People inviting themselves

pelkeyms

Man, that is a tough one. If you ban her I'm not sure how she wouldn't find out and that may make future events even more akward. Then again, she might finally get the hint that you dont like her and leave you alone. Also, it is your wedding so you should be able to do what you want. How do you think it would be if the roles were reversed and she was getting married to your FH cousin, your FH was in the wedding, and you weren't invited. Would that be ok with you? If so, I say don't invite her.

kristenervin

This has been a terrible problem for us!!! I have already run into an old friend at a bridal show who offered up her address so I would "be able to send her an invite," two co-workers demanded to be invited and one wants to bring her FI who I have NEVER even MET before!! I ran into an old co-worker who I WAS friends with but have since disconnected with, who asked for an invite as well. REALLY?! We're paying for this on our own and are limiting it to 75 people  so that we can actually PAY the bill. Everyone is well aware of the "budget" part of this and yet has the nerve to ask for an invite. It's just ridiculous!

DecLove2010

I would just laugh because it sounds like a joke! If they were serious I would still not give them a logical answer because comments like that don't deserve one. 

rawdonle

Unfortunately I am a pushover and have had to invite a few of the people who assumed for some reason they were invited.  But as one person mentioned earlier, they will understand when they have their own wedding.  So if you have to be honest, or even rude back, then so be it.  I'm a big fan of changing the subject.  I also never talk about the wedding around people who aren't invited.

way2beAZ

I have literally had to stay off of facebook for that reason. If I am not on there then there is no way you can try to contact me about coming to my wedding.

We have an extremely awkward situation- our wedding is a destination wedding and we had people BUY airplane tickets to our wedding who weren't on the guest list. Try figuring out how to handle that one!

All in all I guess you have to evaluate who is important to you and if the relationship will be hurt or damaged by saying no- I have had to say yes to some additions to the guest list even though it made me mad but some I was able to say no to. Just think through it- We have had a HUGE problem with people wanting to bring extra people. Our wedding coordinator helped us word our reply cards just so- it has helped a whole lot.

They say:

M __________________________________

__________will attend

__________ will not attend

We invite you to have an adult evening out and have reserved _____ seats in your honor. Children by invitation only.

Just an idea )

REENIEREEN76

I say Laugh and say Dinner cost $xx.xx, I will give you the location once your check clears. 

kate7410

go with the "keeping it small" line, but when people don't understand, just threaten to go bridezilla if someone asks one more thing about the guest list. our mantra is "we make the rules, bitches."

jensapp14

Ditto for me! I have people asking me if they are invited to the wedding! I wish I could invite everyone but it's to expensive.  I don't have the heart to tell them they are not invited.

kribble2002

Yes, I've had this happen. "I totally want to come to your wedding! It sounds like a blast!" I just kind of ignore it and change the subject. That's the only thing I can figure doesn't put you in the line of fire for a bunch of confrontation.

jen56039

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_people-inviting-themselves-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c33f9400-8757-48bb-a088-1b2d58e534c2Post:ed172d6f-e9ea-491c-b644-33d76994f9e6">Re: People inviting themselves</a>:
[QUOTE] Am I obligated to invite her since she is in a serious relationship with someone in the wedding party? (All our other wedding party spouses and significant others will be invited.) And, would it be totally out of line for me to ask that my fiance request to his cousin that he not bring her?
Posted by lalpiger[/QUOTE]

Yes. You are obligated to allow your groomsman to invite his SO. If you had not invited the other attendants partners then it would be acceptable for you to request that she not come. The reason people generally allow for a guest is so that they can enjoy the evening with their friend like you are enjoying the evening with your friend (in this case your husband). It sounds like you might feel this gal still has something for your FH. He's your new husband and he won't be worried about her. Don't let the worry about this gal ruin your day. You are the one everyone cares about.  You probably won't even remember that she was there unless you make a big deal about it.

AnnetteLoehrer

Yes, we too have been asked, sometimes begged for some people to be invited to the wedding.  We use the money excuse and the venue size.  We were hoping to keep the list under 150 and are now at 180 so we can't add anyone else.  What we did do is ask some of our friends who really wanted to come but we didn't have room for them to be our bar tenders at the wedding, that way they get to come, will get tips but we don't have to have seating for them.  My issue is that people are inviting themselfs to my bachelorette party that I am not inviting to the wedding.  Do I let them come?

FutureMrsBoucher

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_people-inviting-themselves-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c33f9400-8757-48bb-a088-1b2d58e534c2Post:72dc0808-b91c-4f6d-95cf-e8e94bfee54d">Re: People inviting themselves</a>:
[QUOTE]My FH knows this girl that he has been friends with for years. She had huge issues with him and I dating from day one, before even knowing me, and did everything in her power to try to break us up. My theory is she has a thing for him, but beside the point. They had a falling out about a year ago, and haven't spoken much since. He has however received 3+ text messages from her out of nowhere all saying basically the same thing "Congratulations, I better be invited to the wedding!!" or "Congrats, I know I'm going to be standing up there to support you!" It absolutely infuriates me, what would make someone think that after that behavior they'd be invited, let alone asked to stand in the wedding? I've taken to just asking him to avoid the subject completely, when the time comes we'll deal with it. Some people just don't understand though, maybe you have to go through the planning to understand, but I know I've never thought it was appropriate to invite myself anywhere, regardless of situation.
Posted by megandryan24[/QUOTE]

omgosh megan! i had exactly the same thing happen. except FI had dated her for a week freshman year in college and she was used to being #1 girl in his life, even when she was dating other guys. i tolerated him being a friend to her while we were dating (after she apologized and seemingly changed from trying to break us up). But once we got engaged, I put my foot down. I never liked this girl and she would have annoyed the crap out of me even if she HADN'T tried to break us up. her personality is just grating. anyway, she was singing the national anthem at our school's ice hockey game and invited him (but not me) to come hear her. he told me and i blew up. so basically he told her that, since he's getting married, they can't be close friends anymore. then SHE blew up and basically cussed him out. needless to say, he's cut off all communication with her because she obviously didn't really change, and no one needs a friend like that anyway.
for some reason, though, she still thinks she's coming to the wedding. *shakes fist*

dazed2confused

i hate this part!  People asking if they are invited.  I've yet to have anyone who isn't invited ask, but it will come.  I'm not inviting my cousins kids, though i'm afraid that she will bring them anyways.  I'll have to figure out how to get that wording exactly right.

CharlotteRay

Yes, this has been a problem with me, too. And about the facebook thing, geesh. I haven't been able to post anything about my wedding, b/c everyone who is my "friend" thinks that they'll be there on my wedding day. It's horrible! And then one of my coworkers was upset when he saw that another coworker (who happens to be in the wedding party) had a "Save the Date" magnet on her filing cabinet! He asked where his was! It's a huge problem at work, especially b/c I think that my co-workers are planning a bridal shower. Does everyone who goes to the shower (even if I don't invite them) have to then be invited to the wedding? Ick.
And then there is the Mother and Mother in law problem. My fiancée told his mom to stop talking about it all the time, b/c she kept adding people to the list. And then my mom called me and told me that she had invited our neighbors from when we lived in Michigan for a short time! What?!? I had to have a talk with her, too.

mstori

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_people-inviting-themselves-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c33f9400-8757-48bb-a088-1b2d58e534c2Post:331bceee-7270-4aea-9315-d77131b983ec">Re: People inviting themselves</a>:
[QUOTE]My question is what to do about people who think they can just bring their children along to the wedding, and show up with them. Long story short -- I am pretty sure that my FMIL thinks that everyone's kids are invited to the wedding (she sent me an email to let me know who everyone's kids are on her side of the family). FH and I made handmade RSVPs which listed each invitees' name, so that they could RSVP individually, and let us know what their choice was for the sit-down meal.  So, anyone with half a brain should realize that the only people invited are those on the RSVPs, right?  But, I'm afraid FMIL (who isn't paying for any of the wedding) might be telling people to go ahead and bring any kids along.  I've asked FH repeatedly to let her know this isn't the case, but I think he's loathe to appear like the meanie who tells everyone that the kids aren't invited.  And we don't have the phone numbers of these invitees; they're the kind of people FH sees every few years, if that. So, I'm looking at some people bringing kids along.  What do I do if they show up to the ceremony and reception with family in tow?  If they're kids that are 3 and under, I'm assuming they'll eat off of mommy's plate, but if they're teenagers?  Am I within my rights to throw people out?  Because that's what my gut says to do, although I know it doesn't set the right tone for guests...or the FMIL. Any thoughts?  Previous experiences?  I really don't want to be the one to tell my FMIL to pass along the fact that only those on the RSVPs are (duh) invited; I don't think it's my place. 
Posted by sdvora[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I know! I am having the same issue!  When did weddings become about p*&sing off the least amount of people possible?!?  And why do we need to tip toe around all these issues that just seem common sense.  We are having the wedding at our property - so of course everyone thinks they can come, bring their kids, invite their friends and even had one say they will pitch a tent in the back yard so they can stay - WTH!!, this is a wedding, not Woodstock!</div><div>We have gotten to the point where we just have to outright lie as no one is listening to the 'nice' reasons - here's what we used have so far (and seem to be working):</div><div>1. I am sorry, we actually cannot have kids at our wedding because of the liquor licensing laws that our caterer and drinks supplier has to follow - such a shame :-(</div><div>2.  Unfortunately we have to limit our numbers because of bathroom facilities, if we invite more people we will have to arrange for porta-toilets - how awful would that be.</div><div>2.  We have an unfenced dam on our property and we are sooo worried that the kids will fall in and we just can't risk that.</div><div>3.  All of our friends have children, if we invite yours, we will have to invite everyones and that would double our numbers and we just can't afford it. And of course you can't invite one without inviting others as that causes problems and people get upset at us - you wouldn't want that would you?</div><div>4.  Our caterer doesn't do kids meals, so kids would be the same price as an adult, and as we are paying for the wedding ourselves, we really just can't afford it.</div><div>5.This is going to big a big party!  You wouldn't want kids at a night club type environment would you?</div><div>
</div><div>My absolute favorite so far is some of my FI cousins refusing to come as they cannot bring their 3 kids, because if they come from interstate, they want to make it a family holiday - but they can't afford a babysitter in the hotel for one night!!??  So for $120, i would guess for babysitting, in addition to the cost of a family holiday - they won't come!!??   Have they considered the fact that it will cost us per head for each of their kids more than what they would pay in babysitting .. not t mention the other kids we would be guilted in to inviting because of it.  The funny thing is .. they had no kids at their wedding 5 years ago!</div><div>
</div><div>I think I have made it perfectly clear about the tag-along kids issue, i will also give my mother (who is never afraid to rock the boat and give people an earful) full permission to tell people to leave prior to my arrival if anyone does show up with children.  Because if they do, they have done it knowing that they have been asked not to and being rude enough to think they can just show up and I wouldn't do anything on the day.  That is just plain rude and we would prefer them not there at all.</div><div>
</div><div>The one piece of advice that I read on this blog one day that I am using as my top piece of advice .. when you do get someone who declines because they cant bring their kids, or their boyfriend of two weeks ... don't get sad, don't get angry, just think ....  PHEW!  THAT'S ANOTHER HUNDRED DOLLARS PER HEAD WE HAVE JUST SAVED AND CAN PUT TOWARD THE HOMEYMOON :-)</div><div>
</div><div>Ahh, it feels nice to have a bit of a rant :-)  Hope my deception will aid others :-)</div><div>
</div><div>(PS, my wedding is not until September .. I will let you know if any of this actually worked ;-P )</div><div>
</div><div>

</div>

windchick

I work for a small company, and the owner invited not only himself, but the whole company (12 people + wives/husbands/kids for most of them) when he told me that we'd all have a great time at the wedding, and just assumed they were all invited! 

The funny thing is, I found out today that he's going to be out of the country the weekend I get married, so I can cut down the guest list by at least 3 people. 

It'd be another thing altogether if he paid me enough to buy dinner for about 35 people, some that I'm not that close with.  He knows he doesn't pay me enough for that, and he still made the assumption.

nurseshark7

this may be totally off kilter, but when my boss asked me if he was invited, I told him that I would if he could give me the raise I needed to pay for his seat! (which, given I would have to find a new venue to hold everyone, would get expensive fast...)

Redlene82

I have a cousin, whom I have NEVER met and only started talking to on Facebook a month or so before I was engaged, ask if he was invited without even congratulating me first!!! So I guess he assumes because we are "family" he's invited?? Ahhhhhh
Funny thing is that we we started face booking he was planning his ceremony and never once invited me. Hmmmm

Lindsey Johnson

I know this doesn't help you much now but our RSVP cards said "We have reserved _____ for you." They filled out a part that said "_____ of _____ will attend."

We used a decorative stamp to put the # of invitees. People with kids called to see is they could bring the kids. We just said if they are small enough to not need a chair, they can come. We just explained to everyone that the location had limited space and we could not exceed the # given to us.

bethanyrae910

I have only been engaged for a few weeks and since I was so excited I did post my ring all over FB for my friends to see. Probably not the smartest choice, I  know, but I figured people wouldn't jump to conclusions. One of my dad's cousins who I literally have seen probably only a handful of times and whom I could not even pick out of a crowd of people said "I can't wait to see everyone at the wedding!" I never even planned on inviting her! I don't even know this woman. It really annoyed me. So when I told my parents my dad basically said that it's our day and we should invite who WE want to invite and to not feel bad if I don't feel comfortable inviting her. If we were having a million dollar wedding then I'd invite everyone, but why would I make my parents and FIL's pay for people that I don't even know? It's ridiculous that adults are so blunt and presumptuous. I didn't even respond to her comment.

So we are just worrying about the people who are in our lives NOW and not just inviting someone because we're somehow related and they don't see or keep in touch any other time. If they don't like it then it's not going to effect our relationship anyhow because we never had one.

But if I was asked in person, I would go with the " only inviting close family and friends" response.

Barakins

Well, I've handled people inviting themselves in two ways, depending on the level of niceness that I felt that they deserved.  For the nicer ones, I usually say, "I'm sorry, but we're trying to keep the wedding up 35 ppl including staff, we just can't afford more."  This explains in one sentence that we're trying to keep the wedding small and intimate while allowing for the knowledge that money is an issue.  For those types that I just want to smack upside the head, I go bridezilla and generally say something along the lines of "Ok.  You can come, if you pay what it will cost for me to host you at the wedding.  That will be about $150, please."  This usually puts the moochers, beggers, and annoying ones off.  I also have made sure to tell everyone that I've hired a bouncer for the wedding to make sure that no uninvited guests show up.

:-p  Well, you may not want to go with the route I have, but it's been effective for me.

bridal_bec

In Response to: sdvora

Oh my goodness! This is what freaks me out. My FH and I are among the last of our friends who are getting married, this means most of our friends have already moved onto "the bump" stage of their lives.

I sent out an e-mail to the people that I really think are clueless and would bring their kids (so annoying when a kid cry's in a ceremony right!) saying that I know they don't really live far away, but they are welcome to take advantage of our pre-booked hotel rooms to have a romantic evening away from the baby! Is this tacky?? I just really didn't know what to do. 

I honestly don't even know why people would want to bring their kid, it just means that they don't enjoy themselves as much!!

ej.rebholz

I am totally on board with the frustration over facebook and even worse twitter wedding questions, how much harder would it be for people to shoot me a quick email asking all of their questions?

musicjungle

I bet that people who think they should be able to bring their kids will write them in on the RSVP card.  As much as that sucks at least you'll be aware ahead of time and able to determine what to do.  (rather than be stuck with it the day of).  I have a lot of problems with my FMIL too, she likes to be in control but isn't paying for anything.  I finally got my fiance to agree to be the one to deal with her.  Nothing that I say to her could help the situation.  Coming from me, it only seems to make things worse.  :S

sdorfma13

It is a hard thing to do... but honestly... you just need to tell FMIL that there are no kids at all!

CLSchramm

Eck, I hate this problem! My FH has a group of friends that has been close since about the 7th grade. There's 8 boys in the group, and we are the first ones to get married. Naturally none of them understand the complications that come with planning a wedding. We've been together for 4 years now, so of course many girlfriends have come and gone in that time. I'm now having, out of the blue, ex's of these boys either messaging me on FB or texting me asking if they are invited to the wedding. One of the boys current GFs even tried to start drama with the whole group b/c my FH is still friends with one of the ex's and threatened to ruin my day and keep her bf, who is the Best Man, from being at the wedding if we invited this other girl. Why can't people just understand that it is MY day, and I will have the people I want to share it with there, regardless of their feelings? Can't we all just grow up for one day? Sheesh!

kducharme

Even worse is people making themselves in the wedding party! I have a very flakey friend who has assumed she is a bridesmaid and since she is so flakey I haven't had a chance to tell her that she isn't!

But everyone is right...people don't know what goes into planning until you are doing it! People get so offended about YOUR wedding! I have already offended people for not inviting them to the engagement party..REALLY??  Glad I'm not the only one in this boat!


Good luck planning everyone!!!

mstori

Get this, my MIL started inviting people before we had even set a date - she even asked my Fiance's BIL to be the MC without even asking us first.  Were we thinking about asking him anyway, but that is not the point!!  It is not her place to invite our guests and give them duties.  Then she put me on the spot and asked if she invite her old friend from school who wants to come up for the wedding (which by the way, she had already said that she could).  Even my Fiance doesn't know her!

Luckily my future SIL was there to put her straight, as she has just been thru the same thing herself a few years back at her wedding.  thanks Sis :-)

Another problem we are facing is that the family are wanting to contribute financially to the wedding.  I KNOW - PEOPLE GIVING MONEY A PROBLEM???  But unfortunately, the minute they do, they think they can get involved in the planning, inviting, etc.  We have decided that if anyone wants to help out financially, which don't get me wrong, it is really appreciated - we just say, that the wedding is already paid for, but they are more than welcome to help toward the honeymoon (they can't really get involved in that ;-) )

SweetAmy33

I am having the same problem. Im trying to be honest but polite with people. "Listen its a second wedding we are trying to keep it small, mostly just immediate family." My husband-to-be comes from a huge family and so it wasnt easy but we had to draw the line somewhere. We've also been telling people that we really did want to invite but just couldnt that we plan to have a party later in the summer. Not a wedding, just a fun summer picinic/party with all the people we really wanted to invite so they know its really not a personal thing!

tabbyc94

This is my biggest fear...uninvited guest along with their uninvited dates. Since Max and I have announced our engagement EVERYONE that we run into say they are expecting an invite, I always smile and say, "we can't invite everyone". I really hope this response work because we don't have enough money to feed the entire city!