What are your etiquette deal breakers?

grumbledore

kellisobczak said:

This isn't hard - host to the best of your abilities and don't overspend yourself if it impacts the treatment of your guests.  If you were only having this party for you, you wouldn't need to invite a hundred+ people, you could just treat yourself.  

Gaps can't be avoided.  After tons of research, I had to have a gap, or spend $5000 to rent the place no one could afford... just for the ceremony, a 2 hour maximum.  That is my food budget, so I elected for the gap and inviting family only to the ceremony in lieu of having all guests paying for parking and driving around the city all day.  Sorry to those of you who think it's a deal-breaker.  I don't want those types at my wedding, so I hope they decline.  The ceremony will be 10 minutes long as we are not religious, so you won't be missing anything other than the $25 it costs to park in the city for a few minutes, only to move to another venue where the parking will be complimentary!  Oh, and the partially hosted bar tab is going on credit.  No couple, who pays for a wedding alone, can scrape together more than 10 grand in a year to pay cash for a wedding, unless they are personally wealthy, so stop telling people to wait longer and save more.  This is life!!  I'd be waiting years if I were to pay all cash for my wedding.  That is my decision to make, so I can have travel arrangements made for our guests between the reception and the hotel and so I can host drinks at the bar. 

Also, no one is accounting for the fact that the US is a melting pot of traditions.  These long lists of deal breakers are included in either family traditions or cultural traditions in many cases.  Your versions of what a wedding should be fall into what I look at as "white traditions."  If I had to go to a wedding where I was asked to sing, were ceremonial clothing, or eat something I might never otherwise touch... I have the option to decline, but if I go, I should also be a gracious guest! 

I really fall in the middle of your arguments.  Some things just can't be avoided, but being a good host isn't one of them.  Just keep your awful comments to yourselves.  No matter what you say, these people will do what they want!  

For the love of fuck, gaps are possibly the MOST avoidable wedding etiquette faux pas.  You are choosing it, likely because you made other choices you are unwilling to compromise on.  

I bet those "types" will decline, so yay for you.

Tradition, for the 900th time, has jack diddly to do with etiquette and proper hosting.

You're right, it's completely possible for couples at every budget to be good hosts.  Too bad you aren't taking your own advice.

And yes, a lot of people will move forward with their rude plans regardless, but we've also had numerous brides/couples come here and thank us for pointing them in the right direction when they weren't sure about their plans, so to say everyone is going to do whatever they want regardless of what we say is false.  We're here for those people - the ones that are willing to reconsider and be good hosts, not for rudey-poos who don't care.

grumbledore

Also, for all the newbies in this thread - many of us are far from wealthy and are properly hosting our guests.  It's called being smart, saving diligently, and being willing to compromise, mainly on things that do not impact our guests.

APDSS22

kellisobczak said:

This isn't hard - host to the best of your abilities and don't overspend yourself if it impacts the treatment of your guests.  If you were only having this party for you, you wouldn't need to invite a hundred+ people, you could just treat yourself.  

Gaps can't be avoided.  After tons of research, I had to have a gap, or spend $5000 to rent the place no one could afford... just for the ceremony, a 2 hour maximum.  That is my food budget, so I elected for the gap and inviting family only to the ceremony in lieu of having all guests paying for parking and driving around the city all day.  Sorry to those of you who think it's a deal-breaker.  I don't want those types at my wedding, so I hope they decline.  The ceremony will be 10 minutes long as we are not religious, so you won't be missing anything other than the $25 it costs to park in the city for a few minutes, only to move to another venue where the parking will be complimentary!  Oh, and the partially hosted bar tab is going on credit.  No couple, who pays for a wedding alone, can scrape together more than 10 grand in a year to pay cash for a wedding, unless they are personally wealthy, so stop telling people to wait longer and save more.  This is life!!  I'd be waiting years if I were to pay all cash for my wedding.  That is my decision to make, so I can have travel arrangements made for our guests between the reception and the hotel and so I can host drinks at the bar. 

Also, no one is accounting for the fact that the US is a melting pot of traditions.  These long lists of deal breakers are included in either family traditions or cultural traditions in many cases.  Your versions of what a wedding should be fall into what I look at as "white traditions."  If I had to go to a wedding where I was asked to sing, were ceremonial clothing, or eat something I might never otherwise touch... I have the option to decline, but if I go, I should also be a gracious guest! 

I really fall in the middle of your arguments.  Some things just can't be avoided, but being a good host isn't one of them.  Just keep your awful comments to yourselves.  No matter what you say, these people will do what they want!  

Those were your ONLY options, really?  We had a church wedding.  We did not have a gap.  We found a lovely reception venue that could hold our entire guest list (plus more people, actually--very spacious) within our budget.  If you can only have your wedding before 2pm on Sat. at your church because of evening services (the most common gap reason) then you need to find a reception space that will be ready for a 3:00 or 3:15 (with travel time) reception.  No gap.

Sounds like you're having a private ceremony with immediate family and then a larger reception.  Other than the gap (because what are your family members going to be doing in their nice clothes during this time?) that is fine.  You DO NOT need to have an open bar or have $10,000 in cash to pay for a respectable wedding.  My cousin got married to his wife in their local church, she made her dress, he wore his best suit and she carried silk flowers from the local craft store.  They had a lovely reception in the parish hall with handmade decorations and served cake, appetizers and punch (not at a meal time) and everyone had a place to sit.  It was lovely.  Maybe cost them $100 total including the marriage license.  Not at all rude and they are just as married.

I'm not saying you have to have a 2.5 year long engagement like I did to pay for your wedding.  If you pick out things you want for your wedding, you just have to figure out how to afford it without making your guests pay for it.  People don't come over to your house and buy you furniture because they wouldn't otherwise have a place to sit, so why are you hosting a wedding reception and asking them to pay for things?

Rudeness doesn't stop at a border.  If your wedding is including a cultural tradition, why does that have to be rude?  You can dance with your guests without begging them for money.  If they want to pin money to your dress and you're okay with it, have fun but don't solicit your guests for money.  Including a tea ceremony or wearing henna when you walk down the aisle are both cultural traditions that happen all the time and are not rude.  I wouldn't get up and leave if there was a money dance, but I'd be asking myself why they need to hit up their guests for money and I wouldn't participate.  Plenty of posters from the supposed "cultures" that do a money dance have said they've never been subjected to one and if the entire culture isn't doing it, it's not a cultural thing.  It's a rude people thing. 

Lastly, this is the Etiquette board.  We regular posters of the board like to uphold proper etiquette so if someone is suggesting something rude, like a gap, then we are going to suggest alternatives and educate you as to why what you're doing is rude.  Your friends and family DO care, they're just too nice to say it to your face.  We can't stop you from going ahead with your plans to be rude, but on this board it would be unconscionable to not try to correct this erroneous assumption that your friends and family will totally understand why they're sitting at a McDonald's in their nice clothes between your ceremony and reception because you couldn't be bothered to host them properly and you just had to have an evening reception because it's what you've dreamed of since you were 5 playing with your Barbies.  You made a choice to put them in that situation, so you will have to deal with the consequences. 

Don't think your friends and family feel the same way?  Think I'm wrong and that everyone will love you and never, ever say anything about how rude you were?  Why do we have a Worst Weddings thread?  People come here all the time to talk about how they feel with family members disrespecting their relationships by not inviting their significant others, disrespecting them by not providing a chair or food during a meal time or making them wait around for a gap so they can have ALL the pictures they want and tiering their guests with a literal tiered reception or just with a cash bar so the wedding couple could have the "perfect special day" but not pay for it.

Addendum for the newbies: If your username is your full name, you might want to change it because the Internet is full of weirdos who will look up all your personal info and some might stalk you.

tammyhops

I don't understand what you brides are getting your panties in such a knot over!? You'd leave if there was a dollar dance? Really? You just can't "opt out"? There's a dollar dance at practically every single wedding and it has been going on for ages! I hardly thinks that's an etiquette issue with the bride and groom - it's an etiquette issue with YOU! They invited you to their wedding. They planned and organized and mapped things out strategically for months. And like the rest of us, they spent a great deal of money that more than likely wasn't just sitting there waiting to be spent on ungrateful guests. Honestly, I initially chose not to have one, because I too, didn't want my guests to feel like they needed to "dig deep" into their pockets for that ENTIRE dollar, in order to dance with us! When discussing this with my DJ, he made a very good point - when that dance is going on, the bride and groom have a chance to talk and converse and personally thank every single guest individually for being there. Not a very good chance you will have that opportunity during a quick hug or handshake in the receiving line, or a table to table visit while your guests are trying to eat their food! I suppose we could try and have something like the dollar dance - minus that dollar - to get to the same end result.  But what would we call it? And who would even know what it is? People will wonder why they only got to dance for 60 seconds before being told to switch! Everyone knows what the dollar dance is for a reason. It's just part of the wedding. I've never once heard someone say "God, we went to this wedding, it was just awful - they had that dollar dance - couldn't wait to get out of there..."

Also, what's with all the complaints about the honeymoon registry? We're not having one in our wedding nor have I ever been invited to a wedding that requested people contribute to it, but who cares??? Nobody complains about a normal gift registry. And, essentially, you're being told what to buy the bride and groom there; so what's the deal? Maybe they already have a houseful of stuff and don't need anymore. Maybe they might only have this one opportunity to have a nice honeymoon and would rather have that gifted to them then a new waffle maker or towels! I mean, you've been invited to this wedding, you're going to bring a gift or cash, wouldn't you want to give them what they want? I look at it much like getting my little brother or niece or even parents a gift for Christmas or birthdays.... it usually starts like this.... "what would THEY like to get as their gift, for THEIR special day? - what would make THEM happy?".... hmmmm

Not to keep going - but everyone should get over that whole "B list" thing too! We all know you can't invite EVERYONE. Sometimes things change; people cancel, you end up with more money in your budget, you cut some corners and then get the chance to invite all those you wish you initially could have - we could go on and on. Someone is paying a great deal of money for each and every one of you to get the opportunity to be there. Go with a smile on your face and appreciate that everyone is different - you'll have your big day and if you choose, do it differently if you feel the need.  But for God's sake - DO NOT EVER, EVER, EVER LEAVE WITH YOUR GIFT!!! This could possibly be the biggest etiquette faux pas I've ever heard of!!

HisGirlFriday13

tammyhops said:

I don't understand what you brides are getting your panties in such a knot over!? You'd leave if there was a dollar dance? Really? You just can't "opt out"? There's a dollar dance at practically every single wedding and it has been going on for ages! I hardly thinks that's an etiquette issue with the bride and groom - it's an etiquette issue with YOU! They invited you to their wedding. They planned and organized and mapped things out strategically for months. And like the rest of us, they spent a great deal of money that more than likely wasn't just sitting there waiting to be spent on ungrateful guests. Honestly, I initially chose not to have one, because I too, didn't want my guests to feel like they needed to "dig deep" into their pockets for that ENTIRE dollar, in order to dance with us! When discussing this with my DJ, he made a very good point - when that dance is going on, the bride and groom have a chance to talk and converse and personally thank every single guest individually for being there. Not a very good chance you will have that opportunity during a quick hug or handshake in the receiving line, or a table to table visit while your guests are trying to eat their food! I suppose we could try and have something like the dollar dance - minus that dollar - to get to the same end result.  But what would we call it? And who would even know what it is? People will wonder why they only got to dance for 60 seconds before being told to switch! Everyone knows what the dollar dance is for a reason. It's just part of the wedding. I've never once heard someone say "God, we went to this wedding, it was just awful - they had that dollar dance - couldn't wait to get out of there..."

Also, what's with all the complaints about the honeymoon registry? We're not having one in our wedding nor have I ever been invited to a wedding that requested people contribute to it, but who cares??? Nobody complains about a normal gift registry. And, essentially, you're being told what to buy the bride and groom there; so what's the deal? Maybe they already have a houseful of stuff and don't need anymore. Maybe they might only have this one opportunity to have a nice honeymoon and would rather have that gifted to them then a new waffle maker or towels! I mean, you've been invited to this wedding, you're going to bring a gift or cash, wouldn't you want to give them what they want? I look at it much like getting my little brother or niece or even parents a gift for Christmas or birthdays.... it usually starts like this.... "what would THEY like to get as their gift, for THEIR special day? - what would make THEM happy?".... hmmmm

Not to keep going - but everyone should get over that whole "B list" thing too! We all know you can't invite EVERYONE. Sometimes things change; people cancel, you end up with more money in your budget, you cut some corners and then get the chance to invite all those you wish you initially could have - we could go on and on. Someone is paying a great deal of money for each and every one of you to get the opportunity to be there. Go with a smile on your face and appreciate that everyone is different - you'll have your big day and if you choose, do it differently if you feel the need.  But for God's sake - DO NOT EVER, EVER, EVER LEAVE WITH YOUR GIFT!!! This could possibly be the biggest etiquette faux pas I've ever heard of!!

Hardly. Given that gifts aren't required but proper hosting is, pretty much everything you mentioned in your post is a bigger faux pas than leaving with the gift (or not giving one.)

Adprice85

How can you possibly talk "etiquette" in the same post as you are cussing this person out. Have some respect and class you are being very rude. Express your opinions without being so insulting you are completely ruining everything that this conversation is supposed to accomplish which is men and women discussing how to properly have a wedding and reception. Seriously control your language and be a lady. 

heyyou1203

@HisGirlFriday13

Why not? We're all on this board because we're all getting our "pretty princess days" and they just happen to also be the time when we're getting legally married, too. Why should other women be denied that privilege just because their personal or legal situation was such that the legal marriage needed to come early? People live together for years before they get married, so what's the difference there? You really think a woman starts to act more "wifely" after she signs the marriage certificate? Is a legal document really the only thing that holds a couple together?

denisemod

Dude...if you don't know how to talk to people, on or off a message board, don't call yourself an etiquette expert!!

HisGirlFriday13

heyyou1203 said:

@HisGirlFriday13

Why not? We're all on this board because we're all getting our "pretty princess days" and they just happen to also be the time when we're getting legally married, too. Why should other women be denied that privilege just because their personal or legal situation was such that the legal marriage needed to come early? People live together for years before they get married, so what's the difference there? You really think a woman starts to act more "wifely" after she signs the marriage certificate? Is a legal document really the only thing that holds a couple together?

For.The.Last.Time. There is NO difference between 'legal marriage' and 'marriage.' For you to say 'legal marriage' like it's just signing a piece of paper so wholly overlooks the rights and benefits conferred upon people by marriage that I am aghast at your ignorance.

If you do not understand the difference between legal matrimony and co-habitation, or why denigrating a legal wedding as 'just a piece of paper,' or the incredible benefits that come with marriage (that are denied to same-sex couples in most of the US), you're not capable of understanding the nuances of this argument.

CrazyCatLady3

weashleyi said:

RebeccaB88 said:

Wow. I'm feeling like I'm the one some of this is directed at, because I did say that pretty much anything bugs me to one extent or another. It does. Am I going to make a huge scene and storm out over any of it? Hell no! That's rude!  You (bride/groom/host you) would never know I was offended by what I say or do to you. I will handle it privately, and by not participating in it if I can help it. And really, I'm not hard to please.

I'll be pleased if you provide:
A chair.
A beverage I don't have to pay for. (Doesn't have to be alcoholic.)
Food appropriate to the time of day. (A piece of cake at 3pm is perfect, a piece of cake at 6pm is not.)
Reasonable accomodation for the weather. (Like if it rains for an outdoor ceremony.)
Verbal thanks for attending/verbal greeting.

My only dealbreakers (meaning I will decline off the top, politely, no explanation other than I'm unable to attend):
Not inviting my SO.
B listing me.
Tiering me.

You want a CHAIR?? To sit on?? Some people are so needy.

I kid.  I do have a question though.  After looking through this thread I've already made at least two errors so far:

1. Partially hosted bar - 2 drinks of whatever they want; free water and soda though.
2. SOs.  My wedding party and anyone in a serious relationship get SOs (marital status is irrelevant).  No one got "plus a guest" on their invite.  I would have given anyone in my wedding party a casual plus one invite (bring your girlfriend of 4 days for all I care), but it was not applicable.

Another mistake I could actually fix is seating.  So I'm having a DW and the ceremony is outdoors followed by a reception indoors at the same venue.  There's a 1.5 hr cocktail...hour...between the ceremony and reception which takes place in the lobby area. There are cocktail tables, chairs, some sofa/lounge chairs, and a furnished patio.  However, I'm not 100% sure if there are enough seats for everyone to be sitting simultaneously in the cocktail area.  I sort of assumed people would mingle and meander around.  Should I ensure that there's a 1:1 guest-to-seat ratio during the cocktail hour? I may opt to let them into the dinner area early if this is the case.  (The ceremony and reception/dinner area obviously have enough seating).

At least I don't believe I've created a "gap" anywhere.  The cocktail hour is a bit long, but a plated dinner follows that, so hopefully people will stick around for the free food.

Thanks for the posts.  There's a lot of stuff on here that would never occur to me.  I guess my family is pretty laid back about this sort of thing. 

I don't think I've ever been to a wedding with a hosted bar (I thought our two voucher system was super-fancy; guess not), and I thought some of the cutesy games are fun.  I like the advice mad-libs guests can fill out while they wait for photographs to be done.  I also enjoyed the shoe game (we are doing this; it takes like five minutes, and the guests at least seemed to enjoy it--It was my favorite part of the last wedding I went to).  Are these some of the "cutesy" games people are referring to?

@weashleyi - cocktail hour is the exception to the rule that you need to have a seat for every butt.  People mingle and it should only last an hour (i would try to cut yours back to 1 hour; people get antsy after that).  It is nice to make sure you have seating for any elderly or disabled guests though, which it sounds like you have, so you're fine.

chibiyui

tammyhops said:

I don't understand what you brides are getting your panties in such a knot over!? You'd leave if there was a dollar dance? Really? You just can't "opt out"? There's a dollar dance at practically every single wedding and it has been going on for ages! I hardly thinks that's an etiquette issue with the bride and groom - it's an etiquette issue with YOU! They invited you to their wedding. They planned and organized and mapped things out strategically for months. And like the rest of us, they spent a great deal of money that more than likely wasn't just sitting there waiting to be spent on ungrateful guests. Honestly, I initially chose not to have one, because I too, didn't want my guests to feel like they needed to "dig deep" into their pockets for that ENTIRE dollar, in order to dance with us! When discussing this with my DJ, he made a very good point - when that dance is going on, the bride and groom have a chance to talk and converse and personally thank every single guest individually for being there. Not a very good chance you will have that opportunity during a quick hug or handshake in the receiving line, or a table to table visit while your guests are trying to eat their food! I suppose we could try and have something like the dollar dance - minus that dollar - to get to the same end result.  But what would we call it? And who would even know what it is? People will wonder why they only got to dance for 60 seconds before being told to switch! Everyone knows what the dollar dance is for a reason. It's just part of the wedding. I've never once heard someone say "God, we went to this wedding, it was just awful - they had that dollar dance - couldn't wait to get out of there..."

Also, what's with all the complaints about the honeymoon registry? We're not having one in our wedding nor have I ever been invited to a wedding that requested people contribute to it, but who cares??? Nobody complains about a normal gift registry. And, essentially, you're being told what to buy the bride and groom there; so what's the deal? Maybe they already have a houseful of stuff and don't need anymore. Maybe they might only have this one opportunity to have a nice honeymoon and would rather have that gifted to them then a new waffle maker or towels! I mean, you've been invited to this wedding, you're going to bring a gift or cash, wouldn't you want to give them what they want? I look at it much like getting my little brother or niece or even parents a gift for Christmas or birthdays.... it usually starts like this.... "what would THEY like to get as their gift, for THEIR special day? - what would make THEM happy?".... hmmmm

Not to keep going - but everyone should get over that whole "B list" thing too! We all know you can't invite EVERYONE. Sometimes things change; people cancel, you end up with more money in your budget, you cut some corners and then get the chance to invite all those you wish you initially could have - we could go on and on. Someone is paying a great deal of money for each and every one of you to get the opportunity to be there. Go with a smile on your face and appreciate that everyone is different - you'll have your big day and if you choose, do it differently if you feel the need.  But for God's sake - DO NOT EVER, EVER, EVER LEAVE WITH YOUR GIFT!!! This could possibly be the biggest etiquette faux pas I've ever heard of!!

My family doesn't do dollar dances. If we were to have one, they'd wonder why I was dancing for singles. Please understand that without a significant cultural tradition, it comes across as a money grab, and is very unbecoming. 

Honeymoon registries are bad because they are asking for cash, and they take a percentage of your gift. I refuse to contribute to them because it is a waste of money. 

And b-listing? Of course we can't invite everyone. Thats life. You don't always get what you want in life. I'd rather just not tell people "Oh, you didn't make the first round, but you're totally in the second round of important people!"

APDSS22

heyyou1203 said:

@HisGirlFriday13

Why not? We're all on this board because we're all getting our "pretty princess days" and they just happen to also be the time when we're getting legally married, too. Why should other women be denied that privilege just because their personal or legal situation was such that the legal marriage needed to come early? People live together for years before they get married, so what's the difference there? You really think a woman starts to act more "wifely" after she signs the marriage certificate? Is a legal document really the only thing that holds a couple together?

No, she just becomes legally a wife after she signs the marriage certificate. 

Not everyone on this board had or is having a huge, blowout party for their wedding with everyone they know.  Some of us just had a tasteful, meaningful ceremony and reception with our loved ones and still others eloped!  Still legally married.  No one "deserves" a huge blowout party.  Everyone deserves a wedding.  However that happens is fine.  If they go down to city hall in their best clothes then go out to dinner, they are married.  You can get married for whatever reason is right for you, but you must be an adult about the fact that your marriage has now occurred and the only way to have another wedding is to get divorced.  Have a huge party to celebrate your marriage whenever you can afford it if you want, but don't pretend it's a wedding.

LDay2014

@chibiyui

I'm teaching this early...my daughter turned 7 last week and you know what? I told her she could have 10 friends for her birthday.  She had to choose from her various circles of friends, and learn that unfortunately she can't have everything she wants just because it's her special day. And you know what she said?  'Okay Mommy, can I write my friends down and you can help me pick?'...absolutely .

And, FYI to all the new brides - the only time anyone should be dancing for money is on a pole.  It has no place in a wedding.

Maggie0829

Entitled and self-absorb people are just so....special.

Now for some dog gifs!!

grumbledore

denisemod said:

Dude...if you don't know how to talk to people, on or off a message board, don't call yourself an etiquette expert!!

Dude, don't tell us how to post.

Thanks dude.

kmmssg

kellisobczak said:

This isn't hard - host to the best of your abilities and don't overspend yourself if it impacts the treatment of your guests.  If you were only having this party for you, you wouldn't need to invite a hundred+ people, you could just treat yourself.  

Gaps can't be avoided.  After tons of research, I had to have a gap, or spend $5000 to rent the place no one could afford... just for the ceremony, a 2 hour maximum.  That is my food budget, so I elected for the gap and inviting family only to the ceremony in lieu of having all guests paying for parking and driving around the city all day.  Sorry to those of you who think it's a deal-breaker.  I don't want those types at my wedding, so I hope they decline.  The ceremony will be 10 minutes long as we are not religious, so you won't be missing anything other than the $25 it costs to park in the city for a few minutes, only to move to another venue where the parking will be complimentary!  Oh, and the partially hosted bar tab is going on credit.  No couple, who pays for a wedding alone, can scrape together more than 10 grand in a year to pay cash for a wedding, unless they are personally wealthy, so stop telling people to wait longer and save more.  This is life!!  I'd be waiting years if I were to pay all cash for my wedding.  That is my decision to make, so I can have travel arrangements made for our guests between the reception and the hotel and so I can host drinks at the bar. 

Also, no one is accounting for the fact that the US is a melting pot of traditions.  These long lists of deal breakers are included in either family traditions or cultural traditions in many cases.  Your versions of what a wedding should be fall into what I look at as "white traditions."  If I had to go to a wedding where I was asked to sing, were ceremonial clothing, or eat something I might never otherwise touch... I have the option to decline, but if I go, I should also be a gracious guest! 

I really fall in the middle of your arguments.  Some things just can't be avoided, but being a good host isn't one of them.  Just keep your awful comments to yourselves.  No matter what you say, these people will do what they want!  

What you are doing in the bold is why couples do things like cash bars or host poorly.  They don't have the money for their dream party so they make cuts in hosting so they can pull it off.

If you can't afford to pay cash for a one day party you are planning way too much party.  Neither of my weddings came close to being my dream wedding, but it is about the marriage - the big picture, not just the one day.

I really encourage you to pull back your plans so you aren't putting anything on credit.  Things like medical emergencies and blown transmissions are for credit - not one day parties.

PrettyGirlLost

kellisobczak said:

This isn't hard - host to the best of your abilities and don't overspend yourself if it impacts the treatment of your guests.  If you were only having this party for you, you wouldn't need to invite a hundred+ people, you could just treat yourself.  

Gaps can't be avoided.  Yes they can, they absolutely can.  Gaps are always a choice.  After tons of research, I had to have a gap, or spend $5000 to rent the place no one could afford... just for the ceremony, a 2 hour maximum.  That is my food budget, so I elected for the gap and inviting family only to the ceremony in lieu of having all guests paying for parking and driving around the city all day.  Sorry to those of you who think it's a deal-breaker.  I don't want those types at my wedding, so I hope they decline.  The ceremony will be 10 minutes long as we are not religious, so you won't be missing anything other than the $25 it costs to park in the city for a few minutes, only to move to another venue where the parking will be complimentary!  You could have and should have chosen a different location for your ceremony in order to remove the gap.  Especially since you aren't having a religious ceremony- You can get married wherever you want.  Why not get married at the reception venue?  You chose this particular venue for your ceremony and then a different venue for the reception.  Or move the reception start time up to eliminate the gap.  Oh, and the partially hosted bar tab is going on credit.  No couple, who pays for a wedding alone, can scrape together more than 10 grand in a year to pay cash for a wedding, unless they are personally wealthy, so stop telling people to wait longer and save more.  This is total bullshit.  My FI and I have been saving for our wedding for over 2 years so that we can have the wedding that we want to.  We are by no means rich.  You don't need to get married 365 days after your engagement.  Again, that is a choice.  If you don't want to sacrifice your wedding vision and you can't afford to save for the wedding that you want within a year, then yes, you have a longer engagement and you save more money.   This is life!!  I'd be waiting years if I were to pay all cash for my wedding.  Yeah part of life is recognizing how to put off instant gratification and save and work towards what you want.  That is my decision to make, so I can have travel arrangements made for our guests between the reception and the hotel and so I can host drinks at the bar. 

Also, no one is accounting for the fact that the US is a melting pot of traditions.  These long lists of deal breakers are included in either family traditions or cultural traditions in many cases.  Your versions of what a wedding should be fall into what I look at as "white traditions."  If I had to go to a wedding where I was asked to sing, were ceremonial clothing, or eat something I might never otherwise touch... I have the option to decline, but if I go, I should also be a gracious guest! We have been over this, just because something is a cultural or ethnic traditions doesn't mean it cannot be rude.  Most European cultures that I know of have a dollar dance tradition, but who cares because it is still considered rude.  Most ppl said that they just wouldn't participate in that crap.

I really fall in the middle of your arguments.  Some things just can't be avoided, but being a good host isn't one of them.  Just keep your awful comments to yourselves.  No matter what you say, these people will do what they want!  

PrettyGirlLost

shrekspeare said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Gracecuriel said:

@viczaesar Seriously get a life!!!!!! All you've done here is make fun of people. Who made you wedding guru? Wow, I have never seen someone be so disgusting and rude, and quite frankly tasteless. Whoever you are, you are what the internet needs to watch out for -a cyber bully! I'm disgusted by your posts, just nasty!

Bingo!!  I got Bingo. . . what do I win?

Your choice!

I'm taking both!!!

denisemod

To grumble....so it's okay for you to point out how rude everyone is with their lack of etiquette with swearing & yelling? What would the etiquette experts say about that?

And no, I'm not asking for rainbows or whatever else an earlier poster said. I'm looking for the same thing you claim to be an expert on....proper etiquette.

LDay2014

denisemod said:

To grumble....so it's okay for you to point out how rude everyone is with their lack of etiquette with swearing & yelling? What would the etiquette experts say about that? And no, I'm not asking for rainbows or whatever else an earlier poster said. I'm looking for the same thing you claim to be an expert on....proper etiquette.

when you become a guest at her wedding, you can ask her.  But we are discussing hosting etiquette here

shttylee

I see that many people HATE the dollar dance .I am planning to have one at my wedding this coming November BUT ...All proceeds to go to our local ASPCA..WHICH the DJ will announce at the start of the dance...We chose to do this as a way to incorporate our dog seeing he can't go cause he doesn't behave, lol but is such a big part of our life ....STILL TACKY??? OPINIONS PLEASE

Jen4948

shttylee said:

I see that many people HATE the dollar dance .I am planning to have one at my wedding this coming November BUT ...All proceeds to go to our local ASPCA..WHICH the DJ will announce at the start of the dance...We chose to do this as a way to incorporate our dog seeing he can't go cause he doesn't behave, lol but is such a big part of our life ....STILL TACKY??? OPINIONS PLEASE

Weddings aren't fundraisers.  What if your guests don't want to support your local ASPCA, or even pay to dance with you?  Yup, still tacky.

LDay2014

shttylee said:

I see that many people HATE the dollar dance .I am planning to have one at my wedding this coming November BUT ...All proceeds to go to our local ASPCA..WHICH the DJ will announce at the start of the dance...We chose to do this as a way to incorporate our dog seeing he can't go cause he doesn't behave, lol but is such a big part of our life ....STILL TACKY??? OPINIONS PLEASE

Yes, still tacky...simply because not everyone will support any specific charity so by dictating where they spend their charitable donations, you are making decisions on their behalf.  

Same thing with a donation as a favour. While well intentioned, it's just off putting.

HisGirlFriday13

shttylee said:

I see that many people HATE the dollar dance .I am planning to have one at my wedding this coming November BUT ...All proceeds to go to our local ASPCA..WHICH the DJ will announce at the start of the dance...We chose to do this as a way to incorporate our dog seeing he can't go cause he doesn't behave, lol but is such a big part of our life ....STILL TACKY??? OPINIONS PLEASE

Yes. Still tacky.

Your. Guests. Should. Not. Have. To. Open. Their. Wallets. At. Your. Wedding. For. Any. Reason. Whatever.

Also, it's hella tacky and rude and presumptuous to ask people to donate to a charity of YOUR choice. Maybe they don't agree with the mission of that charity. Maybe they give to another charity. Maybe they just don't want to give to any charities at all. 

denisemod

I see. So when talking about "hosting etiquette" your everyday etiquette goes out the window??

You don't think that sounds a bit hypocritical? And you're wondering why these people aren't buying your message?

chibiyui

shttylee said:

I see that many people HATE the dollar dance .I am planning to have one at my wedding this coming November BUT ...All proceeds to go to our local ASPCA..WHICH the DJ will announce at the start of the dance...We chose to do this as a way to incorporate our dog seeing he can't go cause he doesn't behave, lol but is such a big part of our life ....STILL TACKY??? OPINIONS PLEASE

Why not just skip it, and donate a portion of the money you receive as gifts to the ASPCA? 

I don't carry cash on me, hence why I always feel bad if I go to a wedding and there are tip jars. So, in your case, I'd probably want to "donate" (though, i'd feel weird dancing with the bride or groom. I just don't like slow dances) but then would feel bad cause I don't have cash on me. 

LDay2014

denisemod said:

I see. So when talking about "hosting etiquette" your everyday etiquette goes out the window?? You don't think that sounds a bit hypocritical? And you're wondering why these people aren't buying your message?

I'm assuming this was directed at me? 

Whether or not you like the delivery of the message, it remains the same.  Show the ones you claim to love most that you appreciate them.  End of story.  I've had my own battles with these women and my own speshul snowflake moments...and you know what? I'VE LEARNED.  I am happy to say that I have taken what they said (even though it was sometimes harsh and not what I wanted to hear) and modified my plans to make sure that EVERYONE I have invited is on equal ground.  No one will have to open a wallet at my wedding, and you know what?  I could give a rats ass about gifts too...I don't want any.  We're not hosting this party for presents - it's a way to say 'thank you' for walking with FI and I through this journey, for supporting us as we have built our lives together.  

That's it.

lyndausvi

shttylee said:

I see that many people HATE the dollar dance .I am planning to have one at my wedding this coming November BUT ...All proceeds to go to our local ASPCA..WHICH the DJ will announce at the start of the dance...We chose to do this as a way to incorporate our dog seeing he can't go cause he doesn't behave, lol but is such a big part of our life ....STILL TACKY??? OPINIONS PLEASE

I find fundraising at a wedding to be in bad form.  Regardless if the charity seems like a good cause.     I find having to pay for a dance with my friend or relative to be in bad form regardless if it's for charity.    

I think that is even more true these days with 90% of the weddings I attend are OOT.  I'm generally taking off work, paying or transportation costs (airfare, rental cars, gas).  Then I show up to find that I need to pay a few bucks in order to have the honor of dancing with you?     IDK, it rubs me the wrong way.

Not a deal breaker in which I''m going to storm off.  I will not participate and hit up the bar, go to the bathroom, maybe get some fresh air outside.   I find them uncomfortable to even watch. 

cmb08

I'd just like to point something out. There is a lot of good advice on here, but unfortunately I had to weed through a lot of catty internet-board-style backbiting to find it. Maybe it's time to bring things back down to earth?

So, traditionally (at least in this country, it varies in other cultures) the wedding reception was hosted by the bride's parents as a celebration of the marriage (basically, a party) where guests got to meet and greet and congratulate the bride and groom. So in a sense it was for the guests - they were there to celebrate with the bride and groom. But in another sense, it was for the bride and groom as well. It was an opportunity for them to thank their friends for coming and supporting their marriage, and also an opportunity for friends to give them gifts and congratulate them.

Nowadays, wedding receptions are not always hosted by the parents of the bride. They are often hosted by the couple themselves, sometimes with financial and/or planning assistance from family and friends. This kind of takes it away from the idea of a party "for" the bride and groom, since it's being put on by them. In my humble opinion, it should still be viewed with the same attitude by guests, but of course no matter who is hosting the wedding, the hosts should still do their best to make it a gracious party where guests can really enjoy themselves. It's not easy to host, plan and execute your own wedding! I'm planning mine now (as most of you are), so I know how difficult it can be. I think there are certain rules that should absolutely be followed, like not making guests pay for anything, not making them wait around for hours between the reception and the ceremony, etc. Most of this can be found elsewhere in this board, so I won't repeat it all.

But anyway... One thing that REALLY bugs me at weddings, which I haven't seen pointed out on here, is when the couple makes their wedding party stand around for over an hour while photos are taken. You have a few options here - provide seating and drinks for people who are required to be there for pictures; get the big pictures over with right away so most of the people can go do their own thing... You get the idea. I just really wish more people would think about this when planning their weddings. I'm not even hiring a pro photographer because a) they are ridiculously expensive, and b) I have a very sweet friend who offered to do pictures for me. I'm going to spend 15 minutes ABSOLUTE MAX, after the ceremony, taking photos.

Emmy1493

denisemod said:

I see. So when talking about "hosting etiquette" your everyday etiquette goes out the window?? You don't think that sounds a bit hypocritical? And you're wondering why these people aren't buying your message?

For the final time. Cursing is not against Etiquette. If you are at a formal affair, it might be seen as improper to SOME, but not others entirely.

Why are you so bent out of shape over some one cussing. Last time I checked, it's the interwebz, and you can't tell others how to speak, or rely. If you find it offensive, the log out button is right there. But let's get one thing straight, it is NOT AGAINST ETIQUETTE. Okay? Okay....