Oh girl, you need more than Prudie for this mess.
Dear Prudence,
I recently discovered my husband of 20-plus years has been hiding a high level of drinking from me. I happened to notice a liquor store purchase while checking our online bank statement, something I rarely do. I usually only drink if we are out, and I had no memory of drinking anything at home or seeing him drink anything at home. According to the bank statement, he was drinking about four large bottles of vodka a month. When I confronted him, he immediately confessed. I asked him how long it had been going on, and he said he thinks it started “getting more frequent” after the kids were born. That was 15 years ago! He hid the bottles in his office and then just drank in secret. All those years while I was agonizing over the right ways to raise our kids and fretting over an increasingly long list of unfinished household projects, he was drinking.
I told him we are now a dry household and that he had to stop drinking immediately and completely if he wanted to continue to live with me and the kids. It appears that he has done so. (It’s been about two weeks.) I also required that he see a therapist. The appointment has been made. Problem solved, right? But I can’t get past the duplicity. I am shattered that he hid this from me. I find myself fantasizing about talking to a divorce lawyer. Plus, I don’t really know if you can just stop drinking one day because your wife told you to. What if he’s now drinking when he drives home from work? He was apparently a pretty high-functioning drinker; he never slurred words or acted drunk. He made a comment about it helping him sleep. But maybe a bottle a week isn’t that much? Maybe this is just something that people do? Prudie, I am floundering around without a compass here, and I need some perspective on this situation from you.
—Floundering and Flabbergasted
Re: Oh girl, you need more than Prudie for this mess.
I think she has biiiiiig problems. You can't "tell" an adult you have a dry household. The person has to be on board. Giving out directives to stop drinking and go to therapy doesn't mean your problem is solved. Sheesh.
If he'd been able to hide it so long, why wouldn't he be able to hide it now?
I also think it's kind of crazy that she never knew or even had an idea. My mom was an alcoholic and I remember noticing that she was off when I was like 8.
I think LW needs to give her H some time in therapy and go from there. Maybe he is serious and is quitting. Maybe not, but I think she needs to give her marriage a couple more months to see where he's at before she throws in the towel.
Couple's counseling for the lying and deceit she feels is necessary as well, I think.
This passage is so telling. I have a feeling that the LW has been dictating to the H like this all along for all issues. Maybe her H has been going along and 'yes, dearing' her all this time, so she thinks this how this problem can be solved.
Yeah, no...that's not how alcoholism works. If he really quit cold turkey, she could end up with a dead husband.
1) Prudie is not Dr. Drew.
2) What is a "large bottle of vodka"?
3) Is that all he's drinking?
LW needs to get into couple's counseling. Some of this appears to be a bit projecting. Why would she only drink if they're out? How often is that? Is the issue of any alcohol around kids? That's striking me as a bit sanctimonious and I say this as someone who has a large alcohol stash and yet my coffee has only milk and sugar in it. It sounds off to me if the purchase of alcohol in itself is a red flag.
BUT the H needs to lay it all out on the table. How much was he drinking per day? Did he ever do this and drive under the influence? How often was he hiding this and doing this in the house without anyone knowing what was going on? Is the LW's math correct? And what's 4 large bottles? 1/5th? A handle? Was that in addition to any other alcohol?
And if it helped him sleep, where was it in the house?
There are a lot of holes in the story here and some point to the LW's observational skills, some to her beliefs on how to use alcohol and many point to her husband's hiding of his behavior. Both of them need to use their words and her H needs to be completely honest and into AA.
It in no way absolves her H of this pattern of behavior but it also tells me that maybe just maybe she is part of the problem.
I'm getting an impression of someone who is thinking that she runs a "tight ship" and that how she does things is the only way that they're done. And a rigidity in life is maybe just maybe something that's pushing her H to have more alone time in the office with his buddy Tito.
A large bottle of vodka a week is not normal!
And yeah, that LW is living in an alternate reality if she thinks dictating with the "royal we", ie "we are now a dry household," is actually going to work. I was also rolling my eyes a bit that she is now blaming the long list of "unfinished household projects" to his drinking. My H and I are usually sober. We have a long list of unfinished household projects, lol. I call that "life".
We had a set of tenants living on the other side of our duplex. They both threw their lives away with alcohol, though the husband seemed to be the bigger culprit. When they moved out...leaving most of their belongings behind for us to clean up, smh...we found DOZENS of pint bottles hidden on top of the inside moldings of the closets! We assumed that was the H trying to hide from his wife that he was drinking even more than she knew he was.
It does sound like the dude is over-doing it. But is large a 1/5th? A handle?And is he only drinking from this as the sole alcohol of the week and does he ever share?
For the sake of math a 1/5 of Tito's is about $20. And in 1/5th that is 750 oz which converts roughly to 17 shots. That's still a lot per week if you're reporting that to your MD I agree. But if this is what he's doing it's just over 2 shots a day.
All of these are warning signs but I see major concerns with the LW's approach.
1) Yes he’s daily & secret drinking, but is he an alcoholic? How much is a “big” bottle of vodka? Is it compulsive? Can he stop himself? Yes there are red flags here, but also many unanswered questions.
2) How does one person dictate anything in a partnership? Maybe that’s part of why this has been done in secret.
He’s been lying and that’s unacceptable and I get where she’s coming from. But I think the way she’s going about it is likely to lead to more problems.
If you want out, LW get out. Because even if he isn’t an alcoholic, you shouldn’t stay in a marriage you don’t want to be in.
First of all, LW rarely checks the bank statements? That is so weird to me. I totally get one person managing the money of that's what you agree on, but to never even check the statements? That's crazy.
Also, if her H has been functioning "normally" and she has had no issues with him in general (which it kind of sounds like?) and then she finds out that he's purchased vodka and is considering divorce? That sounds insane to me to uproot your life for.
And I agree with Banana that the "large bottle" a week reeaaaly depends. Because it if really is only 2-3 drinks a day, yeah that's a lot if it's EVERY DAY but most people I know could have 2-3 drinks and you'd never know it.
Not saying hubby doesn't have a drinking problem (and it should definitely be addressed if he does), but I don't really think that's this couples biggest problem.
I think they both need counseling, for different reasons. And..not to make light of what is possibly an incredibly serious problem but...I'd drink if this person was my partner, b/c they sound cold AF.
In fact, it's actually just a little concerning. If something were to happen to me, he'd be completely lost. I keep meaning to create a "cheat sheet" and put it in our safe. We also keep some spare cash in the safe, so he doesn't need an ATM card. I could see THAT being confusing, if he made withdrawals and forgot to tell me.
I realize we're in the minority with how we handle our finances. So that part of the letter was a little unusual to me. But exactly like my H is with money, so not completely surprising either.
H ended up in the hospital because of his drinking and was diagnosed with bipolar depression and OCD. Once he got into counseling and on medication, and I went into counseling for myself, I could see that being angry at him at the time was not the appropriate reaction and we've worked to get to a better place. I don't read this letter the same way that the rest of you are reading it - I see her as me this time a year ago, wondering why this was happening and why hadn't I found out sooner? I'm probably a little more sensitive to this issue because I literally was this LW a year ago and I'm more compassionate to her feelings.
I'm sorry you went through that. It does sound devastating. I'm glad your H has gotten some help and that you all are in a better place.
Her husband seems to agree with her that he has a problem ... but does he or is he just saying that because she thinks he has a problem? My H doesn't drink at all, and he might think if I had a drink a day that I was drinking too much because he legit has no clue what is too much. LW's husband might just be agreeing with her to placate her and doesn't actually think it's an issue, but who knows!
She also has a very legitimate concern about him drinking and driving. What if your partner was doing this - drinking at work and then driving home every day?!
At minimum - he's hiding something big and drinking in secret is nearly always a sign of a problem. She has a right to be upset. But why share the backstory?
Granted, it's a Prudie letter, so we don't get everything.
It's a Prudie letter so no way to know for sure, lol. But that was my impression because NOW she is worried that he is stopping for drinks on his way home from work. Whereas, she doesn't mention any concern that he was drinking and driving previously. Or a concern of "what if he had lost/loses his job", if the drinking was happening at his workplace.
But yes, it is a Prudie letter so we can't get the whole picture.
And as far as the “large bottle” goes, I’m assuming LW means a handle.
LW needs to get themselves to Al-anon.