Wedding Etiquette Forum

Honeymoon Jar?

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Re: Honeymoon Jar?

  •  @ Katwag - I think now you are the one being rude. Ookoeg told you up front she is an African American from Ghana and that it is common and not at all rude in her culture. What gives you any right to tell her that her culture and her aunt or uncle starting a dollar dance is wrong? You're right - this is supposed to be about ettique but apparently you have none.

    Well said.
  • I would like to respond to your original question. I have heard of the dollar dance and where I'm from the dollar dance is as normal as throwing the bouquet. I think the important thing to make decisions is that u know your guests and what would be and not be acceptable. Where I'm from having the dance is welcomed and not rude. Each wedding is unique which is what makes it special. I hope you have a great day regardless of ur decision.
  • edited May 2014
    KatWAG said:
    Ookoeq said:
    Hello all! I find this post very interesting. I guess I am doing everything WRONG or RUDE in your eyes. But hey, its my wedding. I would like to address both things.

    Dollar Dance: I am an African American bride from Ghana. It is common to do this. No one is obligated to do the dance, give money, or anything. Usually an aunt or uncle would just start it. Its not like the MC will say "Hey everyone its dollar dance time." I don't expect for anyone to start it or for everyone to join in, but I will NOT object if an aunt would like to wipe my brow with a couple of bills lol

    Honeymoon registry: I asked my planner what we should put on our registry. We live together, we have all new stuff already, we really don't need anything from a typical registry. We have set up a honeymoon registry and it is open for their donation. I know some people will still buy a gift, which is more than welcomed and appreciated!

    I feel like many are really "tight" about this topic. I just laugh sometimes but hey, to each their own!

    Congrats to all the brides out there! I'm super excited! 76 days way! YAY!
     
    So, you know what you are doing is rude, yet you dont care? awesome. This is an etiquette board, this we follow proper etiquette. You sounds very immature and gift grabby in this post. You wedding day is supposed to be about marrying the person you love most, not being able to squeeze a few extra dollars out of your aunt and uncle.
    She didn't say she thought she was rude. She made an observation that others find some of the things that she might be doing as rude. It is her wedding, she can do what she wants. I think being judgmental about other peoples weddings is poor etiquette. 

    My fiance really wants to do a dollar dance and I don't care one way or the other so I'm going to do it for him. I also know that the people coming to our wedding love and care about us. If they don't like dollar dances then they won't take part in it but they also won't be rude to us about it.
    It's not being judgmental. It's being aware of what proper etiquette dictates and passing it along to a poster so that he/she does not run the risk of offending some or all of their guests. Good etiquette is manners and in the wedding world, it's properly hosting your guests. The posters here, on the ETIQUETTE BOARD, are throwing up the red flag, alerting fellow brides that their plans are not proper. Yes, it might sound harsh, but it's honest and blunt. No one is going to beat around the bush to keep the calm as it's the internet. You HAVE to be blunt to get a point across in this vast arena of information. 


    The second you invite other people to be a part of your day, it's no longer all about you. A reception is for your guests, not you, so you need to make sure they are comfortable and well taken care of throughout the event. Based on proper etiquette things like asking for cash are considered rude and have the potential of offending. You may think that since family and friends care about you, they'll look past it. Not true. They won't say it to your face, but they'll certainly voice their displeasure with Aunt Sue or Grandma Betty. Hopefully if that happens, you do not find out about it after the fact. 

    If you have the chance of not offending anyone or risking offending anyone, I'd take the option to not offend. Wouldn't you?

    edit- spelling

     







  • Just going to point out that this discussion has veered drastically from the original question.
  • Just going to point out that this discussion has veered drastically from the original question.
    yet the point remains the same.  It's not about regional accepted behavior, it's about etiquette.
    Want to complain the the people in Asshat, Nowhere about how terrible the rules of etiquette are - go ahead.  Doesn't change the rules of etiquette, just means you don't have manners.
  • lisa737lisa737 member
    Fourth Anniversary First Comment

    Daaaang some people have opinions don't they?

    My thoughts are that it's Your wedding and you should do what you want to do.

    With that being said, if I attended a wedding with a dollar-dance (I never have, it doesn't seem to be something that happens where I live) would I become super offended and storm off? No. Would I choose not take part? Likely.



  • KGold80KGold80 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    lisa737 said:

    Daaaang some people have opinions don't they?

    My thoughts are that it's Your wedding and you should do what you want to do.

    With that being said, if I attended a wedding with a dollar-dance (I never have, it doesn't seem to be something that happens where I live) would I become super offended and storm off? No. Would I choose not take part? Likely.



    The "it's your wedding and you should do what you want to do" thing is rather stupid. Would you tell a kid having a birthday party the same thing? Or would you expect he or she to act the part of a gracious host and not a money grubber? The same principle applies with a wedding only on a (generally) much larger scale and with adults as the people being honored. Thus, the bar for proper behavior should be a bit higher.
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  • magee2011 said:
    Woah. So I haven't been on here in awhile, as I was busy getting married. (I'm the OP).

    Not really sure what happened to this thread....but for the record. I had no Honeymoon jars, no dollar dances, no strange money tree things, no bouquet or garter toss (Mentioning those because I think they are gross).

    Just an awesome night with lots of dancing and free drinking for my guests. It was pretty great....and guess what we received a lot of cards with money....no badgering required ;)
    Congrats on your big day, and glad you could join us on the "That's Rude" bandwagon!

    You can hopefully help bring a word of wisdom to the many airheads who seem to find being rude a fun trait to have.
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  • Beach726Beach726 member
    First Comment
    edited May 2014
    People offer charity donations as memorials at funerals, in honor of the one who passed. Offering a charity to celebrate a wedding is the same thing. I had never participated in one of these but I agree with many of the others, people on here are catty. Guests will do what they want but I don't feel right asking for household items that we don't need. That is a waste of their money and the time they spent shopping and wrapping/bagging it. Everyone has their own thoughts and opinions on this issue. As long as you can live with your choice, then so be it!
  • Beach726 said:
    People offer charity donations as memorials at funerals, in honor of the one who passed. Offering a charity to celebrate a wedding is the same thing. I had never participated in one of these but I agree with many of the others, people on here are catty. Guests will do what they want but I don't feel right asking for household items that we don't need. That is a waste of their money and the time they spent shopping and wrapping/bagging it. Everyone has their own thoughts and opinions on this issue. As long as you can live with your choice, then so be it!
    So, when a guest decides to give you a household item as a gift, are you going to write this in the thank you card?
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Beach726 said:
    People offer charity donations as memorials at funerals, in honor of the one who passed. Offering a charity to celebrate a wedding is the same thing. I had never participated in one of these but I agree with many of the others, people on here are catty. Guests will do what they want but I don't feel right asking for household items that we don't need. That is a waste of their money and the time they spent shopping and wrapping/bagging it. Everyone has their own thoughts and opinions on this issue. As long as you can live with your choice, then so be it!
    It is not.  Weddings are not fundraisers or awareness raisers.   You are not required to register for gifts at all.  You are more than welcome to donate your own funds or unwanted gifts once you receive them.  At that point, they are yours to do with as you see fit.

    But it is not up to you what other people do with their money.  If they want to give you a boxed gift or do not want to donate to charity, that is their prerogative, not yours.  If you get a gift you don't want, you acknowledge it graciously to the giver, and you do not tell them that you did not want it.  If they ask you what you would like, you can tell them that no gifts are necessary.  But you do not tell them to donate to charity as a gift to you.  What charities, if any, they support, is their private business, and none of yours.  They may not support the same causes you do, and it is insulting to expect them to donate to those causes if they don't support them.
  • They totally can! I'm just saying this is how the tradition started... It didn't come from the act of the bride and groom asking for money but from their guests desiring to give them money. Traditionally it didn't come from a heart of taking but of desiring to give. Although now the intent behind it has changed these days which is a bummer... So that's why I can see why people see it as rude and tacky.
  • I don't understand why honeymoon registries are anymore rude than any other registries - which I don't find rude at all.  When I buy a gift, I love knowing that I am spending my money on something that they need or want.  And, it beats getting a bunch of crap. 

    I am like many people who are getting married later in life - there's not much I need for my home.  So, what's the difference in spending money on a toaster or putting money towards my honeymoon.

    And, after all, I am not saying to my guests "you have to buy me gifts" but I am saying "if you do buy me a gift and you'd like to know what I need - here you go"

    Again, I think you should just do what you want and feel is right for you, your husband to be and your guests

  • I don't understand why honeymoon registries are anymore rude than any other registries - which I don't find rude at all.  When I buy a gift, I love knowing that I am spending my money on something that they need or want.  And, it beats getting a bunch of crap. 

    I am like many people who are getting married later in life - there's not much I need for my home.  So, what's the difference in spending money on a toaster or putting money towards my honeymoon.

    And, after all, I am not saying to my guests "you have to buy me gifts" but I am saying "if you do buy me a gift and you'd like to know what I need - here you go"

    Again, I think you should just do what you want and feel is right for you, your husband to be and your guests

    Did you actually read this thread? All of this has been explained. @Jells2dot0‌ did a particularly great job of explaining why the honey fund is different from a traditional registry, and why "we already live together" is not a good argument.

    Rude, rude, rude.

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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • I don't understand why honeymoon registries are anymore rude than any other registries - which I don't find rude at all.  When I buy a gift, I love knowing that I am spending my money on something that they need or want.  And, it beats getting a bunch of crap. 

    I am like many people who are getting married later in life - there's not much I need for my home.  So, what's the difference in spending money on a toaster or putting money towards my honeymoon.

    And, after all, I am not saying to my guests "you have to buy me gifts" but I am saying "if you do buy me a gift and you'd like to know what I need - here you go"

    Again, I think you should just do what you want and feel is right for you, your husband to be and your guests

    Did you actually read this thread? All of this has been explained. @Jells2dot0‌ did a particularly great job of explaining why the honey fund is different from a traditional registry, and why "we already live together" is not a good argument. Rude, rude, rude.
    Read?  You expect people to READ, @JCbride2015?  What are you, some kind of sadist?  People can't just be expected to READ!  It might hurt their little brains!



  • I don't think it's rude at all, to have a honeymoon registry as opposed to a gift registry.. My fiancé and I have been living together for over 6 years, and have acquired everything we need for our home, so we don't really want a bunch of gifts we don't need.. Maybe rather than a honeymoon jar AT THE WEDDING, set up a honeymoon fund with honeyfund.com!! (or a like website.. We really like the layout of this one) You can tell your guests a little about y'all, where you're going for your honeymoon and stuff like that!! We've had a lot of great responses with ours!
  • KGold80 said:



    finnea said:

    A registry is a registry, is a registry. No matter how you spin it, putting a teapot on a registry is asking for a teapot. Putting a honeymoon on a registry is asking for money towards a honeymoon.

    There is *no* difference.  Zero. Zilch. NONE.

    Now, in my opinion, in order to remove the problem of simply asking for money, you can provide the information for the guests so they can actually purchase the part of the honeymoon you are asking for. 

    So, on the "registry", list the time and day that you want to do this particular event during your honeymoon.  Then the guest will go online, or call the place where the event is listed, and actually purchase the listed item.  Then the guest gets to control where the money goes (with no registry fees!) and the couple gets something they truly want.

    Remember, that the couple could (and should if this is their route) take pictures of those gifts to send to the people who purchased them.  So if my grandmother buys tickets for a museum, then we take a picture of us inside at one of the exhibits that we liked the most.  Then Grandma gets the picture with the Thank-You note!


    Yeah, because that is oh so much easier for the guest than putting a check in a card. If you don't want boxed gifts, don't register. If you want to do extra fun stuff on your honeymoon, use the cash/checks you receive at your wedding toward your honeymoon. You can even say in the thank you note..."Thanks so much for the generous gift! We were able to use it to do x on our honeymoon!" By NOT registering for your honeymoon, you run ZERO risk of appearing rude to any of your guests. It's always better to err on the side of caution when it comes to etiquette.


    My husband and I did this after we got back from our Honeymoon in London. We set up one small gift registry and told anyone who specifically asked that we were saving for a house down payment and trip. That was it. Our guests were amazingly generous, and everyone who gave us cash got a note in their thank you card saying what we used it for.
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  • LDay2014 said:



    I have seen "cake smash jar" ideas.  They seem a little less rude to me and not like you are asking for money from people.  In essence you would put a jar labeled "bride" and one labeled "groom" next to the cake with a sign that says at the time of the cake cutting,  the person with the most cash in the jar will get the cake in their face.  I know I will end up with the cake in my face as my family all thinks this idea is hilarious.  :)  No one is obligated to participate, and the few extra bucks from the jars can be used for anything. 
    I personally disagree with cash registry funds, but this seems non-offensive to me. 

    you're still asking people to open up their wallets at your wedding.  Doesn't matter what it's for.  Etiquette Gods say No</blockquote

    I think cake smashing in general is tacky. I would have been pissed if even my husband smashed cake in my face when I spent so much money on make up and hair. Just no. It always seems sort of disrespectful to me for some reason.
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  • OokoeqOokoeq member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited May 2014
    Like I said, rude in YOUR eyes. You missed the part where I said it is common to happen. And I'm not the one planning on starting it. It would be rude and disrespectful of me to stop a relative from doing what they do at majority of weddings, especially in Africa. I don't think I am immature or gift grabby. This day IS about me and my future husband and I can not wait to share it with him. And I do agree that its a special day to share with my guest. I want them to enjoy themselves to the fullest.

    I feel like you took everything "negative" and ignored all the other things that was actually said. But hey, once again, to each their own.

    @asmillersmith
    you took the words right out my mouth! Thank you!

    Also, as for OUR honeymoon, we are actually saving towards it. We went into that registry assuming no one would contribute and do their own thing in the end. Whether it be monetary or more importantly the gift of their attendance.

    And finally to the snowflake comments, aren't we all different? (I know you are trying to make fun of the fact that some people are saying they are special or that its THEIR day) But no two weddings will be the same. So even for some of the things that are said to be tradition, doesn't have to happen! So in turn, yes, everyone is a snowflake. Including you! Your wedding will be like no other. It will be unique (Yes, I am spinning what snowflake means to be positive!)

    Have a great day!
  • OokoeqOokoeq member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited May 2014
  • Guys, I hate to tell you, but the money dance is a very old tradition and is right there with breaking the glass and jumping the broom. If the bride and groom come from a culture where it is normally done and the relatives are the ones to initiate it, it is 100% appropriate. Cultures that have a tradition of a money dance or dollar dance include Poland, Ukraine, Yugoslavia, Hungary, Nigeria, the Philipines, and of course the US, since the US is comprised of immigrant populations. It is not like being a stripper. You dance WITH your guests individually. Money is not stuffed in your cleavage, but is either placed in a box, held by a bridesmaid, or pinned to the veil or train. The groom is also "paid" for dances, but everyone over the years decided that it's silly to pay a man for a dance, and so the groom is paid with play money or chewing gum, or pocket lint. Not only this, but we are talking 1-5 dollar bills people. You are not going to make a meaningful amount of money with a money dance; it is symbolic of the "village" taking care of the young couple, and nothing more. I didn't know about it until my wedding and my uncles and aunts were waving money around and wanting to do it. It was all in good fun, and it was cute that they all wanted to symbolically support us that way. We "made" about 45-50 bucks... enough to go to breakfast and lunch the next day!

    The only instance in which a money dance is inappropriate is if the bride and groom initiate it and it is not a tradition in their family. In that case, it is not a tradition they are adhering to and they are being greedy and trying to get money from their guests.
    My colors are "blood of my enemies" and "rage".

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  • Guys, I hate to tell you, but the money dance is a very old tradition and is right there with breaking the glass and jumping the broom. If the bride and groom come from a culture where it is normally done and the relatives are the ones to initiate it, it is 100% appropriate. Cultures that have a tradition of a money dance or dollar dance include Poland, Ukraine, Yugoslavia, Hungary, Nigeria, the Philipines, and of course the US, since the US is comprised of immigrant populations. It is not like being a stripper. You dance WITH your guests individually. Money is not stuffed in your cleavage, but is either placed in a box, held by a bridesmaid, or pinned to the veil or train. The groom is also "paid" for dances, but everyone over the years decided that it's silly to pay a man for a dance, and so the groom is paid with play money or chewing gum, or pocket lint. Not only this, but we are talking 1-5 dollar bills people. You are not going to make a meaningful amount of money with a money dance; it is symbolic of the "village" taking care of the young couple, and nothing more. I didn't know about it until my wedding and my uncles and aunts were waving money around and wanting to do it. It was all in good fun, and it was cute that they all wanted to symbolically support us that way. We "made" about 45-50 bucks... enough to go to breakfast and lunch the next day!

    The only instance in which a money dance is inappropriate is if the bride and groom initiate it and it is not a tradition in their family. In that case, it is not a tradition they are adhering to and they are being greedy and trying to get money from their guests.

    I was going to say something similar because a good point got lost in this post. There are certain things that are cultural traditions that are acceptable. However, you need to know you guests. If the majority of your guests are not family and not familiar with your traditions, you run the risk of offending them.

    That being said, the bolded is also true. Same with registries asking for cash. If you are planning honeymoon jars or money dances because you need money for a massage on the beach, then that is rude. There is no cultural tradition where asking for money for a zipline tour (and receiving the cash rather than the tour) is the norm. There were many posts in this thread that were focused on wanting money because "we have everything we need" rather than following tradition.

     







  • kitsunegari89kitsunegari89 member
    500 Love Its Third Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited May 2014
    Guys, I hate to tell you, but the money dance is a very old tradition and is right there with breaking the glass and jumping the broom. If the bride and groom come from a culture where it is normally done and the relatives are the ones to initiate it, it is 100% appropriate. Cultures that have a tradition of a money dance or dollar dance include Poland, Ukraine, Yugoslavia, Hungary, Nigeria, the Philipines, and of course the US, since the US is comprised of immigrant populations. It is not like being a stripper. You dance WITH your guests individually. Money is not stuffed in your cleavage, but is either placed in a box, held by a bridesmaid, or pinned to the veil or train. The groom is also "paid" for dances, but everyone over the years decided that it's silly to pay a man for a dance, and so the groom is paid with play money or chewing gum, or pocket lint. Not only this, but we are talking 1-5 dollar bills people. You are not going to make a meaningful amount of money with a money dance; it is symbolic of the "village" taking care of the young couple, and nothing more. I didn't know about it until my wedding and my uncles and aunts were waving money around and wanting to do it. It was all in good fun, and it was cute that they all wanted to symbolically support us that way. We "made" about 45-50 bucks... enough to go to breakfast and lunch the next day!

    The only instance in which a money dance is inappropriate is if the bride and groom initiate it and it is not a tradition in their family. In that case, it is not a tradition they are adhering to and they are being greedy and trying to get money from their guests.

    I was going to say something similar because a good point got lost in this post. There are certain things that are cultural traditions that are acceptable. However, you need to know you guests. If the majority of your guests are not family and not familiar with your traditions, you run the risk of offending them.

    That being said, the bolded is also true. Same with registries asking for cash. If you are planning honeymoon jars or money dances because you need money for a massage on the beach, then that is rude. There is no cultural tradition where asking for money for a zipline tour (and receiving the cash rather than the tour) is the norm. There were many posts in this thread that were focused on wanting money because "we have everything we need" rather than following tradition.

    There's the etiquette breach, but I also don't like honeymoon registries and asking for money for whatever for a very practical reason: you have no idea if you will get enough money to do what you want to do! You are leaving your honeymoon to chance and hoping that your relatives and friends pay for it. If you don't get enough, you're going on a camping trip in your backyard, baby!

    True story. My friends from college didn't do a registry and asked for cash for a Europe trip instead. They got neither gifts they wanted nor money, and they quite literally had to go camping... all because of a lack of fiscal planning!
    My colors are "blood of my enemies" and "rage".

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  • Do a honeymoon registry and post it on your wedding website. honeymoonpixie.com is a good one to use but yeah a jar at the reception ain't cute.
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