Etiquette

He wants a pre-nup, I feel horrible and insulted.

My fiance and I are both young and have modest savings but he owns his own company, and so that is a large asset. He says that he would like a pre-nup which would cover this company's earnings, but nothing after this company (so if he goes onto another company later, that wouldn't be part of it). Some investor of his recommended this, and I can't even tell you how furious I am at this busybody for trying to mess things up. I take this as a direct insult to me, a sign that he doesn't even want to marry me. Divorce is not an option for me, and he knows it- so basically, this prenup is just covering HIS ass in case he wants to leave me for some slutty young secretary years down the road. Men leave women for no reason all the time, and I worry about it a lot since my parents are divorced, so this makes me VERY upset and hurt. I want divorce to be HARD so he can't run out on me easily, and there he goes, making divorce a super-fun easy route with this sh*tty prenup. I don't want to sign it, but more than that, I'm extremely hurt and I feel betrayed. To me this is a sign he doesn't even want to get married. I'm not materialistic and I've never shown that tendency in our 5+ years together. All I want is a marriage that is stable and secure and I feel like a prenup takes that away from me.
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Re: He wants a pre-nup, I feel horrible and insulted.

  • @grumbledore

    That's a cost I'm not sure we can afford...that's another thing I don't like about the prenup- the legal fees!  It just seems like a total headache.
  • preloo said:
    @grumbledore

    That's a cost I'm not sure we can afford...that's another thing I don't like about the prenup- the legal fees!  It just seems like a total headache.
    I agree with @grumbledore.  If you're this hurt by a prenup, you may want to talk this out in counselling.  Premarital counselling doesn't have to cost a lot (or anything).  If either of you are religious you could probably start counselling there.

    cowgirl8238mrsfinniSabinus15lizybeff
  • preloo said:
    @grumbledore

    That's a cost I'm not sure we can afford...that's another thing I don't like about the prenup- the legal fees!  It just seems like a total headache.

    This is just my personal opinion, but I think it's a good idea for all couples. Also, if you go to a church, it might be free (I know it is at ours). Even if there is a cost associated, imo, it's worth it, especially where it sounds like there are some issues.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    cowgirl8238PrettyGirlLostAmyzen83[Deleted User]
  • If I were you, OP, I would wait until I calmed down and then tell him, CALMLY, your feelings and fears.  See what he says.  This needs to be a long, serious, calm conversation.
    image
    grumbledores-aries8990Amyzen83
  • I think all men have it in them to cheat and be mindless and leave women for no reason.  I think my fiance is a wonderful man but I think if a supermodel wanted ANY man to leave his wife, he'd do it.  Just being realistic.  
  • I just used to live in NYC and honestly the stuff I saw wealthy men do made me really sick.  I want to think my fiance isn't like that, but I also didn't think all my friends' dads were like that.
  • Well I'm marrying a guy who could do a lot better than me.  It's realistic to think that another woman could steal him down the road when I'm less physically attractive.  My parents are divorced so maybe this is just my childhood talking but I want security and I feel like a prenup takes that away.
    Amyzen83
  • First of all you should calm down and not sign anything before having a lawyer look at it. Seriously. 

    There is nothing wrong with a pre-nup and it doesn't mean that your marriage is doomed to failure. If your FI has a company, he has to think about the future of that company and any employees, investments, etc. If you are completely and wholly unconnected to that company, you shouldn't care if he takes it off the table in a future (and hopefully non-existent) divorce. If you are connected with the company in ANY way financially, you need to have your lawyer look over the pre-nup.

    Take this opportunity to think about any assets you might have and want to protect. 

    I agree with PP. Pre-marital counseling sounds like it would help.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • I feel that it's concerning to see signing a pre-nup as an easy way for him to get out of marriage.  Pre-nups do no such thing, it's just about protecting his business.  You're reading WAAAY too far into this.

    Also, if the fact that your parents are divorced is still bringing up issues, you might want to consider private therapy, in addition to couples therapy.  (That is not meant to be mean, I just know that when I was younger and my parents split, therapy helped me get over it so that it doesn't hurt my current relationships.)
    I don't think it's mean :) the truth is we just can't afford it.  The only reason we're having a wedding instead of eloping is because my parents are paying and even then it's small.  
  • KatWAG said:
    preloo said:
    My fiance and I are both young and have modest savings but he owns his own company, and so that is a large asset. He says that he would like a pre-nup which would cover this company's earnings, but nothing after this company (so if he goes onto another company later, that wouldn't be part of it). Some investor of his recommended this, and I can't even tell you how furious I am at this busybody for trying to mess things up. I take this as a direct insult to me, a sign that he doesn't even want to marry me. Divorce is not an option for me, and he knows it- so basically, this prenup is just covering HIS ass in case he wants to leave me for some slutty young secretary years down the road. Men leave women for no reason all the time, and I worry about it a lot since my parents are divorced, so this makes me VERY upset and hurt. I want divorce to be HARD so he can't run out on me easily, and there he goes, making divorce a super-fun easy route with this sh*tty prenup. I don't want to sign it, but more than that, I'm extremely hurt and I feel betrayed. To me this is a sign he doesn't even want to get married. I'm not materialistic and I've never shown that tendency in our 5+ years together. All I want is a marriage that is stable and secure and I feel like a prenup takes that away from me.

    I am sorry but there are so many red flags here. It sounds like you are very insecure in your relationship. Pre-nups arent an insult. They are like insurance, simply being prepared for the worst. If you think there is a chance your fi will "leave you for no reason at all." Run, dont walk, to couples therapy.

    And saying "divorce is not an option" is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. You are saying under no circumstances would you get divorced, and I think that is naive thinking. If your H cheated on you and gave you an STD, you wouldn't consider it? What if he abused you? Or abused your children? What if he raped you? You can honestly say, you would consider divorce?

    I guess divorce is an option for me in those scenarios (although if he gave me an incurable STD I'd probably stay with him out of necessity) but the pre-nup would only protect him, not me, since he's the wealthier party.  So even from a logical standpoint, I don't see why I'd be on board with it.
  • mbross3 said:
    First of all you should calm down and not sign anything before having a lawyer look at it. Seriously. 

    There is nothing wrong with a pre-nup and it doesn't mean that your marriage is doomed to failure. If your FI has a company, he has to think about the future of that company and any employees, investments, etc. If you are completely and wholly unconnected to that company, you shouldn't care if he takes it off the table in a future (and hopefully non-existent) divorce. If you are connected with the company in ANY way financially, you need to have your lawyer look over the pre-nup.

    Take this opportunity to think about any assets you might have and want to protect. 

    I agree with PP. Pre-marital counseling sounds like it would help.
    Nope, I'm not connected to the company outside of doing occasional unpaid secretarial work for him.  But yeah, not really connected.

    Even though I know people are insulting my mental state here (not you) I am getting good advice...I hadn't thought about the ways divorce can mess with a business and I understand him wanting to protect that.  It just seems crazy because he knows he would have to do something heinous for me to leave!
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