People inviting themselves

SpikeyCowboy

if someone said the drinking my beer comment i'd straight tell them if i see them i'll kick them out. the old friends thing...follow other advice here...just be polite, say it was great to see them but the capacity at your venue is maxed out.

or just say NO. Thats sweet that they want to come but it is YOUR day.

thelowies

I had someone from work , who I talk to maybe once a month at most, ask me if I would "please!" invite her to my wedding!  I told her that my parents were paying for the wedding, so my guest list was limited.  Then she actually offered to pay for her own plate so she could come!  I must have looked at her like she was crazy, because she just walked away and I haven't heard from her since.  I expected that people would try to invite themselves, but nothing could have prepared me for that!

summerazi

Rule #1 – this is YOUR special day! You get to invite (or not invite) whomever you chose and that decision should be as stress free as possible. Consider self-inviters to be merely expressing how happy they are for you. It’s only natural to want to be a part of something special and I think some people even feel obligated to or think they are supposed to ask if they can attend once you share your good news. I think the BEST course of action is to deal with the unwanted invite immediately and as gentle yet clear as possible. I’m getting married in August and have had a few people attempt to invite themselves already. One was my former hairstylist who I hadn’t spoke to in at least 7 years until we recently reconnected on Facebook. We’ve sent brief emails maybe 4 times and have no plans to reconnect or catch up beyond that yet she asked if she could attend. Um…hello? Of course not, but thanks for asking. I gently yet clearly let her know that an invitation was not an option. There’s no confusion and no need to have an awkward conversation closer to the wedding because she thinks she successfully invited herself.  Rule #2 – NEVER forget rule #1

jkrider01

I HATE it when people invite themselves to anything, but is it especially awkward for a once-in-a-lifetime event like a wedding. I wish I could invite everyone we know, but obviously that would be ridiculous, expensive, and stressful trying to get around to say hi to everyone during the cocktail hour (more like 5 hours!).

Our families alone are over 100 people, and our venue only has seating for 125. We've rented a tent and are planning on a few more tables for outdoor seating, but we're still really limited - it's a great excuse to tell people

Thanks for all the good ideas! When will people learn?? I guess not until they plan their own weddings - haha.

celestialstar80

I have people who weren't invited from as far as Germany and California coming to my Florida wedding. They wanted to come badly enough that they're booking airfare so I didn't have the heart to tell them they weren't on the list. Instead, I ended up adding them to the list. It's been easier to deal with "turning away" local friends. Since we're paying for our own wedding and I have been unemployed for nearly 6 months out of the past year, I've been pointing that out when trying to explain that we have to limit the guestlist.

sbheigl

Hopefully people will get the hint with the RSVPs. However, If someone adds a name or two and a dinner preference that's when I think you need to just ask your FMIL for her sides phone numbers, suck it up and make the phone calls yourself.
OR sit down with your FH and his mom so that you can make her understand together. If she's not cool with it, then you can ask her to front the money that it costs to feed the kids (have a $ amount per plate for kids ready).

There's no easy way around it. We're having an "Adult Only Reception." I"m not too worried about anyone but my sister and a couple of cousins from out of town. So I'm calling them ahead of time to make sure they understand. I also have the phone number of a friend who is a professional and would watch their kids if they wanted her to.

Good Luck, I hope everything works out!

Beyond that,

stacey-n-adam

I don't know if your invites are finished, but I think you should be allowed to state on the invitation that it is adults only.  It's your wedding.  Not your FMIL.  You are allowed to invite whomever you want.  They'll get over it.  It's your day.  Enjoy it!

amh1077

I am having the same problem.  My husband-to-be and i work for a large school district and both of us have been moved around to different buildings often working in the same one....people just assume that they are invited.  We have tried to tell people tactfully that because we have such large families we are limiting the number of people that we work with....mostly people that we actually do things with OUTSIDE of work.  Still, people keep asking when we were registering, when we are having our shower, when the wedding is....and i can absolutely believe that someone would ask when to show up and drink the beer....it happened to us as well. 

I have stopped talking about the wedding unless it's with my bridal party or our parents.  If someone asks a question, I give them a brief answer and change the subject. 

There is no easy way to tell them no....people who have planned weddings or been involved in planning weddings will know not to ask where their invite is.

Good luck!

TGStyles

Just laugh it off.  You probably don't have any of their contact info so don't ask for it. You havent seen them in years. So, you probably won't see them for years.

gmcsjc

i just had the same problem just dont post any specific info about the big day.

jenstinator

Oh I am sorry - we are not serving alchohol. But the next time you have a party with a keg, be sure to let us know!

kjoecken

We are having a destination wedding with 28 guests.  I'm not even inviting my half bro and sis.  My future MIL told her sister and my fiance's cousin that they were invited.  (He sees the Aunt at thanksgiving and Xmas.  Hasn't seen or spoken with the cousin in years.)  I explained that we simply didn't have the budget and they would definitely be invited to the in-town reception.  The cousin decided that if she had to pay to fly in, she would rather attend the fancy wedding than our loser reception.
I told the MIL again that the guest list was final.  So she called my fiance and told him he needed to call them both and tell them they weren't invited to our wedding.  Can you imagine that conversation?!?  "Hi, I know I never talk to you, but I wanted to let you know that you AREN'T invited to our wedding."  Thankfully, he had the guts to call her back an politely explain how ridiculous that request really was.
Now the MIL wants us to invite her brand new neighbor to the 150 person reception.  DId I mention she lives across the state? Sigh...

lmg236

I'm having the same problem.  People aren't saying they are invited but they are commented on my website and facebook asking when it is and how they are excited to celebrate.  I wasn't planning to invite a bunch of them.  I unfortunately went to several of their weddings so now I'm feeling completely guilty for not inviting them, but we really aren't as close as I am with other people.

What do you do if they imply they are invited but they haven't actually come out and say it?  I don't want to say that they aren't invited if they were just being friendly.  Its a tricky situation and I know people are just excited, but I just want people to wait for their invitations before assuming they are coming.

coreykandarian

Ok, so what about this?  We opted to get married away with just our immediate families.  I know most of my family can't go but there are a few, and some friends, that are planning on making the trek... how do you explain after they've already made up their minds that i've gotta keep it to just the immediate family?

atelliott76

We are having the wedding and  reception on a rented "special events and wedding" yacht so we can use the "Coast Guard Regulations only allows 149 passengers" excuse but what about the fact that the first floor of the yacht where the ceremony is being held only accomodates 105? I have had to nix very close friends who understand the situation just so others who aren't so close and invited themselves can go. UGH!! We're inviting around 100 including the umpteen children and teenagers. It's going to be very uncomfortable if friend / teenage cousin, XYZ, brings their "date of the hour" and my God-mother can't watch the ceremony. Once the boat leaves, we aren't coming back to pick up any late-comers and uninvited guests. The yacht is going to be so cool but it also makes it attractive to those who just want to party on a yacht, not celebrate our wedding. I wish you all the best!!

wicked_faery

i'd respond with "we havn't done invites yet"  don't say that they should wait for one or not... either try to change the subject, or just tell them outright that you just don't have the budget. just don't lead them on.

mstori

We have put on both our invitation and our website that our wedding is an Adults Only affair.  We have even backed this up with the names on the RSVP's being only the Adults names and on the website RSVP - I thought this was as clear as crystal - but no, still i get the calls   ... 'is it ok if my new partner's 13 year old step daughter comes to the wedding, she would be so excited to come?'  ARRRGGHH!!

Tiasharmony

On the topic of family inviting their kids even if not on the invitation.  I'm just factoring that into my 30% don't come equation.  So our venue can only accommodate 120 and I'm ONLY inviting 120 to solve for any overages that might happen with adults bringing their not invited kids.

armartinez4

I'm having the similar issue with sorority sisters, and ones who aren't really my good friends... or ones who I just don't want invited. I am actually debating whether to invite certain friends because they are friends with someone I specifically don't want there. It's soooo silly to have these things to worry about, but it's definitely a reality. I don't know what to say, or if I will say anything. Also, what do people think about this --- if you are invited to someone's wedding that comes before your, are you obligated to invite them too? I have one sorority sister who I think is inviting me to her wedding in the summer, and then another friend of a friend who is just inviting me so our mutual friend (who is a last minute bridesmaid) won't be alone at the wedding. I'm not close with either of these 2 women! I'm not sure what to do, but I do have 5 last minute save the date cards I am still debating on sending out...

jajph1974

I very strongly suggest that most of you that have posted to this thread within the past five hours or so should go through the Etiquette board and read through several days worth of posts.

knowlesk8

I have a lot of out-of-town family. Since we are having the wedding just over a month after one of my cousins is getting married, we aren't sure how many people from that side of the family will be able to make the trip. That being said, I have several people (co-workers mostly) on my second tier for invitations. I am going to invite them if there is room, if my family cannot make it. I had one of those co-workers ask me the other day if she was going to be invited. Is it weird to pull the "we are keeping the wedding small" line, and then later invite that same person? Obviously I don't want to tell that person they are second string, but I don't want to say yes, then find that I don't have enough room after all. Any ideas on how to field that?

amandapearlboswell

Have you guys had people invite themselves on facebook? I've gotten messages and wall posts from fb 'friends' saying they can't wait for the wedding... Uh, yah I haven't physically talked to you in about 2 years and you JUST invited me to a fb friend. honestly you think you're invited?? ugh.
***sorry for the rant.****

PLEASE KEEP RANTING! I thought I was the only person this happened to. I also get drunk phone calls from one girl I graduated high school with who keeps asking if she's invited. We were friends when we were little and when I saw her out at a bar over Thanksgiving, she told me she felt she has the "right" to be invited because we "played dress up and barbies together" when we were little. REALLY?

AmandaB9

mcdol3:

Yep, I definitely have the same facebook problem! Still being in college, most of my friends are on there. One of my close invited friends said something about getting her save the date and a girl from my high school responded to the effect of 'where's my invite?' I haven't spoken to her since graduation about 4 years ago, so I just ignored it. (She was definitely serious, but I definitely wouldn't have assumed I was invited to hers though!)  Luckily I haven't gotten too many responses like that but I normally try to smoothly change the subject.

vrj91

There is a girl that is honestly a skank in our town that ALL the boys are "friends" with (not my man of course! but his friends) but I have a feeling that she is going to think party and just show up uninvited! This WILL NOT be ok! I don't know what I will do but I know I don't want her there because of the things she does! WHAT DO I DO???

mstori

If there is someone you don't want crashing your day - Ask your 6ft5 brother/cousin/neighbor to be a bouncer (make sure he isn't friends with her and make sure he has a picture) - he can just say ' sorry, invites only'

AND YES, FACEBOOK!! ARGH, my cousin who I haven't seen since I was 12 sent me a message saying ' can't wait to see you at the wedding, unfortunately I can't bring my partner for you to meet as he doesn't like to fly, but I am bringing cousin S***, Mom and Aunty Sarah and her boyfriend' 

I wasn't even inviting her - now I have 5 other people - Cr*p!

NEVER NEVER NEVER TALK WEDDING ON YOUR FACEBOOK WALL - or you will either have to say 'No' to a lot of people or double your guest list.

fergus711

I think it's a problem that everyone getting married faces in one way or another. I have a few co-workers who I don't speak to on a weekly basis let alone a daily one and they keep asking when the invites are going out. I even had one offer to pay for her own meal if I would invite her. I finally had to tell them that "sorry but my church holds at most 110 people and just family alone is 150 so we just don't have the room" I'm still not sure if she got it.

jbrumit

I feel like every situation posted on here so far has happened to me! I have literally had at least 25 people invite themselves, and I never know what to do, so I always say something like, "of course you're invited!" I know that is completely ridiculous, but I hate hurting people's feelings! Three times now, I've seen an old girl-friend at a bar, and each girl was kind of drunk and literally begged me to be invited! Seriously saying "please, please, please!" I just felt too bad to say no to that! So from the start I've been adding these people to the list, but now I'm having to start cutting the list because it's gotten too big. Is it awful to have told people that they can come and then not invite them? I don't know what else to do! I don't want to have to cut someone we care about so that some girl I had Biology with 3 years ago can come! Help!!

jenanderic814

I am miserable with this issue.  Our wedding has swelled from 135 to 175 with a lot of offended family friends because they didn't receive Save the Date cards (invites haven't even gone out).  I have people suggesting that I call their friends to explain why they are not invited!  This is insane, inconsiderate and adding to my stress level. 

When one person was particularly agressive about getting a plus obe plus additional friends, I told her she can feel free to pass the collection plate.

All of this is a by-product of these people not having planned or paid for a wedding.  I try to be patient, but it gets harder everyday.

Here's hoping rude non-invitees ease up before we all become Bridezillas!

gmcdonald523

The next person who invites themselves to our wedding will be faced with a $60 dinner and bar charge. Maybe then they will keep their mouth shut! LOL

gmcdonald523

You are probably the one who will have to deal with FMIL unfortunately. You could probably handle it better anyway. Just let her know that the wedding is far too expensive as it is, let alone paying for kids to eat too. We have a similar situation going on, but at our hall, even kids under 3 are charged half price so we made Adult Reception Only invites. I'm still planning on issues with some tho...