she has been back and forth if she was even going to be in the wedding. She knows my maid of honor backed out so I'm not sure if she is expecting me to ask her or not. I don't want to hurt her feelings by not asking her or asking her and making her feel like a replacement. Any advice would be great! 
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Re: Maid of Honor

  • edited January 8
    I did pick her because she is my best friend and there were no strings attached. She assumed she had to pay for and plan everything which was not the case. My mother, MIL, and other bridesmaids were all going to contribute to planning and organizing the events. I even paid for the decorator for my bridal shower since it is the same decorator for my wedding, but my MOH did not want to use the decorator. As soon as she mentioned she was having problems, everyone offered to help her pay or pay for it completely so all she had to do was select the venue and caterer and the costs were going to be covered by my mother, MIL, and other bridesmaids. Mothers and bridesmaids volunteered to cover the costs and I also offered to pay for any costs as well. We literally just wanted her to select a venue and caterer and she would not have had to pay for a single thing. She also said she never should have accepted the position, but thought that she could handle it. My family, friends, fiance, and I have all tried expressing to her that she is NOT expected to pay or plan the entire thing. My mother, MIL, and one of the bridesmaids offered to go with her to look at venues, but she said no. They even said they would just go and she would just have to approve of the place and she did not reply. We have tried everything to accommodate her so that she would not be stressed. 
  • I did pick her because she is my best friend and there were no strings attached. She assumed she had to pay for and plan everything which was not the case. My mother, MOL, and other bridesmaids were all going to contribute to planning and organizing the events. I even paid for the decorator for my bridal shower since it is the same decorator for my wedding, but my MOH did not want to use the decorator. As soon as she mentioned she was having problems, everyone offered to help her pay or pay for it completely so all she had to do was select the venue and caterer and the costs were going to be covered by my mother, MOL, and other bridesmaids. Mothers and bridesmaids volunteered to cover the costs and I also offered to pay for any costs as well. We literally just wanted her to select a venue and caterer and she would not have had to pay for a single thing. She also said she never should have accepted the position, but thought that she could handle it. My family, friends, fiance, and I have all tried expressing to her that she is NOT expected to pay or plan the entire thing. My mother, MOL, and one of the bridesmaids offered to go with her to look at venues, but she said no. They even said they would just go and she would just have to approve of the place and she did not reply. We have tried everything to accommodate her so that she would not be stressed. 
    So it sounds like there is a lot of miscommunication here; somehow she got the idea that she had to plan a shower for you. While many MOH do choose to do this for brides, a shower is never required. She also never should have felt like she had to pick a venue or plan or pay for anything. Anyone can offer to throw a shower, and if she didn’t maybe that’s why she’s feeling like she has to do these things. If your other BMs and your Mother/MIL want to offer to host you’re free to let them. But your MOH doesn’t have to be a part of it. 


  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    1) You should absolutely not replace anyone for anything. Your wedding party is not a production with understudies and roles to fill. You asked the people you want. If they can make it, great. You don't replace friends if they can't make it.

    2) It seems that both you and your friend have some extremely absurd ideas of what it means to be MOH. Her role is to show up in the agreed upon attire, smile for photos, and hold your bouquet during the ceremony. (And possibly sign the marriage certificate, depending on local legalities). Anything else is purely optional on her part. Outside of the bouquet, she has no responsibilities or obligations beyond any other BM. (And I'm quite sure the bouquet isn't the reason she feels overwhelmed.)

    What you should do now is call her up, apologize for your misguided notion that any planning, responsibility, time, energy and money should go into being MOH. The role of being MOH is an opportunity for you to honor her, not for her to work for you. If you're sincere and she decides to forgive you, you can ask her to remain as MOH. If she'd prefer to stay a BM, that's fine too. All in all, you should remember that none of this is her fault. Yes, you bought into some ridiculous wedding movie BS, but in reality, you decided that honoring your friend means she should become your free labor. No matter what the wedding industry shoved down your throat, you let this get in the way of your friendship. Remember that when you apologize to her. She's done absolutely nothing wrong. 
    InLoveInQueens
  • edited January 8
    I did pick her because she is my best friend and there were no strings attached. She assumed she had to pay for and plan everything which was not the case. My mother, MIL, and other bridesmaids were all going to contribute to planning and organizing the events. I even paid for the decorator for my bridal shower since it is the same decorator for my wedding, but my MOH did not want to use the decorator. As soon as she mentioned she was having problems, everyone offered to help her pay or pay for it completely so all she had to do was select the venue and caterer and the costs were going to be covered by my mother, MIL, and other bridesmaids. Mothers and bridesmaids volunteered to cover the costs and I also offered to pay for any costs as well. We literally just wanted her to select a venue and caterer and she would not have had to pay for a single thing. She also said she never should have accepted the position, but thought that she could handle it. My family, friends, fiance, and I have all tried expressing to her that she is NOT expected to pay or plan the entire thing. My mother, MIL, and one of the bridesmaids offered to go with her to look at venues, but she said no. They even said they would just go and she would just have to approve of the place and she did not reply. We have tried everything to accommodate her so that she would not be stressed. 
    So it sounds like there is a lot of miscommunication here; somehow she got the idea that she had to plan a shower for you. While many MOH do choose to do this for brides, a shower is never required. She also never should have felt like she had to pick a venue or plan or pay for anything. Anyone can offer to throw a shower, and if she didn’t maybe that’s why she’s feeling like she has to do these things. If your other BMs and your Mother/MIL want to offer to host you’re free to let them. But your MOH doesn’t have to be a part of it. 


    There was definitely a lack of communication because she would never respond to any of our phone calls or text messages. It was like she was avoiding us. When she asked me what I expected of her, I asked if she could HELP plan the bridal shower, but she must have taken that as plan the entire thing which is definitely not what I meant. The only reason we even found out she was having money problems was because she vented to her brother who then called me yelling at me without her knowing so when she found out he did that she called me the next day and told me she had everything handled and she knew others were willing to help her. At that point which was about 3 weeks ago, I said let me or my mother or the other bridesmaids know if you need any help and she said she would. Then as soon as my mother tries to start planning stuff with her, she doesn't respond to anything my mother said so my mother attempted to tell her that all costs would be 100% covered. My mother also said they could go together if my MOH had time to look at venues or my mother said that my MIL, future sister in law (bridesmaid), and her would go look at venues that way the MOH didn't feel pressured to select a venue on her own. My mother never got a response to either offer. Instead, my MOH called me crying and saying she never should have accepted the position. 
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand here we go again with this KnottieNumbers and her 1,000 excuses for a very preventable and fixable issue.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    MyNameIsNotInLoveInQueens
  • Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand here we go again with this KnottieNumbers and her 1,000 excuses for a very preventable and fixable issue.
    Wow! So how would you suggest I fix it and she doesn't want to be maid of honor? 
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand here we go again with this KnottieNumbers and her 1,000 excuses for a very preventable and fixable issue.
    Wow! So how would you suggest I fix it and she doesn't want to be maid of honor? 
    Call her, apologize to her, tell her you love her and that you want her to be in your wedding but you understand if she does not. Then leave her alone about it. Resume your friendship with her as though your wedding wasn't coming up. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    thisismynickname2MyNameIsNotei34InLoveInQueens
  • edited January 8
    1) You should absolutely not replace anyone for anything. Your wedding party is not a production with understudies and roles to fill. You asked the people you want. If they can make it, great. You don't replace friends if they can't make it.

    2) It seems that both you and your friend have some extremely absurd ideas of what it means to be MOH. Her role is to show up in the agreed upon attire, smile for photos, and hold your bouquet during the ceremony. (And possibly sign the marriage certificate, depending on local legalities). Anything else is purely optional on her part. Outside of the bouquet, she has no responsibilities or obligations beyond any other BM. (And I'm quite sure the bouquet isn't the reason she feels overwhelmed.)

    What you should do now is call her up, apologize for your misguided notion that any planning, responsibility, time, energy and money should go into being MOH. The role of being MOH is an opportunity for you to honor her, not for her to work for you. If you're sincere and she decides to forgive you, you can ask her to remain as MOH. If she'd prefer to stay a BM, that's fine too. All in all, you should remember that none of this is her fault. Yes, you bought into some ridiculous wedding movie BS, but in reality, you decided that honoring your friend means she should become your free labor. No matter what the wedding industry shoved down your throat, you let this get in the way of your friendship. Remember that when you apologize to her. She's done absolutely nothing wrong. 
    1. I was going to ask my sister who is already in the wedding if she wanted to be the maid of honor instead because I had a very hard time deciding which one I wanted to be my maid of honor to begin with and a huge deciding factor with my sister was that she just broke up with her fiance and she was supposed to be the maid of honor and she asked the bride not to be the maid of honor because she was upset after having broken up with her fiance so I didn't want to cause her any additional grief. 

    2. Yes I asked my MOH to help plan the bridal shower which most brides do. I have 4 other bridesmaids and my mother and MIL who were also assisting with planning/paying for the bridal shower. It was never going to just be her planning/paying for it because I would never expect that from anyone. When I talked to her yesterday, I once again said I would NEVER expect her or anyone else to plan or foot the bill for the entire thing. 

    If she or anyone else was feeling overwhelmed, then they could have talked to me which I told her when I found out from her brother that she was feeling overwhelmed. She said she would and assured me she was so excited to plan my shower she was just concerned about costs and I offered to pay for stuff if she needed me to. 
  • Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand here we go again with this KnottieNumbers and her 1,000 excuses for a very preventable and fixable issue.
    Wow! So how would you suggest I fix it and she doesn't want to be maid of honor? 
    Call her, apologize to her, tell her you love her and that you want her to be in your wedding but you understand if she does not. Then leave her alone about it. Resume your friendship with her as though your wedding wasn't coming up. 
    She plans on being in the wedding just not as the MOH. I am giving her plenty of space. 
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    1) You should absolutely not replace anyone for anything. Your wedding party is not a production with understudies and roles to fill. You asked the people you want. If they can make it, great. You don't replace friends if they can't make it.

    2) It seems that both you and your friend have some extremely absurd ideas of what it means to be MOH. Her role is to show up in the agreed upon attire, smile for photos, and hold your bouquet during the ceremony. (And possibly sign the marriage certificate, depending on local legalities). Anything else is purely optional on her part. Outside of the bouquet, she has no responsibilities or obligations beyond any other BM. (And I'm quite sure the bouquet isn't the reason she feels overwhelmed.)

    What you should do now is call her up, apologize for your misguided notion that any planning, responsibility, time, energy and money should go into being MOH. The role of being MOH is an opportunity for you to honor her, not for her to work for you. If you're sincere and she decides to forgive you, you can ask her to remain as MOH. If she'd prefer to stay a BM, that's fine too. All in all, you should remember that none of this is her fault. Yes, you bought into some ridiculous wedding movie BS, but in reality, you decided that honoring your friend means she should become your free labor. No matter what the wedding industry shoved down your throat, you let this get in the way of your friendship. Remember that when you apologize to her. She's done absolutely nothing wrong. 
    1. I was going to ask my sister who is already in the wedding if she wanted to be the maid of honor instead because I had a very hard time deciding which one I wanted to be my maid of honor to begin with and a huge deciding factor with my sister was that she just broke up with her fiance and she was supposed to be the maid of honor and she asked the bride not to be the maid of honor because she was upset after having broken up with her fiance so I didn't want to cause her any additional grief. You could have asked your sister. You could have asked them both. You decided to ask this friend. 

    2. Yes I asked my MOH to help plan the bridal shower And you need to apologize for that which most brides do. They most certainly do not. Asking for a shower is extremely rude and selfish. I have 4 other bridesmaids and my mother and MOL who were also assisting with planning/paying for the bridal shower. It was never going to just be her planning/paying for it because I would never expect that from anyone. When I talked to her yesterday, I once again said I would NEVER expect her or anyone else to plan or foot the bill for the entire thing. And you should have said that you were wrong to ask her (or anyone) to help plan it at all. 

    If she or anyone else was feeling overwhelmed, then they could have talked to me which I told her when I found out from her brother that she was feeling overwhelmed. Why would she be expected to come to you? You've already put unreasonable expectations on the table. She has no reason to expect that you are suddenly going to be rational. She said she would and assured me she was so excited to plan my shower she was just concerned about costs and I offered to pay for stuff if she needed me to. 
    Responses in bold. 

    Bottom line is that you were wrong and you owe her (and it appears quite a few people) an apology. You can act like an adult and accept when you are wrong, or you can put your head in the sand and blame everyone else. 
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited January 8
    I honestly cannot and will not even respond to this unless/until I hear how your other 14 problems posts were resolved. 



    ShesSoColdMyNameIsNot
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    There is so much drama surrounding this wedding. I don't even know what to say. 

  • edited January 8
    MobKaz said:
    I honestly cannot and will not even respond to this unless/until I hear how your other 14 problems posts were resolved. 



    My sister has decided to step down because she is having problems with money. My parents just had to loan her money to afford to stay in her apartment and she told me that unfortunately she would not be able to be in the wedding because she isn't even sure she can afford to get new shoes. All I asked was that my girls were silver shoes, but she does not own a pair already and I thought she did. I own several pairs which I could loan to her, but she doesn't want to wear heels and all of my silver shoes are heels. Her and I had talked over everything. She is no longer seeing the guy with the child which was her own choice. She found out he was lying to her and he took a bunch of his money. I also told her that her tattoo was fine. 

    My mother, grandmother, and MIL are all planning on going shopping together. They have asked me to attend as well. They have also showed me different styles of dresses they like which I have said were perfectly fine as long as they are comfortable.

    My dad's tux has been selected and he is going to get measured this week and my future father in law apparently owns a suit which neither of us knew and plans on wearing that to the wedding.

    My mother also just told me that my MOH had come to her within weeks of me getting engaged wanting to plan the bridal shower. My mother and MOH had not told me this because it was supposed to be a surprise. So when I mentioned the bridal shower weeks later neither of them let on that they were already planning on throwing one. 
  • edited January 8
    There is so much drama surrounding this wedding. I don't even know what to say. 
    Everything else had been worked out. My sister has asked just to be a guest because she realized she cannot afford to even pay for her apartment yet alone shoes or hair and makeup for the wedding. I told her she does not have to get her hair or makeup done since that was optional. She also could barrow a pair of my shoes since I know multiple pairs of silver heels, but she doesn't want to wear heels. She also has broken up with the guy who has a son because she found out he was lying to her. He told her his grandfather was dying shortly after she loaned him money, but she found out his grandfather was not dying and he just used it as an excuse to get out of coming to see her. He also told her his wife's two daughters were not his children, but she spoke with the wife who said they are his daughters and he visits them everyday. I also spoke with her about the tattoo and said I wasn't thrilled about it, but she can do whatever she wants with her body and she would still be in the wedding. 

    My mother, MIL, and grandmother have been looking at dresses online and have made plans to go together to dress shop. They asked me to go along which I said I would.

    All of the tuxes have been selected and paid for. All my dad's tux is grey he likes it. My future father in law apparently owns a suit and plans on wearing that to the wedding. My fiance had no clue he owned a suit since his father normally wears jeans and a t-shirt, but after speaking with him he was informed about the suit.

    So everything going on the maid of honor is really the only problem now. 
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    By the way, your original maid of honor can still be maid of honor without doing anything. She stands next to you and holds your bouquet, and if you have a long train she finagles that during the ceremony. It's no big deal at all. 

    That's it. Not being able to plan events or participate in stuff shouldn't negate the ability to stand next to you as originally planned. 
    ________________________________


    MesmrEwe
  • edited January 8
    By the way, your original maid of honor can still be maid of honor without doing anything. She stands next to you and holds your bouquet, and if you have a long train she finagles that during the ceremony. It's no big deal at all. 

    That's it. Not being able to plan events or participate in stuff shouldn't negate the ability to stand next to you as originally planned. 
    I know that which is exactly what I plan on telling her when we talk tomorrow. I reached out to her yesterday to talk to her. She is working some crazy shifts at work so she can't talk until tomorrow. I plan on telling her exactly that. My mother started planning the shower on her own since she could not get in touch with my MOH for weeks. My MIL and future sister in law (bridesmaid) offered to assist my mother since MOH was unresponsive. My MOH does not know any of this because she would not respond to anyone. 

  • OP, I'm assuming you or your all's parents could pay less than $20 and get her some silver flats at Amazon or Payless.  Or I can't help but think she might just be using it as an excuse to drop out of the WP, because of all the bad stuff she's had going on.

    Like the other PPs have said, have another talk with your MOH.  I'd emphasize that she seems to mistakenly think she has all these responsibilities and costs that she doesn't.  That you want her standing up with you as your MOH, simply because she is your best friend.  "MOH" is an honorary title.  It doesn't mean anything, outside of that.  As such, if she still wants to remain a BM, that's fine.  But definitely don't choose someone else to be the MOH, because that can be hurtful to both people.  Just have BMs and no MOH.  There is no difference and it's NBD.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    InLoveInQueensMyNameIsNot
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Is MOL supposed to be MIL? Mother-in-law??

  • Is MOL supposed to be MIL? Mother-in-law??
    Yes! Error on my part. Sorry
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its

    OP, I'm assuming you or your all's parents could pay less than $20 and get her some silver flats at Amazon or Payless.  Or I can't help but think she might just be using it as an excuse to drop out of the WP, because of all the bad stuff she's had going on.

    Like the other PPs have said, have another talk with your MOH.  I'd emphasize that she seems to mistakenly think she has all these responsibilities and costs that she doesn't.  That you want her standing up with you as your MOH, simply because she is your best friend.  "MOH" is an honorary title.  It doesn't mean anything, outside of that.  As such, if she still wants to remain a BM, that's fine.  But definitely don't choose someone else to be the MOH, because that can be hurtful to both people.  Just have BMs and no MOH.  There is no difference and it's NBD.

    I think my sister does have a lot going on in her life and she told my mother yesterday about not being sure if she should be in the wedding because of everything going on in her personal life and because of costs. 

    I am having a conversation with my MOH. I am getting the feeling there is more that she isn't telling me. She had very briefly mentioned that a former friend of hers took advantage of her, but she wouldn't go into the details. I also know her mother was potentially moving in with her so I am thinking she is just overwhelmed in general and unfortunately because she was not responding to texts, Facebook messages, and phone calls she doesn't really even know anything that is going on with the wedding, bridal shower, or bachelorette party. My mother, MOL, fiance, other bridesmaids, and I have all reached out to her to see even when she would be available to even attend the events, but she wouldn't respond. She works as a nurse and has a very busy scheduled and she was initially helping plan, but once people couldn't get in touch with her for about a month other people started stepping up to help, but again she doesn't know this. With how upset she was when she called me, I didn't even really get a chance to explain anything to her. 
    She doesn't need to know these things. I'm not faulting anyone for reaching out to her, especially since she was initially involved. But from here on out, just have someone (ONE person, not everyone) let her know what event is happening when. Then leave her be - about the wedding. 

    When you talk to her tomorrow, I would recommend not mentioning anything that happened up to now. Don't talk about how she hasn't responded or about the shower or anything. I'd just tell her that you're sorry you communicated to her that she'd have "responsibilities" and that you were wrong in that. Tell her there are no hard feelings regardless of what title she wants (if any) for your wedding party but that if she wants, you'd still like her to stand closest to you and hold your bouquet during the ceremony. But there's nothing else you're expecting her to do. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
  • OP, I'm assuming you or your all's parents could pay less than $20 and get her some silver flats at Amazon or Payless.  Or I can't help but think she might just be using it as an excuse to drop out of the WP, because of all the bad stuff she's had going on.

    Like the other PPs have said, have another talk with your MOH.  I'd emphasize that she seems to mistakenly think she has all these responsibilities and costs that she doesn't.  That you want her standing up with you as your MOH, simply because she is your best friend.  "MOH" is an honorary title.  It doesn't mean anything, outside of that.  As such, if she still wants to remain a BM, that's fine.  But definitely don't choose someone else to be the MOH, because that can be hurtful to both people.  Just have BMs and no MOH.  There is no difference and it's NBD.

    I think my sister does have a lot going on in her life and she told my mother yesterday about not being sure if she should be in the wedding because of everything going on in her personal life and because of costs. 

    I am having a conversation with my MOH. I am getting the feeling there is more that she isn't telling me. She had very briefly mentioned that a former friend of hers took advantage of her, but she wouldn't go into the details. I also know her mother was potentially moving in with her so I am thinking she is just overwhelmed in general and unfortunately because she was not responding to texts, Facebook messages, and phone calls she doesn't really even know anything that is going on with the wedding, bridal shower, or bachelorette party. My mother, MOL, fiance, other bridesmaids, and I have all reached out to her to see even when she would be available to even attend the events, but she wouldn't respond. She works as a nurse and has a very busy scheduled and she was initially helping plan, but once people couldn't get in touch with her for about a month other people started stepping up to help, but again she doesn't know this. With how upset she was when she called me, I didn't even really get a chance to explain anything to her. 
    She doesn't need to know these things. I'm not faulting anyone for reaching out to her, especially since she was initially involved. But from here on out, just have someone (ONE person, not everyone) let her know what event is happening when. Then leave her be - about the wedding. 

    When you talk to her tomorrow, I would recommend not mentioning anything that happened up to now. Don't talk about how she hasn't responded or about the shower or anything. I'd just tell her that you're sorry you communicated to her that she'd have "responsibilities" and that you were wrong in that. Tell her there are no hard feelings regardless of what title she wants (if any) for your wedding party but that if she wants, you'd still like her to stand closest to you and hold your bouquet during the ceremony. But there's nothing else you're expecting her to do. 
    The only reason I said she would need to know these things is if she wants to attend any of them she would have to take off work. That's only if she still wants to attend which is 100% up to her. She isn't required but she is invited. When I talk to her tomorrow, I am going to tell her I would still like her to be in my wedding if she wants to. If she just wants to attend as a guest that is totally fine. I never wanted to overwhelm her or for her to think she was expected to do anything which I am also going to tell her. I will apologize because I didn't realize she was under the impression that she was expected to do anything additional. 
  • If she ulimately decides she doesn't want to be maid of honor that's fine. I know my brother who is my bridesman has asked if he could be the man of honor since she backed out, but I don't know what to think of that. It was completely his idea. 
  • edited January 8
    Also, she did say she still wants to be in the wedding just as a bridesmaid. If she still wants to attend the bridal shower and bachelorette party she is more than welcomed to, but for the bachelorette party there are still some costs associated with it. We are going to an escape room which is $25.00 per person, then a casino which the cost would at each bridesmaid discretion, and then a club within a casino, but I don't believe there is a cover charge or anything. I talked with each person prior to making any of these decisions and they said they were fine with it. We were also planning on either booking a hotel room or airbnb which all of us would be splitting the costs for. Also, on the day of the wedding anyone who wants to get their hair and makeup done is free to do so, but unfortunately I am not able to afford hair and makeup for each girl so I left it up to them, but they knew ahead of time that they would be responsible for paying for it. When I asked my MOH what she would like to do, her response was you decide. I told her I didn't want to be responsible for deciding how to spend her money because it is her money not mine. She refused to tell me so I said okay I will put you down for both, but you don't have to make a decision yet since the hair stylist/make up artist only needs a rough estimate. 
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    Also, she did say she still wants to be in the wedding just as a bridesmaid. If she still wants to attend the bridal shower and bachelorette party she is more than welcomed to, but for the bachelorette party there are still some costs associated with it. We are going to an escape room which is $25.00 per person, then a casino which the cost would at each bridesmaid discretion, and then a club within a casino, but I don't believe there is a cover charge or anything. I talked with each person prior to making any of these decisions and they said they were fine with it. We were also planning on either booking a hotel room or airbnb which all of us would be splitting the costs for. Also, on the day of the wedding anyone who wants to get their hair and makeup done is free to do so, but unfortunately I am not able to afford hair and makeup for each girl so I left it up to them, but they knew ahead of time that they would be responsible for paying for it. When I asked my MOH what she would like to do, her response was you decide. I told her I didn't want to be responsible for deciding how to spend her money because it is her money not mine. She refused to tell me so I said okay I will put you down for both, but you don't have to make a decision yet since the hair stylist/make up artist only needs a rough estimate. 
    Okay, you need to take a step back here and look at yourself. Multiple members of you family and your best friend are refusing to tell you how they actually feel or what their actual opinion is. You don't seem to realize this. If you were as understanding, sane and open-minded as you say you are, no one would be afraid to tell you that they don't want to get an expensive up-do or be afraid to buy a dress before they receive your approval. Either all of the people in your life are the meekest people ever or, more likely, you're doing something to make them feel this way. None of your problems will ever be solved if you don't realize that you're doing something wrong, find what it is and fix it. 

    Until then, you're going to keep having these problems. And we're going to keep telling you the same exact thing for every problem, just changing out the nouns (dress or shoes or grandma or MOH, etc.).

    Nearly every problem you've posted starts with you. Realize that.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    MyNameIsNotclimbingwifeInLoveInQueens
  • edited January 8
    Also, she did say she still wants to be in the wedding just as a bridesmaid. If she still wants to attend the bridal shower and bachelorette party she is more than welcomed to, but for the bachelorette party there are still some costs associated with it. We are going to an escape room which is $25.00 per person, then a casino which the cost would at each bridesmaid discretion, and then a club within a casino, but I don't believe there is a cover charge or anything. I talked with each person prior to making any of these decisions and they said they were fine with it. We were also planning on either booking a hotel room or airbnb which all of us would be splitting the costs for. Also, on the day of the wedding anyone who wants to get their hair and makeup done is free to do so, but unfortunately I am not able to afford hair and makeup for each girl so I left it up to them, but they knew ahead of time that they would be responsible for paying for it. When I asked my MOH what she would like to do, her response was you decide. I told her I didn't want to be responsible for deciding how to spend her money because it is her money not mine. She refused to tell me so I said okay I will put you down for both, but you don't have to make a decision yet since the hair stylist/make up artist only needs a rough estimate. 
    Okay, you need to take a step back here and look at yourself. Multiple members of you family and your best friend are refusing to tell you how they actually feel or what their actual opinion is. You don't seem to realize this. If you were as understanding, sane and open-minded as you say you are, no one would be afraid to tell you that they don't want to get an expensive up-do or be afraid to buy a dress before they receive your approval. Either all of the people in your life are the meekest people ever or, more likely, you're doing something to make them feel this way. None of your problems will ever be solved if you don't realize that you're doing something wrong, find what it is and fix it. 

    Until then, you're going to keep having these problems. And we're going to keep telling you the same exact thing for every problem, just changing out the nouns (dress or shoes or grandma or MOH, etc.).

    Nearly every problem you've posted starts with you. Realize that.
    My family and best friend are concerned about about causing me any additional stress on top of planning my wedding. They know that I become stressed easily and don't want to burden me with that stress. I have fibromyalgia and any additional stress causes my condition to act up. That is why I am guessing they don't want to talk to me about these types of things. I have told everyone to talk to me if there is a problem because we can work it out or talk to my fiance. I am also very opinionated which could be another reason, but they shouldn't be afraid to talk to me when I have told all of them to just tell me if something is bothering them. Just because I am opinionated doesn't mean they can't talk to me. Being opinionated doesn't stop me from being able to understand if there is a problem and helping them work it out. I have offered to even pay for anything my MOH needed help with so has my family and my fiance's family. 

    If my maid of honor had told anyone about her financial problems then we would have gladly helped. If she was afraid of telling me, she could have told my mother, grandmother, fiance, or any of the other bridesmaids. She didn't do that. Even if it were something I am doing, nothing stopped her from telling other people. Also, she had no problem telling my mother and I she doesn't like my fiance so she also could have told my mother she was having financial problems. 

    As I side note, my MOH told me that she was not in the right frame of mind when she accepted the position. She told me this when she called me to let me know she was dropping out which I had no clue about. She also said she had been taken advantage of by a former friend of her's, but wouldn't go into the details. She said she still wants to be in the wedding, but she doesn't think she is the best person for the role because her frame of mind hasn't improved like she thought it would. I love her dearly, but unfortunately I think she is keeping something from me that is going on in her every day life aside from the weddings because she is normally extremely outspoken. 
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    Also, she did say she still wants to be in the wedding just as a bridesmaid. If she still wants to attend the bridal shower and bachelorette party she is more than welcomed to, but for the bachelorette party there are still some costs associated with it. We are going to an escape room which is $25.00 per person, then a casino which the cost would at each bridesmaid discretion, and then a club within a casino, but I don't believe there is a cover charge or anything. I talked with each person prior to making any of these decisions and they said they were fine with it. We were also planning on either booking a hotel room or airbnb which all of us would be splitting the costs for. Also, on the day of the wedding anyone who wants to get their hair and makeup done is free to do so, but unfortunately I am not able to afford hair and makeup for each girl so I left it up to them, but they knew ahead of time that they would be responsible for paying for it. When I asked my MOH what she would like to do, her response was you decide. I told her I didn't want to be responsible for deciding how to spend her money because it is her money not mine. She refused to tell me so I said okay I will put you down for both, but you don't have to make a decision yet since the hair stylist/make up artist only needs a rough estimate. 
    Okay, you need to take a step back here and look at yourself. Multiple members of you family and your best friend are refusing to tell you how they actually feel or what their actual opinion is. You don't seem to realize this. If you were as understanding, sane and open-minded as you say you are, no one would be afraid to tell you that they don't want to get an expensive up-do or be afraid to buy a dress before they receive your approval. Either all of the people in your life are the meekest people ever or, more likely, you're doing something to make them feel this way. None of your problems will ever be solved if you don't realize that you're doing something wrong, find what it is and fix it. 

    Until then, you're going to keep having these problems. And we're going to keep telling you the same exact thing for every problem, just changing out the nouns (dress or shoes or grandma or MOH, etc.).

    Nearly every problem you've posted starts with you. Realize that.
    My family and best friend are concerned about about causing me any additional stress on top of planning my wedding. They know that I become stressed easily and don't want to burden me with that stress. I have fibromyalgia and any additional stress causes my condition to act up. That is why I am guessing they don't want to talk to me about these types of things. I have told everyone to talk to me if there is a problem because we can work it out or talk to my fiance. I am also very opinionated which could be another reason, but they shouldn't be afraid to talk to me when I have told all of them to just tell me if something is bothering them. Just because I am opinionated doesn't mean they can't talk to me. Being opinionated doesn't stop me from being able to understand if there is a problem and helping them work it out. I have offered to even pay for anything my MOH needed help with so has my family and my fiance's family. 

    If my maid of honor had told anyone about her financial problems then we would have gladly helped. If she was afraid of telling me, she could have told my mother, grandmother, fiance, or any of the other bridesmaids. She didn't do that. Even if it were something I am doing, nothing stopped her from telling other people. Also, she had no problem telling my mother and I she doesn't like my fiance so she also could have told my mother she was having financial problems. 

    As I side note, my MOH told me that she was not in the right frame of mind when she accepted the position. She told me this when she called me to let me know she was dropping out which I had no clue about. She also said she had been taken advantage of by a former friend of her's, but wouldn't go into the details. She said she still wants to be in the wedding, but she doesn't think she is the best person for the role because her frame of mind hasn't improved like she thought it would. I love her dearly, but unfortunately I think she is keeping something from me that is going on in her every day life aside from the weddings because she is normally extremely outspoken. 
    If you're going to admit that you're opinionated and stress easily but not change the way you communicate with and treat people and still be upset with them for not being honest with you, then I can't help you. If you don't understand why a person wouldn't want to tell their friend's freaking grandmother that he or she is having financial problems, I can't help you.

    Good luck to you. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    MyNameIsNotclimbingwife
  • edited January 8
    Also, she did say she still wants to be in the wedding just as a bridesmaid. If she still wants to attend the bridal shower and bachelorette party she is more than welcomed to, but for the bachelorette party there are still some costs associated with it. We are going to an escape room which is $25.00 per person, then a casino which the cost would at each bridesmaid discretion, and then a club within a casino, but I don't believe there is a cover charge or anything. I talked with each person prior to making any of these decisions and they said they were fine with it. We were also planning on either booking a hotel room or airbnb which all of us would be splitting the costs for. Also, on the day of the wedding anyone who wants to get their hair and makeup done is free to do so, but unfortunately I am not able to afford hair and makeup for each girl so I left it up to them, but they knew ahead of time that they would be responsible for paying for it. When I asked my MOH what she would like to do, her response was you decide. I told her I didn't want to be responsible for deciding how to spend her money because it is her money not mine. She refused to tell me so I said okay I will put you down for both, but you don't have to make a decision yet since the hair stylist/make up artist only needs a rough estimate. 
    Okay, you need to take a step back here and look at yourself. Multiple members of you family and your best friend are refusing to tell you how they actually feel or what their actual opinion is. You don't seem to realize this. If you were as understanding, sane and open-minded as you say you are, no one would be afraid to tell you that they don't want to get an expensive up-do or be afraid to buy a dress before they receive your approval. Either all of the people in your life are the meekest people ever or, more likely, you're doing something to make them feel this way. None of your problems will ever be solved if you don't realize that you're doing something wrong, find what it is and fix it. 

    Until then, you're going to keep having these problems. And we're going to keep telling you the same exact thing for every problem, just changing out the nouns (dress or shoes or grandma or MOH, etc.).

    Nearly every problem you've posted starts with you. Realize that.
    My family and best friend are concerned about about causing me any additional stress on top of planning my wedding. They know that I become stressed easily and don't want to burden me with that stress. I have fibromyalgia and any additional stress causes my condition to act up. That is why I am guessing they don't want to talk to me about these types of things. I have told everyone to talk to me if there is a problem because we can work it out or talk to my fiance. I am also very opinionated which could be another reason, but they shouldn't be afraid to talk to me when I have told all of them to just tell me if something is bothering them. Just because I am opinionated doesn't mean they can't talk to me. Being opinionated doesn't stop me from being able to understand if there is a problem and helping them work it out. I have offered to even pay for anything my MOH needed help with so has my family and my fiance's family. 

    If my maid of honor had told anyone about her financial problems then we would have gladly helped. If she was afraid of telling me, she could have told my mother, grandmother, fiance, or any of the other bridesmaids. She didn't do that. Even if it were something I am doing, nothing stopped her from telling other people. Also, she had no problem telling my mother and I she doesn't like my fiance so she also could have told my mother she was having financial problems. 

    As I side note, my MOH told me that she was not in the right frame of mind when she accepted the position. She told me this when she called me to let me know she was dropping out which I had no clue about. She also said she had been taken advantage of by a former friend of her's, but wouldn't go into the details. She said she still wants to be in the wedding, but she doesn't think she is the best person for the role because her frame of mind hasn't improved like she thought it would. I love her dearly, but unfortunately I think she is keeping something from me that is going on in her every day life aside from the weddings because she is normally extremely outspoken. 
    If you're going to admit that you're opinionated and stress easily but not change the way you communicate with and treat people and still be upset with them for not being honest with you, then I can't help you. If you don't understand why a person wouldn't want to tell their friend's freaking grandmother that he or she is having financial problems, I can't help you.

    Good luck to you. 
    I have not communicated anyway with my maid of honor because she doesn't respond. I have asked her for dates that she is off because she works every other weekend and nothing. I asked for those dates because I wanted her to be able to attend the bachelorette party, but without her response then I selected a date without her. I waited two weeks to hear back from her and nothing and my other bridesmaids needed to know to be able to put in off at work. I understand she might not have felt comfortable telling people she was having financial problems, but everyone has volunteered to help her so let them. Further, she flat out refused to use my decorator who was paid for. Why cause yourself more stress and money when the decorator was already paid for and other people are saying they will pay for the shower? Why cause yourself stress when other people say they will look at venues? I mean others have told her they would handle any costs. My mother told her she would handle planning the entire shower because she has always dreamed of my wedding and planning stuff for it. I understand me being opinionated and easily stressed might make her worry about talking to me, but she has told me thousands of times she considers my mother a second mother so she shouldn't have had a problem telling my mother. She also told my mother behind my back that she hates my fiance so if she can tell my mother that then telling her just to handle the shower on her own should have been easily especially since my mother told her she would handle it on her own and all my maid of honor had to do was say okay and pretend like she helped plan it. 
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Also, she did say she still wants to be in the wedding just as a bridesmaid. If she still wants to attend the bridal shower and bachelorette party she is more than welcomed to, but for the bachelorette party there are still some costs associated with it. We are going to an escape room which is $25.00 per person, then a casino which the cost would at each bridesmaid discretion, and then a club within a casino, but I don't believe there is a cover charge or anything. I talked with each person prior to making any of these decisions and they said they were fine with it. We were also planning on either booking a hotel room or airbnb which all of us would be splitting the costs for. Also, on the day of the wedding anyone who wants to get their hair and makeup done is free to do so, but unfortunately I am not able to afford hair and makeup for each girl so I left it up to them, but they knew ahead of time that they would be responsible for paying for it. When I asked my MOH what she would like to do, her response was you decide. I told her I didn't want to be responsible for deciding how to spend her money because it is her money not mine. She refused to tell me so I said okay I will put you down for both, but you don't have to make a decision yet since the hair stylist/make up artist only needs a rough estimate. 
    Okay, you need to take a step back here and look at yourself. Multiple members of you family and your best friend are refusing to tell you how they actually feel or what their actual opinion is. You don't seem to realize this. If you were as understanding, sane and open-minded as you say you are, no one would be afraid to tell you that they don't want to get an expensive up-do or be afraid to buy a dress before they receive your approval. Either all of the people in your life are the meekest people ever or, more likely, you're doing something to make them feel this way. None of your problems will ever be solved if you don't realize that you're doing something wrong, find what it is and fix it. 

    Until then, you're going to keep having these problems. And we're going to keep telling you the same exact thing for every problem, just changing out the nouns (dress or shoes or grandma or MOH, etc.).

    Nearly every problem you've posted starts with you. Realize that.
    My family and best friend are concerned about about causing me any additional stress on top of planning my wedding. They know that I become stressed easily and don't want to burden me with that stress. I have fibromyalgia and any additional stress causes my condition to act up. That is why I am guessing they don't want to talk to me about these types of things. I have told everyone to talk to me if there is a problem because we can work it out or talk to my fiance. I am also very opinionated which could be another reason, but they shouldn't be afraid to talk to me when I have told all of them to just tell me if something is bothering them. Just because I am opinionated doesn't mean they can't talk to me. Being opinionated doesn't stop me from being able to understand if there is a problem and helping them work it out. I have offered to even pay for anything my MOH needed help with so has my family and my fiance's family. 

    If my maid of honor had told anyone about her financial problems then we would have gladly helped. If she was afraid of telling me, she could have told my mother, grandmother, fiance, or any of the other bridesmaids. She didn't do that. Even if it were something I am doing, nothing stopped her from telling other people. Also, she had no problem telling my mother and I she doesn't like my fiance so she also could have told my mother she was having financial problems. 

    As I side note, my MOH told me that she was not in the right frame of mind when she accepted the position. She told me this when she called me to let me know she was dropping out which I had no clue about. She also said she had been taken advantage of by a former friend of her's, but wouldn't go into the details. She said she still wants to be in the wedding, but she doesn't think she is the best person for the role because her frame of mind hasn't improved like she thought it would. I love her dearly, but unfortunately I think she is keeping something from me that is going on in her every day life aside from the weddings because she is normally extremely outspoken. 
    Do you really not see that they are afraid of you? 

    You are "opinionated", "easily stressed" and have displayed a lot of controlling behavior. Of course no one is willing to talk to you. They know how you are. Your friends and family see you as a bully.
    ShesSoColdInLoveInQueens
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