People inviting themselves

smbrindley · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_people-inviting-themselves-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c33f9400-8757-48bb-a088-1b2d58e534c2Post:331bceee-7270-4aea-9315-d77131b983ec">Re: People inviting themselves</a>:
[QUOTE]So, I'm looking at some people bringing kids along. What do I do if they show up to the ceremony and reception with family in tow? If they're kids that are 3 and under, I'm assuming they'll eat off of mommy's plate, but if they're teenagers? Am I within my rights to throw people out? Because that's what my gut says to do, although I know it doesn't set the right tone for guests...or the FMIL. Any thoughts? Previous experiences? I really don't want to be the one to tell my FMIL to pass along the fact that only those on the RSVPs are (duh) invited; I don't think it's my place.
Posted by sdvora[/QUOTE]

<div>It is <u>definitely</u> your place to "clarify" with you FMIL who is invited and who isn't. You don't want the stress of worrying about who's going to show on you big day and you definitely don't want to throw people out at the reception; that just makes you look bad in front of EVERYONE! A stern clarification may up set the FMIL, but she's still invited! If she was paying for anything, it might be different.</div><div>
</div><div>I'd tell the guests in question to think of the wedding as their own romantic "kid free" get away. Then you're not being mean; you're giving them a fun opportunity!</div>

kmarkey06 · February 2010

If anyone says that, just end the conversation politely, then simply don't invite them. Wedding receptions are by invitation only, they can go to your ceremony, but if they show up to your reception(if they manage to find out where it is) and there is no place card for them, then oh well and they have to leave. End of story, I wouldn't stress over it.

kmarkey06 · February 2010

Don;'t let it get to you! There is always someone who has to put their two cents in!

Classicoyote · February 2010

That's a tough one. We have only included the children of our immediate family and those of our bridal party.

My question is how to handle a relative who asked "since so and so won't be able to make it, can I bring my friend in his/her place?" Because of limited funds we can't include dates for single family members or other guests.

Any suggestions? Our invitiations haven't even gone out yet and I'm already getting questions like this.

Dragonfly333 · February 2010

So glad to hear that I'm not alone in this! I've had a few annoying run-in's:

Also, a friend I invited as a single asked if she could bring her long-time on and off boyfriend and said that if he can't come she may bring a new guy that she just started to date as her plus one.

I invited another friend from childhood and her husband, and she asked if since her husband can't come, she can bring her sister instead.

I told them both that we have a limited number of people we can invite and that there are several of my friends I'm not able to invite and have asked them to hold off until I know the numbers and that I'll let them know if we have room for more, but no promises. On one hand I feel like I should allow them to bring these people b/c they're likely to have more fun, but on the other hand, I think it's rude to assume and to ask. Still not sure what I'll do about it.

nnatinsky · February 2010

I have no idea what to do. My wedding is next weekend (3/6/10) and I just receieved an RSVP from a second cousin, who obviously mailed the RSVP really really late. I think it was rude for her to mail the RSVP a week before the wedding. I already am at capacity with guests and honestly over capacity by 15 people. It was supposed to be 150 guests, now its 164. There isn't a singe open chair for a spot for lunch, what do I do? Tell her it's going to be a full house in a joking way? Or just not create a seating arrangement for her and her husband? I like the second idea cause it's just as rude as she was mailing her invite a week before!

Mrs. Metz · February 2010

@ brooklynpaisle> I LOVE those colors in your pic! The purple is a color of royalty and you complimented it well with the bright greens and yellows! Good job. I have just been inspired! : )

Back to the topic at hand, personally I would not inform any outsiders of our wedding plans. I am thinking of having a guest list at the door so if your name isn't on the list then you are not going to be able to participate in the reception. This is due to a tight budget. Sorry.

sdvora · February 2010

Scully 967,

I had professionally printed invites, but I made the RSVPs myself. I wrote at the top: "Kindly inform us of your preference by MM/DD"

Then, it said:

Mr. John Doe

___Prime Rib ____Chicken _____ FIsh _____regrettably decline

Mrs. Jane Doe

___Prime Rib ____Chicken _____ FIsh _____regrettably decline

And if the person is single, I still did the same thing with only their name. I'm having a sit-down dinner, though. If you're having a buffet, and you don't need to know what each person is eating, you could still do:

Mr. John Doe

____joyfully accept ______regretfully decline

By not doing the standard:

Number attending____

You're not letting the guest decide how many people they feel like bringing along. I've never understood how anyone comfortably uses those standardized RSVPs -- they just encourage people to think they bring along anyone they want!

WhitneyPower · February 2010

My family gathered recently over a tragedy and I saw aunts/cousins I had not seen in years who barged in while I was trying on my wedding dress for my mom and grandmother to see. They fell all over the dress and all said they could not wait until the wedding. They spent the next two days asking me about wedding details and I indulged without offering an invitation openly. Then came the facebook messages. These people ARE family but some are not even people I would recognize if I bumped into them at the store. I know it will make future get-togethers really awkward if I don't invite them and I can't use the "just family" line because they are related. And it's not like they directly asked or begged to come, they just assumed they were invited without a second thought. If I invite them, they probably wont even make the trip into the state but I'm not sure. I can't afford to increase the guest list but I don't want to hurt their feelings. Help!?

molson060 · February 2010

I would totally laugh... not in their face of course, but most definately be cracking up inside. I would infor them that it's a family only event even if it's a white lie, you can't just invite your self to a wedding. It doesn't work like that. I have a friend that I'm inviting, and her mom has a disgusting mouth, that I would totally be embarrased to have anywhere near any of my family. Anyways her and i had a falling out because of inappropriate things she said in front of my FH and MOH. She tried telling me that, "eventhough I was mad at her, I had to invite her to our wedding, because she wouldn't miss it for the world." Nope Nope Nope... Invitation Only, and I 'd make sure the Day of Wedding coordinator or someone knew that if they're not on the list they ain't getting in! Good Luck Best Wishes.

molson060 · February 2010

That is insane... It's your wedding remember that. If they are seriously getting upset and mad bcuz they can't be there then tough! Just remember that if they really care about you they will understnd and come to terms with the fact that they weren't invited, and ultimately thay should just be happy for you. My FH and I were having problems with our guest list too, it seriously was at 150+ we got carried away with people we though needed to be there, blah, blah, blah. In the end we got down to the nity gritty and broke our guest list down into 3 categories... 1) those who must be invietd, 2) those who should be invited, and 3) those who would be nice to invite. It was way easier to take control that way. Now we're at half the number of people from before. Good Luck. Best wishes!
PS Bridezilla stay away... this is your happy time and it should be fun and a stress free as possible!
Happy Planning

lalpiger · February 2010

sdvora,

This is a wonderful RSVP idea. Thanks for posting! I too was worried about the "_____ number of guests" RSVP card because I feel like it gives guests free reign to add their children or friends, but this makes it much more clear. Will there still be people who bring uninvited children or significant others? Probably. But at least the number will be smaller. All the stress I've felt from simply hurting people's feelings who did not receive one of the save-the-dates I sent out a couple days ago has gotten me really worried about invitations. Now I feel better!

toshia94 · February 2010

I've read that if you haven't spoken to someone in a year, they shouldn't be invited.

we are running into the same problem, and we just tell people "we're limited to 100 people at our reception venue, and my family is so large that we're inviting family only".

this works for me because I do have a HUGE family - but you can always use your venue as the excuse!

but yeah, if someone said " tell me when/where to come drink your beer" I'd tell them to screw off

Bellamor · February 2010

I guess every bride and groom who are planning a ceremony and reception go through the same things.

I don't even know where to begin.

I wanted 150 which I knew was going to be difficult given that our entire church body thinks they are supposed to attend as if we don't have family & friends outside the church. Then we decided to give each of our parents a set number of additional guests we may have overlooked. Anyone beyond the set number, the parent has to pay for at the rate of $100 per person. Did I mention WE are paying for the entire thing ourselves and we ARE NOT wealthy?
Anyway, wild guest as to who has 11 people over their allotment? I just better get the money in advance or they will not be included in the final count and the person who added them to the list, will have to do the explaining.

Anyway, with our parents and the few children in our wedding program, photographer, videoographer, and DJ, our absolute cap was 180 people. We are now at 230!! We sent out awesome "Save-the- Dates" and then the calls began. People began lobbying us and all of our parents. There have been many concessions made on our part and I'm pretty certain that about 30 -40 people on the list won't come, they just want an invitation and will send a gift. So, no big deal but of course . . .

PEOPLE ARE STILL LOBBYING and they are driving me crazy. My FH loves that he has seen no bridezilla signs but I have had enough. I think when this woman posted a message on our wedding website (for the world to see) about only finding out about it after seeing the save-the-date- magnet on someone else's fridge and she expects an invitation, that was it. Well actually, maybe it was when a woman told my FH she doesn't care if she is invited, she's known for crashing weddings so she will see him there. Or perhaps it was when a cousin I only met once in my entire life called my mom all upset and asked her why he was not invited. I just can't seem to pinpoint the exact event but I am sooo ready to tell the next person off!!

It is not just rude, it is classless and tacky to do what all of these people are doing. I just don't know where they come from.

One thing I know: I am determined to not entertain all the insanity. The focus for me is not the wedding, it has and always will be the marriage. I want a beautiful, sacred ceremony and I want invited guests to have an incredible experience at the reception. This is more stressful than I realized it would be but because I have a true partner who I can confide in and trust, I'm only stressed until I talk to him and then it all is okay. I guess that's why I'm marrying him!!

Be strong my sisters.

marthanjaime · February 2010

SMS you are so right! If your not invited why make it akward....
My Fiance has this Co-worker who is sooo tacky she would ask him constantly, "Where is my invitation?" So, pushy...I think when people start inviting themselves you need to nip it right then and there. Don't just brush it off beccause some people will take no answer as a Yes. Im seriouse! My fiance had to send a mass email to his co-workers explainig how he would love to invite everyone but we are having a small wedding etc...as this girl had the nerve to still ask, "so, what your saying is I can't come?"

jpags20 · February 2010

I think that saying we are keeping it small is a great answer.
I also have a question - I have "friends of the family" that are my parents friends that will be invited - but not their sons - they dont go anywhere with out them - so what do I do if they assume the whole family is invited - none of my parents other friends grown children will be invited either. We have to draw the line somewhere... right? Also these sons have been charged with robbery and I dont want to worry about my gifts being stolen.

marthanjaime · February 2010

I=@ jpag. I think you should talk to your parents first and once you get them on the same page you are on they can help you by having the conversation with their friends. You dont want people at your wedding you cant trust either. Remember its your wedding

klarissa_witha_k · February 2010

My suggestion on people bringing kids is: when they rsvp, you'll have their address and you could find their phone number that way. Or just plan on hiring someone to potentially watch the kids that do show up so that they're in another location and don't become a distraction.

Erin Pace · February 2010

If anyone feels uncomfortable with their uninvited guests, let me help you feel better.

my fiance has a step-cousin who (about a week before we were engaged) wrote him a nasty drunken fb message bad mouthing me (even though i've never met her) and saying i'm self obsessed and don't care about him. He left his fb on and thinking i was on mine, checked my messages, and I was the one who found it. (yayyy, welcome to the family!)

anyway, after he asked her why she did this she laughed it off (responded omg hahaha i was soooo wasted) and said she doesn't even remember doing it. (she is an alcoholic and has been to rehab twice)

then, after consideration on my part, i decided i really felt uncomfortable with her being at the wedding. I mean she obviously has creepy step-cousin feelings for him, and who knows what would happen if she got trashed at our reception? I can just imagine her grabbing the mic and declaring her undying love for my husband and calling me a b**** in front of our families and friends....

she then responded saying that she lied before, she wasn't drunk - in fact she has NO idea where the message came from. that someone must have gotten on her facebook and written it to him. So apparently, someone who knows all three of us, has feelings for my fiance, something against me, and who knows that they are cousins. (one line in the original message read "if she's great in bed, hey, good for you...but otherwise don't dip the buddah in gold and rub for good luck...and yeah that's me, your nosy cousin, get used to it.") ?!?!?!?

WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?!
email her back and say....um sorry, you are a liar, don't come to our wedding.
unfortunately, my fiance has been step-cousins with her since they were 6. so they've known each other for their entire lives.
or do i say "ohhhh, so sorry about someone hacking into your fb, see you at the wedding!"

zitaturtle · February 2010

That would be way stressful. If it was me, and if after 3 or 4 attempts of making the FH tell the FMIL didn't work, I would call her and tell her myself. I would tell her your budget, and the cost per person and that you can't afford to include the children. I would even work it so that you ask her to help you. I think FMILs like that. Thats how mine is anyway (and she can be a serious pain too). Tell her your stressed and that you really need her help, who knows, it may work out well. Honesty is always the way to go. Good luck!

babygrl6453 · February 2010

We aren't having an all out meal, just fruits, and vegis and crackers & cheese, stuff like that. Also haveing a cash bar (we're paying for it ourselves also). I've told people that its a cash bar and snacks, don't know if their will be enough tables if they show up, but they can come party with us... and buy their own drinks! Haven't upset anyone yet.

Cattails21 · February 2010

If you don't want people with children to bring the kids with you really do need to put that on the invites. Most family's assume that all people in the family unit are invited to the wedding and reception unless so stated.

Andys_babycakes · February 2010

I know I didn't really announce my engagement... but I had a cousin text me out of the blue the other night " why didn't you tell your favorite cousin that you were getting married. i better be invited"... What's funny is she hasn't been my "favorite" cousin in more that 10 years. She is a horrible mother and steals from her parents and our grandma. I was going to invite her, just because it's obvious I can't get married w/ out everyone finding out. But her text really rubbed me the wrong way.

I have more none blood family that I'd like to invite than actual blood relatives.

crysnew · February 2010

Since you're excitement is shown on Facebook, can't you say so mething to the effect of "I'm so excited to get married!!! If I could, I would invite everyone from Facebook, BUT I CAN'T!!!
And if your future inlaws won't call people and uninvite the kids, can you post it to your website that no kids are allowed?
I realize that some of his friends will have hurt feelings. But they'll get over it. My budget won't. I can always send announcements and have a celebration for those I was unable to invite to the ceremony.

durga826 · February 2010

It's a hard situation, and I'll bet every bride has faced it. I've told people that I'd love to invite them but the budget is what it is and we both have fairly large families so most of our wedding will be family.

Fortunately for me, the three times I've had to say that haven't ended badly. All three times they were gracious and one was even apologetic!

RockwellG · February 2010

SDVORA, I think your fiance should tell his mom that the kids aren't invited but if he won't stand up to her then I'm afraid you have to. It is an easier problem to solve before the wedding, than on the wedding day. The last thing you want to be thinking about during your wedding, is not invited guests showing up and trying to find seats/food for them or starting a confrontation by turning people away. If your new family shows up with kids in tow and you turn them away at your wedding, you've made a public fool of them. If you tell them before the wedding that the children aren't invited then they are only private fools. I think you need to have a straight forward conversation with FMIL about who was actually invited and if she is inviting children that you did not invite then she needs to rectify that.

Good luck and I hope it works out.

jnbonessa · February 2010

I am having an issue with my fiance's aunt. She is dating this guy and they are engaged to be married. She has two children and he has three. She called my fiance to make sure to change their inivitation from 4 guests to 7. None of us have even met this guy and we almost never see her or her two kids and we are only inviting 120 people to our wedding. I was extremely ticked-off that she seems to think that all 7 of them need to go to our wedding in Michigan when they all live in Colorado. I told my fiance that there is no reason that he has to bring his three kids to our wedding. They aren't even part of his family, yet. I just thought it was extremely inconsiderate. Especially since my family is taking care of 100% of this wedding. I just thought it would have been nice if she would have asked before she just threw that at us. We have already had to cut 60 people out of our original guest list before she "reminded us" that her fiance's three kids will be joining them.

ashley.nicole10 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_people-inviting-themselves-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c33f9400-8757-48bb-a088-1b2d58e534c2Post:331bceee-7270-4aea-9315-d77131b983ec">Re: People inviting themselves</a>:
[QUOTE]My question is what to do about people who think they can just bring their children along to the wedding, and show up with them. Long story short -- I am pretty sure that my FMIL thinks that everyone's kids are invited to the wedding (she sent me an email to let me know who everyone's kids are on her side of the family). FH and I made handmade RSVPs which listed each invitees' name, so that they could RSVP individually, and let us know what their choice was for the sit-down meal. So, anyone with half a brain should realize that the only people invited are those on the RSVPs, right? [/QUOTE]

<div>Ok, I have had to recently deal with this issue. My FH and I are haveing an Adults Only destination wedding in Cabo..and we made sure to put on our wedding website, and the invites that this was an "Adults Only" event. </div><div>
</div><div>My suggestion to you is to never ever assume that your guests know that only the people on the RSVP are invited...Always be upfront and just tell them what is going on. If your FH wont call your FMIL and let her know then unfortunately you will have to be the bearer of bad news. If you dont feel that your FMIL is going to pass on the info, I would post it in bold capitalized letters on your wedding website, and also, do some leg work and call each guests individually and just say something like "I am sorry but we forgot to include an important piece of info on our RSVP's..this is an 18 and Up wedding event" Always be polite and sunny about it, and let them know that you hope to see them there, but if they cant make it because of the kids then you will miss them!</div><div>
</div><div>Good luck! I know that we lost a lot of guests because they were angry that they couldn't bring their kids. ...We figured it would be a great mini vacation away from the kiddios...but I guess some of our guests didnt agree...Oh well..lol</div>

Michele_Kelley · February 2010

I would let th FIL tell them himself and make sure that it was his goof and not your's.

luvandpeace · February 2010

i have had this problem with co-workers and what i say is that i would love to invite all of you but our guest list is limited and we are only going to be able to invite immediate family due to budget constraints

People inviting themselves

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