Pre-wedding Parties
knottieffd308519aec5b27
member
Maid of Honor
Yesterday my maid of honor called me sobbing because she realized she is not up for the role of being the maid of honor. She was also supposed to be the maid of honor in another wedding a week after nine, but I am not sure if she is going to be anymore. She told me she did not realize how much planning, responsibility, time, energy, and money went into being a maid of honor. I knew when I picked her that it was a risk because she was sometimes difficult to get in contact with, but she has been my best friend for more than half of my life. However, I never thought she would back out of being the maid of honor. She still wants to he a bridesmaid which is perfectly fine, but now I don't have a maid of honor. Now I have five bridesmaids (1 is actually a bridesman not that it matters) and my fiance has four groomsmen (1 is actually a groomswoman) and a best man so our sides are even. Should I ask one of the other bridesmaids to be my maid of honor instead? I know when I intitally decided who my maid of honor was my sister was very upset I didn't pick her, but my sister and I were not on the best of terms and she has been back and forth if she was even going to be in the wedding. She knows my maid of honor backed out so I'm not sure if she is expecting me to ask her or not. I don't want to hurt her feelings by not asking her or asking her and making her feel like a replacement. Any advice would be great!
Re: Maid of Honor
You should have picked your MOH based on who your absolute best friend in the world is (other than your FI) and the person who you wanted to honor by asking them to stand next to you at your wedding. NOT the person who would do the most shit for you. NOT the person who would spend the most money or the person who would kiss your ass the most. If you wanted her to work for you, you should have paid her.
Somehow there's this misconception now that asking someone to be a bridesmaid = "you honor me and do whatever I want" when it's actually the opposite.
My advice is to call your friend, apologize for your behavior and expectations and tell her that you love her and you want her as your MOH, no strings attached. If she accepts, great! The only thing she NEEDS to do is arrive at your wedding on time and in the agreed upon attire. That's it. If not, be understanding and please, PLEASE do not ask anyone to be a replacement as that is super shitty to both people. Your marriage will still be valid without a MOH.
Also, even sides is ridiculous. I'm sad that symmetrical photos is more important to people that having their closest people with them, regardless of what that number is.
2) It seems that both you and your friend have some extremely absurd ideas of what it means to be MOH. Her role is to show up in the agreed upon attire, smile for photos, and hold your bouquet during the ceremony. (And possibly sign the marriage certificate, depending on local legalities). Anything else is purely optional on her part. Outside of the bouquet, she has no responsibilities or obligations beyond any other BM. (And I'm quite sure the bouquet isn't the reason she feels overwhelmed.)
What you should do now is call her up, apologize for your misguided notion that any planning, responsibility, time, energy and money should go into being MOH. The role of being MOH is an opportunity for you to honor her, not for her to work for you. If you're sincere and she decides to forgive you, you can ask her to remain as MOH. If she'd prefer to stay a BM, that's fine too. All in all, you should remember that none of this is her fault. Yes, you bought into some ridiculous wedding movie BS, but in reality, you decided that honoring your friend means she should become your free labor. No matter what the wedding industry shoved down your throat, you let this get in the way of your friendship. Remember that when you apologize to her. She's done absolutely nothing wrong.
2. Yes I asked my MOH to help plan the bridal shower which most brides do. I have 4 other bridesmaids and my mother and MIL who were also assisting with planning/paying for the bridal shower. It was never going to just be her planning/paying for it because I would never expect that from anyone. When I talked to her yesterday, I once again said I would NEVER expect her or anyone else to plan or foot the bill for the entire thing.
If she or anyone else was feeling overwhelmed, then they could have talked to me which I told her when I found out from her brother that she was feeling overwhelmed. She said she would and assured me she was so excited to plan my shower she was just concerned about costs and I offered to pay for stuff if she needed me to.
Bottom line is that you were wrong and you owe her (and it appears quite a few people) an apology. You can act like an adult and accept when you are wrong, or you can put your head in the sand and blame everyone else.
How odd that every person in your life seems to think you're expecting much more from them than you say you are! Gee, I wonder what the common denominator here is....
Edited for typo. Edited again for another typo. I am a mess.
My mother, grandmother, and MIL are all planning on going shopping together. They have asked me to attend as well. They have also showed me different styles of dresses they like which I have said were perfectly fine as long as they are comfortable.
My dad's tux has been selected and he is going to get measured this week and my future father in law apparently owns a suit which neither of us knew and plans on wearing that to the wedding.
My mother also just told me that my MOH had come to her within weeks of me getting engaged wanting to plan the bridal shower. My mother and MOH had not told me this because it was supposed to be a surprise. So when I mentioned the bridal shower weeks later neither of them let on that they were already planning on throwing one.
My mother, MIL, and grandmother have been looking at dresses online and have made plans to go together to dress shop. They asked me to go along which I said I would.
All of the tuxes have been selected and paid for. All my dad's tux is grey he likes it. My future father in law apparently owns a suit and plans on wearing that to the wedding. My fiance had no clue he owned a suit since his father normally wears jeans and a t-shirt, but after speaking with him he was informed about the suit.
So everything going on the maid of honor is really the only problem now.
That's it. Not being able to plan events or participate in stuff shouldn't negate the ability to stand next to you as originally planned.
OP, I'm assuming you or your all's parents could pay less than $20 and get her some silver flats at Amazon or Payless. Or I can't help but think she might just be using it as an excuse to drop out of the WP, because of all the bad stuff she's had going on.
Like the other PPs have said, have another talk with your MOH. I'd emphasize that she seems to mistakenly think she has all these responsibilities and costs that she doesn't. That you want her standing up with you as your MOH, simply because she is your best friend. "MOH" is an honorary title. It doesn't mean anything, outside of that. As such, if she still wants to remain a BM, that's fine. But definitely don't choose someone else to be the MOH, because that can be hurtful to both people. Just have BMs and no MOH. There is no difference and it's NBD.
When you talk to her tomorrow, I would recommend not mentioning anything that happened up to now. Don't talk about how she hasn't responded or about the shower or anything. I'd just tell her that you're sorry you communicated to her that she'd have "responsibilities" and that you were wrong in that. Tell her there are no hard feelings regardless of what title she wants (if any) for your wedding party but that if she wants, you'd still like her to stand closest to you and hold your bouquet during the ceremony. But there's nothing else you're expecting her to do.
Until then, you're going to keep having these problems. And we're going to keep telling you the same exact thing for every problem, just changing out the nouns (dress or shoes or grandma or MOH, etc.).
Nearly every problem you've posted starts with you. Realize that.
If my maid of honor had told anyone about her financial problems then we would have gladly helped. If she was afraid of telling me, she could have told my mother, grandmother, fiance, or any of the other bridesmaids. She didn't do that. Even if it were something I am doing, nothing stopped her from telling other people. Also, she had no problem telling my mother and I she doesn't like my fiance so she also could have told my mother she was having financial problems.
As I side note, my MOH told me that she was not in the right frame of mind when she accepted the position. She told me this when she called me to let me know she was dropping out which I had no clue about. She also said she had been taken advantage of by a former friend of her's, but wouldn't go into the details. She said she still wants to be in the wedding, but she doesn't think she is the best person for the role because her frame of mind hasn't improved like she thought it would. I love her dearly, but unfortunately I think she is keeping something from me that is going on in her every day life aside from the weddings because she is normally extremely outspoken.
Good luck to you.
You are "opinionated", "easily stressed" and have displayed a lot of controlling behavior. Of course no one is willing to talk to you. They know how you are. Your friends and family see you as a bully.