Wedding Etiquette Forum

What are your etiquette deal breakers?

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Re: What are your etiquette deal breakers?

  • @HisGirlFriday13

    Oh I understand. I'm saying it doesn't matter. I'm not some catty bitch hung up on details about other people's personal lives that I care so much about whether someone's married or not for them to have a wedding. For all I care, they never get married (or can't because they're gay and living in a backwards state) and just have a commitment ceremony and big reception! Walking down the aisle in a big getup and everything. People come to a wedding, and specifically to the wedding ceremony, to share the couple expressing their love and commitment to each other in front of all their loved ones. If they're already married, who cares. She's already a wife? Semantics. The point is that they wanted to share this with me and the other  guests, and I'm honored that they wanted to do it, even if it's not "real."
    OMFG.

    Semantics are very important in this situation because you CAN'T go to a wedding ceremony to share the couple expressing their love and commitment to each other if they are actually already married.  At that point you are witnessing a reenactment.

    Why is this so hard to understand?

    A wedding is when a couple gets married.

    If a couple is already married and walks down an aisle and says vows to each other, again, they are not getting married again.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • @HisGirlFriday13

    It's not sloppy seconds, it's sharing something wonderful with their friends and family in a way that they were not able to do the first time. I NEED to see the original exchanging of vows? What if I have a gay friend who can't get married? Do we pretend that their commitment ceremony isn't a real wedding? Are the vows they exchange less valid simply because they can't legally get married? Technically, the moment the marriage certificate is notarized is when the couple is actually married in the eyes of the state, so all wedding ceremonies aren't marriages either!

    The whole point of a ceremony isn't that you're legally married once you say "I do." You're not. It has to do with the documents. The point of the ceremony is to share your love and commitment with others, to exchange vows in front of everyone. Calling it a PPD is insinuating that you're somehow better than these women because even though you may have done (or will do) all the exact same things, your day was more valid because you happened to sign a marriage certificate on the same day as your wedding. So congrats on being so self-righteous.
  • I was thinking that, too. And thinking it should be a Bingo square.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • @HisGirlFriday13

    It's not sloppy seconds, it's sharing something wonderful with their friends and family in a way that they were not able to do the first time. I NEED to see the original exchanging of vows? What if I have a gay friend who can't get married? Do we pretend that their commitment ceremony isn't a real wedding? Are the vows they exchange less valid simply because they can't legally get married? Technically, the moment the marriage certificate is notarized is when the couple is actually married in the eyes of the state, so all wedding ceremonies aren't marriages either!

    The whole point of a ceremony isn't that you're legally married once you say "I do." You're not. It has to do with the documents. The point of the ceremony is to share your love and commitment with others, to exchange vows in front of everyone. Calling it a PPD is insinuating that you're somehow better than these women because even though you may have done (or will do) all the exact same things, your day was more valid because you happened to sign a marriage certificate on the same day as your wedding. So congrats on being so self-righteous.
    How about congrats on doing things the proper or correct or normal way. . . like basically everyone else before PPD's became such a fad.

    It's not that her day was more valid. . . it was that her day was actually a wedding day and was less fake and stupid.

    And gay weddings/commitment ceremonies are not what we refer to as PPDs.  I think that topic is covered in the FAQ.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • It's kind of disheartening to see how judgy everyone is on this board! Granted I didn't read every post, but from what I've read so far, I'm kind of disappointed to see how people are so quick to say something is a 'deal breaker.' Every couple does things differently, you never know what the financial situation of a couple, I feel if you are invited, that's an honor in itself.  I can somewhat understand the issue with not inviting a significant other, however, I don't feel like that would be a deal breaker.  As far as the cash bar issue, I really don't see how that is an issue, how often do you go anywhere and receive free drinks? Soda, water, juice, tea, etc I can see, but liquor? Not often. As far as the dollar dance goes, this is something that is a part of my culture, I've been to maybe one wedding in my life (someone of a different culture) that didn't have a dollar dance! A good friend of mine is Nigerian and they have a 'money dance' portion as well, where the couple is sprayed with money, if this enough to have you walk out of a wedding, perhaps you should not have been invited in the first place.  Just my opinion. I feel like if you are being invited to share in a couple's special day, I think it's silly to have certain expectation of how they are going to organize THEIR day, it's also silly as a couple to expect certain things from your guests, it's very simple to quietly not participate in a dollar dance, or choose not to give to a honeymoon fund. 
  • It's kind of disheartening to see how judgy everyone is on this board! Granted I didn't read every post, but from what I've read so far, I'm kind of disappointed to see how people are so quick to say something is a 'deal breaker.' Every couple does things differently, you never know what the financial situation of a couple, I feel if you are invited, that's an honor in itself.  I can somewhat understand the issue with not inviting a significant other, however, I don't feel like that would be a deal breaker.  As far as the cash bar issue, I really don't see how that is an issue, how often do you go anywhere and receive free drinks? Soda, water, juice, tea, etc I can see, but liquor? Not often. As far as the dollar dance goes, this is something that is a part of my culture, I've been to maybe one wedding in my life (someone of a different culture) that didn't have a dollar dance! A good friend of mine is Nigerian and they have a 'money dance' portion as well, where the couple is sprayed with money, if this enough to have you walk out of a wedding, perhaps you should not have been invited in the first place.  Just my opinion. I feel like if you are being invited to share in a couple's special day, I think it's silly to have certain expectation of how they are going to organize THEIR day, it's also silly as a couple to expect certain things from your guests, it's very simple to quietly not participate in a dollar dance, or choose not to give to a honeymoon fund. 
    If you haven't read all the posts, you're not in any position to comment. 

    We have all said, until we are blue in the face and ripping out our hair, that you do not have to provide free alcohol. If you cannot afford alcohol, then don't have any at all and host what you can afford. If that is only water, iced tea, and lemonade, that is perfectly acceptable. 
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • @PrettyGirlLost Nope, sticking with self-righteous. It's the "right" way to do things? What else is "right" and who decides? It's "right" to get a diamond engagement ring? It's "right" to wear a white wedding dress? It's "right" to have a receiving line, or a first dance, or to throw the bouquet? I'm sure that gay commitment ceremonies aren't the same as a "PPD," but that's my point... you make an exception for that even though they're not signing a legal document the same day. Why the exception? You're now calling everything the "wedding day." So when is the actual wedding itself? When is the one moment of marriage? Legally, it's when the certificate is notarized, which is often days later, or days before depending on how the couple wants to do it. So then the only difference is the party. Just enjoy it and stop judging.
  • Thanks for the feedback. I think I can understand the concern of a cash bar and why that could be considered a no, no. Perhaps I'll have an open bar for a certain period of time. i dont personally have an issue with serving alcohol, but i was raised in a Christian household where "excessive" drinking didnt happen. So getting people boozed up two days in a row feels a bit much. The intent of the wedding is for people to witness and celebrate the marriage...not get drunk. Feeding is a must, but I think liquor is a plus. But i want to make sure it's available for those who want it.

    While I can argue either side for/against cash bars, I'm still a little stuck on the attire. People have all white parties all the time. What makes it different if that party is your wedding? Or making it known that you would like your guests to dress formal vs. semi formal. If i put myself in the shoes of the guest, i would think, "gee, that may not be my favorite color, but if it's what the bride and groom want, and I'm attending to support them, then whatever". Besides, if you dont want to wear it, then dont...no one's going to kick them out. My hope was to make the day before a little more fun...it certainly wasn't my intention to offend.

  • edited April 2014
    @PrettyGirlLost Nope, sticking with self-righteous. It's the "right" way to do things? What else is "right" and who decides? It's "right" to get a diamond engagement ring? It's "right" to wear a white wedding dress? It's "right" to have a receiving line, or a first dance, or to throw the bouquet? I'm sure that gay commitment ceremonies aren't the same as a "PPD," but that's my point... you make an exception for that even though they're not signing a legal document the same day. Why the exception? You're now calling everything the "wedding day." So when is the actual wedding itself? When is the one moment of marriage? Legally, it's when the certificate is notarized, which is often days later, or days before depending on how the couple wants to do it. So then the only difference is the party. Just enjoy it and stop judging.
    Exceptions are made for gay couples because they CANNOT LEGALLY GET MARRIED.

    Straight couples have the ability to get legally married and have their religious ceremony all on the same day. . . everyone has been doing that for decades.  You get your marriage license before your ceremony, you have your ceremony, you are pronounced married,  you sign the license, you mail it.  Done.

    People having secular wedding ceremonies do the same exact thing.

    That's what the majority of ppl on this board consider a typical wedding.

    There's really no excuse for the nonsense that is the PPD.  And there is a big difference between getting married at the JOP, pretending you are not married already, lying to everyone, having a 2nd, fake wedding ceremony, and the party as you refer to the reception. . . which follows an actual wedding.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • My response to people who feel so high and mighty as to enlighten us with their all knowing wedding etiquette, while spewing verbal garbage.  Yes, cursing is against standard etiquette.  I am surprised at so many who live and die by Miss Manners wedding etiquette as the end all be all of etiquette and yet ignore her other works, on how one should carry themselves in everyday life.    

    "The basic, fundamental rule of the etiquette of communication is that you speak to edify others, not yourself.   Miss Manners wrote that her advice often goes against a person’s declaration that they find it impossible not to convey their feelings regardless of the consequences to other people’s feelings and that many people seem to think that their opinions are required.  Profanity is the expression of personal feelings and opinions which many declare is “immensely satisfying” and “cathartic”.   We’d be silly to assume the speakers of such comments would actually mean that other people find it quite satisfying and cathartic to be the recipient of directed profanity or having simply overheard it.  To achieve catharsis and satisfaction implies retaliatory rudeness in response to someone else…verbal one upmanship to trump another with shock value.    It’s profanity for the sake of selfishness.   How rude."
  • @shrekspeare

    Duh. But the whole point they're trying (and failing) to make is that wedding = when you get married, and marriage is by definition a legal commitment, so anyone who's legally married before they have their wedding is somehow insulting everyone they know by pretending to care about them enough to throw a wedding when they're ready to. I'm saying it's semantics, and not important semantics whatsoever. Technically, even if you CAN'T get legally married (or just choose not to), you're still not married therefore it can't be a wedding. According to some with small minds on this board.
  • lol but I said I didn't read ALL 19 pages of comments....at least I admitted that! It's nice that you have the down time to read the entire group of comments, kudos to you! 
  • @PrettyGirlLost
    Just because everyone thinks of that as a typical wedding doesn't mean that's how all weddings have to be done. Yes, lying about your marriage is shady to begin with. But having a ceremony and reception after the legal marriage to share the experience with your friends and family when you couldn't earlier, there's nothing wrong with that. Some people can't do it when they want to get legally married because of extenuating circumstances, such as immigrant status, having children, etc, and they don't have the money to throw the party that they want. Heck, I AM getting legally married on my wedding day but my fiance and I considered not doing a ceremony at all!

    And yes, I understand that gay people can't get married in many states. But according to your argument, their commitment ceremony is still not a wedding because of that legal fact.
  • It's kind of disheartening to see how judgy everyone is on this board! Granted I didn't read every post, but from what I've read so far, I'm kind of disappointed to see how people are so quick to say something is a 'deal breaker.' Every couple does things differently, you never know what the financial situation of a couple, I feel if you are invited, that's an honor in itself.  I can somewhat understand the issue with not inviting a significant other, however, I don't feel like that would be a deal breaker.  As far as the cash bar issue, I really don't see how that is an issue, how often do you go anywhere and receive free drinks? Soda, water, juice, tea, etc I can see, but liquor? Not often. As far as the dollar dance goes, this is something that is a part of my culture, I've been to maybe one wedding in my life (someone of a different culture) that didn't have a dollar dance! A good friend of mine is Nigerian and they have a 'money dance' portion as well, where the couple is sprayed with money, if this enough to have you walk out of a wedding, perhaps you should not have been invited in the first place.  Just my opinion. I feel like if you are being invited to share in a couple's special day, I think it's silly to have certain expectation of how they are going to organize THEIR day, it's also silly as a couple to expect certain things from your guests, it's very simple to quietly not participate in a dollar dance, or choose not to give to a honeymoon fund. 
    You didn't actually read a single.freaking.thing. that was posted.
    I admitted I did not read all 19 pages of comments....I apologize for not having the time to do so. I was simply responding to the comments I did read that highlighted these issues.  Everything that I read directly correlated to the portions that you highlighted in my post. So I'm not sure what your issue is....lol 
  • It's kind of disheartening to see how judgy everyone is on this board! Granted I didn't read every post, but from what I've read so far, I'm kind of disappointed to see how people are so quick to say something is a 'deal breaker.' Every couple does things differently, you never know what the financial situation of a couple, I feel if you are invited, that's an honor in itself.  I can somewhat understand the issue with not inviting a significant other, however, I don't feel like that would be a deal breaker.  As far as the cash bar issue, I really don't see how that is an issue, how often do you go anywhere and receive free drinks? Soda, water, juice, tea, etc I can see, but liquor? Not often. As far as the dollar dance goes, this is something that is a part of my culture, I've been to maybe one wedding in my life (someone of a different culture) that didn't have a dollar dance! A good friend of mine is Nigerian and they have a 'money dance' portion as well, where the couple is sprayed with money, if this enough to have you walk out of a wedding, perhaps you should not have been invited in the first place.  Just my opinion. I feel like if you are being invited to share in a couple's special day, I think it's silly to have certain expectation of how they are going to organize THEIR day, it's also silly as a couple to expect certain things from your guests, it's very simple to quietly not participate in a dollar dance, or choose not to give to a honeymoon fund. 
    TL;DR, posted anyway.  Classic internet.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • It's kind of disheartening to see how judgy everyone is on this board! Granted I didn't read every post, but from what I've read so far, I'm kind of disappointed to see how people are so quick to say something is a 'deal breaker.' Every couple does things differently, you never know what the financial situation of a couple, I feel if you are invited, that's an honor in itself.  I can somewhat understand the issue with not inviting a significant other, however, I don't feel like that would be a deal breaker.  As far as the cash bar issue, I really don't see how that is an issue, how often do you go anywhere and receive free drinks? Soda, water, juice, tea, etc I can see, but liquor? Not often. As far as the dollar dance goes, this is something that is a part of my culture, I've been to maybe one wedding in my life (someone of a different culture) that didn't have a dollar dance! A good friend of mine is Nigerian and they have a 'money dance' portion as well, where the couple is sprayed with money, if this enough to have you walk out of a wedding, perhaps you should not have been invited in the first place.  Just my opinion. I feel like if you are being invited to share in a couple's special day, I think it's silly to have certain expectation of how they are going to organize THEIR day, it's also silly as a couple to expect certain things from your guests, it's very simple to quietly not participate in a dollar dance, or choose not to give to a honeymoon fund. 
    If you haven't read all the posts, you're not in any position to comment. 

    We have all said, until we are blue in the face and ripping out our hair, that you do not have to provide free alcohol. If you cannot afford alcohol, then don't have any at all and host what you can afford. If that is only water, iced tea, and lemonade, that is perfectly acceptable. 


    HisGirl, so I'm assuming you read through all 19 pages of comments? Awesome. Unfortunately, I do not have the time to do that, I was simply responding to the comments that I had read, many of which stated their qualms with having a cash bar, which, I never realized was an issue prior to reading this thread lol Like I said, these were my feelings on the issues, as I stated I'm sure my culture lends itself to many different traditions/norms, so that may very well be the case.  It was kind of funny and disheartening to really see that these things bother people that much though. 

  • @shrekspeare

    Duh. But the whole point they're trying (and failing) to make is that wedding = when you get married, and marriage is by definition a legal commitment, so anyone who's legally married before they have their wedding is somehow insulting everyone they know by pretending to care about them enough to throw a wedding when they're ready to. I'm saying it's semantics, and not important semantics whatsoever. Technically, even if you CAN'T get legally married (or just choose not to), you're still not married therefore it can't be a wedding. According to some with small minds on this board.
    Please don't presume to speak for people on this board, especially when you have no idea what you are talking about. 

    And don't insult the people that are disagreeing with you just because you don't like what they have to say.



    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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