People inviting themselves

karenwjackm

What about long lost friends that we happen to see at a local restaraunt but have not spoken to in years.  When we caught them up on our lives by telling them we're engaged, they basically invited themselves to our wedding.  This has happened more than once with people saying anything from, "I want to be invited," to, "tell us when to show up and we'll drink your beer."  What the heck do I say to that?

SarahPLiz

Don't say anything. Laugh like to was a ridiculous comment and then change the subject. DOn't tell them the date or the location, and they won't have anywhere to show up to.

brookelynpaisley

"We're trying to keep our wedding small and intimate and unfortunately we can't invite everyone. We'd love to catch up with you over dinner sometime."

kimheartsscott

I thought it would be a total PITA to explain to people that we are limiting our guestlist, but it really isn't.  After my friend tried to guilt me the other day about it ("Well, maybe we ca hang out and talk sometime before the wedding" [we are a year out]), it just made crushing his hopes kinda satisfying.

Is that evil?

PreppySailor

If they have ever tried to plan a wedding they would understand that you can't invite everybody. Or when they start to plan their own wedding these people will realize how uncomfortable those comments make the bride and groom.

kd.joseph

I had an old girlfriend suddenly call me a few months back after not speaking for a year,(mostly my fault, she's into witch craft and it was becoming uncomfortable to hang out with her), but because she was in my 1st wedding she invited herself to my DW wedding. We are having a small ceremony just 5 of us. Us and our kids.

She kept asking if there was enough room for her, I told her we are going to trailer down the bike, she can ride in the trailer. She called one more but I haven't heard from her since.

ellen73

I had someone ask "who from her family was invited" via e-mail, and then again in person!  I was sort of mortified-  but since I was very clear in the e-mail- I said the same thing again (with 150 just for my family alone... we are trying to limit blah blah blah)...

Casamassima

It's so hard! Especially when the people who think they are invited are people who seem to think you are friends...but you aren't. =(

I just tell everyone the same thing tho, no matter who it is.

"Unfortunately we can't afford to invite everyone we want to. You are one of a long list of people that we regret not being able to include, but we'd love to meet for happy hour sometime after the wedding is over."

Whether they can see right though me or not, I just want to remain composed until this wedding is over.

missjames82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_people-inviting-themselves-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c33f9400-8757-48bb-a088-1b2d58e534c2Post:f682e74a-cfc4-489a-80e8-4d3bf41a9b15">Re: People inviting themselves</a>:
[QUOTE]"We're trying to keep our wedding small and intimate and unfortunately we can't invite everyone. We'd love to catch up with you over dinner sometime."
Posted by brookelynpaisley[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I swear that is our mantra. Given that we are having a small wedding away from home and aren't inviting even some family members, we are facing the I'll invite myself" problem all the time. We have a three-tier solution:</div><div>1. Give them the line above.</div><div>2. If they still persist, I play good cop: "We're having a celebration when we return, and we'd love for you to come."</div><div>3. And if they STILL persist (yes, we have some winners in our social/family circle!), my fiance plays bad cop: "We aren't adding more people to the guest list. We'll see you when we get back."

</div>

sarahgrin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_people-inviting-themselves-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c33f9400-8757-48bb-a088-1b2d58e534c2Post:5bc6d6a3-db30-4177-8800-d5ee3abf5601">Re: People inviting themselves</a>:
[QUOTE] "Unfortunately we can't afford to invite everyone we want to. You are one of a long list of people that we regret not being able to include, but we'd love to meet for happy hour sometime after the wedding is over."

Posted by Casamassima[/QUOTE]

This is a wonderful thing to say.  Thank you.  I will be using it, I think.  The phrase "We are trying to keep it small" doesn't apply to us — we want to invite everyone and the church "only" holds about 300. 

Thanks!

jamber716

I am having the same problem.  We are paying for the wedding ourselves and everyone we know are asking for their invitations.  We had to cut the guestlist already.  Everyone I work with thinks that they should get an invitation.  They keep asking about it and I don't know what to say.  I believe they only want to come for the food and alcohol.  I think I'm gonna have to be mean about it if they don't stop asking me.

PhiMuYCP

Its disheartening to have to tell people they wont be able to come. I have had a few friends invite themselves. One simply stated "I would love to come to your wedding." (which wasn't that bad, considering i simply explained, money is the issue unfortunately) However, when another friend states "Man October is going to be a busy month between birthdays and your weddding." EEK! I guess they will figure it out when they don't get an invitation.

I feel bad, but they have to understand that money isn't always readily available.

JessParmesan79

I've had the same co-worker ask me three time over the past few months if he is invited.  The first two times I laughed it off and changed the subject.  This last time (last week), he basically said to my face that he would be offended and pissed if he wasnt invited.  Aside from being completely mortified and uncomfortable that he would say that, I composed myself and said something like "We are having it in a small venue that only fits 150 people.  My FH and I both have large families and with friends, we just cannot invite everyone."  He still persisted on knowing the date and location.  I told him I would keep him posted, but dont plan on it.  It's still awkward since we work together and while he is not my boss he is a manager in my office.  Talk about inappropriate.  He's in his 60s, married, with daughters in their 20s and 30s.  Doesnt he know the etiquette?  It's quite unbelieveable to me that people actually say these things.  I thought it only happened in the movies.   But I'm also glad I'm not the only one!

tiffany.mcclean

I really didn't think this was going to be a problem... I would NEVER just assume I was being invited to a wedding. But it is something that comes up way too often.
People just don't understand!
Invitees should be happy to be included but understanding if they aren't. If we had an unlimited budget and a huge venue we would invite everyone we knew, but that just isn't the case.

megandryan24

My FH knows this girl that he has been friends with for years. She had huge issues with him and I dating from day one, before even knowing me, and did everything in her power to try to break us up. My theory is she has a thing for him, but beside the point. They had a falling out about a year ago, and haven't spoken much since. He has however received 3+ text messages from her out of nowhere all saying basically the same thing "Congratulations, I better be invited to the wedding!!" or "Congrats, I know I'm going to be standing up there to support you!" It absolutely infuriates me, what would make someone think that after that behavior they'd be invited, let alone asked to stand in the wedding?

I've taken to just asking him to avoid the subject completely, when the time comes we'll deal with it. Some people just don't understand though, maybe you have to go through the planning to understand, but I know I've never thought it was appropriate to invite myself anywhere, regardless of situation.

aemdee

I just had a friend send me an "early wedding gift"... I had no intention to invite her (we went to high school together but were never really close). What should I do???? Send a thank and that be it? Or am I now obligated to invite her?

serenadellertjones

This is such a huge problem--it's horrifying how rude people are. Can't figure out how to get out of this one--my fiance's 22 year old cousin supposedly has a girlfriend--we've never met her. His father (fiance's uncle) told my future FIL that the only way he can get his son to come is if he's allowed to bring his gf--and my FIL said he could without bothering to check with me! We really don't have room for her--my fiance and I are dying over how to tell them this. you'd think the FIL wld offer to correct his mistake, but he just shrugs his shoulders....ridiculous behavior from MANY different people!

mcdol3

Have you guys had people invite themselves on facebook? I've gotten messages and wall posts from fb 'friends' saying they can't wait for the wedding... Uh, yah I haven't physically talked to you in about 2 years and you JUST invited me to a fb friend. honestly you think you're invited?? ugh.
***sorry for the rant.****

It sucks turning people away. Using the money excuse is great and most people understand. Those that don't, just tell them you had a hard time picking, but not everyone could be invited.

sdvora

My question is what to do about people who think they can just bring their children along to the wedding, and show up with them.

Long story short -- I am pretty sure that my FMIL thinks that everyone's kids are invited to the wedding (she sent me an email to let me know who everyone's kids are on her side of the family).

FH and I made handmade RSVPs which listed each invitees' name, so that they could RSVP individually, and let us know what their choice was for the sit-down meal.  So, anyone with half a brain should realize that the only people invited are those on the RSVPs, right? 

But, I'm afraid FMIL (who isn't paying for any of the wedding) might be telling people to go ahead and bring any kids along.  I've asked FH repeatedly to let her know this isn't the case, but I think he's loathe to appear like the meanie who tells everyone that the kids aren't invited.  And we don't have the phone numbers of these invitees; they're the kind of people FH sees every few years, if that.

So, I'm looking at some people bringing kids along.  What do I do if they show up to the ceremony and reception with family in tow?  If they're kids that are 3 and under, I'm assuming they'll eat off of mommy's plate, but if they're teenagers?  Am I within my rights to throw people out?  Because that's what my gut says to do, although I know it doesn't set the right tone for guests...or the FMIL.

Any thoughts?  Previous experiences?  I really don't want to be the one to tell my FMIL to pass along the fact that only those on the RSVPs are (duh) invited; I don't think it's my place. 

Miss__Angie

One of my best friends and bridesmaid's keeps asking if her parents are invited.  Were not keeping it small by any means with 300 already invited, but we can't invite the parents of all the bridesmaids and groomsmen...what should I do?

lblasey

I'm also on board with the "we're keeping it small" quote. We started with a list of 60-80 that grew to 100 and booked a reception hall that will only hold 100. Once you have the locations - especially if they're a specific size, then you can use the size of venue as your fallback. "I'm sorry but there just isn't enough room for everyone we'd like to invite" is a line I've found myself using quite a bit lately.

Best of luck!

elaine37

That's incredibly rude.

For us, we have a lot of people coming (Chinese wedding) but we booked a space that has a limited amount of seating in order to keep my parents' list from getting too big.

Our excuse is "It's a big wedding and most of the guests are my parents' guests. We barely even have room for our closest friends that we grew up with!"

sidney_22

I've had this problem too.  I just snicker and tell them our guest list has been finalized and we are limiting the number of guests to family and very select family friends.  For those I never even considered inviting, I change the subject or just leave. I have told a few people that I considered inviting, that ask me, that if we have someone that can't make it then i will certainly offer an invite, but no promises.  If I can't invite them I tell them we plan to have a small barbeque with friends we couldn't invite.

For the people who want to come and drink our beer, I just laugh and say that's fine.  Come after dinner, it's a cash bar.  Laugh again and tell them i'll see them later.  I figure that gives them a clear indication that they aren't invited and smart ass remarks like that only get them laughed at and ignored.

If they are going to be so disrespectful, then let them have a taste of their own medicine a little bit.

angie_kins

Aemdee,

You are absolutely not obligated to invite her!  You are, of course, obligated to write her a thank you card acknowledging her generosity.  You could include some of the lines suggested here right in the card and avoid the awkward f2f!!

victoriabadillo

One of my fiance's friend of a friend said to him "man, your wedding sounds like it's going to be a bada** party, you don't have to invite me for the ceremony or dinner or anything...I just wanna party with you guys". My fiance didnt' understand why that would offend me so much until I explained to him how rude it is to basically say "hey, I don't know you that well, but I know lots of our friends are going to be traveling to Puerto Rico for your beach wedding, and I want to get drunk and party with you guys...I don't really care about any of that intimate getting married stuff". To top this all off, a couple of weeks later we were at a friends bbq and when I said hi to him he told my fiance he had never met me before! He'd met me like 3 times before!

We're basically giving out the usual explanation "we'd love to have you, unfortunately we're already at capacity...etc".

But seriously, people are just soooo rude when it comes to this. Another acquaintance actually said "I know you're not inviting me, but I'm crashing your wedding, just for the party part though...don't worry, that means I'm giving you at least $100." He actually threw money at me for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

olsen41

mcdol3

Yes, I have the same problem with the facebook friends. Everyone knows I'm getting married, we had a huge ring ceremony tradition at my sorority. But since I've sent out save the date cards to my old close sorority sisters and a few of them have posted on my facebook page that they got them and were super excited, some of my not so close sorority sisters who are NOT invited have spoken up about how excited THEY are about my wedding and how cool it will be.... but those ones aren't invited. I have a huge family and only 100 guests total. It's a bummer when they're like "Hey lets grab coffee and you tell me every detail about your wedding.... so excited for it" but when they're not invited I just want to crawl under a rock and hide from them! I wish I could invite them and have 200-300 people but the venue is small and my fiance and I aren't millionaires and are paying 100%...

puCCake

I'm just going to copy and paste some of these lines into my little book and keep them handy for when people pop that question to me!  Actually, had a coworker who invited herself when I told her I was engaged.  She's a really great person and has been a really great friend but honestly, we're not that close and we're trying to keep it as small as 100 (including ourselves).

songbird1908

My fiance and I both have very, very large immediate familes (my mom is the youngest of 17; all have the same 2 parents, dad oldest of 9, fiances mom youngest of 6, fiances dad one of 5) our current guest list is at only 316. I probably have close to 100 first cousins. Anyhow, I just ran into a woman at the store who attends my moms church who basically told me "i'll just get the info from your mom" when I told her I was engaged. We are not trying to go into debt for our wedding and I dont want a single bill after this is said and done. We are basically spliting the costs with my parents and the reception plates are almost $35. The reception alone is over 10,000...Why dont people understand that everyone is not invited, especially when you dont talk to them on a regular basis? We have family who we had to cut off the list, co-workers that will be upset that they cant all be there, friends who will be mad, etc. Right now I usually just give a half smile when someone mentions that they'll see me at the wedding because I dont know what else to say. I hope this post helps me figure out a nice and gentle way to let people down

sms274

Casamassima  I LOVE your response I had a more awkward way that i have been saying it so i may take lessons from you. I HATE when people invite themselves and it's not usually in a way that I can brush off. It's usually very direct like "I am invited right?" It is so awkward and I don't know why people think it's right.

I ALSO hate more than anything when people (invited or not) post on my wall about being invited, bringing guests, etc. I think it is rude and tacky - that is a private conversation that they are posting on public domain.

I felt bad at first because we aren't really having a small wedding but the people who are invited are invited for a reason, those who aren't are also not for a reason.

franzez

I am having this issue with friends, who blatently ask if they could be invited to the wedding, to his family stating that they better be invited.  We are having a very small wedding and we are paying for it ourselves, I know that there are going to be hurt feelings, how do I deal with only inviting some of his aunts and not all of them? His mother has 10 brothers and sisters?

themidge

either ignore it and don't say anything, and obviously don't send these people and invitation, or say something like "unfortunately our budget doesn't allow for us to invite everyone we'd like, so we are having a very small wedding" (whether or not this is true). 

i would just go with laughing and not saying anything, unless people really put you on the spot.  saying to someone "i want to be invited" is pretty rude, so don't worry about being rude back.