People inviting themselves

kellyandmatt2010

I have kind of a humorous story about this topic. One of my friends got married last summer (we were in the same sorority). And for some reason...god only knows why she did this...she posted an email to the sorority email folder saying that some of the invitations got lost in the mail. Well one girl who was never invited in the first place, emailed her back and said "Oh hunny I'm sorry to hear about the invitations. I think mine was one of the ones that got lost so this is me RSVPing for me and my boyfriend. See you at the wedding" hahahaha. She ended up going to the wedding and we were all so confused because we knew she wasn't invited. Oh man...some people.

erinaustenabbott

This might seem a little sneaky, but we were having the same problem... (I own a store and regular customers were coming in and talking about coming to the wedding---I don't even know some of their last names.) Anyway... we just sent out the emails needed to get addresses from would be guests... What they don't all know is that some of them are only getting a "We got married!" announcement postcard after the fact... It was our way of dealing with inviting everyone in the small town that we live in. 

We are having a small, family only wedding (on a Wednesday), then a party for friends 10 days later. We gave ourselves lots of excuses to avoid the rude, want-to-be party crasher. They won't know what's coming when.... Now if we could just get those that are invited to send in their RSVP's... 

dollwedding

a friends mother called me and left me a voicemail where her voice started cracking then proceeded to start bawling because her daughter is not invited to my wedding.

yikes.

good luck everyone.

Jamie303

I went to high school in Nebraska, and weddings there are a lot different then where I live now. I heard a girl I went to high school with had 1200 people are her reception because in the land of the Good Life, everyone is invited. 

I'm trying to keep it to 120 (which is proving impossible) and people from Nebraska are emailing me inviting themselves to my wedding. 

alowe925

I would honestly just tell them like it is. Also, like someone else mentioned you can always laugh it off and change the subject so then they don't have times or locations.

eebjvs11

I have had this happen to me as well. Both my fiance and I come from very large Italian families so limiting the guest list to only family and very close friends has us at about 450 people... yes, crazy I know.  So, even though I am a year and a half away, people have said things like "I don't even care if I'm not invited, I'm showing up!" and it really just makes me want to punch them in the face because it's just completely rude! I really want to say, "Um, no you're not because if you do and I didn't invite you I will beat your ass in my wedding dress!"  But, usually what I do is say, "Well since we have such large families we're really just limiting the guest list to family only, sorry."  I don't feel bad at ALL when I tell people that - if I truly felt bad for not inviting them, I would find a way to add them to the list but since people are usually rude about it I think it just solidifies your decision to not invite them. 

buffy_vg

I had a friend's brother tell me and my fiance this weekend that "he better freaking be invited to the wedding!" while we were all hanging out.  luckily FH deflected and changed the subject.  i honestly had no idea what to say!  the guest list is already huge because FH has a HUGE family and we just had to start making cuts somewhere!  i was just completely baffled by the way the friend's brother just out of no where blurted that out.  i know he didn't mean it in a rude way because he probably thought he was invited.  blah

khace

Is the FIL paying for the wedding?  I would make him pay for them...that's what I'm doing with my folks.  We're paying for our own wedding so any people that didn't make "our" list have to be paid for by those that choose to invite them...period.

songbird1908

We have the same thing going on. On my rsvp's it reads: "# of adults" If one doesnt get it, I dont know what will make them see. FH has one cousin that has 4 children, granted they are half price because they are under 10, but I still dont want to pay over 100 for that family to eat. You could just state to your FMiL that the venue doesnt price adjust to accomodate childrens meals and it seems silly to spend $35+ on a childs plate.

scully967

i know this is off the subject of your original message, but i need help with this:  how do you neatly and concisely do what one of you mentioned in your post--including individual invitees' names on the response card along with their food choice?  it looks strange the ways i've tried to do it.  anything standard out there?

thanks,
jennifer

khace

We're dealing with this too, and it it new born babies all around.  I'm delicately handling it now saying that we're having an adult only reception, but to compromise, we're having a babysitter to watch the kids as most of our guests are out of town guests.  I've seen it where kids can be a total distraction at multiple weddings and if it's already bothering you, it's going to drive you nuts the day of.  It's better to just take care of it now, maybe have an alternative for the kids to do during the ceremony/reception, but state your choice now.  Especially if the FMIL isn't paying for it.

lchamnes

mcdol3

I've had one person in particular tell me several times on facebook that she's going to attend my wedding.  We haven't talked in probably 2 years on the phone, but she text me when she found out that she's coming.  Then sent a message on facebook that she'd call me to hear all about the proposal and she's "totally not missing" my wedding and if she's not invited, "I'll find out where it is and crash it."  She's said that a few times.  

And btw, that was at the beginning of January and she never bothered calling me.  Classy, eh?

kesaxby

I have actually had many friends be VERY understanding of the situation.  Especially since the economy is so bad right now.  We are getting married 9 hours away from where we live and so we are only inviting family and close friends and I use a similar line and it has worked out great!  We were able to have a get together one night here in town to celebrate with people who aren't invited to the wedding and I think it helped to make everyone feel included given the situation.  My work people are even still throwing me a shower and they aren't invited to the wedding. 

Maybe you can plan an evening one Friday happy hour or something.  "We decided since we weren't able to include everyone that we would all try to meet for cocktails at [restaurant name] on [such and such date] and we would love to see you there."  Maybe it would ease the blow?

caramelkyss1218

Kindly tell them you are having a small wedding.  Do not give them details where or when.  If you share with them, they will think you are giving them a pass.  I am dealing with the same issue.  I learned not to talk about it in public and do not comment on the event when asked.  Ask your friends to do the same.

safowler2010

I know not being invited hurts people's feelings but honestly why do people suddenly want to be involved on this day in your life if they have not worried about your for the past 6 months, years... EVER. Its just silly to expect to be invited to a wedding because you "know" someone who is engaged.
 
We are not having a small ceremony by any means and even chose the larget garden (seating about 200) but people who you never talk to want to come.. its just wrong. I feel a little like I'm being used for a good party. ALso we do know more people and have HUGE families so its just not possible to include a sorority sister who didnt even like me in the first place.

When people talk about being invited (and are not)  to FH or Myself I simply say "we really are working on the guest list but there is a limited amount of space at the venue" or "we have to work off a pretty strict budget wish I could invite everyone"
Another thing that has cut down my guest list is asking for addresses via facebook group (make it private) and those who dont take the time to give me their address obviously dont have the time to come. The same goes for responding to an email with an address. If people dont respond then they dont really want to come.

Hope this helps! Good luck to everyone this can be a hard subject to tackle especially when it comes to crazy family.

alligatress

Ugh, thanks ladies. I've been dodging this exact subject with a pushy co-worker. The reason I don't want her there is because she is a bit of a lush and is SO loud and obnoxious sober ... let alone drunk in Cabo San Lucas around our families.

megandryan24

I think it's safe to say she has a thing for him (or causing you drama). Her texts are totally inappropriate. Let me be clear that no one who tried to break us up would step foot anywhere near my wedding. I worry that waiting to deal with this issue might make it even more uncomfortable than it already is. Might be good to deal with it now and enjoy the rest of your engagement. "Congrats, I know I'm going to be standing up there to support you!" ... this infuriates ME. I can't imagine how you kept from strangling her.

I wish you the best of luck! Hopefully that intrusive biotch falls of the face of the Earth! (or at least learns boundaries) 

Courtney0183

Ugh! I am also struggling with this. We have a hard rule if we haven't spoken to you in 2+ years you're not invited. This has posed a problem with some college friends but I am no bending on this.  I just reiterate that we are trying to keep the guest list down and we have pretty big families.

I do agree that you should laugh off those ridiculous comments because they are just that. Try not to give them a second thought Anyone who is going to act like that isn't a real friend anyway.

Good Luck!

songbird1908

scully967, my invites are pocketfolds, meaning the invite is in the middle, the rsvp card (no menu options, its family style) is in one pocket along with the hotel accomodations. I used magnet street weddings for my invites. You can go on there and personalize what you want them to look like. You can then print it out. It'll give you a estimate at what it will look like.  You can personalize a response card with your info and include menu options.

LindsB11

Ahhh I'm having the same problem. I've had SO many people pull this with me, mostly people that I NEVER see or speak to anymore, and some that I see maybe once every couple of years! I've gotten a lot of "I better be invited to your wedding" and "Did you get married yet? No? Oh, because I was gonna say...I uhh, kinda want to be there". FIRST OF ALL, if you have to THREATEN me to come to my wedding "I better be invited...", that should be your first red flag that you AREN'T. Secondly, you weren't sure if I'd gotten married yet, then you pull an attitude with me? And again, these are people that I do not have close relationships with. But the situatin I'm having the hardest time is this...

I was really close friends with this guy in college, we hung out ALL the time. But since we've both graduated we've really lost touch, I maybe have talked to him two maybe three times since we graduated (myself 3 years ago, he 4 years ago). When I got engaged he FOUND OUT about it (no, I didn't even call him to tell him!) and said to me "I know we haven't talked a lot in the last couple years but I'm not gonna lie, if I'm not invited to your wedding I'm gonna be kinda pissed" So initially I figured I'd just tell him the whole "we don't have the space/money" because we really have huge families and there really are a lot of people we want to but can't invite. BUTTTTTT, he recently got engaged, is getting married 2 months after I am, and sent me a LINK to his wedding website...so clearly he's inviting me...ugh. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! (sorry it was so long...)

buggy1234

When word got out them my FI and i were getting married i had two friends that had stopped talking to me wanting to rekindle the friendship, all of a sudden. One even hinted at being a BRIDESMAID!!!!! Not only was i a lttle offended that my friendship didn't matter til i was having a wedding I was also weirded out! I just avoided all wedding questions form them. Another Friend who was more my FI's friend in college (and was actually quite mean to me) resonded with "I am so there!!!" no... so not there... what is it with people. I am glad i am not the only one.

TuckerDeosdade

I'm having sort of the same problem, but pre-emptively. We hang out with a really big, extended group of friends. We're really close to about 8 of them, while the rest are just sort of there sometimes and not at other times (we're talking 30+ people). We're only inviting those 8 people, so what do we do if the rest of them ask when/where it is? And this group is odd because some of them seem to get really jealous if they're not invited to an event when others are, so the others feel the need to keep things really hush-hush. Not only do I think that's immature, but I want to tell EVERYONE about my wedding!
It's a very frustrating situation, but I'm going to use the "Unfortunately we can't afford to invite everyone we want to. You are one of a long list of people that we regret not being able to include, but we'd love to meet for happy hour sometime after the wedding is over" line and keep my fingers crossed.

Miss Biscuit

This is something that your fiance should go to bat for you on.  He should simply tell his mother, your FMIL,  that you- as a couple- have decided that children are not invited to the wedding.  Period.  It's his familys' children in question. 

If they can't take the hint from the invites you made (which you're right, they should have)... then a blunt reminder is the only way to go.

Good luck!

[Deleted User]

I just joke back, and don't mind being a bit rude.  "Sorry, you didn't make the cut."  I've already posted on facebook (just as a general update) "Cutting down the invite list.  You're probably not invited."  If they are really your friends, this shouldn't offend them.   

Also, if you're getting a lot of people asking this, why not have an after party once you're back from your honeymoon?  Let them buy you and your husband drinks... not the other way around!    

mnking

I'm in a similar situation except its my FH co-workers. Basically everyone at his work asked about bringing kids and he said sure without us talking first. We did the same with our RSVPs and put each person's name individually and even wrote on our schedule of events included in our invite the we would prefer to keep the event adults only. The co-workers he talked to just wrote the kids in regardless of what we asked. Its even worse because one of them is his boss! I'm learning that there is just no limit to how rude and inconsiderate some people can be. I would try to contact your FMIL and talk to her about the situation without getting mad.

danielle.bruynis

I've had a lot of people try to invite themselves, whether direct like- when is your wedding so I can ask off work- or just a simple, oh how's the planning coming?  You just have to be honest with those who you nkow can handle it. Tell them it is a small inimate wedding and you are only inviting family and a few close friends.  If you don't think they will tak that for an answer just be vague and say oh it is coming up this summer, and yes- the planning is going well.  I have found that either way- they get the hint.

But, either way- good luck!

pelkeyms

What I think is even worse is people assuming they will be able to bring a guest. Really, why would I want you to bring someone I don't even know to my wedding when I am having a hard enough time being able to afford all the people I do know. What are you supposed to say to that. Since have given some plus ones I feel like we pretty much have to give everyone one. I didn't know much about weddings growing up, but even I know this is a very tacky and rude thing to do. I would never assume that I could bring a guest and would feel lucky to get invited myself.

stacycamille

I had this issue with a distant college friend.  After receiving our save-the-date, she RSVP'd on our website for herself and her boyfriend however his name was not on the save-the-date.  I had to explain that due to our family size and limited funds, we are only allowing +1 for guests that are engaged or married.  One month later, she texts me to see if anyone has told me they will not make it.  Maybe it's me, but I feel that she is being a little selfish.  She does not understand that to make this exception for her, I would have to do the same for about 10 other guests. 

curimk

Many people have gone through the same thing, I too am going through it. Being four years out of High School I really struggled with the whole should I invite my friends families that were close to me in High School but I decided against it, the friends that are inviting themselves, if they know where it is at I would just really politely say, we have decided to have a small wedding with our closest family. Period, end of discussion! I  had a friend the other day call and guilt trip me and tell me how shes always considered me one of her best friends... and she really hopes she is invited to my wedding... I got off the phone not knowing what to do, my mom said pray about it, I had to do some serious thinking....
1. Only invite those people in your life who are positively imapcting and supporting you and your fiance and your marriage
2. Anyone who is just now getting in contact with you, well your guest list is finalized. If it becomes a huge HUGE problem, entrance to reception with invitation only lol, and have people at the door being bouncers!

Just some thoughts, hope it helps, I know its frustrating hold your head high
Kate

stardust1217

I have an old boss who invited herself before I was ever even engaged! She has been hounding a friend of mine who is invited for details and my friend has been staying quiet.  I feel obligated to invite her out of feeling uncomrfotable if I ever run into her again down the pike. I work in a freelance industry so you bump into alot of old co-workers when you start new projects!

I already have the FI's parents inviting everyone under the sun while Me & the FI are paying for everything. I am just hoping that alot of people rsvp no.

lalpiger

I completely understand all the awkward, embarassing moments when someone who is not invited to your wedding talks about how excited he or she is to be there. I'm a HS teacher and love all my co-workers and wish I could invite them all, but I simply cannot.

Besides this problem, though, I have another issue I want advice on. My fiance lived with his cousin for several years while they were in college, and they were really close. Therefore, his cousin is a groomsman in the wedding. His cousin's current girlfriend also happens to be my fiance's EX-girlfriend, whom he dated for a while in college.

I fully understand that my fiance had girlfriends before he met me, and that does not make me jealous. However, I have issues with this girl, mostly because she is at every family gathering or party, and she doesn't seem to understand how awkward it is that she constantly comes around! It may sound petty, but I really don't want her at my wedding because of all the drama she has caused in our group of friends over the years. Am I obligated to invite her since she is in a serious relationship with someone in the wedding party? (All our other wedding party spouses and significant others will be invited.) And, would it be totally out of line for me to ask that my fiance request to his cousin that he not bring her? I don't want to cause my fiance any strain with his friends and family, but I also don't want to have to have this person at my wedding! And trust me, she has made numerous comments that show she is planning on showing up...

Please advise!