Etiquette

He wants a pre-nup, I feel horrible and insulted.

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Re: He wants a pre-nup, I feel horrible and insulted.

  • preloo said:
    phira said:
    Either this is MUD or the OP needs therapy immediately. I'm thinking maybe MUD because, uh ... she hears it's awful being a single woman in your 30s?
    I've actually been relatively calm even in the face of being called crazy, but what is MUD?  Is this yet another armchair psychologist diagnosis?  For the record I'm surprised nobody else here has heard being single in their 30s sucks...most of my friends are older than me and have a horrible time dating.
    MUD = Made Up Drama
    Ah, got it.  I figured it meant something akin to trolling the more I read people's posts, but yeah.  Anyway, it's not made up, although tbh I don't really care if strangers on the Internet think it is.  I feel better after talking to FI so that's really all that matters (and of course some women here helped too)
  • preloo said:
    sarahufl said:
    preloo said:
    I just used to live in NYC and honestly the stuff I saw wealthy men do made me really sick.  I want to think my fiance isn't like that, but I also didn't think all my friends' dads were like that.
    This is rude. And disgusting. Shame on you.
    Really?  It's disgusting that I'm reporting on things I actually saw, and saying they made me upset?  You're right, I should have been more accepting of the men who left their wives of 30 years to marry Russian escorts.


    OP, you seem to be full of very specific examples of the type of woman you believe your FI will cheat with. Did you catch him watching these types of porn or something? You have a wildly vivid imagination and you're allowing it to drive you crazy. Note, I'm not calling you crazy. I'm telling you that you're driving yourself crazy. Your fears as irrational at best and, if they're actually warranted, they are proof that you need further therapy.

    ETA I'm also not just taking low blows at you. I graduated Summa Cum Laude with a Bachelor's degree in Social Work, and I used to specialize in domestic violence and unhealthy relationships. I'm speaking to you from my professional experience.
    No I don't think you are taking low blows at me- I think other people have, though.

    Haha no, SO doesn't watch any porn that gave me these ideas.  However I am one of the only American-born women he has dated and it often feels like he has a fetish for the "exotic" (although he insists it was only circumstance and that it's not true, that he loves me, etc).

    However it's pretty common in areas of NYC (where I was, at least) to see men in their 50s with adult kids from a previous marriage, married to some gold digging 28-year-old who wants to open her own cupcake store or something.  I know it sounds oddly specific, and yes I do have a very active imagination (I'm a creative writer in my free time, so it comes with the territory) but the Russian model thing is actually kind of a lazy stereotype on my part- it's SO common that it's not even a testament to my creativity.  I have literally seen that IRL.
  • Ugh, quote box messed up on my previous post and idk how to edit it.  Sorry guys
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    preloo said:
    sarahufl said:
    preloo said:
    I just used to live in NYC and honestly the stuff I saw wealthy men do made me really sick.  I want to think my fiance isn't like that, but I also didn't think all my friends' dads were like that.
    This is rude. And disgusting. Shame on you.
    Really?  It's disgusting that I'm reporting on things I actually saw, and saying they made me upset?  You're right, I should have been more accepting of the men who left their wives of 30 years to marry Russian escorts.


    I know posters are concerned about your negativity and anger, but honestly, you sound downright hostile.  And you have cited a pretty darn specific example of a cheating man.  OP, you clearly have a personal investment in your attitude, and it will not go away without the proper mental and medical management.  It would be unfair to yourself and your FI to enter into any new phase of your life without taking care of yourself first.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • mobkaz said:
    preloo said:
    sarahufl said:
    preloo said:
    I just used to live in NYC and honestly the stuff I saw wealthy men do made me really sick.  I want to think my fiance isn't like that, but I also didn't think all my friends' dads were like that.
    This is rude. And disgusting. Shame on you.
    Really?  It's disgusting that I'm reporting on things I actually saw, and saying they made me upset?  You're right, I should have been more accepting of the men who left their wives of 30 years to marry Russian escorts.


    I know posters are concerned about your negativity and anger, but honestly, you sound downright hostile.  And you have cited a pretty darn specific example of a cheating man.  OP, you clearly have a personal investment in your attitude, and it will not go away without the proper mental and medical management.  It would be unfair to yourself and your FI to enter into any new phase of your life without taking care of yourself first.
    I am hostile toward cheaters and homewreckers.  I know how it comes off, and that's how I intend for it to come off.  Unless someone here has broken up a marriage deliberately, then it's not directed at anyone here.  I'm also hostile towards racists, violent people, homophobes, etc...I'm allowed to be hostile to people who do awful things.
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    preloo said:
    mobkaz said:
    preloo said:
    sarahufl said:
    preloo said:
    I just used to live in NYC and honestly the stuff I saw wealthy men do made me really sick.  I want to think my fiance isn't like that, but I also didn't think all my friends' dads were like that.
    This is rude. And disgusting. Shame on you.
    Really?  It's disgusting that I'm reporting on things I actually saw, and saying they made me upset?  You're right, I should have been more accepting of the men who left their wives of 30 years to marry Russian escorts.


    I know posters are concerned about your negativity and anger, but honestly, you sound downright hostile.  And you have cited a pretty darn specific example of a cheating man.  OP, you clearly have a personal investment in your attitude, and it will not go away without the proper mental and medical management.  It would be unfair to yourself and your FI to enter into any new phase of your life without taking care of yourself first.
    I am hostile toward cheaters and homewreckers.  I know how it comes off, and that's how I intend for it to come off.  Unless someone here has broken up a marriage deliberately, then it's not directed at anyone here.  I'm also hostile towards racists, violent people, homophobes, etc...I'm allowed to be hostile to people who do awful things.
    Hostile is not healthy.
    ChemFanatic25s-aries8990crunchymamaof2
  • Disclaimer: I did not read other responses.

    Your fiance is a very smart man to get a pre-nup. Because pre-nups protect BOTH of you. They protect you as well as him. There is nothing insulting or dooming about a pre-nup.

    I asked my husband to sign a pre-nup. He didn't have a single objection because he understood that I had significant investments and assets that I wanted to protect. Sorry, but no one but me in entitled to the money *I* saved for my retirement or that I invested in my home or otherwise. We love each other and here on out we are partners but he doesn't get to claim my assets because we got married. We are both protected by our pre-nup because I don't see any reason a marriage ending should also ruin one or both people's lives financially. The pre-nup ensures you won't be any worse off than you are unmarried.

    You should seek pre marital counseling. If he wants a pre-nup, the legal fees are on him, however, you will be given the option to seek outside counsel to review the document - those are on you. The same lawyer cannot ethically represent both of you.
    prelooPrettyGirlLost
  • I live in Los Angeles, where we have equally wealthy people and their unique lives, and I've really only personally seen one case of a much older guy with a much younger woman (and he's somewhat of a laughing stock for it). And I've known many people who could very easily have done everything you've suggested--but they haven't. Because they love the women they married. A pre-nup means zilch about love or romance or feelings about one another. It's all about legal ramifications. 

    I'm a big advocate for pre-nups because I think they protect all parties involved in the marriage. They have a terrible rep because people see them--well, the way you do, I guess. But really, they are documents handled by lawyers to protect the assets of both parties in the case of pretty much anything. I mean, it's not just about divorce--how will you handle finances as a married couple? What about children? And what if he takes on partnerships in his business...do you want them coming after your assets? Pre-nups help protect both of you, and I truly believe that anyone who owns anything of value should have one. Perhaps I have a cold view of marriage, but that's what you get when you talk to someone who's studying law and business (amongst other fields). 

    OP, I haven't read the whole thread, but I want to give you the benefit of the doubt and say that you've seen some bad situations and have a bit of an insecurity issue WRT your FI. But you should absolutely take into consideration all of the variables that come with the marriage (not the wedding--the wedding is one day). Perhaps this is the wrong time for you two to have a wedding. 
    PrettyGirlLostAmyzen83RebeccaB88
  • @mobkaz

    (sorry, these texts quotes are getting way too long lol)

    I get that being hostile isnt' "healthy" but you'd be hard pressed to find anyone who isn't at least a little hostile toward SOME people.  You're telling me you're accepting of the Westboro Baptist Church?  Murderers?  I mean, some things just make me see red.  Cheaters and homewreckers fall into that category.  Maybe I need to get more "zen", idk...but I don't think I'm the only person on earth with hostility toward morally bankrupt people.
  • I live in Los Angeles, where we have equally wealthy people and their unique lives, and I've really only personally seen one case of a much older guy with a much younger woman (and he's somewhat of a laughing stock for it). And I've known many people who could very easily have done everything you've suggested--but they haven't. Because they love the women they married. A pre-nup means zilch about love or romance or feelings about one another. It's all about legal ramifications. 

    I'm a big advocate for pre-nups because I think they protect all parties involved in the marriage. They have a terrible rep because people see them--well, the way you do, I guess. But really, they are documents handled by lawyers to protect the assets of both parties in the case of pretty much anything. I mean, it's not just about divorce--how will you handle finances as a married couple? What about children? And what if he takes on partnerships in his business...do you want them coming after your assets? Pre-nups help protect both of you, and I truly believe that anyone who owns anything of value should have one. Perhaps I have a cold view of marriage, but that's what you get when you talk to someone who's studying law and business (amongst other fields). 

    OP, I haven't read the whole thread, but I want to give you the benefit of the doubt and say that you've seen some bad situations and have a bit of an insecurity issue WRT your FI. But you should absolutely take into consideration all of the variables that come with the marriage (not the wedding--the wedding is one day). Perhaps this is the wrong time for you two to have a wedding. 
    I appreciate your post- I'm actually fine with the pre-nup now- I talked to FI about it, learned more about why he wanted one (he originally didn't even know- he just said his investor recommended it and so we were both quite confused).  I felt like he was doubting me, doubting our marriage and thinking I was a gold digger so yeah, I panicked.  All is well now.  Well, at least with that.  I still have anxiety and I'm still being given crap for not being supportive enough of affairs.  Go figure. lol
  • preloo said:
    I live in Los Angeles, where we have equally wealthy people and their unique lives, and I've really only personally seen one case of a much older guy with a much younger woman (and he's somewhat of a laughing stock for it). And I've known many people who could very easily have done everything you've suggested--but they haven't. Because they love the women they married. A pre-nup means zilch about love or romance or feelings about one another. It's all about legal ramifications. 

    I'm a big advocate for pre-nups because I think they protect all parties involved in the marriage. They have a terrible rep because people see them--well, the way you do, I guess. But really, they are documents handled by lawyers to protect the assets of both parties in the case of pretty much anything. I mean, it's not just about divorce--how will you handle finances as a married couple? What about children? And what if he takes on partnerships in his business...do you want them coming after your assets? Pre-nups help protect both of you, and I truly believe that anyone who owns anything of value should have one. Perhaps I have a cold view of marriage, but that's what you get when you talk to someone who's studying law and business (amongst other fields). 

    OP, I haven't read the whole thread, but I want to give you the benefit of the doubt and say that you've seen some bad situations and have a bit of an insecurity issue WRT your FI. But you should absolutely take into consideration all of the variables that come with the marriage (not the wedding--the wedding is one day). Perhaps this is the wrong time for you two to have a wedding. 
    I appreciate your post- I'm actually fine with the pre-nup now- I talked to FI about it, learned more about why he wanted one (he originally didn't even know- he just said his investor recommended it and so we were both quite confused).  I felt like he was doubting me, doubting our marriage and thinking I was a gold digger so yeah, I panicked.  All is well now.  Well, at least with that.  I still have anxiety and I'm still being given crap for not being supportive enough of affairs.  Go figure. lol
    I think this is one of those times where you're supposed to politely thank everyone, apologize for any misunderstanding, and walk away from the boards for a bit... :)
  • @fionahalliwell

    I'll thank everyone who helped (and that's a lot of people) but I won't thank people who gave me crap for not being nicer to homewreckers and who said 'shame on you' because I'm not cool with adultery- or people who assumed I was some dopey troll making the entire thing up.  I stand by my opinions, and that's that.

    But yes, thanks to everyone who explained what a pre-nup really was (bc we didn't really know) and who spoke rationally and made great points.  
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    preloo said:
    @mobkaz

    (sorry, these texts quotes are getting way too long lol)

    I get that being hostile isnt' "healthy" but you'd be hard pressed to find anyone who isn't at least a little hostile toward SOME people.  You're telling me you're accepting of the Westboro Baptist Church?  Murderers?  I mean, some things just make me see red.  Cheaters and homewreckers fall into that category.  Maybe I need to get more "zen", idk...but I don't think I'm the only person on earth with hostility toward morally bankrupt people.

    I do indeed have moments when my blood boils.  But that is what they are.....moments.  I acknowledge it, and then find a safe way to release it.  I do not walk with hostility in my heart and soul on a daily basis.  No offense, but you seem to be making it a lifestyle choice.  That is not healthy.
  • @SKPM

    As I said, I've already been in therapy for 15+ years (by the way, that was about 5 different therapists) and the results were negligible and definitely not worth the money.  I hope you can understand why I'm not eagerly shelling out what little savings I have to something that might not even work.  If I can find some low-cost alternative, then maybe- so again, I'm looking into that.  I've already been told the all-magical "therapy" answer by about 100 people now.

    As for being a spinster, I have yet to meet a genuinely happy single woman who is in her 30s.  I'm sure it happens, but I don't see it often.  All my friends fall into this demographic and they are all hoping to get married.  I don't see any of them happily reveling in the single life.

    Also, the comment about being hostile didn't have a clause about what I'm allowed to be hostile about and what I'm not allowed to be hostile about.  Even if it did, that doesn't fall into the category of things I'm willing to take as the gospel, when coming from Internet strangers.  I think it's really sad how much of a mockery marriage has become in this day and age, how much adultery goes on, and how little people care about being faithful.  It might not make everyone angry, but it makes ME angry and I think I'm allowed to feel that way. 
  • mobkaz said:
    preloo said:
    @mobkaz

    (sorry, these texts quotes are getting way too long lol)

    I get that being hostile isnt' "healthy" but you'd be hard pressed to find anyone who isn't at least a little hostile toward SOME people.  You're telling me you're accepting of the Westboro Baptist Church?  Murderers?  I mean, some things just make me see red.  Cheaters and homewreckers fall into that category.  Maybe I need to get more "zen", idk...but I don't think I'm the only person on earth with hostility toward morally bankrupt people.

    I do indeed have moments when my blood boils.  But that is what they are.....moments.  I acknowledge it, and then find a safe way to release it.  I do not walk with hostility in my heart and soul on a daily basis.  No offense, but you seem to be making it a lifestyle choice.  That is not healthy.
    Not offended, but keep in mind you don't know me, you're seeing me in a moment of panic on an Internet forum.  If you knew me in real life I'd be inclined to take this seriously, but the same way I can't judge you from seeing a few of your posts, you can't really do that with me.  Most of the time I'm not hostile at all, but certain things really rile me up from time to time.  
  • preloopreloo member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited February 2014
    @Mandafly84

    How do you know I spend all my time thinking about those things?  Because I got mad about them on an Internet forum once?  How do you know I don't already have a job, and several other fulfilling hobbies?  

    That's like saying "Oh, racism makes you mad?  Maybe you should take up yoga!"

    I have a very full life, just certain things really get my goat.  I'm sure everyone has their pet peeves that rile them up and make them mad, and I doubt I'm that unusual.

    ETA: I don't mean this in an attacking way...just saying you can't possibly infer such things from reading a few posts on the 'net.  
  • preloo said:
    @SKPM

    As I said, I've already been in therapy for 15+ years (by the way, that was about 5 different therapists) and the results were negligible and definitely not worth the money.  I hope you can understand why I'm not eagerly shelling out what little savings I have to something that might not even work.  If I can find some low-cost alternative, then maybe- so again, I'm looking into that.  I've already been told the all-magical "therapy" answer by about 100 people now.

    As for being a spinster, I have yet to meet a genuinely happy single woman who is in her 30s.  I'm sure it happens, but I don't see it often.  All my friends fall into this demographic and they are all hoping to get married.  I don't see any of them happily reveling in the single life.

    Also, the comment about being hostile didn't have a clause about what I'm allowed to be hostile about and what I'm not allowed to be hostile about.  Even if it did, that doesn't fall into the category of things I'm willing to take as the gospel, when coming from Internet strangers.  I think it's really sad how much of a mockery marriage has become in this day and age, how much adultery goes on, and how little people care about being faithful.  It might not make everyone angry, but it makes ME angry and I think I'm allowed to feel that way. 
    Sure, you're allowed to have your feelings. It just sounds like they are running your life.

    I hope you find something in life that helps fulfill you mentally and emotionally so that you can be happy in your life, regardless of age and relationship status.

    photo fancy-as-fuck.jpg
  • preloopreloo member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited February 2014
    @SK3PM

    Again (and by the way, thanks, I appreciate what you said) there's no proof this is running my life.  There is only proof that for a few hours, on and off, I posted angrily about something on the Internet.  I was looking for advice on how to handle the pre-nup thing; I got that advice and it was awesome.  I am not, however, looking for people to infer huge things about my life just by reading a few posts I made on ONE topic that riles me up.  Just because one thread on the Internet is run by one particular thought doesn't mean my life is.  In fact, I don't think about this stuff that often unless something triggers it (anxiety, right?) and this kind of triggered it.  The vast majority of the time, affairs aren't really on my mind.

    ETA: As for stuff that fulfills me, I have a lot of hobbies and passions that I love and that make me happy, outside of my relationship.  That doesn't mean I won't still have moments of anger and anxiety.
  • SKPMSKPM member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited February 2014
    When you started the discussion, you were upset because your FI wanted a pre-nup to cover his business/investors. (BTW, there were a couple of good comments a few pages back about the rationale behind a business-owner needing a pre-nup.) That seemed to escalate really quickly, IMO, to your seemingly unfounded concern that your FI will be wooed by a Russian model as soon as you get a wrinkle or gray hair. All we can go on is what you post. I realize you probably posted in a heightened emotional state, and hopefully you aren't existing in that state 24/7.

    Anyway, I recommend revisiting the PPs from folks with a better business/law background than I have. Afterward, I recommend having a calm, rational discussion with your FI. Finally, I reiterate that I hope you find something that helps you stay centered. Yoga, group therapy, a creative outlet, a self-help book, journaling, whatever. Bonus points for any new friends who are comfortable with the possibility of not landing a man by 30 and/or women with successful marriages who can be role models for you.

    (Edited: forgot a word)

    photo fancy-as-fuck.jpg
  • @SKPM

    Yep, I was really relieved to see more explanations of how a pre-nup works. Now it also makes sense that his investor recommended it (I had assumed he was just being annoying). And don't worry about me existing in this state 24/7, that would be exhausting- I catalog my anxiety/panics, I rate them on a 1-5 scale.  This was probably a 4, but normally they're 2s or 1s.  I often go days without having a 4.  Just a trick I learned from my last therapist, I'm sure you're familiar with it.
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    preloo said:
    phira said:
    Either this is MUD or the OP needs therapy immediately. I'm thinking maybe MUD because, uh ... she hears it's awful being a single woman in your 30s?
    I've actually been relatively calm even in the face of being called crazy, No one called you crazy.  You admitted to us you have an anxiety disorder.  but what is MUD?  Made Up Drama.  Is this yet another armchair psychologist diagnosis?  You are going to be condescending with us when we are trying to offer you help?  It doesn't take a psychology degree to see that a person who admits to having an anxiety disorder and who is making statements that are anxious and paranoid is in need of some counseling.  For the record I'm surprised nobody else here has heard being single in their 30s sucks...most of my friends are older than me and have a horrible time dating.

    Are you going to address some of the comments I have made, or are you going to continue to ignore them @preloo

    preloo said:
    I just want to say that just going to therapy doesn't mean you have a mental illness. Sometimes, you just need a different perspective.
    I know :) I actually do have a mental illness though, I have GAD.  It's not severe or anything but I'm a little wary of "therapy" as a be-all end-all solution because I was in therapy for 15 years with very negligible results.
    Not all therapists are the same- there are sucky ones out there.  In your 15 years of therapy you may not have found a therapist that worked for you.

    Plus, you have to be open to accept the information and guidance they give you and you have to be willing to actually work on the things they tell you to work on.

    Based on this thread, I agree with PP's who are urging you to seek individual therapy.  Your anxiety disorder does not sound like it is in check at all, and simply taking medication w/o learning to modify your own behavior is not going to be effective.  Your past experiences with divorce in your own life and in the lives of friends seems to be adding to your anxieties about getting married, and it sounds like you are projecting things onto your relationship with your FI.

    PP's have given you numerous suggestions on where to look for resources for affordable therapy options- please look into your options, and please go and talk to someone regularly.  If you have to postpone your wedding in order to divert money towards therapy, do it.

    You will be better off and feel better in the long run.

    preloo said:
    Oh, I'm in my mid20s so I'd actually be extremely relieved if being 30 and single wasn't horrible, but from everything I hear it sounds really rough on the women.
    Hear from whom?  Where are you getting these crazy notions from?

    I also think you need to reevaluate your ideas on being single, they seem unhealthy. 

    Being in a relationship is not the end all be all of life.  It should not define you or be a metric of your own self worth.  This is something you should discuss with a counselor.

    I am truly very sorry you are suffering- living with this level of constant anxiety would be awful.  But there is nothing that myself or anyone else on this forum can do for you besides empathize with you and encourage you to seek counseling.  Why is suggesting something that can ultimately help you to feel better make us the bad guys?  If an admitted diabetic posted that they were having issues with their blood sugar, you can be sure we'd tell them to go to a doctor and take their insulin!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Also, please consider getting a lawyer of your own to review any pre-nup before you sign it.  This is just to protect yourself, and not a suggestion because I think your FI is malicious or wants to screw you over.

    Good luck.  I hope you can get your anxiety in check so that you can enjoy the rest of your engagement and your wedding day.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    tcnoble
  • sarahuflsarahufl New York member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    sarahufl said:
    preloo said:
    I just used to live in NYC and honestly the stuff I saw wealthy men do made me really sick.  I want to think my fiance isn't like that, but I also didn't think all my friends' dads were like that.
    This is rude. And disgusting. Shame on you.
    Really?  It's disgusting that I'm reporting on things I actually saw, and saying they made me upset?  You're right, I should have been more accepting of the men who left their wives of 30 years to marry Russian escorts.

    *stuck in a box*- I live in NYC and I am marrying someone with money. Stop making generalizations. They don't all suck.
    image
    PrettyGirlLosttcnoble
  • @PrettyGirlLost

    I didn't intentionally ignore you, I've gotten a lot of responses.  Sorry about that.

    1.) I didn't know what MUD was, and after being told to seek therapy 100 times (after I already said I would, no less!) it was safe to conclude it was some kind of mental disorder.  I don't know all the internet abbreviations, but I conceded I was wrong when someone told me what it meant.

    2.) I'm not making the entire board into bad guys.  In fact, I thanked the vast majority of posters for being helpful and further explaining reasons for getting a prenup.  It was really helpful!  However, that doesn't mean I'm not still going to be resentful that I was insulted and pseudo-psychoanalyzed (people making assumptions not about my current state of anxiety, but about my life as a whole).  Luckily, that wasn't the majority of the comments but I'm not going to say those were helpful, because they weren't.

    3.) I don't have a problem with anyone telling me to seek therapy.  In fact, numerous times I said I was open to it.  I'm not 100% sure it's an awesome idea, because I don't know if I'll be able to find a low-cost option (and in those 15 years I saw NUMEROUS therapists, all of whom were somewhat useless) but yah, I'm open to it.  I resent being told to seek therapy millions of times after I said I would do it, but I'm just guessing those people didn't read all the comments.

    As for "everything I hear" I'm going by my older friends, my mother, and her friends who are single.  I know more unhappy older single women than happy older single women.  In fact, even the single women I know in their 20s seem to have a pretty unhappy existence because guys are constantly using them for sex.  Obviously, a small sample size- but you asked where I'm hearing this stuff, so there goes.  I regularly hear from 30+ women that the only men who approach them are middle-aged.

    Don't worry about me living in this state 24/7 because I don't.  Anxiety isn't necessarily a constant.  For me it comes in spurts, brought on by triggers (this situation was a trigger, and then some of the comments were triggers) but ordinarily I'm fine.  Therapy has been tough for me because I tend not to be in high-anxiety mode when I'm at the therapist, and sometimes there is little to talk about.  It's one reason why journaling and meditation have actually been more helpful for me than therapy.
  • sarahuflsarahufl New York member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    wow, this is 30 minutes of my life I will never get back.

    I feel sorry for people who think their lives are over if they turn 30 and don't have a man around. Enjoy life for what it is, travel, move cool places. Or get married when you are 22. Who cares? Just me the best of your situation.
    image
  • sarahufl said:
    sarahufl said:
    preloo said:
    I just used to live in NYC and honestly the stuff I saw wealthy men do made me really sick.  I want to think my fiance isn't like that, but I also didn't think all my friends' dads were like that.
    This is rude. And disgusting. Shame on you.
    Really?  It's disgusting that I'm reporting on things I actually saw, and saying they made me upset?  You're right, I should have been more accepting of the men who left their wives of 30 years to marry Russian escorts.

    *stuck in a box*- I live in NYC and I am marrying someone with money. Stop making generalizations. They don't all suck.
    Unless you were complicit in breaking up his marriage (which I doubt you were) then I'm not talking about you.  I'm aware not all NYC wealthy men are bad people, but I do know that money has a really nasty way of changing men and making them very shallow and self-centered.  Obviously this isn't a foolproof thing and it's not 100% of men.
  • lyndausvi said:
    I got married for the first time at 38.  I had an awesome pre-marriage life. I travelled the world then moved to the islands.  Had the most amazing carefree-stressfree job, then I met my DH.  My life has only gotten better since meeting him, but it was pretty damn good pre-DH.

    Looking back I wouldn't change a thing.
    This is nice to see.  I don't mean this in a mean way, but how were you never worried about finding a good man at that age? (Obviously you did, but I mean before that)  I'm 24 and until I got engaged I was terrified of being single, I can't imagine being so calm in my thirties.  Again, I feel like a product of a different decade, but I can't imagine how anyone can do that and have fun!  So you never worried at all??  Did you date or were you mostly focused on other things?  I would love to be confident enough not to worry in that situation.
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