Gay Attendant

cassfuentes · November 2012

One of my very best friends is gay and I would like him to be involved in my wedding. I have 5 bridesmaids chosen and my fi only has 4 groomsmen so the obvious thing to do should be to ask him to be a groomsman, especially since my fi loves him but I'm not totally sure he'd be comfortable spending the whole day with our other groomsmen. None of them are homophbic or anything but he is very outgoing and I know sometimes guys feel uncomfortable around him. I just dont want him to feel like he cant be himself. Do you think it would be a bad idea to ask him?

GardenMaven · November 2012

You can have 6 attendants and have your friend stand on your side. The sides don't have to be even or all one gender. Conversely, you can have him stand on with the groomsmen for the actual ceremony, but he doesn't have to spend all day with the groomsmen. There is no rule that says attendants have to hangout only with the other groomsmen/ bridesmaids the day of.

Avion22 · November 2012

If he's your friend, then he should stand on your side. He doesn't have to wear the same thing as the groomsmen, though it would be nice if he coordinated. If you fiance wants him to be a groomsmen, then he will ask. But it sounds like he's more your friend than your fiance's friend.

BTW, him being gay has absolutely nothing to do with this. At all.

cassfuentes · November 2012

He really is my friend over my fi's but they do like eachother. I like the idea of having him stand on the grooms side during the ceremony but not spending the whole day with them. And I do find it important to mention that hes gay because thats the only reason guys tend to be uncomfortable around him, subsequently making him uncomfortable. Otherwise no one would bat an eye.

Avion22 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gay-attendant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:56a41a14-38ce-4c7f-8d90-ae2656641cffPost:7e4653a9-58d7-457e-a800-5c0fd75054b7">Re: Gay Attendant</a>:
[QUOTE]He really is my friend over my fi's but they do like eachother. I like the idea of having him stand on the grooms side during the ceremony but not spending the whole day with them. And I do find it important to mention that hes gay because thats the only reason guys tend to be uncomfortable around him, subsequently making him uncomfortable. Otherwise no one would bat an eye.
Posted by cassfuentes[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>If you didn't want our advice, why did you ask?</div><div>
</div><div>Your friends go on your side. Your fiance's friends go on his side. If he WANTS your friend on his side, he will ask him. You shouldn't have any say in who stands on his side. Sides don't have to be even. </div><div>
</div><div>It still doesn't matter that he's gay. If your fiance's friends were bothered by Muslims, would it matter if your friend was Muslim? I hope not. But if you think there will be "discomfort" based on your friend's individual differences, then that's all the more reason to have him stand on YOUR side. </div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

Simply Fated · November 2012

In Response to Re:Gay Attendant:[QUOTE]He really is my friend over my fi's but they do like eachother. I like the idea of having him stand on the grooms side during the ceremony but not spending the whole day with them. And I do find it important to mention that hes gay because thats the only reason guys tend to be uncomfortable around him, subsequently making him uncomfortable. Otherwise no one would bat an eye. Posted by cassfuentes[/QUOTE]

"...those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." Dr. Seuss

The fact that he's gay isn't the problem, if the other guys aren't homophobic.
He can hang out with you on the day of and stand either on your side or his side during the ceremony.
Ask him what he wants to do.
How the other guys feel about him being there doesn't matter.

cassfuentes · November 2012

I did want advice and I got some good advice. The fact that his orientation makes people act weird around him is valid, even well intentioned people. And my fi and I discussed this before and he liked the idea, I'm not forcing him to ask my friend, but we both know how people act when I bring my friend around and thats why I came here for advice, which some very helpful people are offering.

thejucheidea · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gay-attendant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:56a41a14-38ce-4c7f-8d90-ae2656641cffPost:6c85df63-4d95-4558-b2a4-cfbb2da77cd0">Re: Gay Attendant</a>:
[QUOTE]The fact that his orientation makes people act weird around him is valid, even well intentioned people.
Posted by cassfuentes[/QUOTE]

There is <strong><em><u>NOTHING</u></em></strong> valid about acting weird about someone who has a different sexual orientation or, for that matter, isn't cisgendered.<strong><em> <u>NOTHING</u></em></strong>. Your fiance's friends need to tone down the douche and just deal with it. Maybe they'll actually learn something about tolerance.

krizzo17 · November 2012

I seriously hope this post is MUD, but I have a bad feeling it isn't.

If the rest of the groomsmen aren't mature enough to be comfortable around someone who isn't exactly like them, you might want to reconsider the people with whom you surround yourselves.

Meghannsix · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gay-attendant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:56a41a14-38ce-4c7f-8d90-ae2656641cffPost:9bf2f300-6c02-4d85-9ddd-405214f89d92">Re: Gay Attendant</a>:
[QUOTE]The sexual preferences of your attendants are nobody's business. I'm sure your friend is used to handling awkward comments from ignorant people.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

This. The fact that he's gay has nothing to do with anything. The fact that he's a boy has nothing to do with anything. He's your friend, he should be on your side.

[Deleted User] · November 2012

If your FIs friends are going to make him uncomfortable (which, by the way, would make me have serious problems with my FIs friends, but that's my issue with people who are intolerant of different sexual orientations), then have him on your side. If you're REALLY worried about it looking uneven, maybe have him stand with FI but have him come get ready with you and your girls, take pictures with you all, etc. I mean, if he's your best friend, wouldn't you want him there with you while you get ready and all, not sitting around uncomfortably with a bunch of people who are biased against him?

achiduck · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gay-attendant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:56a41a14-38ce-4c7f-8d90-ae2656641cffPost:9bf2f300-6c02-4d85-9ddd-405214f89d92">Re: Gay Attendant</a>:
[QUOTE]The sexual preferences of your attendants are nobody's business. I'm sure your friend is used to handling awkward comments from ignorant people.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

This.

Your sides don't have to be even or gender specific.

melb2013 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gay-attendant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:56a41a14-38ce-4c7f-8d90-ae2656641cffPost:9da4c41d-a47c-40e9-bc48-251d283d0501">Re:Gay Attendant</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I think she's saying it's valid as in "it was valid information to put in the post" because the other guys act weird about him, not that them acting weird is valid.</strong> At least I HOPE that's what she's saying. I don't think it was particularly well worded, but I think the fact that the other guys are uncomfortable around him IS pertinent information in this case. And I'm usually the first one to say "the fact that they are gay is totally irrelevant". OP, have him get ready with you guys and then stand on whichever side you and your FI prefer, but I would personally have him stand on my side if he were my friend.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>That's what I got from this immediately. I think you guys are judging her too quickly. OP, if you really don't want your friend to be uncomfortable, then put him on your side. For that matter, he should be on your side no matter what because he's your friend. I'm having a male attendant stand next to me (who happens to be gay, but that's not why he's standing there).

</div>

KellyBrian2013 · November 2012

And news flash, OP... if your FI's friends act weird around your friend and are uncomfortable solely because he is gay, they ARE homophobic whether they choose to label themselves that way or not. You don't have to be someone who bullies or bashes gays to be homophobic, and the fact that his being of a different sexual orientation is enough to make FI's friends act weird to the point of making your friend uncomfortable? Yeah, call it what it is. Or as Morgan Freeman said, "They're not homophobic because they aren't scared. They're just asswholes."

KellyBrian2013 · November 2012

Ha Stage. We posted at the same time... major i2i

thurmanpowell · November 2012

I'm actually going to break the lil circlejerk going on here and say you should ask your friend which side he would rather be on.

I say this because my FI's good, female friend got married years ago and had him as her "Man of Honor" (an idea which I believe she got from this website) and he absolutely hated it. He hates to even bring it up because he felt uncomfortable being on the "women's side." She was his best friend, and he was there for her but he would have much preferred to be on the grooms side.

It might be a non-issue entirely, just tell him the facts like you did here (although don't speculate about how he feels about the other groomsmen) say you'd like him to be in the wedding and ask him which side he prefers.

Also, I don't get why people are focusing on whether or not the other groomsmen are homophobic. They aren't here, they aren't directly her friends (at least it doesn't sound that way) and you aren't helping. It looks like you guys are just fishing for an excuse to start drama.

thurmanpowell · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gay-attendant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:56a41a14-38ce-4c7f-8d90-ae2656641cffPost:8b875ff9-390f-4f7c-b3f0-a8f48253aa81">Re: Gay Attendant</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Gay Attendant : Because OP seems to be pretty close to this guy and if her FI's friends are all homophobic, there's a good chance it's going to cause serious relationship friction down the road.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I don't disagree with that. However, that's not the issue at hand, and it's certainly not a reason to chastise her.

Calypso1977 · November 2012

if he stands on your side (which is perfectly acceptable, btw) is the expectation then that he spends the day with the girls? just because he is gay doesnt mean he'd want to hang out with a bunch of women all day either. gay men do like to do guy things.

thurmanpowell · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gay-attendant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:56a41a14-38ce-4c7f-8d90-ae2656641cffPost:3391f401-0db6-4412-9a87-07a296b4b501">Re: Gay Attendant</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Gay Attendant : Please show me where I chastised her. And sorry, but I think "have you really thought this through because it might be a dealbreaker resulting in NO ceremony" kind of does relate to issues of planning the details of said ceremony.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Where did I make this about you?

Also... how in the world is this a deal breaker on their marriage? My FI has friends I don't like, I have friends he doesn't like, and there are certainly friends we have that would make the other's friends uncomfortable but that doesn't mean we shouldn't get married.

EDIT: reading the opening post again, OP doesn't say that her friend and the groomsmen have even met before, or that any of them have ever done something homophobic around her. She just thinks her friend is "uncomfortable" around other guys. What does that even mean? He's a big boy, he can handle himself i'm sure.

Jen4948 · November 2012

If your FI wants him on his side, everyone needs to accept him as he is, regardless of the discomfort level. If they can't do that, I think he's better off standing up on your side because he doesn't deserve any rudeness or exclusion for being gay.

s-aries8990 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gay-attendant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:56a41a14-38ce-4c7f-8d90-ae2656641cffPost:55288c81-e4be-4755-83b2-6b738990901c">Re: Gay Attendant</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Gay Attendant : Where did I make this about you? Also... how in the world is this a deal breaker on their marriage? My FI has friends I don't like, I have friends he doesn't like, and there are certainly friends we have that would make the other's friends uncomfortable but that doesn't mean we shouldn't get married. EDIT: reading the opening post again, OP doesn't say that her friend and the groomsmen have even met before, or that any of them have ever done something homophobic around her. She just thinks her friend is "uncomfortable" around other guys. What does that even mean? He's a big boy, he can handle himself i'm sure.
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

It <em>can </em>be a deal breaker because, even if her FI doesn't care for this guy, he still needs to RESPECT every one of her friends and treat them in a way that doesn't make them uncomfortable.

thurmanpowell · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gay-attendant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:56a41a14-38ce-4c7f-8d90-ae2656641cffPost:26e0a005-7b0f-4c05-ba3e-6d0a1174b0c4">Re: Gay Attendant</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Gay Attendant : It can be a deal breaker because, even if her FI doesn't care for this guy, he still needs to RESPECT every one of her friends and treat them in a way that doesn't make them uncomfortable.
Posted by sydaries[/QUOTE]

reread OP's posts. Her FI is also friends with this guy.

thurmanpowell · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gay-attendant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:56a41a14-38ce-4c7f-8d90-ae2656641cffPost:a2b41bde-32a1-4511-aa1e-64e17ce8f739">Re: Gay Attendant</a>:
[QUOTE]I assumed since I was the one you were quoting and replying to that your statements at least included me if not being directed solely at me. My mistake. And I did not say it WAS a dealbreaker, I said it COULD BE. There is a difference between having friends the other doesn't like and having friends whose beliefs and subsequent behaviors are at direct odds with the morals and ethics of your household. How will FI react if it comes down to one or the other? Who gets to come over and who gets left out of parties/game nights/dinners/etc if the problem becomes worse? The gay friend who's only "wrong" is being different, or the 4 guys H has known for years who can't handle being different. DH has, on mulitple occassions, kicked his own FAMILY out of our home (once in the middle of a fairly major event) for making my best friend uncomfortable due to his orientation. You can bet your ass if he was the kind of man who sided with someone because they were family/"his" friends/etc in a situation like that, we would have SERIOUS marital issues as a result.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

My first post doesn't qoute anyone, the second did quote you because I was extrapolation on what you had said in response for my first post, but I was not in any way trying to single you out.

Also, I agree with all the other stuff you've posted. However, there is nothing in what OP wrote to suggest that any of this stuff is an issue.

StephBeanWed61502 · November 2012

I am aware this probably makes me something of an asswhole, but I really hope Thurman and NYU thunderdome one say soon. As for OP's question, I think it's ridiculous to even consider putting someone on one side or another solely because of their gender. My coincidentally, very straight brother was my MOH, and I promise you, no one's head exploded from the uneven sides this created.

Calypso1977 · November 2012

stage, i only made that comment because ive seen on here questions people have asked, for example, about having a gay male attendant come to the shower (that's all female) as if there was some disjoined connection about a gay male wanting to go to female events.

mrskloop · November 2012

I was a BM in my friend's wedding and she had a "bridesman," which was her best friend from college, who happened to be a gay male. There was no awkward convo about who he would spend the day with, he just happened to prefer to get ready with the guys, since that is what he is, regardless of what gender he prefers to date. The bride was a little upset for all of a half a second because when asked why he didn't want to be hanging out with her all day, he said why would I want to watch a bunch of girls get their hair done and makeup put on. He PREFERRED to hang out with all the guys since it takes them 15 minutes to shower and get their tuxes on. Then, he hung out with the girls while we were waiting to walk down the aisle. Everyone was happy. If you and your FI want him to stand with the groomsmen and if he feels uncomfortable hanging out with them all day, he can still hang out with you and the girls if that is what he prefers. You never know, him and the groomsmen may just get along. We have a groomsman for my wedding that is gay and it never even occurred to me that anyone would be uncomfortable, so you may just be over-thinking it.

Calypso1977 · November 2012

It's like girls who tell you about their male best friend but quickly tack on that he's gay so that everyone is sure to know there's nothing improper about their relationship.

omg yes!!

thurmanpowell · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gay-attendant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:56a41a14-38ce-4c7f-8d90-ae2656641cffPost:f2e80b64-38f5-4483-b305-2e79e8fd6d75">Re:Gay Attendant</a>:
[QUOTE]I am aware this probably makes me something of an asswhole, <strong>but I really hope Thurman and NYU thunderdome one say soon. </strong>As for OP's question, I think it's ridiculous to even consider putting someone on one side or another solely because of their gender. My coincidentally, very straight brother was my MOH, and I promise you, no one's head exploded from the uneven sides this created.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

What?

Also... why? What about "ask him which side he'd like to be on" offends you so much? OR are you just trolling?

QueerFemme · November 2012

OP, he should be on YOUR side. I hear you when you say that your FI likes him too, but you have made it pretty clear that he is really YOUR friend, so the only reason you would even suggest that he be on your FI's side, is that he has a penis.

If he was a female friend, would you suggest that she stand on your FI's side, just to even out the sides? Probably not.

Personally, I think, your friend, your bridal party, he can get ready with you and your BMs, but honestly, what flucking difference does that make? He can get ready at home if he wants to, and meet you at the venue. Ask HIM where he feels comfortable getting ready, and let that be the decision. But, either way, have him walk and stand on your side.

If your FI's friends are homophobes, I would honestly have a very long conversation with them and tell them that if anyone acts like an asshole while getting ready, or during the ceremony, or at the reception, you will have them forcibly removed and that you have a zero tolerance policy for homophobia at your wedding. They can either get the fluck over themselves or wrap their assses up in duct tape for protection, but either way, they better not act like idiots.

See!? Like magic. Problem solved.

stantokm · November 2012

I feel like I'm beating a dead horse because you already have some good replies, but just let your friend know that you really want him to be in the wedding party and ask which side he'd like to stand on and THEN tell him that he can choose his own schedule on the wedding day as far as who he gets ready with or who he hangs out with. I doubt there will be any problems.

StephBeanWed61502 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gay-attendant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:56a41a14-38ce-4c7f-8d90-ae2656641cffPost:0cd0a6b6-92be-4d4e-8b0c-4d13e4a28773">Re:Gay Attendant</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Gay Attendant : What? Also... why? What about "ask him which side he'd like to be on" offends you so much? OR are you just trolling?
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

1. Thunderdome = get into an epic argument in a thread. You're two of the most hard-headed, irrational people I've ever seen post on these boards, and watching the two of you go at each other would help me pass a slow week at work. I admitted already this makes me an asswhole, but there it is.

2. And why would you need to ask? If she was asking us about including a female friend who was closer with her but also friends with her FI, no one would say "ask what side she wants to be on." Even asking him singles him out based on his gender and sexual orientation, which, to me, is ridiculous. To you, it's apparently fine to treat someone differently based on their gender and sexual orientation. To each their own. (Although I will note that only one of us would be exposed to a harassment lawsuit if we each applied our chosen logic in the workplace.)

Gay Attendant

Re: Gay Attendant

Choose Another Board

Search Boards